


Temper Me In fire.

by voldobaby



Category: Romitri - Fandom, Vampire Academy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Slavery, Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sexual Content, Strength, Vampire Academy - Freeform, Violence, romitri, va
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 13:15:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 31
Words: 226,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2152113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voldobaby/pseuds/voldobaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The world of Moroi and Dhampirs is very different, political turmoil has opened up a vacuum in which illegal and immoral actions can transpire, such as slavery of Dhampirs. Rosemarie Hathaway is born into slavery in Arizona. Her life revolves around tending to her chores and making herself inconspicuous. But that all changes when Mr.Dashkov and his Guardians arrive...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Tempered

**"Temper us in fire, and we grow stronger. When we suffer, we survive." - Cassandra Clare.**

_My name is Rosemarie Hathaway. Only my mother calls me by my full name, other's call me Rose. Well I'd like them to but they don't speak to me at all. This is my writing exercise. I don't see the point in_ ~~_practicising_ ~~ _practicing writing if I will never use it but my mother says it matters. No one knows I can write and read._

_I am seventeen years old. My birthday is_ ~~_march_ ~~ _March 25_ _th_ _._

_It is now July 26_ _th_ _and even before the sun has risen I can feel it will be a very hot day. We are in Arizona, I'm not sure where that is but that it is in America and it is a state. Most of the others will be waking up soon so this will be destroyed. I don't know what the guardians would do I they found it but I know it would not be good. I would like to see the look on the mistress's face though. Her head may pop like a balloon left out in the sun._

"Rosemarie." My mother's voice is a quiet hiss between our two bedrolls. It's very dim at the back of the barn and I know she finds it harder to read back here than I do. I purse my lips and my stomach bubbles uneasily. I shouldn't have wrote that part about the mistress but I couldn't help myself. "You shouldn't write things like this. It's a waste."

"I shouldn't be able to write at all." I whisper back and instantly regret it. My mother hated when I was like this, when I couldn't control what I said. "I don't think they'd care much about what I've written but more that I could in the first place. "

I feel the weight of her eyes on me and I pull at a loose piece of straw sticking out of my mattress.

"You know better." She says quietly and I wince. "I've done all I can to make sure you know better, do not be arrogant with your knowledge."

I'm not quite sure what she means but I know she's disappointed.

"Sorry mom." I mumble and pull the strand of hay free.

Her hand touches my shoulder gently. "Don't call me that." And she pulls away. She folds up the scrap of paper I'd snatched from the trash and tucks it into the front of her trousers. It wasn't a place that kept our secrets completely safe but it made her worry less. I wonder where she'll destroy it tomorrow. Maybe she'd bury it in the orchard or far beneath the berry bushes.

"Why can't I call you mom anymore?" I sound like a child and I hated it. I hated it because I missed being a child, when I didn't care about anyone else only my mother. I missed how she sang me to sleep, how she would wrap her arms around me at the end of the night, when she told me everything would be alright and the rules were a lot simpler. Now the rules were changing.

"Because it shows your age, you know that."

"Why does that matter?"

"You know why it matters."

"I know what you told me, I don't understand."

"If you have to talk to me at all, in front of anyone you call me 'Janine' because it makes you blend in with the others. Calling me 'mom' shows that you are young, that you look to someone, that you are vulnerable and we don't want to show that."

"Because if they look at me they'll notice I'm changing?" I say quietly. A dark and heavy feeling knots around my stomach.

In the dim light I see her lined face is grave. "Yes. Now go to sleep."

She turns away from me and lies down on her front. Her arms folded under her head, the position she sleeps in now, instead of being pressed against my back. Looking down at her small body I think she almost looks like a child. Looking around the barn and seeing the small mounds of blankets I guess they all looked like children too.

I could feel the day creeping into the barn, the heat pressing through the wood. I'd hung back this morning before coming inside because I wanted to see the sun rise. But I only got to see the curve of gold in the distance, turning the sky the colour inside nectarines, before he told me to get inside. The others had settled down into their own spaces, I'd made my way to the back keeping my head down and taking in the shapes made in the gravel. I knew they didn't like that we had some privacy to our own area, a sheet that hung from a low beam at the very back of the barn, when they had to change and wash in front of each other. Privacy came at a price, I'd recently understood, and it wasn't much of a benefit to us but more to someone else.

I cringe away from the memories that spring up in my head.

I shimmy down the mattress and even though my body is heavy I know sleep won't come. Leaning up on one elbow I take out the small book from under my bedroll and carefully open it up. The paper crinkles as I separate the pages apart from the one I'd last folded down in the corner. I'd memorize at least four words before I tried to sleep.

A single word caught my eye on the opposite page, taking me away from the one I'd been replaying in my mind. It was a word I thought I knew but reading its meaning made my mind trip over it.

Love: A strong feeling of affection:  _babies fill parents with intense feelings of love._ _  
_ _A strong feeling of affection and sexual attraction for someone:_ _they were both_ _ **in love with**_ _her  
_ _A great interest and pleasure in something._

My mother had told me before, a long time ago, that she loved me. I was her child and this said love is what I gave to her. I loved her to. I traced the second line with my finger that told me love was  _sexual attraction_ and felt my face grow hot as my vision blurred. I shut the book louder than I should have and wipe angrily at my eyes. I snatch it up and lean over to the dugout hole at the base of the wooden post and drop it inside. I push the small heap of gravel piled beside it over it until the ground is even and another secret is hidden.

I turn my back on it and stare at the back of my mother's head, trying to breathe slower, trying to stop pictures forming in head and sounds echoing in my ears. I shut my eyes and try to picture the sunrise.

/

The kitchen is heavy with the smell of chocolate and pastry and everything sweet. Apples have been sliced and prepared for baking and my mother is drizzling honey over yoghurt topped fruit. Glazed scones and Muffins are like golden treasure in the centre of the table. My mouth waters and my fingers itch. Mary says something to my mother and she laughs, it's an odd sound that pulls my mind away from the food.

"This can't be for us." I say, terrified someone will agree.

"But it is." Mary says, her face practically shining with joy. But Mary never smiled, especially not at me. If he spoke to me at all it was to snap instructions or tell me to get out of the way.

"Not yet Rose." My mother chides, slapping away my hand that I hadn't even realised had been stretching toward a golden topped muffin. Dark chips poked through the honey coloured skin and I longed to bite into it, I wanted it more than I'd ever wanted anything.

My eyes fill with impatient tears. I should not be crying, I am not a child. "But I want one."

"Not yet. You'll spoil it."

"When?"

"Soon." Mary soothes and she begins dusting powder from the marble worktop.

I am crying now, tears streaming down my face and tickling my chin. "But we have to eat now before they catch us."

The happiness begins to slip down my mother's face like water rushing down a window. The lights fading out of the kitchen, the counter tops shine is chased away and the pastries no longer glow. A shadow passes by the window and Mary drops the large bowl she'd been cleaning. Her face looks more like it usually does, lined and grim. More shadows pass by the window, black phantoms in the grey light of the kitchen.

"They heard you." Mary hisses.

I stumble back as more shadows crowd the room, angry voices coming through the back door. I look desperately for the other that leads to the hallway but it's not there.

"Oh Rosemarie." My mother says sadly and grasps the counter. She looks like she's about to fall.

I don't want to say but it comes out strangled. "Mommy."

The door explodes inward and they're coming through fast and formidable, all in black with their expressions savage and eyes glinting in the dimness. I start screaming and hands fasten around me and pain lances over my back and sides, I can't see who has the whip, I can't tell who it is hitting me. I'm yanked up by hair and it's the mistress, her eyes a cruel blue burning into me like ice against my skin. I can't breathe. I can't move.

Her lips curl back revealing her fangs.

"Mom, MOM."

I can't see her, I can't see anything past the mistress and the shadows posed by her but I hear her sigh. "I told you not to call me that. Why can't you just follow the rules?"

"I'm Sor-"The words that are always useless, that I know don't bring mercy, are cut off by my scream as the mistress lunges toward my neck.

/

I jolt. My eyes snap open and above me is a golden pillar stretching down to hug the wall in a rectangle of sunlight. Dust is dancing in the ray and the smell of must and sweat and wood fill my nose. I jerk as a hand touches my shoulder. My mother is kneeling beside me. Her red hair that's threaded with silver is already pinned back and her pale face makes the lines around her eyes stark, reminding me too much of my dream. "I said, get up."

I lean up onto my elbow and see through a gap in the sheet that the others are up. Most of them sat in their spaces hunched over their breakfast, others dressing. I can't help but think all their faces are the same. They all remind of dank rags, discoloured and shabby after years of use. I remember my dream, all the brightness and loveliness of the start of a sunrise before it descended into a nightmare. Waking up still left me in that dark kitchen, it always would.

"Are you feeling alright?"

I look up into my mother's face. She didn't sound worried but I could see it in her eyes. "I'm fine."

The worry disappears and leaves her brown eyes empty. "Come on, time to get ready."

My throat feels like a swallowed without chewing properly, as it usually does now she has to help me dress, but I stand and follow her to the corner where the sheet completely hides us. As soon as we're both out of view I raise my arms and she pulls the oversized ratty shirt I sleep in over my head. Even though it's silly, even though she's seen me like this before, I still hold my arms over my chest to hide. I keep my eyes on the floor as a strange chill creeps over my skin, which has nothing to do with the temperature but the fear of being seen. From the corner of my eye I see her rummaging quietly behind the few things she's managed to hide back here.

When she's found what she's looking for she turns back to me. "Up."

I hesitate and then I raise my arms. Her hand presses the fabric to my ribs as she crosses it over my chest, around my back and overlaps where it began. She tugs it tight and I close my eyes and she repeats this over and over. I wonder how long this will matter for, hiding parts of me away, and if it matters at all.

A lank curl falls over my face. It's heavy and my scalp feels strange where my hair has escaped its knot and fallen. "Can I wash tomorrow?"

"How many days has it been?"

"Five."

"Yes." I know she would prefer I wouldn't but I felt horrible and the smell that clung to me reminded me of rotting fruit.

A glint catches my eye. The gold chain of her necklace has risen above her collar. I'd only seen pendant that hangs from it a couple of times, a golden oval with an eye in its centre. She didn't like to talk about it and she didn't like to see me looking at it. When I was younger, and hadn't learned when to stop asking questions, she told me it was from 'another life' and that it wasn't important. As she moves the chain disappears back under her collar I glance down to see that she's almost done. She tugs the bandages tighter and begins tucking the ends into the folds. It would be a few hours until I was used to the restriction.

She steps back and looks at me with a slight frown.

I want to shrink away, to disappear. "Is it alright?"

Her lips purse and she nods. I turn away to get dressed with the weight of her disappointment settling in my empty stomach and the hatred of my own skin burning in my mind.

She leaves me to dress. I tug the hairband out with some difficulty and run my fingers through the greasy snares of my hair. My scalp feels like its lightly bruised and I want to knead it with my fingers but it would have to wait. I twist it back up and snap a band around it. I pull on my faded red shirt and notice how it now clings to my stomach now instead of hanging loosely. I pull it away from my body in attempt to stretch it but the materials become so thin I worry it will rip. How was I not aware of this change? Or maybe I'd been trying to hard not to notice my body changing I'd ignored it. My mother hadn't been ignoring it. These new curves and dips of my body had her staring at me as if I'd been rolling in horse manure. I didn't know why my body was betraying me and according to her it wouldn't be long before it made something terrible happen.

When she comes back I'm pulling on my shoes and she has breakfast, a slice of thick bread with some blueberries. She tears the bread in half and holds out the bigger piece. I open my mouth to argue but she casts me a look that tells me this reoccurring argument will end the way it always does. I snap my mouth shut and take it. It wasn't that much bigger than hers but bigger is still more. She tilts some berries into my other palm.

We stand chewing in silence. They others are equally quiet.

The heat had crept into the barn and I could tell it was going to be scorching today. I could usually bear the heat pretty well, it didn't bother me, I was used to it I suppose. However my mother struggled though she never complained. Her fair skin burned and blistered where it wasn't covered.

"Keep your bottle filled today." She says.

"You too."

"Their son is coming home tonight." She says plainly and to anyone else it would look like this didn't bother her. But I knew it made her anxious, everything had to be perfect or what would happen…well I didn't want to think about it. "I'll be in the kitchen most of the day preparing and serving later. You come straight inside when you're finished. Understand?"

"Yes."

"Keep your head down, do your work and don-"

"Don't draw attention to myself. I know."

The silence is tense. She throws her cupped hand back against her mouth, swallowing her small amount of berries in one gulp. I cradle mine in my own palm, picking up one and popping it into my mouth. She picks up our bottles and hands me mine. Without a word we make our way out of the barn, past the few who were still eating and out into the blazing sun.

/

Sweat was running down my back and I roll my shoulders uncomfortable with the wet tickle. I was looking forward to washing and even the thought of the freezing water couldn't curb it. It was the hottest it had been so far this year, so cold water didn't sound terrible and I was sure that if I went another day without bathing I would start attracting flies. Through the holes in my shoes I can feel gravel, it's hot against my feet and oddly I like how it felt rubbing against my soles. It's a privilege to even have shoes, most of the other's had never owned a pair or had worn them out until they fell apart. My own were being held together with tape and I was sure they weren't going to survive much longer.

The person in front of me shuffles forward to the tap and refills their bottle. They have no shoes, the skin on top has turned pink and soles looked rough and dirty. They move away and on the dusty ground, where they had just stood, was a patch darker than what water made.

Blood.

I glance after them, a man, returning to the field. I didn't know his name but I didn't really know anyone else's name here. I knew his face, those I knew of everyone here because not being able to talk to them meant I had nothing to do but watch.

"Anytime today."

I flinch and glance up at the shadow standing by the kitchen door. A man, a Guardian.

The outside tap was under the kitchen window, where my mother currently was. The smells drifting out of the open door sent my stomach into hungry knots and it was another reason to get away from here as soon as possible. I unscrew my bottle cap quickly and shove it under the tap. The hand that held the bottle shook and I cursed it. I could feel the Guardians eyes on me.

"Hot today isn't it?"

I watch the water level rise, wishing the flow was faster. I hear a crisp crunch and chewing. I don't dare look up but I guess he's eating an apple. My stomach spasms.

"Did you hear me?" His voice is thick and I presume it's because his mouth is full. Despite this I can hear amusement in his voice.

The water is nearly to the top.

"Are you deaf and dumb? If it's only the second then you're being very rude. If it's the first, well, I can say whatever I please."

"You'd say it anyway."

He stops chewing. The water overflows onto my hand. I stare at it, willing it to move.

_Oh no, no please no._

"Yes." He says. "I suppose I would. You're wasting water little girl." I jerk the bottle back and water spatters my shirt. My fingers are clumsy on the tap as I shut it off. "Do you think wasting water in southern Arizona, in the middle of July, is wise?"

Everything in me is telling me to run but my mind is numb. I shake my head and try to twist the bottle cap back on but I drop it. I trip on my feet as I turn and bend to retrieve it from the hot dirt but a hand snatches it up.

I stare at the black boots, the toes covered in dust. "I asked you a question."

I shake my head.

"No smart remark this time?"

Something hot sparks in my chest. I shy away from it, my mother's face in my mind. It couldn't have been more than a second's hesitation but I shook my head again.

"Good." He drew the word out, like he was slowly carving it into my skin to remind me who was in charge. He held the cap out in his tanned hand. The fingers calloused like the palms. I glared at it.

"Rosemarie." The voice was sharp and my head snaps up to see my mother in the kitchen doorway. Her face was flushed and shiny, that wasn't strange to see but this time it didn't look right, it looked feverish. The fire goes out and despite the afternoon sun I feel cold. She looks from me to the Guardian and I notice how she doesn't cringe away, how she looks at him in the face showing no fear. Its hits me how brave she is. "Is there a problem Guardian Alto?"

"No, I think the problem has resolved itself." He says from above my head, his voice coated in delight. My hands clench. The hand in front of my face nudges forward impatiently, the bottle cap in its palm. "At least I think she has."

I take the cap quickly.

"Guardian Alto, I'm sorry if she offen-"

I look up at her, half ashamed she's apologising for me and half confused to why her words are slurring. My mother's come out onto the step, one hand raised toward us in a pleading gesture but her eyes are on us but they're not really seeing us. She sways and her hand drops.

"Mom." I breathe.

"Are you-" The Guardian pauses as my mom drops like a doll to the ground.

It's like everything stops. The heat stills in the air, the ground stops burning beneath it, the quiet rustle of the others picking berries fades and I think how the Guardian could have darted forwards and caught her if he wanted to. Instead, there is a hallow ringing in my ears as I watch my mother's face hit the dust.

Sound comes rushing back and I throw myself towards her.

"Mom, mom!" I pull her onto her back. Her eyes are closed and she's shiny with sweat. I shake her but she doesn't open her eyes but her eyelids are twitching as if she's seeing things behind them. My chest is tightening like someone has a spanner attached to it, pulling tighter and tighter.

I twist to look up to the Guardian. "Please, please help her."

"She's only fainted. Slap her." He takes another bite of his apple. I open and shut my mouth and turn back to her.

"Mom." I say, trying to make my voice clear, as I pat her face. Her skins hot under my hands, too hot.

He sighs loudly and then I'm flung backwards. "Move."

I scramble up onto my knees as he kneels beside her and slaps her face.

"Don't hurt her." I'm surprised by my own voice, it sounds like a growl.

He ignores me. "Hey, hey. Can you hear me"

"Janine."

"Janine, can you open your eyes." He puts the back of his hand to her forehead. "Guess not. She's got a fever." He stands up and clicks his fingers at two male others, who had been dropping heavy looking sacks at the side of the house. I crawl over to my mother and take her head into my lap. Her cheek is red where his hand struck it and it makes my teeth clench together painfully.

"Move her head up more." A quiet voice says. I didn't see her come out, or noticed some others from the kitchen had gathered at the backdoor, but Mary's holding a glass of water to my mother's lips. Someone else comes out of the doorway and gives Mary a wet cloth.

"She's not going…she's not going to die is she?" My voice has collapsed back to childhood.

"No." Mary says firmly. My tightness around my heart eases a little. She dabs my mother's face with the cloth.

"Get that one back to her quarters." The Guardian voice is hard and unsympathetic, slamming the reality of the situation into me. My jaw goes slack and my hands are useless as they clutch my mother. I look up at him but the sun blazes past his shoulders concealing his face. "Tell someone to keep an eye on her."

I realize he's talking to the two male others, who are staring obediently at his shoes, they nod and move towards us. My fingers curl tighter into my mother's shirt as they come toward us. I don't know why but I feel I need to protect her, especially from these men, especially when she can't protect herself, when she doesn't know what's going on. She should always know what's going on.

I'm yanked away from her and I yelp. The guardian has seized the back of my shirt again but this time he keeps hold. The two others lift her from the ground, one taking her under the arms and the other taking her legs. They shuffle off, without thinking I try to go after them but I'm pulled back again, this time my feet are just touching the ground. I stare helplessly after them.

"I assume that one was needed in the kitchen?" The guardian sounds irritated, as if this whole thing has been an inconvenience to him. His grip on me doesn't loosen and I'm struck then by how the material of shirt is straining against my body and I fear everyone's going to notice. I suddenly feel naked.

I begin to shake.

"Yes." Mary answers quietly. "She prepares and serves."

"And with young Mr Ozera coming home tonight I'm sure there is a lot to be done."

Mary nods.

"Well, the pup will have to replace her  _mommy_  then." He shoves me forward and I fall into Mary, both of us stumble but manage to stay upright.

"But she can't, she doesn't know-" Mary splutters and then bite her tongue under the Guardians glare. We both drop our gazes and I see her hands are shaking.

"I suggest you get back to work." He says quietly and it was the most dangerous voice I'd ever heard. "Mr and Mrs Ozera are very particular and you know better than to disappoint them."

/

Hey Guys! So if any of you have read my "Road back to us." then you'll know this is an idea I had kicking around and I've finally started it! I have almost everything mapped out so it's just about the writing it!

I'm really excited to write this and I hope you guys enjoy it :)

I'll aim to have chapter 2 up by the end of the weekend, time to meet the Ozera's... 


	2. fire.

When the crunch of the Guardian’s boots has faded Mary lets out a long, shaky breath. I feel dazed but at the same time my mind is racing. She pushes past me and disappears back into the kitchen. I stare out across the yard in the direction the others had gone with my mother, the barn doors are open and I can’t see anybody inside from here. I also can’t hear anything, no shouting or sounds of struggle. I take a step in that direction, trying to decide whether I should do what I want to do and run after them. I freeze when two figures emerge, the two men.  I watch as they walk back this way with their heads bowed. In the time they’d taken there could be no way they could have done anything of my darkest fears could they? Could they? I didn’t know, maybe they had, maybe they’d-

“Get in here!”  I jump and then cringe at the look on Mary’s face as she leans out the kitchen window.  I look back at the barn, one foot sliding toward the backdoor and the other staying planted in the ground. Sweat slides down my face and I could hear my heart beating in my ears. What would my mother  tell me to do?

She’d tell me to stay out of trouble and to follow the rules.

I swallow and head toward the backdoor. The feeling of wrongness telling me this is what she’d want because too often when she did I felt like this.

It wasn’t much cooler inside but it was shaded at least. I think about my dream and how the marble countertops had been shiny and clean. How the white cupboards and drawers had gleamed and how the kitchen is nothing like that now. It is in chaos.  Mary was bearing over two other women who were slicing up some kind of meat, pork I’d guess. Vegetables lay chopped and sorted in bowls with the discarded pieces lying messily on the counter in the centre of the large room. Something was simmering on one of the eight burners on the stove and something else was warming in the oven. 

“Right you-” Marys come up beside me. Her lined face is stern and her eyes are just as hard as the Guardians had been.  Whatever she’d been about to say is disregarded as her eyes sweep over me and then narrow. “You are _filthy._ What have you been doing today? Or do you just like being a pig.”

I don’t react to her words, not outwardly.  She takes me by the elbow and steers me toward the huge sink in the corner, its deep basin utilized to wash food.  “Wash your hands. Get the dirt out from under your nails and take off those shoes. There are slips in the cupboard. ”

She releases me roughly so my hip bangs into the sink. That irritating flame spring up in my chest but thankfully Mary’s marched off to the other side of the kitchen and is furiously slicing through carrots. I push down against the flame and the strange hunger that’s urging me after her.

I kick off my shoes and set them in the corner and open the cupboard to the left of the basin.  The slips were balled up into pairs. I remembered them from when my mother had to use them and I was small enough she could put me into the sink to wash my feet. I unroll them and I’m surprised by the softness of the material. They would have to keep these good I guess, to move through the house. I pull on one black slip and it covers the bottom of my foot and toes, leaving the top of my foot bare.  I pull on the other.

I snatch up the bar of soap and turn on the faucet, measuring out the right temperature between cold and hot. I lather up my hands and despite knowing my hands are filthy I’m surprised by just how much. It might have just been because how black the water was running against the white surface or how the block of soap’s lather turned brown under my hands but the evidence repulsed me. I scrub my nails with one of the small brushed I’d watched my mother use before. When I’m done my hands look unfamiliar to me. The skin, my skin, is a warm light brown and is smooth. My fingernails aren’t crusted with dirt and strangely I think my hands are pretty.  Which was stupid, how could hands be pretty? It was probably because they hadn’t been so clean in days and the light in the kitchen heightened it because it was always darker in the barn.

Sweat slides down into my eye and I’m broke out of my silly thoughts.

_Stop behaving like a child. You have work to do._

I put the soap back on its holder and reach to turn off the tap. My hand hesitates. Mary looked disgusted by the sight of me and she hadn’t been looking at my hands, she’d been looking at my face. And what if someone else looked at me like that and really didn’t like it.  The others who worked inside the house looked very different to the ones who worked outside, they always looked clean. Their clothes were shabby and were threadbare but clean. I glance over at the three other women in the kitchen and see my thoughts are true.

I pick up the soap and work it between my hands quickly to create a great lather. I dip my hands under the tap and bring it up to my face. I felt the days of sweat and grime slipping off my skin, the texture under my hands changing so it was longer oily but softer. I opened my eyes just enough to grope for the soap and caught a glimpse of the basin below, it was far darker than it had been with my hands. 

“Girl.” Mary snaps. I scrub my face faster. I’d taken so much time. As I wipe my face I realize how some parts feel tighter, around my nose especially, it was strange.

I scurry over to Mary who has already begun giving me orders before I reach her.  “…find Serena, she’s blonde, she can finish what your mother started. You’ll have to take over whatever she’s doing. Now she should be in the library or sitting room.” She looks up at me, her stern face ready to deliver something with emphasis – my mother liked that word. She said it meant something very important. It usually meant if I didn’t do it I would be punished. – but she stops. Her eyes somehow seemed to really see me, as if the layer of dislike she usually looked through slipped away and she was seeing me without it. Her eyes roamed over my face and I looked down.

She clears her throat and her voice was sharp again. “You make no noise when you’re in the house. None at all, understand?” I knew that. I’d been in there before but it had been years.  I nod. “When you finish Serena’s work you get back here. I’m gonna have everyone switching around today just to be able to – why are you still here?”

The last part was like she’d struck me and I bolt for the door on the opposite side of the room, tripping up the steps up to it. I stumble through the door into the corridor of the house. I lean back against it my heart hammering in my chest and weighed down by the feeling that I was getting smaller.  I give my head a shake.  I had rules to follow, Mary had given me orders. All I had to do was follow them.

I take a deep breath and try to think around other things.  I’d been in this house before, when I was little and didn’t want to be outside or when my mother wanted me close. I had to be quiet, always quiet and never touch anything.  I didn’t mind it though because it was cooler inside the house and my mother liked it.

The library… the library was to the right of the main stairs. It was on the hall that led to the Guardian’s quarters.

My eyes snap open and I begin hurrying silently down the narrow hall. I reach the mouth that opens up into a room with a set of stairs to my immediate right, on the right wall is the door I need to go through to get to the main part of the house and to my left is the dining room. My eyes linger on the grand table. The wood was so dark it seemed black. A chill passes over me and I turn my back on it, trying not to think or imagine things that could happen later, and run to the other door on the balls of my feet.

I run as quietly as I can through the house, the size of it washing over me again and again. I’d seen it every day from the outside, watched as the sun rotated around it, casting huge shadows across the earth. When it was time for the lunch the house’s shadow sheltered us like huge umbrella in the back yard, so it was easier to refill your bottle and get your meal from the kitchen.  But being inside was different, all the different details, all the pictures and furniture made it seem even bigger, like I’d never be able to let it all sink in. Like I would never be able to turn my back and know what was behind me.

I wished I were outside. Even though it was cool in here, like a mild day in winter.

When I reach the main hall my pace slows and I’m even more away of my footfalls on the marble floor. I slip once, having been transfixed on the looming staircase that led up to the dark, I right myself and dart into the east side of the house.  Paintings line the walls of this hallway but I don’t pause to look. Not even for the one of a ship rising up on a hill of water, my favourite as a child.

I reach the door I think to be the library and hesitate, my hand rising as if to knock. I drop it and push the door open slowly.  There were four others in here, all working so quietly they could have been ghosts.  It’s easy to spot Serena, her hair was the colour of a worn doorknob and she was the only girl with light hair here.

I drift past the others who see and then unsee me. When I reach her she’s got one foot on the ladder, a bottle and a rag tucked under her arm. I touch her shoulder lightly and she jumps. I repeat what Mary has said and she listens with blank eyes. Without a word she hands me the bottle and rag and leaves.

I look down at the tools in my hands and up at the rows upon row of books. The shelves stretch up to the ceiling, the ladder was attached to a rail at the very top. Curiously I push the ladder and it heavily shifts to one side. I’d never been so high before.  I’d never climbed a tree in the orchard this big. My stomach quivers and before I realise it I have one foot on the bottom rung, and my lips are tugging upwards.

/

I’d been up and down the ladder eight times and more than once I had to snap at myself to remember this was important work. But when I did forget it was because of how aware I was of being so far from the floor and how my hand on the ladder was the only thing keeping me from falling as I reached out to polish the shelves. This was a different kind of fear. The fear was contained to myself because it was my body I relied on to keep me out of trouble and I trusted my body to keep me from falling. I felt in control. This fear was exciting.  It made the smell of leaves and apples fill my mind, when me and Eddie dared each other higher –

My fingers slip on the rung and my heart lurches. I scrabble to keep my grip, losing it on the polish bottle in the process. It’s like it falls slowly and quickly at the same time. Then it hits the ground with a metallic thud.  The others jump and swivel round, eyes darting around and then to the bottle and then up at me.

The silence is deafening.

They turn away but one woman glares at me until I’m forced to turn away from her. My heart is pounding in my ears.  I start climbing down with no trust in body at all and hoping if I do fall it knocks me out.

_It wasn’t that loud. Nobody heard outside the room, it wouldn’t carry through the walls. They wouldn’t hear. If it was loud a Guardian would be here by now._

I reach the bottom. No one has come in. Nobody is looking at me anymore. It was an accident. It was a lucky accident, it wasn’t loud. I pick up the bottle with shaky fingers.

Eddie flashes behind my eyes. His hair the colour of the corn and his light brown eyes alight with laughter. My throat tightens and I clench my jaw. I move the ladder over to the last row of shelves. I would not think about it, I would not think about him. I reach inside myself for the numbness and it comes, settling over me like a blanket and making everything seem unreal and real at the same time. I start climbing back up, not feeling the exciting fear, not feeling power, not feeling anything.

/

I hurry back to the kitchen, running on the balls of my feet through the dim halls. I pass two shadows, Guardians, but I don’t look at them. When I reach the kitchen I pause on the step.

“Shut the door.” Mary hisses. She heaves a bubbling pot off a burner and into the sink by the window. “You know they hate the smells in the house.” I shut it behind me. Steam is billowing from pots, two ovens are lit up and various meats and dishes are cooking on their shelves. Serena’s posed over a large sponge holding an icing tube, absorbed in decorating it. I jump down the steps and rush over to Mary. “They’ll be coming in from the fields soon and I need to do the Guardian’s lunches. There’s boxes in the pantry and cooler for- ”

“Our meals. I know.”

She glances at me. “Well what are you waiting for?”

I rush past Serena - realizing her, Mary and my mother are the only others I know by their name – and pull open the heavy door to the cooler. A blast of cold air hits me and when I step inside I shriek and jump back, almost falling over. The ground was like ice inside. I retrieve my shoes and pull off my slips, rolling them back up and stuffing them back into the cupboard.

I hurry back to the cooler, pulling my shoes on along the way and duck inside. I can still feel the chill through the soles of my shoes but it’s far better than being in the slips. There are rows upon rows of food in here on metal shelves, mostly meats I wouldn’t know how to cook, packets and boxes of things I don’t pause to inspect. Our stuff is near the back.

I stop in front of two boxes on the floor and it strikes me how small they are compared to everything else in here. There are so many of us and we get so little. There were two masters of the household who have more than enough every night, and now the third was coming home they’d be made double. Whatever wasn’t piled onto their plates then the Guardian’s got it. Whatever they didn’t eat we got… and they always ate.

The fire spreads from my chest and through my limbs and I no longer feel cold.  It doesn’t seem right, it can’t be right and yet it’s the way it has always been. But… _why?_

_They are just the same as us. The Guardians are like us aren’t they? A mix of what the masters are and what we are._

I try to remember what my mother had told me but I can’t quite grasp it all. I remember she told me once, when I was younger and thought crying would help, that we needed less food because we were strong like Guardians. Stronger than the masters…than Moroi.

“They come first.” She’d said, smiling. Her smile had looked plastic and her eyes bitter.

I take a deep breath and drop down to inspect the boxes. I was right, scraps and remainders of the meat used for the meals yesterday, sloppily wrapped. We must have had whatever fruit was let this morning.   I move the content of one into the other, it doesn’t even pile half way. I lift it up. It’s so light.  The fire is like the morning sun under my skin.

Without even thinking about it or beyond it I start scanning the shelves. There had to be something, something they wouldn’t miss, something that could go unnoticed, and something easy to pass as ours. I out the box down and start rifling through packets. I expect Mary to throw open the door to demand what’s taking so long but she doesn’t.  I push aside some things, my fingers numbing rom the cold and pause.  I snatch up the packet.

“ _Ready to eat diced turkey breast.”_

I could feel my pulse in my throat. The packet wasn’t big but it was something. I hide it beneath the contents of the box and get out of cooler before I can grasp what I have just done.  I expect someone to yell at me. Someone to grab me and trail me outside but nobody does. Nobody is paying me any attention. Serena is laying a sponge upon the one she’d decorated, the cream pushing out the edges and it looked amazing. Mary was barking at the two other women to use garlic oil.

In the pantry our box holds two loaves, some cheese and a handful dried apricots.  How was I to divide this up?

I needed my mom.

The others in the field needed me to do this.

I blow out a breath and begin scanning the shelves again. Everything that was used was accounted for. Those who worked in the kitchen had to say what they’d used so there was no room to sneak things. I didn’t believe that. I believed they would.  But my mom never did…

I realize that was probably because of me. If she were caught she didn’t just have herself to worry about.

I didn’t have to write what I used though. It was risky and it was stupid but I didn’t care.

I start scanning the shelves. Anything that looked like there was too much of it could afford to lose some. The only thing that I come across that I can get away with is peanut butter. I could spread just a little inside every slice and hand it out. As long as no one said anything...

I’m biting down so hard on my lip I think I’ll break the skin.

“For Eddie.” I whisper and grab the jar. I’m unscrewing the lid when I realize another problem. I put it back on the shelf and dart back out to the kitchen. Sliding past Serena who I feel look at me. I slide open a draw and take out a knife.  It glints in my hand and I feel the same thing stir in my stomach that did at the bottom of the ladder.

“What are you doing?” Mary snaps. Her face is flushed and she’s carving through a chicken breast. Next to her chopping board are six plates already graced with a salad and two cookies on each. Already sliced and packaged bread sits on the other side with sliced cheese. Guardian lunches.

I think I’d had one sandwich in my life.

The fire grumbles through my stomach. “I’m slicing up the bread in the pantry. I don’t want to be in the way.”

She casts me a dark look. “You wait until they’ve eaten understand? No stuffing your mouth in there or I’ll know got it?”

My hand tightens around the steel between my fingers. “I understand.”

“You have ten minutes.” She says but I’m already gone, grabbing a plate from the drying stack as I go.

Back inside the pantry I start slicing up the bread first, as thick as I can get away with.  The cheese is harder because there isn’t enough of it. Some would go without.  I cut up each apricot into thirds. When I’d finished it made me want to cry. Surrounded by so much that wasn’t ours, that we were not allowed because… because…

Why?

I’d left the peanut butter to the end, encase I came to my senses and changed my mind or somebody came in. I take it off the shelf and unscrew the cap, sitting back down on the floor with my back to the door. The smell hits me and makes me dizzy. It’s salty and nutty and my mouth waters.

Mary’s voice comes back to me and I shake my head. The others out in the sun deserved this before I did.

I let the knife scrap across the surface, memorized at how it curls thickly up against the steel. I lift the knife out of the jar unable to look away from the light golden brown paste.  I want to know how it could smell so salt and yet sweet at the same time. I lean back and take a deep breath, snatching up one of the slices. I smooth it on, it’s not easy to spread but I can’t use more. I pick up some of them meat and lay it on top. I fold the slice over with the butter and meats nestled in the centre and regard it. They’d probably wonder why they were folded but maybe not. When you’re coming in from the field all you want it food no matter how it’s laid out.  My stomach gurgles.

I pick up another slice.

/

I pour the remaining little pile of apricots into his large, dirt smudged hand. I take one of the bread rolls, the surface a little lumpy where a turkey cube or other meat is pushing against it but like the other, he takes no notice.  I hand over the last two slices of cheese and he leaves without a word. He didn’t look at me the entire time, none of them did, and I was glad.

The unease ebbs away as the man retreats. I wondered if I’d always be like that around men. I hadn’t been with Eddie but Eddie hadn’t been a man… but he would have been.

I push the thought away and look around at the others. Most had sat down in the shade just outside the kitchen, it was late afternoon and the only things left to do after they’d ate would be to water the grounds and tidy away the tools.

Ever since the first had taken her food away I’d waited for them to raise the alarm or for Mary to come out after me holding the half empty jar that I’d hidden behind the rest.  But no one had. They all sat eating in silence but I noticed that some sucked at their lips or looked at the bread with an odd expression.

 “Enjoying slaving over the stoves?”  I hadn’t realized I’d been smiling until I felt it drop from my face. The Guardian from this morning was leaning against the wall and he was smiling at me. It reminded me of how my face felt before I washed it.  With my eyes on the ground I turn to go back inside. “Oh c’mon, I’m kidding.”

I nod but don’t stop.

“Wait.” He says and it sounds like an order. “You look different.”  I freeze. I feel his eyes on my face and the urge to turn away or cover it courses through me. When he speaks his voice is quieter. “What’s your name girl?”

_Don’t draw attention.  
Don’t draw attention._

My hands begin to shake and I curl them into fists. I hear the crunch of his boots coming closer.

“I’ll tell you what.” He proposes as I stare at the concrete step beneath me. Out of the corner of my eye I realise he’s come far too close. “I will give you this if you tell me.”

I know he’s waiting for me to look at him and I drag my eyes upward. He’s holding out a cookie. My stomach drops and my mind propels back to another time, a different Guardian taunting a little boy with a chocolate muffin.  This Guardian looks more than pleased by my reaction, he thinks I want what he’s offering, he thinks I don’t know the cost.

“I don’t want it.” I say quietly and run through the back door.

I reach the counter in the middle of the room, expecting the Guardian to have followed me but he hasn’t. I let out the breath I’d been holding.

“Have you eaten yet?” Mary asks from a chair in the corner.

I shake my head and turn to her and Serena.  “I need to go check on my…on Janine.”

“Meredith already did. She said she’s okay. Drank some water, ate some berries.” Mary says tiredly.

“I should-”

“Eat.” Serena says, not looking up from her plate.

“She’s right. Sit.”

I shift from one foot to the other, wanting to run out the back door and back to the barn. My mother would come to me, I know she would. But I also knew what she’d tell me to do.

And the Guardian was out there.

_Stay out of trouble. Follow the rules. Don’t draw attention._

I hadn’t managed to do any of those things.

My stomach growls angrily, making Serena look up.  I look away and Mary comes toward me with a small plate, chicken, a slice of bread and blackberries.  I take it and I’m about to say I’ll go check on my mother anyway when Mary speaks.

“I’ve started warming the scones and I’ll put the eggs on in another minute. Rosemarie can clean the dining room-” I’m so startled to hear her say my name I grab the edge of the counter and she looks at me irritated. “Will you eat that before you collapse to? God that’s all we need. She can clean with Meredith while we prepare the dinner so it’s ready for you and her to take out and-”

“I’m not serving.” Serena says her voice hard. Mary had been talking in weary voice but now she straightens up, fixing the other women with a cold stare. I swallow a blackberry and my stomach spasms around it. I wince.

“What do you mean you’re not? You have to.”

“No. I don’t.” Serena snarls and I worry both of them will start fighting. “I helped you out this morning but I am not serving dinner. It’s not my job. I won’t do it. I won’t.”

That’s when I heard it, the scared desperation under the ferocity of her tone.

“Well nobody else can!” Mary’s voice was too loud and it made me hunch down, looking worriedly at the back door. She seemed to realise too and cleared her throat. “Meredith will be too slow on her own and I can’t leave things here.”

“It was Janine’s job so it’s _her_ problem.”  On the word ‘her’ she turned to me as did Mary. The piece of bread I’d been swallowing gets stuck and I cough. “I’ll show her what to do. She’ll do it.”

“I can’t -“ my voice is a broken whine.

“Well you’ll have to.” Snaps Mary and I flinch. “It isn’t Serena’s job and if your mother wasn’t running around after you all the time this wouldn’t have happened.”

All the air goes out of me.  Was that true? I tried so hard to stay out of the way. To do what she told me but no matter what I did she always looked at me like I disappointed her. That’s when I realize, it wasn’t what I did, it’s what I was. I was her responsibility and she loved me, which made it harder. She was always worried. Always.

“Hurry up and eat that.” Serena says and I look up feeling outside of myself. “I have a lot to show you.”

/

I’d eaten though I’d tasted nothing and then listened to Serena for hours on how to serve to the left and clear from the right and how to be aware of when someone’s glass is empty enough to refill it and to never let it be empty, especially the Mistress’s.  I knew what way cutlery was put on a plate to show that they are done and to wait five minutes between each course, ten for dessert.  That Master Ozera expected whiskey, and a cigar, instead of wine with dessert.

I felt dizzy when I learned there are four courses. Four.  So much food.

I’d listened and learned all of this as Mary prepared breakfasts for Meredith to take upstairs and more meals to be sent out to Guardians on the grounds. The sun had long since set. Plates sat warming on the stove and the smell of marinating meats and soups and chocolate filled the house. I don’t know how my mother did this without going out of her mind. Serena had left to go back to the barn at sunset, when they usually herded us in. Being in the house this late was strange and felt wrong.

“I’ll serve Mater and Mistress Ozera.” Meredith says quietly and I lift my head from where it had been in my hands. She wasn’t looking at me but folding napkins and tucking cutlery into them like they were pockets. “You serve the young master. He will be less likely to notice if you screw up.”

“Thank you.” I breathe.

She shrugs and still doesn’t look at me.

“You’ve cleaned your hands?” Mary asks, even though her voice is quiet it has all sharpness as if she shouted. She walks over to the backdoor and opens it to the dark.

“Yes.”

“Good. Now come here, I have to spray you with this.” I get off my stool and come toward her as she holds up a canned spray, shaped like the polish from this morning. This morning seemed a very long time ago.  “We can’t do anything about your clothes and you can’t bathe, there isn’t time so…” she breaks off, pushes me out onto the step and begins spraying the air around me. It smells of flowers and tickles my nose. She takes a small bottle out of her apron that’s filled with yellow liquid. “Vanilla flavouring but it should work.” She tips a small amount onto my fingers and tells me to put it just under and behind my ears.

I’ve only shut the back door behind me when the one to the house opens and we all freeze. A Guardian, not the same from this morning, fills the doorway. “Young Mr. Ozera is home. They expect dinner in twenty minutes.” He leaves.

I am able to breathe again. I look to Meredith and Mary who have begun moving around wordlessly, like locked into a dance they know wellv. They both seem as nervous as I do and I feel I may be sick. It seems like seconds and suddenly Mary is holding out a small square plate to me, laden with leaves and white cheese.

“Go.” She hisses.

Meredith is already in the doorway, waiting and her eyes are pleading with me to not mess this up because if I do… if I do…

 _Eddie_.

I won’t. I can do this.

I set my shoulders and rush up after her. She spares me one last glance and moves out into the hall which is now softly lit. I can hear murmured conversation up ahead and I know it’s them, sitting at that table, waiting for us to deliver four courses. I reach inside myself desperately seeking the numbness. I needed it more than ever as my hand become clammy against the plate. I keep my eyes on Meredith’s back. We reach the opened space, the staircase beside us, two Guardians lining the wall and then we turn left.

The nothingness rushes over me. Maybe my brain shut off when I felt too much emotion, maybe it was all self-delusion but whatever it was I was glad. If it didn’t happen then I would have dropped the plate because the moment we came into the room whatever had been making the mistress laugh ceased to be funny.

I feel her eyes on me. Burning.  I pass Mr Ozera at the head of the table, her as she sat on the other side in the middle and when I reach the other end I serve the plate, to his left, to young Mr. Ozera.

“Thank you.” He murmurs and it was all I could do to not jump out of my skin.

Two more Guardians held the wall behind him.

I join Meredith in the corner, out of the immediate light that bathed the table and its guests, beside the wooden trolley that held the wine.

I let out the breath I’d been holding.

“Well that’s new.” Mistress Ozera’s voice is loud and harsh. The loudest I’d heard anyone speak in hours.

“This looks delicious.” Master Ozera says,  ignoring his wife. “Some proper food for you, Christian. I can only imagine it was junk food all summer.”

“Aunt Tasha cooked sometimes.” Young Mr Ozera replied. I could see his side profile from the shadows. He had dark hair like his father, just liked I remembered, and he’d grown. Even sitting down I could tell he was tall but then so Moroi were, just as they were slender.

_Four courses._

“Good Lord, Tasha cooking.” Mistress Ozera says sounding amused. The the ice no longer sharp in her voice but it was still there.

“More than you could Mom.”

My body locks up upon hearing the way he speaks to her and even more so to hear her answering laughter.

“He is right Moira. I remember when we first started dating and somehow the lettuce was burnt.”

“I was never meant to be a domestic goddess.”

I realise the young master has put his cutlery down the same moment Meredith moves from my side. My heart lurches as I step out of the shadows and _clear from the right._  I can feel eyes on my again, especially hers, burning, always burning.  The hairs on the back of my neck prickle as it takes all my self-control to walk behind Meredith and not run past her. When we reach the hall her pace pick up and soon we’re in the kitchen.

I heave in breaths like I’ve been running.

“You’re doing fine.” Meredith sounds jittery as she places bread rolls onto the plates that already hold a bowl of soup.

“Go.” Mary says and we do. I’m more aware of the food in my hand this time. The hot liquid looks back up at me threateningly and every step is a strain and small triumph. It could be so easy to slip in our slips, with no grip on the floor…

And then I’ve set it down in front of him and am in the safety of the corner. My heart is hammering in my chest. Meredith comes back and I almost follow her in a panic when she leaves again. Then I see the bottle in her hands and she is refilling the Mistress’s glass.  Young Mr. Ozera had hardly touched his.

Deep breaths.

“So Tasha is still hell bent on this, idealistic notion of hers is she?” The mistress says. Meredith comes back to my side.

“It is a good idea.” Christian

“It is but as your mother says, idealistic. Things are getting worse Christian. I don’t know how much you heard over the summer but-“

“I heard a lot. Tasha doesn’t hide things from me.”

“Nor do we! We are just more selective about what information needs to burden a young boy.”

“I’m seventeen mom, not a child.”

“We know that.” Mr Ozera soothes.

“And if the Szelsky’s had used their magic to defend themselves then they wouldn’t be dead. Their line wouldn’t have ended.”

Meredith leaves again to refill the Mistress’s glass. From over her shoulder I can see she has hardly touched her soup. Worry and anger putter in my stomach.

“Maybe so.” The mistress says, already lifting her newly filled glass to her lips. I feel secure enough to steal looks at her seeing I am in shadow and she has her back to me. Her hair was dark but not black like her sons, more brown like bark. She was also slender and pale like the other two. The finger’s on her right hand glittered, one with a blood red stone and a clear cut gem on another that sparkled.  “But as it is, they are dead.”

“Tasha thinks the Strigoi are operating under one leader and it is not random pack attacks. She thinks-”

“I want to hear no more of what Tasha thinks, Christian.” Mrs Ozera snaps, waving her jewelled hand at him. He glares at her and that’s when I notice his eye, blue like clear sky at noon.  A small part of me is glad someone can look at her like that.

Meredith is already at the mistress’s side before I realise and rush forward.  I lift his plate too fast and the bowl slides an inch on the plate’s surface, my heart spasms. No one comments but I know they all seen and my cheeks begin to heat. Meredith’s already in the hall as I get to the edge of the room.

“ _Why_ is that girl in my home?” I hear the Mistress bite out and I do run the last length of the hall.

Mary stops what she’s doing and looks at me. “What happened? You’ve gone pale.”

“I can’t.” I try to explain shaking my head.

Her concern disappears. “You don’t have a choice.”

“You’re doing well.” Meredith says without looking at me as she removes a tray from the oven. I recognise steak. I look at bowls we’ve just returned and not one of them is empty.

“They don’t, they didn’t even finish, how can they just-“ I sputter and the fire is seeping through my limbs again. 

Mary returns my look and snatches up a bottle that’s beside the stove. “Take a drink of this.”

“What-”

“Wine. It will help. ” She says simply and when Meredith looks up she continues. “It’s what’s left from making the sauce. It’s fine.”

I look down at the bottle and without thinking lift it to my lips. The liquid has smoothness to it, a sweetness that gives way to a bite as I swallow. Mary snatches the bottle from my grip as my head reels trying to process the taste in my mouth. The fire in my chest is fading. I pick up the last plate and follow Meredith who’s waiting for me in the doorway. When we reach the dining room a strange tingling has spread through my body.

I feel calmer. Not calm but like my body is out of danger from shaking.

“You don’t have to return to the Academy.” Mr Ozera says as I set the plate down in front of his son.

“I know but I want to. It is my final year.”

“It’s not completely safe there.”

“It not safe anywhere mom but I’m betting the safest place is the Academy with its wards and dozens of Guardians.”

“We have wards and Guardian’s here.” The mistress replies and it’s strange, it sounds as if she’s begging.

Christian lowers the forkful of food from his mouth.  “What… what’s going on? Why don’t you want me to go back?”

Meredith refills both the Master and the Mistresses glasses.

“It’s not that we don’t want you to back.” Mr Ozera says and takes a sip of wine. “But as your mother says, it’s just as safe here. Also… there are other ways to ensure protection.”

I don’t know what it is but I can feel a tension in the air. Maybe from the set of the Master’s shoulders or how the Mistress has drained her glass again.

“Like what?” Christian asks whilst chewing. “Letting Tasha teach us how to use fire to defend ourselves?”

The mistress makes a noise as if she’s choked and sneezed at the same time. She takes a gulp of her newly filled glass and then says. “No, not like that.”

There’s a brief pause in which the young master looks between his parent, his expression confused and little guarded.

“There are ways to bargain with the strigoi.” Master Ozera says.

 


	3. Walking dead.

The room is still and I’m very careful drawing breath.  The guardians are like statues against the wall, looking as if they see and hear both everything and nothing at all.

_Strigoi._

I’d heard the word before but I wasn’t sure where. It wasn’t in any of my two books, I was sure. My dictionary didn’t have it or its meaning. I knew it was to do with the Guardians, it was a word they exchanged and it rolled together with the ‘wards’. 

Finally the young master leans back in his chair. He looks between his parents and I get the idea that he’s hiding something. “There is no bargaining with Strigoi. You can’t even get close enough to propose bargaining because they’ll snap your neck and drain you of your blood.”

The plainness of how he spoke mixed with the violent words made the wine in my blood go cold. Meredith is stiff beside me. I don’t know what a strigoi is but by the feeling of the room I know it isn’t good. I also knew that a broken neck wasn’t good either.  I drop my gaze to the floor, wishing I could stop listening now, that I had followed the rules and never started.

“Things are changing.” Mr Ozera replies. “They are not as savage and unorganised as we’re lead to believe.”

“But they do prey on any living person with a few pints of blood in their system?”

Mrs Ozera sets down her empty glass with a loud clink. “Wine!”

Meredith scurries over.

“What is…what’s going on?”

“We’re just discussing possible options for allies Christian. We have to think of our family, we have to protect ourselves.”

“Guardians-”

“Guardian numbers are dwindling.” Mr Ozera says flatly. I peek up from the floor to the black geared men at the wall, there were only two and yet their presence felt larger.  “We cannot ask for more, they’ve been stretched too thin already. And with the other Royals unable to come to any decisions about what kind of government they want to live under we are all taking what we can for ourselves, while we can.”

“Something is going to happen.” Mrs Ozera says. Her voice is quiet and lulls in a strange way. Like my mothers had been before she collapsed. “And we need to be prepared for when it does. We need to be on the winning side.”

“Winning side?” Christian repeats bewildered. “What sides? Shouldn’t we be trying to reach out to the other Royals? Maybe presenting Tasha’s idea, I know it’s controversial but there were times we learnt to protect ourselves.”

“And you think what Christian? We will all unite under Tasha’s naïve dream? One family cannot even agree on it, twelve families will not.”

“Eleven.” He says softly and reaches for his wine glass.

“I will not have my son fighting for his life. I will not have it.” Mistress Ozera says. Meredith refills her glass.

“No you will just sacrifice as many Dhampirs as you can.”

“That’s what they are there for.”

“How can you sound so glib about it? They are people, they have lives. They’re not robots and no matter how much you try to tell yourself mother, they are not _your_ slaves.”

“Christian.” Master Ozera’s voice is sharp and I ridiculously feel a pang of worry toward his son. He, however, doesn’t seem worried under the master’s glare. He looks livid.

“You have spent too much time with your aunt I fear.” Mistress Ozera says quietly.

“Yes, it’s refreshing to be around someone with morals.”

“Enough!” Mr Ozera thunders. I feel as if I will never be able to move again. My bones are lead, my entire body locked into place. “Apologise to your mother.”

The young master bows his head and his jaw clenches.  Shock runs through me and I feel as if I’m gazing at something familiar. But then he looks up at Mistress Ozera with something in his eyes that I never had and the moment is gone. I drop my eyes back to the floor. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s perfectly alright.” Mrs Ozera replies calmly. “Perhaps this was not the right time to have this conversation but we are rather pressed. I just thought you would old enough to understand or at the very least hear us out, even if you didn’t like what you heard.”

Something in her voice needles me and I glance up to see the young masters hand clench in his lap. He takes a drink from his glass. “I am rather tired from travelling. Forgive me.”

Master Ozera sighs. “No need, it is a touchy subject, we know. Strigoi are to be feared yes and it would be unwise to underestimate them. Perhaps we’re not explaining very well…”

“What is it exactly you are trying to explain father?”  The young master says, as if he is treading over fragile ground.

“We have a guest arriving tomorrow, they will be able to clarify everything and answer all your questions. Let us just enjoy the rest of our meal shall we?”

“Sounds good to me.” The young master drains the rest of his glass and my chest constricts. Meredith is already pressing the bottle into my hands and I start forward.

I keep my eyes on the glass and the red liquid that pour from the bottles mouth.

“Spending time with your Aunt may have given you a self-righteous outlook on your summer but that’s over now.” Mrs Ozera speaks smoothly with all the warmth of the cooler. “But you can’t try and shame us for our lifestyle choices, especially as you benefit from such homely pleasures.”

The young master springs up from his chair, knocking the bottle from my grip and a small scream escapes me.

“You stupid girl!” Mrs Ozera hisses.

“Sit down Christian.”  Master Ozera snaps.

“I’m sor – I’m so sorry- I…”

Meredith is already beside me mopping the wooden table top and I retrieve the bottle with numb fingers. Out of the corner of my eye the young masters hand move upward and instinctively I flinch back.

The contact doesn’t come and I look up before I can think better of it. The young master’s hand is paused in the air but not at an angle that threatens me. His blue eyes look at me as if he’s been the one that has been punished.

Meredith pushes the soiled napkins she’s used into my hands and jabs my side with her fingers, telling me to leave. I bolt out of the room with a strange rushing in my ears. I reach the kitchen and fall down the two steps. I vaguely hear Mary exclaim something and rush to pull me up.  A small slap to my face brings the room back into focus.

“What happened?” Marys asks in a strained voice.

“I spilt the wine.”

“Oh God.”  Her round eyes dart past me and I turn as Meredith rushes down the steps.

“Bottle of red.” She says. Mary runs to a cupboard and pulls it open.

“I’m so sorry.”

Meredith holds up a hand to me and I shrink back. She takes the bottle from Mary and has left before I can blink.

Voices suddenly rise up, angry voices. I look at Mary terrified and she stares back blankly, fear stationary in her eyes.  I can’t make out what is being said, no shouted, but it’s raw and scolding. My back hits the centre counter. Just as suddenly as the voices flared up they disappear.  The only noise was our breathing.

We both jump as Meredith appears in the doorway balancing all three plates. She looks pale. Mary rushes forward to help her.

“Do they want the next course?”

“No, just the whiskey.”

Mary retrieves a bottle half filled with amber liquid and gives it to her.

After Meredith leaves Mary says. “Let’s just pray that your mothers well tomorrow.”

Selfishly I can’t help but hope the same thing.

/

I place the last plate on top of the others. The dish towel in my hand damp and I idly wonder if I should get another but I can’t seem to muster up the energy too. My eyes felt like there were bruises behind them and my body was weighed down in a way made me think of my shoes. Battered and nearly useless. I hear Mary draining out another sink full of dirty water.

“One more should do it.” Her voice sounding how I felt.

 I’m leaning against the counter next to her, staring at the opposite wall and imagining peeling off my shirt and baggy slacks and putting on the oversized shirt, then just falling down onto my bedroll. I’ll probably be asleep before I hit it. I’ll probably not bother changing.  The only thing that was giving me energy to stay awake was the thought of my mother and that I had to make sure she was alright before I slept.

I hear Mary start scrubbing and I almost wished Meredith were still here to help but she’d left nearly an hour ago, after taking dishes along with the desserts to the Guardian quarters.

I was almost too tired to be resentful over Serena’s cake and chocolate custard disappearing out the door. Almost.

Silently Mary passes me the oven dish and I start mopping the slick surface, not even looking away from the wall to make sure I was doing it right. I wonder what tomorrow will be like, if my mother would be well enough. A part of me wanted her to rest, to gather her strength because if I was this tired after one day then how did she cope with it all the time? On top of it she worried about me, she checked on me and when I was younger and less manageable it must have been terrible. A bigger, uglier part of me wants her to be well enough so I didn’t have to do this again. Not at least, for a very long time.

Shame settles in my stomach and I wish I could lie down on the floor.

I put the dish next to the plates and as I turn back to take another soppy dish from Mary something draws my eyes to the door.

I go still, the dish held in the air to my left forgotten.

Mary makes an impatient sound at the same time he says. “Sorry to intrude.” She jumps and from the corner of my eye I see her bow her head. I quickly do the same, mentally slapping myself for staring but I couldn’t help it. The look he wore was tight and despite his height he looked drawn into himself…like we all tried to be. But that was stupid.

“Is there something we can get you Young Master Mr Ozera?” Mary asks.

“No, nothing at all.” He says quickly. I hear his footfalls on the steps, louder than any noise we’d make or the Guardians would. “I just wanted to… well I just wanted to compliment the chef. Dinner was great.”

I hear her breathe in and out. “My pleasure sir.”

It’s quiet and I begin counting the white veined parts of the dark tiled floor, wishing he would leave.

“Can I, would you like some help?”

I peek up to see Mary’s looking at him puzzled.  He was even taller than I thought. His blue eyes look between us and then he gestures to the sink.

“Oh no! We can manage sir.”

“Are you sure-“ he say says coming  forward and I step back, hitting the cupboard behind me with a thump. He stops and looks at me like he had in the dining room. I drop my eyes and watch his feet take a step back. “I would never… you don’t have to be afraid of me.”

Anger flares up in my body, making my eyes sharper and I forget about the fear and glare up at him. I bite down on my lip.

Mary is making noises as if she’s trying to speak but her tongues been cut out.

“I didn’t mean to frighten you.”  He says and for a moment I think I can see past what I’m afraid of and just see a boy. A boy with messy black hair and cautious blue eyes, who was trying to muster up the courage admit to something terrible he’d done.

The moment is interrupted by a gurgling noise.

_I hate my body, I hate my body, I hate my body._

“Are you hungry?” he asks and I shake my head, the noise had to be just my insides twisting. “Yes you are. I’ll make you something, I ‘m not that good but I can make-“

“No I-“ He was talking very fast and I was starting to feel as I  were running down hill and unable to stop, even though a sheer drop waited or me at the bottom.

“Toast or Oatmeal or a sandwich.” He continues looking around the kitchen as if these things will just appear.  “Or you could make whatever you wanted-“ he steps toward the pantry.

“No sir please.” I say starting to panic, the drop was getting closer.

“We’ve already eaten sir.” Mary jumps in holding up her hands.

“It’s not a problem. It’s okay.” He starts moving toward the pantry and the panic propels me forward so I’ve taken the sleeve of his white shirt in my fingertips.

“Please don’t!” 

He is so much taller than I am, I just reach his shoulder. He looks just as surprised as I am for me to be touching him and immediately I drop my hand. I expect his face to contort into a mask of anger and disgust. I should drop my eyes but I couldn’t look away from the drop as my toes cling to the edge of cliff.

His dark brows furrow. “What age are you?”

What did that matter?

“Christian.”

I spring away from him as he twists round. The edge of the centred island bites into my ribs but I hardly feel the pain. Mistress Ozera stands on top of the steps. Her face looking like it could be carved from marble. Her eyes are angry slits in her hard face and they are watching her son.

“I was just-“ He begins but she cuts him off.

“Go see your father in the living room. He wants to speak to you.”  When he doesn’t move immediately her eyes narrow further.  “Now!” 

I feel Mary’s flinch as well as my own.

He moves past her, pressing himself against the door as if he couldn’t bear touching her. Her icy gaze moves to Mary, whose face that was just a shade lighter than her grey hair. “Take them another bottle of wine.”

I hear a cupboard door open and close. Feet scurrying across the tiles and disappear.

I stare down at the tiles, searching inside for the numbness, begging for it as my hands tremble at my sides.

“Ever since you stepped into my dining room, looking like the grubby little rat that you are, I have been _trying_ to comprehend to what right you think you have to being inside my home. “ Her voice is soft, punctuated by the sound of each of her heels clicking on the steps. My heart is banging in my chest, a chaotic rhythm and that is screaming at me to run.  The clicking gets closer and when the point of her shoes reaches my gaze my whole vision begins to shake. “Do you think my tolerance of you is omnipotent? That you could just walk through my home thinking I was that generous just because I tolerate you and your whore of a mother? Do you?”

My tongue is dead in my mouth. I shake my head.

“And then I find you talking to my son.” The smoothness of her voice collapses into a growl. “Again I cannot fathom what gives you the right to such arrogance.”

My mind was shutting down, my chest pulling into itself and enabling my ability to breathe.

“Say something!”

I’m not sure how but I drag my gaze to hers. “I’m sorry.”

She stares at me and I wished I were dead.  “I don’t believe you.”

Her hand is a blur as it strikes out and my head is yanked to the right. A scream tears out of my throat as she drags me behind her by my hair to the back door and out into the yard. 

“You do not speak to my son, you don’t look at my son, you vile little bitch.” She snarls and releases my hair only to take me by the arm. I stumble under her grip and she wrenches my arm impatiently so I stand upright. She leans down toward me her expression twisted. “You are beneath us. You live for us. You do what we tell you to do and in return we let you live. Do I make myself clear?”

I nod and strange sound escapes my lips.

“Good.” She says softly, her blue eyes shearing off my skin. “But just to be sure.”

For a second nothing happens. The night is still around us as I’m locked into her gaze. Then a white hot pain ignites under her hand and blazes through my body. My legs collapse beneath me and she lets me fall. I cannot breathe, I cannot think, all that I am is agony and it fills me so I am nothing else.

When the pain recedes back enough to let me think I know that I am alone. I am gasping and shaking on the ground with gravel on my lips. I know the source of pain is coming from the arm that is not wedged beneath me. I know that she has burned me. The pain overwhelms me again and there is no thinking.

I don’t know how long I lay there but I open my eyes again the sky seems lighter. 

Above my head there is a small noise, a gritty sound. Someone is standing close. They begin tutting.

“Oh dear.” A voice says. I open my eyes enough to see black boots in front of my face. My gaze travels up to the Guardian’s face. It’s the same one who asked me my name. “Having to learn the hard way are we?”

I shudder against the cool ground and he smiles. “I suggest you get back into the barn.” And he walks away whistling, leaving me lying here like he had my mother.

I don’t know how I did it but I got up and back to the barn. I stumble to the back and fall past the sheet, pain reels up and if I make a sound I don’t hear it. I crawl to my bed roll, a darkness creeping into my body.

 _“_ Rosemarie?”

My mother’s voice is a crack of relief. She’s alright, she is awake, she isn’t lying unaware to the world and I stop holding on and let the darkness takes me.

/

My head is a mess of images, sounds and colours.

Sunlight spreads through my vision and opens up a place. I’m in the orchard and I am small again. The trees stand huge and sturdy, the only things I can rely on not to change. Their leaves shimmer bright green above me, always welcoming, always safe.

“Rose.” Eddie comes toward me with an apple cupped in his two hands. “I won it.”

I reach out and take it. In my palms I watch the red darken and the fruit shrivels up with rot. Confused I look back to him for answers but he isn’t there.

Wetness tickles my toes. I look down to see blood spreading through the grass.

/

“Rosemarie, lift your head for me.”

“Mom?”

Her hands brush against my forehead and I peel back my eyes.  The smell of wood and sweat swirl around me as my mother’s face comes into focus. My heads in her lap and the hand that isn’t leaning against my cheek is on the back of my neck trying to coax me up.  “I need you to swallow these. Lean up.”

I do what she says but as soon as I move pain flares through my right arm and I cry out.

“I know baby, I know it hurts but these will help.” She pushes me up and tells me to open my mouth. Two small dry stones hit my tongue and she holds a bottle of water up to my lips. After I swallow them she lowers me back down and I’m panting.

“What were they?”

“Pain killers. Medicine, they’ll help.”

Memories start coming back to me, being in the kitchen, the young master, Mistress Ozera and the pain. My mind reels back.  “Mom, I’m sorry. I tried, I really tired, I-”

“I know. It’s okay.”

I realize her hair is loose as she pushes it over one shoulder.  A long wavy curtain the colour of autumn leaves, thin strands of silver streaked here and there. She has a small white box in her hands that’s she’s tearing open. The barn is quiet and I think everyone must be asleep. I could feel the heat pressing against the wood and I knew it was past dawn.

“What’s that?”

“I need to clean your arm so it doesn’t get infected.” She says softly. “How do you feel?”

The pain has dulled and I could only feel heat against my arm. My head felt light. “Better.”

I feel her move my arm, pushing my sleeve up and the shaking of a bottle. I don’t watch her tend to my arm. I don’t want to see the wound because it would make everything seem more real. The venom that had been in the Mistress’s eyes had been lethal and what she’d done seemed like only a small dose of it.

Pressure is applied to my arm and I move my eyes from the dark rafters to my mom’s face. She looks paler than usual and there were shadows under her eyes. “You should be resting.”

“I’m okay.”  There was a detached air about her and I guessed it was because she was concentrating on what she was doing.

Something niggles at the edges of my mind as my eyes take in her blank eyes and downturned mouth. It could be nothing. I could be imagining it because everything seems to have gone softer around the edges.  She discards a wipe and strong smell wafts past my nose reminding me of bleach and it sticks to the back of my throat.

“Does it sting?” I shake my head. There was a weird sensation in my arm, underneath the heat but it wasn’t painful. “The medicine’s strong. You’ll only need one when you wake up.”

“Where did you get medicine?” My voice floats above me and I realize my eyes have drifted shut.

“It doesn’t matter.”

I force my eyes open and look at her. She’s unwinding a length of sheer looking bandages, different from the stiffer dressing around my chest.  She tears it off and I feel her working it around my arm.

“Where did you get that?”

She doesn’t respond.

The niggling drives itself to the front of my mind and I open my mouth to ask her again when she leans down closer to the dressing. The neckline of her shirt slides over the rise of her collarbone and between the sharp bone and slope of her shoulder are two puncture marks.

“Tell me you didn’t.”   Her hands still but she doesn’t look up. “Please mom.”

She swallows and meets my gaze. Her eyes blank but I could see the shadow of something behind them. A different kind of pain, one you felt even after the wound had healed and become a scar.  “It doesn’t matter.”

Hot moisture blurs my eyes. “It does matter. You did that for me. You went to him for me, you let him …”

“Hush, Rosemarie.”

Her hands are on my face trying to soothe me but there is no relief. The walls and barriers are crashing down, crippled under the guilt and horror, letting everything flood in. Memories were running through my mind in an unrelenting stream.

The Master a looming shadow over us to which we woke and then I had to pretend to be asleep. Wordlessly my mother would uncurl from against me and move away to the other side of our space. When I was little I never looked but I always heard the pants and the grunting that made me never want to move again. When I was older I dared to look and wished I hadn’t, wished I’d stop doing the wrong thing so I wouldn’t have seen her pressed to the floor under his weight.  My mother’s face had been empty with no life or trace of her there at all. I watched paralysed on the ground as he sank his teeth into her neck her eyes had closed. I shut mine and turned closer to the floor wanting it all to stop.

It never stopped. He always came and we never spoke about it. Until after my last birthday when she told me in whispers we’d have to start hiding parts of me.  My chest had stopped being flat and showed I had left childhood behind. As a child I had been mostly ignored by everyone as long as I didn’t get in the way but now I was starting to be noticed. There would be nothing to protect me from happening to me what happened to my mother.

And now I couldn’t breathe because the fear of it was everywhere and the crushing guilt knowing my mother had went to him willingly this time. She’d done it for me, to provide me medicine.

I cried until the blackness came. The last time I cried like this, like something inside me was breaking, had been a long time ago. The last time I’d cried like this it had been for Eddie, after they’d put his body in the ground.

Blackness came but peace did not.

/

My head was thick and heavy and I wanted to go crawl back to the depths of sleep. But the pain in my arm would make that impossible.  I roll onto my left side and using my arm to push myself up, careful not to jostle the other too much.  It was a fierce burning and it made me feel like the Mistress hand was still there, gripping me. I guess that was the point.

It’s then I realise that’s too bright inside the barn, the brightness of the late afternoon and not early. I’m alone. I shake my head trying to clear it and then wince as my arm protests.  I look down at it, fearing I was going to see burned away and the raw pink flesh.  The source of the agony is tapered up in white bandages I cannot feel the weight of, unlike the one surrounding my chest that nips at my rips. The bandages look slightly moist but I do not dare to touch it.

I notice on my mother’s bedroll is a small brown bottle, sitting boldly in the centre.  Carefully I get to my knees and reach for it. A white label with small writing states something I don’t understand, but underneath reads _pain relief …drowsiness may occur._

It takes me some time to get the cap off with the use of one hand but I manage it. Little white tablets spring out from the bottle that’s fallen into my lap and spill onto my matt. I vaguely recall my mother saying last night about taking one and lift one to my lips, followed by lukewarm water left in my bottle.  After putting the straw pills back in the bottle and wrestling the cap in I lie down, utterly spent and trying to think around the hot pain throbbing in my arm.

I’d spent so long trying to do what my mother said, to not speak to anyone unless spoken to, to not get in the way and to do my work and come inside straight after. Although it made something inside me ache I would rather do it than face whatever life I’d created or myself after last night. Because what I’d done made life now loomed up terrifying and unknown. 

I must have fallen between waking and dreaming because when I soft voice woke me it was darker in the barn. Shadows were creeping up the walls as the sun went down as the night reclaimed the world.

“I brought you something to eat.”

“Thank you Janine.”  I say numbly and sit up.

_I was not a child._

_I did not look to anyone._

_I was responsible for myself._

I feel like she wants to say something but when I raise my gaze to hers she only holds out a bread roll and a banana. I recognise the bread as being the same one served with the soup last night.

I wonder what Serena’s cake tasted like.

“How do you feel?”

“Okay. I took a tablet a while ago.”

“You should take another soon.”

“We should save them.”

“Take another.”

“I will if I need it.”  Silence falls between us. The only noise is my chewing. “Why didn’t you wake me?”

“You needed the rest.”

“I could have taken another pill. I would have been fine.” It comes out harder than I intended and her face pinches.  But this is what needs to happen, this is what she needs me to do, what she had been telling me to do, to look after myself.

“Well.” She says thickly. “There’s not a lot to do now.”

“What time is it?”

“The sun set an hour or two ago.”

“I can help water the field.”

She doesn’t argue. 

“I have to go back and make breakfast but there was one thing I wanted to ask you.” 

I swallow the last of the bread and meet her gaze. She’s watching me in the way she did when she expected me to tell her what I’d done wrong.  “Last night when you were…upset, you said something about a Guardian.”

I return her gaze, the bread roll churning uneasily in my stomach. “Did I?”

“You said he wanted to know your name.”

“I didn’t tell him.” I say quickly and she shuts her eyes like it’s the wrong answer. “You told me not to speak to them.”

“Now you’ve made an impression Rosemarie.” She snaps and I recoil. “It’s probably going to be playing on his mind.”

I bite my lip and she takes a deep breath.

“Is there anything else?” she says quietly, fixing her brown eyes on me.

“It was the same one who talked to me that morning before you… and last night he saw me lying in the yard. He laughed at me.” Her eyes drain of anger and despite what I’d just told myself I say. “Mom what is it? What have I done wrong?”

“He’s noticed you.” She whispers and her face pinches this time almost as if it may break but then she has it controlled. I have no control. I think I may through up what little I have eaten. “We’ll have to do something else.”

“Go longer without washing? I can –“

“They can always make you or punish you for it.” She says and her eyes are absent.

I push down the chilling thought trying to take over but it’s too strong. The image of my mother pressed to the ground but instead of the master it’s the Guardian and under him it’s me lying lifeless.

_No no no no no_

I jump as her hands slid around my face, more shocked by the contact than by the roughness of her touch.  The sadness in my mother’s dark eyes paralyses me. Her normally weathered face looks young and open, all the sternness and coldness gone.  “It isn’t normal what I’ve wish on you but we do not have the luxury of normalcy… when men notice something beautiful and untouched they want it. They’ll want you and they’ll take you. I won’t be able to protect you from it.”

A part of me was struck by her language, how different it became when she forgot about it and it reminded me that this place was not always her life. It was a small piece she’d brought with her to this one just like she’d brought her necklace.

“What do we do?” I say even though I know there is nothing to be done.

“We can... give them reason to not want to look at you.” Her thumbs stroke my cheeks and she drops her hands.

“How?”

“I’ll bring a knife back tonight.” She says gently. “We’ll give you a scar to hide behind.”

/

My mother left me, caressing my cheek one last time, to go back to the kitchen.  I ate my banana dazedly and then I got up and walked out into the night.  I had never thought much about my face and I could never remember having properly seen it, just some side glances in metal surfaces that gave bizarre reflections.

I knew my hair was dark, like a deep wooden colour because it was long enough to take in my hands and see. I knew my eyes were brown because my mother told me but I didn’t know what kind of brown. Were they a lighter colour like hers? The colour Eddie’s had been? I didn’t know.

It really didn’t matter. I would have just liked to have seen it before it changed.

The moon was full tonight, a bright white orb hung in the sky. It looked lovely and lonely.  I wondered did it feel alone or did it look down on the rest of and feel lucky to be so far away. I would.

A yellowish light interrupts my gazing and I realize I’ve wondered under the view of the kitchen window. I look at the gravel trying to see if there were any signs of where I’d fallen, what Mistress Ozera had done but there were none. The only mark was the one I carried. I started walking backwards away from the light and into the inky blue night.  I should go into the fields and help them water the soil or check for any forgotten tools but instead I found myself under the only tree in the yard.  I can see the side of the large house from here and I watch a black shape emerge and cross with another, guardian’s.  

And then they start appearing everywhere, melting out of the dark. They come out of the field, hurrying the others and shouting for them to hurry up.

“Get back to the barn.” A voice barks and I jump, my back hitting the tree. A guardian standing by the gate that led to the orchards is staring right at me as others scurry past him. I do as he says and as I’m passing the kitchen Mary comes out of it followed by a Guardian who stands in the doorway.

“What’s happening?” I ask

“I don’t know.” She replies, looking around bewildered. We move along with the others to the Barn, everyone else looking just as confused.  She doesn’t say anything about last night and I don’t expect her to, what would be the point.

I shuffle off to the back and when I get behind the sheet I realise my mother’s not here. I duck out past it and scan the through the others who are settling down into their spaces as a guardian stands at the door.  I wait for her to come through but with one shout outside and the Guardian at the door answering, the door is shut.

_Where was she?_

I run back down to Mary, dodging everyone and not looking at them.  She looks up as I approach and says. “They came and got her before they told us to come back here.”

“Who got her?”

“A Guardian.”

“What did he want?”

Her eyes flash. “How would I know?” She turns her back to me.

I look back at the door. What could I do? I couldn’t go out there. Unwillingly I trudge back to our space. I sit down on my matt and try not to think.

Not thinking was proving to be difficult so I reach under my mother’s matt for the medicine.  It takes time to get the cap off again and then to get it back on. After I’ve done that I start drawing patterns on the floor, letting my fingers drift through the dirt. I don’t know how long I do that for but my minds getting hazier. I write my name and then my mothers, scoring them out afterward. It feels good to do something so obvious and forbidden and then wipe it out like it wasn’t there.

A tiny commotion carries through the air and I score out what I’d been writing, just as my mother comes through the sheet.

“What-“ I begin to say but she pulls me up with strength I didn’t think she had and slides something into my slacks, it’s cold and hard against my stomach.  As she’s doing this she’s also talking quickly.

“They want to see you. I don’t know why, someone was coming and then they got a call and now _she_ wants to see you.” She pulls me past our sheet. A Guardian is standing in the middle of the barn, and it’s like an invisible boundary has been drawn as the others cringe away from him.

“Quickly.” He snaps.

“Do what you have to.” My mother whispers.

She pushes me toward him by my shoulders

Everything was moving too fast. One second she had me by my shoulders and the next the Guardians had seized my wrist and was pulling me outside.  I didn’t look back. He pulls me out into the yard. I stumble behind him and regretting taking another tablet. Suddenly he stops and I collide with his back. He makes a noise of disgust and when I right myself I see he’s brought me to someone.

I go perfectly still.

Mrs Ozera stands next to another Guardian who has one hand to his ear as if he’s listening to something.

“There you are.” She says briskly and smiles. It wasn’t a nice one. “I need you to deliver a message _Rosemarie_.” She comes toward me and I flinch back. She grabs my shoulder and turns me around.  I try to ignore the instinct to run away, to get away from her touch. “The forests edge, right there, I need you to go in there and I need you to keep going until you meet someone. Do you understand? Just keep going forward.”

“Why -“

She slaps me and I nearly fall over.

“You will do as I say, understood?”  She hisses.

I nod so fast it makes me dizzy.

“Three minutes Mrs Ozera.” The Guardian, that had been holding his ear, says. She glances at him and the anger melts off her face and is replaced by something that seems entirely alien on her face, apprehension.

Her head snaps back to me. “You run as fast as you can and tell them things have changed. Go!”

I stumble and then start running. It takes a moment for my mind to catch up with what I’m doing and what she’d said.

I run toward the treeline, the field’s fence running along with me until it cuts off and I’m running through the gap between the forest and the field. The gap I knew the wards occupied because the Guardian’s patrolled them and we were not allowed near here. The tree line nears and I expect to my body to connect with something, to feel some presence of the ward but I don’t and break through the treeline.

/

I’m panting and I’m not sure how much longer I can run for.  My mind feels foggy but I cling to Mistress Ozera’s words. I didn’t understand them.  I just knew I had to keep running but toward what and to say what I didn’t know.

_Plans have changed_

My lungs couldn’t keep up with the work I’d been putting on them and though I didn’t want to my pace slows until I’m gripping a tree and trying to breathe. Sweat trickles over my temple and my legs want to crumple beneath me.

Somewhere in the back of my mind a voice was asking who I could be meeting out here? Why wouldn’t they come up the long stretch of road in front o the house like the masters guests usually did, which wasn’t often. Their kind didn’t like the sun and hated the heat even more. My mother said the Ozera’s were different although they never came out in the day they liked the warmth of the night. She said it had something to do with their magic.

I push away from the tree and look around. It’s so much darker here and so very quiet.  I begin to realize just how alone I was. No Guardian’s, not others, no masters… at least back there I knew what to fear. Out here my mind wanted to imagine the worst possible thing. But that was silly, what could be worse than what I’d already lived with?

I take a deep breath and plunge ahead.

Time seemed to stretch forwards and backwards and then the ground began to slope upward. I trip a lot, the forest floor getting caught in my ankles.  My hands are stinging and my legs are screaming in protest as I clamber up the hill. It becomes too much and my legs buckle so I’m braced against another tree.

What if I’d gone the wrong way?  The only sound was the wind rustling the leaves overhead. Maybe I’d not heard something she’d said, what if I’d forgotten? What if I couldn’t get back? Panic threatens to cripple me completely.

I slide down the tree bit further and a sharp pain cuts into my stomach. I gasp and scrabble up. I pull my shirt up and between my slacks and my stomach is a knife. It’s bitten into my skin leaving a thin line of pink, two beads of blood spotting it.  I can only guess the knife held there because the drawstring of my trousers was pulled so tight.  I slide it out.

Why had my mother given me it? Did she know I’d be out here and maybe it would help me feel better? I didn’t know how to use a knife to protect myself. I’d probably end up doing more damage to my own body.

No she said she didn’t know what Mistress Ozera wanted but she did know that it was her who wanted to speak to me. Maybe she thought she was going to hurt me again… but then what could I do with a knife?  I could hardly attack the Mistress, not when she was surrounded by Guardians.

I look around me, only able to see two trees ahead until it became a wall of menacing black.

What do I do?

I force myself upright and try to decide whether or not to put the knife back into my slacks. The hard, cold press of it in my hand made me feel better but what would the person I was supposed to meet think about it. What if they told Mistress Ozera?  She’d kill me.

But what kind of person would I be meeting out here? I take a steadying breath and lower the knife to my side, just past my hip so it wouldn’t look to threatening. I take a few more steps forward and now the dark seemed to want to close in on me, like it was trying to swallow me. Shapes move in the black but I was sure it was my imagination and I tell myself to stop being a child.

 The ground evens out, making me stumble and this time I fall to my knees in a hard thud.  There’s no energy left to push myself, my body yelling at me that it needs to rest but I can’t rest, I have to –

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up and a familiar cold sensation marches up my back.  The same feeling I got when I was being watched.  I look around but the night reveals no secrets or threats but I know well enough that the worst things can be the ones you don’t see coming.

I try and tell myself that this is my mind playing games with me again but the feeling doesn’t shift.  My fingers tighten around the knife, the only thing that’s keeping me shutting down in fear.

I think I see a shape move in the shadows, a slight movement but I know it’s my mind tricking me I know –

The shape gets an outline against the black, solid like a tree but not a tree, a person.

I stop breathing and my heart beats faster.

I stare at the shape and it doesn’t make any more movement but it is clearly a person.  It has to be whom the Mistress sent me to. It has to be, who else would be out in the forest? I try to clear my mind of the little voice telling me to run. I swallow and force myself to stand I know I should look down but I can’t seem to make myself to.

I have to try twice to speak. “Mistress Ozera says that things have changed.”  It was the only thing I can remember to repeat from her and it sounds so petty. The shadow doesn’t move or speak. I swallow and without thinking I say. “And, and I have to return to her as soon as possible.”

I take a step backward and the shape moves. I freeze. They keep coming forward, seeming to glide rather than walk and my heart was beating so hard in my ears I thought I might go deaf.  The black seems to slip back from as if unveiling them and she melts out of the shadows.

At first the Mistress comes to mind but they couldn’t be more different.  This women’s skin was made of opaque moonlight, as if it had been capture and contained to a glass case.  She almost glowed in the dim light. She wasn’t tall like the mistress and her hair wasn’t dark, it was a golden colour that made me think of the sun peeking up on the horizon. I would have thought she were what my mother and my dictionary had described as an angel if it weren’t for her eyes.

They glinted scarlet.

I had to be dreaming. I’d fallen asleep after taking my medicine and now I was dreaming or slipping into a nightmare. I shook my head, daring not to take my eyes from her.

She smirks and any conviction I had to dreaming was wiped away when she spoke. I couldn’t make up the sound of a voice so gentle and so terrible. “So she sent you. Tiny little thing, there hardly seems to room in you at all for a few pints.”

There was something underneath her voice that sounded different to anything I’d ever heard. It made her sound clearer.

“I have to go.” I whisper taking another step backward.

I didn’t see her move but suddenly she was closer and I could see she wore a white dress. It was pretty and there were purple flowers on it. She tilts her head to the side watching me closely and if it weren’t   for her eyes I’d believe she were an angel.

“No darling, you don’t.” she says softly. “You see unfortunately for you, you were the messenger and I do tend to kill those. And I can see too you are rather pretty underneath all that dirt.” Her lips lift slowly in what I would guess was supposed to be smile but all I could see were the pointed fangs.

She was exactly like the mistress but yet she wasn’t. Her eyes were different in colour but they also were different in how they watched me, with hunger.  But coldness and danger radiated from her like it did the Mistress, who I always thought could be made from marble rather than bone.  It made sense that this was her guest. They were equally beautiful and infinitely terrible. I just always thought the Mistress would be the one to kill me.

Odd, how I wasn’t as scared by this as I should be.

“What are you?” I whisper.

“Merciful.” She says simply. Her lips curl back and she lunges at me.

There is no collision but I get the sensation of falling through air and then the forest floor is at my back and she’s above me. Her hands pressed just under my shoulders. With the moonlight behind her she doesn’t look real at all and I could easily pretend I were dreaming and I could wake.

“You’d be glorious awakened.” She whispers. One hand sliding up to my neck and the tips of the other sliding downward over my shirt, when they reach the each of my bandages she frowns.

I’m too distracted to explain the bandages because I’m thinking about death and I it will hurt. So many times I wanted to die but now I wasn’t so sure. If I had kept walking could I have found more or something better? Something like where my mother came from. I knew the world was bigger than what I’d seen but I couldn’t picture it and it made me sad. I wanted to picture it. But more than anything I wanted to picture it with the one person I knew who’s seen it. My mother.

My mother.

I could not die and leave her.

The terrible angel says something but I don’t hear it. I feel the hard shape of something in my hand and without thinking I drive the knife into her side.  It doesn’t go in like I imagine it would, not like cutting into butter but something tougher. She screeches, like metal scraping metal and rolls off me.  I scramble backward.

She’s sprung a good distance away and is sitting in a crouch. She touches the spreading dark against the white of her dress and then her eyes flick back to me, no mercy promised this time.  Her lips curl back and a growl slips between her teeth.

A black shape collides with her and sends them both rolling across the ground. The darker shape separates off with a smooth roll and comes up into a crouch.   The woman is less graceful in coming to a stop, her hands dig into the earth to bring her to a stop so she looks like an animal. Her white dress is now torn and filthy with dirt and blood.  Her red gaze is locked on the dark shape and without pause she spring toward it. It dodges elegantly and they begin moving around each other in a strange motion. It was like they knew which way the other would move and moved themselves to avoid them. A bizarre dance where you never touched your partner.

Paralysed I watch from the ground.

There’s a silver flash between them and the women screeches, making me hunch closer to the floor. I wanted to borrow into it and hide. The dance gets faster and fiercer until the silver strikes out and makes contact, burying itself into the sheath that is her chest.  She goes utterly still and I expect her to scream but her eyes go blank. The shadow yanks out the silver pole as the angel crumples to the ground.

It had all taken less than minute.

My gaze moves from her body to her killer. It towered above me and now her, dressed in black like it wore the night the way she seemed to have worn the moon.  Its back is too me and I know in the back of my mind that is another person or monster pretending to be one like she had been. I know because it was hand that had driven the pole into her.

It begins to turn toward me and that’s when I push myself off the ground and run downhill.

I run like I’ve never run before, as if I had electricity in my veins. The steep hill makes it easier, as if it were pushing me.  I know the thing is chasing me even though I can’t hear it. I feel the ghost of its fingers reaching out to me and sharply I turn right. It was harder for Eddie to catch me when I ran between the trees in the orchard, never in a straight line. I do that now.  I tear through the undergrowth, twigs snapping and my breathing breaking up the quiet. I cannot hear the thing chasing and I begin to wonder if it stopped.

Something crashes into my right arm and I scream.  Pain flares and vibrates through my bones as we hit the ground with a horrible thud. The wind goes out of my lungs and I try to crawl away but two hands clamp down under my wrists and pin them to either side of my head.

“Stop.”  The word carries weight for being so alone.

 With my eyes close I beg that it’ll be fast, that a pole driving into my chest through my heart won’t hurt so much and that I’ll die quickly.

_I’m sorry Mom, I tried._

“I am not going to hurt you.”

The thing was a good liar or something in me just wanted to believe it because I began to consider looking up. The voice was not soft or gentle but it was hard and I wanted believe that it was sincerity that made it strong. But this was something that had murdered in front of my eyes, just like Eddie had been.

 More pain doesn’t come and I could only guess it wanted to see me scared, well I wouldn’t give it the satisfaction. I force my eyes open ready to meet death in the eyes.  Instead my entire being is stilled. Stilled in a way that I stop being afraid or I forget that I am, that the trees could be burning all around me and I wouldn’t notice.

Above me is poised a person. Their hair hangs between us in a short curtain, so I have to look between the dark frame. I see skin a little lighter than my own, dark eyes that are steady and calm above defined cheekbones in a composed face. A man’s face and one that doesn’t propel me into dread but keeps me anchored in this place where terror is paused. 

“What are you?” I breathe.

“My name is Dimitri Belikov and I am not going to hurt you.”


	4. Show your hand.

Moonlight was so much prettier than daylight. Moonlight was soft, gentle and yet held hands with the secretive night that hid terrible things, like evil angels. Lying here I could see past him to the moon. She was watching us boldly from her perch far above the trees. I wondered what else hid from her light in the darkness and whether she chose to hide it.

I wished she’d hidden me.

I knew this was bad. A voice in the back of my head had begun shouting but it sounded far away.  I was being pressed to the ground beneath another body but I didn’t feel scared. I don’t know why. Had I just accepted that I were going to die and anything before that wasn’t terrible?  I don’t know. I just couldn’t seem to think properly.  My thoughts were rocking back and forth and I couldn’t get a firm footing.  If it weren’t for him so motionless above me I’d think I was still rolling down the hill.

I look at him, expecting there to be a monster in his place or to see the silver stick, ready to be driven it into my chest. Instead his expression is stoic, his dark eyes trained on my face.  A hot prickle runs over my skin as I stare back. I felt he could see through me, like I was turned inside out.

Behind his head the stars swam.

“I’m going to let you up. It would be smart not to run.” He says quietly.  There was something different about his voice and it brought me back to my own head.  Was there a purr within his words or had I just imagined it? A crease forms between his eyebrows. “Did you hear me?”

I exhale and feel the outline of his body above me. The voice in my head isn’t so far away anymore. I take a breath and nod.

A long time ago when a Guardian had taunted a boy with chocolate and the orchard leaves were turning orange, the boy had fought back. One thing I’d seen him do was aim a punch between the Guardian’s thighs and it had worked…just not for long enough.  There was no time to think of something else because he nodded and had started to lean back. In a crouch his hands move from my shoulders to my wrists. It’s strange how aware I am of his touch but it’s most likely because of what I’m about to do and how his touch could respond mercilessly to it. His fingers curl around my wrists and pull me up.  I use the power behind his lift as leverage and bring my knee up.  It doesn’t hit its target exactly but he makes a noise like he’s choked on his own breath.

His grip slackens and I tear free from him.

I make it past two trees before his arms circle around me and pin my own to my body.  I kick out at him, trying to connect to the original target. I need to hurt him before he hurts me.

“Will you just stop?” He says, his voice stretches but doesn’t leave the confines of calmness. It makes me even more panicked.  I kick off a tree and he stumbles backwards. “If I wanted to cause you harm I would have done so already so could you save us both-“

I’ve wriggled an arm free and thrown my fist behind me, at the same time I’m still kicking out. Wherever I hit him was hard, like a cheek bone and with the blow and my squirming he loses his footing and sends us both to the ground.  I roll away as he says a string of harsh sounding words that are completely unfamiliar.  I’ve barely gotten onto my knees before a hand comes down between my shoulder blades and pins me to the earth.

The smell of dirt and grass fills my nose.  The energy that had been coursing through my blood dulls and I try to squash the panic and think around it but it’s no use. I couldn’t win and all I had to protect me were baggy slacks, held tight to my hips by a frayed cord. It was no protection at all.

I’m rolled over onto my back, two hands firmly planted onto my shoulders. His chest is rising and falling and I try to decide if begging will make a difference.  Would it be better if he knocked me out?

No, no I need to face it but I couldn’t make myself look at him.

“Why are you fighting me?” He asks and the lack of anger in his voice is making my stomach knot. What did he want me to say? Did he want me to beg?  I wouldn’t beg. I wouldn’t give him anything, not when he was going take from me.  My fingers search the twigs and needles for a stone. I meet his gaze and try to hide everything I was feeling. I search within myself for the numbness.

He takes a deep breath. Holding my gaze he says slowly. “I am not going to hurt you.”

“I don’t believe you.” I whisper.

“As a Guardian I am sworn protect those who need protecting.”

The word Guardian makes me go still under his hands. I notice then the black clothes he wore and remember the way he’d moved gracefully and lethally. I should have known.

 I should have run faster.

He’d seen me hurt her guest.

 I’d fought back.

_Oh no no no no no no no._

His eyes sweep over my face and I feel myself start to shake under his grip.

“I am not a Guardian of the Ozera family.” He says clearly. “I know that’s from where you’ve came but they are not my charge. I swear it.” I was having trouble breathing but I cling to his words like they could hold me steady.  His fingers curl around my shoulders and pull me up into a sitting position.

 He keeps one hand rested there while he leans back, giving me some room.

Now that I wasn’t imprisoned between him and the ground I gain some control.  I peek up at him and his expression is still the same, steady with curious eyes.  He could not be a Guardian.

“You have nothing to fear from me.”

“Guardian and fear aren’t two separate things.” 

“I just saved your life.”  He says flatly and his gaze was unwavering. I glimpse a resemblance to the Guardians then, the confidence in his eyes that warranted no argument.  “And If I wanted to hurt you I would have by now. You have given me reason to. Now you can get up and walk or I will throw you over my shoulder but either way you are coming with me.”

He removes his hand from my shoulder and stands. I have to crane my head back to look at him. He holds a hand out to me and after a few moments I get up without taking it. He doesn’t rebuke me. Instead he gives me one last hard look and starts down the rest of the hill.

“I would stay close, there could be more out there.” He calls back and with a jolt I remember the red eyed angel.  I scurry down after him and linger just a little behind.

 He moves silently across the ground. Twigs snap under my feet and with each crack I expect him to rebuke me for disturbing the quiet.

I kept waiting to fall into a trap. Surely there had to be one. He was toying with me in ways that Guardians liked to toy with us.

After a while of walking I began paying attention to my body. My bones were getting heavier with each step and under the bandages my arm has begun to sting. I try to block it out and focus on him and where he was leading us.

 I recognised nothing we passed, everything looked the same.

Could this be a dream?

Another branch snaps under my foot. I feel the rough touch of the undergrowth as it pushes up through a hole in my shoes. This time the wood snapping under me sounded louder and I glance up nervously to find he is watching me.  He’s further ahead than I realised, half of him concealed in shadow like he could sink into the night. The terror didn’t rise up in me but just jittered around my heart.

“Can you walk faster? We have wasted too much time already.” His voice was smooth and blank. I tried to figure out if he was angry or getting impatient but he gave nothing away but his words. Even his face was like a clean surface. 

He raises an eyebrow. 

I drop my eyes to the ground and walk.  I should not be looking at him, it was disobedient, it was challenging, and it broke the rules. I peek up after a couple of minutes, telling myself it was necessary to make sure I was still following him because he moved soundlessly.

He was tall, much taller than any other Guardian or Moroi I’d ever seen.  Walking beside him I reached just above his elbow. He held himself like a Guardian but yet at the same time he didn’t. He had the presence of holding attention but he didn’t force it around like the other Guardians I knew did. They walked in a way that threw hostility and power outward, daring you to challenge them whereas this Guardian had that presence contained. I’d seen move as a lethal shadow with the gracefulness of air and with unyielding skill that allowed him to kill that thing. But now he walked silently and steady, all that power contained.

  That seemed even more dangerous.

How could be a Guardian? But what else could he be? The weight in my bones travels to my head.

“Usually when people stare at you they want to ask a question.”  His voice breaks the silence and I jump.  He doesn’t look back but he’s paused, his head tilts to the right ever so slightly like he’s listening to something. I can’t hear anything.

The stinging in my arm starts to heat.

I swallow. “What was that … thing back there. That woman?”

He glances over his shoulder and I freeze. “Strigoi.”

His answer washes over me in a wave of surprise.

 “Didn’t you already guess?” He didn’t sound like he was mocking me. 

“I didn’t know they looked like that.”

“Chalk white skin, red eyes, hostile, blood thirsty, cunning and strong. They can be past Moroi, Dhampir or human.” His tone reminds me of my mother’s when she told me what I had to do every morning. How important it was I listened. I feel his eyes on me as I look at his shoulder and I nod.

“This way.” He says and turns to my left.

I follow, trying to store away what he’s told me about these things I’d only heard of in whispers and had unknowingly sought out.  “You stabbed her.”

“I pierced her heart with a silver stake. The only means of killing strigoi unless you can set them on fire or behead them. You should know this.”

“Well I don’t.”   I mutter and glance nervously ahead at him.

He doesn’t turn around. “I know but you should.”

I wonder what he means but I don’t ask and we keep walking. A cold sweat has broken out on my forehead and from time to time the trees tilt to the side. Each time I shake my head to clear my vision.  My arm is burning and I pray it doesn’t get any worse until I get back to my mother.

Was I going back to my mother?  I try not to trip over more bracken or my own feet.

When he was speaking to me it was easier forget that my body was working against me.  With a voice in my head telling me not to I ask him another question. “Who’s Guardian are you?”

My voice was so quiet I think he might not have heard me. This was probably a good thing, a lucky thing.

“Prince Victor Dashkov.” He replies after a moment.

Prince was something I’d heard thrown around but I didn’t know what it meant to Moroi. To my dictionary it meant to be son of a ruling king but I’d never heard of a king. My mother didn’t like when I asked these sorts of questions. She said it didn’t matter.

“So why were you in the woods?” I ask, ignoring all my instincts that are telling me to shut up.

“I was tracking you.”

 I trip over my own feet and land hard on my knees. He’s kneeling beside me before I can blink, one hand held in the air between us. I shy away from it and it drops. “Are you alright?”

I nod and the forest turns on its side.

“When she knocked you down did you hit your head?”   It was the first time he sounded like the Guardian’s I was used to.

“No.”  I answer. The forest seems to be slipping away but the firmness of his voice was keeping me tied to it.

“How many fingers am I holding up?”

That wasn’t fair. I couldn’t see properly.

He snaps them in front of my face and his hand swims into focus.

“What’s your name?”  

I hesitate. Not because I can’t remember but because unlike yesterday I don’t mind saying it, or giving away the only thing I had. “Rose.”

His eyes are like the colour of black coffee but they had none of the bitterness.  His hand catches my eye, next to my left arm his fingers curl and uncurl like they were distracting themselves from not touching me.  I try to sit up straighter.

“Does your head hurt Rose?”

“My arm hurts.” I mumble.  My eyes fluttering closed.

“Can I look?”

Nobody ever asked.  A guardian never asked. Maybe I did hit my head. I nod trying to concentrate on breathing in and out.

_It was only pain. It was only pain._

Delicately he pulls up my sleeve and I twitch.  He never directly touches my skin and I’m glad. When he’s pulled it past the bandage he pauses before asking. “What happened?”

“She hates us.”  My voice sounds like it’s about to fall asleep.

“Can you walk?” His voice is sharper than before and my eyes snap open. I try to get up but my leg gives out from under me. His hands are back on my shoulders. He was going to lose his temper, he was a Guardian and he was telling me to walk so I had to walk.

“I can, I swear.”  I try again and the same thing happens.

_I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body._

“Alright, it’s alright. Just calm down.”

He moves a hand from my shoulder and captures my shaking one.  My mind is too jumbled to process the full weight of what he’s doing but my heart stutters but then he’s pressing my hand against his chest. “Do you feel my heart beat? Feel how steady it is Rose, focus on it.”

There was warmth under my palm and my thoughts began to spin. I was touching someone else; my hand was on a Guardian. It was wrong and it broke rules and I couldn’t-

“Look at me.”  Without thinking I do and my tumbling thoughts find solid ground. His eyes were steady and like the wooden floor of the library, sturdy and reliable under my feet. “Just breathe.”

 I tried to stop thinking outside of breathing, to stop feeding the anxiety that was eating away at me and just to focus on what he’d told me. Most of me was able to but a smaller part was caught in a storm of questions and instincts.

His eyes don’t waver and the confusion threatened to overwhelm me so I shut my own.

It felt like he could see through me, it felt like his gaze dared me to try to see through him and that was insane.  I concentrate on the regular thump beneath the softness of his shirt. It was like experiencing touch for the first time and I guessed it only felt like that because of how wrong it all was. You are always more aware of your voice when you tell a lie or admit the truth and of your hand when it touches something it shouldn’t. 

Slowly my heart stops banging in my chest and the noise in my head quietens down. All that’s left is the soft rustling of leaves and gentle rise and fall of his chest under my hand.

“Better?” He asks.  I open my eyes and the forest is still around me. I nod dropping my gaze back to the ground. “Can you stand?”

I do and his hands hovering close as if to catch me if I fell.

“When we get back we’ll have the wound properly seen too.”

I bite my lip and look up. “Dimitri.”  There’s no big change in his features, nothing that gives him away but I get the sense he’s surprised. “You said that was your name.”

Every muscle in my body tenses as he looks down at me, his expression unreadable.

“It is.” He says and then he turns away. “Come on.”

I stand for a moment in surprise, just long enough to breathe it in and then I amble after him.  I can tell he’s holding back from going faster and I do my best to keep up with his slower pace but my body would not cooperate.

He doesn’t say anything about it.

He was strange, this Guardian. Everything about this night was strange and half of it didn’t seem real. But what shouldn’t have been real I knew was, he had told me his name. Well he had told me twice but the second time gave him the opportunity to take it back, to tell me to address him as Guardian – well I couldn’t remember his second name, his formal identity, the one that gave him rank. 

He’d given me his name and besides my mother I’d never been given one before to keep. And what was even weirder was that I had told him mine without feeling like I was losing something.  When the other Guardian, Alto, had asked for it, it was because it was another way of having power and it was the only power I held.  The thought of my name leaving his lips made my skin crawl.

‘Rosemarie’ belonged to my mother and ‘Rose’ belonged to me. 

I’m so distracted I nearly walk into him. I hastily step away and my thoughts become weighed down again with reality. I notice ahead that the gaps in the trees seem lighter and I realize we’re back at the treeline. He’d lead us back to the house.

_I was tracking you_

“Before we go into the Manor there are some things I need you to tell me.” He says quietly.

I nod at the ground.

“Look at me.”

I drag my gaze upward and his expression is not unkind but still serious.  “I need you to tell me the truth, I’ll know if you lying so it would be easier to tell me as honestly as you can.”

I hold the weight of his gaze and then I nod.

He immediately asks. “You didn’t know you were going to meet strigoi tonight?”

I shake my head.

“You were told to pass along the message from your mistress that the meeting was cancelled?”

I hesitate and then nod.

“Why did you hesitate?”

My heart jumps into my throat. “She said to say that things have changed.”

“Why did she send you?”

“I don’t know.”

“Did she give you a knife?”

“No.”

“Who did?”

“My mother.”

“Why?”

I look away.

“Rose, why did your mother give you a knife?”

My voice is barely above a whisper. “I think because she thought the Mistress was going to hurt me again.”

My hands have begun to shake.

“Okay.” He says gently. I beat down the fear clawing up my stomach. I’d told a Guardian my mother wanted me to harm her.

He speaks again, warding off the panic. “Before tonight have there been any mysterious guests in the manor, any strange behaviour?”

“I don’t know. I’m always outside except for yesterday when I had to take my mother’s place.”

“What does your mother do? “

“Cooks and then serves their dinner in the dining room.”

“And you had to do this yesterday correct?”

“Yes.”

“And Christian came home yesterday?”

I try to hide my surprise that he used the young master’s name. Again I nod. His eyes get even more intense and he asks quietly. “Rose, what did they talk about?”

I realize then that what he’d been asking wasn’t just putting myself and my mother into jeopardy but the Mistress too. What other reasons would a Guardian need to know these things if not to be collecting facts? As long as I’d watched them that is what I’d learned they did before taking action.

I tell him what I can remember, pieces of things I didn’t understand but had stuck to my memory. I recall the name of a family and of the woman, Tasha, they’d talked about. I thought I caught something flicker across his face at the mention of her but I could have imagined it. My nerves were winding tight and I was trying to remember things past the voice in my head telling me to shut up.

I tell him that they had talked about protection and not wanting the Young Master to return to the academy. About choosing the winning side, Strigoi and bargaining. I tell him about how they said a guest was coming the next day to explain to the Young Master more. Dimitri’s face had seemed to harden over and it made me forget to draw breath so I finish in a gasp.

“To confirm.” He begins. His voice is quiet and as tight as wire. “The conversation you overheard was between Moira, Lucas and Christian Ozera?”

It was strange to hear my master’s names so bare. I nod.

“Rose, I need you to trust me.”

“Why should I?” It’s out of my mouth before I can think.

“I protect those who need protecting.” He responds immediately, his dark eyes looking through me. “You have my protection.”

“From what?”

His jaw tightens and the look in his eyes makes me want to shrink into myself.

“You’re Masters.”

Before that can sink in he’s moving again, this time his movements are more precise and I realise he’s being extra cautious as he approaches the treeline. I follow, trying to move as quietly as I would through the house.  It’s a lot harder when my legs are heavier than they have ever been, more so than the day I started in the field, but I manage to be only a whisper across the ground which would be impressive if it wasn’t compared to his ghostlike steps.

He presses up to a tree that has the yard beyond it. I stay a few trees back wondering why he was being so careful. He was a Guardian, why was he sneaking around? What was he looking for and why did I need protecting? What –

“Rose, stay close to me.” I straighten up from where I’d been sagging against a tree and take the remaining few steps over to him. He casts a sidelong look down at me. “At all times, understand?”

Not really. “Yes.”

He nods. “Come on.”

I briefly panic that he’s going to break into a run but he starts forward in a brisk walk, striding out of the cover of the forest and its darkness. I scurry after him and have to half jog just to match him. It wasn’t much of a shock now that he could catch me when I running flat out when I had to nearly run to keep up with his power walk.

As we hurry along I notice the gap between the trees and the fence is bigger than I thought. Again I wait for something to alert me to the presence of the wards. I even look around as if they’ll materialize out of hiding but again nothing happens. We reach the fence that runs the perimeter of the field and that’s when I realise something that makes anxiety bloom in my stomach.

I’m about to alert Dimitri when we pass a crumpled figure on the ground.  I stop, unable to believe what I’m seeing.

I look up and Dimitri is standing a few feet away watching me and patiently waiting even though his body is angled toward the manor.

“He’s alive.” He says.

I look back down at Guardian Alto. He was on his side and there was a stream of dried blood from his mouth down to his chin. Even though is eyes were shut I waited for them to snap open and pierce me but he remained still and unaware.  “How do you know?”

“Because I was the one who incapacitated him.”

I savour seeing him so vulnerable and unaware, that it was I towering over him this once and not the other way around.

“Good.” I say flatly and move away.

Dimitri’s watching me carefully and the old fears instantly prickle my skin.

“He went down pretty hard.” He says blandly and then starts walking away. “If that helps.”

It did. A strange sensation passed over me and my lips quirked up.

 I stop smiling as we passed another fallen body and then another. “How many did you hurt?”

“Only those who were patrolling this side.”

“Why?”

“I couldn’t have anyone tracking me when I was tracking you or reporting back that I was following you.”

“Why?”

The ground changes from grass to the crunch of gravel and I realise he was heading toward the kitchen door.

“You’ll soon find out.” 

He stops as he reaches the step and turns to me as I come up behind him. His height startles me again and I have to lean back to look up at him.

“How well do you know around the manor?”

Anxiety coils tighter in my stomach. “I only know the bottom floor. I don’t know where everything is.”

“Do you know where they most likely to gather when they have visitors?”

I nod.

“Can you lead me there?”

I nod again.

“Stay close.” He orders climbing the step and opening the door before I can ask more questions.  I hesitate then follow, figuring it was safer to just to what he said than not.

The lights are off in the kitchen but it’s not a problem for our eyes. Seeing the kitchen asleep was like seeing a different room completely, it was so peaceful.

Dimitri takes the stairs up to the main door in two strides and looks once over his shoulder to check I’m following before pushing it open. With it being the only door obviously connected to the main house he didn’t need me to direct him but once we were in the hallway he pauses and looks at me expectantly.  It was a different kind of dark and quiet in here than it had been outside. I was really aware of the small distance between us.  Guardian Alto lying on the ground flashes in my mind and I begin leading him down the hall. When it opens up into the foyer I glance over at the dining room. Everything slumbering and immaculate, no trace of the other night and a shiver passes down my spine.  Dimitri makes an impatient noise and I quickly cross over to the other door.

We were halfway down the next hall when the floor squeaked beneath me and I froze.

I look down in horror.

“Rose?” he whispers.

I’d worn my shoes inside the house.

_Oh no no no no no no._

Fingertips lightly touch my shoulder and I flinch away. I think I see the end of something flitting across his face but I couldn’t even think about it because I had to go back.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t wear shoes in here.”

He looks to the ground and then back at me raising an eyebrow. My heart was hammering in my chest. I turn to go back when he seizes my forearm. Not enough to hurt but to restrain me and I let out a small yelp. He loosens his grip but doesn’t let go, his mouth pressed into a hard line.

I start shaking my head not knowing if I should start saying sorry or to try to run or to-

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not.”  I say desperately, looking up at him I had to make him understand. “She’ll kill me.”

His expression slackens but his eyes hold steady. After a moment he says.  “Remember what I told you.”

I think back to what he’d said and try to hold on to it. Everything inside me was telling me to go back and I try to centre myself in the middle of the conflict. I take a breath, realizing that it doesn’t really matter what I thought because I had to do what he said.

He was Guardian and I was nothing.

I nod at the floor and he drops his hand. Without looking up I start down the hall with is light steps shadowing me. 

/

I lead him into the centre of the house, where the darkness is left behind to soft lights that glow.  I try to believe that none of this is real.  It couldn’t be real and every time I started to let it sink it pressed again my chest trying to crush my ribs. My footsteps have become clumsier and I was too tired to worry as much as I should have.

We step into the illuminated south foyer and I look up at the ceiling, which was mostly made of glass.  The moon was framed in the centre, a perfect and remote slivery orb. I wished more than ever that I was with her. Standing here was the closest I’d come to being peaceful in the past couple of days and I just want close my eyes and savour it. A movement out of peripheral sends any relaxing vibes running into the shadows.

I swallow. “It’s just through there.” I motion at the door across the room.  If I had any hope about being able to leave and retreat back to the barn, to my mother who would be able to explain tonight to me, it was squashed as his hand lightly touched my back urging me forward. 

I suddenly don’t feel so tired. Suddenly I’m aware of every rule I’ve broken today. Everything I’ve done and wrong. What if this Guardian, Dimitri, was tricking me and it was a test? But it didn’t make sense –

Raised voices bring me up short and his hand presses against my lower back, making me jump.  He doesn’t spare me a look but closes the remaining distance to the door with his shoulders set back. Without knocking he swings the door open and walks into the room, me rushing up behind to remain in his shadow.

“I have to say, I do like how you’ve kept an Estonian air of the place whilst keeping up with modern day décor.”  Someone was saying casually.

Dimitri doesn’t stray far from the doorway, keeping away from the heart of this huge room where it occupants are gathered. Peeking out from behind his elbow I spot Master Ozera straight away, sitting in an arm chair that neighboured a crackling fire in the grand fireplace.  He was sitting so close to the fire that I worried about the leather burning and wondered how he didn’t find it uncomfortable.  The mistress hovered on his other side and my blood turned cold at the sight of her. Her dark hair was pulled away from her face into a neat knot and it only made her face look even more severe to me. I knew she was pretty but it was all clouded by the hard set of mouth and flinty eyes.

 On the leather sofa sat a man with hair as black as coal. He was leaning back with one leg crossed over the other and looking completely at ease compared to my masters.  Positioned behind him was a Guardian with blonde hair that was standing straight up like he’d ran his fingers through it and it had stuck. That wasn’t all that was unusual about him, what was unusual was he was wearing half a smile and showing obvious attention to his superiors.  I’d always known Guardian’s to stand like a part of the furniture when in the presence of their Masters but this one wasn’t. I would have remembered someone like him, with his strange hair and smirk that made me think he was laughing at something.  Beside him stood another man, with more composed expression and with a normal hairstyle.

They all looked up as we came in and I shrank closer to Dimitri’s back. When the mistress looked across the room I was surprised her eyes were blue instead of red.

“Ah.” The older man smiled. “Dimitri, there you are.”

“Will you tell us what exactly you think you’re doing Victor?” Mistress Ozera demands. She looks away from Dimitri to the man on the sofa.  With a jolt of realisation I remember Dimitri saying his charge was Victor Dashkov.

Mr Dashkov leans forward, ignoring her completely. He eyes Dimitri expectantly. “What news?”

“Your worst suspicion was true. There was strigoi in the forest nearby and I believe it had intentions to make its way here.”  Dimitri speaks formally, in a way that shows respect but unlike other Guardians he didn’t speak stiffly to his superior.

This was all so confusing.

“Oh dear.”  Mr Dashkov says simply after a moment’s silence.  He turns to Master and Mistress Ozera.  His face has gone blank but the Mistress looks enraged. “What do you make of that Lucas, Moira?”

“Of a strigoi in the woods near a moroi household and royal one at that, well I find it concerning but its motivation clear.” Mistress Ozera says back, her voice like burning ice.

“Ah well true, it doesn’t take much to guess why a strigoi would be lurking close to a royal blood source.” Mr Dashkov says agreeably but then his brow furrows. “But what I meant was and what concerns me is, could there be a different explanation?”  
  
“Like what?” Master Ozera says, sitting up straighter. His eyes are hard but there’s something about him that makes me think he’s nervous. It was so unlikely but the tells were there, in the way his hands were curled so they wouldn’t shake, that it was will that made him challenge Mr Dashkov’s gaze and not pure anger. I knew these things, I lived my life trying to cover the tells.  “Victor, you have arrived unannounced to our home, refusing to give us a straight answer as to why and now one of your Guardian’s has burst into the room talking about your ‘suspicions’.  I think it’s about time _you_ offer an explanation.”

“And I will.” Mr Dashkov says earnestly, looking almost hurt. “Let us just hear more from Dimitri first. “About the Strigoi, how did you come across it and then learn that it intended to come here? I doubt it offered you such information willingly.”

 Behind him his blonde Guardian’s smirk deepens. Master Ozera’s face is blank and Mistress Ozera is casting a glare that could melt glass. I’m grateful that Dimitri is so tall and has such presence that I’ve gone unnoticed.

“You’d doubt correctly.” Dimitri responds flatly. “I was tracking a girl I’d seen flee into the woods. I thought it odd she was going outside the ward boundaries in the middle of the night without any protection. I followed and watched as she came into contact with the strigoi. She delivered a message from Moira Ozera that plans had changed and when she attempted to leave the strigoi naturally attacked and I intervened. It made reference to having preyed before on messengers but from the same correspondent I can’t say. Upon questioning the girl I learned she’d overheard a conversation between the Ozeras yesterday night with their son in which they discouraged he return to school and that there were deals to be made with Strigoi.”

Seconds drag out in which the only noise is the crackling of the fire.

“Now what plans could you have possible made with a strigoi, Moira?” Mr Dashkov asks softly.

That’s when a few things click into place in my head, things that had been blurred and now come into focus.  One was that Mr Dashkov was playing a game, one that Guardian’s liked to play when any of us were unfortunate enough to catch their eye and they toyed with you until they won. The second was that my mother was right, Mistress Ozera had planned to hurt me again. She’d wanted the strigoi to kill me.

The storm of nerves and fear settle down in my bones.  I almost reach out a hand to steady myself which would mean touching Dimitri. I take a deep breath and the flame I thought had been extinguished flickers to life.

She’d tried to kill me.

She’d sent other messengers who were most likely dead.

There was a noise somewhere between the start of a laugh and cough.  “Well obviously to get our nails done.” Mistress Ozera says sweetly and then her voice snaps in half. “How dare you parade yourself in here and have your Guardian try to put a vicious lie into place!”

“It was hardly a parade, there was no glitter.” The blonde guardian says.

Whatever else was about to pour out of the mistress’s mouth doesn’t. She stares at the guardian, her mouth agape.

“Not now Spiridon.” Mr Dashkov murmurs. 

“There has been no respect shown!” Mistress Ozera shouts, snapping out of her stupor. “You allow your Dhampir to speak to me like that? You are less than guests in our home, the nerve of it-”

The blonde Guardian looks more amused than ever.

“Insolent half breeds that we are supposed to be gratuitous of-”

“Moira.” Master Ozera’s whips out and cuts her voice off

“By what inclination does my Guardian have to lie about such things?” Mr Dashkov asks.

“By what indeed.” Master Ozera replies from between his teeth.

“Consorting with strigoi is unnatural and a vile violation of our way of life.” Mr Dashkov declares. He shakes his head like he is greatly confused by the idea. I knew the only person in the room that was confused was me. “Why would I want to disgrace a royal name, a noble line of blood in such a way? Why would anybody?” He pauses looking from Mistress Ozera’s livid face to Master Ozera’s contained one. He turns back to Dimitri with a sigh. “I don’t suppose the girl survived? Or you have any evidence to prove you are not the liar you are being accused of. The fact I now you’re not doesn’t help move things along here.”

Dimitri looks over his shoulder and I clutch to the fire in my chest and step out from behind him. Out of all the things I expected, yelling, punishment, pain, the one thing I didn’t was the shock on Master Ozera’s face.

He turns to his wife, whose flesh looked ready to melt off her body. “You sent her?”

Mistress Ozera’s nostrils flare and then she draws herself up straighter.  “And like a cockroach she just won’t die.”

She crosses the room, passing Mr Dashkov and his Guardians. They are all staring at me and the blonde Guardian is no longer smiling.

“Are we clarifying that Dimitri is not a liar then?”  Mr Dashkov asks. He drags his eyes back to Master Ozera who was looking down, his chest rising and falling.

Mistress Ozera opens large mahogany cabinet beside a heavily curtained window. There’s the sound of clinking and a cork being pulled free of a bottle.

 “I’ll say we have.” Mr Dashkov says.

The blonde guardian hasn’t stopped watching me. “What age are you?”

I frown, remembering how the Young Master had asked me the same thing. Mr Dashkov looks back to us.

The blonde Guardian unfolds his arms. “Or don’t you know?”

Mistress Ozera snorts, crossing back to the seated party and sitting down delicately in the other armchair. “Most likely.”

“I’m seventeen.”

She chokes on the sip she’d just taken and her head snaps up to look at me, like everyone else in the room is. I take a step closer to Dimitri. My answer seems to not only have angered the mistress (which I had to admit was the reason I’d spoke in the first place, the stupid part of me had taken hold and made me want to fight back. It was the part of myself I hated the most because I knew it would get me killed. But then again, she’d tried to kill me anyway) but the blonde Guardian was now looking at me as if I’d thrown up on myself.

“You should be in school.” He says outraged.

Mr Dashkov is shaking his head and his voice has lost all friendliness. “What exactly have you two been doing?”

“Is this the high and mighty part of your show, Victor?” Mistress Ozera says and takes a huge drink from her glass. Her husband clasps his hands together and leans back in his chair.

“She is the same age as Natalie, as Christian, she should be training at-“

“Do not put that thing on the same level as my son. As your daughter! Do you have no honour?

“DO YOU?” Mrs Dashkov roars.

 My heart beat was in my ears and it was only when a hand touched my shoulder I realised I was pressed up against Dimitri’s side. I step back, putting space between us whilst angling myself behind his arm.

Mr Dashkov takes a breath that shudders with anger. “I know you keep Dhampir slaves but I never thought you kept children.”

“Child or not, Dhampirs have one purpose.”  Mistress Ozera replies unashamedly.

“And many skills, I for one can cut out a tongue in one swipe.”  The blonde Guardian snarls as he leans over Mr Dashkov’s chair.

I thought Mr Dashkov’s outburst was surprising but this truly made me think I’d hit my head.  If it weren’t for Master and Mistress Ozera’s mirroring expressions of astonishment I would believe I’d slipped into a nightmare.

“Spiridon.” Mr Dashkov warns.

“If you can’t control your Guardians perhaps you should muzzle them.” Master Ozera says after a moment.

“Excessive expenditure to revoke the freedom of speech is not a something I find necessary, unlike yourselves. I consider my Guardian’s input important but I imagine excessive amounts are the only way you hold your Guardians employment.”

 “I’m growing bored of this.” Mistress Ozera declares, relining back and cradling her wine glass to her chest. “What is it you travelled all this way here for Victor? To criticize our lifestyle?  Well if I do recall correctly there is no law against how I choose to govern my Dhampirs. Actually I think there is hardly any law at all.” She lets out a cold laugh that sends chills down my spine. “What is it your calling yourselves now? The Collation? Bunch of fools.”

“Of course you’d think less of those who are trying to restore some order to our world.” Mr Dashkov replies calmly.

“Our world is falling apart.”  Master Ozera exclaims. “The monarchy fell near twenty years ago, the Royals have been scrabbling ever since and the strigoi have used our weakness as time to organise. Is ridiculing our lifestyle your way of trying to exercise some authority as a politician? Because I have to say victor, you have no audience.”

“Have you been slapping the Zeklo and the Ivashkov family’s wrists too?” Mistress Ozera smiles over the rim of her glass.

“Dhampir slavery is a shameful liberty. You take people designed to be warriors and make them slaves. People who should have choices in whether they willingly fight for you  which in most cases they will  be willing because it is a calling in their blood and yet you chain them up like dogs to tend to your land.”

“Well, we have more than enough Guardians and I do like to have my roses in excellent condition.” Mistress Ozera says with a smile.

Mr Dashkov sighs. “Dhampir slavery is not something I think I can change singlehandedly. It is not why I am here.”

“Oh yes your ‘suspicions’” Master Ozera says, seemingly clear of nerves now and comfortable in his oversized chair. “In which your only support would be your Guardian and a little girl who would have every reason to lie.”

I am not a little girl.

“I thought we’d moved past speculation and confirmed you are consorting with the enemy?” Mr Dashkov says.

Silence stretches out in which Master Ozera and Mr Dashkov stare each other down. I glance down to see Dimitri’s hand in a fist.

“You have no proof.” Mistress Ozera says silkily. “And if you did what is it you’d blackmail from us? What could we possible give you?”

“Blackmail is such an ugly word.” Mr Dashkov says. “But I suppose now yes, I should get straight to business.”

Mistress Ozera laughs again.

“I do wonder how you plan to negotiate with us when you hold no cards.” Master Ozera muses.

After a beat Mr Dashkov says. “I have an informant.”   

“And who would such an informant be?” Master Ozera asks.

Mr Dashkov smiles. “Why, Your sister Natasha.”

The confidence falls off Master Ozera’s face.

“Yes, you see Natasha contacted me a little while ago. Quite a visionary your sister, such great ideas she has but she’d grown worried about her family. Hearing whispers of secret trips to isolated areas of Romania. Her nephew asking her odd questions about things his parents had said.  If I am not mistaken, Donovan was last heard of in Iasi, a city in which you visited last month Lucas.”

“Natasha is a naive little girl who wants to save the world.” Mistress Ozera declares, snapping forward in her chair. Master Ozera has turned grey.  “She is hippie who wants to unite Moroi under ridiculous ideas of fighting alongside their Dhampirs. We have Dhampirs so we do not have to fight! Lower the Guardian age, make them breed to make up their numbers and let them do what they were created for.”

“You would send a sixteen year old out to face Strigoi? A child younger than your own.” 

This voice grabs everybody’s attention. Mistress Ozera’s face conveys that Dimitri was someone she’d been completely unaware of, as if he’d appeared out of thin air. Or maybe she looked unnerved by the rage smouldering under his words. It would be a change for her I suppose to be on the receiving end of fire.

I’d been so caught up in the room that I’d been able to ignore my own body but now I could feel the cold sweat between my shoulders and even worse, I was well aware of the pain in my arm. It was melting downward into my bones.

My head swims and I shake it, bringing the room back into focus.

Mistress Ozera sets her chin and stares at Dimitri across the room. “Like I said before, child or not they have one purpose.” Her eyes fall past him to me. “So I would gladly do it.”

Even if the pain ate away at my basic functions, like being able to stand, I doubted I would fall because the look she gave me pierces right through my chest and holds me.

Dimitri moves to the left severing her look by concealing me behind him and air comes back into my lungs.

“So I learned earlier.” Dimitri responds quietly. “And I feel I should inform you Royal blood or not, I am not tolerant of tyrants or child abusers. Threaten the girl again and I will _gladly_ break your neck.”

A silence fills the room in screaming volume.

“You dare threaten me.” She whispers and although I couldn’t see her I curl into myself.

“I don’t think you’ve quite gotten the point of this visit.” Someone says and mockery was dripping from their voice, the blonde Guardian. “That is what we are here to do. I think you’d prefer to take the word blackmail now huh?”

“Victor.” The Master’s voice is a hollow question.

“Here are my terms.” Mr Dashkov says flatly. “You will start attending meetings, you will come to court and you will show me support.  Alexander Voda is awaiting a phone call that confirms I have managed to persuade Prince Ozera to be a part of politics again and to give him chair on the council.  However if I have not been able to do this then one can only imagine it was because I arrived to their manor house to find it entertaining strigoi as their guests. Oh I’d be most shaken to have seen Moira Ozera as a Strigoi’s bloodwhore and begging to be awakened.  How it almost killed me to give the order to burn the whole place to the ground, saving a strigoi corpse to take as proof and a handful of Dhampir slaves we managed to rescue.  And to what if the community finds this unbelievable?  I do not think your sister would hold well under questioning, not when she’s bowed down by grief and the guilt of her harboured suspicions.”

I lean around Dimitri’s side until I see Mr Dashkov.  He was leaning forward, his hands clasped between his knees and he was smiling.

“If I dare say so, I think my cards are promising.”


	5. Survival.

“Victor you can’t be serious.”

“Unfortunately I always am these days.”

“But I hold no weight in politics! Some of the Royals I have not seen in years, why would they listen to me?”

“Your name holds itself in its own right. I am not asking for to do much more than nod your head when I speak, you can teach a psi hound to do as much.”

A loud clinking noise makes me look away from the back of Dimitri’s ribbed shirt. The mistress is back over at the cabinet and she has chosen a bigger wine glass. She’s been silent ever since Mr Dashkov declared his terms, letting the Master do all the talking. She passes the blonde guardian, who could chew on his own smirk, without looking at him or his charge and hands a tumbler of amber liquid to her husband. The difference in the sizes of their glasses looks ridiculous.

“You want a puppet in your corner.”  Master Ozera smiles but it’s without mirth. He takes a huge drink from his glass.

“Puppet, ally, I don’t care for labels just cooperation. Do I have yours?”

“You have not left us much of a choice. Agree or be terrorised and disgrace my own sister. I never imagined you to be so cold, politics has changed you.”

“She deserves disgrace.” Mistress Ozera says and at a noise of protest she persists in her empty tone. “She has betrayed us Lucas! Her own family and she is stupid enough to believe she has done so in everyone’s best interests. Not even realising she is a tool to someone else’s cause.  The senseless twit, I told you not to tell her anything-“

“She is my sister!”

“And I’ve always pitied the fact.” She snaps. “Let her be disgraced and humiliated, she is the one that has to live with it. I do not care.”

“And what of Christian?” Mr Dashkov asks mildly.

“You will stay away from him.”

“I cannot in good conscious do that when God knows what horror you plan to bring on the boy.”

“Don’t make the mistake of underestimating the lengths we will go to for him” Master Ozera growls and I wish I could detach myself from the room, disappear into myself or be told to leave. The room felt like it was winding tighter until there would be a break.

“I don’t, in fact I’m relying on it. Moira dear, I ought to tell you that you’re pressing that distress button in vain. Your Guardians are not coming.”

“And if any do they will be easily dispatched.” The blonde Guardian says and Mr Dashkov gives him a side long glance that clearly demands silence. The Guardian doesn’t seem to pay it attention.

“How long have you been planning this exactly?” Master Ozera demands as he pulls himself out of his chair.

Dimitri’s body seems to have become even more rigid and somehow the blond guardian has moved to stand beside Mr Dashkov instead of behind.

“A day or so.” Mr Dashkov says still appearing calm.

“Where are they?” Mistress Ozera demands. “What the hell have you done with them?”

“I haven’t done anything to them. Lucas met me at the door and I have been with you ever since. Dimitri however has been here a lot longer than you’re aware of. I think you’ll find that fault lies with your own Guardians. Rather worrying considering their number isn’t it?”

“Quarter of St. Vladimir’s guard.” The other Guardian behind Mr Dashkov speaks for the first time. 

“You have killed twenty seven of our Guardians?” Mistress Ozera sounds as if she’s holding herself back from screaming.  I count twenty rib linings across Dimitri’s back.

“Incapacitated fifteen and distracted seven to nine with your psi hounds.” Dimitri corrects. “The others are unaccounted for.”

“One is unconscious in a storage cupboard or so Ben tells me.” The blonde guardian grins turning to his colleague, who remains impassive. “He had an eventful trip to the bathroom.”

“You’ve rendered us defenceless!” Mistress Ozera shrieks and I jump closer to Dimitri’s back, so much so that I can feel the warmth of his body and the faint smell of washing powder and something else. I sway thinking of the freshly washed sheets my mother would take off the line, warm from the sun and smelling so clean I just want to bury my face in them and sleep.

“That’s rather dramatic and in light of everything I think we have actually done you a favour.” Mr Dashkov’s voice floats around my head and I blink my eyes open.

“You’re a fool!” Mr Ozera yells. “You’re clinging to the old ways by the tips of your fingers. The old ways are gone and soon everything we know will be gone too. The wise thing would be to get ahead, to place ourselves in the positions with real power. You don’t know the things we do Victor, what we have learned…”

“A cause is not lost as long as there is someone willing to fight for it.” Mr Dashkov says firmly. “And no matter how bad things get I will never go begging our enemies. You think they’ll spare you? They will use you until you no longer useful and that includes being a blood supply. How do you possibly see this ending well for you? You think they will annihilate the rest of us and leave your family standing as the last Moroi Royals? No, because you will be a threat and a useless commodity of what they are trying to achieve, control. Control over the major cities for blood sources and then they will fight among each other until everything is in ashes. If we want a future our children can survive in we have to fight for it.”

“And what will you do to us when our uses run out?” Mistress Ozera’s asks over her wine glass.

Mr Dashkov looks offended. “Do to you? Why nothing.  You’re free to live your lives and in due course you will see that tonight was your saving grace.”

“Free?” Master Ozera snarls.

The mistress shakes her head and takes another gulp.

“When you’ve seen sense freedom will follow.  You are too isolated out here, like you said you have not spoken to some of the royal for years. Things are not as dire and hopeless as you believe, which you will learn at Court Lucas.”

“And how often will these meetings be?” Master Ozera asks quietly, anger still strong in his voice.

“I will call and you will come.” Mr Dashkov answers simply. “You may be gone for weeks, feel free to stay behind Moira…someone must look after your home. Unless you decide to move permanently that is.”

I expected to see cracks in the glass she was clutching or for it to explode in shards.

“Now, forgive me but I simply can’t take your word you’ll do as I ask, I will be taking precautions. In theory what is to stop you contacting more strigoi or reporting to them the goings on at court, helping them coordinate their attacks. No, no, I can’t risk it you understand. Your phones will be tapped, you will be watched and I’ll be taking the witness with me.”

In unison the party’s heads turn toward Dimitri their eyes falling past his arm to where I hid behind him. I felt the Masters and Mistress gaze press down upon me and it was becoming too much to bear.  I shrink closer to him, almost aligned with his body, more afraid of their stares than what he’d think or do about the proximity.

“Maybe there is something good to come of this then” Mistress Ozera sneers, her voice sliding under my skin like a splinter.

“She needs medical attention.” Dimitri says clearly. “She has second degree burns on her upper arm.”

“How unfortunate.”

“Shut up Moira.” Master Ozera barks.

 I cannot see anyone bar Mr Dashkov and his guardians from my hiding place but I can guess that her lack of response means her expression is speaking louder.

“We will arrange for someone to meet us when they plane lands, you’ll have to do your best for now.” Mr Dashkov tells Dimitri in his mild voice.  Dimitri looks once over his shoulder and I drop my eyes the black material clinging to his back.

“What do you mean we will be watched?” Master Ozera demands.

Mr Dashkov stands and his Guardians flank him. “I have contacts at the Guardian headquarters of this state, they have been notified that some of your employees have… well they need reassigned. Expect the head of their Guard and your new Guardians at dawn. Fifteen of yours will be sent where they are needed.”

Master Ozera makes a spluttering sound. “Your reassigning… you think… who the hell do you think you are!”

“Someone with a flush.”  Mr Dashkov says with a gentle smile. “Sorry bad joke.”

“You do not have the authority. You are bluffing.” Mistress Ozera growls.

“I am not and this isn’t about authority. It’s about favours and who you know. You’ll come to understand that at court Lucas. Now if you would be so kind to show us to your Guards control room and let Ben do what he needs to. Dimitri perhaps you should wait in the – step out of way and let me see her again.”

Fear locks my bones in place as Dimitri moves aside and I am exposed.

“No, no that won’t do.” Mr Dashkov says softly. “She needs cleaned up and some fresh clothes.”

“Empty hopes.” Mistress Ozera says and the lull was back in her voice, dragging her words out and curling them in strange ways. “She doesn’t understand the concept of either. Dirty rat.”

“Then you’ll provide them.” Mr Dashkov fires back.

I glance up from the floor and see the Mistress was still reclined in her chair despite everyone else standing. At his words her glass stilled at the edge of her lips and her eyes narrowed.

“I beg your pardon?”

“A shower and some garments you won’t miss. I’m sure you have plenty.”

She begins laughing and it made my mind reel backwards so it was thrown off balance. My head swims and a hand takes my left arm holding me steady. Blearily I look up at Dimitri who’s frowning down at me like I have done something wrong.

“Sir.” Dimitri says looking away and exchanging a brief look with his boss. 

Mr Dashkov turns back to the Mistress who has stopped laughing and was draining the last of her glass. Master Ozera was watching me with a troubled look on his face I immediately drop my eyes to the floor.

“Show them upstairs. That is not request.” Mr Dashkov says and his voice is no longer mild.

“I will do no such thing. Take her for what she is. She is not touching any of my personal possessions!”

“Moira.”

“No Lucas! I said no!”

Mr Dashkov sighs heavily.

“I’ll show them up stairs.” A quiet voice says from behind us.

“Christian, go back to your room.” Master Ozera snaps.

I look over my shoulder and in my blurry vision I see the outline of what had to be the young master in the doorway. “I’ll show you, come on.”

“DON’T YOU DARE!” Mistress Ozera screams and my knees buckle under it. I fall against something warm and sturdy, a strong bind around my waist holding me to it.

“You are determined to make this more difficult.” Mr Dashkov yells from above or from far away.

“I will not have it touching my things, inside my room. I won’t have it! Not when I know where you sneak off to!”

“Moira you are being ridiculous!” Master Ozera yells. “Christian this does not concern you. Go back to your room. I will show them upstairs.”

“I have to live with it every day. Not knowing if that half breed is your bastard and now you want to dress it up in my things!”

I blink trying to bring the room back. I had to be awake, I couldn’t be unaware, anything could happen and I wouldn’t know.  That smell was back and it was much closer, warmth pressed up against my back and I almost choke. Dimitri was holding me to him.

I try to put my weight back onto my feet but I couldn’t find them.

“I have heard everything!” Someone yells, clicking the room into focus.  The young master is standing close and his face is flushed with anger.

“Things you do not understand boy!” Master Ozera roars.

Mr Dashkov had his hand folded in front of him and was murmuring to the dark haired Guardian.

“I understand enough and I’m glad they’re here. I’m lucky to have one sane member in this family and I am sickened to call you my parents.” The young master drags in a breath.

“Christian.” The Mistress whispers.

His head snaps in our direction and he looks above my head. His blue eyes pulsing with emotions I couldn’t identify. “Come on.”

He marches away to the door that is turning on its side.

“Can you walk?” A soft voice at my ear makes me flinch. At least I think I flinch.

I don’t even try. “No.”

“Don’t be afraid.” And the ground disappears. The room swings an odd direction and I am floating, balanced between both his arms.  The warmth and smell of washed cloth is around me. I slip into the dark.

/

There is a softness pressed against me, under me but it’s cool. There’s no warmth, there’s no smell and I can’t find my way out of the dark.

“Rose I need you to wake up.” My eyes crack open and I’m met with a level gaze looking down at me. “I need you to sit up and drink this.”

“Dimitri?”

He nods impassively.

I look around and it does nothing to help the confusion.  I was in the biggest room I’d ever seen. Far above me glittered a huge cluster of crystals that through light out around a room that was coloured bright and darker gold. My fingertips curled against the softness beneath me and I looked down to see I was lying on a very big cushion, or so the material and shape made it look. A bed. I was on a very big bed.

There was so much of it I wasn’t even near the centre and Dimitri was sitting on my other side with enough space between us.

“You passed out. I need you to drink this.”

This time there was impatience laced under his tone despite its calmness.

I try to sit up.

“May I?” he asks and I glance at the hand he’s offering. I swallow and nod. Quickly his hand slips under my neck and before I can think about how it felt he was pulling me up into a sitting position. In his other hand was a tall glass filled with powdery coloured liquid. He holds it to my lips.

“What is it?” I croak.

“A stimulant. It will give you strength for a bowered time.”

He tilts the glass and I drink.  It tasted like old water and was thicker somehow.  I drink half the glass before he takes it away and puts it on a table beside the bed. He lowers me back to the softness.

The fuzziness is clearing in my head. I no longer feel like the world wants to spin and throw me around like a rag caught in the washing machine.  I open my eyes and find he’s watching me.

“How do you feel?”

“Better.”

He nods. “You can drink the rest after you have some food and water. You’re too dehydrated.”

His words brush over me as I look past him, absorbing the room and all its details. It felt so wrong to be in here, to be lying here… where they slept.

I try to sit up and his hands come down on my shoulders.  “You need to rest for a minute.”

“I don’t want to rest.”

He begins to reply when I lean on my right side and pain explodes through my arm.   The room disappears and I grip the thick blankets under me, trying to anchor myself as the agony washes over.

“Just stay still. I can’t give you anything for the pain without there being something in your stomach.”

I concentrate on breathing. One of the downsides to my mind becoming clearer is now I can acutely feel how irritated my wound is. A trickle of sweat runs over my temple.  Dimitri doesn’t say anything else and I don’t know I this is a good or bad thing. I can’t bring myself to open my eyes.

There’s a shift beside me and I know he’s getting up.

“Is this okay?” A new voice asks and my eyes snap open.  The young master and Dimitri were standing near the door. The young Masters arms were laden with things and he glances past Dimitri to me and I close my eyes.

Dimitri murmurs something to him and after a moment I hear someone leave. This was all too bizarre, this could not be real. My mind was the one that started spinning now instead of the rooms.

“Rose.” He says quietly and I tense up. 

How strange to hear my name. How strange I gave him the only thing I had.

_Strange_

_Strange_

_Strange_

“Rose, wake up.”  I open my eyes and everything is still. Dimitri is knelt by the bedside and in the place he’d been sitting is a plate with a sandwich, a banana and yoghurt. I glance from the food to his expressionless face, the fear creeping up my back.  “You need to eat something.”

The thought made me feel ill. “I don’t want to.”

“You need to.” He says forcefully, reminding me who is in charge. “It will help. Trust me.”

I meet his eyes. He kept saying that, to trust him. Trust him how and with what? Trusting him would be done so blindly…

He takes a deep breath, his eye closing briefly and I knew he was fighting for control.

_Guardian. You do as they say. You always do as they say. Stay out of trouble, keep your head down._

He exhales, opening his eyes and unscrewing the water bottle.  “We don’t have much time Rose. I need you to cooperate.”

I nod because I have to.

“Good.” He says quietly and helps me sit up again. He reaches behind me and props up the pillows. The smell of the warm washing enveloped me again and I was startled to realize it was him. Of course it was him. It wasn’t just washing, he smelt slightly citrusy but more… manlier. He was so close to me. 

I remember how I haven’t washed for days, how oily my hair was and how my scalp felt itchy and bruised in places. I knew I smelt terrible.

He leans away and I’m relieved of the pressure around my chest. I needed to pull it together.

“Drink.” He says handing me the bottle. I expect my arms to fail me but they don’t, they feel slightly too light and I guessed that it was the stimulant starting to work. I take three huge gulps hoping it satisfies him but his remains expressionless.  I screw the cap on and wordlessly he holds out the yoghurt.  “This should be easier.”

I hesitate and then take it and the spoon he’s holding out.  I’m too aware of his eyes as I clumsily pull off the foil lid. This was for me, just for me.  I dip the metal tip of the spoon into the berry coloured cream and scoop it out.  I glance up at him before putting it into my mouth.  The smoothness of it slides against my tongue in a bliss of sweet raspberries.  On the bed Dimitri’s clenched hand relaxes.

The silence becomes more pressure I can’t handle. “Where are you from?”

I hold my breath and stare down at the yoghurt.

“Russia. A very small town in Russia.”

“Russia.” I murmur, taking another spoonful.  I liked how the ‘s’s rolled off my tongue like a whisper.

 My mother had told me she grew up in Scotland and sometimes, mostly when she was angry, her voice would slant on different words. It was like glimpsing a piece of the place she had come from, the past she didn’t want to share. I wondered how far away Scotland was. I knew it was not in America, nor was Russia… I had memorized our states.

“Do you miss it?”

There was a pause in which I glance up worried.

He was looking at me oddly. “Sometimes.”

I wonder what that was like, having somewhere to miss.

His brown eyes were watching me intently like I was something he was trying to read. I drop my gaze back to the yoghurt.

“Is longer hair a Russia …thing? Do many men have longer hair?” I wish I hadn’t spoken. The words had tumbled out of my mouth and lashed back at me to make my cheeks flood with heat.

“No.” He says and something in voice makes me look ups.  He’s watching me oddly again but it’s not an unpleasant look.

“Uh, Dimitri.”

I freeze, a spoonful hovering in the air. Dimitri turns to the Young Master in the doorway and behind him is my mother. She looks so small and ragged next to him and smaller again in this golden room. 

She was also glaring at me.

Dimitri stands. “Hello, you must be Rose’s mother. My name is Dimitri Belikov.”

My mother looks away from me to Dimitri and again I’m struck my how small she is in comparison. Even I felt dwarfed on the bed. 

The hardness doesn’t leave my mother eyes and she swallows. “Yes I am.”

“There is no way to put this other than simply.” Dimitri says gently. “But Rose will be leaving tonight with my charge, Victor Dashkov. She needs to be washed and changed within the next twenty minutes or so.”

His words don’t seem real and I again I can identify with the Young Masters expression. He looks lost but that baffles me further.

“Leaving?” My mother repeats. 

“Yes. She is a witness to Victor’s business and for her own safety she will be leaving with us.”

My mother eyes drop back to me. “I see.”

“Please could you see to it Rose eats what’s been provided. She will need her strength for the journey. I’ll be back momentarily with a first aid kit for her burn, there is medicine on the nightstand.” He says and then glances down at me. “Eat.”

He strides toward them and my mother quickly moves aside, the young master turns to follow Dimitri out when he stalls. “Um, the closets over there and uh, if you need help with the taps or anything I’ll be outside. Use anything you need…” He doesn’t look at either of us and his cheeks are blooming in colour. He takes a breath like he’ll say something else but then snaps it closed and disappears after Dimitri, closing the door over behind him.

“Mom I-“

“You heard him. Twenty minutes.” She says coming over to me. Her shoulders were bent forward and I knew she hated being in here.

“What does he mean I’m leaving? Where? When do I come back?”

“You heard the same thing I did.” She eyes the bed like its garbage in the heat. “Get off of there.”

It’s a struggle but I do and she takes my hand to steady me. The floor is soft and thick and with each step I sink into the carpet.  She leads me over to the high backed armchair by the high arched window that looks out onto the orchard.

“Finish that.” She says tonelessly.  I look down at the forgotten yoghurt in my hand and she retrieves the rest from where Dimitri left it on the pristine white bedside table.

“You should eat some too.”

“You heard the Guardian Rosemary. They expect you to have your strength.”

“You should have half.”

Anger flashes in her hazel eyes. “You will do what you’re told.”

I glare back at her. “I won’t eat it if you don’t. He gave me a drink for strength.”

“Why can’t you just do as asked? You are so stubborn.”

“I can’t eat it all. I’ll be sick.”

She makes an annoyed sound in the back of her throat and looks away. I didn’t want to fight with her, not if I was leaving but I couldn’t be leaving…

“Please Janine.”

She shakes her head and reluctantly she takes up half the sandwich, holding it gingerly like I had when Dimitri had first handed me the yoghurt. I take another mouthful. The sandwich looked to be just plain ham and was had ragged edges where the knife had separated it. Mary couldn’t have made that…

I think of the Young Master coming in with his hands laden with the food.

But he couldn’t have made that. There was no way.

“Eat.” She snaps and I jolt. “We don’t have a lot of time.”

I notice she’s taken a small bite and I scoop up the rest of the yoghurt. Without a word she hand me the other half of the sandwich.

I think this may be the biggest meal we’ve ever shared and we ate in silenced. The texture of the bread and meat together made me close my eyes.  A glob of butter melted over my tongue and mixed with the saltyness of the ham it was amazing.

Too soon it was gone.

I looked at the crumbs stuck my fingers when my mother holds out the fruit. I shake my head and ask for water before she can chide me. She’d finished her half too and like always I wished there were more. Not for me but or her.  My stomach felt slightly too small for me right now.

“Is this the energy drink?” she asks, pointing at the cloudy liquid on the table. I nod and she brings it over.

I take it first and drain the rest of it. I felt more alert than I had in days and things were starting to come back to me, forcing me to make them apart of reality and not something concealed to the back of my mind.

“Janine. Is Master Ozera my father?”

Her head snaps toward me, her eyes hard and searching.

I swallow. “Is he?”

“You know that he’s not.” She says deadly quiet.

“The mistress thinks he is.”

“I was already pregnant when I was brought here. I’ve told you this and I made sure it could never happen again.”

The question was in my throat, squeezing, but I couldn’t make it come out. I knew underneath the harshness of the outside that this upset her.  I couldn’t bring myself to ask her who he was or where he was.

“She tried to kill me.” I say instead.

My mother’s face softens slightly. She puts her hand on top of mine.

“The knife… did you want me to hurt her first?”

“Maybe. Yes. I wanted to go out fighting. I knew you’d want that. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“She sent me to a strigoi. I stabbed it.”

The colour drains from her face and her hand tightens on mine.

“Strigoi?” she echoes.

“You never told me about them.”

“I never wanted you to have need to.” She says and her eyes are far away. She looks how she does when she lies motionless on the ground when the Master comes and my heart clenches.

“Dimitri killed her.”

Her eyes find me again. “Dimitri?” I nod and her jaw tightens, her face hardening over again. The cold seeps through me under her gaze as I realize my mistake.

Her gaze pierces me and she says quietly, “Guardian Belikov, Rosemary.”

I should just nod.

“He’s different. Mr Dashkov’s guardians are different.”

Her fingers clench painfully on my forearm, causing the burn further up to throb. My gasp is lost under her stream of words.

“They are never different! How many times have I told you, have warned you? Do you want to end up like Eddie?”

She may as well have slapped me.

Her grave, lined face dares me to disagree but I can’t.  She was right, she was right and I had been so easily fooled. I’d been so stupid to think being saved from one evil by another meant something good. It didn’t and now I was going to be taken away.

Now I reach for her.  “Mom I can’t leave. Mom I can’t-“

There’s a rapid knock on the door and I turn my face away as Dimitri steps into the room. I would not let them see me upset. I would never let them see me weak.

“Is everything alright?” He asks quietly, sounding like he actually cared. I need to protect myself from these tricks but I didn’t know how.

The mothers hand slackens in its grip but pulls me onto my feet. “Yes Guardian Belikov. She’s eaten what you’ve provided and now I’ll see to it she’s washed and ready to leave as quickly as possible.”

“There was a minor hiccup downstairs.  You have a little more time. I found a medical kit and I would like to asses Rose’s arm, if that’s okay?”

A question that wasn’t really a question. Always orders, always. I had to remember.

I push my feelings off my face and turn around, nodding at the carpet.

“I can do that, don’t trouble yourself.”  My mother says blankly but she positions herself a little more in front of me.

“It’s no trouble.” He says back, closer this time. I hadn’t heard his footsteps at all. “Perhaps you could look in the closet for something for Rose to wear. Practical and comfortable. “

My mother leaves my side and his boots come into view.  The black toes were slightly dusty but compared to my shoes they were pristine. 

How angry the mistress would be that my torn up shoes were on her carpet. It did seem like a terrible misdoing, my sneakers sunk into the thick taupe carpet that I would be grateful to even sleep on.

“Sit down Rose.”

I do as I’m told, keeping my eyes down and mentally apologising to the carpet.

“This may sting a little.” He says.

I let him work away at removing the bandages that look too moist and ratty as they fall to the floor. I try to keep my eyes away from where his knees are embedded into the carpet, next to a green box in which is filled with little packet and bottles, plasters and bandages. I try but I fail.

I flinch as a fierce stinging flares from the burn.

“Sorry. It will help.” He says. 

I keep my jaw clenched but I can’t help the small whimpers that sound from my throat.  A cool hand touches my left one. My mother had come back to my side. She was watching whatever Dimitri doing with narrowed eyes.

“This is the best that can be done until we land, where we’ll have someone properly look at it.” He says.

“A doctor?” My mother asks.

“Better.” He responds and she looks at him as if he were a lying.  It was dangerous to look at them like that.

I feel him winding a new bandage around my arm and he fastens it.  I can’ help but look over at new white cloth and how he was tearing another packet open and pulling out a clear film.

“It’s waterproof.” He says without looking up.

My mother hand squeezes mine, a warning. I look away.

“Thank you Guardian Belikov.” She says

“You’re welcome.” He says and I hear him close the box shut.

My mother pulls me up and leads me to a door to the right. I look up when the ground switches from the taupe to grey, shiny stone and a sharper light ignites around me.  I blink. This whole room was shiny walls and surfaces, a marble counter with a dip in the centre for a sink and a mirror that stretched out to cover the wall above it. Across from me the floor rose up to be tiled steps and I moved closer to see it lead to a deep, long basin. A bath. It was a bath. It looked like a huge sink.

I’m hyper aware of the mirror to my right and it’s coaxing me to look. I’d wanted to see myself hadn’t I? So why didn’t I want to now.  

The door closing behind me makes me jump.

“Get undressed.” My mother says, sliding a lock in to place.

I do as she says and watch as she crosses to the left of the room and slides a glass screen aside that had the texture of crystal ridges.  My mother’s form is blurred behind it. She ducks out quickly as water bursts from above.

“It’s a shower.” She explains as she looks at a silver rack on the wall that held a number of bottles and jars. She picks up two and her hand hesitates in the air, she plucks up another.

“It feels wrong to be in here. They’re her things aren’t they?”

“Yes.” My mother says and then she does something rare. She smiles a little.

Steam was creeping out from behind the glass as I undo the cord on my slacks so they drop to the floor. I step out of them and look down at my chest.

“Um, mother.” She’s taking a folded towel out of a cupboard when she looks over. I stand awkwardly. It was worse in here under the bright lights and wide space. With one hand I motion at the bandages around my chest.

She crosses the room and begins undoing them.

“You’ll have to practice yourself when you’re away.” She says severely. “Understand? Every morning.”

I nod and she snatches the last bind away from my chest.  I cross my arms over it as she explains the order of the bottles I’ve to use first.

“When the conditioner is in your hair wash your body with this.” She holds up the jar. “When you’ve washed it off then wash your hair.”

I nod, the steam tickling my skin with it warmth and making the rest of me cold. She put them inside the screen and then ushers me through the glass and slides it shut.  The tiles under my feet are rougher and I guess it’s so I don’t slip. A big circular silver dish above me is gushing water and cautiously I reach out my hand. The water hits my skin like warm rain drops. I step inside the cylinder of water.

It is incredible. I have to catch my breath as the water cascades all over me like a warm carress. The water runs off my head before seeping in properly and I pull my hair tie out. I’d never bathed like this before with my whole body being attended to by the water. I almost wanted to cry it was so nice.

But I wouldn’t cry.

I run my hands over my face and my hair once, loving how the length of it stuck to my back, before taking up the bottle my mother had given me.  I uncapped the first she’d told me was ‘shampoo’ and pour it into my palm in a thick, silvery pool. It smells amazing, unlike anything I’ve smelt before.  I slap it onto my head before it can drop off my palm. I rub it in until it becomes lather and my eyes flutter shut, scrubbing all the oil away and kneading my scalp. I do that twice like she told me to, grinning the whole time.

Until some of it got into my eyes and I splutter at the stinging sensation. But that didn’t ruin it for me, even the hot throb of my arm couldn’t.

The conditioner stuff was thinner and some of it escaped my palm. I throw it on to my hair and begin working it through the length, amazing when it suddenly becomes smoother, soft like wet silk. I step away from the stream of water as I unscrew the jar. I almost drop it.  The smell of vanilla rises out of the jar and something that reminds me of buttercream.

I couldn’t imagine the Mistress smelling like this at all. I’d remember this smell. If had smelt of this then I wouldn’t be able to deposit some of it into my hand and begin working it over my body.  I couldn’t bring myself to use the sponges or the scrunches. Not when they used them on their bodies.

Some of the lather on my arms turns dark as I scrub off the dirt and sweat of the past couple of days. I even discover some scratches and marks from tonight, signs that it was all real. That and the band on my right arm which the water slides off due to its protective cover. I get the dirt out from under my nails and risk another glob of the body wash to do my legs and my chest.

“Rose.” My mother calls shocking me back into reality. “Are you nearly done?”

“Yes.” I call back and step into the stream fully.

I run my finger through my hair, letting the smooth coating wash off and enjoying the wet silk between my hands. I pull my hair forward so it’s covering both my breasts.  I wish it was so easy to hide them all the time or they weren’t there at all. And the worst part was I didn’t hate them as much as I should do and I didn’t know why. I knew what they put me in danger. I knew what my mother told me about how they drew attention and lured men closer.  I hated that I didn’t hate them.

The glass door slides open and cold air sneaks over my skin.

“Let me feel it’s all washed out.”

I step toward her and she runs her fingers through my hair and over my scalp.

“Get out.” She instructs as soon as she’s done prodding. She picks up the towel and shakes it open.  I step into it.  “Dry off quickly.”

She lifts a small towel and turns me around. She works it through my hair.

The mirror is all steamed up.

It’s like being a child again. Only my childhood never had soft towels…or towels at all.

She drops her towel into a hamper and pulls the hair tie from my wrist. I hadn’t noticed before but I was taller than her.

“Head back.”

She hasn’t braided my hair since I was small either.

When she finished my hair hangs in a thick rope at my back. I notice the folded clothes on top of the toilet seat and a pair of untouched looking white tennis shoes on the floor next to by discarded clothes. 

She pulls the towel away from my body and tells me to put the jeans on. I do and they sit neatly on my hips but there was gap between the button and my tummy. They were also far too long. She drops down and begins rolling them up.  A shiver passes over me when I realise they were the mistress’s clothes.

My mother stands and she has the bandage in her hands. Without being told I lift my arms, not looking at her the whole time as she wraps it around my chest.  When she finishes she hands me the folded dark purple garment that turns out to be a thin sweater.  I pull it on marvelling at the softness against my skin. It just about fit too.

I pull on the socks.

“This feels so strange.” I murmur.

“They told me to make you presentable.” She replies. She’s got a small smile again. “She won’t miss these.”

“You know she will.”

She pauses. “Then I guess I just don’t care.”

She laces up the shoes for me. My toes don’t reach the top but I like how they feel sturdy and the firmness of the soles.

All of this is eclipsed when I realise what it’s all for.

“Mom, what am I going to do?”

She finishes tying my laces and takes a deep breath before looking up at me.  Her hazel eyes are grave and I think this might be the last answer she’ll ever give me.

“Tell me what to do.”

 Like she had earlier she takes my face in her hand and it fills me with dread. 

“Survive.” She whispers.

/

She tidies the towels into a hamper in the corner as I watch the steamed up mirror. I wonder if I should wipe some of it clean to see what colour my eyes were.

There a gentle tap on the door and we both jump.

“Rose.” Dimitri’s, Guardian Belikov’s, voice carries through. “It’s time to go.”

My mother holds my eyes for a moment and I almost ask her to keep the door locked. She looks away and opens it. All the warmth of the bathroom floods out.

Guardian Belikov is standing in the doorway and he looks from my mother to me. I hold his gaze for a second too long before dropping mine to my old clothes on the floor. I can smell them from where I was sitting.

I stand up and follow him out into the bedroom.

“Guardian Belikov.” My mother’s voice stops us both.  She twists her hands in front of her but she pushes her shoulder back as she looks at him. “May I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you train in Russia?”

I almost look at him but I keep my eyes down.

“Yes.”

“Do they still hold… teach the old ways there?”

“I was taught the code of honour and service.”

She takes a deep breath and I see the anxiety in her eyes. “Do you live by it?”

“I do.”

She glances at me.

“No harm will come to your daughter. I promise.”

“A blood promise?” she says quickly, looking back at him anxiously.

There was heavy silence in which I didn’t know where to look. Why was she asking questions, she told me to never ask questions and yet she was almost interrogating him. 

She was doing it for me. 

Risking punishment for me again.

I open my mouth to tell her to stop when Dimitri responds.  “Yes.”

He walks past me and my mother’s eyes widen.  I watch terrified and twitch a step forward when he pulls a deadly looking knife from his belt. The blade glinted at me.  Bewildered I watch as he pulls the blade over his palm and holds it out to my mother who takes it. Her hands are so tiny, she is so tiny but she is looking at him levelly like she matched him in size.

“I seal an oath by blood that I will keep her safe.” Dimitri states in a resolute tone.

My mother nods and their hands break apart, a bloody smear on both.

Dimitri stalks past me and I turn to follow.

“Wait.” My mother squeaks and she reaches behind her head. The gold catches the light as she pulls it free and holds it out to me. “Take this.”

She closes my hand around it. “A piece of me will be with you.”

My throat closes over and I can’t speak. She squeezes my hand once and then lets me go.

“You can come out to the car if you wish to.” Dimitri offers gently.

She doesn’t look away from my face. “No. No I don’t want to.”

Tightness in my chest copies that in my throat.

She drops her gaze.

“Don’t cry,” She murmurs.

I blink rapidly and do the one last thing I can for her. I set my shoulders and turn away, walking toward Dimitri.

I don’t look back.

///

 I follow Dimitri in silence through the house. It’s quiet and we go down corridors I don’t know. I worry he’ll ask me for directions but he never does and I wonder how he knows.

My mother and a horrible feeling in my tummy try to take reign over my mind but I fight it. I can’t find the numbness to pull around myself and I wonder was it because I was leaving the place I had found it in.

I was leaving.

I almost fall as the stairs pop into view at the edge of my feet.  I right myself and don’t look up to see if Dimitri notices and if he did he doesn’t say anything. The stairs lead down to black and white tiles. This hallway was huge and I couldn’t remember it at all. An even bigger chandler hangs from the ceiling. The staircase was twice as wide as any other and on my right side was a hallway but to the left opened up a grand room that had to be the living room. No, I had never been here.

I catch Dimitri’s eye. He’s waiting in the large open doorway watching me patiently. Behind him the stars gleam in the sky. I drop my gaze and move toward him but as I approach the door I realise he hasn’t moved. I make myself look up. 

His eyebrows are furrowed and for the first time tonight he looks concerned. His lips part as if to speak and I immediately question what it is that I have done wrong. 

His gaze flicks behind me and he becomes expressionless.

“Not the way I planned on getting rid of you but it works just the same.” A voice slurs and my body stiffens.

I want to run toward the stars.

“You will face me when I’m speaking to you!”

I half turn toward her but I don’t look up.

She giggles and it crawls over my skin. “Look at you in my clothes. Trying to play dress up … you look ridiculous.”

“Come Rose.” Dimitri murmurs, curling his arm into the air around my shoulders to steer through the door.

“Wait!” she shrieks and I jump. 

Dimitri’s hand presses between my shoulder blades. I look up and his jaw is clenched, his eyes trained on her.

“You have no idea what you and that old man have done. No idea. He’ll pay for this. So will you and that little bitch.”

Dimitri’s face has hardened over and his eyes have narrowed. I wonder if he’d attack her… a little bit of me wants him to.

He inhales deeply. “Goodnight Mrs Ozera. I would advise better treatment of those in your care. Your new guardians will be watching.”

“How dare you threaten me!” she screams.

Dimitri’s hand shoves me forward and I stumble out into the porch. Behind me he’s filling up the doorway with his back to me. Mistress Ozera is screaming about half breeds and moroi importance. I can’t see her but her voice still scrapes against my skin.

When she pauses to draw breath someone else speaks, I recognise as Mr Dashkov.

“Moira you have had far too much to drink. Please step away from Dimitri for your own sake.”

She starts shrieking again and another man’s voice is trying to calm her.  Dimitri steps aside and Mr Dashkov steps onto the porch, the other two guardians behind him.

Up close he looks tired.

“Come dear.” He says and I follow him down the steps.

I peek up at his guardians and back at the house. Dimitri is still in the doorway and beyond him I can see Master Ozera holding onto the Mistress. Some of her hair has come loose and she looks murderous.

I look away before her eyes find me.

The blond guardian opens a door at the front of a big, black car and helps Mr Dashkov step up into it.

“After you.”  A voice says. The dark haired guardian is holding open a door. He smiles slightly. “Do you need help into the jeep?”

I shake my head not sure if that it was the truth. I climb up into it and once I’m seated he closes the door with a soft click.  It was cool inside, the leather under my hands was cold and it was smaller than I thought it would be. The blonde guardian climbs into the driver’s seat beside Mr Dashkov.  I jump as the door to my other side swings open and the guardian who had opened mine climbs in. I think his name was Ben.

The blonde was Spiridon.

But I couldn’t call them that.

 I hear Ben start muttering and I realize he has one of those ear pieces on.  I look out the window at Dimitri on the porch.

“He’s not happy.” Mr Dashkov sighs.

“Since when is Dimitri ever happy?” Spiridon replies. “It actually went better than I thought it would, mores the pity.”

“We still have a lot of work to do.” Mr Dashkov murmurs.

“Gotta move the pawns before you can get to checkmate.”

The car suddenly purrs beneath me and I clutch the seat.

“Who knew we’d get a souvenir out of this.” The blonde says, grabbing my attention. He’s grinning at me over his seat and I sink back against my own.

“Don’t scare her even more. She has been through a great deal tonight.” Mr Dashkov scolds.

He looks over his shoulder with pity on his face. “I’m sure you have a lot of questions dear. I will answer every one of them if you could just be a little more patient, it is a lot to ask I realise.”

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do but thankfully he turns back around.

“What the hell is Belikov doing?” Spiridon asks no one in particular.

Mr Dashkov looks out his window. “I knew he’d struggle with this.”

“Which is why you gave him the option not to come.” Spiridon grumbles back.  “We told the pilot six.”

“Here he comes.” Mr Dashkov says.

A moment later the door beside me opens and I jerk in my seat.

“Move over Rose.” He says sounding strained.

I scramble over to the centre, trying to put as much space between myself and Ben as Dimitri takes the seat on my other side. I wish I was smaller.

“Saying your farewells?” Spiridon asks cheerily.

“Oh do shut up and drive.” Mr Dashkov says.

Dimitri’s face could be made of stone. In the mirror that hangs at the front of the car I see Spiridon grin. He pulls on a stick beside him and the car moves forward.

“Put your seatbelt on.” Dimitri says quietly. At my baffled expression he reaches over me which makes me tense even more. His loose hair tickles my chin and then he pulls a strap across me, clicking it into the seat.

He relaxes back into his seat and I look straight ahead out at the dark, not able to see where Spiridon was driving us but I could feel the house getting further away and with it my mother. It makes me slightly dizzy.

I find it then, nestled deep inside, the numbness.  I pull it around me as we drive unseeingly into the dark.

I had to survive.


	6. Up and away.

The coolness inside the car helps keep the numbness settled on my shoulders. That and how no one speaks. My mother’s necklace is enclosed safely in my fist and the metallic feel of it kept me anchored in my stupor.  I keep my eyes ahead on the front window as the world beyond it becomes more visible. The forest recedes away to the left as the car glides along a dusty path.

The forest disappears completely and the numbness quivers like it may slip.  I had always known the trees but nothing beyond it. Looking out Dimitri’s window the land stretches away and up into rocky slopes.

“Catalina’s foothills.” Dimitri says quietly.

I can’t see where the rocks touch the sky from where I’m sitting. I look ahead again.

“We should be there in twenty, twenty five minutes. Be prepared to take off.” Ben mutters on my other side.

I missed my books. They had always been a link to everything bigger and now I didn’t have them to guide me.  I had skimmed across words such as ‘town’ and ‘city’ and tried to absorb their description but it was hard with no mental image to go with it. They didn’t seem like real things, just useless words on a page. I had tried to picture more houses like the Masters and more people walking around but I couldn’t give the people purpose, I couldn’t hold the image.

It would have been a false image.

The dust path we followed turned to grey with a white line marked in the middle.  Buildings popped up, looking nothing like the manor house at all, then there more all different shapes and sizes.  The numbness slipped off me as we drove into concrete forest.  Buildings and different paths were everywhere, leading in every direction and there were some cars following them. How did anyone know where anything was and what everything meant?

There were huge pictures in windows of men and women. Signs were everywhere with musical symbols and words I couldn’t catch because we drove by too fast and another took my attention.

A red light shines from a metal pole and the car slows in front of it. My mouth drops open as a picture demands my attention outside Ben’s window. A woman was staring at us from the side of a small shelter. She wore a scarlet smile and not much else, just black panties and a matching bra.  I knew what a bra was because my mother had one but hers was grey and the straps withered and frayed. She tied it in a knot at her back, sometime I had to help.

The car turns away and we leave the woman behind, posing for the rest of the world to see.

Who was she? What did her mother think?

 She didn’t seem afraid. Her smile reminded me of Spiridons as my masters fought with Mr Dashkov, confident and somewhat dangerous. A bitter neediness unfurled in my stomach.  It shocks me and I try to stamp it out but the woman’s smile won’t go away. I frown at my lap confused by the sudden surge of emotion.

“Your better taking this left here.” Ben says, bringing me out of wondering.

 He glances at me but my gaze falls past him. One of the buildings was awake.  A room was lit up and past the window I could see a man taking chair of table and turning them right side up. He was all in black but wore a green apron. I look at the blocked green letters above the window and then string them together, a word I don’t know.

“Starbucks.” Ben supplies, having followed what had my attention.

“Oh I’d love one.” Spiridon says.

I didn’t see any stars or bucks. I didn’t see anything that could mean the conjoining of the two.

“What is it?”

 Hearing my own voice surprises me and from the slight widening of Bens eyes I think it surprises him too.  I needed more control.

“Coffee.” Ben answers as the building slides away from the window.

I turn back to my lap more confused than ever.

“It’s just a brand name.” Dimitri explains quietly.

I mull that over and let my gaze travel to his knee. “Like how washing powders can be called different things? Ultratide?”

“Exactly.”

Right.

Starbucks sounded stupid to me.

I work my lips and then force the words out. “Where are all… the people?” I had nearly said others.

“It’s still early. Humans work through the day.”

Humans. Humans…. Dhampirs were half human. We were born from a Moroi and human parent. Dhampirs could get pregnant though, my mother had gotten pregnant, so my father was Moroi I knew. Two Dhampirs couldn’t have children… which my mother said made the Guardians noticing me more dangerous.  I couldn’t have a child if….

I shiver.

“Are you cold?”

In surprise I glance up at Dimitri and then turn away, shaking my head.

He always seemed to be watching.

I look out Ben’s window. The buildings have disappeared and I could see the day being born instead of just feeling it. The sky in the distance was becoming lighter, a bruised blue and I hope maybe I might see a sunrise. 

Ben side-glances me and I’m forced to look down.

The anxiety buzzes over my skin as the minutes tick by, wanting to look but not being able to. I hold my hands tightly in my lap and mentally beg the sun to sleep a little longer.

The car slows to stop and naturally breeze brushes over my face. I don’t look up because I’m being good, I’m being obedient and looking for the sun may wake it.

“Have you got a pass to be using this entrance?” A gruff voice asks. A new voice.

Don’t look up.

“You don’t remember me?” Spiridon replies playfully. There’s a crinkling of paper.

“Go on ahead.”

The car prowls forward and picks up speed.

There’s a monstrous whooshing sound with a cry underneath it and my head snaps up.

A huge metal bird was gliding toward the ground outside Dimitri’s window. Underneath its legs didn’t look big enough to hold it and it was coming in fast and monstrous. The hand not clutching the necklace clings to the leather beneath me as the spindly legs touch the ground and thing bobs a little but glides along the ground, like a bird landing in a run. The car swerves to the right and the bird rolls away behind a huge metal structure.  I’m craning my head around when I see Dimitri’s watching me. I snap my head forward. I can’t believe I’d forgotten myself again but I itched to look out the side windows, I wanted to see everything. I wanted to see how big that building was. I wanted to see where the metal bird went. I glance sideways and catch a glimpse of one streaked with red and then I look down again.

I pinch my thigh.

I shouldn’t look.

Don’t draw attention.

But everything else demanded mine.

I rack my brain trying to pull out words and apply them to what I’d just seen.  It had the similarity to a car, a machine designed to travel but it flew and not many things man built flew.

** Aeroplane ** **:** **A powered flying vehicle with fixed wings and a weight greater than that of the air it displaces.**

 

The car stops and everyone moves, clicking noises and doors opening. A warm breeze coasts through the car. Ben and Dimitri aren’t by my side anymore and Mr Dashkov and Spiridon are standing in front of the car. I scrabble to get out Dimitri’s side when I’m yanked back against the seat. I grab the seat belt but it won’t budge under my hands. It’s become strict and unyielding.

“Let me get it.” Dimitri says, ducking back inside.

Ben’s door shuts.

I press against the seat as the car shrinks again. Another click and the belt slide back across my body.  Dimitri ducks out and after a moment I follow.

The sky was getting lighter and in the distance I could see the peeking rays of gold. I stare completely absorbed for a moment before I realise what’s waiting for us.

 A small black plane that is standing proud with its face to the oncoming dawn.

“It’s a jet.” Dimitri supplies.

“I know.” I say not taking my eyes away from it. We were getting on it, I knew we were getting on it but how did we get on it and then how did it get in the air? And where did we go? How far were we going that a car couldn’t have taken us?

“You do?”

I tear my eyes away from the plane to Dimitri’s curious expression.

What had I said?

He raises an eyebrow. I open and shut my mouth.

“I hope you’re not afraid of heights.” Spiridon calls, grinning. He turn away as a man approaches Ben.

Mr Dashkov steps over to us and I avert my eyes. “If you are dear we can help you be more comfortable.”

I think of the ladders in the library. “I’m not afraid.”

“Well, you’re braver than I. Let’s get on board shall we?” 

Ben hands over a set of keys to the man who’d joined them. He says something that makes Ben and Spiridon laugh before they break away and follow Mr Dashkov to the plane.  I watch how different their walks are, how even in a relaxed walk the Guardian’s shoulders are set and exuding power compared to Mr Dashkov who was strolling with complete ease toward the plane. 

A section of the plane swings open, a door, and under it stairs begin to unfold.

I look up at Dimitri and he looks back at me patiently.  I take a deep breath and walk toward it, trying to look more confident than I felt.  Pretending to be confident fell completely out of my head as soon as I got inside.  I expected seats, I mean, that was obvious but I didn’t expect couches or a bar.  It was all black and grey inside and on either side of where I stood are four seats, two facing two. Beyond them there are couches, a wide TV and a bar. Ben and Spiridon are facing each other on the left and Mr Dashkov sits alone on the right. I’m aware of Dimitri behind me waiting, always waiting.

I sit down opposite Mr Dashkov. If that was the wrong thing to do he doesn’t say. Dimitri sits down beside him.  There was a window between me and Mr Dashkov and I can see the gold and reds stretching across the sky. My heart begins beating a little faster.

A woman appears from the other end of the plane, the front I remembered, dressed in a long blue skirt and crisp white shirt with a high collar. Her hair was pinned up in a neat blonde bun. She was pretty.

 I look down.

“We were worried you weren’t going to make it.” She says in a cheery tone and I sense her pass us.

“Nothing but a minor delay, Rachel.” Mr Dashkov answers.

I hear what I imagine is the planes door being locked into place and suddenly I feel the whole thing begin to move.

“Is there anything I can get you before take-off?”  Rachel asks coming back from the rear of the plane. She must have closed the door.

“No thank you.” Mr Dashkov replies pleasantly.

The orange-gold orb peeks out from the horizon.

“Dimitri?” She asks and I look up. There’s something hopeful in her expression.

“No thank you.” He says tonelessly.

Her smile lessens a bit and then she walks back to the front of the plane.

“Jesus Belikov. Would it kill you to let her down gently?”  Spiridon asks looking thoroughly amused.

Dimitri spares him a glance.  Ben chuckles.

 I don’t understand, not really, I think.

“You could have been a little warmer.” Mr Dashkov says quietly.

“I’d prefer to leave no room to encourage it.” Dimitri responds.

Mr Dashkov turns away from him smiling. He looks out the window and his eyes narrow as a streak of sunlight hits his face. He opens the armrest and flicks a switch and a shutter descends over the window.

I forgot they didn’t like sunlight.  Stupid thing to forget seeing I was always out in the sun and never spent time around them, until recently.

My heart is a deflating balloon as I catch the last glimpse of the top of the blazing nectarine.  I cast my eyes back down to my lap, linking my fingers together.

“Dear, you should lean back in the chair for take-off.” Mr Dashkov says as I feel the plane turn under us.

I change my body to copy his, with my hands clutching each arm rest but I don’t want to close my eyes like he did. I remember that he’s afraid of heights but I wasn’t, I wanted to see how high we were going to go, I wanted to see us leave the ground. I wanted to see us flying.

“Seatbelt.” Dimitri prompts.

I hadn’t noticed they were wearing theirs. Dimitri’s eyes flick to my left shoulder and I find the belt nestled between the two seats. I pull it across my chest just like he had in the car and click it into place beside my thigh.

This one held against me tightly like the cars had when I was fighting with it. Is that normal? Before I can think about it anymore a weight thrusts against me as the plane makes a huge whooshing sort of noise and shudders beneath us. It reminds me of a car suddenly jumping forward but it doesn’t stop, the sensation is drawn out and holding.

Until the weight tilts to be on my shoulders and the weirdest sensation makes my stomach fallout.

I knew we weren’t on the ground anymore.

There was pressure inside my head and I imagine us climbing into the sky, past the clouds, on level with the sun, maybe above it?

I half worry the couches are going to tumble or slide toward us but nothing moves. 

The room begins to level out so Mr Dashkov is not tilted toward me in his seat. After a few minutes there’s a dinging noise.

I swallow and my ears pop.

Simultaneously the others unclick their belts. Ben gets up first and goes toward the TV.

“Well I think I deserve a drink.” Spiridon announces standing up and stretching. “That okay boss?”

“You don’t but it is.” Mr Dashkov responds. “One though.”

Spiridon saunters away as Ben lets out a whoop at the TV.

“How much?” Spiridon asks.

“Hundred bucks.” Ben grins over his shoulder. “Go Tigers.”

“It’s like I have three children instead of one.” Mr Dashkov says looking up at the ceiling.

Spiridon shakes his head and pops a cap off a green bottle.

“Now, I think it’s about we were introduced properly.” Mr Dashkov says, dropping his gaze to me. My stomach clenches. “I am Victor Dashkov, Prince of my Royal Moroi line.”

He eyes me expectantly and beside him Dimitri nods in what I assume is encouragement.

“Rose.”  I say and I feel the ownership of my name slipping away which doesn’t make sense.

“It’s nice to meet you Rose. I’m sorry it has been in such terrible circumstance but we work with what we’re given. Thank you for cooperating in coming with us.”

Why was he thanking me or things I didn’t have a choice in? I nod even though I don’t know what I’m nodding for.

“Dimitri has probably already explained that it was for your own protection and because of what you witnessed in the woods. Of course I have Dimitri’s account but as my Guardian his testimony won’t carry as much weight as I’d need. Yours on the other hand would, especially under compulsion which you haven’t been trained to resist.”

I have a vague understanding of what he’s talking about.

“This might sound crude dear but I think its best I don’t sugar coat it. Under my protection you will have to abide by my rules, as to speak, you must do as I say. Ideally I would enrol you into the Academy near my home but without proper documentation and a form of ID it’s not possible. Also I couldn’t be sure you would deal well with mainstreaming into your peer group, as well as other problems like you have had no education or training of a novice and are not familiar with institutionalization.”

I couldn’t see how that was ideal at all. I had no idea what he was talking about. The only word I could grasp was ‘academy’.

“So I’m left with the only option which is to keep you close. Dhampir slavery is not something I approve of so understand this dear, you are no longer a slave.” He pauses as if that’s supposed to sink in but it just brushes over my head.  His lips purse before he continues.  “But you do not have full freedom yet either which I do believe is best for now. For one you are not familiar with the world and how it works and two you need protected.  You will be staying at my home, you will have your own room and the only option I can think of to benefit us both is that you become my employee. “

He was talking gibberish now.

“An employee to maintain my home doing things such as washing, cleaning and cooking. Basic chores. Nothing too laborious. In return I will give you a wage and I will get you a proper means of Identity. This will take some time as I have exhausted all my resources and need to earn favours. By then I will have convinced Lucas and Moira to see reason or at the very least not to harm you. Then you will be free to leave and live how you wish to.”

My head was spinning again. His words were like creased sheets I just couldn’t iron out.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions.” Mr Dashkov says gently.

I did I just couldn’t get my tongue to spit one out.

“This has to be overwhelming for her.” Dimitri interjects and goes on in a tactful voice, “You are talking about a world she hardly knows and becoming a part of it, on her own.”

I didn’t like people talking about me like I wasn’t there but right now I could hardly mind when I couldn’t speak.

Freedom was such a colossal word with no face or picture to go with it. My life, or slavery as they’d called it, was my mother. It was familiar with its rules and had been all I’d known. I couldn’t see beyond it. It was hard enough taking in I was on an aeroplane that took me higher than trees and probably the clouds.

I take a deep breath.

“Yes, yes, your right. I apologise Rose.” Mr Dashkov says and it goes over my head as well. “I’ll go and see about some supper, we can talk more afterward.”

He gets up and makes his way over to Rachel and Ben.

“You are allowed to ask questions Rose, no matter what they might be.” Dimitri says in a gentle voice.

I thread my fingers tighter together and swallow.

“Where are we going?” I ask quietly.

“Montana.”

I knew that State.  Well, I knew its name.

“The climate will be very different to what you’re used to. Colder.”

“Seriously? You’re talking about the weather?” A voice drawls and I look up from my lap too see Spiridon leaning against the chair he’d occupied earlier.

“Rose asked where we were going.” Dimitri answers and his voice has diluted to plainness. He didn’t like him or didn’t like something about him I could tell. It made me nervous about the guardian with the strange blonde hairstyle. I look back down. 

“And the first thing you tell her is that it’s cold? Well I suppose that’s something that you would find to be a selling point.”

Dimitri stares ahead as if bored or pretending the other man doesn’t exist. I can’t do that, I can’t even mange to keep my eyes downcast and keep darting peeks at both of them.

Spiridon sits down in the seat he’d been leaning against.  “So we call you Rose?”

“That’s what Dimitri said.”

 I don’t know if I’m being brave or stupid but I didn’t like the way he was speaking to me. Not when I’d experienced how the other people on this plane spoke to me as if we were close to being on the same level. Spiridon spoke to me like every guardian ever had. I should probably use it as a reminder, they were far above me.

Spiridon raises an eyebrow. “Dimitri said we call you Rose? Why did he get to name you?”

He was talking to me like I was stupid and the warning I’d been trying to convince myself to abide by evaporates.

“Don’t tease her.” Dimitri says coolly.

Spiridon rolls his eyes. “I’m kidding.” He eyes me as he takes a drink from his bottle. It seems important I hold eye contact.

“Yes, unfortunately he does that a lot.” Mr Dashkov says returning to his seat. Dimitri sits up straighter so Mr Dashkov can manoeuvre his long legs. “Rachel says supper will be ten minutes.”

“Good. I’m _starving_.” Spiridon announces and slouches down in his chair.

Dimitri shoots him a dark look that he doesn’t notice.

“Another thing I think is important I tell you.” Mr Dashkov begins seriously, leaning toward me with his hands clasped. “Is that you can, at any time, tell Spiridon to shut up. Even if he isn’t speaking.”

“Why is everyone a hater?” Spiridon says to the ceiling.

“That sounded scarily like something Natalie would say.” Mr Dashkov frowns.

“Who is someone else you can tell to shut up at any time.” Spiridon says to me.

“Natalie is Victor’s daughter.” Dimitri says quietly and I’m grateful.

“Yes I should warn you about Natalie. Oh no dear, don’t look so alarmed. Natalie is just a little bit of handful, very enthusiastic, but she has a heart of gold.”

“Like a hyper puppy who can talk.” Spiridon adds.

“She is currently on vacation with some family friends. She should be back in a day or so. Maybe later on tonight, I keep forgetting what time it is.”

“I don’t.” Spiridon yawns.

I’m sure if it weren’t for the stimulant Dimitri gave me that I would be a lot more exhausted than I was feeling. Right now my mind was alert and the only thing wearing on me was the pain in my arm. I hadn’t taken the pain killer Dimitri had left on the night stand. I hope my mother had taken the bottle to hide, that way she had two stashed away. I shy away from thoughts of my mother as it brews a dark, sickening feeling in my stomach.

Mr Dashkov sighs. “So much work to do and it’s not the right time for any of it.”

“It can wait until morning.” Dimitri murmurs. “With the exception of the alchemists, did anyone call ahead?”

They both look over at Spiridon.

“No sorry.” He says and looks like he means it. “Moira was raving so much and trying to rouse that guardian that I forgot.”

Dimitri calls over to Ben who shakes his head.

“I’ll try the cabin phone.” Dimitri says and makes his way past Ben to where Rachel emerges with two trays. She smiles at him as they pass each other. It’s impossible to know if he smiled back. I get a little bit uneasy without his presence but as long as I wasn’t left alone with Spiridon I would be fine.

“When we land remind me to text Natalie.” Mr Dashkov tells Spiridon and then looks at me. “When she gets home she’ll be able to shop for you dear, get you the essentials before she goes back to school.”

I didn’t know what the essentials might be and I’m saved from having to ask as Rachel reaches us.

“Carrot and coriander soup with half a chicken and brie sandwich.” She says cheerily as Mr Dashkov presses a button under the shaded window that makes the floor between us rise. I look down at my feet and the part that has comes away leaves a rectangular shape behind, a smooth black dip. I think I expected to see the wheels of the plane or the top of a cloud.

Rachel sets the trays down in front of me and Mr Dashkov on the makeshift table. Spiridon looks longingly at the steaming bowls and it’s the first time I’ve ever that I’d taken precedence over a guardian, over anyone bar my mother. It baffles me a little so I’m left staring anxiously at the tray waiting for someone to take it from me.

“Lovely.” Mr Dashkov murmurs. “Thank you Rachel.”

“What dessert did you get?” Spiridon asks eagerly, craning his neck.

“Milk and white chocolate cheesecake slice.” Mr Dashkov reads aloud and I glance at the triangular piece on my tray, covered in plastic packaging.

Dimitri slides back into the seat beside Mr Dashkov and I hope he’ll tell me what to do.

“Couldn’t get a signal.” He says as Mr Dashkov takes a spoonful. The smell was all around me and I wished the floor had opened up below and that way I could have jumped out.

Rachel comes back with two more trays. Setting one down for Dimitri and other in front of Spiridon who’d erected his own table. Dimitri thanks her and Spiridon immediately bites off half his sandwich.

“They may not even be awake yet. Wait until we land.” Mr Dashkov says and Dimitri nods, picking up his spoon.

“Are you not hungry Rose?” I force myself to look up at Mr Dashkov’s worried expression. “Would you like something else?”

I shake my head.

Dimitri’s gaze adds on to the weight of his charge.

“Eat in your own time then.” Mr Dashkov says gently.

It was all for me. More than I’d eat in a day and it was all for me. My throat becomes very tight. My mom would have nothing until morning and even then it would be next to nothing.

“Wash goin on?” Spiridon asks around his food.

“Nothing at all.” Mr Dashkov replies. “Has Hans emailed yet?”

Dimitri takes out his phone as a rush of cheering sounds from the TV. Ben throws his fist into the air. I pick up my spoon whilst no one notices.

“It’s done.” Dimitri says.

“Any trouble?”

“None that he mentions.”

“I can’t imagine Moira has calmed down.”

“Maybe she passed out?” Spiridon suggests.

I cautiously take a half a spoonful of the thick, orange soup and put it into my mouth.  Flavour blossoms over my tongue in a carrot and spice wave. The hint of herbs and salt are perfectly balanced.

I’m back in Mary’s kitchen and I am very small as my mother blends ingredients together.

“I don’t understand how they consider fighting alongside their guardians degrading but not the possibility of being awakened.” Dimitri’s voice brings me back to the present.

“It’s about power.” Mr Dashkov replies and takes up his sandwich. “They’ve probably been fed propaganda too and isolating themselves out there in the desert doesn’t help keep them grounded. Having Lucas at court will show him sense, I’m sure of it.”

“I hope they aren’t too hard on Tasha.” Dimitri says and emotion almost comes onto his face.

“She’ll be able to handle it. It’s Christian I worry for.”

The soup was a pocket of warmth in my stomach, like I’d eaten sunshine. It would have been blissful if the warmth didn’t mirror the one in my arm, making it harder to ignore.

“They wouldn’t harm him.” Spiridon responds. He tears of the plastic cover of his dessert. “He’s their little prince.”

“It’s what they think is best for him actually concerns me.” Mr Dashkov says.

I tear off a piece of my sandwich; the melted cheese oozes out around the white chicken breast. I dip it into the soup and pop it into my mouth.  It was incredible but my eyes dart to the dessert slice. I didn’t want to fill up on bread.

“I spoke with Christian. He’s going to leave and stay with Tasha until school starts.”  Dimitri voices calmly.

“You think they’ll let him?” Spiridon asks, wiping crumbs from his shirt front. He’d devoured his cake slice in three bites. 

“I think they’ll be so busy adjusting that he’ll be able to get away fine. I told him to ask a new guardian to drive him to the airport. I think he’ll be leaving tomorrow.”

“I’ll ask after him when I speak to Natasha later.” Mr Dashkov says and then sighs. He sets down his spoon.  “I am utterly shattered.”

“We have an hour or so left. You could go lie down.”  Dimitri replies and reaches out for his sandwich. It’s then I remember the gash he’d made in his palm but his outstretched hand is perfectly fine.  The other is beneath the table.  I think back to when he answered the phone and it had been with the hand he’s using now, he was hiding the other, like I was hiding mine with my mother necklace.

“I might take a nap.” Spiridon says, resting his head back and shutting his eyes.

“Everybody finished?” Rachel asks, appearing by Dimitri’s head.

She lifts Spiridon’s tray (he doesn’t stir) and Mr Dashkov’s. I panic she’ll take mine but she leaves it and Dimitri’s alone. He asks for some coffee and she smiles brightly.

“Thank you Rachel.” Mr Dashkov says. “I think I will go and lie down. Excuse me.”

Dimitri stands to let him by and he disappears in the direction we’d come on board.

“There are two cabin beds in the back.” Dimitri explains.

He was always ready to answer the questions poised in my head. I tear off another piece of my sandwich.  Rachel comes back with his coffee and asks him if he needs anything else. The way she was looking at him was strange, almost admiring and eager.  I uncurl my fist and trace the tracks left by the gold chain. Back at the house I’d known how important it was to please but this situation wasn’t stressful or it didn’t seem to be. Maybe it was for her, maybe it was because I was on the other side of the table this time.  However the look on her face made this seem unlikely, she was happy about waiting on us or rather Dimitri. In comparison he looked relaxed and oblivious to her efforts.

What was it he’d said earlier about not encouraging her? Encouraging what? The woman in her black underwear burns bright in my mind.

“Rose?” I jerk up, startled at hearing my name. Dimitri is looking at me. “Do you want anything else? Coffee? water?”

Rachel is still smiling but the smile doesn’t reflect in her eyes as she watches me. I think she’s annoyed.

 I shake my head.

“If you wanted something would you tell me?” Dimitri asks when she’s left.

I think if it were any of the others had asked me this it would have felt like a confrontation but Dimitri exuded a calm curiosity. I was beginning to think this may just be his manor and if more strigoi burst from the other end of the plane I doubted his expression would change. The day I saw him worried would probably be a very bad day.

I nibble on my bread and make myself look at him.  “No.”

“You are allowed to want things now.” He says, his eyes holding mine.

“I know I’m allowed to want things. Everybody wants things. Wanting is just... a bit pointless.” I’m surprised by how much I’ve said and my cheeks heat.

He studies me for a moment and I note again the rich colour of his eyes. “You might not tell me when you want things but you have to tell me when you need them. Okay?”

 I squish the bread into a small ball between my fingertips. “What do you mean?”

He takes a sip of his coffee. “I suppose it will take some time to get used to. You’re not just going to get the bare minimum anymore. You were given even less than that. There’s a lot you’re entitled to as a human being and by dhampir blood. You’re allowed to want things now, to ask for them… that doesn’t mean you’ll get them. But if you want a bottle of water or need another pain killer, things like that, you can always ask. You can ask me anything.”

“I can ask you anything?” I repeat staring at the bread ball.

He hesitates for a moment as if assessing the implications of what he’d stated. “Yes.”

My heart beats faster as my tongue spasms in my mouth, conflicted in trying to shape words. I let out a quiet cough and test him. “Can I try your coffee?”

I don’t look up from the table as my cheeks flame hotter. He slides the thick papered looking cup across the surface.  I’d never had coffee. I reach out and take it, the papers warm and sturdy. By sheer will I make myself take a drink, trying not to crumble under the weight of his gaze.

A bitter taste fills my mouth and I swallow quickly just to get rid of it. My nose wrinkles and I slide the cup back toward him quickly.

“Some people prefer it with milk and sugar.”

My face is still contorted in distaste as I look up at him. His lips are pursed together and there’s something behind his level gaze.

“I don’t want that.” I say thickly. I scoop up some soup that’s almost cold and eat it just to get rid of the taste.

“How’s your arm?”

“Okay.”

My fingers inch toward the cake slice. He hasn’t eaten his either. He hasn’t eaten much of anything.

“How’s your hand?” I dare to return and my voice comes out barely above a whisper.

I knew he’d explain like he had been explaining things all day without having to be asked directly. The ‘blood promise’ he’d made with my mother had been in the back of mind for a number of reasons. It might explain why she’d told me not to trust him but then trusted him with an oath which he’d made in blood. To protect me…did he really mean it or was slicing his hand open a mundane occurrence. He’d kept the promises he’d made so far…

But I’d only known him a couple of hours and I’d known guardians my entire life. He didn’t feel like a guardian though. Spiridon did and to an extent so did Ben but I hadn’t really spent enough time around him. I think I made him nervous...

I’ve slid the cake slice a fraction toward me when he answers.

“Fine. I’ve had worse injuries from a strigoi.”

 I’m about to question what an earth he’s talking about when his expression silences me.  His eyes were trained intensely on me and I knew well enough it meant to be quiet.  It also meant I was pinned under his gaze which made it a little be harder to breathe.

“What? The strigoi landed a blow on you?” Spiridon asks, suddenly coming to life. I flinch back in my seat. He casts me a fleeting glance but his attention is on Dimitri, who takes an undisturbed sip of his disgusting drink.

Spiridon leans across the aisle grinning. “Seriously? Let me see.”

Dimitri holds up the hand that been under the table, looking nonchalantly ahead.

Spiridon raises an eyebrow. “That’s a pretty clean cut.”

“It had use of a knife.”

“Strigoi are bringing knives to the fight now?”  Spiridon says and there’s something lurking under his smirk, a glint in his eye that’s calculating.

The way he was looking to Dimitri, a challenge, made me want to speak up.

But that voice was back, telling me not to.

Dimitri turns his head a fraction and returns the other Guardians stare. “No, it belonged to Rose. She stabbed it.”

Spiridon eyes flick to me in surprise and he leans back slightly. “ _She_ stabbed it?”

I don’t know why but his tone was insulting..

“Who stabbed who?” Ben asks, coming to stand between both men’s seats.

“Belikov says she stabbed the strigoi back at the Ozera’s and then it sliced his hand open with her knife.”

Ben’s eyebrows shoot up and he gives me a look paralleling Spiridon’s.

“Why did you have knife?” Ben asks.

I’m pressed up against my seat, bother hands clinging to it under me. My mother’s necklace is pressed into my palm.  Dimitri isn’t giving me any helpful looks or ones of warnings so I make my dry mouth verbalise the truth.

“My mother gave it to me.”

“Birthday present was it?” Spiridon says. This time the insult is clear and if I had any doubts about it then the glower Dimitri gives his colleague would confirm it. Even Ben stops staring at me to look uncomfortably down at the blonde.

“I’ve never had a birthday present.” My voice comes out cold despite the hot rush in my ears.

Spiridon’s smirk deepens and Ben speaks, his voice treading carefully among the tension.

“Why did you have it?”

My mind spins trying to think of a lie. 

“Rose was injured by Moira the day before last. Her mother gave her means so it never happened again.” Dimitri answers.

“Ha, could you imagine if she had? I wonder what kind of chaos we would have walked into.”  Spiridon muses.

“I just can’t believe you stabbed a strigoi, I mean you’ve had no training whatsoever and even then it’s still difficult.” Ben says but there’s marvel in his voice. The disbelief in his eyes isn’t insulting at all.

“It must have been young.” Spiridon reasons with a shrug. He turns his wicked gaze back on Dimitri.  “I can’t believe it made a _God_ bleed.”

“I never knew you admired me quite so much.” Dimitri says jadedly. “How foolish.”

Spiridon scowls and Ben lips tug upward.  He notices my baffled expression and nods toward Dimitri. “That’s a nickname the kids gave him at the academy where we trained. Only Galina could knock him on his ass.”

Dimitri’s lips twitch a little and he looks up to exchange a look with Ben. He recalls something about ‘Galina’ too quiet for me to hear, some life seeping into his stoic face.  His dark hair falls forward and I find myself looking at how the sharp planes of his cheekbone and the strong curve of his jaw, under that the tan column of his neck.

I catch Spiridon staring at me in the middle of my inspection and quickly look down.  I wish again that the plane’s floor gave way to the clouds but for different reasons, ones I wasn’t quite sure I understood.

“Too bad he’s not around anymore. Being knocked on his ass humbles a man.” Spiridon says.

Ben pauses in whatever he’s saying and casts Spiridon an annoyed look. Dimitri’s face closes over and I find myself irritated by Spiridons bitterness even though I didn’t understand it fully.

“You’d think you’d be more modest then.” Ben says lightly, trying to ease the tension that was pressing up against us all.

Guardians… Guardians were volatile.   Their temperament had to be handled. This is what I knew of them and this is what I feared. Spiridon needed handled right and I could see that the other men knew that. But what happened if they all turned on each other, without anybody to bear all that anger on… what if they turned it on me.

“Don’t worry too much about me.” Dimitri says plainly. “I was knocked ‘on my ass’, as you put it, last night.”

“The strigoi knocked you down?” Spiridon asks, laughter playing into his voice. I squirm in my seat.  Dimitri was the one who’d barrelled into the strigoi last night, sending them rolling, but it was all instigated by him and the fight had been short.

Ben didn’t look too believing either.

Dimitri’s eyes lift from his coffee cup to mine. “No. Rose did.”

Now they were all looking at me.

Spiridon guffaws. “Yeah right.”

Ben even laughs awkwardly, casting me a sympathetic glance.

After a moment in which Dimitri takes another drink and Spiridon’s sniggers have died off, Ben asks. “Are you being serious?”

“Yes.” Dimitri answers simply.

Spiridon and Ben look at each other, then at me. Spiridon opens his mouth, shuts it, and then takes a deep breath and jabs a finger across the aisle at Dimitri. “Did you knock him on his ass?”

I look between them all before nodding.

“Seriously?” Ben asks, leaning down to my level as if he’ll see a hint of a lie on my face.

“Yes.” I try to make my voice as strong as possible. As soon as they believe it the sooner they’ll leave me alone.

Although… a small part of me was enjoying this. The rapt look on their faces as they tried to believe I’d done something they wouldn’t think was possible. That through listening to their conversation it was obvious that Dimitri was not someone easily defeated in combat. Even though all I did was thrash around a bit and I was certain that the roots and terrain took most of the credit for sending us both to the ground… but the under growth could hardly speak up and take the glory. The ground was actually very far away. It would never know.

Spiridon holds up his hands. “You expect me to believe that she stabbed a strigoi, who then wielded a blade against you and then she knocked you over? That little thing right there, who couldn’t be more than 5ft 6 and weigh more than 90 pounds? Her?”

“My name is Rose.” I snap angrily before Dimitri can speak, gaining more astonished expressions. “And yes I did. I punched him in the face.”

Ben cracks first. “Oh my god!” and then he laughs.

“I don’t believe it.” Spiridon says wrinkling his nose.

Dimitri sweeps the hair that had fallen into his face back and turns his face to the other men. Between his temple and his cheekbone is a slightly discoloured patch of skin, a red mark where my knuckles had caught him. My lips part and I take a shallow breath.

I had done that… maybe I couldn’t take credit for knocking him over but I could certainly take it for that. I had marked a guardian.

Ben’s grin gets bigger and Spiridon squints and the small piece of evidence.

“Jesus you are really off your game.” The blonde says. “You’re lucky you weren’t killed or worse.”

“Rose is tougher than she looks.” Dimitri responds, letting his hair fall forward.  He looks at me then the way he had when I’d asked about his hair in the Master’s room, like he was suppressing a smile.

Why would he pleased that I’d hit him though? I could be pleased about it and I was more than relieved there’d been no following punishment or at least there hadn’t been yet.  Maybe that’s why he remained so calm because he was assured he’d have payback later.

A coldness pools in my stomach and I clutch my mother’s necklace, the pendant digging into my palm. She warned me not to trust him, it’s the last advice she’d given me, the last bit of guidance I had.

“I guess she’d have to be.” Ben says smiling and he throws himself into the seat opposite Spiridon. 

“She’d have to be a secret Hulk. I still don’t believe it.” Spiridon mutters.

“You just don’t want to believe Rose achieved what you never could.” Ben replies smugly, earning a glare from the blonde.

“What has Rose achieved?” Mr Dashkov asks, emerging from the back. His grey suit and royal blue shirt looked as immaculate as I he’d been standing the whole time.

“The impossible it seems.” Spiridon says folding his arms.

Mr Dashkov sits down beside me and I shift as far over as possible as Dimitri recalls last night in the woods. Everything was true apart from the bit where the strigoi took the knife out of its side and used it against Dimitri when he attacked.  Mr Dashkov didn’t seem to find the strigoi taking the knife odd as Spiridon had, instead he like Ben was surprised that I’d attacked the pale monster.

“That took a tremendous amount of courage. Impressive.” Mr Dashkov says and I shrug at my knees. The pressure was back, the pressure to do or say what they wanted. I didn’t know how to. “No dear, you should know most Guardians first experience in the field makes them freeze in fear, costing them their lives.  You should be proud of yourself.”

“It was probably an advantage to her though, not knowing what it was and what it was capable of.” Spiridon guesses and I wondered why this was irritating him so much.  I guessed it was because he seemed to like being the centre of attention.

“Perhaps.” Mr Dashkov allows. “What a lovely chain.”

I’d been mindlessly toying with my mother’s gold necklace and it had been soothing me some.

“Where did you get it?” he asks.

I hesitate before answering. I didn’t want him to think I had stolen it. “My mother.”

“May I?”

His hand extends across the space between us. I unwind the chain from my fingers and reluctantly drop it into his palm. I clasp my hands together in my lap.

“The Turkish eye.” He murmurs and I glance over to the golden oval pinched between his thumb and index finger. I hadn’t had the opportunity to examine it yet but now I could see in the gold casing there was background of blue to the black pupil.

“Turkish?” Ben repeats.

“Yes, it’s said to keep away bad spirits and evil.”  Mr Dashkov explains and then holds the necklace back out to me. “It must bring your mother some comfort to have it with you.”

“Why would a slave have something like that?” Spiridon asks and cocks his head.

My blood begins to warm in my veins. “She’s always had it.”

“Did Lucas give it to her?”

It takes me a moment to recall who that is and even though I haven’t been moving everything in me goes utterly still. Dimitri sets his cup down with a thud and his jaw tightens as he glares over at the other man.

“Spiridon.” Mr Dashkov hisses.

“What?” He replies looking affronted. “You heard what Moira said and if she is his bastard then you have more leverage than you thought.”

Ben groans. “You just don’t know when to shut up.”

“ _What?_ ” Spiridon exclaims holding up his hands again.

“My mother had it before she was brought to that place.” I say between my teeth. I couldn’t let them think it was something from him, that she kept and prized a treasure from someone who…who did what he did to her.

And that she would give to me as a sentimental gesture.

Spiridon looks intrigued. “Did she? Where did she come from?”

My mouth hangs open my tongue trying to roll out words that aren’t there. I knew she was born and brought up in Scotland but I got the sense she didn’t stay there. She’d never talked about the before, she never talked about herself at all.

 Spiridon’s face relaxes into an arrogant smile and I want nothing more than to lunge over the table and beat it off.

“I think you should keep you speculations to yourself.” Dimitri says coldly.

Spiridon rolls his eyes and then looks pointedly at Mr Dashkov. “Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it. If she’s the child of Lucas’s whore then-“

My knee bangs loudly and painfully with the table but I don’t care - I don’t even know how I ended up on top of it - all I know is that my blood is burning like the desert sun and that I was going to make him shut up. I was going to wipe that stupid smirk of his face. All my intentions were made impossible because in the same instant other hands were reaching for me and there was yelling.

“Shit!” Ben exclaims.

“Rose.” Mr Dashkov yells.

I had the satisfaction of seeing Spiridon’s smirk disappear and give way to utter shock. I know it was it was the last thing he’d expected and not because he saw me as threat but in that split second I enjoyed it all the same. Until Dimitri plucked me off the table and pulled me into the seat beside him.

“Calm down.” He instructs fiercely, one arm firmly around my waist holding me down. My feet, in the mistress’s too big shoes, were awkwardly on the table. Across from us Mr Dashkov’s face was livid and it brings me back to myself. But he wasn’t looking at me.

He jabs a finger across the aisle. “For once can you keep your mouth shut. You insensitive idiot.”

My chest is raising and falling rapidly, the edges of my chest binding biting into my skin. I take my feet from the table the reality of what had just happened setting in. How stupid was I? Realizing what I’m doing Dimitri removes his arm and I right myself into the seat, turning my body toward the plane’s wall.

“I just said what we were all thinking.” Spiridon’s says and there’s a note of puzzlement under the defensive tone.

Dimitri responds with something too low for me to hear but there’s tenseness in the air that tells me enough.

“My apologies Rose.” Mr Dashkov says in a low voice. I peek up and see he’s leaning across the table with his expression mirroring his words. I drop my eyes to my curled fists in my lap trying to calm this erratic feeling coursing through me.

It ebbs away slowly leaving unstableness behind.

I would not cry.

Instead I focus on the pain throbbing in my arm. It had really flared up and was no longer something I could cope easily with. I must have banged it against Dimitri when he pulled me across the table to prevent me from _trying_ to attack Spiridon.

Was I trying to get myself killed?

“I’m sorry.” It comes out on a small, shaky breath.

“Nobody blames you.” Dimitri says quietly.

His hands are also clenched on the table and I lift my eyes high enough to see the tension in his jaw. The strain around his lips. I drop my gaze.

The plane bounces beneath us and I flinch, reaching for my right arm with my left hand. 

“Did you take the painkillers I left you?”

My heart sinks at the strain in his voice and I shy back against the seat at his side long glare. Maybe it was just his accent and the lowness of his voice that made it sounded harsher, disappointed. I swallow and shake my head. Dimitri closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He exhales and turns away to Mr Dashkov.

“When we land I’ll take Rose to see Darnell. You three should go ahead to the house.”

Mr Dashkov regards him across the table. “Whatever you think is best.”

“Almost time to land.” Rachel’s voice calls out from behind us. “Please fasten your seatbelts and pass me any excess rubbish. Oh, what happened here?”

I realize then the mess I’d created on the table. My over turned bowl and even worse, my smashed cake slice looking grotesque inside the crumpled plastic. My heart sinks even further.  My hand twitches forward and back again because I should clean it up but Rachael is already there and Dimitri is clearing up the scattered remains of our sandwiches and dropping them into her trash bag. He lifts his dessert off the table and puts it safely in his lap as Rachael leaves with the trash and returns with a wet cloth, refusing to let Dimitri clean it up.  She casts him long glances rom under her lashes as she mops at the table and there was something suggestive about the way she held her body.

Uncomfortably I look back down at my lap, curling my mother necklace around my fingers. I undo the fastening and bring it up around my neck and after a few tricky moments - that are made harder by the shaking of my hands - I finally hook the ends together. 

“It looks charming.” Mr Dashkov compliments.

 I try to smile, half to show appreciation and half in apology for the stunt I’d just pulled.

My mother would be so disappointed, that’s if hadn’t passed out from shock. I touch the pendant at the hollow of my throat promising to do better. I’d had to rebuke myself so much in the last couple of hours. I could blame it on fatigue or leaving or being shaken but If I did not get myself under control then I wouldn’t have t rebuke myself at all because likely I would get myself killed.

Rachael giggles, breaking me out of my thoughts. I was pretty sure the entire time she was making a show of cleaning the table she had been the only one speaking so I don’t know why she was laughing.  I couldn’t see Dimitri’s expression and leaning forward would risk seeing Spiridon. 

My control wasn’t strong enough for that.

“Well I better get back before we descend.” She purrs before standing up straight. She touches Dimitri’s shoulder as she passes and behind her I see Ben shaking his head, a small smile touching his lips.

“Seatbelt.” Dimitri says from the corner of his mouth.

“I already have.”

He looks over now, his gaze dropping to the belt over my hips.

“Good.” He says and rests his head back against the chair.

Landing was different to taking off. It was worse because the windows remained closed as time had plunged us deeper into the day which made the sun too uncomfortable or Mr Dashkov to bear. Looking at him I could the dark circles under his eyes and I estimated that with travelling they must have been awake for maybe just under a full day, maybe over. The Guardian’s didn’t look just as tired but I could see in the set of Bens shoulders that weariness was wearing on him.  I could feel the edges of tiredness creeping up on me, the barrier the stimulant was holding up against it was coming down and I knew it wouldn’t be long before my body crashed.

The thought terrified me.

I couldn’t pass out unaware. Nobody to protect me, with people I didn’t know surrounding me… when I didn’t know what they were doing.

These thoughts were pushed out of my mind as the plane tilted slightly back and my heart tried to climb up my throat, beating in frantic pulses. The plane suddenly jerks underneath us and I gasp. I know that the wheels had touched down and I swallow against the panic I had felt hours earlier when I watched the bigger plane land when I’d worried the legs would snap beneath it.  The whooshing fills my ears and I shut my eyes, concentrating on the feel of the plane rolling against the ground like a car would and finally it comes to a stop.

“I’ll collect our belongings and thank the pilot.” Spiridon announces and I make sure to look away as he stands up.

Ben already has an ear piece on and is talking quietly.  Dimitri and Mr Dashkov unbuckle themselves, I do the same.

“Here.” Dimitri says under his breath and passes the cake slice from his lap to mine. My hands clumsily take it and I hold it gingerly, scared I’ll destroy this one too.

I stare down at it completely stunned when sense returns to me. I turn to him about to thank him but he’s already standing, a towering man above. Mr Dashkov heaves himself out of his seat too.

“The cars are parking up.” Ben says, getting to his feet and stretching.

“Does someone have my umbrella?” Mr Dashkov asks, his voice low and heavy.

“Right here.” Spiridon says and passes it over.

Ben disappears into the back and a moment later fresh, cool air blows in around us. The hairs on my arms stand up

“Thank you Rachael. Until next time dear, take care.” Mr Dashkov calls and with a small wave he follows after Ben, Spiridon after him.

“Your coat, Dimitri.”  Rachael says coming to stand beside him in aisle, preventing me from getting up.

“Thank you.”

He takes the large leather bundle folded under over her arms and shakes it out. It was a very long coat and he slips his arms through it. It looked a little strange but it suited him.

“I slipped my number into the pocket.”  She says in a low voice that I supposed was meant to be…compelling? I had an idea of what was happening, a sort of backwards version of what I’d been warned about my whole life.  I felt like I was witnessing something I shouldn’t be and I wished she’d pull him away to do whatever it is she was doing but at the same time I was intrigued and couldn’t look away.

Dimitri pauses and then looks at her with a steady, serious gaze. His voice is gentle but there’s firmness to it. “Rachael, I’m flattered but I am not looking to date right now.”

“Neither am I.” She replies unabashed. She turns away from him smiling, her gaze skimming over me, before walking away to the other end of the plane. There was a way in her stride that accentuated her hips and bottom.

My mother would slap me if I did that. 

I catch Dimitri’s eye and look away. Rachael said she’d left him something in his pocket but she’d also left awkwardness in her wake.

“Come on.” Dimitri says and it sounds so normal that it eases me slightly.

I shimmy out of my seat and follow him, watching his heels kick out beneath the end of his coat. When his boots take a step down on the metal stairs light hits my face and I look up. The first thing I notice is green, so much green. Trees were standing tall and rich with jade leaves then beyond them mountains brushing against a crisp blue sky.

It was hard to imagine, to believe, that we had been up there.

The sun was not a blazing dominant orb in the sky but had tempered to become softer, a cooler version of the one I’d always known. The warmth gently touched my face but despite this I couldn’t help but be cold.

Somehow I felt as if I was seeing for the first time to. Maybe it was because my gaze was bowed down by the heat or blazing light or maybe it was because I was allowed to see and absorb my surroundings without fear of someone noticing me.

I take a deep breath.

“Rose?” Dimitri calls.

I drop my gaze lower to my immediate surroundings. Dimitri is waiting at the bottom of the steps and behind him are two cars. One prowls forward and then drives away. I glimpse Mr Dashkov in the passenger seat and Ben in the one behind him. Spiridon must be driving.

“Unless you want to be standing there when the jet takes off again I suggest you hurry.”

I take the steps down - on the third I’m same height as him – until I reach the tarmac, the ground of my new world.

I follow his boots to the car. He opens the door for me like Ben had but this time to the front seat. This car was just as high as the other and I’m too aware of him as I heave myself up. I didn’t want to struggle, it would be embarrassing.  I remember how Rachael had walked with her sway and I wonder how she would have gotten into the car and if Dimitri would have noticed.

Stricken I shake my head slightly. What did that matter?

Dimitri climbs into the driver’s seat effortlessly. Yeah, sure it was easy with legs as long as his.

I toy with the pendant at my throat.

“I’ve told you before.” He says quietly over the gentle purr of the car coming to life.

“I know. Seatbelt.”

Hastily I pull it around me and click it into place.

“No not that but it’s good you learning.” He says as the car rolls away from the plane. “I meant, if you have a question then ask me.”

I hesitate for a moment, clutching my pendant and then I decide to risk it. “Even if it makes you mad?”

“I don’t very often get mad.” He replies in his calm voice. I realize then that is his natural tone, calmness.

“Spiridon makes you mad.” My heart trips over itself. I must definitely be affected by this day because the filter between thinking and speaking had shorted out like a fuse. Then again maybe it was just out of practice. I needed more discipline.

“I don’t like when people intimate those more vulnerable than them.”

“I’m not vulnerable.” I blurt out.

He doesn’t hesitate. “Yes you are.”

Has he forgotten that I’d tried to throw myself across the table to strangle Spiridon?

Shame flares up in my body in remembrance. That’s probably what he meant, if I had reached the blonde guardian what the hell could I have achieved? He would simply swat me away like a fly. My cheeks flood with heat and anger curls in my stomach.  I didn’t want to be vulnerable though…that was more embarrassing than the whole incident where I’d behaved like a child throwing a tantrum. But these were stupid and empty wants too, I couldn’t be any more than what I was and what I was was nothing or at the very least I was something that was useful to Mr Dashkov’s plans for a burrowed time.

Then what after? What use did I have then?

_Free to leave and do what you wish to…_

“Were you really going to try and hit Spiridon?” Dimitri asks, somehow picking up on the thread of my thoughts. He didn’t sound like he was mocking me, only curious.

“Try.” I murmur, wrapping my arms around myself. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. He would have deserved it.”

I turn to him surprised. He glances at me out the side of his eye but keeps his attention on the road.

“If he’d spoken about my mother that way I would have done the exact same thing.”

“I doubt anyone would have been able to hold you back.” Or put you into a seat like you were a child.

“No they would wouldn’t but that wouldn’t necessarily be a good thing.”

“Why not?”

“Victor is fond of Spiridon. It would annoy him if I put him out of commission.”

I look out at the passing forest. I liked that it was cooler her although there was goose bumps on my skin as my body hadn’t adjusted yet.

“I don’t like him.”

“You’ll learn to handle him or living with him will be difficult.”

I was going to be living with guardians, in a house…

“Is that where we’re going? To Mr Dashkov’s?”

“You can call him Victor and no. I know you must be tired but you need medical attention.”

“A doctor?” I ask, recalling my mother’s question in the master’s bedroom. It seemed so long ago.

“No. We’re going to see an alchemist.”

I look down at the dessert cradled in my lap, his one.

I was not stupid. I knew what my mother said and I knew there was so much truth in her warnings. Running my fingertips over the plastic cover over the dessert a part of me wanted to rebel against her and everything I knew, to believe that maybe all Guardians weren’t the same. But I couldn’t disrespect Eddie like that. Instead I could let them believe I trusted them. I glance over at Dimitri…no I couldn’t trust anyone. I had to survive.


	7. Green is homey.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why do I never end a chapter where I want to?? I think I bang on too much about describing rooms, that’ll quieten down soon when events take much more focus.
> 
> Thank you for all the supportive reviews J And I left one myself with a little spoiler …not much. I’ve vowed not to crack and reveal spoilers.
> 
> Now let’s play house.
> 
> Ps. Sorry if there’s spelling errors, I’ll freak out and fix them later.

I couldn’t stop staring out the window. You would think I’d never seen trees before but these were different, these were Montana trees that had the richest green leaves. Then the trees gave way to miles of emerald carpet that stretched out to the mountains that lined the horizon. It was beautiful. I wanted to stand still out there, on the grass, surrounded by the green and cool, clean air with the powder blue sky above me. The idea seemed peaceful.

The road dips downward and I turn away from the window.  My lips part, we were driving into another city…or maybe it was a town.  The buildings were all mostly the same height and shape and aligned neatly in the streets. There weren’t as many winding paths for the car to follow.  We pass the first building and I expect to feel something like I had crossing the ward boundaries but I don’t.

There were people. People on the streets, people ducking in and out of buildings, standing on the streets smoking and crossing in front of our car when we paused in front of the red light People different shapes and sizes, not gaunt or nervous looking but young and old and in between. 

“What are you thinking?” Dimitri asks, breaking the silence we’d held for twenty three minutes.

I play with the pendant and answer quietly. “Who are the alchemists?”

“They’re a group of people who believe in keeping our world away from human society. We don’t know too much about them except what they allow us to know. They help us conceal activity from the humans. They are academics and somewhat religious.”

My understanding was still muddy. I knot my fingers together and make myself to go on. “Humans don’t know about Moroi and Guardians because of alchemists?”

“Yes. Alchemists cover our tracks.”

“So…humans don’t know about strigoi either?” I think about the body left in the woods and looking out the window I try to imagine the monsters stalking through these streets.  I shiver.

“No. Humans don’t know anything about us or them. Alchemists have ways of disposing of the bodies or making attacks on humans seem like tragedy’s their acquainted with.  Vampires are just bedtime stories.”

The human world sounded like a bedtime story. A world without vicious blood drinkers, Guardians and fear.

“What do you know of religion?” Dimitri asks, his hand yanking on the stick between our seats.

My first instinct is to lie or to no say anything but I make myself think. I was allowed to think now… to an extent. “It’s about…believing in something isn’t it?”

He glances over at me and nods.  I feel a flutter of joy in my chest.

“Something transcendent, spiritual, a higher being. Most alchemists believe in the religion Christianity but it differs. One thing they all agree on however is the natural order, humanity was created by the divine. Nowhere in the natural order do vampires or their offspring belong.”

He turns onto a street where the buildings are smaller with lawns and driveways stationed at every one.

“So they don’t like us?”

“They think our existence is an abomination.”

“So they really don’t like us.”

He stops the car the in front of a redbrick house.

“Why are we going to see someone who hates us?” I ask turning to him. He was already watching me.

“Unlike other believers alchemists believe in the pursuit of knowledge and are advanced medically.  They’ll be able to prescribe something to help your burn and hopefully leave you with no scarring. They don’t hate us personally but rather our existence overall.”

“Why would they help you?”

“They help us because we may be one evil but the strigoi are a greater one, one that we both work against.”

“An alchemist is going to give me medicine because you kill strigoi?” I ask, trying to summarize.

“I didn’t explain this very well.” He says turning to look at the house. “Alchemists help us because when we work for the same cause. Every interaction is recorded. It’s all very formal.” He turns back to me and I realize that this time I don’t instinctively want to look away. “This is not formal. This is off the books and pretty unorthodox for them.”

“So they might not give us medicine?” I guess, the barriers against exhaustion were coming down now and there was bruisey kind of pain behind my eyes.

“Oh he’ll help us.” Dimitri says, which conflicts with everything he’ said.

“Why?” I ask, copying him by unclicking my seatbelt.

“Because I’ll tell him to.”

I’m struck for a moment by the power in the short sentence and the amount of envy I felt. It’s enough time for him to come around to my side of the car and open the door. I hop out into the quiet street.

“You can leave that in the car.” Dimitri says gently. He nods down and I look down at the dessert in my hands. Quickly I set it down in my vacated seat.

I must look so greedy…and desperate.

I wrap my arms around myself as he shuts the door. I wondered how many people lived in one house, there had to be at least twenty on this street. The sun was full in the sky and there were white fluffy clouds dotted around the blue but it wasn’t anywhere near as warm as Arizona. It was the temperature of a cool night in Arizona but maybe it would get warmer later, at noon when the sun was high in the sky.

Dimitri looks from me to the sky. “The sooner we do this the sooner we can go home and sleep.”

He walks toward the house, up the paved driveway and I follow automatically, my mind elsewhere.

_Home._

**NOUN** **:** The place where one lives permanently, especially as a member of a family or household.

 

His sharp rap on the door snaps me out of my head. A figure is getting bigger in the frosted glass and I realize the obscure alchemist person was coming down the hall. Anxiety falls over me like ice water and I felt myself shrinking.  Dimitri said these people hated us and now were intruding in their house. If I knew anything it was to not aggravate someone who hated you.

 

Glancing up at Dimitri’s unconcerned expression I tried to set my shoulders but it just made my arm twinge angrily.  The bruise behind my eyes and the pain advancing in my arm was almost making my face spasm.

  
The door swings open and I swallow down all the physical discomfort as a boy fills the doorway looking very, very irritated.  I notice his hard eyes were a dull blue and immediately drop my gaze.

 

“Good morning Keith.”

 

“It was.” The other man’s voice sounds like its being pulled through his teeth. “I wasn’t aware we had business today.”

 

“It’s unofficial and urgent. Can we come in?”  


“Both those conditions warrant a direct message from your boss. And direct compensation.”

 

I hear the door being swung closed and out of the corner of my eye I see Dimitri’s arm shoot up. There’s a dull thud. I peek up at Dimitri’s palm against the half closed door and Keith’s outraged expression beyond it.

  
“You’re dealing with me directly.” 

 

Keith’s nostrils flare.  “I want double.”

 

“Fine.” Dimitri bites down on the ‘f’ before the rest of the word trails after it.

 

Keith walks away from the door and Dimitri pushes it open and motions for me to go inside.  I step into the dim hallway taking in how small yet proportioned it was with a dark wooden floor with bare red walls. It’s a short hallway and Keith’s disappeared around the corner at the end, Dimitri’s presence behind me was the only reason I could follow without faltering or freezing.  At the end of the hall is a door with glass panels and I glimpse a cooker and counters, a kitchen, and just with a small glimpse I’m comparing to the size I’m used to. It was less than half.  This house was like a miniature version of the Ozera’s.  I turn the corner Keith disappeared around and it opens up into a cosy room with a couch and two arm chairs, this must be the living room. 

 

Keith is sitting on the arm of one of the chairs with his arms folded, glaring at us. I pause and feel the warmth of Dimitri pressing reassuringly against my back.  I envied how he had body heat to spare when I was still cold, even inside this house.  I wondered if he was just naturally warm blooded or it was because of his long coat.

 

“What do you want?” Keith demands glaring inches above my head. That was brave.

 

“Rose needs medical examination and treatment for a burn.” For the first time Keith looks at me, his eyes going down and then up. I didn’t like it. “I heard you had a female colleague staying with you for a few days, I think that would be more appropriate.”

 

Keith’s eyes had made it to my face when he replies. “Mrs Sage is on assignment.”

 

“Can you call her back?”

 

“No.”

 

“You can’t or you won’t?”

  
“Even if I could, I wouldn’t.” Keith says, looking back at Dimitri with a smug expression.

 

“Because then someone would know you have your hand in a Moroi pocket? Not very ethical.”

 

Keith’s expression sobers. “No, Sydney wouldn’t say a word. She’s important alchemist business and I can’t compromise her cover by demanding she run back here for this girl.” He glances at me. “Is she anorexic or something?”

 

What?

 

“Can you do what you’re being paid for without commentary?” Dimitri says with a sharp edge to his voice that makes me want to hunch my shoulders.

 

“You haven’t paid me yet.” There’s a moment of tense silence as they stare at each other.  Keith sighs and stands. “Come through to the back.”

 

I wait and let Dimitri take the lead this time, then follow him through the Dining room into another hallway. There were two doors, one that led out to a small garden and the one Keith goes through.  It was a room unlike I’d ever seen. The only thing I recognised was a computer exactly like the one in Master Ozera’s study but everything else had me staring. A table laden with tools, glass jars and vials, all filled with different coloured substances, liquid or powdered, one had a mixture of both. On the other side of the room was a high padded looking table, or lounge chair and beside it was a screen with wheels attached.  Keith was now behind the wooden desk that held the computer and was clicking away on its keyboard and Dimitri was looking over his shoulder at the screen.  There were cupboards with locks and a window behind their heads that I could see the garden through.

 

This room made me nervous. I knew it was different house, in a different state but it held some similarities to the Masters study. Even the air of the room was the same, how you knew not to touch anything encase you spoiled it.

 

Keith reaches for a small machine and holds it out to Dimitri. He takes it and slides a small, thin card into it. Dimitri’s fingers tap quickly against it and there’s a small beep. Keith’s shoulders relax.   


“Go behind the screen and change into the gown.” Keith says to one in particular.

 

I wait until Dimitri looks at me to confirm that Keith was talking to me. It isn’t until he nods that I can make myself move.  I do as I’m told, trying to keep my breathing regular.

 

I was taking my clothes off in a small room with two men in it.  One being something I’d feared all my life and the other was something I didn’t understand but knew he hated me because of blood. Because I was unnatural and there was no way to appease something like that. No amount of politeness or making myself invisible and then they were hostile to each other and this room was very small and what if they hurt me? What if they held me down on that table? Would anyone hear me screaming?

 

No, no. I couldn’t think like that. I had to hold on to the smallest pieces of evidence that that wouldn’t happen. Like how Dimitri was nothing like the other Guardians, or even mean like Spiridon. And he had promised my mother. That promise was carved into his hand.

 

Behind the screen there was a long shirt hanging up and it was very light and very thin. I toe off the shoes. I pull my arms out of the sweater first so it’s still around me as I figure out the shirt. I yank it over my head and pull the gown over me as fast as I can. My knuckles smack the rail in my haste and I bite down on my lip. I hold my breath, waiting for either one of them to say something but neither do. I straighten out the gown and then pull the jeans off.

 

I stand for a second feeling the cool air of the room on my skin. I was too aware of my underwear and for once the tight bind of the bandages was comforting. At least the gown hung off me…but I still felt exposed.  With my eyes down I step out from behind the barrier.

 

“Alright, sit up on the table.” Keith’s orders.

 

I peek up at it and make my way over. Its surface was above my hip. I swallow and hop up on to it. Brown leather shoes appear on the ground and then fingers begin tugging at Dimitri’s tourniquet making me wince.

 

“Careful.”  Dimitri says and I feel myself relax a little. I had worried he’d left.

 

Keith sighs irritated but his movements are gentler as he unwraps my wound. 

 

The last layer comes away he inhales sharply. “Jesus. Are those…is that a handprint? How the hell-“

 

“Details aren’t important. Can you treat it?”

 

“How old is it?”

 

“About a day. I did the best I could with disinfectant.”

 

“It might scar a little.”

 

I tug the gown neatly under my knees so it’s more secure as I hear Keith unscrewing something I imagine is one of the jars and my thoughts are confirmed when he places it next to me. It was a small tub filled with a green looking sludge. The smell of peppermint hits my nose.  Keith scoops a mound out on his fingers and that’s when I see the damage for the first time.  The tan skin of my upper arm was marred by the swollen red skin in the centre of it. Blisters the size of pebbles bubbled out of my skin and where there weren’t blisters there were grooves of where her fingers had been. The indents had yellowish look to them, like off meat.  I look away, unable to digest the image, and worried if I looked any longer the water my head was swimming in would get start churning.

 

I find Dimitri standing opposite me, leaning against Keith’s desk with his arms folded. His alert eyes are trained on what Keith’s work. I gasp as something cold merges with the heat of the burn but just as soon as the stinging starts it’d gone, replaced by a weird cooling sensation that makes the exposed part of burn feel hotter.

 

I focus on Dimitri’s face, the calmness of it and try to make myself feel the same way as Keith applies the rest of the paste.  Under the coolness of it is a strange tingling. My arm is going numb.

 

“She’ll need to put this on every morning or night for two weeks.”  Keith says and he screws the lid back on.

 

Dimitri’s eyes leave his movements and meet mine. Nothing in his expression changes that drastically, only the tightness around his eyes lessens and despite the bindings around my chest some pressure leaves it.

 

“A fire user did that right?” Keith says and the disgust dripping from his voice makes me look at him. He pushes a blonde lock out of eyes, his lips pressed into a hard line. “It’s so disgusting.”

 

“Just get the physical over and done with.” Dimitri responds flatly.

 

From then Keith prods me and taps my knees with an instrument that makes my legs twitch. He takes my weight and my measurements and the whole time no one speaks with the exception of when he was instructing me to do things. Like follow his fingers as he shone a light in my eyes or to open my mouth so he could tap my teeth. Every time the anxiety threatened to rocket up my spine I peeked over at Dimitri who would be watching Keith but always felt my stare. He’d meet it and it would ease me slightly so I could look back down at floor with panic at bay. The worst part was when Keith was measuring my chest. Dimitri’s body had looked like a coiled spring, ready to snap into action at any moment. He followed Keith’s movements with sharp eyes which Keith was more than aware of. It was hell.

 

On top of that exhaustion was beating over me in waves. By the time Keith finishes I’m swaying on the spot and have to put a hand on the table to steady myself. 

 

“Well I trust she’s going to get proper nourishment from now on?” Keith asks, walking behind his desk. Dimitri only nods. “She needs a rich diet of protein and dairy which should get her riboflavin levels up. I’ll print you off a nutrition plan. Make her eat at least five times a day, the basic three meals but small and the other two snacks based around the plan.”

 

_Five times?_

“One reason to be thankful you’re an abomination.” Keith says and I look up at him as he hands a sheet of paper to Dimitri. “You endure better.”

 

“Abominations often have to.”  Dimitri responds flatly. He looks over his shoulder at me. “Get dressed.”

 

I trudge back behind the curtain and this time I have to hold onto the wall behind me for support as I dress.

 

“I can only guess where she came from.” I hear Keith say quietly as I tug my jeans on. “And you can’t bring her ever again. It’s bad enough to have risked a trip here at all but bringing a _slave_ here. What the hell were you thinking?”

 

“I was thinking you’re under our payroll and if you forget that then you can be severely reminded.”

 

“Stop threatening me, I’m saying this or both our benefits. Discretion is the key or this will blow up in all our faces.”

 

“You’re the one in danger of re-education. Not us.”

 

There’s a sound like something hard thudding against the desk.

 

“How do you even know about that? That’s alchemist business. It has nothing to do with your kind!” Keith’s voice is an angry hiss and it wakes me up slightly.

 

“Do you see how problematic it is to speak about everything you know? I told you details don’t matter and yet you’ve mentioned them. She is not your business, where she came from is not your business and as soon as we leave this whole thing never happened. That will benefit us all. Understand?”

 

There’s no response but the silence conveys admission.  Dressed again I step out from behind the curtain. Keith is sitting behind his desk looking more furious than he had when we showed up.

 

“Do we need pain killers?”

 

Keith doesn’t look away from his computer screen. “The salve acts as a painkiller as well as accelerating the healing process.”

 

Dimitri picks up the jar of the green paste. “Thank you for your help. Victor will be in touch.”

 

“Just get out.”

 

Dimitri nods to the door and I shuffle out with him shadowing my steps. The living room is bathed in bright morning light and it makes my itchy eyes ache more. At the front door Dimitri reaches past me to turn the lock and steps out first, his gaze sweeping the street. I’m so distracted by his Guardian instincts that I miss the next step off the porch and the ground is rushing up to my face.

 

A hand grabs my left arm and I stumble so I catch myself on my knees.

 

“Are you alright?” He demands, crouching down beside me.  I can only nod, speaking costs too much. “Do you want help to the car?”

 

I hesitate. The thought of picking myself off the ground right now makes me want to curl up here on the path but I remember how he thinks I’m vulnerable and I can’t be. I was on my own now.  I shake my head and somehow push myself up and stumble toward the car with Dimitri close to my side the whole time. I didn’t have the energy to even tell him I was fine.

 

He opens the car door for me and without asking this time he knocks my knees out from under me and lifts me into the car seat, placing something in my lap. When he shuts the door my eyes snap open, looking blearily down at the dessert in my lap. I must have blinked but only completed half the process and failed to open them.  I shake my head trying to keep alert as he slides into the driver’s seat.

 

“You can sleep now Rose.” He says quietly.

 

I can’t. What if something bad happened to me?

 

“Nothing is going to happen to you. Go to sleep.”

 

The gentle purr of the car and the warmth seeping into my skin diminished any fight left in me. I slipped away into the dark.

 

//////////

 

_Why was I back here again? I didn’t belong here._

_The looming staircase rose up above me, a stairwell into the dark. I flinch_ as _high pitched_ _maniac laughter bounces around the tiles and slanting walls._

_“You can’t hide from me Rosemarie.” She sings. “I’m coming to get you.”_

_I run for the front door but it seems to be getting further away and the ground was tilting in odd angles under my feet so I keep_ falling. _Each slam into my knees makes me think they are going to break until finally I can’t get up and I’m clawing my way forward. The laughter is getting louder and closer, the hair on the back of my neck standing up and screaming or was I screaming?_

 

_I finally reach the door and I know if I can make it outside I’ll be okay. If I could get away from this place I would be okay._

_There’s a loud bang as boots land in front of my face and I’m being pulled up by my arms, the fingers clamped on me are hot and are burning into my skin. I won’t let her do this again, I won’t let her hurt me, I won’t let my mother pay a price to help me._

_But when I meet her eyes they aren’t her eyes. They are not blazing blue but sinister red,_ framed by dark hair.  _Dimitri’s lips pull back over his long, sharp fangs._

_Now I know I’m screaming. He snarls and yanks my head to the side and agony explodes in my neck._

_And I can still hear her laughing, so loudly it goes hand in hand with my screaming._

_///_

“Rose, Rose, wake up.”

 

There’s stiffness in my neck and the menacing scarlet is burning in my mind. A hand clutches my shoulder and automatically I strike out. There’s muffled ‘umph’ as my knuckles connect and glance off something hard which makes my eyes snap open.

 

Dimitri holds up his hand in a peaceful gesture.  He was almost bearing over me as he stood by the open door to my side of the car.  “It’s just me.”

My heartbeat was pulsing in my ears and I sink further down my chair.

 

“You were having a nightmare and I was trying to wake you.”

 

My eyes dart from his cautious expression to his upheld hand and hold on the clean, red slice in the centre.  I swallow and make myself sit up straight, nodding. I should not have fallen asleep. I had to be stronger than this.  I fight against the haziness in my head and something slides sideways in my lap.  Dimitri’s hand catches the dessert before I can. That’s good, I’d already ruined one.

 

“Thank you.” I mumble.

 

“Can you walk? We’re here.”

 

It takes a moment for his words to sink in and form meaning.  I nod and fumble to undo my belt. Dimitri steps away and I slide out of the car, my knees go weak beneath me and I catch myself against the car.

 

“Do you want-“

 

I shake my head which I hope acts to clear it too.  He shuts the door and I drag my eyes up from the ground, and they widen by the sight I’m met with.  It was a big house. Nowhere near as big as the one back in Arizona but bigger than Keith’s had been.  It wasn’t made of intimidating brick or structured like the Ozera’s.  It was rectangular and well proportioned, and some of it was grey or smooth, soft white.  It was also tall, a balcony jutted out on the second floor and there was another floor above it. The house was bathed in sunlight and around it the jade on the trees gleamed.

 

Dimitri walks around the car and I notice two others identical to his one parked further up the drive. 

 

“Rose…” Dimitri calls. He was standing patiently on the path that leads to the porch.

 

 To the left the ground turned into a slope that ended in a metal shutter. What was down there? This place was my new minefield. I swallow against the tightness in my throat and trudge after him, the brightness of the morning making my eyes ache.  On the porch he flips open a silver keypad and quickly he taps over the keys in a long series that I can’t follow. The thing then beeps and lights up green. Dimitri slides a card along the top of it and then reaches for the large grey door that swings open easily. I was willing to bet that without knowing the code the door would be much more difficult to get through.

 

I follow Dimitri’s boots over the threshold, the ground changing from brick to smooth, stone coloured tile.  The warmth persuades me to look up as my curiosity was being smothered by exhaustion.  It was a huge space, to the right was just one big room, coloured with designs in rich chocolates and cream.  There were two couches and an arm chair, a coffee table and along the far wall a TV dominated the centre.  Off from this living area was an elegant dining table that seated six.  Above it hung three bulbous lights, their shades a sheer goldish colour that made me think when they were turned on they would be dazzlingly bright. Its then I notice just how dim it was in here, especially as the back wall, behind the table was a wall of dark glass.

 

I blink and strain my eyes trying to determine that it was in fact glass and not just a shiny wall. But yes I could see leaves fluttering on the trees through it, it was glass the same or close to the windows in our cars. Tinted.

 

A noise like a cupboard being closed grabs my attention and I realize I’ve been alone in my staring.  To my left was an arch way and stepping forward I’m able to peer around the wall. It was a kitchen, an appropriate sized one and Dimitri was currently setting bottles down on the granite counter.  I sway to the side and right myself before I can stumble.

 

Directly opposite is a staircase and I can’t help but think how welcoming the carpet looks on it. Mr Dashkov had said I would have a room but I had never let myself think about it. I couldn’t even picture it really, it was ridiculous. I would be blessed to sleep on the landing.

 

“Rose.” Dimitri calls. I shuffle into the kitchen and he meets me halfway. His height catches me off guard again so I’m craning my neck back to look at him.  “I know you’re tired but I want you to drink this before we go to bed.”

 

He holds out a water bottle and I stare stupidly at it before taking it. The ache behind my eyes was expanding and wrapping around my brain like ivy.

 

“Why?” I hear myself mumble as I pry the cap off.

 

“When you sleep you become dehydrated and I’m worried you’re already too much so.”

 

The bottle top pauses at my lips and I look all the way up at his face. “You’re worried?”

 

His dark eyes are closed doors indicating he was neither going to repeat or confirm what he’d said. Maybe I’d heard wrong.  Maybe this was all a dream and I was still lost in a painkiller haze back at the barn.  I take as big as gulps as I can manage until the bottles drained and silently he takes it from me.  He opens a cupboard under the sink that has a trash can attached to the back of the door and disposes of it. I trudge out of the kitchen after him, wrapping my dead weight arms around myself. Now that my arm wasn’t hurting (it was pleasantly cool and numb) there was nothing to anchor me to my head or to make me focus. I just wanted to shut down.

 

_But I can’t, I have to be aware._

I should have drunk more of his coffee.

 

“Rose did you hear me?”

 

I reel back and almost stumble. “Sorry.”

 

Dimitri’s hard gaze softens around the edges but only slightly. He was two steps up on the stairs. “It’s fine. I just asked can you manage the stairs.”

 

“Yes, I can manage.” Because I wasn’t vulnerable and how could I say no?

 

I grip the bannister and begin climbing. My legs were wet water bags with weak joints, I kept expecting to crash to my knees which made me grip the bannister tighter. Dimitri’s boots kept pausing on the steps above me and I knew he was waiting for my legs to fail too.  I was not vulnerable. I was not a child.

 

Finally we reach the landing and it’s more than dim up here. My mother had said Dhampirs had heightened senses and I wondered if I were human would I be completely blinded by the dark now. 

 

There are two doors that met us at the top of the stairs, one on either side. Dimitri crosses to the one on the left and I follow, sparing a glance down the hall where I can see two other doors and another staircase.

 

“This will be your room.” Dimitri’s says quietly, opening the door. A light illuminates and then dims down to a glow.

 

Dumbly I come to stand beside him in the doorway. It was a big and simply decorated room. There was a huge bed, a bedside table with a lamp, a chest of drawers and a wardrobe. I take another step inside and my feet inside the mistress’s shoes sink down into the brown carpet. Beside the wardrobe was another door. Perhaps my room was through there, maybe that’s what he meant.

 

“That’s your bathroom. Do you need me to show you how to work the shower? Or can it wait until morning?”

 

I did another sweep of the room, details starting to register. Three of walls were a very soft green that reminding me of the vast fields we’d see on the way here. The main wall that had the headboard of the bed against it was a cream like downstairs. On the left side, the west wall, was a bay window but the taupe curtains were drawn.  The drawers, the table, the wardrobe, the iron wrought headboard were all white too. It reflected outside I think, this room.

 

This room. This couldn’t be _mine_.

 

“Rose, are you alright?” Dimitri asks, stepping away from the door and toward where I’d drifted to.

 

“Where do I sleep?” I ask.  


“In the bed.”

 

I turn back to the giant thing, laden in a cream duvet with green swirls upon it and four fat pillows. A fist closes around my throat.

 

“If you need anything.” He says in a voice more gentle than he’s used all night. “I’m across the hall. Don’t be afraid to ask.”

 

The door closes with quiet click.

 

I swallow thickly and reach out toward the bed, expecting it to disappear at my touch. The white iron barrier at the foot of the bed is cool and sturdy under my hands. My breath catches and my lungs tremble and I can’t help it, tears spill over my cheeks. My hand leaves the iron and wanders to the duvet, it felt almost wrong to do so, to explore it encase I spoiled it.

 

There’s a soft pat as a tear hits its surface.

 

_Stop it._

I wipe at my cheeks. I couldn’t waste time crying over it. If I got to sleep here then I had to make the most of it, I had to appreciate it because tomorrow might be very different.  I toe easily out of her too big shoes and gingerly sit down. It sinks a little beneath me and my eyes close, and it’s like the softness is coaxing me to lie down, to curl up and let dreams tug me away.

 

I’m about to push myself deeper into its centre when I notice the bottom of her jeans are dirty. I hadn’t been able to roll them up as my mother had after changing at Keith’s.  I bite my lip and then pop the button that was almost around my waist. I wriggle out of the trousers and fold them up, placing them on the bedside table so they would be close in the morning. I put her shoes neatly on the floor beside it.

 

I hurry back over to the door where beside it on the wall is the light switch and I try not to think about my bare legs. It was a round thing and I realized it rotated too. I test it and the light above me dims further and blazes up when turned the other direction. I push it inward and the light clicks off altogether.

 

Walking back to the bed I think I must be half asleep already, poised on the edge of dreaming. I peel the duvet back and crawl between the covers.  Soft just so soft and firm and so much covers. I cocoon myself in the green and cream, tucking one pillow under my head. No one could find me in here. I could get lost in this bed and never find my way out. I wouldn’t mind. No bad dreams or bad people could find me. Although my mother did and I fell asleep with her pendant pressing against my heart, wishing she was here pressing against my back.

 

/////

 

 I’m not sure what wakes me. I’m buried under soft rocks and a thick tent.  I push up onto my elbows, disorientated and confused by the colours.  It was quiet, it was so quiet. I pull at the canopy over my head and push the pillows aside until I surface.  I’m confused and panic for a moment until my mind catches up and I remember everything dazedly.

 

 I rub the sleep from my eyes and look around again. I was halfway down the bed and I’d somehow dragged two pillows down with me. The duvet was all pulled and piled up around me as if I’d kept it close in unconscious fear it would run away.  I’d made a mess.

 

I untangle myself and crawl to the edge of the bed, fully aware now of the pain in my abdomen that was the reason I’d woke. At least I hadn’t wet myself.

 

 Cautiously I open the door Dimitri had said was a bathroom. In the dimness I see toilet ahead and to the left a bath and a shower, paired beside each other.  I flick the switch next to my shoulder and blink as the light comes on.  I step inside and close the door behind me, it starting to dawn on me how fortunate I was that I didn’t have to venture far to relieve myself.  Even if I were allowed to wander around the house I don’t think I could.

 

Halfway across the dark tiles that felt warm under my feet something moves out of the corner of eye and I let out a short scream. Made short because I stumble back, my knees connecting with the bath and giving out under me so I fall back into the white tub, smacking my head on the side.

 

I scramble to sit up, looking around the small bathroom and finding it empty. I was alone. Then I notice it, a few inches up higher and poised above the sink. A mirror.

 

The first time I’d seen myself and I’d fell over screaming. Somehow this made the whole idea less exciting than it had been back in Arizona.

 

“Idiot.” I mutter and climb out of the bath, casting the mirror a wary look.

 

What if I was really that…ugly? Or frightening. A mere glance had caused me an injury so what was looking going to achieve?

 

I rub my head and glare again at the mirror that was proudly reflecting the bathroom. My bladder reacted angrily to the trauma and with my eyes down I scurry over to the toilet. Afterward I approach the sink without lifting my eyes and wash my hands.

 

Why was I so scared? I suppose it was like meeting someone you’d heard or known about your whole life but never seen.  But it was me… I knew me. I’d known me my whole life. It wasn’t like I was meeting someone who would then reject me or hurt me in any way… but except I could. I could reject me.  But I had to know, my mother always told me that knowledge was the best thing you could ever own.

 

I look up.

 

I exhale shakily and in the reflection does the same, drawing my eyes to her lips. They were full and slightly pouty, a pale pink but in the middle you could see where they had been bitten nervously.  Her top lips defined with a soft bow.  I lean in closer, eyeing her guardedly and she looks back me just as wary. I can see now my lips are slightly chapped and her tongue pokes out unconsciously.  I travel up and examine her eyes, they were almost too big in her face and the colour of the bedroom carpet.  I try to find some recognition within them but in their frame of dark lashes they become even more estranged as her eyes search mine.

 

I could see however the things my mother worried about. She was kind of pretty. It lurked in her eyes even though they were cautious and her skin was smooth and clear looking, although marred by some scratches from the incident in the woods.

 

I was more tanned than I realised, my face kissed more by the sun than my arms had been. That would change being here where the sun was weaker.  I reach up and bring her braid over my shoulder, looking down at it between my fingers rings as a connection. I look up at my reflection, this is me. My hair was at least familiar to me. The ends were broken and a little wild looking but the actual rope of the braid had a little shine to and felt soft. Although the way I had slept had pulled a hunk loose and it sat oddly behind my ears. I take off the tie and begin running my fingers through my dark locks. The motion was soothing and I start to relax a little. Soon my hair is hanging in loose, thick waves.  I turn to the side and see how it hangs almost all the way down my back.

 

I might be unsure of my feelings toward my appearance but I did like my hair. I felt like I could hide behind it.  My mother never let me wear it down anymore, it was impractical and I wouldn’t let her cut it but maybe here it would be okay.

 

I bring a lock of it forward and remember how I did so in the shower. My gaze drops to my chest. Her sweater is rumpled and my chest looks a little strange, an odd shape or maybe it was because I knew I’d been flatted out. I mean it wasn’t so odd that it drew attention but I couldn’t help but think I looked a little unbalanced. My hips were as wide as my shoulders and the sweater was thin and fitted me neatly which showed the dip of my waist. My collarbones jutted out within the V neckline. My chest just looked odd…but maybe it was just me being stupid. It was better this way. Safer.

 

I couldn’t take the bandages off now because I couldn’t be sure I would be able to get them back on if someone came looking for me.

 

I wonder what time it was.

 

I pull the sweater up a little so between it and my underwear my hipbones jut out. My nose wrinkles, how could…I didn’t understand why my mother worried so much about me. Who would find all these juts appealing?  There was something wrong about how they stood out and I remember how Keith had looked at me yesterday, like I was a sick person.  I pull the sweater back down and leave the bathroom.

 

I grab her jeans and pull them back on, taking more time to try and roll the bottoms so they won’t fall down. I make the bed as best I can trying not to wish or think about sleeping in it again. Wanting didn’t bring you things.

 

I sit down, running my hand through my hair trying to decide what to do now. Do I just wait until someone comes? Would Dimitri come and get me? And then what do I do? I think about what Mr Dashkov had said on the plane about how I was an _employee_ now and that he wanted me to take care of his home. And cook.

 

I go over to the window and pry back the curtains. It was dark outside which meant it was their daytime and mine now, so were they already up? Were they expecting breakfast? I bite my lip trying to decide what to do. What if Mr Dashkov expected it to be made and no one had come to tell me?

 

It hit me then how there was nobody to turn to anymore. Nobody to help or tell me what to do.

The anxiety begins to spread through my blood and it drives me toward the bedroom door. I could sit and wait to do something wrong or I could at least try and get it right.

 

I cross the hall and pause outside the door, his door. I raise my hand and hold it there. What if I woke him up? Wouldn’t he be md?

 

_I very rarely get mad._

 

I knock.

 

A minute passes in which I shift from foot to foot. I could always go down stairs and scope out the kitchen and prepare to make breakfast. I knew basic meals, I’d watched my mom make them over and over but dinner was a grey area. I hope they have cook books but then how I would I explain I could read. Maybe I could do it in secret or –

 

The door opens and I look up in surprise.

 

Dimitri is standing in grey drawstring pants and a white t-shirt that isn’t pulled down all the way, showing the indentation of his hip and his tan skin. His hair is also a mess. I look away feeling like I’ve caught him indecent. My cheeks flame.

 

What the hell was wrong with me?

 

“Rose?” He says, his voice tainted by sleep. I peek up at him and look away again. The sudden urge to laugh takes hold of me.

 

He clears his throat and the sleep disappears from his tone.  “Is something wrong? Does your arm hurt?”

 

I shake my head. “I just wanted to know what to do. What I should do…should I make breakfast?”

 

“What time is it?” he says, turning away and venturing back into his room. He goes to his bedside table and retrieves a small object I recognise as his phone.  I notice that a book is also lying on his nightstand. There were also books on the floor, stacked neatly and I could spy a shelf lined with books too.

 

My nosiness is interrupted by his white t-shirt blocking my view as he comes back to the doorway. I pretend to examine my socks.

 

“I suppose we should wake the others soon or they’ll oversleep. Ben should be up already.”

 

“So I should make breakfast?” I say eagerly, happy there would be something I could do.

 

“Yes we should.” He says moving toward the stairs.

 

“Isn’t it what I’m supposed to do?” I ask feeling a little panicked. “You don’t have to help me. I don’t need help.”

 

He looks over his shoulder. “I know. But it would be a lot easier if I showed you where everything is instead of you coming to ask me in five minutes.”

 

“The kitchen isn’t that big.”

 

He raises an eyebrow and I’m struck by how the remark just slipped out. I’m about to apologise when he speaks.

 

“Well to be honest I don’t like being babied.” He starts down the stairs again. “I’ve been making my own meals for twenty years and I’ve been sternly warned by my grandmother another woman is not allowed to.”

 

I follow him down trying to make sense of that. My attention is diverted by the lightness of downstairs and I look over to see the glass is no longer dark but clear. There were lights on outside and through the glass I could a large garden.

 

“The glass acts sort of like light sensitive glasses. In the sun the glass turns darker but as soon as it gets darker it becomes clear again.” Dimitri says, having waited for me at the bottom.

 

“Odd.” I mumble meaning far more than the glass.

 

“I think it’s smart.  Creates the illusion of openness and means Victor can enjoy a view of the garden he and Natalie work on.”

 

Natalie, Mr Dashkov’s daughter.  I follow Dimitri into the kitchen wondering about the other girl and when she’d be coming. Maybe she was already here.  

 

Dimitri shows me around the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards and displaying its contents. I’m fascinated by the large, silver storage box he calls the fridge. He opens up both its doors and then describes how you can fill a tank with water and ice that can be dispensed on the outside of the door.  Beside the fridge is a one door model that looks similar and he says it’s the freezer. It was crazy how they had compacted the houses food to these two units and didn’t have a whole room for them.

 

“So, what do you think?” Dimitri asks, bringing me up short on my thoughts. Was it obvious how engrossed I was by the cooling box?

 

“About breakfast.”  He says after a moment.

 

Oh yeah.

 

Slowly I wander over to the fridge and pull it open. The door is much heavier than I thought it would be.

 

“What does Mr Dashkov like?” I ask quietly.

 

“He’s not fussy. He isn’t allergic to anything and doesn’t stock anything he finds distasteful.”

 

With the exception of a blonde Guardian I think.

 

“Eggs?”  I venture.

 

“That will do.”

 

The coolness of the fridge made me aware of the heat radiating off him beside me.

 

“Do Spiridon and Ben like eggs too?” I ask as he plucks them off the shelf.

 

“Spiridon will eat anything, even his own burnt concoctions when he and Ben don’t order in.”

 

“What about you?” I take four more eggs off their holder and shut the fridge.

 

“You don’t have to worry about me.”

 

I set the eggs down next the others on the counter, a flare of irritation in my stomach.  I did have to worry or didn’t the understand that? I had been given my instructions and he was making following them difficult.

 

“Do you like eggs?” I say, trying to mask my stupid emotions.

 

“Yes.”

 

So then I could make them anyway without it being difficult. “Is this enough for three Guardians and Mr Dashkov?”

 

Dimitri sets the mixing bowl he’d pulled out of the cupboard down with a startling thud.

 

“It’s more than enough Rose.” He says flatly. “And call him Victor.”

 

That was more abrupt than I’d been expecting and it squashes out any confidence I had in talking to him. I start cracking eggs into the bowl and mixing them as Dimitri heats the skillet on the stove.  He also turns on the oven, showing me which dial to use which seemed obvious to me, and greases a tray before laying bacon on it.

 

“Would you like Orange juice or milk?” He asks as I pour the mixture into the skillet.

 

I peek over at him, the refusal ready to tip off my tongue but the look he gives me says that I was given two options and declining isn’t one of them.

 

“Milk please.” I mumble and pick up the wooden spoon to stir the eggs.  The smell of bacon was filling up the kitchen and I begged my stomach not to growl.

 

“Remember you’re allowed access to the kitchen at any time. You don’t have to ask.” He says putting the glass down beside me. “You heard yesterday that you have to increase your diet so it would make it much easier for you to be comfortable making yourself meals when you want to.”

 

Hesitantly I lift the glass to my lips and sip my milk. I could feel him watching and I hoped it earned some approval.  I give the eggs a stir and take another gulp, almost forgetting his gaze and relishing in the milk.

 

“I’ll go and wake the others.” Dimitri says. He stoops to check the bacon and then leaves.

 

I finish my glass. How bizarre this is, to be cooking or doing the bare minimum of cooking with a guardian who gets irritated by my inability to accept access to things that are not mine. I wonder what my mother had to cook for the breakfasts and if she, Mary and Meredith had to prepare for all the new guardians.

 

I push the thoughts of my mother away.  I couldn’t deal with that yet…or ever. I touch the pendant at my throat.

 

“It smells so good in here.”  Ben says coming into the kitchen and my heart only jumps instead of threatening to stop. I tuck an escaped tendril of my hair behind my ear and hear him come closer. “Looks great, Rose.”

 

“I smell bacon and bacon makes me excited.” A voice carols loudly and there’s a pounding as someone comes down the stairs. A moment later Spiridon rounds the corner and his hair that had been sticking up yesterday is lying flat, flopping into his eyes.  He looks younger.  “It is nearly ready?”

 

“Nearly.” I answer quietly, giving the eggs another push around the pan.

 

“Here.” Ben says, opening a cupboard and pulling out plates.

 

“Why don’t you boys stop hovering over Rose and set the table.” Mr Dashkov’s voice suggests and I turn to see him standing in the entry. He wasn’t in a suit but in his cord trousers and light blue shirt look just as smart. “Is there any coffee?”

 

Spiridon and Ben file out with cutlery and other things they’d taken from the cupboards.  Mr Dashkov comes to my other side and flicks on the coffee machine Dimitri had pointed out to me earlier.

 

“Would you like a cup dear?”  I shake my head. I wasn’t ready to try that stuff again.  “It’s so nice to have someone preparing a proper meal for us. Thank you.”

 

My cheeks start to heat and all I can do is nod.

 

“Dimitri does try and make sure we eat properly but he can’t be responsible for feeding us.The boys are always alternating between take outs and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t indulge with them” He chuckles to himself.  “Three grown men who can only make as much as a sandwich between them, disgraceful. The exception is Thanksgiving. I make a wonderful roast and cities have actually fallen in efforts to steal my late wife’s stuffing recipe. Ah Dimitri, coffee?”

 

“Always.” Dimitri replies making me jump. He kneels down beside me to open the oven and take out the tray.

 

“IS IT READY YET?” Spiridon yells from the other room.

 

“Don’t take him his plate. He hasn’t let us have our first cup before becoming tedious.”  Mr Dashkov says and despite his words there’s warmth in his words.

 

I take the skillet off the hob and Mr Dashkov wordlessly moves aside so I can spoon eggs onto the plates. I just about get an even amount on all and Dimitri uses a spatula to transfer the bacon.

 

“We just have to wait on the toast.” Dimitri says.

 

“I’ll take in the juice and some glasses.” Mr Dashkov says.

 

“On it.” Ben declares having come in unnoticed and opening the fridge.  He and Mr Dashkov balance the glasses between them and leave the kitchen.

 

Wordlessly Dimitri butters toasts and hands it to me to slice on the plates.

 

“Do you want one slice or two?” He asks and that when I realize we have five plates. Not four.

 

“One.” I murmur.  He slides bread into the toaster.

 

He leaves my side to retrieve a bowl and I hear him rustling around behind me.   


“I want you to try and eat this too.” He says coming back. I look at the bowl in his hands that had some weird brown mixture in it.

 

“What is it?” I say, my nose wrinkling. 

 

“Oatmeal.  You need the fibre and the nutrients. Just eat what you can.”

 

It looked like mushed up bread.

 

“You can put sugar on it. A little bit.”

 

The toast pops and he puts down the bowl to butter it and hands it to me. I set it on the plate, my plate, and slice it. Dimitri lifts two plates and I copy, following him into the large room and over to the dining table where the three men were laughing about something.  Spiridon stops whatever he’s saying as he catches sight of us and he smiles brilliantly. He really did get excited about food. Dimitri sets plates down in front of Mr Dashkov and Spiridon who say their thanks and I set one in front of Ben and the other where cutlery is set.

 

“Thanks Rose.” Ben smiles and I automatically begin to smile back. Then I stop myself and scurry after Dimitri back to the kitchen.

 

He was putting the pan into the sink.

 

“I can do that.” I say quickly.

 

“I already have.”

 

He takes up my plate and the steaming mug Mr Dashkov poured. “Grab your oatmeal.”

 

I look anxiously at the mess on the counter top and the greasy baking tray.

 

“Rose. It can wait.” He says flatly.

 

I do as I’m told and grab the bowl of mush.  I follow him back to the table and he sits down opposite Spiridon where I’d put the other plate. He sets my plate on the place beside him. I hesitate before taking the seat feeling more self-conscious than I ever have, more so than when I had the meal on the plane yesterday.

 

“These eggs are awesome.” Spiridon says.

 

“Tremendous.” Mr Dashkov agrees.

 

Dimitri lifts a glass and pours some juice. He hands it to me. “Vitamin C.”

 

Did he know the vitamin and nutrient content of everything? I take a sip and sweetness has me gulping down half the glass.

 

“Pass the juice Belikov.” Ben says.

  
“Was Keith any trouble?” Mr Dashkov asks Dimitri who shakes his head and takes a drink from his mug.

 

I lift my toast and nibble on it.

 

“Was he helpful?”

 

“Yes. Rose has to eat her standard three meals and an additional smaller two.” At the mention of my name I stop nibbling. Spiridon and Ben were discussing something and people I didn’t know and weren’t paying attention.

 

“And her arm?”

 

“He gave her a salve to apply every night. Might scar a little.”

 

“What about dental?”

 

“Everything fine.”

 

“You don’t know how lucky you are.” Mr Dashkov says turning to me and I freeze. “Sadly every time I got to the dentist it never ends happily. Do eat up dear, before it gets cold.”

 

I lift my fork and try my best to ignore everybody else as I spear some eggs. When I was little my mother had snuck me some off the pan but that was years ago. I take a bite and all the times I spent sat on a high stool watching my mother cook surface in my mind. Dimitri squirts sauce onto his plate and then offers it to me. I take it.

 

“Did you manage to get through to Natalie last night?”  Dimitri asks Mr Dashkov.

 

“Yes I did. She’s having a wonderful time, I worried at one point she may pass out because she wouldn’t pause to draw breath. They’ve decided to stay on a little longer. The girls are quite taken with Paris. I am glad they are having fun but it does poise us with a bit of a problem…”

 

The saltiness mixed with a smoky taste dances over my tongue as I chew on a piece of bacon.

 

“Good tip.” Spiridon says over the table at me making me still. His mouth is half full and yet he manages to talk around it. “Make a sandwich out of it all. Unreal.”

 

“Do you do that at restaurants? Tell people how to eat?” Ben asks.

 

“I enhance their experience.”

 

“I can imagine.”

 

“I’m not too familiar with women’s… essentials. You have sisters, are you any more in the know?” Mr Dashkov is asking Dimitri who shakes his head.

 

“I could run out and get basics. Shower gels, shampoo and such.”

 

“Maybe Rose could go with you?”

 

Dimitri only moves his head slightly but it indicates a no. I tear off a piece of toast and pair it with some eggs. Spiridon was right, it was good.  It didn’t mean I liked him any better.

 

I finish my eggs and one slice of bacon before my stomach begins to protest. It might not want more but I did….and I still had that oatmeal stuff to eat too.  I push my plate away slightly to make room for the bowl.

 

“Are you done with that?” Spiridon asks and I jump back in my seat.  Beside him Ben is shaking his head and watching him with an exasperated expression. Dimitri and Mr Dashkov have also stopped murmuring.

 

“Leave her be.” Dimitri says.

 

“But she’s done.” Spiridon replies motioning to my plate. “She’s abandoned her bacon.”

 

“ _She’s abandoned her bacon.”_ Ben repeats, closing his eyes as if the whole thing causes him pain.

 

Spiridon looks at me and his blue eyes are wide. “Please can I have your bacon?”

 

I nod just to stop him looking at me. He doesn’t hesitate and reaches across to spear the meat with his fork.

 

“Pig.” Ben comments and Spiridon chews the whole strip, not bothering to cut it up or even put it on his plate.

 

“Yes it is.” He mumbles.

 

Mr Dashkov is staring at him as if he’s never seen him before. Somehow I doubted Spiridon acted any different and it was just not something someone as refined as Mr Dashkov got used to.

 

“My nephew has better manners than you do.” Dimitri says, taking another gulp of coffee. “And he’s a toddler.”

 

Spiridon grins across the table. 

 

Dimitri looks at me from the corner of eye. “Do you want sugar?”

 

I look down at my oatmeal goop. I think it needed all the help it could get… and I wanted sugar. I nod and Dimitri reaches to the centre of the table and lifts a small bowl of it I hadn’t even noticed.  I sprinkle half a teaspoon over it.

 

“Right, today’s business then.” Mr Dashkov says and the effect around the table is instant. They all seem to sit up straighter. The smirk falls off Spiridon’s face and he becomes focused on his boss. “We need to follow up leads to the circle, a contact in Berlin I believe. Ben how is your German?”

 

“Excellent.” He responds evenly, the statement more fact than lack of modesty.

 

I scoop up portion of the goop and work up my courage. I take a bite. It was weird. Sweet. Not awful. Not amazing.

 

“Also we need to contact Natasha. Hopefully Christian has reached her by now. I can only imagine the aggro she is going to get. Then I must follow up with Alexander. I think he has some business at the Academy this week so hopefully we can arrange a meeting. We need more cabinet meetings organised. Then I must confirm with Ellen Kirova about the founders ball so I contact the caterers and such. Is there anything else I’ve forgotten?”

 

“Alice.” Ben prompts.

 

“Check in with Hans on the Ozera’s?” Spiridon suggests.

 

“Dimitri already did that last night and yes I need a session with Alice. Today if possible.” Mr Dashkov says, drumming his fingers against his lips. “Well, we have enough to occupy us for now. I really hope this lead is plausible.  I’m beginning to think Zemy is nothing more than a concocted figure”

 

The third spoonful of oatmeal is the last. I can’t manage anymore or my body will start rejecting it and I really do not want to be sick.

 

Ben, Spiridon and Mr Dashkov stand up simultaneously startling me.

 

“Thank you for breakfast Rose.” Mr Dashkov smiles. “Dimitri could you show her around the house, how to work everything and then come up to my office?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“See you both in a little while.”

 

Spiridon and Ben have already disappeared, leaving their plates behind and I’m glad I have my job presented to me. I drink the last of my juice, my gulp and the crunch of Dimitri’s toast is the only noise.

 

After a moment of debating I set my bowl on the plate and stand up. I balance them as I collect Ben’s and Spiridon’s too.

 

“I could ring the head guardian stationed at Ozera’s if you wanted.” Dimitri says and I stare at him across the table bewildered. “You could speak to your mother.”

 

I swallow and try to clear my head before I dropped the plates. Why was he always throwing me off?

 

“No thank you.”

 

“It’s no trouble.”

 

“It’s less trouble not to.” I say, sharper than I intended.  “Sorry.” I walk away as fast as I can without dropping everything.

 

I make it to the sink and when I turn he’s followed carrying a good lot of what was left.

 

“I was going to do it.” I say.

 

“I know. It’s faster this way though.”

 

“I could manage.”

 

“I know you could.”

 

“Do you?” I inhaling deeply and forcing myself to hold eye contact.

 

He returns my look levelly. “Yes.”

“I don’t like being babied either.”

 

“I can tell. I wouldn’t want to give you a real reason to punch me.”

 

Before my brain can get tangled up in the hazy memory of waking up in the car yesterday, I defend my argument. “You said I was vulnerable.”

 

“Everybody is vulnerable to something.” He responds immediately and puts the dishes on the counter.  “You’re naive Rose. You are bright and pay attention to everything around you but you are vulnerable. Your world was a very small, rigid place before and now it has expanded to be bigger than all of us. You will literally have access to the whole world in a few months and we need to prepare you for it.”

 

I hadn’t expected so many words or words that weighed a lot. I just stare at him and he stares back.

 

“What makes you vulnerable?”

 

He leans back as if my question had pushed him.  He inhales and then nods behind me. “I’ll leave you to the dishes. I have a phone call to make and I’ll leave the salve in your room.”

 

And with that he strides out of the kitchen leaving me standing there completely astounded by everything. Maybe it was better when nobody spoke to me because it gave me no openings to be so utterly stupid. I clear the rest of the table and fill the sink up. Letting my mind shut off and give over to the rhythmic motions of my hands in hot soapy water.

 

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Dimitri doesn’t come back downstairs in the time it takes to wash all the dishes or in the time I dry and put them away.  He was either still making his phone call or I had annoyed him so much with my questions he was ignoring Victors request to show me around the house.

 

 I hope it wasn’t the latter.

 

I wander out of the kitchen and into the living room.  With nobody else around I take the time to look at everything in full and notice what I hadn’t last night. My hand trails along the back of one of the chocolate leather sofa’s as I study the pictures on the wall.

 

One captured a man and woman standing arm in arm at the top of some steps, white fragments raining down around them. The woman wore a simple but yet elegant white dress, fitted expertly to her body and I couldn’t help but marvel over the outline of her figure. Her chest was modest but pert.  I look closer at the man she was smiling adoringly at and realize it was Mr Dashkov, much younger and looking like the happiest man alive. I couldn’t imagine him smiling like that but then again I’d only known him a matter of hours. 

 

The other photographs are in colour. A green eyed baby stares out at me from a woman’s arms, it’s the lady from the other photo and that’s the last photo she appears in. The others feature Mr Dashkov and little dark haired girl with big green eyes the same shade as his. The little girl must be the baby, she must be Natalie.

 

 The rest of the photos show the little girl getting taller and older. Beside a Christmas tree with a huge grin on her face, another in formal clothes that tickle some recognition at the back of my mind and in the last Mr Dashkov appears with her as they sit at a table with four other people, a man and woman who had that air of unity about them, marriage, and a boy and girl. The boy had some resemblance to the man where the girl looked very much like the woman so it was obvious they were their parents. They were all very nice looking but there was something more eye drawing about the girl. Her hair sat in pretty blonde curls over her shoulders and unlike the others she wasn’t looking out of the picture. She was looking at her companions, her expression full of affection. 

 

How nice it must be to have someone care that much about you. They were lucky and she was lucky. These photos were nothing like the cold one’s in the Ozera’s where the people captured stood stiffly or smiled without it touching their eyes. 

 

My eyes drift to baby Natalie in her mother’s arms. There was love in these photos. A sensation pricks my eyes and I turn away from the pictures.

 

I pad round the rest of the living area admiring the textures and fixtures.

 

I mosey over to the glass wall and look out at Mr Dashkov and his daughter’s garden. It was all lit up by fairy lights that are draped between the trees or around their bodies like ivy. Cylinder lights were spiked into the ground between rose bushes and other flowers, illuminating the reds, purples, white, yellow and blues of all the petals around the garden. It was magical looking and I decide that this much perfection must have a touch of magic. Mr Dashkov or Natalie had to be an earth user or maybe they both were.

 

I look up to where the glass reaches the ceiling. How was I going to get up there to clean? I hope they had ladders… or I would have to balance a chair on Dimitri or something.

 

 I giggle to myself and then sigh. I hope he isn’t too mad at me, no, irritated. He didn’t get mad apparently. Thinking about it I guess it was sorta true because even when he threatened Keith or Mistress Ozera he’d done so in a quiet, controlled voice. He had hardly shown any emotion except maybe concern but it was more…practical concern than emotional. I wonder what it would be like to see Dimitri emotional. That’s if he was capable of extreme emotion, emotions seemed a bit useless to someone like Dimitri who had to think and calculate all the time. Had to always be calm and assessing. But Spiridon and Ben joked around…

 

Why was I thinking like I had known these people for a great length of time? Dimitri could be just as lively as the other two for all I knew and was just tired or didn’t find dealing with me particular amusing. That was believable.  Although as I cross the room looking out at the midnight garden I couldn’t accept that Dimitri was anything like Spiridon and Ben.

 

 I think Dimitri is a secret.

 

I turn into the hall that’s behind the stairs, feeling at ease wandering around by myself, and find three doors. The one closest looked completely normal but the other two had silver keypads beside them and I guess the one on the right led out into the garden.  Why was a door to the garden locked like that?

 

_So no one can get in…or get out._

A coldness sinks down into my stomach.

 

 I turn and look at the front door across the foyer. I needed a code for it too.  I didn’t have any need to be outside where I knew it was colder but I didn’t like the idea of not being able to get out. I suppose it wasn’t that much different than being kept inside the barn… that made me feel worse. At least there were others in there. At least I had my mother.  I push her away and look at the door closest to me on the left, it had no keypad.  I reach out for the handle and pull it open.

 

A washing machine, a dryer and utensils for cleaning. Well I guess I’d found my own kind of office. I wonder where in the house Mr Dashkov’s is and when he’d prefer I’d clean it. When he slept probably.  I close the door disappointed I hadn’t discovered something more interesting. 

 

I could go nosy in the fridge and see if –

 

I yelp and jump back.

 

Dimitri was leaning against the banister watching me.

 

“How do you do that?” I demand as I mentally tell my heart to calm down.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Sneak up like that?”

 

“Guardian training. I was going to start giving you the tour but it seems you’ve started it yourself.”

 

I flush and bite down on the instinct to tell him I was bored and he was taking forever.

 

“I finished the dishes.”

 

“Good.”

 

We stand staring at each other. I had the feeling he was waiting for something and I began to rack my brain for something else I was meant to have done but I come up short.

 

His face was infuriatingly blank giving nothing away. I should apologise for snooping or not knowing what he expected me to know.

 

“What?” I blurt out.

 

Oh god.

 

He raises an eyebrow. “I’m just waiting for you to ask, instead of having to push you to ask. I think you’ll learn quicker that way.”

 

I look down at my, her, socks.

 

Was he teasing me or did he know the questions bouncing around in my head? If he’d been watching me being nosy then maybe he did. He was intuitive or I was just obvious in my prying. It could be a trick to reprimand me.

 

I inhale and decide to trust him. “Why are there locks on the doors? I mean more locks. I mean the keypad thing…”

 

“Extra precaution.” He answers without hesitation.

 

He pushes away from the bannister and walks toward me. He’s changed his clothes. Now he wore dark blue jeans, a black t-shirt and his boots.

 

“Victor is bit of a figure right now, trying to push for change. Sometimes people react too strongly to things they don’t want to hear or feel threatened by change. So that in turn puts more of a threat on Victor. There are three guardians’ here and we have the ward boundaries like every Royal household does but better safe than sorry.”

 

I blink. “You’re worried the house will be attacked?”

 

He looks back at me steadily, unconcerned. “It’s been tried before but they didn’t get past the wards.”

 

“And if they did.” I begin, trying to process the fact that people or monsters could be roaming the perimeter of the wards, whose protection was invisible and made me doubt they worked. “They couldn’t just break down the door or break the glass wall?”

 

A glass wall seemed really stupid now.

 

“The glass is reinforced so no human or ammunition could break it. Strigoi can’t touch it because it has earth forged within it, the element closest to nature and life. Strigoi are the undead. They can’t stand it.”

 

“And the doors?”

 

“Would buy us time.” He says walking over to the door on the left and punching in a code quickly. He takes a card from his pocket and swipes it across the top. The keyboard lights up green and he pulls open the heavy door. “To get down here.” He cocks his head toward the entrance and I can see the top of a staircase.  “First stop on the tour.”

 

He begins to descend and after a moment I follow.

 

The stairs lead down into a great expanse of space, one I wasn’t expecting.  There were four more cars down here, all lined up neatly facing a metal shutter and I realize it’s the back of what I’d seen yesterday. 

 

Two cars were sleek and flattened out. One is silver and the other black. How could they be safe so low to the ground? I wanted to find out.  The other two, navy and red, were caught between the jeeps size and the sleek cars. They looked a lot safer. 

 

“Victors garage. Ben spends a lot of time down here tinkering with the cars or with weapons he’s trying to develop.” Dimitri says, standing by the sleek black car.

 

I cast my gaze around. At the other side I see a work bench layered with tools and metal parts. There’s also another computer, its screen wide and thin.

 

Dimitri’s hand is running over the roof of the car delicately, as if it were a cat.

 

“Is that your favourite one?” I ask quietly.

 

He hums in response and then turns to point toward the work bench. “Over there is a hidden door that leads to what is called a panic room. Its walls are infused with earth too to prevent strigoi getting through and it would take a lot for a being with considerably less strength to get in. Even with tools. We can either hide in there until the assailants leave or we can flee. Both situations would require good number of attackers.”

 

“Why?” I ask turning away from my inspection of the red car. It was cute and it reminded me of a lady bug.

 

“There might only be three of us but we are very skilled.”

 

I think back to the manor and the Guardians laying in the yard unconscious. No others had come which meant they couldn’t and were probably unconscious somewhere else. It had always felt like there were so many Guardians at the Ozera’s, always there when you turned around, always watching, always ready to punish.

 

 It seemed impossible that three could have put them all out of action.

 

“You would have to be really stupid to try and break into this house.” I finally say.

 

“Very.”

 

The chill from down here skitters up my back.

 

“Let’s go back upstairs.” He says.

 

I try to get back up the stairs as quickly as I can but my thighs begin to burn with effort and a rubber band tightens around my lungs. When I reach the top I’m doing the best I can not to gasp and drop to my knees and kiss the ground.  The door closes behind me and there’s a quiet but secure beep.

 

“Have you had any water this morning?”

 

Opening my mouth would probably lead to wheezing so I shake my head instead, trying to keep control of deep inhales through my nose. Why was my body acting like this? Lugging sacks from the field to the storage shed never made me like this and they were so heavy. 

 

That’s when I felt it, today’s breakfast sitting proudly in my stomach. I almost wished it wasn’t there.

 

“I want you to drink as much water as you can. A glass with every meal at least.”

 

I was going to ask why then thought better of it. I was being given rules and I could follow rules.

 

I glance across at the keypad guarding the door to the magical garden. He crosses over to it and punches in a sequence I can’t see.  There’s a beep of approval and he pulls the door open a fraction before letting go and turning to me.

 

“Go on ahead. I’ll be out in a minute.”

 

And he walks away, leaving me with an open door to the whole world. 

 

I swallow and reach out for the handle.

_Not the world, just the garden. The world isn’t my problem yet. I’m not ready for the world._

My lips part as my fingers close around the handle and I drag in the necessary breath I’d been denying myself in front of him.

 

A light and charming scent sweeps over me as I pull the door open and colour bursts across my eyes.

 

The glass may have been clear at night when it was not countering the sun but it had somehow dulled the scene behind it. It was like colours had always been dull before and now they were shining in deep purples and bright reds, healthy greens and pure whites. It made me think of the switch in the room I had slept in last night and how I could make the light blaze if I turned it up. Mr Dashkov and his daughter had made their garden blaze.

 

The dampness under my feet made me realize I had wandered out into the middle of the lawn, too captivated by the flowers to be cautious.  The sky above me is a deep navy, dotted by white sparks and wispy, barely there clouds.  I couldn’t believe it was the same sky I had always been under. Worked under, had been terrified under, met monsters and Dimitri under.

 

I wasn’t afraid now…now I felt stilled.  The stars and the twinkling lights threaded through the bushes and trees add to the magic and my eyes close. I breathe deeply. The light floral scents swirling and mixing around me.

 

When I open them I instinctively glance to my left. My heart, too lulled into calm, only stills briefly as Dimitri stares back at me.

 

Wordlessly he holds out a bottle of water and I take it.

 

“Thank you.” I murmur.

 

“You should have put shoes on.”

 

I look down.

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

The moment I say it I realize I shouldn’t have. They were the only pair I had and they weren’t even mine. And now they were damp and dirty.

 

“I hate wet socks.” He says, snapping me out of my thoughts. I look up at him, surprised he’s told me something so trivial but personal, but he’s looking around the flower bed. “Do you like it out here?”

 

I turn away from studying the planes of his profile to a green spiralling plant. “Yes.”

 

“274847.”

 

My face pinches in puzzlement.

 

“The code for the door. Come out whenever you like. Just put shoes on.” He says and takes a step back toward the house.

 

From this side the glass wall is a sheet of shiny black.

 

I follow him back across the lawn and into the house. The door beeps behind me as it closes and gives a sharp click, keeping the world out.

 

Silently I follow him up the stairs, this time he leads and his pace his slow, I’m not sure if its deliberate or not but I’m glad.  I take sips from my water bottle still finding the fullness inside me weird.

 

“These two rooms you know obviously.” He says plainly.

 

He walks down the landing and I follow.

 

“We call this room the library.” Dimitri says, swinging the door open.

 

If I had expected a huge room with walls lined with books and ladders to navigate it then I would have been very disappointed. But I hadn’t expected it because this house was nothing like the one I’d always known. Their library was just a room the size of the one I had slept in, quite big but not monstrously large. Two walls were rowed with books and there was couch and fireplace. The bay window had padded seating and there was an armchair by it. It looked cosy and welcoming. Not a place where engaging with information was terrifying and forbidden.

 

“Feel free to borrow what you like. Take care of what you take.”

 

So many books, help I didn’t think I would have again. They didn’t equal my mother but they were a comfort that I thought I wouldn’t have. The only problem was no one was to know I could read… did he know?

 

 I swallow and stare without seeing into the room. Had I slipped up? He was so observant but perhaps he’d taken it as a given because he was surrounded by people that can read and write…but Dimitri didn’t seem like the type to take anything as a given… he was too clever. 

 

I drag my gaze away from the bookshelf and to his.

 

He knew.

 

He turns away to continue the tour and I mentally slap myself, the physically burn of skin vibrates through my memory as if my mother had been there to physically do it. I had to be more careful.

 

There were no Others to distract or divide attention, there was only me.

 

“Victor’s office.” Dimitri says, indicating the door closest. “It has a door that leads out onto the deck as does the hall.”

 

We pass Victors office and it’s clear that the room is not to be entered unless necessary… when was it necessary to clean it though?

 

Before this can trouble me too much we pass the next flight of stairs and continue down the hallway and the wall to my right changes to glass. The deck Dimitri had mentioned and the balcony I had seen from the driveway yesterday. The deck ran the rest of the hall, as did the glass but in the middle was a door that led out to it. I had an inkling at the back of my mind that deck meant something to do with wood but there was nothing wooden about the deck. There was a table and some comfortable looking chairs and getting closer to the glass I could see the night sky spread out above, stars twinkling peacefully.

 

I suppose Mr Dashkov went out there to relax or clear his head. It certainly looked like it would work. It would even be lovely in the day but obviously not to him.

 

“No keypad?”

 

Dimitri glances at me. “We don’t have to worry about anyone falling over, now that Natalie is old enough. Or do I have to rethink the issue?”

 

“Of course not.”  I say with more attitude than I should.

 

The door across the hall opens and Ben steps out.  I look from him to Dimitri, to the floor.

 

“Showing Rose around then?” He says in a bright voice.

 

Dimitri doesn’t speak so I imagine he nods.

 

“Well my room is pretty tidy but if there’s anything lying around just throw it wherever so it’s not in your way.” 

It takes me a moment to work out why I would be throwing his possessions anywhere and then I remember the purpose in which I’m here for. 

“Oh and the ah, teddy bear isn’t a personal touch. Ex-girlfriend…should really throw it away.”

 

“It’s only been a few days.” Dimitri responds.

 

“No, I think it’s over this time.”

 

“You said that last time.”

 

“This time it’s different.” Ben says and there’s almost a whiny note in his voice.

 

 It was still incredible to me that Guardians had emotions. Ben who seemed very precise and organised sounding…vulnerable was weird.

 

Too much had been weird in such a short space of time.

 

 “She threw the baby book at me just because I said we shouldn’t be bringing kids into the world when we couldn’t agree on things.”

 

“That sounds reasonable.”

 

“I know right? I want a few more years before starting a family.”

 

I think they’d forgotten I was there. I still had the ability to remain invisible at least.

 

“And she doesn’t want to wait anymore?”

 

Ben sighs. “She worried about how much could change in a few years… especially in our line of work.”

 

“That’s also reasonable… couldn’t you balance both?”

 

“Not while working here. I’d be in two minds.”

 

Listening to them chatting about children and families made hollowness open up in my stomach. What kind of father would Ben be? Would he be like Master Ozera, cold and polite … I didn’t think so.

 

The happy pictures from downstairs whirl through my mind.

 

“Anyway.” Ben says, his tone snapping back to normal. “Voda called, I’m running out to be an extra escort from the airport. Victor wants you to translate some things for him when you’re done showing our new house mate around.”

 

I look up and Ben winks at me. Flustered I look away, it was a friendly wink but it was still something I had no idea what to do with or how to reciprocate. 

 

“I know. I’ll be there shortly.”

 

“Good luck with Spiridon’s room, Rose. You might find a case file that we’ve been looking for that he denies ever having. Later Belikov.”

 

Ben walks away down the corridor, pausing to stick his head into Mr Dashkov office.

 

“That’s Spiridon’s room at the end.  Beside Ben’s room is the house’s security room, then a restroom. Upstairs is Victor and Natalie’s suites.  Do you want me to show you up there?”

 

I nod and he leads me back down the hall to the stairs that will take us up to the last floor of the house. Two doors meet us at the top on either side of the hall and I realize both rooms take up the entire floor.

 

Mr Dashkov’s room was simple but immaculate. Dark wood, rich purples and white. He had a desk up here also, laden with a computer and stationary. Book shelves line the wall behind it and a door I guess was his personal bathroom also.  Two armchairs sat proudly in front of a grand fireplace.  I do a quick once over and avert my gaze to the floor wondering why he didn’t work up here instead of in his office.

 

Natalie’s room made me the most uncomfortable but it was by far the most interesting. Nothing was immaculate and stepping into her room made me feel like I was under attack by the girl herself. 

 

Each wall was a different colour, blue, green, lilac and one with a white background but in the middle someone had started a mural of orange and golds. A sunrise…how incredible someone could capture it…and it was beautiful even though unfinished.

 

Her bed covers were multi-coloured and little lights were wrapped around her bed frame.  Clothes littered her floor and shoes spilled out of huge closet like we’d caught them in the middle of their escape.

 

 Pictures are tacked to her blue wall, a mess of groups and individual shots of young people. One girl appeared continuously. Natalie.  I couldn’t help but think her green eyes were permanently excited.

 

I had bravely crossed this girl’s room that was brimming with so much personal information and pieces of her life, drawn to the photos although I should know better than to be nosy.  My eyes roam over the photographs that were almost on top of each other, peeking into Natalie’s vibrant life. I pause on the photo of Natalie’s arm draped around another girl with bright gold curls. Natalie’s smile is so huge it’s almost funny but her friend was smiling in a quiet way. Not shy exactly but more… reserved. She was in other photos too I saw now, with other people, some boys.  I notice that mostly the same people reoccur in every photo and that one boy is always touching Natalie in some way. Her hand, her waist, shoulder or smiling at her.

 

My favourite one is one that must have been taken without her or her friends knowing. Natalie and the blonde girl along with others are all laughing, turned away from the shot and looking at a boy with red hair who is making a stupid face and holding a banana to his ear like a telephone.

 

“Natalie is very popular.” Dimitri says quietly.

 

“She’s in the photographs downstairs.” I point to the pretty girl with gold hair.

 

He steps up beside me, his eyes finding the girl in question.

 

“Vasilisa Dragomir. Her father and Victor are very good friends, almost family if not already.”  His finger hovers over a picture. “That is her brother Andre.”

 

How did you become family without sharing blood?

 

 I turn away from the photos.  Other pieces of Natalie’s life were prizes on her walls but I didn’t understand them. A silk item with “Homecoming Queen” written on it and bigger pictures like one’s I had saw on buildings as we’d driven to the plane. A man half dressed in one and in another a group of boys, all clothed, with “One Direction” written underneath. 

 

I wanted to know what it all meant but it was overwhelming and I felt angry in this room. Like I was being teased.

 

“I wish I could say Natalie’s room would the messiest to deal with but I have a feeling Spiridon’s will be the worst.”

 

I turn to him and find he’s moved back to the doorway. He didn’t like being in here either I thought but why?

 

“What about your room?” I ask, making my way over. I didn’t want to be in here anymore either.

 

We step out into the hall and he closes Natalie’s door.

 

“You don’t have to worry about my room.” He says, turning away and starting down the stairs.

 

I follow close behind.

 

“No, you don’t seem like a messy person.” I murmur.

 

He turns so suddenly I almost fall back on the steps in surprise. 

 

His dark eyes are sharp in his blank face. “My meaning was you don’t have to trouble yourself with my bedroom.”

 

He may as well have shouted at me. I swallow and nod.  He starts back down the stairs and after a moment I follow, my heart beating harder in my chest.  It reminded me that I’d been stupid enough again to think I had found some steady ground only for it to turn rocky beneath me.

 

Why didn’t he want me in his room? I knew better than to ask…but I hated the thought that he was trying to baby me. To spare me from doing a chore as if he was doing me a favour, like he had done this morning with breakfast.  I’d glanced a little bit of his room then…

 

When I reach the landing Dimitri is already standing at Mr Dashkov’s office door, talking too low for me to hear.  I was still reeling from his abrupt order and I shouldn’t be. I should expect abruptness and being snapped at. I shouldn’t feel this…upset about it.

 

 I need to stop relaxing around him.

 

I shuffle down the hall intending to go back to the room until further instruction. Or I could take closer look at the cleaning products and I start with the kitchen and-

 

“Rose.” I twitch and glance up at Dimitri.

 

Past him Mr Dashkov is sat behind a large mahogany desk.

 Mr Dashkov smiles. “Rose dear, please come here a moment.”

 

I watch my feet cross over the cream carpet to the dark wood of his office.  The warm masculine smell that I know is Dimitri presses against me as I pass over the threshold but disappears as the door closes.

 

 He’d left.

 

My bones lock up.

 

“Why don’t you sit down dear?”

 

It’s not a question.

 

I gingerly sit down in the seat facing him, sinking into the soft cushion.  There’s a soft ticking noise punctuating the room.

 

“You don’t have to be afraid. No one’s going to harm you here.” He says gently. “I know that might be hard for you to believe now but you have my word.  Myself and the boys, I probably shouldn’t call them that…but we are nothing like the Ozera’s or their employees. Not many are in our world which is a terrible misfortune you have suffered. I hope you grow comfortable here and if anything makes you uncomfortable I want you tell me, Rose.” 

 

 My name acts as leverage to lift my gaze and meet his. The green eyes I’d been looking at in Natalie’s photos are looking at me now in sincerity over his steepled fingers. 

 

“Promise me, that if something is ever wrong you will tell me or one the boys, no matter how trivial.”

 

“I promise.”

 

Mr Dashkovs shoulders relax as if an issue had been weighing on him and now was resolved. He lowers his hands to the desk and claps them.  “Thank you. So, did you sleep well?”

 

I nod and realize how lacking it is but I can’t bring myself to say thank you.

 

“I’m glad you like your new room. Don’t be afraid to style it to your tastes.  I know green isn’t a very exciting colour so when Natalie’s back she can help you choose some new paint. She’s very interested in that sort of thing. Did Dimitri show you her room? It looks like a rainbow and forever 21 exploded in there.”

 

He chuckles softly and my bones begin to relax. His dark hair had a nice shine to it but there was darkness under his eyes that contrasted with the pallor of his skin. It hadn’t been that pale yesterday.

 

“What is your favourite colour?” He asks smiling.

 

Weight presses down on my chest. I’m allowed to do this now, allowed to speak, to think, be honest.

 

“Purple. Maybe red.” I answer quietly.

 

“Very strong colours.” He remarks. “Passionate and regal, how interesting. I’m sure Natalie and you can brainstorm some ideas.”

 

“I like green. In the room… I like it.” My cheeks are heating up.

 

He cocks his head to the side. “You don’t want to change it? Don’t worry about offending me, Dear.”

 

I lick my dry lips. “It reminds me of outside. I like it.”

 

“Oh.” He says simply and I knot my hands together in my lap.

 

 “Did you notice the private garden at breakfast? It’s not very big, not like…what you are accustomed to but you can have access to it. Absolutely.”

 

I remain quiet as he tells me the code, thinking it wrong to tell him that Dimitri had already given me this privilege as it might not have been his to give.

 

“Thank you.” I murmur. “I did notice it earlier. It’s beautiful.”

 

Mr Dashkov’s smiles had been polite but the one he gives me now in response softens his face.

 

“Thank you. It is mine and Natalie’s project. Something we started some years ago.”

 

His eyes see something that isn’t here but then he blinks back into the present, his smile disappearing.

 

He coughs gently. “That is the only code I can tell you for now I’m afraid. Having seen the whole house do you think you will be able to handle tending to it?”

 

I nod my head. Glad he’d turned to a subject with familiar ground.

 

“I don’t expect everything to be pristine every day, just neat. As for meals I have to say having breakfast to look forward to would be excellent, as would dinner. Anything else we can fend for ourselves.  Oh but I do like my coffee fix… would you mind? If Dimitri shows you how to make it?”

 

“Not at all, Sir.”

 

I’m so relieved by having tasks set that I don’t immediately recognise how his shoulders have tensed.

 

“Rose.”  He says quietly. “You can call me Victor.”

 

Dimitri had told me to call him that too but it didn’t seem right. I didn’t have right to his name. He was moroi, my superior.

 

“Really Dear, I’d prefer it. ‘Sir’ being used inside my home gives me some anxiety. A home is where we can relax. Please, call me Victor.”

 

My tongue is lead so I nod. 

 

His lips quirk up.

 

“If you call me ‘Sir’ I will in return call you ‘Miss’”

 

My face spasms.

 

“See? Sounds completely ridiculous doesn’t it?”

 

There’s a light tap on the door and my shoulders twitch.

 

“Come in.” Mr Dash – Victor, calls. He leans back in his chair, his face politely composed.

 

Dimitri enters carrying a steaming mug.

 

“Thank you Dimitri. White, three sugars and a little bit of cream.”  Victor says, casting me an amused glance.  I mentally note the description.

 

“Ben says Voda has gone straight to the school and after is going back to the hotel. He’ll check in with us tomorrow.” Dimitri reports.

 

Victor nods around his mug.

 

“Okay, good. Did Spiridon call Alice?”

 

“Yes, she’ll be here at one.”

 

“Seems a bit late for her.” Victor frowns.

 

“She’s on over time.”

 

“Ah.”

 

“Ben said you wanted me to translate some scripts?”

 

“Yes, yes.” Victor says putting down his mug. “I was just finishing up with Rose.”

 

Dimitri looks at me for the first time since coming in and I look away.

 

 There was a large frame behind Victor’s chair that held multiple small portraits with loopy writing underneath them. Names I realized. With a jolt I think I decode ‘Dashkov’ and following a thread that connects to another name I see ‘Dragomir’.  

 

“Just a few other little things.” Victor says, drawing my attention. “If there are any essentials you require in the time being let us know.  Uh, clothes and toiletries and such.”

 

That word again, ‘essentials’. I had no idea what they meant by it. Clothes… well I had borrowed clothes.  I didn’t need anything else. As for toiletries there was soap in the bathroom I had used this morning, what else could I need?  I glance at Dimitri for some hint or indication but he’s reading through some papers.

 

I shake my head.

 

Mr Dashkov looks relieved. “We’ll let Natalie sort that out then when she returns home, which should be the day after next. But if you do think of anything don’t be afraid to ask. One last thing then…” Mr Dashkov’s voice drops down at the end and Dimitri’s gaze slides away from the page to my face.

 

Mr Dashkov says my name and when I look back at him I feel like a magnet being drawn toward another. I can’t look away from his jade green eyes and the room around us blurs. I should be afraid but I’m not. I am utterly calm, boneless and weightless. Nothing else exists but him.

 

“Are you relaxed Rose?”

 

“I’m relaxed.” I murmur lazily.

 

Mr Dashkov smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes which are utterly trained on mine.

 

“Good…now listen closely. While you are staying here you’re going to overhear a lot of things that could be valuable in the wrong people’s hands. People that wish to undermine me and what I’m working toward. Dimitri tells me you’re intuitive Rose, so here’s what I want you to for me.  If ever you are approached and asked about my business in a way you think is shady I want you to report it to me. In the same instance I want you to respond to those who inquire that you do not know what they are talking about or cannot help them. You change the subject and then when you are free of their presence you come to me. Do you understand?”

 

“I understand.”

 

“Secondly, unless you are discussing the subject with myself, Ben, Spiridon or Dimitri you will forget the name Zemy.  You will forget discussions about ‘the circle’ and about leads, contacts or information you have overheard concerning the former.  You will forget.”

 

Of course I would forget.  The instructions were sinking into my mind like a stone in water.

 

“Do you understand Rose?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Okay then.  Now - ”

 

“Victor.” A blurred voice interrupts.

 

Mr Dashkov doesn’t look away from me, his gaze keeping me anchored, but he cocks his head to the left as he listens to the stranger’s voice.

 

“She needs to be comfortable in taking things from the kitchen. I can’t watch her all the time. She needs to follow Keith’s plan. And drink water regularly.” 

 

Mr Dashkov nods and I almost nod too.

 

“Rose whenever you’re hungry or think you can manage to eat a little more do not hesitate to take whatever you like from the kitchen.  And drink water throughout the day. Okay?”

 

“Okay.”

 

“Good.” Mr Dashkov smiles. “Now, forget we have had this conversation”

 

I shut my eyes and the sensation you get when waking comes over me.

 

Yano, how you’re utterly boneless until you realize you’re waking up and become aware of the weight of your body. 

 

I open my eyes and blink.

 

Mr Dashkov is smiling at me.

 

Dimitri is reading the papers in his hands.

 

“I’m sorry.” I say, trying to pull back the last thing we’d spoken about. Calling him by his name?

 

“I was just saying what lovely hair you have.” Mr Dashkov says. “I haven’t seen a dhampir, or young lady for that matter, with such long hair in a long time.”

 

I look down at the dark locks draped over my shoulders. 

 

“Thank you.” I murmur.

 

Looking back up I see Dimitri’s gaze has slid over in my direction again, studying my hair. He looks back to his papers.

 

“That’s everything Rose. If you could prepare something for around three that would be wonderful and if you have any questions you know where to find me.”

 

I hesitate for a moment before letting the dismissal push me out of the chair.  Mr Dashkov was turning on his computer and Dimitri was already talking to him about the papers he was holding. I slip out of the room and into the hall.  The house was quiet with the exception of muffled noise from below that after a moment I recognise as staged noise, like the TV.

 

Ben was away so that meant Spiridon was down stairs. I decide to go back to the room I’d stayed in last night. Maybe later I could muster up the courage to go down but right now I couldn’t face Spiridon alone.  When I reach the room I glance over at Dimitri’s door before pushing the other open.

 

I shut the door behind me and I lean against it, admiring my surroundings and letting myself relax. It wasn’t the garden but it was as good as.

 

Today had been okay. I was surviving and I was learning how to handle the people here.

 

The only thing I was expected to do today was prepare dinner and that had to be some time away. I wasn’t very good with time. It had been harder for my mother to teach it to me. It wasn’t like we could hide a clock.  Thankfully I was okay with egg timers and minutes, basics like that I could use in the kitchen but reading time and telling it as in marking the point of day was…tricky.

 

I push away from the door deciding to practice on the small clock that was on the bedside table. I’m halfway across the room when I see what has been keeping it company.  I sit down on the bed slowly and reach out for it. It’s small and sturdy in my hands. The plastic creases under my prying fingers and then comes off.  The smell of chocolate tickles my nose and a smile tugs at my lips as I cradle the dessert in my lap.

 

/

 

Eight turns to nine on the clock, the largest digit. It read 01:29 and I was nearly positive that it was an hour and thirty minutes until three O’clock. Half of three was 1.5 so two made three right? I bite my lip as the nine turns to zero.  Well I could always go and prepare what I needed to make or find out preferences.

 

I roll off the bed which I had decided was going to be my new friend. I mean if I was being allowed to sleep in here every night then we would be spending a lot of time together. It was going to see me at my most vulnerable and comfort me and know what dreams tugged at my hair. I think it’s only fair that I respect and appreciate it.

 

I tie my hair up into a soft knot and step out into the hall. I listen for voices or noises from below but I can’t hear anything distinguishable. Earlier there had been low voices passing my room but I had been in the bathroom considering my reflection and hadn’t paid attention…I probably should have.

 

A voice that sounded terribly like my mother’s begins scolding me and I wince.

 

The door down the hall opens and I jump.

 

Spiridon comes out of Mr Dashkov’s office with a woman tucked under his arm. I press back against my door and blindly search for the handle. 

 

He spots me and my hand stops in its search. He looks away uninterested and I take a deep breath. He murmurs something to the woman who he seems to be trying to lead. The woman was older than me but younger than Mr Dashkov and by the blissed out look on her face it became apparent that Spiridon was the only thing keep her upright.

 

A wire coil around my chest unwinds and the echo of an urge to go to her and help disappears.  She didn’t need the kind of help I’d risk pushing a Guardian into a wall for. The realization that I’d thought about attacking him is like a slap. I snap out of it as they pass me.

 

The woman grins dopily at me.

 

“Such a pretty girl.” She drawls out.

 

“Yes she is.” Spiridon says dismissively. “Let’s get you home Alice. The cat will be missing you.” 

 

“Oooooh Tiger! I love my little Tiger.”

 

Spiridon sighs and the arm around her waist tightens as he takes them down the first step. It takes them a long time to reach the bottom. I stay where I am, listening to the woman’s strange babbling and Spiridon’s docile replies.

 

“You!” The woman exclaims from below and I creep closer to the mouth of the stairs. “You are so tall. Like a tree. I could climb you like Tiger climbs a tree.”

 

There’s a noise like someone blowing air through tight lips followed by a laugh.

 

“Goodnight Alice.” Dimitri’s says.

 

“C’mon, you’re in no condition to climb anything. No matter how badly that tree needs it.” Spiridon says, his voice holding back more laughter.

 

I come down a few steps and see Dimitri closing the front door. He looks up at me and nods before walking into the kitchen.

 

 I come down the rest of the stairs and follow.

 

He’s pouring coffee into two mugs.  I wrap my arms around myself.

 

“Who was that woman?”

 

“Alice.”

 

He adds milk and sugar to one mug, leaving the other black.

 

“Victor’s feeder.”  He adds and tilts his head toward me. I get the feeling he’s waiting for me to grasp something.

 

My lips part. “Oh.”

 

I no longer see Dimitri or the kitchen. I see puncture marks on my mother’s neck.  The vacancy in her eyes and her shaking hands hours later.  I see a body pressing another to the ground, a mouth locked onto a neck.

 

“Rose?”

 

I blink and Dimitri is what I see.

 

I look down at the hand resting lightly on my shoulder. It lifts so only the calloused fingertips are touching me.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I step away from him, my hands curling into fists.

 

“What did he do to her?” My voice is barely a whisper because of fear but it sounds cold.

 

Dimitri’s eyebrows knit closer together. “He fed from her.”

 

His dark eyes drop from my face to my hands.

 

“Alice has been Victors’ feeder for many years. He pays fairly for her services, once every week. It is consensual and either can end the arrangement at any time.”

 

He must have some idea to what I’m thinking and that frightens me even more.

 

“She…she was human.”

 

“Yes.”

 

I can’t look at him anymore. Not when his face is coaxing me to understand something I can’t, something that’s making my stomach churn and my head feel light.

 

“Rose, it’s mutual.  I promise.”

 

A hot buzz rockets up my spine and onto my tongue. 

 

“You haven’t explained your other promise.”

 

There was a light bandage around his hand now and as I glare at it his fingers curl inward. He takes a deep breath.

 

“Sit at the bar. I’ll get you some juice.”

 

I didn’t want juice.  I wanted to run out of the room.

 

 His boots move away and I’m glaring at the kitchen tiles instead. I hear him open the fridge and as my cheeks portray my embarrassment I do as he asks and go to a bar stool. I slide up onto it and he sets the orange carton down on the counter.

 

“Moroi need blood to sustain them. Means of doing that can be more…civil than others.” He says flatly and I hear another cupboard open.

 

I put together what Dimitri called ‘civil’ and contrasted to what I had seen growing up. And though I knew in my bones what I had seen was wrong who was to say that it wasn’t by their means ‘civil’.

 

The moroi came first.

 

He sets a glass down in front of me making me look up. His expression had opened somehow, it was less guarded and I could read it in his eyes that he was willing to be honest with me but how honest and for how long wasn’t clear.

 

He speaks softly. “From your reaction I’m going to venture that your experience or knowledge of this isn’t a pleasant one but I swear the handling of the situation is as fair as can be.”

 

He opens the carton and I realize he’s set out two glasses. He pours them and without thinking I give into an urge to reach out and take a glass. I stare down at it cupped in my hands surprised like I wasn’t sure how it had gotten there. Before I can think too much about it I lift it to my lips. The sweetness clears my head.

 

“Does it hurt her?” I mumble.

 

Shame of the disrespect I’d shown him settles on my shoulders but the need to know, to understand more, was stronger than the voice in my head telling me to shut up.

 

He pauses and I look up.

 

His dark eyes are watching me intently and I get the feeling he’s relieved. “No, it certainly doesn’t hurt her but it can harm her.”

 

My stomach drops. “How?”

 

He leans down to balance his elbows on the counters surface, putting us on the same level.

 

“A moroi’s bite doesn’t hurt because of how the venom within the fangs reacts to blood. Instead of pain the recipient of the bite feels pleasure, a high unlike any other. It’s euphoric.” Dimitri looks ahead as if seeing something that isn’t in the room with us. “That kind of euphoria can easily become addictive. The recipient could abuse their bodies own need for blood in exchange for the high. They can then die from blood loss or from organ failure as their bodies denied the nutrients it needs. And the worst part is they won’t even realize they’re dying because the venom’s made them feel so good.”

 

He takes a drink and I watch the muscles move in his throat, trying to block out my mother’s shaking hands.

 

“That’s why Alice only comes once a week. She has enough time between sessions to not become seriously addicted. ” He says and takes another sip.

 

“But she is addicted.” I say.

 

He glances at me and lowers the glass. “You are bright. Yes, she is but that addiction built over many years and for a better word, it’s stable.”

 

I try to remember if Master Ozera allowed my mother one week. I couldn’t make myself believe he did.

 

“As for this.” He says quietly, toying with the tie of his bandage. “You know what I promised. You heard me.”

 

I had heard him but there was more and there were whys. I lick my lips about to ask when he straightens up and moves away.

 

“I’m taking this up.” He says, grabbing one of the steaming mugs.

 

I sip my juice trying to wrap my mind around how some of the things I’d had nightmares about had happened here and that they could be called ‘civil’. I play with my mother’s chain around my throat, the pendant tapping between my fingers.

 

I finish my juice deciding that I wasn’t going to try and understand it and I was only going to ask Dimitri one more thing.

 

 I hop off the stool and wander over to fridge, stamping on the panic inside.  I pour myself another glass of juice and put the carton back. I’m about to shut the door when I spot yoghurt on the second shelf. I bite my lip before picking one up. Lemon. I pick up a few others before deciding on caramel. I’d never had caramel.

 

I’m looking for a spoon when the front door swings open.

 I jump and lose my grip on the carton. My fingers fumble hopelessly with it before it hits the floor. It’s like common sense clicks in my head and I stare down at the pot horrified by what I’ve done.

 

“Shit. Sorry Rose, didn’t mean to scare you.” Ben says, closing the door behind him.

 

“I – I.” What the hell had I done? Just taken it without asking, without thinking.

 

Ben walks over and scoops up the pot and turns it over in his hands. My own begin to shake.

 

“Didn’t burst.” He says and holds it out to me smiling.

 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t, I don’t know why I did that. I’m sorry.”

 

The grin slips off his mouth and his eyebrows furrow. He’s realized what I’d done, how I’ve become so greedy after only being here a day.

 

“Hey, it’s okay.”

 

His hand moves out and I stumble back into the sink.

 

“Rose it’s okay!”

 

“What’s going on?”  Dimitri’s voice lashes out, cutting through the turbulence in my head.

 

“I don’t know! She just started freaking out.”

 

“Rose.”  He kneels down beside me and I flinch. “Rose, calm down.”

 

Ben says something and his boots retreat from the kitchen.

 

“Look at me.”

 

His voice is gentle but the order underlines it. I make my eyes find his.

 

“Talk me through this.” He says.

 

I open my mouth but words can’t find an opening through the gasps. His bandaged hand takes my numb fingers and lifts them to his chest. The steady rhythm of his heartbeat presses against my palm and sinks into my blood. The steadiness reaches my chest and quietens my frantic heart like it had in the woods.

 

My breathing calms.

 

“Sorry.” I whisper.

 

“It’s okay. You’re okay.” He says.

 

He lets go of my hand and takes my shoulders, lifting me to my feet.

 

“Now, talk me through this. What happened?”

 

I spy the yoghurt on the counter where Ben must have put it. Dimitri follows my gaze.

 

“I took it.” I whisper. “I don’t know why but I did and Ben came in and I dropped it.”

 

He exhales. “I told you you’re allowed to take what you want from in here.”

 

“But I didn’t even think about it or ask anyone.”

 

“You don’t have to ask.”

 

I didn’t feel as frightened anymore but I did feel very stupid. I rub my head and take a deep breath.

 

“I just… I just.”

 

“It will take time.” He says quietly and I look up at him. If I didn’t know better and judging by the last ten minutes I didn’t, I would say there was a touch of sadness in his eyes.  “To get used to how things are now.”

 

“Dimitri.” I whisper. “Will Alice be the only…feeder?”

 

It takes a moment but understanding dawns in his eyes.  The hands on my shoulders tighten. “Yes.”

 

The weight in my chest evaporates and I let out the breath I’d been holding in.

 

He lets go of my shoulders and steps away. He picks up the yoghurt and holds it out to me. I look from it to him.

 

“If you want something, you take it.”

 

I take it.

 

//

 

Tasting caramel was like seeing Victors garden or sleeping in the bed. It was incredible and I had to keep fighting the urge to get another. It was an urge that was easier to fight with the distraction of the TV. I was sitting at one end of the sofa and Ben was sprawled in the other.  He’d brushed off my apology after I’d worked up the courage to leave the kitchen and insisted I sit down and become a ‘vegetable’ with him.

 

 I didn’t know what he meant.

 

We were watching F.R.I.E.N.D.S and even though I didn’t understand parts that made Ben laugh, I liked it.

 

“Ah, the old ones are the best one.” Ben tells me, slouching down lower.

 

I get up to go check on the Bolognese I’d left on a low heat and to start the pasta.  I wasn’t sure how much I should use but decide that having more would be better than having less. Once that’s cooking I start grating cheese.

 

“It smells so damn good down here!” Spiridon yells and I hear him on the stairs.

 

In a matter of seconds he appears in the doorway. “How long Master chef?”

 

I take a breath. “About ten minutes.”

 

It would be ready for exactly three O’clock.

 

“Awesome! Is there garlic bread?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“SWEET!”

 

“Do you need help with anything?” Dimitri asks, striding past Spiridon to the sink where he dumps two mugs.

 

“No, I’m managing. Thank you.”

 

“Need the table set?” He asks, turning on the faucet.

 

“On it!” Spiridon says. “Hey Ben, how about getting off your ass and doing something useful!”

 

I protest but it falls short as Spiridon gathers cutlery and Ben sorts out drinks.

 

“Wanna beer?” Ben asks Dimitri.

 

“Yes.” He responds lifting down plates.

 

I start spooning out the pasta.

 

“Something smells delicious.” I hear Mr Dashkov say from the hall and pride swells in my chest.

 

Dimitri lifts the two plates I’ve just spooned Bolognese on to and it seems we’re carrying on our routine rom this morning. I know better than to fight him on this so I bite my tongue and lift out the bread from the oven. Everything smells so good.  Dimitri comes back and takes another two plates wordlessly.  I separate the garlic bread up in a dish and carry it and my own plate into the dining room, trying not to think about the excess pasta let in the pot.

 

I’d made far too damn much.

 

I approach the table and see the last space set was next to Dimitri again. That made me grateful and anxious at the same.

 

 I’d barely placed the bread dish in the middle when Spiridon snatches the biggest piece.

 

“This is so good, Rose.” Ben says.

 

I try not to grin and just nod, picking up my own fork.

 

“It really is.” Dimitri adds quietly and takes a drink from his bottle.

 

The grin wins the fight but I hide it behind my glass of water.

 

“One problem though.” Spiridon says, one cheek bulging out the side of his face.

 

The grin disappears and the others all pause, even Mr Dashkov’s glass pauses in the air.

 

Spiridon looks around. “We’re all gonna stink of garlic.”

 

“Well, it will keep the vampires away.” Mr Dashkov replies.

 

They all laugh. Dimitri shakes his head but he’s smiling. Mr Dashkov shoots me a grin and then he and Ben start discussing someone called Voda who would be here tomorrow.  I take a bite of my food and resist the urge to moan.

 

Maybe I could manage it, survival but if I couldn’t I was definitely going to enjoy the food in the meantime.

 

After dinner Ben stays behind in the kitchen to show me how to use the dishwasher.

 

“And you put the tablet in here. Simple.”

 

I bite the inside of my cheek.

 

“What?”

 

“It just seems…lazy.” I say quietly.

 

“You just made dinner for five you can afford to be lazy.” He says grinning. “What are we going to do with all that pasta though.”

 

I glance nervously at the bowl in question.

 

“I could make a pasta salad?”

 

“Eh, whatever you want.”

 

I lift the bowl and put it in the fridge, trying to breathe around my filled stomach.  I was relieved I didn’t have to do anything if I was honest. Any sudden movement and I might burst open.

 

“Rose, could you pass me the milk.” Dimitri says, coming into the room and flicking the coffee machine on.

 

They drank so much of that stuff.

 

“Want one?” Dimitri asks Ben, taking the milk from me.

 

“Nah.” Ben says and hops up onto the counter. “Do like coffee Rose?”

 

I shake my head.

 

Ben’s face suddenly splits into a grin that makes me nervous. “I know what you’d like. Dude, do we Hot Chocolate?”

 

Dimitri scans the cupboard. “No. I’ll write it on the shopping list.”

 

“Damn. I would have liked to have seen your face.” Ben says. “Oh and get whipped cream.”

 

“Obviously.” Dimitri says.

 

He leans against the counter and pulls his hair back, snapping a hair tie around it. I’d never seen a man have a ponytail before, never thought about it but looking at Dimitri it made me think more men should wear it that way. Then again I doubted it would look right on everybody. Maybe it only looked right on him.

 

He reaches for two clean mugs and my gaze drops to the markings on the back of his neck.  I’d seen them before on other Guardians but only quick peeks. I hadn’t been able to see that they looked like small lightning bolts.

 

“Do you know what they are?” Ben asks, having noticed my ogling.

 

I look down as Dimitri turns and shake my head.

 

“Molnija marks. They count for every strigoi a Guardian’s killed.”

 

I look up at Dimitri. “So you’ve killed six?”

 

He nods.

 

“No.” Ben frowns and then turns to Dimitri. “Seven. We haven’t inked you for the Ozera’s.”

 

“We can do it after I’ve taken this upstairs.” Dimitri replies, pouring out the coffee.

 

“How are you going to do it?” I ask Ben after Dimitri leaves with the drinks.

 

“You’ll see.” He grins, walking away. “Go wait in the living room for us.”

 

I wipe down the counters and then go perch on one of the chairs. I lift the black remote that controls the TV but I’m not sure which buttons to press so I put it back down. Ben comes back first carrying something shaped like a gun but the fixtures are different. He also has a packet of wipes.

 

Dimitri returns downstairs and sits down on the sofa. His ponytail had been tied up higher leaving his neck exposed. Ben takes out one of the wipes and rubs it over Dimitri’s neck. I shift to the edge of my seat for a better look. Ben lift the gun and I jump as it suddenly comes to life with a loud buzzing noise.

 

“You good man?” Ben says.

 

Dimitri nods.

 

Ben moves the end of the gun that’s tapered to a thin needle toward Dimitri’s neck.

 

“Does it hurt?” I ask, more fascinated than anything.

 

“Nah.” Ben says as the needle makes contact with Dimitri’s tan skin. I tense but Dimitri doesn’t react at all.

 

The needle stains the skin black and slowly Ben begins forming the shape of the other six marks.

 

“Why is that one different?” I ask, pointing to the mark in the centre of the six. It was like a stretched out ‘S’

 

Dimitri answers. “A promise mark. It means I’ve completed my training.”

 

“A promise to what?”

 

“To do our duty.” Ben replies.

 

I watch the needle staining his skin, making what happened that night in the woods a physical memory that would always be branded on his skin. The skin around the mark has gone pink and although Ben said it didn’t hurt it had to be somewhat uncomfortable.

 

“Done.” Ben announces and slaps Dimitri’s shoulder. “Want anything else why I’m here? A butterfly maybe? Rachael’s name?”

 

I feel rather than see Dimitri roll his eyes.  Ben grins and rips off some gauze he’s also brought. He tapes it onto Dimitri’s neck.

 

“You’ll be right as rain in the morning.”

 

Dimitri only nods.

 

“What does a butterfly mark mean?” I ask and they both turn to me.

 

There’s a pause and then Ben answers.

 

“Means ‘Virgin’.”

 

I blink.

 

Ben bursts out laughing and Dimitri shakes his head. It clicks he’s messing with me and my cheeks flame.

 

“Sorry.” Ben says looking anything but.

 

I mutter something that should have told them I was going to bed but even to my own ears it was ridiculous. I would guess they figured it out when I half run toward the stairs.

 

 

///

 

The next morning I don’t knock on Dimitri’s door. I get dressed in her clothes and check the time, it was an hour earlier than yesterday but they had slept late then.  I go down to the kitchen and after deliberating I decide on eggs again but this time fried with sausages, toast and tomatoes.

 

I flick on the coffee machine and hear a faint noise from upstairs, like a door opening. Seconds later Dimitri walks into the kitchen.

 

“You didn’t wake me.”

 

“Was I meant to?”

 

He casts me a look out of the corner of his eye as he heads toward the coffee machine.

 

“No, I suppose not.”

 

I sip my water and check the sausages under the grill.

 

“Did you sleep in those clothes?” he asks and I look down at myself.

 

I swallow. “No.”

 

“We need to get you more things. I’m sure it would be okay for you to go through Natalie’s clothes, grab some pyjamas’ at least.”

 

I was not going to take from someone I hadn’t even met.

 

I crack eggs into the pan and Dimitri takes out plates. He goes to wake the others and I try to prepare Mr Dashkov’s coffee with the instructions he’d given me yesterday. I’m not sure how much milk to put in so I try to go by colour and then add sugar and cream. 

 

The house begins to waken with Spiridon carolling about the greatness of breakfast and Ben telling him to shut up as they come into the kitchen.  They nod at me and Ben start takes out cutlery and Spiridon gets the juice. He comes over to the counter where I am and I tense up. He pats my shoulder roughly and takes Mr Dashkov’s coffee into the dining room. I listen for a few seconds anticipating someone calling me to take it back and do it right but no one does.

 

 My shoulders relax.

 

Dimitri comes back in and wordlessly we finish preparing plates.  He makes me that brown goop and throughout the meal I feel him watching me, urging me to keep eating it. I add more sugar than yesterday, trying not to care what he’d think of that.

 

They talk more about what they need to do and discuss people and something called the ‘circle’. Only when they say ‘Voda’ will be visiting do I really start to pay attention. Mr Dashkov was going to have guests which meant I had to have this place spotless.

 

I’m turning over ideas on how to clean the glass wall when they all simultaneously move indicating breakfast is over. Ben disappears into the hall and I guess he’s going down to the garage. Spiridon leaves with his phone glued to his ear and Mr Dashkov follows after thanking me.

 

Dimitri helps me clear the table again.

 

We work in silence, mostly because I’m biting on my tongue so I don’t tell him I can do it myself. I doubted he’d listen anyway and the thought irritated me.

 

I’m drying the oven tray when I decide to break the silence with a coffee offering but when I turn around he’s already gone. For some reason, even though I’d spent the last fifteen minutes wishing he’d leave, I feel the damp stain of disappointment in my chest.

 

I slam the tray down onto the rack and go to inspect Mr Dashkov’s supply of window cleaner.

 

//

 

Thankfully there were some step ladders in the supply room that I hadn’t noticed before. They’d been concealed behind the door when I’d first come in which meant I didn’t have to ask Dimitri could I stand on his shoulders.  I could only imagine how he’d react to that or rather, how he wouldn’t react at all.

 

Did he ever laugh?

 

Spiridon laughed a lot. Mostly at others though.

 

I puff out a huge breath as I reach the top floor dragging the vacuum cleaner up behind me. I lean against the wall and take a moment. Her sweater was sticking to my back and the nape of my neck was damp. I use the cuff of her sleeve to dab it and blow out another breath.

 

So far I’d cleaned the glass wall and the floors, polished, dusted and braved Ben and Spiridon’s room with their permission.

 

Ben’s room was clean enough, his laundry set aside in a basket for me and it didn’t need much attention bar a going over with the vacuum. I polished the two pictures at his desk, one of a pretty young woman and himself, the one I guessed he was arguing with and the other was of and older couple, the man resembled Ben which suggested it were his parents. I didn’t look at that photo for too long. I straightened out his bedding and after much thought I picked the fluffy, white teddy bear off the shelf and nestled him between Ben’s pillows. He looked more comfortable there…and it made me giggle.

 

I hoped he wouldn’t mind.

 

Spiridon’s room was chaos. Not like Natalie’s chaos which was clean and bright. Spiridon had a collection of plates and glasses, all piled upon each other looking ready to topple. Carrying them downstairs required two trips, one in which I passed the rooms owner who grinned at me in a way that made me want to throw the sour smelling bowls at him. His dirty clothes were everywhere, lurking under the bed or spread around the floor. The air was a mixture of stale sweat and the ghost of cologne. I threw open his window and sprayed half a bottle of air freshener wondering how the hell he survived in there. The smell was like inhaling rot that could slowly kill you from the inside.

 

I gave up trying to figure out what was clean and what wasn’t and took everything down to be washed, including his sheets.

 

Breakfast was no longer a heavy feeling in my stomach but had burned away as I’d made my way through the house.

 

With one last huff I step into Natalie’s room. I fold her clothes or hang the back up in her closet. I arrange her shoes neatly on the rack in her closet and spend ten minutes looking for a rogue one that had hidden under her bed. I find earrings littered around her floor and return them to her jewellery box which was brimming with sparkly treasure.  I straighten out her bed sheets and crack open her window.  Giving the room one last sweep I decide it’s safe to bring the vacuum cleaner in as it doesn’t look like it will be danger of choking on anything.

 

Mr Dashkov’s room takes about the quarter of the time to clean. I wipe down his leather chair and polish his picture frames, happy photos of his family. It would probably have taken less time if I hadn’t paused over his photos for so long but I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to wife and was he ever as happy as he looked in these photographs.

 

I run the vacuum around the room and then step out, leaving the happy memories alone once more.

 

I’m grateful the vacuum has wheels so I don’t have to drag it behind me when I reach the next floor.  I pause outside Mr Dashkov’s office like I had on the way up. I hold my fist up and after a moment I knock.

 

“Come in.”

 

Mr Dashkov’s sitting behind his desk, so is Dimitri. The have papers fanned out in front of them and Dimitri’s hands are poised on a laptop.  He glances at me but then goes back to typing.

 

Mr Dashkov answers the question I’d opened my mouth to ask.

 

“Not right now, Rose. A time when we’re not working, thank you.”

 

I stand dumbly for a moment before my wits catch up to me. I nod and close the door.

 

I almost trip over the vacuum when I see Spiridon watching me as from where he leans against the door to my room.

 

I collect myself and pick up the fallen vacuum and without being able to do much else I walk toward him.

 

“How’s it goin, Cinderella?”

 

I look up confused and wish I hadn’t. He snorts at my expression.

 

“Excuse me.”

 

I pull the vacuum to the top of the stairs. He leans against the bannister.

 

“You know this guy coming to see Victor is a big deal. You should probably bake something, like cookies. Have tea and coffee set up, it would be very welcoming.”

 

The heat that had rushed to my face in my discomfort now drained.

 

“When are they coming?”

 

“Around and hour or so. Think you can manage it?”

 

I nod rigidly as ingredients and timings run through my head.

 

“Good. Or Victor would be really disappointed. That would suck considering all he’s done for you.”

 

Icy slush churns in my stomach and I swallow.

 

He grins. “See you later, Cinders.  Chocolate chip by the way…”

 

He pushes off the bannister and walks down the hall.

 

I blink and then lift the vacuum, carrying it down the stairs as quickly as possible without falling and breaking my legs.  I put the vacuum back in the supply room and rush to the kitchen.

 

I go through all the cupboards, pulling out ingredients in relief when I come across them.

 

There are no chocolate chips. 

 

I clutch my head, my heart beat getting louder in my ears.

 

“You okay?”

 

I whirl around.

 

Ben closes the fridge, a can of soda in one hand and the other he half raises toward me. A calming gesture.

 

I take two deep breaths and let my hands drop to my neck.

 

“I need chocolate chips.”

 

Ben considers this. “Okay…I’ll run out to the store. Anything else?”

 

I shake my head, pressing my lips together so I don’t beg him to hurry.

 

“Alright, back soon.”

 

He walks out and punches the code into the door.

 

I turn on the oven to preheat and start putting the other ingredients together.

 

My stomach gurgles.

 

I drop the measurement of brown sugar into the mixing bowl with the melted butter and then go to fridge. I take out a bottle of water and an apricot yoghurt.  I eat my yoghurt in between beating both the ingredients together. I crack in and egg and add vanilla extract, the smell sending me back to the night in the Ozera’s dining room. I whisk the ingredients harder.

 

I’m sieving the flour and salt together when Ben comes back.

 

“Thank you.” I murmur, prying at the saturated edge.

 

“What are friends for?” 

 

I pause in pouring the chips into the mix but when I look up he’s already walking out, whistling merrily.

 

I pour in the cocoa powder I found lurking behind the coffee and by the time I’m done whisking that together my arms ache. I panic when I can’t find the grease paper for the tray but then realize I’m holding it. I roll out 12 cookies between two trays and pop them into the oven.

 

I fall back against the counter and unscrew the water bottle.

 

The cookies would just bake but they wouldn’t be as cooled as I’d like in the time left.

 

I tap the counter as I watch the timer move achingly slow. I’m so tense that when it hits 0 and rings I jump and bang my hip on the counter.

 

I pull the tray out and leave the cookies to stand, the smell of chocolate flooding the kitchen.  I flip on the coffee machine.

 

Voices carry down the stairs and following them is their owners. Dimitri and Mr Dashkov come into view as they step off the bottom step. Dimitri looks toward me and Mr Dashkov’s speech trails off as his head lifts and he turns toward the kitchen.

 

I look away.

 

“It smells delicious in here. Are you baking Rose?”

 

I nod and his footsteps get closer. Lighter ones close behind.

 

The coffee machine beeps.

 

“My Dear, you’re spoiling us.”

 

“Voda’s here!” Spiridon shouts, thumping down the stairs.

 

“Ah, good…better put those cookies away for now Rose and open a window. Alexander’s diabetic and I think it would be cruel to tease him.” Mr Dashkov smiles kindly, not realizing or not caring how confused I am.

 

He turns back to Dimitri and murmurs something to him. Dimitri nods and turns away, walking toward the front door Spiridon has opened. He passes out the door and Spiridon looks over at me and grins.

 

A little stunned I open the kitchen window.

 

I turn back to see a man in dark suit being greeted by Mr Dashkov.  Three male guardians dressed in black stand behind him, expressionless.  They nod at Spiridon who stands just behind Mr Dashkov. Their greeting a lot more quiet than Mr Dashkov and his guest who embrace each other warmly.

 

“Good to see you Alexander. Coffee?”

 

“Only if it’s the proper stuff. The academy could only rustle up instant, horrible.” The other man says and grimaces.

 

Mr Dashkov smiles and claps his shoulder.

 

“Make yourself at home.” He gestures or the other man to go into the living room and turns toward me. “Rose, two coffee’s please. One black without any sugar I believe and you know how I take mine.”

 

I nod but he’s already turned away and Ben steps off the stairs, shadowing him. 

 

I move the cookies over to the open window and pour out the coffee.

 

I wipe at the cuff of her sweater where flour clings to it. It just gets worse and I take a deep breath so the anxiety doesn’t rocket out of me.

 

Willing my hands not to shake I pick up the two mugs and bring them to the living room, feeling like I wasn’t completely in control of my own legs.

 

Mr Dashkov’s friend, Alexander Voda, was reclining on the sofa with his host beside him. They were both chatting companionable, a connection between them that made me curious and envious. 

 

Mr Dashkov thanks me as I put the mugs down on the coasters.

 

“It hardly seems fair making me coffee without the delicious treats I can smell.” Voda says, leaning forward to take his drink.

 

“We didn’t mean to tease Alex.” Mr Dashkov grins. “Rose just likes to spoil us.”

 

I had turned to leave the room as they’d talked and the mention of name keys me up tighter.

 

“Rose, is it?”

 

The man’s voice brings me up short and I take a deep breath before turning. His smile reminded me of Spiridon’s.

 

“Yes.”

 

His eyes search my face.

 

“A lot of weight in a name. I can see you live up to yours…do you like your new home?”

 

My heart constricts.

 

Mr Dashkov’s smile loses its warmth as he watches his friend.

 

“Yes sir.”

 

“Sir is it?” He says, looking like I’d said something very amusing. “Victor’s very lucky to have someone like you to look after him.”

 

“Yes I am.” Mr Dashkov declares, sitting forward. His voice had an underlining hardness to it. “Thank you Rose.”

 

It was a dismissal I’d never been gladder to have.

 

“I can’t have any treats but surely some could be spared to my boys here? They deserve something sweet.”

 

“The cookies are cooling in the kitchen. Chad and Alec, feel free to help yourselves.” Mr Dashkov says.

 

“Don’t help yourselves too much.” Spiridon says and their laughter follows me back to the kitchen.

 

I just had to load the dishwasher and then I’d go collect the laundry from the dryer.

 

As I’m loading it wish dishes the Guardians come into the kitchen and begin taking cookies.  They ignore me and I them. Except for Ben who takes one bite and makes an over exaggerated moaning noise.

 

“Rose, if you want to bake every day that is fine by me.”

 

“She’ll have you rolling around this house.” One of Voda’s Guardians replies. “But damn they are good. I hope I get a wife that cooks.”

 

“You’ll be lucky to get a wife at all.” Spiridon answers.

 

I close up the dishwasher and turn it on.

 

I look and find the guardian who’d made the wife comment watching me. He bites into his cookie and the look he’s giving me makes me feel unclean.  

 

I start to cross the room when Ben calls me to a halt.

 

“Here.” He says, taking a small plate from the draining board. He scoops four cookies onto it and holds it out to me. “The chef needs to sample the goods too. You could save one for Belikov because I doubt there will be anymore survivors down here.”

 

I take it and nod.

 

As I’m rounding the corner I hear one of the new Guardians say. “I’m bet there are other reasons Ozera was pissed you picked that one up.”

 

I retreat into the supply room and close the door. Leaning back against it I allow myself to drag in calming breaths.  I shrug off anxiety on my shoulders, rolling them until they’re no longer stiff. I shake my hands out and bury the way that Guardian was looking at me.

 

It wasn’t the same here. It wasn’t the Ozera’s where Guardians could just…do anything. It wasn’t. I had to hold on to how Mr Dashkov’s expression had darkened when Voda had spoken to me. I had to believe it was for me…but my mind reels away from that idea.

 

I was nothing.

 

Mr Dashkovs friends could speak to me whichever way they wanted. It meant nothing.  He was most likely annoyed by my attire and imposing on their meeting for longer than necessary.

 

I push it all down.

 

I take the laundry out of the dryer and then put the next load in. I put the plate of cookies on top of the freshly folded clothes and the smell of fresh cotton and chocolate wraps around me.  I’d let myself have one when I’d put everything away and Dimitri could have the rest.

 

I lift the basket and inhale the clean, sweet scent before opening the door.

 

The party in the living room ignore me and I them.

 

 Upstairs I leave the cookies in my room. I felt a little odd about it, putting treats in my room, but I didn’t know what else to do with them.

 

I stop at Bens room first as his things were all folded on top. There wasn’t much that marked the difference between Ben and Spiridon’s clothes as they were all the same colour scheme. Black, with the exception of a few items. The only indicator was the sizes. Spiridon was taller and Ben was broader.

 

Walking into Spiridon’s room was a completely different experience from earlier. It was like walking into a cool, clean meadow.  I begin humming. How Spiridon’s room hadn’t  harbouring rats I didn’t know, it smelt worse than the barn and we had our fair share of rodents.

 

I leave the room feeling much lighter.

 

 Even Spiridon’s trick on me with the cookies couldn’t make me feel bad, now I knew to expect it. I was proud of what I’d accomplished today, cleaning a house by myself, having a meal ready and I was already planning out dinner.  Yeah I had some help from Dimitri so I didn’t completely deserve all the credit but soon I would. Soon I wouldn’t need help.

 

I probably shouldn’t get ahead of myself, maybe it would make me trip but I couldn’t help it.

 

My steps lighters as I fetch the next load from the supply room and only when I’m folding the clothes do I realize I’m smiling to myself.

 

It was nice.

 

Walking back up the stairs I glance at the living room to see if Dimitri had come back.

 

He hadn’t.

 

Ben, Spiridon and one of Voda’s Guardians are watching TV. Their Moroi are sitting at the dining table, completely absorbed in conversation and paperwork.

 

I climb the stairs, the ache in my legs not even fazing me because I knew cookies were waiting at the end of it. I put away the rest of Ben and Spiridon’s things, wondering if Dimitri did his own washing. Well he would have to I suppose…unless he had someone else to do it for him.

 

But his mother was in Russia.

 

Weren’t they?

 

Maybe there would be something about Russia in the library.

 

I start scrubbing at my cuff again. The flour had gone crusty and seeped deeper into the material. I was going to have to clean it somehow. I could try back at my room and if that didn’t work I would have to get more creative.  Like sneaking some washing powder up. I couldn’t wash my clothes because I had nothing else to wear and washing them at night could wake everyone else up.

 

I close my bedroom door pulling my arm inside her sweater to take it off.

 

I freeze.

 

Seconds pass, the silence broken when I have to draw breath.

 

“These really are good, darlin.”  The Guardian says, biting into a cookie.

 

He was sitting on the bed and watching me like he had before. He devours the second half of the cookie.

 

I look at the door.

 

“I wouldn’t.” He says.

 

He stands.

 

I should run. I should scream. I should step back.

 

I can’t do anything of these things.

 

He was tall. Not as tall as Dimitri. He had thick arms and a thick body and he probably weighed as much as the small car in the garage.

 

I snap out of these thoughts when I realize his chest is in front of my nose. His fingers take hold of my chin and tilt it up.

 

“Look at me with those big eyes.” He whispers and then bites down on his lip. “We’re going to have a lot of fun.”

 

The pressure was rushing to my head.

 

He lets go and steps back, looking me up and down like he could see through my clothes. 

The bandages nip at my ribs, reassuring me, frightening me.

 

“You’re like a little doll.”

 

He reaches up and tugs at the hair tie. My shoulders start to shake as my hair falls down around me.

 

He takes a lock between his fingers and runs them down past my cheek, my neck, stopping where it ends at my chest.

 

“A lot of fun.”  He murmurs, twirling my hair around his fingers.

 

He yanks hard, pulling me down and I’m no longer dazed. I cry out as my knees hit the ground and he forces my head back.

 

“Keep your eyes on me baby.”

 

He reaches for his belt.

 

Images are flying through my head. My mother and the Master, my mother waking me one morning with bandages, my mother telling me to no longer call her Janine, Hans grinning down at me…Stabbing the strigoi, Hans lying unconscious, Dimitri standing in front of me in a hostile room, Dimitri promising my mother.

 

My promise to survive.

 

The sound of his fly being unzipped brings the room into focus.

 

I suddenly feel calm as he reaches inside his trousers. His other hand is still in my hair.

 

His loose waistband holds a stake.

 

I reach out and tear it free. He stumbles sideways, not expecting sabotage on his balance. My head is yanked sideways by his clutch.

 

I drive the stake down into his foot until it hits resistance.

 

He cries out, a brief growl out of anger more than pain and I pull free of his grasp.

 

I scramble for the door, first on my hands and knees but I manage to get to my feet and my palms touch upon the door. A hand fastens on the back of my sweater and I’m swung around, my feet leave the ground as I’m flung back into the room. I hit the side of the bed and it pushes back against me so I’m thrown back to the floor.

 

My lungs won’t accept air, I’m gasping like plastics is stretched over my mouth.

 

“Stupid little bitch.” He spits.

 

He drops down, his knees on either side of my hips and turns me over so I’ m flat on my back.

 

I scream before I even realize I’m screaming.

 

A blow to my face has me looking blearily under the bed and a rough hand is pulling at my waistband.

 

There’s a small explosion and the physical weight pressing down on me disappears.

 

Just gone.

 

Numbly I turn my head, my cheek stinging fiercely and try to distinguish through blurry eyes.

 

Dimitri has the Guardian pinned by his throat to the wall.

 

The Guardians face is bloody, scarlet streaming from his nose and mouth, staining his teeth. His hand grips Dimitri’s wrist trying to pry it off. The other hand is desperately groping the wall.

 

Dimitri’s face is a furious landscape. Sharp angles and piercing eyes. He was frightening but I wasn’t frightened.  What I wanted to know what he was saying because he was speaking. His lips were pulling back over his teeth, shaping lethal words I couldn’t hear because my head was filled with buzzing.

 

He slams the Guardian back into the wall. The Guardian swings at Dimitri and hits him but he may as well have hit a wall as walls don’t react either. Dimitri retaliates by driving his fist into the Guardian’s stomach and then brings his knee up when he doubles over. Somewhere in all this sound comes rushing back.

 

There is a lot of yelling.

 

I crawl under the bed as grunts and heavy thuds pulse around me.

 

“DIMITRI! DIMITRI YOU’RE GOING TO KILL HIM!”

 

 

“WHAT THE HELL.”

 

 

“STOP STOP!”

 

I watch all the black boots scuffle around the floor.

 

My stinging cheek was starting to blossom bruises and I clamp my shaking hands over my ears, wanting it to stop.

 

Wanting it all to just stop.


	9. Chapter 9

It doesn’t stop.

 

Even with my hands clamped tight over my ears I can still hear their shouting. The anger, the rawness and frustration connecting them as their boots stamp around the floor trying to gain dominance.

 

I knew this would happen. I knew it.  All their aggression would explode and I would receive it. It would be a matter of moments before they dragged me out of my hiding place.

 

Stupid. So stupid. Why did I hide? Why did fight back? No mercy was going to be given. It could have been over by now if I hadn’t of hid.

                                                           

_Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid._

_You stupid little bitch._

The guardian’s noise is eclipsed by the thundering in my head and then suddenly there’s nothing. No sound. No yelling or grunting. Just nothing.  Then slowly I begin to come back to the world. First I feel the hard press of knuckles against my chest, then the tension in my fists, my knees against my stomach. My nerves start to come alive again.

 

“Rose? Rose, it’s okay.”

 

Ben.

 

“Rose, please come out. You’re safe I promise.”

 

He sounds out of breath and nervous but I can’t open my eyes.

 

 I can still feel the weight of the Guardian on me, still feel his breath on my neck and I can see the cruel greed in his face burned on the back of my eyelids.  A violent shiver runs through my body and my mind cringes at Ben’s voice as he tries to coax me to come out.

 

I couldn’t move if I wanted. I couldn’t move even if I believed him.

 

I turn my face into the carpet.

 

He sighs and I flinch.

 

There’s a shuffling noise and his footsteps leave the room.

 

Good just leave me here. Leave me here, leave me alone. Please, please, please, please.

 

Under the floor, muffled by the carpet, voices are a low murmur…like hearing a radio from far away. There were quick tones and then strained ones  that spiked with anger.  I shudder and hold onto myself tighter.

 

I was okay. I was cocooned under the bed, all sides visible and far away.

 

I listen to my breathing.

 

I feel each burning prick on my cheek where the bruise sinks into the bone.

 

A soft noise makes my eyes snap open and I almost shrivel up when I see black boots to the far left of my head.

 

Dimitri’s boots.

 

A tear slides over my nose and I clench my jaw.

 

The boots stretch out as he sits down, his palms pressing down on the carpet and then he lies down on his back. His face is on level with mine but he isn’t looking at me. His eyes are closed. Red and purple are a moon crescent around his right eye, the only marks of the fight I can see.

 

He breathes in deeply, eyes still closed.

 

“You asked me what a Blood Promise was before.” He begins quietly and my hand twitches over my heart. “It is, or it was, the most sacred promise in our world. When we still had a monarchy the sovereigns personal Guard would take the oath to protect and serve until the last breath left their body. Every member of the Guard made it and every member would honour it, no matters how sever an order, no matter how unethical. It’s a dangerous Promise, the most loyal.  In very ancient days to break the oath meant to be put to death.  To fail your oath was to fail your own blood, the blood you’d sworn by, therefore it was forever tarnished… the blood in your veins was spoiled.”

 

He sighs and his thick, black eyelashes twitch upward.  He stares up at the ceiling as he continues.

 

“Blood is the most valuable thing you can possess. What is more vital to living? Every living thing needs it. A Moroi replenishes themselves with it and to a Guardian it was roars in our veins in battle. Blood is honour, loyalty, family, love…life so we our strongest oath is sealed by it.  A very dangerous sacrament… to swear to protect someone with every vital drop you own and there was no taking it back. No matter how corrupt or unstable those who you have sworn to have become.  There is no magic in the oath, just honour and it can be just as powerful. Dishonoured men wouldn’t wait to be executed but take their own life in their shame.”

 

“The Guard no longer exists. A Blood Promise is more less just a part of history. Some people blame the tradition entirely for how things are now. It is too heavy a thing to throw around.”

 

His eyebrows furrow and his eyes follow something on the ceiling.

 

“I wonder how your mother knew of it.” He murmurs. “If she knew the weight of the thing she asked. I suppose if she did then the matter at hand would be deemed worthy to it. A child, a King, both hold equal amounts of importance.”

 

He turns his head a fraction so he’s looking at me.  His dark eyes are shockingly open, no walls are up and they are shadowed by something that makes me think of shame.

 

He swallows. “I almost failed you Rose, I’m sorry.”

 

My brain is filled with static air.

 

“I have met Alec twice in my life and my instincts have always warned me about him. Today I put them to the back of my mind. I never thought he would try…” His closes his eyes briefly and clenches his jaw.  “I never thought this would happen.”

 

“It’s not your fault.” I whisper.

 

Somehow this makes the shame in his eyes pulse brighter.

 

“I promised to protect you and you were attacked in mere days of being here. My failure is my fault.”

 

“But you stopped him” My voice breaks on the last word.

 

Fire ignites in Dimitri’s face. “There should have been nothing to stop. I should have left word with Ben…you will never be put through something like that again.”

 

I breathe in and when I exhale it’s like my lungs are clearing.

 

“Rose, please come out from under there. No one’s going to hurt you.”

 

A voice that sounded like my mother was back in my head. Hissing at me to be wary, to know coaxing me out came before punishing me for hurting one of their own and resisting. What had nearly happened was destined to happen and now it would be worse.

 

Dimitri leans up on his elbow and reaches his hand out toward me.

 

“I will never put you to the back of my mind again. I will honour my promise.”

 

My mother is still hissing at me when I uncurl my hand from my chest and reach across the space to take his. His skin is hot to the touch, friction from fighting or just his normal temperature I couldn’t tell.

 

He lets me wriggle out at my own pace, holding my hand lightly for encouragement. He sits back as I crawl out from under and sit up beside him in the exposer of the room.

 

He lets go of my hand to touch his fingers under my chin and tilts my face up.

 

“It doesn’t hurt.”

 

“That’s a lie.”

 

I swallow. “I’ve had worse.”

 

“I wish that was a lie.”

 

I look up and find him not assessing the damage but watching me, looking at _me_. I see the bruise around his eye, the slight pink mark where my nail had caught him when he woke me up and where he wasn’t marked there was just tan, smooth skin and prominent cheekbones. And his eyes. His dark, understanding eyes that made me more scared than I had ever been because I didn’t want to hide from them.

 

“Stay here.” He says and drops his hand.

 

He stands and I lean back against the bed.  I take a deep breath and a twinge bites at my side where I’d hit the bed when he’d thrown me.  I pull my knees up to my chest, breathing through the aches. 

 

Dimitri pauses for enough time that I glance up to see what’s making him linger.

 

Watching me again.

 

He turns away as soon as our eyes meet and leaves the room, closing the door gently behind him. I try to listen to his movements but lose them on the landing. He was too stealthy. I catch slight wisps of voices from downstairs but so slight I could be imaging them.

 

For minutes I resist the urge to crawl back under the bed.

 

When light steps hit the landing and approach the door I clench my hands on my elbows telling myself it would be Dimitri. My heart clenches and then unclenches as he comes into the room and looks at me peering over the bed.

 

He holds up a staple I know too well.  Ice wrapped in cloth.

 

Sometimes when I was little I would pretend I’d hurt myself playing so my mother would bring me ice. Me and Eddie would sometimes take it turns. The summers were too hot and we were whiny children who didn’t know the difference between what we could endure and what made us uncomfortable.  My mother was furious when she found out and the welt she gave me made long for ice more than ever.  Eddie said it was ironic and when I looked it up in my book I agreed.

 

Dimitri kneels down in front of me and presses the cloth to my face.  It’s such a welcoming sensation that my shoulders relax and I reach up to hold the cloth myself, accidently brushing his fingers in the exchange.

 

“Here.” He urges, holding out a glass of fizzy soda.

 

I can smell the sugar.

 

I take a small sip and sugary bubbles ripple over my tongue. Delicious. I drain half the glass and only stop because I run out of air.

 

“Easy.” He says.

 

I’d apologise but the fizzing was still happening in my stomach and I hiccup.

 

“What have you eaten besides breakfast?”

 

The cheek that wasn’t under the cold cloth was warming and I pray I don’t do something like burp.

 

_I hate my body._

 

“A yoghurt.”

 

He starts to say something and then stops. He leans forward, reaching up past me and I freeze at the sudden closeness.

 

He smells like the laundry powder downstairs mixed with something heavier, masculine.

 

He pulls back and presents a plate laden with the cookies that had survived the chaos.

 

“It would probably be okay for you to take a pain killer now but for my own peace of mind….”

 

I set down my glass and gingerly take up a cookie from the plate. This was not how I thought I’d be trying one for the first time. He sets down the plate as he leans back, cracking two small pills out of their foil case and into his palm.

 

“The other one is yours.” I murmur, looking down at the cookie I held.

 

 It was just hard enough on the outside and the inside should still be gooey.  Ben had given me four and I was going to give at least two to Dimitri but the Guardian had only left that. 

 

I still had my dessert hidden behind the drawers on the bedside.

 

Dimitri doesn’t respond and I don’t look up to assess his expression. I think he’s about to refuse or insist I have it.

 

“I saved it for you. The others were eating them all and Ben said… that one’s yours.”

 

I’m going to need more ice for my other cheek.

 

 He doesn’t say anything and I don’t look up.

 

“I see.” He says quietly.  “Thank you.”

 

I watch his long fingers take the last one as I nibble on my cookie and feel a spark of satisfaction when I find I’m right, gooey chocolate on the inside. I take longer than Dimitri to finish eating and when I do I take a sip of my soda.  I am full of sugar and bubbles, and my head feels clearer. Cookies were better than I imagined and if known that before coming here I’d probably be dead by now from stealing some. Or I’d at least be fatter…healthier looking.

 

Dimitri hadn’t said he’d liked them. He’d eaten in silence.

 

He interrupts my thoughts when his hand proffers the two pain killers.

 

I take the cloth away from my throbbing cheek so I can take the pills and then drink.

 

Dimitri touches my cheek, under where it hurts and I go very still.

 

“It shouldn’t swell too much. How is your arm?”

 

I concentrate on breathing regularly. “Better.”

 

I wasn’t lying. My burn was on the bottom of my list of injuries. The paste Keith had given me had significantly helped and it longer hurt that much.  Last night when I’d cleaned off the green medicine the damaged skin had been a pink colour instead of red and the indentations that had been raw had scabbed over but between cleaning and reapplying the burn had started to sting again and only when I’d lathered on the green cream did it calm down.

 

It was surprising how through everything that had happened the burn was still dormant. Like a sleeping monster.

 

“Do you think the paste might work on this?” I ask, indicating the cheek his fingertips were resting on.

 

“Maybe. I don’t think it could hurt.”

 

Heavy footfalls sound on the stairs and I jerk back, my elbow catching the metal side of the bed.

 

“It’s okay.” Dimitri assures in a firm voice, one I would trust if my attention wasn’t half on the steps that now raced past the door.  “They’ve gone. Voda and the others.”

 

Despite his words I’m still staring over the side of the bed at the door.

 

He takes my wrist and my attention is no longer split.

 

“Rose, there is nothing to be afraid of. Alec’s gone and he will never be coming back, not to this house.”

 

I stare at my wrist, very small in the bracelet of his fingers. “It doesn’t matter.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“There will always be someone like him. I’ve always known this would happen.”

 

Any relief and lightness I’d been feeling is crushed by the weight of the truth.  Dimitri pulls back his hand and threads it with other between his knees.

 

“There’s a hole in your carpet.” He says simply. “Near the foot of the bed…Alec needed his colleagues support in order to leave the house. It could be assumed that I’d aimed a blow at his abdomen, kidneys maybe, which I did and walking was too difficult…but there was also a bloody hole in his boot. Spiridon also had to return his own stake to him where he’d found it on the floor. Guardian’s do not lose their stakes, not easily.”

 

I can feel his gaze coaxing me to look up, to play into his words but I wouldn’t. I didn’t know how to play.

 

“Rose, what happened?”

 

I swallow.

 

“I could guess but I’d rather you tell me.”

 

Strained seconds pass and my heart is beating in my ears.

 

I take a deep breath. “I took it.”

 

“You took it? You took a stake from a certified Guardian and turned it on him?”

 

There was no mockery in his voice. It was just a question with a right within it waiting to be claimed. I got the feeling he wanted me to claim it, to take ownership of doing something so stupid and arrogant.

 

It could be a trick.

 

I clench my hands so they don’t shake and I dare to look up.

 

His expression is composed, mild but there’s something in his eyes, something I don’t want to disappoint.

 

“Yes. From his belt when he… I was… I don’t know what I was thinking.”

 

“You were thinking you had to defend yourself.” He says, passion spreading through his tone in a way that picks up my heart rate. “And you were right to. You have good instincts Rose and as much as I want to promise that you will never encounter anything like this again I can’t.  I can only promise I‘ll do everything I can to prevent it…but I can do something else.”

 

The passion in his tone has heated up his eyes and I know something big is about to happen.

 

“I can teach you to defend yourself.” He says flatly. “No one has the right to touch you unless you want them to. Innocent or callous, you have the right to stop it Rose, and if they don’t listen I can teach you to make them.”

 

I lean back against the bed trying to wrap my mind around the expanding idea in my head.

 

“You want to teach me to fight?”

 

He inhales deeply and some of that passion mutes.

 

“Only if you want to learn. Personally I think everyone should know a little self-defence and in your case…you’re only starting to learn your basic rights as a person. I’m glad you fought back, I’m glad you know some of your worth and I hope living here with us will make you realize it entirely.”

 

“So I’m not in trouble?”

 

His eyebrows crease and then comprehension filters into his eyes. “No Rose, you are not in trouble.”

 

“Victor isn’t angry?”

 

“Victor’s furious but not with you.”

 

His offer churns over in mind. Learn to fight back? Learn how to stop punishments? But what when I need to punished? No, I don’t get punished anymore…Victor said… no he said I wouldn’t do the same work. I had work to do but what if I messed it up? Would I still be punished but just in a different way? How would I suppress the urge to stop someone hurting me? Even if I deserved it.  Maybe if I knew I I deserved it I could take it. Dimitri must believe so to offer me something like this.

 

Something that would help me not be weak.

 

 To no be _vulnerable_.

 

“You don’t have to decide now. The offer is always-”

 

“I want to learn.” I say in a voice so firm I’d hardly believe it was my own a week ago.  “I want to be able to defend myself.”

 

He doesn’t look amused as Spiridon no doubt would be and he doesn’t look surprised like Ben would.

 

He nods approvingly. “Then I’ll show you.”

 


	10. Iron.

Funny how Dimitri had been the one at the centre of chaos and now I was calmly sitting beside him talking about learning how to fight. It was funny because I was always told to shy away from conflict or to take it silently and when the room had erupted with Dimitri in the heart of it, everything I had been taught should have made me stay cowering under the bed.

 

But I hadn’t. The man who had pinned someone heavier than him against the wall like he was nothing, and who it had taken two other Guardians to pry away from Alec, was the one who had been able to coax me out.

 

He was the one out of the other two I’d seen engage in the most conflict and yet he was the one I felt the safest with.

 

Right now I’m listening to him stocking up the bathroom cabinet with ‘basic things’ he’d gotten when he was out. Shower gel, shampoo and conditioner, toothpaste, a toothbrush, painkillers and other things I can’t remember, while I’m sitting on the bed with the damp cloth to my cheek.  It wasn’t so bad now…neither was my side.

 

I knew Dimitri knew I was hurt in other places. He was watching me when I discovered the ache in my side but he didn’t ask. He probably thought a painkiller would be enough to help and if not I guess he was relying on me to tell him so.

 

I was beginning to realize there were small signs of trust.

 

I drain the last of soda, running my tongue over my teeth that now felt a little fuzzy.

 

“There was a lot of to choose from, women’s toiletries seem to have more variety. If it didn’t confuse me I’d be a little jealous.” He says, closing my bathroom door behind him.

 

I try to smile but my cheek protests.

 

“You should try the salve on that.” He says softly.

 

I nod at floor, my empty glass clasped between my hands.

 

“What are you worrying about?”

 

I look up surprised. He arches an eyebrow from he where leans against the wall and I drop my gaze back to the glass in my hands.

 

I clear my throat, worried that when I try to speak my voice will be rust.

 

“What… When will you teach me?”  

 

“You want to start now?”

 

I almost drop the glass and again when I see Dimitri smiling slightly. The spike of… ~~excitement~~ , anxiety, sinks but doesn’t disappear completely. His expression was as soft as I’d ever seen in it, if marble could be soft. How could someone who was so hard on the outside not frighten me or make me worry they would crush me at any moment?

 

I didn’t like thinking about this, about Dimitri, it confused me too much.

 

But past this his amusement is annoying, it resembles the other Guardian’s mockery and before I can think I have another spike of emotion.

 

“Why not?”

 

His expression sobers a little and he crosses his arms. “In a way you already have. You need to build up your strength first.”

 

My eyebrows knit together, like a joining their efforts to figure out what he means.

 

Dimitri’s expression clears, back to blank planes and angles.

 

“You need energy Rose.”

 

“I have energy.  I don’t need that much sleep, I can work. I’m not weak.”

 

His face is carved from marble.

 

“I will not push your body to extremities. It will do more damage than good. You need to build your bodies strength in order to have force behind defending yourself.”

 

All emotion in me sinks as I realize what he’s talking about. I trace the rim of the glass with my thumb.

 

“I’m too…small.”

 

“You’re underweight, twenty five pounds under weight.  You need to be healthy to train.”

 

“But I’m eating more now.”

 

“Yes, and in the past few days you’ve probably gained weight. You do look better but I’m not teaching you anything until I think you’re strong enough.”

 

_Stupid body._

I glare at the tendons and lining of my bones in my hands that are clenched around the glass. Hating that I could see them, hating my skin was so fine that my bones looked vulnerable. Hating that my body was preventing me from protecting it.

 

“Be patient, Rose. I will teach you but when you’re ready.”

 

Stupid hands, stupid bones, stupid body, _stupid lungs that couldn’t hold out when I was trying to run away, stupid arms, stupid girl stupidlittlebitchstupidlittlebitchstupidlittlebitch_

 

Two warm hands close over mine and stop the glass vibrating.

 

“Rose.”

 

He pries the glass out of my hands and puts it aside, leaving them empty. I stare down at them feeling the same way.

 

“Here.”

 

He presses the damp, cold cloth to my face and numbly I reach up to hold it.

 

“We have to walk before we can run you know.” He tells me gently, sitting down on the bed beside me.  “Don’t be frustrated and don’t worry too much about it. Like I said, gaining weight is a way of preparing.”

 

His forearm was resting close to my arm and the contrast was like a slap.

 

His, skin lighter than mine, were strong. Muscle encasing his bones, sturdy, capable, impervious looking….solid. Then mine beside his, a shade darker from the stronger sunlight and reedy.  A slender, thin twig next to a thicker branch.

 

 

 It looked like a child’s arm. I was not a child. I didn’t want to be thought of as a child.

 

“Besides.” He says gently. “You’ve already injured someone enough to take them out of the field.”

 

I look up at him and he looks down over his shoulder at me. His body heat pressing up against me and making me want to press back.

 

“Torn ligaments aren’t easy to heal…not even when you’re a Dhampir.”

 

A knock on the door makes me flinch. Dimitri’s head whips around as Ben’s pokes around the door.

 

“Uh, hi.”

 

“Hello.” Dimitri returns.

 

Ben steps into the room looking nervous enough to make me consider crawling under the bed again.

 

“Tasha’s on the phone. Christian is with her, she wants you.”

 

Dimitri nods and stands up. A skittering of panic crawls up my spine as he leaves the room, looking once over his shoulder at me.

 

Ben stands in the doorway looking like he wasn’t sure if I was going to run away or if he might.

 

“You okay, kiddo?” He asks eventually.

 

I nod and he starts nodding with me. I stop and so does he. A few moments of silent awkwardness pass and I realize there’s something else he wants. 

 

My cheeks going numb so I take the cloth away and his blue eyes immediately go to the bruise. I immediately cover it back up again.

 

He exhales and runs a hand through his short, brown hair.

 

 “I should have been paying attention.” He blurts out. “No one goes to the bathroom for that long unless something’s wrong with them.”

 

I blink.

 

I could understand Dimitri’s guilt, could grasp it because he’d implicated himself with me by a promise. But Ben…he had nothing to do with it. With me…he couldn’t be feeling that way.

 

“If Dimitri hadn’t of come back when he did and I don’t know, used that super intuition of his or paranoia or whatever well then… yeah, shit. I’m sorry.”

 

Moments pass again and I realize once more that he’s waiting, this time for me to say something. 

 

“It’s…okay.”

 

His shoulders relax but his face is still creased in unnerving shame.

 

“I won’t let you down like that again.”

 

He moves awkwardly, as to come forward but stopping himself. And then he does, coming to stand close enough to reach out and pat my shoulder. I would have flinched if he hadn’t looked so uncertain, if it hadn’t interested me to the point of distracting me from being afraid.

 

He pats me twice and then quickly moves toward the door.

 

“Ben.” 

 

He turns, one hand on the doorknob. “Yeah?”

 

I hadn’t answered honestly earlier when Dimitri had asked what was worrying me.

 

“What time is it?”

 

He looks at his watch. “Half two. Why?”

 

I stand up, hating how unsteady I feel. “I need to start dinner.”

 

“No.” Ben says firmly. “We’ll order in. You can experience Chinese food.”

 

“But I was going to make-“

 

“We don’t expect you to cook after this.”

 

“Don’t baby me.”

 

It’s out before I can stop it and it was loud and it was sharp and it was wrong.

 

“I-“

 

“I’m not babying you.” He says. “I just think you should take it easy.”

 

There’s a shaking inside my chest, the foundation of my bones trembling under pressure that could crash down on it if I push my luck.

 

But my problems always been I liked to push.

 

“I don’t need to take it easy.”

 

He doesn’t look like he believes me but he isn’t arguing back, he isn’t putting me back in my place.

 

“Alright…wanna come down with me then or?”

 

The weight leaves my chest plate, my ribs, it floods through the rest of me. It steadies out my blood.

 

“Yes.”

 

 I follow him out, marvelling at how I’m feeling. Stronger, steady…like I have gained something.

 

Ben hadn’t looked convinced that I was not as weak as he presumed. But he hadn’t pushed back…he was letting me do something. He was letting me prove something about myself.

 

Was this victory I was feeling?

 

Descending the steps I remember how blood tastes like iron. Tasted like how iron smelled, salty and metallic. A vague musing when blood swirled around my tongue from being bitten down on to stop from crying. From tasting it on my lips when a hand forced my nose to gush. Tasting blood had always meant I had failed in some way. Tasting blood was the price not to cry when rape filled my ears.

 

Until now.

 

I could feel my blood pounding around my body. How it welled under the bruise, how it coloured under Dimitri’s skin. Blood did not taste like iron. It was iron…

 

Dimitri had said people swore by blood because it was so valuable. He had sworn by his….I would swear by mine.

 

I would not bleed out of harm anymore. I would bleed from defending myself and make my blood stronger by pushing back like I had today. Dimitri said he would help me and Ben was listening to me.

 

Iron is supposed to be strong.

 

I would not let mine turn to rust in my veins.

 

*

Someone was arguing.

 

I’m pulled out of my thoughts and look toward the living room where Spiridon is standing in front of Dimitri and Victor, who are sat on the couch.

 

“Voda was the one with direct sources in Russia and Germany. Who could reach out to the other eastern regions if The Circle’s activity shifted, which it will. Now what the hell are we going to do?”

 

“We might not need Voda anymore to contact them. We’re cutting out a middle man.” Dimitri responds calmly.

 

Victor was pinching the bridge of his nose. It seemed to be a gesture of thinking and not frustration. 

 

Ben walking toward them grabs Spiridon’s attention. His gaze slides over Ben to me. He scowls and turns back to Dimitri. Victor doesn’t acknowledge any of them and I stay by the bannister.

 

“We’re cutting out someone with knowledge and men on the ground over there! One word from him and they could fall silent. We could fucking lose the trail.”

 

“Then we buy them.” Victor says, dropping his hand away from his face.

 

“The might not be so easily bought.” Dimitri says, clasping his hands between his knees.

 

Spiridon throws out his hands.

 

“See! We need Voda. We need to fix this.”

 

“Easier said than done.” Victor says grimly.

 

Spiridon gestures at Dimitri. “He apologies. He promises his first born, I don’t give a shit. Whatever fixes it.”

 

“Hang on.” Ben says. “What does Dimitri have to apologise for exactly?”

 

I sit down on the bottom step, holding on to and peering around the newel.

 

“He beat Alec to a pulp! His near guard. It will take, at least I dunno, a week to replace him and fuck knows how long to recover.”

 

“It’s Dimitri’s fault Dhampirs are in short supply?” Ben asks dryly.

 

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Maybe I should go back upstairs.

 

Spiridon glowers at Ben and three seconds pass in which I feel the room mounting.

 

“I’m not apologising.” Dimitri’s says calmly.

 

“This isn’t about your pride Belikov.”

 

“No.” Victor says, commanding all of their attention. “It has nothing to do with pride at all. It’s to do with what is right and what is wrong. I’m not going to sit and ponder if the lengths of Dimitri’s actions are just but they were not wrong. Alec was wrong. He came into a moroi home, my home and disrespected everyone under its roof. Including Alexander. His arrogance and actions are what has ruined the relationship of his Moroi and I. We will not apologise for protecting those in our _home._ They can apologise. The next move is theirs but I am not hopeful.”

 

Spiridon turns away from him and runs his hands over his face.

 

“The Ozera’s have family in the East.” Ben perks up, looking between the others. “We could go through Lucas or Tasha to have ears on the ground.”

 

“The name is too closely rumoured with strigoi.” Spiridon says loudly, spinning around. His cheeks are flushed. “Even a whisper of a rumour would make The Circle weary. Zemy will know about Lucas’ trip to the old country, about his inquiries, meetings, he’ll know like we do.”

 

“Joining the Colliation will circulate quickly.” Victor replies. “If anything it will confuse them by contradicting their suspicions. We could also into circulate new rumours…Lucas was trying to weed out pack leaders perhaps.”

 

“If he were trying to that the Strigoi would have dealt with him.” Spiridon says flatly.

 

“We circulate that too.” Ben suggests sitting up straighter. “A strigoi attacked their home in Arizona, their guardians were injured but luckily no deaths. Hans would cooperate with that. The strigoi’s body would be on his records now.”

 

“That very well might work.”  Victor says quietly, rubbing his chin.

 

“Whatever.” Spiridon spits. “Let’s just throw away months of building connections and loyalty. I mean, Jesus, you have to see why Alec got the idea he did.”

 

The room goes very still. My nails dig into the wood of the newel as Spiridon glances over at me.

 

“It’s not exactly out of the ordinary to have a kept blood whore and -“

 

Dimitri’s on his feet before Spiridon’s words have sunk past my eardrums.

 

Just as fast Ben is between the two men.

 

“Enough!” Victor yells and stands.

 

Even though he is nowhere as menacing as the others his posture and voice radiate authority.

 

“We will go with the Ozera idea and Spiridon you will learn to keep your insensitive reasoning’s to yourself. I do not care if Alec thought it was an open invitation the fact remains he was sorely mistaken and he attacked a member of our home which is unforgivable. Understand that or so help me I will make Ben move aside.”

 

Spiridon inhales deeply and I think he’s going to argue. I picture Ben moving aside and he and Dimitri ripping each other apart.

 

“I didn’t mean to justify what he did.” Spiridon apologies, his voice more stable. “Sorry.”

 

“No, I didn’t think you did.” Victor says.

 

His green eyes are like flint.

 

Spiridon steps away from Ben, whose face is carved from stone and behind him Dimitri is scarily expressionless. Except for his eyes, from here they looked entirely black.

 

“I didn’t mean any disrespect.”  Spiridon says, turning to Dimitri.

 

There’s obviously something else going on here. Something behind the words but I have no idea what it is.

 

“That’s the most frustrating part.” Dimitri replies, deathly low.

 

“Sit down boys.”  Victor orders.

 

Spiridon sits first, and then Dimitri and (no longer a buffer) Ben takes a seat beside him.  Even though Dimitri had been the one ready to fight Ben looked angrier.

 

Anxiety had wormed it way in between my bandages and was tickling my ribs. I untangle myself from behind the newel and slip away into the kitchen.

 

I’ve browsed every cupboard once and about to take another lap, turning over possibilities in my head, when Ben walks in.

 

Immediately I panic that without him in the room Dimitri and Spiridon will have no one to keep them from fighting.

 

“Don’t worry.” He smiles. “War has been avoided.”

 

I swallow and close the cupboard door I’d just opened.

 

**War:**

_noun_

  1. _a state of armed conflict between different countries or different groups within a country._



 

Did that make Spiridon America and Dimitri Russia?

 

“I just told you not to worry.”

 

I snap out of it and try to smile at Ben, who’s leaning against the island, but it feels like a weird spasm on my face.

 

“Are they…they don’t like each other do they?”

 

“Doesn’t really matter if they do.” Ben answers, plucking an apple out of the fruit bowl. “They’re here to do a job.”

 

I bite my lip. I understood that, how it didn’t matter what you liked or didn’t, you just had to do as expected. But it was different here… or so they kept telling me.

 

“Do you like them?” I ask quietly.

 

The apple pauses at his lips.

 

“Yes.But don’t tell Spiridon.” He winks and bites into his apple.

 

His crunching reminds me why I’m in here and I go back to opening cupboards, hoping a solution will present itself.

 

“We stuffed ourselves full of your cookies.” Ben says thickly. “Soup and sandwiches will be alright. We’re not sitting down tonight anyway.”

 

“Right...”

 

I go back to the first cupboard with all the cans.

 

“Tomato?”

 

“Yeah and oh, we can have grilled cheese with it.”

 

I take out all the canned tins of tomato soup, four, trying to calculate if it would be enough. I could always have something else.

 

I lift out a pot and turn on the hob to heat.

 

“What do you need me to do chef?” Ben asks, disposing of his apple core.

 

“Um…”

 

 I deliberate telling him I don’t need help but something stops me…but then I begin to push it aside.

 

“I can grate the cheese?” He says before I can speak. “Surely I couldn’t screw that up.”

 

I yank on the pull on top of the can. “Okay.”

 

“And what can I do?” A new voice asks.

 

I look up from pouring the soup into the pot to Dimitri standing in the entryway. His eyes had warmed back to brown.

 

“Too many cooks.” Ben grins, closing the fridge.  “Pass me a plate, Rose.”

 

I pull one from the rack by the sink and notice some soups splashed onto my sleeve. I pass over the plate and then push them up my arms. They were getting so grubby.  I catch Dimitri watching me and I try not to think that he’s seeing the jut of my wrist or how thin my arms are. I try not to but I do.

 

“Well then I won’t get in the way.” Dimitri replies. “I’ll take Victor’s up to his office when it’s ready.”

 

“Spiridon still up there?”

 

“He’s going on the run as soon as the case files printed.” Dimitri says and I notice the shift under his tone. How there’s a more serious base underneath his voice when discussing issues to do with Guardian business… or Victors business. “Put his in the oven or something.”

 

“Turn on the grill.” Ben says.

 

“I already have.” I respond and reach for the bread bin.

 

I’m counting out the slices when I glimpse what Ben’s been doing.

 

“Did you use the entire block?” I blurt out.

 

Ben and Dimitri had been talking in low tones but now they stop.

 

“Uh, yeah.” Ben says. “Why do you need more? I can run out and get some.”

 

My tongue won’t work. He’d grated 500g of cheese and the mound was sitting proudly above the rim of the bowl.

 

“How many sandwiches are you having?” Dimitri asks.

 

“Four.” Ben answers easily. “Why? How many are you having?”

 

“Well…one.” Dimitri says.

 

“Dude, you need your calcium.” Ben says, shaking his head like Dimitri is ridiculous.

 

“But...you ate all those cookies.” I say.

 

Ben looks back at me innocently. “Yeah.”

 

Thankfully Dimitri shares a disbelieving look with me.

 

“Spiridon will have two.” Ben says, defence streaking through his tone.

 

“I’ll have two then.” Dimitri says.

 

“You can hardly lecture me on cheese when you have your own secret hoard.”

 

A bubbling noise from the stove grabs my attention and I stir the soup.

 

Ben and Dimitri start preparing the grilled cheese, deciding it better to put so many slices in the oven to melt under the grill.

 

I ladle out soup into five bowls and Dimitri puts one on a tray, along with a sandwich and takes it up to Victor.

 

“What did you mean by hoard?” I ask Ben as he flips over his sandwich in a pan. It was an art to get it perfectly golden apparently.

 

“Chocolate.” Ben says and then flashes me a grin, which widens at my confusion. “He loves it. Has to have his own seperate Tupperware container full of it. That’s just in the kitchen, pretty sure he has one in his room. He probably has them all over the house. Like a squirrel.”

 

“So the stuff in the cupboard. The chocolate, biscuits…?”

 

“That’s for everyone.” Ben says and slides his ‘perfect’ sandwich onto a plate. “That’s not Dimitri’s hidden stuff. We’ve looked for it before…never found it. He’s an odd one.”

 

It’s quiet for a moment as Ben tries to fit two more of his sandwiches into the pan.

 

“He’s smart.” I murmur.

 

“The odd one’s are.” Ben says and wiggles his eyebrows at me.

 

It’s so ridiculous that a sensation that I’d forgotten bubbles up my throat and I laugh.

 

Ben’s eyebrows stop wiggling and shoot up. I cover my mouth in shock, titters still spilling between from between my lips. Ben’s face bursts into a giant grins that throws me even further. Heat floods into my cheeks and sinking down into my chest.

 

 I feel…silly.

 

“Here, you have this one. Ben special.” He says and slides one of his sandwiches onto a plate. “Now go eat it before it cools. It best when the cheese is all gooey and you dip it into the soup.”

 

“But-”

 

He makes a shushing noise and nods sternly at the breakfast bar. 

 

There’s no point in arguing so I take my bowl and my sandwich and do as I’m told.

 

I’m hopping up on the stool when Dimitri comes back. He throws a peculiar look my way which makes my spoon pause mid stir but the moment passes and he’s collecting his own soup from the side.

 

/

 

Climbing the stairs to my room feels like climbing a mountain. I am exhausted. My dinner (it was weird having a ‘dinner’…it was weird having meals) was sitting warmly in my tummy, which was a little swollen under her sweater. 

 

Ben and Dimitri had insisted I went to bed and let them clear away the dishes. I should have protested but I yawned so wide I thought my jaw might crack and that had made my cheek twinge.  I wouldn’t have been able to argue after that, it would have been a waste of time. And if I’m being honest, I selfishly wanted to take their offer.

 

But I couldn’t get lazy.

 

Days ago I would never dream of leaving a job unfinished. Days ago food would not have made me sleepy. Days ago no one would have stopped a Guardian from taking what he wanted.

 

Strange…how so much had changed in only a few days. It felt like weeks and mere hours at the same time.

 

“Rose.” A soft voice calls down the landing.

 

I pause in front of my door and see that Victor’s office door is ajar, light stretching out from it into the hall.

 

He must have heard me coming up the stairs. Had I been loud? Or was his sense just as sharp, if not sharper, than Dhampirs?

 

I shuffle forward trying to push the tiredness in my brain back and ignore the bed calling out to me, my only friend.

 

I lift my hand to knock but he beckons me in and I push the door open wider and step inside.

 

 The lamp in the corner was the only thing lit. Mr Dashkov sits behind his desk, hands clasped in front of him looking like he’d been expecting me for a while. I almost apologise. He’s shed his jacket and his pale grey shirt made me notice the few strands of silver in his hair.

 

I’d been avoiding meeting his eyes, not fully believing what Dimitri had said about his temper. I had disobeyed a Guardian, I had resisted and even though I didn’t regret it I couldn’t believe that it wouldn’t have consequences. I would like to believe Dimitri but he wasn’t the one in power here.

 

I was not ignorant to the importance Mr Dashkov’s guest had been to him and I had made nuisance of myself and Dimitri had gotten involved.

 

I hoped Dimitri wasn’t in trouble.

 

If I’d been an obedient girl I wouldn’t have done anything. I would have let Alec get on with it and it would be over and it would no longer be hanging over my head. But I had never been good at doing what I was told.

 

What would my mother say?

 

Nothing most likely. She’d just look at me with that sad, disappointed look she always had. And if she ever knew how much I liked it, the electric zip that spurted from my heart when I took Alec’s stake, and the pure satisfaction that flooded me when the stake hit the floor I think she would kill me. She’d kill me before they killed me. 

 

I was more afraid that being rebuked would make that fire inside me answer in defiance. I worry about that fire…I worry it was the one that leapt on Dimitri’s offer before I could even think.

 

When I finally meet his gaze I’m shocked.

 

His green eyes are kind.

 

“It’s been a long day.” He begins in a quiet murmur.

 

“Yes si- yes”

 

“I told you.” He says with a small smile. “Call me sir and I’ll start calling you miss.”

 

I look down at her shoes.

 

 

“I’m sure you want to get off to bed so I won’t keep you.  I just wanted to express my sincerest apologies for what happened. I do not want you to think that I’ve been lying to you or making empty promises.”

 

I’m not stunned by his words but his tone…he sounds sad, the kind of sad that’s in your soul.

 

I just want to be in my room.

 

“I never had any inclinations to suspect Alec. I trusted my friend’s judgement, blindly perhaps, as I cannot account a man’s characters based on what I know of his employer.”

 

I glance up to see his eyes are closed and he’s rubbing his temples.

 

“I forget sometimes, the depravity that lurks within the cracks of our world. I shouldn’t but I do, especially when I’m with the boys.”

 

He drops his hands to his desk and smiles softly.

 

“I know you must not think much of Spiridon but he is not all bad. I really do believe he never thinks before he speaks. He’s not as sensitive to others as Dimitri is, he says what he thinks and that does have its uses. I apologise on his behalf if he has offended you.”

 

I wasn’t offended by Spiridon. I didn’t much care for his thoughts.

 

“It was quite arrogant of me to be so comfortable today. I should have thought about you and how the others would react to you.  I have just been so occupied by other things…I do hope you can forgive me, Rose.”

 

I nod.

 

“Thank you. I’ll allow you to get some rest now. Is your medication helping with your arm?”

 

I nod.

 

“Good, good… well goodnight, dear.”

 

My movements are awkward as I step out of the room and close the door behind me. I hear him sigh.

 

Heavily I walk down the hall and into my sanctuary.

 

I lean against the door and find the hole in the carpet, a neat indention, a clear marker that today had been real. It had finally happened, the nightmare had come true. The thing that had been following me like a shadow for the past year had finally tried to capture me, smother me…break me. But someone disrupted it. Someone dragged the shadow back in a blazing fury.

 

 

I had tried to do it myself but I was too weak. He had been right, I was too vulnerable. But he was going to show how not to be. Maybe it would utilize the fire within me, make it an actual force to be reckoned with and not just tepid spittle that gets me into trouble. I could have my own blazing light.

 

I was getting ahead of myself, being a stupid dreamer. Dreaming could be dangerous. Dreaming had killed Eddie.

 

My throat becomes very tight and my eyes start to sting.

 

_No no no no no no no._

_Push. It. Back._

My nails dig into my palms and I use that pain to anchor me.

 

I breathe out, staring at the ceiling and wait for my chest to settle.

 

When it finally does I push away from the door and walk toward my friend, ignoring the hole in the floor and trying not to think if Mr Dashkov knew about it.

 

It’s not until I reach the bedside that I realize there are folded garments below the pillows.  The one folded on top is a cream just off from the colour of the covers which is way I hadn’t noticed it immediately.  Curiously I pick it up and shake it out.

 

A pair of soft trousers.  They were slim and looked like they would sit neatly on me. Just by the length I knew they were Natalie’s.

 

I remember how Dimitri had asked if I had been sleeping in my clothes…and today he’d caught me rubbing at the marks I’d gotten on my sleeves. I hadn’t taken enough care.

 

I almost fold the trousers up. I didn’t want to take another girl’s clothes, not when she wasn’t here to have anything to say about it but looking at my grubby cuffs makes me pause.  I had to wash these clothes at some point. It wasn’t like back there where washing them was pointless and nobody but me much cared what they looked or smelled like.

 

Mr Dashkov would care. He was the one who’d ordered I’d be cleaned up before coming here. Also the thought of being around the other men looking dirty made my face spasm.  Spiridon would have too much fun making comments.

 

I put down the trousers and pick up the other item which was a charcoal colour. I shake it out, expecting it to be a shirt of Natalie’s but it’s much bigger and then the smell brushes my nose. Washing powder with that heavier undertone… it was very faint because it had been newly washed but it was still there.

 

This was Dimitri’s shirt.

 

I pinch it tighter between my fingers.

 

Why would he give me his shirt? It was much too big, too long but…I think I like that. I liked the idea of being concealed under it…protected.

 

I look back at Natalie’s trousers and I know they’re going to cling to my legs more than I was used to. I realize then that her tops may be the same. I also realize that Dimitri had known that would make me uncomfortable.

 

I sway on the spot, completely struck by the gesture.

 

I turn to the door, my mind already half made up to go and find him.

 

But I don’t. Instead I pull off her sweater and her jeans, somehow feeling lighter as I do. I pull on Natalie’s trousers, loving how soft and supple they are.  They tapered in at my ankles and I imagined they would be much shorter on Natalie.

 

The bandages nip at my ribs and it’s especially sore on the right side where I’d hit the bedframe earlier.

 

I could shower in the morning. I’d been thinking about it today. How amazing it had felt back there under the warm water and how it had melted away days of dirt.  I wasn’t filthy right now, not by the standards I was used to, but my hair was getting a little greasy and if Mr Dashkov cared about my clothes being clean I suppose he’d care about me being clean too.

 

I glance at the door, checking I’d locked it behind me and then I start trying to pry the bandages loose. My mother had made them really tight and after a couple of minutes I begin to think I might have to shower with them on.

 

Finally I manage to pry the edge loose from under my shoulder blade and I yank it free. Every loop I unravel feels so good. I hadn’t realised how restricted I had been, I’d been too distracted. I fold the bandages up and put them on the bedside, checking once more that the door is locked.

 

I pull on Dimitri’s shirt.

 

The material is cool and crisp against my skin and it feels…odd. Like I could never tell anyone about this, not that I ever would, I wouldn’t be able to explain even if I wanted to tell someone. I wouldn’t be able to explain why I felt like I was doing something…not indecent…but private.

 

What was wrong with me?

 

I shake my head and fold my arms, loving that there was a lot of material around my body. I felt I could breathe easier now… I felt safer.

 

I find myself smiling.

 

I knew I’d sleep better now. I’d been worried that being in here alone would make the ghosts of today play out and keep me awake or that they’d follow me into dreaming.

 

I climb into bed and reach behind the drawers for the dessert I’d hidden there where it would stay cool.

 

I’m careful eating in the bed, not caring how irresponsible it was because I was something I never imagined I could be.  I was utterly content.


	11. Never reveal everything your thinking.

**DPOV**

**_“Talk low, talk slow, and don’t talk too much.” – John Wayne_ **

****

“How is Natasha?” Victor asks.

I swallow my mouthful of coffee and calculate how much of the truth he wants. Victor finishes the sentence he’s been writing in his journal and shuts it, turning to me as he pushes it aside. He wanted as much truth as I willing to give then.  

“Worried.” I say, putting down my mug and lowering the transcript to my lap. “Moira was livid already but Christian leaving has made her …worse. Talking to her is impossible.”

“Yes, Hans did mention it in his update.” Victor frowns, rubbing his forehead. “Her and Lucas are at each other’s throats and when they’re not she locks herself away and drinks.”

“They call Tasha to condemn her for what she has done and demand to speak to Christian, who refuses and she takes further backlash.” I sigh and knead the knot at the back of my neck. “I feel like we’ve helped tear her family apart.”

“We didn’t tear anything apart. That family was frayed and slowly unravelling to the point of self-destruction. If anything we’ve given them a chance, we’ve given Natasha and that boy a chance. Lucas and Moira will have to pull themselves back from the edge. We’ve offered them a rope.”

“She knows what she’s done is right but it still hurts her. It’s her family at the end of the day and half of them hate her.”

“Anger and denial are the first steps. They will come around.”

I regard him from across the desk. “Do you honestly believe that?”

He smiles meekly. “I hope for it. I’ll do my best to steer Lucas in the right direction. Moira will be more difficult.”

It was going to take a lot more than hope to convince Moira Ozera of her wrongs and even if we did I doubt that woman would show remorse. Maybe it could be counted as an act of subconscious self-preservation, who would be able to live with themselves knowing how many lives they’d ruined? How many lives have not been lives at all because of such evil greed? And it wasn’t just the Ozera’s, this disgusting oppression lurked in the fissures of our world. The monarchy’s fall hit us like an earthquake and everyone vulnerable got snatched down into the dark crevices that split the moroi apart.

It needed to change. I had to believe it would change.

To think of all those left behind at the Ozera’s, cooped up like mistreated cattle in the barn…to think we’d left them there, it sickened me. It kept me awake at night and the only things that kept me anchored from the whirlwind of fury I felt within my soul was the bigger picture Victor painted. It would take time to mend something so broken, just like bones and hearts need time. But I hated it. I hated it all. And looking at Rose caused such a riotous reaction within me because she embodied everything that got under my skin like glass.

Rose. She was a curious thing. She wasn’t broken but she was fragile and I had seen she was strong in ways I would never have imagined.  Then again, scar tissue is stronger, I have more than enough knowledge about that.

“At the very least, we’ve done Christian some good.”  I agree.

I think Tasha would be okay in the long run. I knew whatever they had said to her had hurt her far more than she’d allow me to know.  But despite this she was glad to have Christian with her, where she knew he was safe and away from his parents poison. 

 _‘I understand now, Dimika.’_ She told me quietly, her soft voice in my ear as I lay on my bed last night. _‘What you meant by sacrificing what you have in order to save it.’_

 I’d call her again later. Coax her into better topics of conversation than this mess, unless she wanted to talk about it. I’d be there when she was ready.

“I would argue we’ve saved that boy.” Victor sighs and lifts his mug.

He drinks and his computer screen flashes, an email alert from Spiridon.  He doesn’t hide his screen from me or minimize the window as he replies.  A part of me felt I should say something about that, his obvious trust in me. I hadn’t been here long enough for him to be so at ease, it worried me a little. Not that there was any reason for Victor to warrant suspicion, I just hadn’t earned it. Not by the standards I held anyway.  But this doesn’t stop my reading the message.

Knowledge was power and being aware of Spiridon’s movements was something I felt I shouldn’t neglect. I had never met such a smart imbecile before.

“Speaking of children” Victor begins as he types. Spiridon had managed to make the deliver to Ivashkov’s man without messing it up. “How do you think Rose is doing? Really. The whole business sickens me.”

I put the transcript aside.

“Honestly? I think she’s going to be fine. She looks weak but I think we ought to give her more credit.”

“To fight back like that it was either tremendously brave or stupid.” He says quietly, finishing his email.

I take a sip of coffee.

“You met Rose’s mother didn’t you? How was she?”

I purse my lips and dissect some of my thoughts from the mass bulk I’d been turning over in my mind.

“Hard. It was a brief meeting but she was always solid, her posture, demeanour, even the way she spoke to Rose. You would say she was almost cold. I suppose you would have to be… in that position. I think Rose had absorbed some of that hardness.”

“I often think she is thinking far more than she is saying.” He says, surprising me.

 I’d decided the very same thing and the curiosity of what was going on behind her dark eyes almost maddened me.

“She seems the most at ease around you though.” He says.

I look up from my mug and I would wager the surprise had worked its way into my expression.

Victor is smiling gently. “In which I mean she doesn’t…react as much. Is that insensitive? I beg your pardon if so. I just mean to say that, I worry that she’s too accustomed to denying her needs she won’t tell us when something is bothering her.”

“I’m not entirely sure she’d tell me. She feels undeserving of things.”

“We’ll give it some more time…I don’t want to use compulsion any more than I have to. It’s hard to be sure what kind of repercussions it may have in the future. I was thinking about hiring a tutor somewhere along the line. She’s past the critical stage of learning but perhaps there’s still a chance of some basic spelling and such.”

I weigh it up before speaking.

“I’m nearly positive she can already.”

Victors head snaps around from the screen. 

“What makes you think that?”

“She mouths the words on labels in the kitchen and in Keith’s office there were a few literary mementos of alchemist mottos. Her eyes moved across the passage in the way I knew she was reading and when I showed her the library her expression gave her away. She was fascinated.”

That was when I had been sure I was right. The awe on her face had brightened her eyes. The books excited her or held some other importance that would not be viable if she could not read.

“Incredible.” Victor breathes. “But how would she have… her mother? He said on the plane hadn’t she? Her mother has not always been on that ranch.”

“That’s what I think.”

“Incredible.” He says again and rubs his chin. “So were did she come from?”

I had been wondering the same thing. There were other pieces of evidence to support Rose’s mother being her teacher but I didn’t feel inclined to tell Victor about the Blood Promise.

“A raid maybe or she could have been snatched.” I say.

“Surely someone would have come looking for her.”

“Unless it was organised.”

He looks as disturbed by the thought as I am.

“It is a mystery and hopefully one day we’ll have the answer to it.”

“You could negotiate her mother’s freedom.”

Victor sighs.

“I could. Perhaps if I was a better man…but I cannot risk antagonising them any further. If they really wanted to, I know Moira and Lucas could work out a way to contact their strigoi friends. Right now they have weakened morale and are yielding to my demands.  I have Hans looking out for the other Dhampirs, they’re being treated better.”

“What about other ill treatments? There’s a reason Rose was able to fight through her fear today. She was angry, she knew what was happening.”

Victor looks mildly at me and I realize I am in danger of having to check myself.

“I’m doing my best Dimitri.” He says. “I trust Hans. I know you find it hard to do that so let me.”

“Ofcourse. I apologise.”

“Nonsense.” He says, graciously brushing it off.

 Much obliged I take the final sip of my coffee and realize it was my sixth today. Tasha was going to give me an earful about that later. I had been trying to cut it down but I hadn’t been mindful about it today. My mind had been where it wasn’t supposed to be too often lately.

I could always use the lack of cocoa powder as an excuse.

“There was something I did want to talk to you about.” Victor says and the solemnness in his voice has my full attention.

He clasps his hands in front of him. What was coming made him uncomfortable. Personal relativity perhaps, Natalie was coming home tomorrow.

“I don’t mean to pry but I was wondering how you are.”

My mistake, not his personal circumstance, mine.

“I worry the last couple of days have days been trying.”

I’m too aware of how rigid I’ve become. I count to three before answering.

“I appreciate your concern Victor but there is nothing at all to be worried about.”

He tilts his head.

 He didn’t believe me.

“Maybe worried is too strong a word. I know certainly the strength in your character but we all have weak points Dimitri. And I do know yours.”

I uncurl the fingers of my left hand that had been close to becoming a fist. Thankfully my right hand is holding my mug.

I liked Victor but I knew he made manipulative plays. Manipulation was the most effective when  it could be filtered into the blood stream like poison, ready to prey or pull on which ever emotion you knew to be weakest. But what could he gain from this? Perhaps he was showing genuine concern. His body language showed the topic made him nervous, anticipating my reactions made him nervous which would aid the argument he was concerned.

What could he gain from my omission that these past few days have been pushing me to my limits? He already knew it had but what could be said for me admitting to it? Was he looking for honesty?

Was he just concerned for me?

 The uncertainty was maddening.

If he wanted honesty he would have it. In regards to the work ethic we had honesty was needed, so I would dispel enough to assure him.

“I won’t insult you by saying I haven’t found it difficult. We all have. Parts have resonated with me uneasily but I have a handle on it.”

He holds my gaze.

“If Ben and Spiridon hadn’t pulled you off today, would you have stopped?”

“If it had been Natalie would we be having this conversation?”

He looks away.

“I’m not trying to say Rose’s safety is below that of Natalie or any other person. Natalie is my daughter and if she had been harmed in the same way then I would revel in the pain inflicted on the man who had dared. I would prolong his agony until he begged to die.”

Victor’s quiet voice was encased in dark vindication, making every word a warning that even I felt.

He turns back to me and I realize he had been staring at the photo of his late wife by his paperweight.

“I don’t disagree with your actions today. What I mean is, Natalie is my daughter and I love her more than anything else in this world, and if anyone tried to hurt her of course I would kill them. But what is Rose to you?  Why did you nearly kill a man over a girl you’ve known all a few days?”

I am quite certain I’m losing control of my expression.

“You don’t think he deserved-“

“No, Dimitri. I do. I do believe anyone with that evil disposition deserves far worse than death but what I mean is, why did you lose control like that? Why were you moved to so much anger that it blacked out your reason, you, who is so grounded and level about everything we’ve ever discussed in the past seven months. I would lose control because Natalie is my heart.”

My expression no longer concerns me. I felt unnerved. More so because I didn’t have an answer, I didn’t have a clarifying reason that didn’t jeopardise my limits of omission.  My mind is grappling and the least I can manage is to keep my face blank.

“I’m worried that your accepting more responsibility than you need to.” He says gently. “We all are going to look out for Rose, we are going to help her and encourage her so she is able to stand on her own.  In the end it will come to that you realize, she will be standing on her own. She looks to you right now but she can’t become fully dependent on you Dimitri. It isn’t fair.”

I take slow, steadying breath.

“I understand what you’re saying and why you’re worried. My reaction was based subjectively. It shouldn’t have been.  I know how important it is for Rose to grow here while she has the time. I think she’s fully capable of standing on her own.”

Roses’ mother flashes in my mind. How remote and cold she looked when her daughter needed her comfort. I think Rose had been standing alone more than Victor or I realize.

He nods and leans back in his armchair.

“I hope so and obviously I mean to support her for however long and in whatever way we can. I don’t mean to just write her off as soon as possible.”

“I never thought so.”

He smiles gently and it hits me just how compelling he could be. How comfortable or uncomfortable you could be in his presence. His natural ability to draw you in and mould you to his will.

Maybe I was overreacting.

 Maybe.

“I should tell you.” I begin, setting my mug down on its coaster. I lean back and make me shoulders relax. “I offered to teach Rose self-defence.”

Victor’s eyebrows rise ever so slightly. “Oh?”

“I hope that wasn’t too bold. I just feel that it’s something, in her case, is needed.”

“I see. And what was her response?”

“She wants to learn.”

Victor clasps his hands on his stomach. “I see.”

He reminded me of Galina or rather how Galina made me feel under scrutiny, that there could be something to find or root out of me. Possibly something I wasn’t even aware of.

“Do think she is mentally and physically ready for that?”

“Not at all, not right now anyway. I’ll work more protein into her diet and wait until she’s sufficiently gained more weight. As for mentality, I hope time helps her prepare for that.”

Trying to teach Rose anything right now would be a train wreck…for both of us. Setting the physical aside (which would make it impossible for her to deflect me or for me to land proper, almost authentic blow) mentally she was not ready. She wouldn’t be able to follow instructions, she hadn’t put enough distance between herself and Arizona yet.

“And if it doesn’t?”

That struck a cold cord.

“Then I can’t teach her. I’m sure Ben would be willing.”

Victor stares at me for a beat and then nods. He understood. He understood more than I was comfortable with.

 _Relax_.

“I think it’s a good idea. She needs as much help as we can give her. This, after all, is a hard world to live in.”

/////

It’s close to dawn before I leave Victors suite.

I’d been on the phone to a contact in Omsk, an ex-Guardian who had understandably resigned from this duty, if not unhonourable.

I understood running away, I just didn’t agree with it.

He had heard rumours of The Circle being active and sabotaging a Strigoi nest in the city’s underground following a mass amount of killings that the humans were labelling a serial killer liable for. Fortunately the police hadn’t arrested anyone yet.

The problem with rumours though was self-evident. We needed to be sure, we needed proof and there was a chance that informant was lying to us. He could be under The Circle’s influence or within it.

The trip would have to come after the conference at court. We needed to get things under control here first before we left, cracking down on Lucas being priority.

 I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about it. Not because of Lucas, I would lean as hard as Victor needed me to on him, but because of Tasha. You couldn’t help who your family was and consequently, you couldn’t help loving them.

She’ll be waiting on my call tonight, despite the hour. After the rushed and vague explanation I had given her earlier after leaving Rose she’d made me promise to call her back.

She worried too much about me.

She shouldn’t.

More guilt adds to that I already felt.

“You’re thinking face is dangerously close to a homicidal one.”

I’d reached the next landing and turn toward Spiridon, who was poised in front of his bedroom door. He must have just gotten back and was heading to bed. That or he had heard me leave Victors suite and headed for a refuge.

Sunlight was peeking over the clouds and stretching through the decks windows, making me aware of how tired I actually was.

I stare back at him. “Homicide could be on my mind.” The small bob of his throat is a small tell but it is still a tell. “But we just had the carpets cleaned.”

I turn away from him.

He sighs. “Earlier you know I didn’t mean-“

“I know.”

“Look, Dimitri. I am sorry.”

I look back over my shoulder. “I know.”

His normally haughty face has alien, sheepish expression on it.

“We’ve just put in so much work, I don’t have to tell you that. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, I didn’t mean to justify Alec, I don’t agree with what he did. I was too focused on what we were losing instead of seeing the bigger picture.”

That was one of his biggest pitfalls, a narrow view, but I had to give him some credit. It couldn’t be easy for him to be saying this to me. And because no one else was present to witness this I almost could believe he was being genuine.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m not.”

He visible relaxes and that impish smirk is once again back on his face. He leans his shoulder against the wall and crosses his arms.

“I thought she’d give us an advantage, know things about back there but so far she just twitches. Do you think that will stop? Decent enough cook though.”

He looks at me with amused curiosity.

“You do know things like that are why most people assume you’re an impatient moron.”

“But you know better.”

I wish I could say I didn’t get paid enough for this.

His smirk opens into a grin. He really does think he can bait me into these childish games but one of us isn’t a child anymore.

“Goodnight Spiridon.” I turn away once more. “I would be nicer to Rose. She does handle your food after all.”

I pad down the hallway and the sound of his door closing follows me. I pause just outside Roses’s door, listening. She’d surely be asleep now. I hoped so. The events of today could be depriving her of some peace, peace which she more than deserved after many years of cruelty.

The bannister creeks under my fingers and I hastily let go.

I stand for a few more minutes, not entirely sure why, when fatigue presses me forward into my bedroom.

Victor was not the only person I may have to apologise to for being too bold. I hoped giving Rose my shirt would give her another dose of freedom, frankly a small one. To have more choices, even in something as small as clothing. I also hoped it would help ease her into being more accepting of things offered to her. She was reluctant to borrow from Natalie and now I had pushed that on her. I hoped she didn’t push back.

Stubborn little thing.

I take off my shirt and throw it over the chair by desk. I flop down onto the bed and pull my phone from my pocket. I hit speed dial.

It rings twice.

“Rough night?”  Natasha greets, sleep heavy in her voice.

“Nothing that needs to keep us up. I can call you tomorrow.”

“No, no. I’ve waited this long. Talk to me Dimika.”

I shut my eyes and the dim room disappears.

Where to begin?


	12. Homecoming.

It was pleasantly warm, just the right temperature. It must be early. Perfect, it wasn’t time to get up yet. This hardly ever happens, waking and having the sweet joy of knowing I had more time to sleep. Or feeling her pressed against my back, before she’d move away and leave me alone.

 

I sigh.

 

Fresh cotton fills my nose.

 

Blearily I open my eyes.

 

Real life is sharp in my face.

 

 

I was wrapped up snuggly between the large pillows, the thick duvet wrapped around me like soft and warm cocoon, not the threadbare blanket or the shallow mattress.

 

My mother was not here. She would never be here.

 

I roll over and her pendent falls against my collarbone.  I toy with it between my fingers and stare up at the white ceiling.

 

My cheek pulses beneath my eye.

 

 Maybe I should have applied the salve to it but something held me back. Tending to my arm last night behind the locked door of the bathroom I kept glimpsing my reflection. All the small cuts, scars and bruises … I didn’t want to hide them. It wasn’t that I liked the marks it just felt wrong to cover them up like they never happened. They meant things. They reminded me that I wasn’t staying my rightful place. That I wasn’t sure where it was anymore but I was still okay, skin had been broken but I hadn’t been. Not yet anyway.

 

Was I going to break?  Who or what would do it? Did it even matter?

 

If something broke in the world, when nobody in the world cared, did it matter it was broken?

I could disappear and there’d be nothing to say I was here. The only person that cared about me I had disappeared from already.

 

The silence presses down.

 

I push off the covers and sit up.

 

My clock’s first number is one lower than usual, meaning I had woken up earlier. I crawl to the side of the bed.

 

My feet touch down on the carpet, warm and plush. I pad toward the bathroom, bracing myself for the bite of the cold tiles but as I step through the doorway the stone is just as warm.

 

I change out of Dimitri’s shirt and Natalie’s pants into the Mistresses clothes which I’d left in here last night.

 

I turn the silver tap and eye one of the bottles Dimitri has left on the counter. It was labelled ‘face wash’. I pick it up and after rereading the back twice I pop it open. It didn’t smell of anything. I splash my face and then rub a blob of it between my palms and work it into lather. I glance up at my reflection but she doesn’t look anymore assured or confident than I did. I put my palms on my cheeks. After a few moments, in which my face doesn’t burst into flames or start melting, I start rubbing it around, careful not to put pressure on my bruise

 

It feels nice.

 

I crack open one eye and peer at my reflection. Through the steam I spy a frothy face in the mirror.

 

Oh no, ow, ow, bad idea! Now it was stinging.

 

Stupidly I try wiping at it with my fingers. 

 

 _Oh_ _hell!!!_

 

I fumble for the tap and start splashing my face.

 

Stupid, special soap!! I’d blinded myself, how was I going to explain that?

 

I search around for the flannel and when I finally find it I start wiping at my eyes. It would really, really suck if I went blind.  I put the cloth under the tap and work at getting all the soap off, which had now made skin feel kind of tight. I pat my face with a dry towel and start prodding my nose to see if it would loosen it up. Great, I felt like a raisin.  

 

Was this normal? Why was my skin tightening? I look back in the mirror but it seems fine, although there were now small flakes.  The bottle didn’t say anything about this.

 

 I go through the other things Dimitri had put under the sink and come across a blue jar labelled body lotion. The back says it’s to soothe dry skin.  It didn’t say I had to wash it off or anything.

 

I stand up with it between my hands and look in the mirror.

 

What could go wrong?

 

_Well, your whole face could start stinging like your eyes had and then you’d have to have a bath in the green salve._

 

I can only imagine how happy Keith would be if he got another visit from Dimitri.

 

Urgh, I was being ridiculous.

 

I unscrew the lid, unable to completely smudge out the smirk on my lips, and sniff the white cream. It looks thick. I scoop a bit out by my fingertip to find that it is. I didn’t want this heavy stuff on my face.  I put a small bit of it on my nose and rub it over the parts that are taut.

 

I wiggle my nose and my reflection does the same, her nose smudged with white paste. I rub it in more and outwards over my cheeks, unraisining myself. 

 

My skin feels smoother…maybe a little greasy.  I’m glad I only used a small glob.

 

I tug my hair out of its knot and take up the new brush. I would wash it later. In the shower or maybe I could have a bath… maybe both. That was the nice idea.

 

I pull my thick hair up into a high ponytail but it still hangs down between my shoulder blades.  Having my hair back made the marks on my face more noticeable but I like how high my cheekbones sat…how my eyes looked bigger.

 

I should let it down, pull it forward or twist my hair up modestly.

 

I stare at the girl in the mirror for a beat longer and walk out.

 

Something scrapes against by wrist and I look down at the cuffs of her sweater which have dough crusted into them. I’ll need to put it in the laundry but for now I pull the sleeves up my forearms and check the ankles of her jeans are securely rolled up.

 

I pause in front of the door and take a deep breath.

 

Another day.

 

Deal with what comes.

 

Bend, don’t break.

 

Do as I’m told and learn. Learn as much as I can by watching and listening, even when they think I’m not.

 

You survived by learning.

 

I pull back the lock on the door.

 

#

 

The hall is dim and I can’t hear anything as I pass Dimitri’s room. I wonder what he looked like sleeping. He was always so alert and sharp so how would he look under the vulnerability of sleep?

I stop on the stairs catching the weight of what I was thinking.  The only way I’d ever see Dimitri sleeping would be if I crept into his room to spy on him. I would never do that.

 

My nose has scrunched up at the thought of being a spy. Lurking about in the dark. He probably has a lock on his door like I do. So no one could spy or see us vulnerable.

 

An image of Dimitri watching me as I sleep unfolds in my head.

 

Heat creeps up my neck and I shake my head trying to wipe the picture away.

 

That was inappropriate. And weird. I was weird.

 

Eddie used to tell me so.

 

A shadow is being pushed back over my arm. The lights in the dining room and living room were slowly warming up the place with their glow. Were they set for a certain time or did they react to people presence?  There was one light that did that back at the Ozera’s, on the porch at the front.

Me and Eddie used to try and sneak past it as a game. It always caught us.

 

When I reach the bottom of the steps the lights have turned right up and I wander into the kitchen.

 

I turn on the stove in the oven, not sure what I was going to cook yet but better to let it heat anyway.

 

I grab a glass and turn on the tap at the sink. Above it the window is streaked with water.

 

How would outside smell?

 

In the summer when it rained at the Ozera’s it would smell of damp sandy dirt and blueberries. The rain didn’t fall hard in the summer and not really in the winter either.

 

The window looked like someone was continuously pouring a bucket over it. I press my hand up against the cool glass.

 

There’s a beep and I yank my hand back. The back door swings open and water sprays forward as it glances off someone’s black hood as they come into the kitchen.  My yelp and the noise of my glass crashing into the sink would be enough to rouse the whole house so there would be no way of hoping the intruder didn’t hear so I could run and –

 

“Sorry.” Dimitri says breathlessly.

 

He shuts the door behind him and pushes back his slick hood.

 

I swallow and force words out.

 

“It’s okay.”

 

It sounded like they almost choked me but I don’t think he notices. He’s pulling off his coat which water seems to be dripping off rather than soaking in to. I busy myself at the sink, refilling my glass.

 

“You’re up early.” He comments.

 

I nod.

 

“Do you want Coffee?”

 

“Sure. I need to cool down before I shower anyway.”

 

I glance over, well I intended to glance but I end up staring. His hair was pulled back to the nape of his neck and his cheeks were flushed, the pink complimenting the tan.  He’d removed his coat and hung it up by the door. His shirt clung to him. A back material that looked smooth to touch and supple. It was also quite fine. The black outlined the every rise and curve of his arms and shoulders. His chest wasn’t as defined by the material but it was rising and falling as it arched over the breakfast bar his elbows rested on.

 

“What?”

 

He was staring at my staring.

 

My stomach wanted to fall through the floor again.

 

“What were you doing?” I blurt out.

 

He unscrews the cap of the water bottle he’d carried in with him. “Running.”

 

He takes a drink and I flick the coffee machine on.

 

“So why are you up so early?” He asks.

 

“Because I woke up.”

 

“You didn’t want to sleep on?”

 

I shrug. “Not really.”

 

“I didn’t sleep great either.” He says quietly, so quiet I wasn’t sure I was supposed to reply or not. I don’t.

 

I pour out his steaming black, terrible drink and bring it to him.

 

“Thank you. Wait.” I go still under the order. His dark eyes are train on my face, on the bruise. “You didn’t use the salve.”  

 

My chest has gone tight but my heart is still thumping normally.

 

“No.”

 

He tilts his head. “Why not?”

 

“I don’t want to forget it or pretend to myself it didn’t happen.” 

 

I follow the vein in the marble counter top.

 

“I don’t think any of us are going to do that. Doesn’t the pain bother you?”

 

I shrug. “You can ignore pain.”

 

“So I’ve been told.”

 

I look up and his jaw set and he’s looking away. He brings his mug up to his tense lips.

 

“Do you have suggestions for breakfast?” I say, moving away to the fridge.

 

“Pancakes.” He says, turning at waist. “Do you like them?”

 

“I’ve never had them but I know how to make them.”

 

“We’re going to make banana protein pancakes.” He says, sliding the stool back and standing. “And bacon. Sound good?”

 

That sounded very good.

 

“Okay.”

 

We prep the pans and I follow his instructions in whisking eggs and mashing up bananas.

 

It was all going okay. I wasn’t watching his movements out of the corner of my eye, my limbs didn’t feel rigid or awkward and I was enjoying working beside him. Until he mentioned the oatmeal and I had to make that crap up.   My nose was scrunched up to my forehead the entire time.

 

“Your face is going to get stuck like that.” Dimitri says offhandedly as he checks the bacon under the grill.

 

I swallow a sticky glob and try not to grimace. It was food. I should always be grateful for food but the texture of this was like wet soil so it was hard to think of it as food.

 

“Blame this stuff.” I mumble.

 

It’s your fault really. You’re making me eat it so you can live with my screwed up face.

 

“It’s not that bad.”

 

“It is.”

 

I feel rather than see him roll his eyes at me.  I grin and pour more sugar into the bowl.

 

“The more you eat of it then the faster you’ll put on weight. If you don’t get diabetes first.”

 

I watch the mush fall off my spoon and back into the bowl with a plop. 

 

“How long do you think it will take?”

 

“Hard to say. There are different things you can eat to accelerate your progress but I think we should keep it as balanced as possible and not push your body to change too quickly. It’s the same with weight loss, doing anything drastic in a short space of time isn’t good.”

 

I shovel up more goop.

 

“But how long do you think?”

 

“Patience is not one of your strengths, is it?”

 

The oatmeal halts before my tongue as I look up at him. His stern face has softened slightly and he raises his eyebrows as he turns back to the grill.

 

I realize my mouth is gaping open with a spoon half in it. I chomp down and yank the spoon out.

 

Damn it.

 

I scrape the last of it into one big spoonful, figuring I’d rather chew through this huge mound than have to it three more times.

 

Dimitri turns to say something but pauses when he catches sight of my bloated cheeks.

 

Oh no, swallow. Swallow.

 

He turns back to the bacon.

 

I swallow hard, my throat aching with the effort.

 

I reach for my water, the coolness contrasting with my hot cheeks.

 

“They should be up soon. I’m going to go shower. Are you confident enough finishing up?”

 

I nod, watching how his shoulder blades move under them material which hints that his back is as sculpted as his arms.

 

How could people look that solid and yet be…likeable? I remember how he’d scooped me up in his arms so easily in the Ozera’s family room and at Keith’s house. I’d felt the hard plane of his body then but mostly I realised how warm he was. I was nearly always cold, especially my hands. I wonder was that to do with being so…light.

 

“Right I’ll-“

 

He’s cut off as a voice sounds from above followed by rapid thumping as someone charges down the stairs.

 

Dimitri strides to the entry as Ben hits the foyer, sliding on the floor in his socks and spinning in the same instant to catapult down the hall.

 

“What’s going on?” Dimitri barks making me flinch behind him.

 

He was a Guardian again.

 

“I forgot to reset!” Ben yells back, punching in the code. He was still in his pyjamas and his short dark hair was almost like Spiridon’s. The door beeps and Ben yanks it open and disappears into the underground room. In all his urgency he hadn’t made that much noise.

 

“Reset?” Dimitri shouts after him, taking a few steps down the hall as Spiridon appears on the stairs as if out of thin air.

 

“What the hell is going on?” He asks, his face still bearing creases of sleep but his grey eyes are alert.

 

“I don’t know.” Dimitri says as Ben rushes back into the hall holding a laptop.

 

“Check your phones!”   


“For what?” Dimitri asks, reaching into his back pocket.

 

How odd would it be if his trousers were the same material as his shirt? Thankfully there not. I look at the ceiling.

 

“Mines spazzing out.” Spiridon calls from where he’s now leaning on the banister, the little silver device in his hand.

 

Ben’s stationed himself on the sofa and is punching the keys of the laptop balanced on his knees.

 

“Mine isn’t responding.” Dimitri says.

 

I lean over and see the screen has gone blurry like it’s under water.

 

Ben swears loudly.

 

“Should we be doing anything Ben? Do you need help?”

 

“I cannot believe I’ve done this.” Ben grits out as his fingers skim across the keys, almost becoming blurred.

 

“Do I smell bacon?” Spiridon asks hopefully.

 

I nod.

 

“Wow, that’s a shiner.” He says, peering at my face.

 

I turn away so he can’t see.

 

Ben swears loudly and the devices Dimitri and Spiridon are holding start making a horrible screechy noise.

 

“Will you tell us what’s happening? Or should we wait until after it implodes?” Spiridon yells over the din, holding the phone away from him.

 

The noise cuts off and I see Dimitri’s phone screen go black.

 

“Ben, what’s happening?” Dimitri asks calmly.

 

Spiridon frown and clicks the buttons on his phone, I guess his has turned off too.

 

“Are they off?” Ben asks, putting the laptop on the coffee table.

 

“Yes.” Spiridon and Dimitri answer.

 

“Good.” Ben sighs and runs a hand over his head.

 

“An explanation? Anytime this morning please.” Spiridon says.

 

“I forgot to reset the system so the virus I designed started wiping everything.”

 

“How did you forget?” Spiridon asks disgustedly.

“So everything’s gone?” Dimitri asks.

 

“No, I froze it. I put in a code to act as an anomaly and confuse the virus so I had enough time to shut down everything that stores our data. It should give me enough time to rewrite the security system.”

 

Ben lets out a huge puff and sits back down, snatching his laptop back to his lap.

 

There’s a silence that follows.

 

“So…all our technology is fried?” Spiridon says, coming down the last of the stairs.

 

“For now.”

 

“Shit.”

 

“How long will it take you to fix everything?” Dimitri asks and by his tone I know this is a big problem.

 

Ben’s shaking his head. “A few hours at least, six tops.”

 

“This could be problematic. We have to pick Natalie up at twelve-thirty.” Dimitri says.

 

“I’ll get the boss.” Spiridon says, taking the stairs to at a time. He was as light and as quick as a cat.

 

“I can’t believe I’ve done this.” Ben says under his breath.

 

“Don’t you set reminders for these things?”

 

Ben pauses on the keys and looks up. He was ashamed behind his smooth expression. It was getting easier to read them. The impassive expressions were like the dark glass on the far wall, once opaque but becoming more translucent with the changing light.

 

“I did…then Sonya called me.”

 

Dimitri crosses his arms. “You put your personal life second. You know that.”

 

“I know. The ironic thing is that’s what I answered the phone to tell her…and then the reset went right out of my mind.”

 

Victor and Spiridon’s voice drift down the stairs and I step back into the kitchen to prep breakfast and make Victor’s coffee.

 

I pour the pancake batter into the skillet as the next room’s conversation darts in and out.

 

“…Is there call to be suspicious? Are you entirely sure this is fault of yours?”

 

“Yes…I designed it to attack our data encase it got into the wrong hands. I didn’t reset the master setting.”

 

“…Not usually like you….dissapointing….where does this leave us?”

 

Victor’s smooth and grave voice was his worst one I decide. I’d rather he be raving or yelling at Ben. Instead he was speaking to him like he had spoken to Master Ozera, when he had showed himself to be the real game master who was changing the rules.

 

“So I can’t reach my daughter on a secure line?...How long before our systems…”

 

I dish out one plate and add bacon. I pour the next mix into the pan as Dimitri’s calm voice adds direction to the conversation.

 

“I think we should go to the airport earlier….scout to be sure… commercial flight…”

 

“Yes, good idea. Spiridon and yourself.”

 

“Should we explain a little about our new pet?” I pause, the welfare of the next pancake balanced dangerously on my spatula. He meant me. I grit my teeth and with a flick of my wrist I flip the pancake. It splits down the middle.

 

There’s a reproachful tone and I can’t tell if it come from Dimitri or Victor.

 

“You know I meant it with love.” Spiridon voice is what an eye roll would sound like.

 

I shovel the pancake mess onto a plate. That would be Spiridon’s. And he could have only two bits of bacon to account for making me stress so much over the cookies yesterday.

 

“I’ll be the one to explain to Natalie about Rose.” Victor says.

 

A hard ball drops into my stomach and starts bouncing around.  Natalie. The girl in the photographs was coming home. She was my age or close to, I remember them saying that.

 

The pancake sizzles and I quickly flip it.

 

I dish it out onto a plate and make Victor’s coffee as the chatter from the next room becomes a much lower hum in the background.

 

Would he be angry the table wasn’t set yet? That ball starts growing and gets heavier.

 

I pick up the hot mug and walk as quickly and as composedly as I can into the other room. 

 

Victor is sitting on the arm of the couch, a pen and a note pad in his hands.

 

“How did we ever manage without phone before.” He mutters and then perks up as I approach. Or rather, as the coffee does.

 

“Splendid.” He murmurs taking it from me.

 

I swallow. “Should I set the table?”

 

Ben’s furiously tapping away on his laptop and Spiridon’s peering over his shoulder peering at the screen in distaste.

 

“No.” Victor replies, his attention back on the paper he holds. He hasn’t written anything.

I shift from foot to foot.

 

Spiridon is grinning at my awkwardness which makes the hot feeling pulse up my throat and blurt out words.

 

“Breakfast is ready.”

 

Victor lifts his head and blinks before understanding dawns on his face.

 

“Oh yes, sorry. Sorry, I didn’t quite make that connection.” He holds his mug up. “It hasn’t started working yet.”

 

“I was wondering when it would be.” Spiridon announces and pushes off the couch.

 

I glare at him and he winks.

 

I’m in danger of associating every cuss I’ve ever heard with his stupid face.

 

 Ben’s fingers were getting more frenzied on the keyboard and his face was locked in concrete concentration.

 

Victor glances at him and turns back to me. “I dare say he’s not going to move away from that thing for some time.”

 

He stands and starts walking to kitchen and I follow, trying to be ahead of Spiridon so he doesn’t take the wrong plate.  Victor perches at the breakfast bar, his attention back on his note pad as he taps the pen against the counter top.

 

Spiridon at least gets out cutlery for them both.

 

I lift two plates out of the oven where I’d been keeping everything warm.

 

“The plates are hot.” I say quietly, setting down Victors three perfectly stacked pancakes with a side of bacon and then Spiridon’s which looks more like a destroyed omelette.

 

He frowns at it. “Did mine get into a fight or something?”

 

“Oh dear.” Victor observes over his coffee. “But as long as it tastes good it doesn’t really matter about presentation.”

 

“I doubt Gordon Ramsey thinks that.”

 

Who?

 

I pour out some juice and with my back safely to them I smirk.

 

“Delicious.” Victor comments and my smirk gets bigger.

 

I lift the other plates out before the pancakes can become too dry.

 

“And is the bacon being rationed or something?”

Spiridon is well on his way to sounding like a child.

 

I take up Ben’s plate to bring it to him and taking out some extra cutlery I see Victor is smirking down at his plate and Spiridon quite rightly looks annoyed.

 

“Maybe it is. You do eat a fair amount.” Victor replies, trying to sound level.

 

Dimitri appears through the kitchen entry.

 

“I think Rose doesn’t like me.” Spiridon says. A hint of a challenge is in his voice as his grey eyes glare at me across the counter.

 

“I don’t.”  I say so simply, like my insides don’t all start convulsing when my ears hear what my mouth has said.

 

Victor starts laughing.

 

I scurry out of the kitchen with Victors snorts following me. I don’t dare look at Dimitri as I pass, even though I can fell the weight of his gaze on my face.  

 

I set Ben’s meal down on the table in front of him but he doesn’t seem to notice. I debate poking him but I doubt he’d notice that either.

 

 I could scream.

 

“Thanks Rose.” He says in a rushed breath making me jump.

 

I hope he didn’t think I was hovering for recognition.

 

“Would you like coffee?”

 

“Tea please. One sugar.” He says and then swears under his breath the computer beeps.

 

I try to sneak a peek but can’t without it being obvious, although he probably wouldn’t notice.

 

I straighten my shoulders as I walk into the kitchen.

 

Dimitri is leaning against the counter by the sink, the last bite of his pancake between his fingers while the other hand holds his steaming mug.

 

Spiridon’s plate is clear. He probably licked it because there was just so little on it. Ungrateful pig.

 

Victor was still staring at the notepad on the countertop. He’d marked something down but I couldn’t tell what it is. His fork is hovering over his half eaten breakfast.

 

“This is ridiculous.” Victor mutters.

 

“You’re never going to remember her number.” Spiridon says, his chin resting on his palm.

 

Victor drops his pen as I flick on the kettle.

 

“It just shows how reliant we’ve become and how we take these things for granted.” Victor sighs.

 

“No, the technology is fine. It’s Ben that messed up.”  Spiridon replies.

 

“Accident.” Dimitri says.

 

“We can’t afford accidents.”

 

I was mentally pushing back all the cusses and bad names I knew so not to call Spiridon by them accidentally. Ben had admitted he’d done something wrong but it couldn’t be that bad, could it? Dimitri or Victor weren’t angry. And even though Dimitri had said he didn’t get angry often, he had been often angry from me being here but those situations called for it. I think. Maybe I just didn’t like Spiridon being mean about Ben when Ben had been nothing but nice to me. Maybe it was simply just because I didn’t like Spiridon or his voice, or his face or his stupid hair.

 

“You like tea?”

 

I’m pulled out of my bad thoughts by Dimitri’s question. I look from him to the floating teabag.

 

Come one Rose, it’s not a hard question.

 

I shake my head. “For Ben.”

 

“Eat your breakfast.” He says, making me move away as he steps over. He was still in that black, clingy material.

 

It wouldn’t take long to serve Ben his tea. I didn’t need help but I bite my tongue so I don’t argue back, besides he’s already striding away.

 

There’s no room at the breakfast bar, Spiridon and Victor are on the only two stools. I take my glass of water and my plate and walk out.

 

I take a seat at the head of the dining table.

 

Banana pancakes are good. A little dry but that would be my doing. It was still really good, make I needed butter.

 

“Do you want sugar?”

 

It was unnerving how tall he was when I was sitting down.

 

My hair brushes my waist and I lean my head back. “No, thank you.”

 

There was more direct light here from the bulbous lamps above the table and they showed the shadows of the lines and indents of his torso.

 

I think about my tummy.

 

I turn away and reach for my water. Bodies were weird. How they were different and yet the same and some were nice and some were weird and my cheeks are warm.

 

The shirt I’d slept in had been against both our torsos.

 

I take another gulp.

 

He pulls out the chair down from the one next to me.

 

“Are you nervous about Natalie coming home?” He asks.

 

I can I feel him watching me but I don’t want to look at him right now, or ever.

 

“A little bit.” I mumble and nibble on my bacon. I was eating it with fingers because it was annoying to cut. And I had seen Ben doing it before so I think it’s okay but I glance up at Dimitri to make sure he didn’t look disproving. He’s watching me intently but distantly. And I don’t mean the actually distance between the damn chairs.  Maybe when Alec hit me yesterday he rattled my brain a bit. It was acting more erratic than usual.

 

“Natalie is a sweet girl. You’ll see that once you get used to how…loud she is.”

 

I frown down at my plate and tear off a piece of pancake.

 

“Does she shout everything or something?” I ask. Victor had said she was enthusiastic but I couldn’t picture someone in that setting for a long time.

 

“She gets very excited.”

 

“About what?”

 

“About everything really.”

 

I couldn’t picture this at all.

 

**Enthusiastic:** _showing passionate interest in something or eagerness about something._

How could you be excited about everything? Everything almost overwhelmed me.

 

I look out the window to the magic garden. The purple lowers seemed to be glowing tonight and the leaves looked like they were made of shiny glass. It couldn’t be a bad thing to be always excited if it leads to things as beautiful as that.

 

“She’s nice. You have nothing to worry about.” He says quietly, as if to comfort me.

 

I turn to him.

 

“I’ve never known a girl my age before.”

 

He considers this.

 

“Natalie won’t have known anyone like you either. You’ll be new to each other.”

 

That brings me up short so I stare at him for longer than necessary. Like a dead fish.

 

“I have to go shower.” He says, pushing out his chair and standing. “Try not to worry so much.”

 

He strides away before I can reply.

 

I look back out at the garden with Ben’s fast clicking a background noise. The glass was speckled with raindrops and again I wondered how it would smell outside. Wet flowers and grass.

 

I pop the last piece of bacon in mouth and watch one single drop race down and merge with another.

 

Would they run down Dimitri’s back like that?

 

I twitch like I’ve been slapped and clumsily reach for the last of my water and end up toppling the glass.

 

The clicking stops.

 

“Rose, are you alright?”

 

#

 

A couple of hours pass in which I steam some of Victors silk suit jackets, sweep downstairs and do the dishes. I couldn’t vacuum because Ben had rooted himself to the couch and after taking five minutes to work up the courage, I asked him if I could put the television on. I promised to keep it low.

 

“Yeah put whatever on. Not F.R.I.E.N.D.S though, or Cheers or I’ll get distracted.”  He told me, not breaking eye contact with the screen. It was all a jumble of symbols, numbers and letters that didn’t make any sense.

 

“How do you read that?” I had asked, unable to help myself.

 

He let out a breath that had been constructed to be a humourless laugh.  He still didn’t look away.

 

“With practice. It’s hell of a lot easier than Russian.”

 

I didn’t mind how Russian sounded but looking at the screen made my head hurt.

 

I was now curled up with yoghurt and a banana in an armchair watching Modern Family. I had tried eating and watching from the dining room table but I couldn’t see right. Spiridon had told me to move before I pulled something in my neck. It was just me and Ben down here now. Victor was upstairs and the other two has left, taking a car each, to go get Natalie.

 

“You’d think for security reasons.” Victor has called to me as he’d headed back up the stairs with fresh coffee. “But sadly, Natalie usually comes back with three times more luggage than she went with.”

 

The T.V was also helping distract me from thinking about how it would be when they came back.

I giggle as Phil screams at the Turkey he thinks has shrunk.

 

Gloria was loud. Her accent was different but I was picturing Natalie having the same volume setting. Hayley’s wardrobe looked like things I’d seen in Natalie’s closet so if I tried to imagine Hayley with Gloria’s voice maybe I’d be more prepared.

 

I end up laughing so hard I snort, trying to keep my mouth closed so banana mush doesn’t escape.

 

When I recover Ben is smirking and glancing at me.

 

“Good to hear you laughing.”

 

“Nice to see you smiling too.” I murmur after a moment.

 

It was true, for the past few hours he’d been grim faced and glaring at the screen. I wonder do his fingers tips hurt from hammering the keyboard for so long.

 

He sighs. “I still can’t believe I screwed this up.”

 

“What exactly did you do?”

 

“Uh” he draws out, his face grim again as his eyes follow the stream of nonsense on the screen. “Well I designed this security system and attached it to our network, which I also designed. There are other networks that can be easily hacked into, ones most humans would use. My one keeps all our data, contacts, emails, messages safe from hackers.”

 

“Hackers?”

 

“Uh, like spies.  I set up a security setting to erase and shut down everything if it wasn’t reset by the right code before a specific time. The time was Half eight this evening and yeah, I missed it, the system started imploding and I officially suck at my job.”

 

I should stop being nosy now but I don’t.

 

“Why did you forget?” I ask, as he mutters ‘lucky to even have a job’ under his breath.

 

He mashes his lips together and glances toward the stair case.

 

“I was on the phone until late. My girlfriend, ex, I don’t know, called and we got into a fight that lasted until eleven AM and I was mentally exhausted. Bloody relationships.”

 

I had vague understanding of what he meant. I had argument with my mother that lasted all day, consisting of short, snappy words under our breaths or sitting in silence through our short meals and then falling asleep. She would always have the last word then because I’d be too tired to reply.

 

Me and Eddie never fought, until that one time and we never made up. We never would.

 

“Belikov’s so pissed.”

 

I frown. “You mean Dimitri?”

 

“Yeah. He’s told me so many times to know where the line is and keep it far away from fucking up work.” He glimpses up. “Sorry, didn’t mean to swear.”

 

“I don’t mind.”

 

“Victor does.” He mutters. “I’ve nearly got this locked in, do you mind no talking to me for a while?”

 

“Sure.”

 

I had yoghurt to eat anyway and I had to figure out why Cam was sitting in a tree.

 

#

 

The show stopped coming on and I couldn’t be bothered finding out if I liked anything else. I dispose of my trash and get some more water, noticing again how grimy my sleeves were.

 

I could put Dimitri’s shirt on while I washed this. Her jeans weren’t so bad yet but I needed to wash my socks too.

 

I go upstairs and collect something from the boy’s rooms that could be washed but after doing so many loads yesterday there was hardly anything. I decide it wasn’t worth bothering Victor to ask him if he’d mind me using up resources to get her sweater cleaned.

 

I slip into my room and change before bringing the small bundle of things down stairs. Dimitri’s shirt was right down my thighs and I felt so much more relaxed. I wasn’t restricted by the neatness at my hips and my wrists were no longer being irritated by the scratch of dried in dough.  Also my bandages were safer this way, more hidden.

 

The load looks pathetic in the huge cylinder.

 

Coming out of the laundry room I stand for a moment trying to decide what to do next.

 

I bring Ben some tea and then rack my brain for something else. Dinner was a while off and I didn’t know if Natalie would want something special made.

 

I wander back down the hall and pause in front of the door to the garden. I glance at Ben but he was utterly absorbed.  I punch in the code, praying that I’ve remembered it right.

 

The door beeps happily.

 

Clutching my water bottle in one hand I push open the door and step outside.

 

The air was mild and floral. The grass smooshed a little under foot as it was still damp. I reach down and press my hand against the earth, it wasn’t too wet. I pad out down the large lawn and then sit down in front of the flower bed.

 

It was so peaceful.

 

It was hard to believe this was a summer’s day. How cool it was compared to what I’d known. I could almost feel the furious touch of the Arizona sun reaching for my neck, a touch below scorching. No, out here was cool, earthy, damp and it made the floral smells sharper, sweeter. It was a smell I wanted to bottle and keep with me. I close my eyes and let myself submerge into it all, the soft breeze that rustled the leaves and carried their crisp smell and tangled it with the sweetness of roses and orchids.

 

The cold skitters under Dimitri’s shirt but I don’t mind. I don’t even mind my bottom was getting damp.  I should mind, my mother would mind but I didn’t think anyone here would. I didn’t think Dimitri would but he had told me off a bit for getting my socks damp.  Maybe he would mind. But I was going to wash his shirt before I returned it so did it matter?

 

I lean my head back and open my eyes.

 

The sky was lovely blue behind the clouds that were the same colour of Spiridon’s eyes. I drop my gaze to the treetops, great giants that guarded the house behind the fence that enclosed the garden.

 

What would it be like out there?

 

The memory of dark shadows, black tree’s and the dry crunching of twigs and pine needles rears up in my mind. Red glinting in the darkness.

 

The cold doesn’t feel so nice anymore.

 

I stagger to my feet and force myself to walk to the back door, reminding myself about what Dimitri had told me about their wards. About the glass. About the panic room.

 

The fence wouldn’t keep anything monstrous out but giving it one last glance as I shut the door, I’m glad it’s there. I couldn’t enjoy a garden knowing there was a great, wide world in view behind it which had things in it I didn’t understand. Things that would kill me.

 

The door beeps.

 

I rub my arms as I round the corner to living room. Ben is gone but Victor is in his place reading a newspaper.  A plate peppered with crumbs sits on the table in front of him.

 

Victor looks up from his paper and smiles. He cocks his head toward the glass. “Marvellous spot for thinking isn’t it?”

 

I clutch my elbows. “Yes.”

 

“I’m glad it brings your some comfort in this big adjustment.” He folds his paper and puts it aside. “Would you like to sit down? The boys should be back with Natalie soon.”

 

Was it really a question?

 

My limbs have become locked up and awkward again. I sink down into the armchair and try to believe in his warm expression.

 

Victor was not like Master Ozera.

 

Where was Ben?

 

I try not to bite my lips. That was a tell.

 

“Are you excited for Natalie coming home?” I mumble, unable to look at anything but his knees.

 

“Yes. I’ve missed her. It will be nice to have her home before school starts. Then I won’t see her until the odd weekend when she’s bored enough to come home.” He says, warmth lifting up his smile so it reaches his eyes.

 

All I can do is nod and tuck Dimitri’s shirt over my knees.

 

“Although, maybe she will come home more often now that you’re here.”

 

Panic swirls around my lungs and I’m not sure why.

 

“Somebody more interesting than her dull, old dad.”

 

“You’re not dull.” I say because it seemed rude not to and because it’s the truth.

 

“But I am old.” He says and chuckles.

 

I’m not sure what to say to that one and words are bashing into each other in my head so they don’t have to leave my mouth. I grin instead.

 

“You are almost drowning in that shirt.” He comments. “Another thing that Natalie will be more than happy to sort you out with. Do you know, I once took her credit card off her as a punishment and she then prepared a power point presentation to why she needed it back. It lasted a good two hours and was probably the most work she’d ever put into anything academic.”

 

I didn’t know what handful of those words meant but I got the jist.

 

“Did you give it back to her?”

 

“Yes.” He laughs. “She’d gone through all the trouble to research maniac depression and the economy I figured it was punishment enough. Besides, if I didn’t I fear what she would have done next, another hunger strike maybe.”

 

A life where you had the option to refuse food in order to punish others and not be the one being punished, I couldn’t bend my mind around it.

 

I realize I’m glowering at the floor and smooth out my expression.

 

Victor coughs and I see his legs change roles in which crossed the other.

 

“May I ask you something?”

 

I make myself look up.

 

Was a question really a question?

 

I nod.

 

“How did you learn to read?” He asks mildly.

 

My mouth goes dry.

 

_This is something they don’t want you to have, they don’t think you deserve it but you do. We all do. Knowledge Rosemary, it’s the best gift I can ever give you but you must never show you have it._

“I can’t.” I say and the words are so false they hang in the air like a bad smell.

 

Victor’s expression remains mild, his eyes intent.

 

“There’s no need to lie Rose, no one is angry with you. I only ask because my curiosity does get the better of me and also, I want you to know you don’t need to hide things from us. We want the best for you and the more you know the better. You remember our conversation on the plane?  You no longer belong to anybody, you don’t have to hide or deny yourself things out of fear. One day, you will have all the freedom so many of us take for granted and what you want to do will be your choice entirely. Being here, you’re an employee, you are just as valued as Spiridon or Ben or Dimitri and it is your home just as much as it is Natalie’s.”

 

I am too stunned to look away from his gentle gaze or to reject his words which are crucial and terrifying.

 

He uncrosses his legs and leans forward, elbows on his knees and hands clasped between them.

 

“You haven’t been here that long and I realize it’s too much to expect you to be comfortable yet but I need you to understand one thing, we have your best interests at heart. I had plans to hire a tutor to try and help with literacy but Dimitri had noticed you didn’t require it. It was a fantastic discovery Rose, it is a fantastic ability you possess considering the life you have. Be proud and be proud of whoever taught you.”

 

I would not cry. I would not cry.

 

I swallow hard and stare at darker lines patterned the mahogany floor.

 

“My mother taught me.” I say quietly and touch my pendant through his shirt. “And I had books.”

 

“And writing?”

 

“I can write.”

 

“Amazing!”

 

I jump.

 

He’s grinning widely and I know it’s genuine but it means his pointed teeth are showing.

 

“Sorry.” He says, composing his smile so they’re hidden once more. I should not have been staring. “They can be a little disconcerting, my apologies. How fantastic though, and no one knew you could do this I assume?”

 

I shake my head.

 

“I was told no one could know.” Not even Eddie.

 

“I can imagine why.”  He says, the excitement in his voice diluting. “Where did the books come from?” 

 

I had always assumed my mother had stolen them from places they wouldn’t be missed, corners of the library or the trash but now….now I knew the things she would do for me. The things she would suffer through so I could have things. Maybe someone else did know about the books because they were the ones who provided them.

 

A wave of nausea washes over me.

 

I inhale slowly.  “I don’t know.”

 

There’s a slight pause that could barrel into being uncomfortable but Victor knows how to work with these situations.

 

He smiles, a polite one, not one that reaches his eyes. I’m grateful.

 

“Well, your mother was obviously a resourceful and intelligent woman. Feel free to use our library and if you wish, when you’re ready, I would be more than willing to hire a tutor to nurture your skills. Perhaps go as far as make them official qualifications.”

 

I understand half of what he’s said.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He nods. “You are very welcome.”

 

“Would you like some coffee?”

 

“I would love some, thank you.”

 

I nod and get up too fast, forgetting more than half of me is tucked inside Dimitri’s shirt and trip.

 

“Careful dear, I want cream and sugar, not broken bones.”

 

“Y-yes. Sorry.”

 

He chuckles and lifts up his paper as I try not to run to the kitchen.

 

I think what just happened was a good thing but I still felt like my guts had twisted.

 

I retrieve the milk and grab a bottle of water. In the cupboard I find some plain cookies and put a few on a small plate. I chew my lip and then reopen the cupboard and take the packet out, taking one for myself.  I nibble on it as the coffee reheats.

 

Cookies were up there with caramel yoghurts. I wonder could I just eat them instead of anything else, although I did like bacon…and pancakes were pretty good.  Who was I kidding, all the food had been amazing, like garlic bread and I was definitely ruined now.

 

 “That should be it now.” Ben’s voice carries through from the living room.

 

“Should be?”

 

“It is. You can turn your phone back on now.”

 

“Thank you Ben.”  Victor replies and then adds. “But for future reference, never make a mistake like this again. Once is an accident and it’s one too many.”

 

“I understand completely. I know how incompetent this was of me and it will never happen again.”

 

“Good.” Victor utters. 

 

I stand awkwardly, the plate in one hand and Victor’s coffee in the other trying to decide if it’s a good time to enter. They had been speaking quietly. They might think I hadn’t heard and if I hadn’t heard I would have walked in already.

 

I go through to the next room, Ben has gone and Victor has a cellphone to his ear. I put down his mug and cookies, trying not to disturb.

 

“No answer.” Victor sighs.

 

A bright light flashes through the window behind Victor and then another.

 

Victor stands up and I jerk back.  He doesn’t seem to notice.

 

“There back!” He says happily.

 

Another light flashes through the window.

 

Ben is suddenly there and he passes by Victor to the window. I can hear car doors opening and closing.

 

“Rose, go upstairs.” Ben says his voice flat and unlike him.

 

Victor comes to stand beside him to look out. He says something under his breath as Ben starts for the direction of the door.  I’m just ahead of him as the door beeps open.

 

A girl’s voice shouts, “I’m home!” just before there’s a blur out of the corner of my eye and something collides with my back of my legs so they give out from under me on the bottom stair.

 

“OH MY GOD.”

 

I inhale and in my own ears it sounds like a hiss. I’d fallen on my bruised side and the edge of the stair was not something that felt comfortable.

 

A hand touches my shoulder and coaxes me to sit up. Ben. He pulls me to my feet and I notice how he’s angled his body to hide me as multiple voices are getting closer to the front door.

 

“Is she okay? Did I knock her out? Oh my god I am so sorry, I was just trying to make a dramatic entrance but not the kind that knocks people out. I’m not at like, Mariah Carrey stage of diva but more Miley.”

 

It’s the same voice that had squealed as the door had opened and now it was running chatter.

 

“She’s fine Natalie but I’m going to take her upstairs to have a closer look.” Ben says, voice even and trying to keep me concealed between his body and the wall. 

 

“Victor!” A male voice yells in greeting.

 

“Nat what are doing?” Another girl’s voice asks.

 

“I through my bag through the door and it hit this girl and I think I’ve concussed her.”

 

Ben urges me up more steps and I can see the girl’s shoes just behind Ben’s boots, she’s following us and as much as the chatter behind me is frightening I hope it doesn’t stop. It meant they were all distracted. Whoever they all were.

 

“You haven’t even been home one minute!” A boy’s voice says and then laughs.

 

“I am so sorry.” The girls voice trills, following us up another step.

 

“What’s going on Natalie?” A woman asks.

 

“It’s fine Natalie.” Ben was starting to sound strained now. “Go sit with your father, I’ll look after Rose.”

 

A body darts past us and she’s suddenly on the step above.

 

Her dark hair wasn’t long like in the pictures but had been cut up to just below her shoulders in soft curls. She was taller than I’d imagined her to be and very lean like all moroi seemed to be. She had the same green eyes as her father, a light and leafy green but framed by darker lashes. There was a line of black on her eyelid that flicked out at the corner. It looked quite nice.

 

I only had a few seconds to think this before panic exploded through my stomach and her expression became one of shock.

 

Ben sighs in defeat.

 

“I’ve given you a black eye!”  Natalie cries and covers her mouth.

 

Ben had one hand on my hip and one on my shoulder and I hadn’t noticed until now. I don’t feel panicked about it, I actually want to grab one and ask him to help me because she was just staring at me and I didn’t know what to do but stare back.

 

“Oh my goodness, we should get some ice.” The woman says.

 

“No, she did that yesterday. Rose is really clumsy.” Spiridon’s voice joins the nightmare.

 

“And she’s very shy.” Dimitri says and adds quietly. “Painfully shy.”

 

“Give her some space.” Victor calls to Natalie, gaining control of the situation. “Come downstairs and tell me about your trip, come.”

 

Natalie bites her lip and look back down at me. She mouths ‘sorry’ again and descends past us. I lean back against the wall and let out a shaky breath.

 

“Shouldn’t we do something?”

 

“Rhea, don’t worry she’s fine.”

 

The adult voices move away into the living room.

  
“Who is it Natalie’s just assaulted anyway?” The boy asks as Ben pulls me up the stairs.

 

“Andre, shush. She’s obviously embarrassed.” The girl says.

 

“You okay?” Ben whispers.

 

I nod but really I wasn’t sure. I thought I’d meet Natalie sitting comfortably on the couch and we’d exchange awkward small talk and I’d ask her what she wanted for dinner and then hope she’d say something I could make and be very nice to me.

 

Instead she’d hurled a bag at me and knocked me down, while a stream of people had come in behind her to witness.  If Ben hadn’t of been there I would have melted. Or thrown myself down the two steps and prayed it killed me.

 

We reach the door to my bedroom.

 

“Um, stay up here for her now. We had no idea they were coming back with Natalie, we should have considered that, again that’s my fucking fault with the phones. Sorry Rose. I’m sure they won’t stay long.”

 

I get into the room and put the door between me and Ben, bar a small gap.

 

“Who are they?”

 

Ben leans in. “The Dragormir family. Just hang tight up here, okay?”

 

He disappears down the stairs and I close the door.

 

The people from the pictures, they now had voices and they were down stairs. They had just been mere metres from me and now they were just a floor away.

 

I could hear them laughing and talking, caught up in excitement of seeing each other again and telling stories.

 

I sink down to the ground with my back against the door, listening to the crowd of people who loved each other. I tuck my knees up inside Dimitri’s shirt and pull my mother necklace out, pinching it between my fingertips.

 


	13. Hi, my name is...

I’ve heard lots of horrible noises in my life. Screams that sliced through hot summer days and made me work harder to wrench more berries from their leaves. I’ve dug faster to make the pain in my blistered hands louder than someone else’s pleas, clenching the shovel’s handle and ploughing it into the ground so the resistance ripped open the sores and let the water slick my palms. All so it would be worse, hard to ignore, so I wouldn’t hear the belt or fist or shears come back on who cried out.

 

The worst noises were encompassed in the deafening silence when it plat formed quiet footsteps. A blanket drew back, the metallic clipping of a belt and the rustle of clothes.

 

I push away from the door and begin a circuit around the room.

 

They were terrible things I’d heard but somehow listening to bursts of laughter and excited voices from down below was terrible too.

 

I don’t why. I don’t know why it made my heart ache and then spit fire.  I don’t know.

 

I yank out my hair tie and begin combing through the knotted strands.

 

Hang tight? To what? Until when?

 

The walls seem tauntingly bare in here. Not like Natalie’s, full of life and colour.  This room suddenly felt smaller.

 

But that’s what Dimitri had said wasn’t it? My world was small. It was a tiny little speck, dust, in this huge place. This huge, enormous place with people, cars, shops, houses, schools, books, food, music, TV –

 

I sit down and put my palms flat on the carpet.

 

Not yet, I don’t have to worry about all that yet. Just now, I could only deal with now. Now I could go to the library, read more, learn more. I could gain weight and Dimitri would help me defend myself. I could watch TV with Ben and try to talk, learn to communicate with people. I could force myself to engage with Spiridon and learn to push back or hold my own. Hold my own, I should not push back. Should I? I usually did.

 

Victor would allow me to ask questions. I would learn to be brave around him.  I could ask Dimitri but that was easier, I needed to be braver.

 

But what about Natalie? What could I do with Natalie? Could I ask her things? Would I annoy her? She wouldn’t be here a lot. What if I missed out on learning things? I would be brave I would ask. I would ask her about her room or would that be intrusive? She talked a lot maybe all I would have to do is listen.

 

From below someone shouts, an exclamation of words in opposite tones to what has been grazing against me for the past hour. 

 

My nails dig into the carpet.

 

Nothing follows. Just quiet. No happy shouts or laughs. No bubbling of a girl’s voice and a jumble of other voices. Nothing.

 

My heartbeat is in my ears.

 

I scramble off the floor.

 

It was something bad. I knew that. I’d been taught to read the warning signs, the shift in the air.

 

I could lock the door.

 

No, no I couldn’t.

 

The air shifts. Voices are in it again but quieter, still urgent. Something…tense was happening.

 

I drag in a huge lungful of air.

 

Something was happening but not to me. It didn’t involve me. I didn’t matter. Yet. If it was my fault or if I was needed they’d have come by now.

 

My back hits the bathroom door.

 

_Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. What do you know? What has happened?_

I know the Dragomir’s are downstairs. That Natalie is home. That they are happy to be with each other. That they have been on vacation and are telling stories. Stories... It could be a bad story.

 

Yes. They were talking about a bad story.

 

My body relaxes, like spaghetti in hot water.

 

_Get a grip._

I slide across the wall and tumble into the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. I could lock this one.

 

They were not the Ozera’s. They would not punish me because I was there to punish, to take their frustrations out on.  A ‘punching bag’ was what my mother had offered as an explanation when I was younger and was confused by the rules, that’s what we were.

 

I was not a punching bag here, at least not to the people who lived here.  Maybe I was to the Dragomir’s like I had been to Alec but Dimitri was downstairs. He wouldn’t let that happen.

He had promised.

 

I check the bolt on the door again before stripping out of Dimitri’s shirt and her clothes. I tug the bandages loose and let them unravel, relishing in the freedom I hadn’t felt in a few days. I would worry about getting them back on later.

 

The settings for the shower are nearly the same as Mistress Ozera’s.  Two knobs, one for heat and the other, I discovered abruptly, for water pressure.

 

I jump back with a yelp and then have to stick my hand back in to dial down the temperature, goose bumps rising on my arms and sending a fleet down my back.

 

I reopen the cupboard under the sink, rifling through the other bottles Dimitri had brought until I find a bottle labelled ‘2 in 1’ which said it had both shampoo and conditioner inside it. Well that was practical I suppose.  It didn’t smell as good as the one before.

 

I stand up and my reflection catches my eye, making me freeze.

 

My head pulls back and my reflections expression twitches.

 

I’d never looked before, not really. I’ve never had the chance. My mother was always there, she’d seen me naked but I hadn’t.

 

It kept surprising me, my body. Being inside it for seventeen years and yet I didn’t know everything about it. Especially not like this. I hadn’t faced the curves that I had to flatten out and hide. They were alien to me.

 

I raise a cautious hand and press my fingertips over my heart. It thumps nervously up against my skin. My fingers drift down, goose bumps following in their wake.

 

I wasn’t repulsed, not like I expect I should be. My mother didn’t like them, she resented them but again I couldn’t help thinking that I didn’t feel that way, didn’t think that way. I didn’t exactly like them either, did I?

 

I trace the curve of my breast.

 

No, I didn’t hate them.

 

The sort of…made my body prettier. They distracted from the bumps, bruises, scars and the frame of my hipbones, ribs and shoulders. 

 

My body was not a pretty place but there was something nice about the curve of my waist and the soft swelling of my chest. 

 

Steam clouds the mirror and I turn away. I step into the hot stream of water and the sensation chases away the bad feelings inside of me about the outside.

 

Like before the water takes my breath away.  The shower would be my second friend, it was amazing. I get lost in a trance, letting the water run over me and warm my bones before setting about the task of washing my hair.

 

The shampoo /condition didn’t make my hair feel soft and silky but it was clean. That’s what mattered.

 

I use the soap to scrub at my only pair of underwear and socks. I’d put them on the radiator or under my bed where the floor gets warm.

I dry off with a huge, fluffy towel the colour of moss and pull her jeans back on.

 

The bandages were, as I’d heard Guardian’s mutter over the years about us, a pain in the ass.

 

I couldn’t get them as tight as Janine had. They kept loosening as I wound them and by the fifth try I was getting really annoyed.  I give up trying to meld them to my body and settle for the tightest I can get. It wasn’t like I could go ask someone for help.  I don’t think that’s the type of thing Dimitri meant I could go to him for and I think, even though she was so far away, my mother would know. And she’d go ballistic.

 

I was being ridiculous because it was that or punch the wall.

 

I wipe at the mirror with the towel to see how my patchwork looked.

 

I wasn’t completely flattened out but it didn’t look too…noticeable. Dimitri’s shirt would hide me well enough anyway. It would be different if it were her sweater that was almost clingy. Dimitri’s shirt protected me for now.

 

I pull it on and it pools down to my thighs. Despite the bindings I feel a lot better.

 

I run a brush through my hair and because of the length and weight it soon becomes tiresome. I decide it will do and pull it to one side, working it into a side plait.

 

I mop up the floor and dump the towel into the hamper before stepping back into my cooler room.

 

Then I remember I had nothing to do in here but wait. Wait for Ben to come get me. If they didn’t forget but surely they’d want dinner and I was sort of needed for that.

 

I put the wet garment down the back of the radiator and crawl onto the middle of the bed.

 

A shiver runs down my back. I should have towel dried my hair a bit more.

 

I strain my ears to hear what’s going on downstairs but I can’t make anything out. That wasn’t particularly a bad thing. The feeling in the air was stable.  There was nothing to make me worry which did make me worry. I could hear the undertone of voices but nothing else.

 

I flop back on the bed…well it wasn’t so bad waiting up here. I spread out as the floral scent of the body wash settles over me.

 

I could nap. That was something I haven’t gotten to do since I was little. When Janine was in the field she’d make me stay where she could see me which wasn’t very fun. Bored and too warm I’d fall asleep in the shade. I remember how my mother had become so nervous. I wasn’t allowed to play with Eddie without her being close. She stopped being nice to him and she told me I had to start being useful.

 

I remember how sometimes I’d see a figure at one of the third storey window and I’d always know they were watching me. Third storey on the east wing, overlooking the orchard, where would that be?  Third storey – It was the master suite. It was their suite. The suite I’d been in. She’d been watching me, Mistress Ozera.

 

There’s a knock on the door.

I bolt upright and wait for Ben to walk in.

 

There’s a low murmuring and then another knock.

 

“C-Come in.”

 

The door opens slowly and I wonder why they were knocking? Maybe they’d heard the shower, Ben and Dimitri would knock. So would Victor. Spiridon would just barge in. The thought made me nauseous.  

 

My heart stops as the visitor steps into the room.

 

“Hi.” Natalie says and if I weren’t suddenly terrified I’d think she sounded shy. “Can we come in? Rose.”

 

When was question really a question?

 

I swallow and nod.

 

Natalie grins and it lights up her entire face. It was strange to see it in life and not frozen inside a picture.  It was better.

 

My heart starts beating again.

 

She steps into the room, looking over her shoulder and that’s when I remember the ‘we’.  A girl comes in behind her and I’m glad I’m on the bed and not standing up. It was strange enough seeing Natalie but it was even stranger to be seeing Lissa.

 

Lissa steps into the room and closes the door behind her. She smiles kindly at me, the type of kindness that caused my soul to ache a little because it was so pure and genuine and completely baffling.

 

They both sit down at the bay window and I watch them frozen from the bed. I should not be staring. I should be standing and asking what they needed. I should not be admiring how the light bounced off Lissa’s pale blonde hair or how Natalie’s eyes were so like her fathers. I should not be staring.

 

I realise then that the silence is awkward. I’d been so busy ogling I hadn’t noticed.

 

“We haven’t been introduced properly.” Lissa begins after her and Natalie exchange a glance. “I’m Vasilisa Dragomir but my friends call me Lissa.”

 

I try to return my own name, she could call me Rose, I wanted to offer my only possession back but the noise that comes out of my throat is quiet and pathetic. Thankfully Natalie had started speaking at the same time.

 

“And I’m Natalie, we already met, sorta, sorry. I really didn’t mean to do that or hurt you, I would never hurt anybody, ever. Well except Mia Rinaldi because she’s nasty and even then I wouldn’t throw anything at her except maybe shade –“

 

“Natalie.” Lissa says gently, holding out a calming hand.

 

“Right. Sorry. Again.”

 

She purses her lips, forcing words to stay inside her mouth.

 

Lissa smiles again but it seems forced.

 

“My name’s Rose.” I mumble.

 

“We know.” Natalie says, the words bursting out through a grin.

 

“We actually came up here to…well…” Lissa’s words trail off and she exchanges another look with Natalie, who nods in what I would guess is encouragement. Their apparent discomfort was making my palms itchy.

 

Lissa takes a deep breath and crosses her long legs. She looks back at me and this time there is a hint of determination in her gentle face.

 

“I hope you don’t mind but Uncle Victor told us about you…about where you’ve come from.”

 

“Daddy thought it would be better.” Natalie adds. Her hyper voice subdued.

 

Why were they talking to me like I was a frightened animal? Should I be frightened?

 

“Yes, um, that would be easier if you had more people who could help you adjust. I think he thought it would be better to have more girls in the know too.”

 

“I think he thought he didn’t really have a choice after you busted his story.” Natalie remarks, the jitteryness leaking back in.

 

Lissa lets out a breath of laughter and looks down.

 

“Daddy said that you were Dimitri’s sister here visiting.” Natalie says turning to me, her face starting to warm with enthusiasm. It was more natural but I was still nervous. “Because you have the same kinda colouring but Lissa, who remembers everything ever, said Dimitri never mentioned a Rose before.”

 

“Sonja, Viktoria and Karolina.” Lissa lists, inflections marking the names in Dimitri’s accent.

 

“How do you even know that? I didn’t even know he had sisters.”

 

“I listen.”

 

“I listen too but he hardly ever speaks. When did he tell you that?”

 

“He was talking to my parents at the dinner we had before leaving for Europe.”

 

“So you eavesdropped.”

 

“I did not-“

 

“Yeah, whatever.” Natalie bumps shoulders with her and turns back to me. “So after that it just became like so obvious something was going on so Daddy explained. I suppose you heard some of that?”

 

I shake my head.

 

“Oh your hairs wet, shower, duh. You couldn’t have heard then.”

 

“My parents are um, passionate about …equality.” Lissa explains.

 

“You got passionate too…it was actually scary.”

 

Lissa looks embarrassed. I feel bad for her and before I know it words are coming out of my mouth.

 

“Why were they shouting?

 

They both look surprised but Lissa recovers faster.

 

“Well not like arguing just, like I said they get passionate about …slavery.” The last word she said like it was dirty and maybe it was because Natalie looks down at her lap but Lissa pushes on. “And you’re so young and Uncle Victor hadn’t been able to get the whole story out and they just sort of jumped to conclusions.”

 

“So did you.”

 

“I didn’t I just…it makes me so mad.” Lissa looks at the ceiling and her eyes tighten. “I didn’t really think he would have done something like that.”

 

I speak before Natalie can.

 

“Done what?”

 

Lissa brings her gaze back down. “Bought a slave.”

 

“I’m not a slave.”

 

It sounds strange to my ears but it is what they’d told me.

 

“No, we know.” Natalie replies quickly. “Daddy would never do that.”

 

“He said they saved you.” Lissa says softly, her green eyes intent on me.  They were a dark green and when the light caught them it glanced off, like crystal.

 

I look down at my knotted fingers. “He’s been very kind to me. They all have.”

 

“So what happened to your eye?”

 

The enthusiasm in Natalie’s face dims.  “Lissa.”

 

I meet Lissa’s gaze and see the challenge lying under her lovely features. She was angry but she was good at hiding it. The only tell, besides her lashed question, was how her fingertips dug into the padding of the bay seat.  She thought she was being lied to…but why would Victor lie?

 

Should I? Am I allowed to speak about Alec and what happened?

 

“You can tell me, Rose.” Lissa says softly.

 

I hadn’t been told not to.

 

“Victor had a visitor yesterday…his Guardian attacked me.”

 

Horror dawns on Lissa’s face and the brightness in Natalie’s eclipses.

 

“Here?” Natalie exclaims. “That happened here?”

 

“Dimitri stopped it.” I murmur.

 

“Who’s Guardian?” Lissa demands, suddenly on her feet and her anger no longer hid. “How dare they? How dare they come into this house and hurt you? How…” She begins to pace, her hands balled into fists.

 

Natalie glances at me. She doesn’t look surprised by Lissa’s sudden burst of rage but she does look wary.

 

“It’s a disgrace and if Victor knows them it means we most likely do too.”

 

“Lissa sit down.”

 

“Is it any wonder they are the way they are at school when they have barbarians as examples?”

 

“They’re not all bad.” Natalie tries but Lissa’s pacing is picking up speed.

 

“Enough of them are. You know the rumours about Jesse’s family.”

 

“Lissa you’re frightening Rose.”

 

Lissa pauses and looks as if she’d forgotten I was there.

 

I wasn’t frightened, not at all. I’d been rapt as she’d patrolled in front of the bed. There was something powerful about it, how she moved with such grace as her rage built. I didn’t understand what exactly she was angered by but I wanted to understand desperately so I could be, I don’t know, angry with her. To be a part of it.

 

Maybe I was just desperate to having something linking me to her, to them.

 

Lissa’s shoulders drop and she blinks rapidly.

 

“Sorry, I got carried away. Sorry.”

 

She touches her head and takes a seat beside Natalie who places a hand on her arm.

 

“Daddy says to change people we have to lead by example. We’re gonna help Rose.”

 

“Yes.” Lissa murmurs and then perks up. “Yes we are.”

 

Both girls turn to me, one golden and one dark.

 

“How?”

 

“Well…” Lissa says thoughtfully. “Uncle Victor says you can read. I can give you books. One’s we’d have in school about our history and things.”

 

“We have that in the library I think.” Natalie’s expression lights up. “We can show how to use the internet.”

 

“And teach you about pop culture.”

 

“Basic Math…nobody wants to learn past what’s necessary.” 

 

“She might like Math.”

 

“NOBODY likes Math, Lissa.”

 

They giggle and I can’t help but smile.

 

“What’s Math?”

 

“Numbers, Pythagoras theorem, algebra.”  Natalie says, wrinkling her nose.

 

“I don’t like numbers.”

 

The ghost of the headache I got trying to read the clock flits through my brain.

 

“I like you already.” Natalie grins.

 

“I’m sure Uncle Victor doesn’t like the numbers on your VISA bills either.” Lissa says playfully and Natalie sticks out her tongue.

 

“I make money back on eBay.”

 

“What’s eBay?”

 

Natalie throws up her hands. “Oh my God we have so much to teach you.”

 

“EBays hardly mandatory-“

 

“It is when you want Fendi and you’re nearly at your credit limit.” Natalie says seriously.

 

Lissa rolls her eyes.

 

“Oh.” Natalie says turning to me. “Daddy says I have to get you some new clothes and things.”

 

“I don’t need that much.” I say quickly.

 

“What do you have?”

 

I look down at myself. These weren’t my clothes but the jeans at least had been left to me and her sweater.

 

“That shirts trying to eat you.”

 

I tuck it over my knees. “I like it.”

 

“Now you look like a tent with a head.”

 

Lissa laughs. “We’ll get you some more things. You don’t want to have to wear the same clothes every day.”

 

“I have a sweater in the laundry.”

 

Lissa’s smile now pities me and Natalie looks openly appalled.

 

She turns to Lissa. “Jeans, shirts, dresses, skirts, products...”

 

“Sweatshirts, yoga pants, pajama’s and underwear.”

 

Natalie nods.

 

“I don’t… I don’t need a lot. Really. Dimitri got me things I don’t need more.”

 

“Trust me you do.” Natalie says seriously, standing up and walking around the bed to the bathroom.

She disappears through the door and I want to stop her but I seem to be stuck to the bed. A loud, disgusted groan sounds from the next room.

 

“You’re better just letting her get her way.” Lissa says in an undertone, waving toward the bathroom. 

 

“Really?” Natalie demands, sticking her head around the doorway, my shampoo bottle in her hand.

 

“What is that?” Lissa asks amusedly.

 

I speak but it’s lost under Natalie.

 

“It’s Two in One.” Natalie explains, like you’d explain sick in your shoe.

 

“Oh.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” I say, suddenly feeling defensive.

 

“Are you kidding? Is it any wonder your hair looks so dry. Ick.”

 

Natalie disappears back into the bathroom. More sickened noises float out as she rummages around.

 

I jump as Lissa sits down on the edge of the bed. 

 

“She means well.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with the things Dimitri got.”

 

Lissa purses her lips.

 

“Well no but… there are better products.”

 

I was starting to get really annoyed but I pushed it back. I liked these girls.  I wanted them to like me. I had to live with one of them. They had the power to make things bearable.

 

“I don’t need better when I already have something that does its job. Then it’s a waste.”

 

“Isn’t it a waste to use something that isn’t as effective as what something else would be?”

 

She didn’t get it.

 

I was so grateful. 

 

They didn’t know what it was like to for soap to be a luxury. To smell of something other than dirt, sweat and blood.

 

I wanted Lissa off my bed before they thought it was worthless too.

 

Two loud raps make us both jump.

 

The bedroom door swings open and I tense. A tall, blonde boy with Lissa’s eye colour and Spiridon’s arrogant posture stands in the doorway.

 

“Uncle Victor wanted me to make sure you hadn’t scared her.”

 

“Shut up Andre.” Lissa returns without hesitation. “Rose, this is Andre my brother and Andre this is –“

 

“The rescued orphan. I was listening Liss.”

 

“Don’t be so obnoxious.”

 

He rolls his eyes.

 

“Like he can help it.” Natalie says, coming out of the bathroom. She sits down on my other side, tucking her legs up under her.

 

“I thought the idea was not to tiptoe around her?” He says.

 

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here.”  It all rushes out before I can stop it and I can only compensate with a measly. “Please.”

 

Andre smiles and it unsettles me to realize he was just as pretty as his sister when he did that. Pretty in a different way.

 

“Don’t say ‘please’, it’s sexier.”

 

“Andre!”

 

“What did those French girls ever see in you?” Natalie mutters.

 

“Probably what the Italian one’s saw too. Anyway, Mom and Dad want to go home and unpack.”

 

“I thought we were staying for dinner?”  Lissa says sounding genuinely upset.

 

Andrew shrugs, running a hand over his short curls. “They don’t want to impose…over stimulating environment I think were the words.”

 

“But Lissa needs to help me shop!”

 

“Are you serious? I just watched a four week shopping spree.”

 

“Not for us, dumbass.” Natalie retorts. “For Rose.”

 

“I don’t need – “

 

“Rose, do not take her for a good example on female etiquette.” He says, wagging his finger at Natalie.

 

“Oh bite me.”

 

“You’re not my type.”

 

Lissa groans. “I am so sick of you two.”

 

“That, we can resolve. C’mon time to go. Nice to meet you Rose, hope the other guy looks worse.”

 

With that he spins, leaving the door wide open so we see him disappear down the stairs. A number of voices carry up past him.

 

I flinch as Natalie leans across my lap, practically draping herself there.

 

“Do you want to ask if you can stay?”

 

Lissa’s expression had clouded over in concern at my reaction to Natalie but now she looked thoughtful.

 

“I’d like to but…”

 

“But what?”

 

Lissa looks at me. “Would you mind? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

 

Natalie cranes her head to look up at me instead of removing herself from my lap.

 

I’m rigid. My throat and tongue have turned to marble.

 

I shake my head.

 

Lissa looks down at her friend. “Natalie, personal space.”

 

“What? Oh, sorry.”

 

The girl immediately sits up and I feel like a spring ready to launch off the bed.

 

“See this is why you need to stay. I’m going to upset her and I won’t realise.”

 

Lissa ignores her and turns to me.

 

“It won’t offend me if you want me to leave.” She says gently.

 

She could see I was uncomfortable and I believed she was being genuinely gracious about it. I didn’t want her leave. I liked Lissa. I liked Natalie but Natalie was too much and I was afraid of being alone with her.  The idea made me feel smothered.  I doubted I could lock her out or ask Dimitri to make her stop talking. I didn’t want to accidentally annoy her by not knowing what to say or do. Or snap at her about shampoo.

 

“I don’t mind.” I murmur.

 

Lissa’s answering smile is striking.

 

“Yes!” Natalie says and the ‘s’ sound stretches out. She rolls off the bed. “Come on, get your good girl face on.”

 

“I don’t have a good girl face.”

 

“It’s your natural one.”

 

I was completely lost and the look Lissa throws over her shoulder as she follows Natalie out into the hall says she wasn’t completely in the know either.

 

“We’ll be back in a moment.” She says, closing the door behind her.

 

I flop onto my back.

 

That was not what I had expected.

 

/

 

Lissa was allowed to stay.

 

She had come back to my room after a little while, apologizing for taking so long because she was saying goodbye to her family, and asked me to come downstairs so we could shop. Both things I didn’t understand. She didn’t owe me an apology and how were we going to shop downstairs?

 

I followed her down, feeling more self-conscious than I had in the Ozera’s family room, to where Spiridon, Ben and Victor were talking in low voices. Ben spots us on the bottom stair.

 

“Hi girls.” He calls and Victor and Spiridon look up.

 

It was an alarm in disguise, that was obvious to me but not to Lissa. She smiles and leads the way over to the only vacant couch. I stay close but not too close.

 

“Ditched Natalie already?” Spiridon asks, reclining back and throwing his arms across the back of the couch. 

 

“She’s getting her laptop.” Lissa answers back smoothly. Her voice a contrast to my expression I’m sure. I try to compose it.

 

Spiridon points between us. “You two look like trouble.”

 

Ben and Victor look incredulous and I glance at Lissa to see her raising a blonde eyebrow. I look down at my knees.

 

“How so?” Victor asks.

 

“They look too…innocent.”

 

“Of course they do.” Victor replies, reaching for a steaming mug on the table. “They’re good girls.”

 

Spiridon hums, noise that says he disagrees but has nothing worth saying. If he only he made noises instead of speaking a lot of the time.

 

“Here comes real trouble.” Ben says as feet patter down the stairs.

 

Victor chuckles.

 

I jump as Natalie plops heavily down beside me, putting me between her and Lissa. Lissa slides closer as Natalie open up her computer.

 

“Where do you think we should start?” Natalie asks excitedly, her fingers moving across the keyboard in a way that could rival Ben.

 

“Lissa I beg you. Please exert some control over her.” Victor says, a desperate look on his face.

 

“I’ll do my best.”  Lissa grins.

 

“So what are thinking Nat?” Spiridon asks, leaning forward.  “Some Gucci? Channel? Valentino.”

 

Natalie makes a begrudging noise as Victor shakes his head.

 

“Daddy said I had to be ‘ _sensible’_ because Rose’s sizes are going to change but I don’t see why we can’t order things in preparation for that. I mean she has to be like, a zero right now, and I’ve never  seen a Dhampir be more than a six. Oh and you cannot beat Louis Vuitton loungers.”

 

“Do you remember our talk about overspending?” Lissa asks quietly across my lap.

 

“I really can’t tell the difference between Designer and forever 21.” Ben says. “Don’t they copy the expensive stuff anyway?”

 

“Of course you don’t.” Natalie retorts, not looking up from the screen. She’s opened up a couple of different boxes. “You’re a Guardian.”

 

“Meaning?” Spiridon asks.

 

Natalie fixes her gaze on him. “You wear anything that’s black and practical.”

 

“You say that like it’s a bad thing my darling.” Victor says, his lips quirked behind his mug.

 

“Because they think scratchy wool falls into being practical.”

 

“Says the girl who will pay sixty dollars for a shirt that cost about three to make.”

 

Natalie’s cheeks flush and her nostrils flare.

 

Where was Dimitri?

 

“Maybe we should start with American Apparel? And you can get some really cute stuff from forever 21, like you jean skirt with the lace up the side.” Lissa says in a voice sensitive to Natalie’s feelings.  “We should just get comfortable for now.”

 

“Whatever.” Natalie mutters, opening up another screen. A round pie like thing blazing on it.

 

“I don’t need a lot. I don’t really don’t need anything.” I say quietly.

 

It was true and this situation was making them irritable. I didn’t want to be trouble.

 

“You need a shirt that fits.” Spiridon says drily. “Where did you get that anyway?”

 

“And shoes.” Ben adds.

 

“Socks.” Victor chips in, taking a sip of coffee. “I realize it will be hard for you to do but please just stick with practical Natalie because judging from the two extra cases you have brought home I’m probably going to have to sell your car.”

 

Natalie fixes her father with a sweet smile.  “I didn’t go over the limit. I promise.”

 

“And you’ll be needing more closet space.” Lissa says like someone manoeuvring unsteady ground. “So whatever you clear out you could give to Rose?”

 

“Whatever.” Natalie repeats in a singsong voice. “I can’t think with low blood sugar so we’re ordering pizza.”

 

I feel like I’ve been hit over the head with a rock.

 

“I can make dinner.” I move to stand up but both Natalie and Lissa push me back into the seat, ignoring my squeak.

 

“Just relax Rose.” Victor says mildly as he stands. “It’s easier for everyone when they get their way.”

 

He walks away, to the safe retreat of his study I guessed. Lucky for some.

 

“See that mentality is what’s going to make them trouble.” Spiridon remarks to Ben.

 

“Only if we get caught.”  Is Lissa’s soft response.

 

/

 

After bartering things like ‘Meat feast’, ‘Pepperoni Passion’ and ‘Veggie Supreme’ between each other Natalie declared that food was on its way.

 

I couldn’t imagine how food was coming from somewhere else? Where? A big kitchen somewhere that took orders and then drove them to you in a car? And what the hell was pizza?

 

“You are in for a good time.” Ben winked at me before retreating down the basement stairs.

 

“What’s he working on in his lab now?” Lissa asked Spiridon, who was eating a sandwich even though dinner was somehow coming.

 

“A gun that flashes UV light and fires magic infused bullets.” He explains through his full cheeks.

 

“How is he testing that?” Lissa asks, leaning forward.

 

“Rose, do you like these?”

 

I look at the screen in Natalie’s lap. There was a pair of dark jeans on display.

 

“Um.”

 

“Maybe too dark will make you look twiggy.” She glances at my thighs. “Mmm.”

 

“Well Earth he can get a supply of, if he asks nicely. He did have a source for fire for a while but it didn’t stick. It couldn’t take to the metal, it just heated and then cooled but earth sticks. A bit like the stakes but it has an expiry.”

 

“Do they work?” Lissa asks, her voice lowered with curiosity.

 

“They cause discomfort but aren’t fatal.”

 

“Is that what he’s trying to do?”

 

There’s a pause in which Spiridon stops being a big to fix Lissa with a look that made me want to step in front of her. Even though all I would do is hunch my shoulders.

 

“Don’t burden yourself with it little Dragomir.” He finally says.  He gets up with his empty plate and walks away.

 

“I forgot what he’s like.” Lissa mutters, leaning back. Her shoulder is touching mine.

 

“Oh sure, he’s annoying but you can handle Andre.” Natalie says.

 

“I’m immune to Andre. No not skinny Natalie, try bootleg. But don’t you think if there are guns being developed we should, maybe, learn how to…use one?”

 

Natalie laughs. “Are you serious? Us with guns?”

“You’re right, dumb idea.” Lissa says, her voice laughing it off but her face didn’t look like it agreed.

 

She catches my looking and I turn back to the screen. She leans in closer and makes a comment about colour so  they start to argue over jeans for a while before deciding on two. I had very little input. They move onto shirts and scroll through a few pages, clicking on some to ‘add to cart’.

 

“That’s pretty.”

 

“What is?” Lissa asks, making me aware I’d spoken aloud.

 

She and Natalie are staring at me.

 

I start shaking my head and stammering.

 

“These are your things, you get a say.” Lissa encourages.

 

“Unless it’s that mustard one then no you don’t.”

 

I play with the hem of Dimitri’s shirt.  “The purple.”

 

“The silk blouse?” Natalie says and clicks on it.

 

“That colour is gorgeous and it would go so well with your skin tone.” Lissa says. 

 

“It might look too drapey on her frame.” Natalie says, her eyebrows knitting.

 

“But Rose likes it.” Lissa says like this is significant.

 

“Then she has to get a highwaisted skirt.”

 

“If you say so oh fashion guru. I’m going to get a drink, do you two want anything?” Lissa stands and I scramble to the edge of the seat.

 

“I can get you-“

 

“You’re not going to wait on me.” Lissa says clearly but not unkind. “I’m getting juice. Do you want some why I’m there?”

 

I lick my bottom lip.

 

“Soda, please.” I murmur.

 

Lissa smiles and walk away.

 

“MAKE THAT TWO.”  I jump but Natalie doesn’t look away from her screen. “Do you like this skirt? It’s simple and will make that blouse stand out. The black means it will go with loadsa things. I’ll get you’re a small because it’s going to be on your waist and not your hips. You could wear it to my party."

 

“Party?”

 

“My back to school party. I heard Mia was going to throw one so I made sure to make my Facebook event first and made sure Aaron and Ralf got their friends to RSVP ASAP.  Also I made Lissa make Andre to go so it was a sure thing.”

 

“Oh.”

 

Natalie glances at me and the confusion must be all over my face.

 

“Sorry.” She says, shaking her head and smiling. “Aaron is Lissa’s boyfriend and Ralf is mine. They’re gorgeous.”

 

There was a strange, dreamlike look on her face.

 

“Who is?” Lissa asks, plopping back down handing over the cans of soda.

 

“Our one and onlys.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Lissa flicks her can open and takes a drink. There were no daydreams in her eyes.

 

“Have you spoken to Aaron yet?” Natalie asks. “Rose, what about these pj’s?”

 

“Um.”

 

“Cute right? I’ll get them in Medium.”

 

“I spoke to him yesterday.”

 

“Yeah but your back today.”

 

“He knows that.”

 

The topic in which made Natalie look….fuzzy seemed to have the opposite effect on Lissa.

 

“Is he still in Kazakhstan? I can’t believe they still went there after everything.”

 

“Yes, they get back on Thursday. It isn’t too far east, it’s still Europe and they have family there.”

 

Natalie makes a humming noise.

 

“What about shoes?” Lissa says abruptly. “What size are you Rose?”

 

“I don’t know.”

 

“Tennis and ankle boots should be pragmatic.” Natalie says, nodding to herself.

 

“You don’t know?” Lissa repeats and then slides off the couch to floor. She takes my foot into her hands, ignoring my twitch, and holds it up to look at the sole. “Nine.”

 

Natalie frowns and looks down. “Really?”

 

Lissa prods the tip. “Your toes don’t touch the top.”

 

“Take your shoe off.” Natalie says.

 

I shake my head.

 

“I think you’re an eight.” Lissa says. “Yup, order eights.”

 

“And socks. Ooooh we can move onto underwear after.”

 

There’s a beep and we all look over the back of the couch, Lissa popping up onto her knees, as Dimitri comes through the front door.

 

Lissa climbs back to seat, tucking her legs up under her.

 

“Evening Belikov.” Natalie greets in a mock deep voice.

 

“Natalie.” He responds in his quiet one. “Your parents are home safe and sound Lissa. I’ll take you home when you want to leave.”

 

“Thank you.” Lissa says sincerely.

 

“We ordered pizza.” Natalie says, turning back to her screen.

 

“Will it compare to authentic Italian do you think?” Dimitri asks, coming toward the living room.

 

The girls answer at the same time.

 

“No.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You can’t beat Domino’s.” Natalie says proudly. “Rose, aren’t these cute?”

 

I look at the tan boots with their slightly pointed toes, small platform at the heel and the buckle at the ankle.

 

Natalie’s looking at me expectantly.

 

“Yeah.” I say not sure I mean it.  Natalie beams and adds them to the growing list.

 

“Florence is beautiful isn’t it?” Dimitri says, sitting down on the other couch.

 

Lissa answers enthusiastically and they start discussing beautiful places, museums and things I forget how to say as soon as they say them.

 

“Huge cultural buffs.” Natalie murmurs into my ear. She doesn’t notice I’ve tensed. “So borrring.”

 

I wish I knew what they were talking about so I could at least agree with her. Instead an ugly feeling was rearing up inside me as Lissa and Dimitri’s conversation flowed with ease, weaving in and out and spiking with short laughs or small smiles. Those were from Lissa, the most Dimitri managed was a mild expression of intent.

 

Lissa catches my eye and smiles wider.

 

It makes me catch myself. I was being silly and ungrateful.

 

I smile back.

 

I notice Dimitri watching and turn my attention to Natalie’s laptop. She was looking at underwear.

 

“My favourite kind of shopping.” Natalie says, flashing me devious look.

 

“Why?”

 

She glances up at Dimitri who was engrossed with Lissa again.  She did have tact then, thank god.

 

“Well, they’re so pretty. You can have silk and lace and there is so many different styles and it’s also like, wearing a secret weapon.”

 

“A secret weapon?”

 

“When I’m having a bad day or something I’ll put on my nicest set to feel better. It’s like having a secret weapon under your clothes, no one else knows how damn hot you look but you do and you feel tons better. Also it makes Ralf go crazy.”

 

“Why?”

 

Natalie glances at me and something in her face flickers.

 

“He just thinks I look nice.”

 

She turns back to the laptop and a new page loads.  My heartflatlines as images of bra’s fill the screen.

 

“You’re a what? 32 B, AA?” She says quietly and then looks directly at my chest.

 

I stand up abruptly, making her jump in surprise. That made a change.

 

“Rose?” Dimitri asks.

 

“Doyouwantcoffee?” I say in one breath.

 

“No.” He responds immediately, his dark eyes fixed on me.

 

“Maybe Victor does.”

 

That’s what I was supposed to have said but it came out jumbled and I’m not sure they understood but I was already scrambling around the couch to get to the kitchen.

 

My cheeks are hot.

 

My hands are shaking.

 

_Get a grip!_

“Rose.”

 

I yank the fridge door open. The cool air was refreshing and I take a deep breath.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I grab a bottle of water and shut the door, locking my expression into place. 

 

I make myself look up at him.

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“Don’t lie to me.” He responds quietly. His arms are folded and his hard gaze is stronger than my resolve.

 

_Don’t lie, don’t disobey._

“Please.” He adds.

 

How could I tell him? How could I explain when I was wearing his shirt which hid the reason and he’s watching me, waiting. It’s too much. I don’t know what to say. I cannot lie but I can’t tell the truth.

 

I spin and reopen the fridge, snatching the milk out and moving over to the counter.  I flip the machine on and take out a clean mug. There were dishes in the sink I needed to do. I run the faucet for hot water.

“If you tell me what’s bothering you then we can deal with it.”

 

“I can’t.”

 

I hear him come to stand beside me, feel the warmth radiating off his body.

 

“You can Rose but you can choose to not want to. That’s different.”

 

I watch the bubbles grow and become frothy in the sink. I take a deep breath and exhale. The bandages restrict.

 

I turn quickly and say it before he can convince me otherwise.

 

“I don’t want to talk about it. Not with you.”

 

His face remains impassive, calm. There’s no quirks, no reaction, nothing in his level gaze. He doesn’t react like I will always fear that he will. He doesn’t react at all.

 

That’s when it dawns on me that this is a reaction itself.

 

The coffee machine beeps.

 

“Okay.” He says quietly and walks away.

 

Lissa appears in the entry at the same time he’s leaving. Her lovely, gracious smile only dimming slightly as she examines his expression, it’s only a moment and then they’ve eclipsed each other.

 

I busy myself with the hot drink.

 

“Anything I can help with?” She asks brightly. Too bright, too forced.

 

 _She’s just being nice. It could be worse._  

 

I shake my head.

 

It’s quiet for a few moments in which wobbly thoughts encroach in my head. Natalie, my mother, Dimitri, bandages.

 

I reach up to reassure myself they’re in place, disguising the reassuring brush as an itch.

 

“What Natalie was looking at.” Lissa begins delicately. She had a nice voice. All inflections that should be sharp were rounded or smoother. It was very different to Dimitri’s. “We’ll forget about them for now if that’s what you want?”

 

I stare at the shine bouncing on the silver teaspoon as I stir.  This was the closest I could get to explaining, a way of getting away from it and keeping my secrets and I decide, right there, that I like Lissa.

 

I nod.

 

“Okay. Good.” She says and I drop the spoon into the sink. “I can take this up to Uncle Victor. I need to talk to him about something anyway. Is that alright?”

 

I nod again.

 

I tense as her light fingers touch my shoulder as she picks up the mug. She walks away and I stick my hands into the hot water, my cold fingers smarting in protest. It helps clear my head from the tumbling.

 

/

 

There were not four elements of magic.  There were five and the fifth was pizza. I should have known by the smell, it should have been the obvious sign. 

 

As Natalie handed over the money to an awkward, tall boy who needed to wash his hair and start blinking instead of ogling Natalie, the smell coming from three large boxes had hit me like …well like the strigoi woman. My mind became lazy and I became the one staring at Natalie pranced into the living room.

 

Their voices were white noise. There were only the boxes and the smell. And then Spiridon opened the first box and sound came rushing back as salvia flooded my mouth. The other two boxes opened and hands were reaching in for slices. Slices that cheese overflowed from and hung down like golden string, with pepperoni, vegetables and delicious meaty pieces cushioned on top. Hot dough, melted cheese, tomatoes and meat were swirling around my head. It was like being inside one of my dreams but those didn’t end well.

 

Light, warm fingers touch cover mine and I look at Lissa dazedly. It takes me a moment to realize what she’s said.

 

“What do you want?”

 

I wanted to wake up. Needed to. I stare at her waiting for the illusion to fracture.  She squeezes my hand. She lifts the last small plate and takes a slice from each pizza. She holds it out to me. “There, variety.”

 

It was usually this point that everything warped, when it became close enough to touch but my hands take the warm plate and the room doesn’t change.

 

I lift the slice that must be ‘meat feast’. It’s surprisingly heavy and floppy.

 

“You need the dip!” Natalie shouts from the other couch. Beside her Victor winces.

 

She tosses a little tub to us which myself and Lissa had not been expecting but thankfully it’s snatched from the air before connecting with my face.

 

“Here.”

 

Dimitri holds it poised between his fingertips.

 

I try to soften my lips, to make them work again. I purse them and then speak.

 

“Thank you.”

 

I reach out and take it, accidentally grazing his hand. Something buzz’s and tugs inside me, making me jerk the pot from his grasp. It was like an electric shock and it seemed to be one sided because he turns his attention back to the others.

 

 It was because I was cold and he was always warm, it had to be the reaction to the different temperature.

 

“I’m dying here.” Lissa says, dragging my focus back to important things. Like the pizza. “I want to see your reaction.”

 

A week ago having a Moroi watching me eat would have me breaking down but right now, it only caused trembles. It could be because it was Lissa. Her lovely face didn’t bear one hint of malice and I couldn’t imagine evil pooling her green eyes like I’d seen it in blue. That was naive I realized but I couldn’t help it. Another explanation could be that the Pizza was completely overwhelming my senses and the added smell of the garlic dip was amazing.

 

I take a bite, my teeth sinking into it like it’s butter only it was cheese and tomato and ham and chicken and something spice and it probably the most beautiful moment of my life.

                                                                                

Slowly I open my eyes and Lissa’s smile is triumphant.

 

“That was very satisfying.” She says, taking a comically large bite out of her own slice.

 

Chuckles break into my reverie. Lissa was not the only one who seemed amused by my first experience with the fifth element. I manage to flash a grin but its short lived. I needed my mouth for other things, like eating.

 

“Please make sure I’m always around for Rose experiencing things.” Ben says, one side of his cheek bulging. Both of mine were. I’d bitten off as much as I could.

 

“We could make a bucket list.” Natalie proposes.

 

“That’s a wonderful idea.” Victor says.

 

He was the only one using cutlery. Natalie told me to put all but one set away because there was only one way to eat pizza properly.  “Daddy just has to always do things his way.” She’d told me.

 

“Bungee jumping, once you’ve put on weight that will qualify to make you spring back up.” Spiridon says, from where he’s slouched in the armchair.

 

“A well thought out contribution as always.” Ben responds, reaching for another…three slices.

 

I didn’t care if Spiridon was being funny at my expense. I was comfortable, sitting beside Lissa and Dimitri with a plate of food in my lap. I was struck again by how incredibly lucky I was and tried not to think about how unlucky others were.

 

There’s a quiet buzz, something like I’d had when I’d touched Dimitri’s hand. In a synchronized fashion he, Ben and Spiridon all react. Dimitri with his sure and quick movements, pulled out his phone. Spiridon  jams his hand into his pocket and pulls his out as he sits up and Ben stands to do pull his phone from his back pocket.

 

The air shifts.

 

“Shit.” Spiridon breathes.

 

Ben looks up at Dimitri.

 

“What is it?” Victor asks calmly, putting one hand on Natalie’s shoulder.

 

Dimitri inhales and his jaw is rigid. Involuntarily I lean into Lissa or was she leaning toward me?

 

“There’s been another raid.” He says, his voice as quiet and as grim as a fresh grave. 

 


	14. Stop Digging.

** DPOV **

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging. -- Will Rogers

 

 

 

 

It wasn’t the first time I was grateful to have inherited my father’s poker face. I resented it but I made sure to utilise it for more civilised circumstances and not just to put the fear of God into people, although that was useful too and much quicker than having to resort to other means.

 

Right now my poker face was concealing the panic at having the Dragomir’s trickling into the living room and directing strands of the conversation at the girl Ben was helping up the stairs.  Victor was doing his best to direct and contain the conversation to their holiday in Europe. Once he had his daughter’s attention the task was much easier.

 

Natalie’s enthusiasm and excitement could be contagious. Rhea is dragged into it and soon her husband follows. Only the youngest Dragomir girl remains on the outskirts, having paused to look up at Ben making his way back downstairs, Rose safely hidden away.

 

Logically it was for the best but I still felt uneasy about it.

 

Suspicion could be curbed by not being addressed, by not putting it under the magnifying glass. We were trained for that.

 

Ben doesn’t make eye contact with any of us as he stations himself in front of the glass wall. His expression becoming as blank and as unreadable as the wall becomes in daylight. We become living statues, a way of giving this reunion privacy when they can’t have it. It’s easier to become invisible to our charges when they’re at ease with us. If they needed or wanted us to join the conversation then they will initiate it.

 

Spiridon stands almost comically immobile behind the couch Victor, Natalie and Eric occupy. Comically because he has not assumed a desiccating demeanour for a while now which would make me worry he no longer had the ability. Especially his behaviour at the Ozera’s but later I learned Victor had requested he be himself there, roughly meaning to show no respect or disposition for them and to make them pretty damn uncomfortable.

 

It would probably be the only time I’d approve of Spiridon being himself.

 

It was a strange set up here at Victor Dashkov’s. Inside his home we were ordered to treat it as our own and not just a place to hold down for the protection of its owners. Then again, if we thought of it as our home we’d protect it just as or maybe more fiercely on a subconscious level. Another thing I couldn’t work out was tactic or kindness.

 

The Dragomir’s Guardians had positioned themselves around the ground floor too. One behind the couch where Rhea, Andre and Lissa Dragomir sat and the other stood by the front door. They had a bigger family than Victor’s but had fewer Guardians which was a marker of import.  Victor had more influence but he didn’t need us three just for protection…he needed a team equipped for his tasks.

 

“The Lago di Garda…breathtaking.” Eric Dragomir exclaims, one hand held up in emphasis. His pronunciation was terrible.

 

“It was so cool seeing the Academy there. After the Dhampir’s are done training they get to have espresso’s on the training deck and watch the sunrise.” Natalie says, taking her fathers’ hand to literally hold his attention.

 

“Their class rooms are literal works of history. The paintings, the statues, it’s incredible.” Vasilisa says, passion colouring her recall.

 

The distinctions between the two girls had surprised me when I’d first witnessed them together. Where Natalie was loud, energetic, frivolously and enthralled with the social aspects of her world Lissa was more reserved, thoughtful, gracious and empathetic. These quieter qualities shone in a different measure for Vasilisa and I’d witnessed people easily migrate toward her. Where Natalie was the excitable one Vasilisa was the one they could fall back on to take a readying gulp of fresh air.  These girls were fused together by years of childhood, family ties and the innate qualities they possessed could inspire the other with. Despite all this there was something not quite balanced though and I wondered would their closeness last a lifetime like their fathers has

.

“I thought you might enjoy it Lissa.” Victor says warmly.

“I enjoyed it too.” Natalie says, a petulant note in her voice.

“We all did.” Rhea Dragomir says, smoothing out what could become a deep crease in this reunion. “We visited as much of what you recommended Victor. It was a wonderful trip.”

“You saved us hiring a tour guide.” Eric jokes.

“I envy Italian Academies.” Andre states. “All the carb filled choices on the menu are another reason I resent starting school here.”

Laughter resonates at the eldest boy’s bitterness. He was like Natalie in the aspect he liked having the spotlight but like his sister, he got it naturally from others. He has the cockiness Spiridon liked to spin off but it suited him better than my colleague, it was charming rather than irritating.

“Is that why we lost you? You were gorging in the kitchens?”

“No mother, in the dorms.”

“Andre that’s disgusting!” Lissa exclaims as a mix of laughter and chastising emit from the rest of the party.

“Speaking of the ladies.” Andre begins, venturing on with cocky attitude despite his mother’s reprimanding. “Who was that Natalie nearly killed earlier?”

I didn’t think it was possible for me to become any stiller but somehow I feel very organ in body try to cease functioning. A slow inhale ensures things keep working as they should. Across the room Ben’s fingers twitch at his side.

“I didn’t – Andre stop being such an asshat!”

“An asshat?” He repeats, sounding close to laughter.

“I’m afraid you are approaching that criteria sweetheart.” Rhea says, her gentle voice becoming stern. “Are you sure she’s okay Victor? Should I check on her?”

“Rhea you’re concern is touching but it would just embarrass Rose further. She’s sensitive girl to put it mildly. Dimitri’s sister is quite his opposite in temperament.”

I only have a moment to come to terms with announcement of Rose being my sister before six sets of eyes are weighing on me.

“You’re sisters visiting?” Eric asks in surprise.

I acknowledge them cooly. “Yes. My mother thought it would be good for her to see a bit of the world.”

“No doubt she’ll be going back to the East thinking the USSR had the right ideas.” Andre laughs.

The attitude that was seemingly charming was close to becoming ignorant and typical of Royal brats. His parents expressions mirror each other in showing signs of embarrassment and steel but it’s his sister that mutters something in his ear that I make out as, ‘extremely offensive’. His smug expression sobers a little.

“About us Americans being idiots, that is.” He adds.

“She wouldn’t be far wrong.” Eric says,  a hard look fixed on his son.

The Dragomir’s, like most Royal’s I’d encountered, prided themselves on being good-mannered and respectful  but unlike most royal’s it wasn’t just for show.

“No offense taken.” I say quietly, sparing the boy further humiliation.

Rhea Dragomir offers a gracious smile and it’s like looking at the future in thirty years and seeing her daughter. Both her children had inherited her emerald eyes and soft blonde curls. Andre’s was a darker blonde, more golden and from what’s I’d seen the most attention he paid to it was to run his hands through it every ten minutes. His inherited moroi beauty made minimal effort necessary. His sister resembled him but where he embodied his mother’s qualities in a masculine fashion, Lissa had every trait in a softer, feminine glow. Her pale blonde hair was pulled up in a modest ponytail that only made her green eyes seem bigger and her cheekbones more defined. Their father by contrast had light brown hair and hazel eyes that sometimes seemed green. Despite Eric’s colouring the Dragomir’s were often referred to as the golden dragons. A nickname derived from their Royal symbol, a dragon, and their hair colour. It seemed a fitting name as all sat together Rhea, Andre and Lissa gave the illusion of sunlight being present in the room.

“Most amiable of you, Dimitri.” Eric obliges and I nod.

The irony being showing any regard for my feeling was the gracious thing.

They come first.

“And if there’s any way in which we can enhance Rose’s visit then we’d be glad to. I’m sure the girls wouldn’t mind spending the day with her and we’d absolutely love to have her over for dinner. Perhaps we can all arrange an outing?”

“She has to go to the mall. There is nothing like an American mall.” Natalie pipes up, her fists held up and shaking in excitement. 

“We’ll see what we can organise.” Victor says, trying to brush away the topic. I nod in thanks to Eric. “So you must tell me what you thought of The Prado-“

“I thought you only had three sisters.” Lissa suddenly asks, her soft voice somehow commandeering the attention of the room. “Viktoria, Sonja and Karolina.”

Hearing her recite my siblings name effortlessly is not just what stuns me but the look of assuredness in her eyes. Somehow I knew that there was no arguing with this girl or correcting her, somehow I knew she’d know I was lying. The emerald was studying me closely as if seeing in and around me, as if the essence of me was telling her the truth. But this was whimsical thought and there was nothing to support it but feeling and that was not enough for the levity of the situation.

Behind Victor, Spiridon’s swallows. A small movement of muscle in his throat but a tell.

“Lissa, you must have misheard.” Eric begins but Rhea looks thoughtful. It suddenly comes to me that I shared this information with them in July, before their departure. I had no idea Lissa had been listening.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Another thing about Dragomir’s, they are not fools.

“Half-sister.” Victor says, trying to gain control through intimidation by proposing an unsettling explanation.

It wasn’t uncommon for Moroi men to take Dhampir women on the side as mistresses and ignore the offspring in which they produce. This was close to being the truth in regards to my family and the infidelity and dishonour associated with it was an uncomfortable subject for most.

As expected Rhea looks taken back and Eric looks down at his clasped hands between his knees.

“You’re lying.” Lissa says plainly, looking at the man she fondly calls Uncle.

There’s a stunned silence.

The young Dragomir turns to me. “He is lying isn’t he?”

“Lissa.” Eric manages to say now, peddling past his surprise.

“No.” I answer. “Rose is my half-sister. Her mother passed away and she has been put in my mother’s care.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” Rhea says, trying to make amends.

Andre is regarding his sister bizarrely and Natalie is looking from each face confusedly.

“You’re lying.” Lisa repeats, harder this time.

“Lissa stop.” Eric demands. “You’re being unforgivable rude.”

She does not remove her gaze. “You said before you had three sisters, a nephew and Sonja was trying for another. Forgive me but you sounded very proud of your family despite the stigma. You never mentioned another sister.”

A hot prickle runs up my spine.

“We didn’t know.” I answer. My voice is like wrinkled silk.

“You’re lying.” Lissa repeats again. Her voice and eyes flat with conviction.

“Jesus Liss.” Andre utters.

“What has gotten into you?” Rhea demands in a strained, hushed voice. “These outbursts have to stop.”

“Dimitri, I am so sorry.” Eric expresses looking full of sincerity and embarrassment. Beside him Victor is watching Lissa carefully.

“No apology necessary.” I return. “Rose’s existence has only been a fairly recent discovery.”

Lissa Dragomir stands up, glaring at me with a force that could melt glass.

“I want to speak to Rose.” She says.

“Lissa sit down.” Rhea orders, her frustration climbing.

“No, I shan’t. I’m going to go ask Rose exactly who she is because they are lying and I want to know why. I want to know why Ben rushed to get a girl upstairs and out of sight.”

Across the room anxiety is on Ben’s face.

“Vasilisa you are way out of line and you will sit down this instant.” Eric says through his teeth.

My jaw is locked and I inhale.

Lissa’s intensity dissipates a little under the strain of her father’s orders but she remains standing.

“She’s right.” Victor says suddenly, making everyone turn to him.

“Victor?” Eric asks, looking completely baffled.

Lissa glances back at me and then around her, as if only becoming aware she’s at the centre of a scene. She slowly sits down. Andre mouths ‘are you okay’ and she nods.  I straighten my back and retake my stance at the wall. Across the room Ben gives me a look that says ‘oh shit’.

“Rose is not Dimitri’s relative….she was a slave that we rescued.”

The silence is deafening.

“What?” Natalie says in a manner that conveys she hasn’t heard him right. She sits forward to look at him.

Victor sits up straighter. “A recent business trip had us stumble across her in the possession of a Moroi and I felt more than obliged to bring her back here.”

“That young girl…that young girl is a slave?” Rhea states, looking unnerved. Beside her Lissa has gone pale.

I’ve forgotten myself. I look fixedly ahead.

“Was, dear. Was.” Victor says softly.

“But…what age is she?” Eric demands.

“She is seventeen years old.”

I hear short intake of breath.

“H-how? I mean where did they get her? Was she taken? Has it been one of the raids? I can’t recall –“

“No, no.” Victor says, his voice trying to soothe this burning topic. “Rose was born to it.”

“Oh my God.” Rhea says and sounds like the air has been taking from her.

“Born there? Then her mother was taken or was she born there to? This is…we think blood whoring is bad, that the infidelity.. but to be…slave breeding. Christ Victor. This is unspeakable. That girl, what has she been through?” Eric says.

“She has been medically examined by an alchemist and prescribed a nutrition plan. She’s timid, frightened and overwhelmed but is she a strong girl.” Victor says. “She’ll be staying here for the foreseeable future.” 

“Staying here?” Rhea repeats. “To do what exactly?”

“Well for now I have explained to her that she’d in my current employment which is for her own safety until-“

“Employment?” Rhea exclaims angrily. “You’ve taken her from hell to a new one but under different pretence?”

A hot prickle runs up my spine.

“Rhea, listen –“

“Victor what are you thinking? She needs help. She needs the care of professionals. You can’t keep her like pet that knows how to do chores.” Eric says, sounding just as enraged as his wife.

“Daddy wouldn’t do that!”

“It’s okay darling. Eric, Rhea as my oldest friends I’m hurt you think this of me but if you would be quiet for three minutes I will explain.”

And so he does. He explains to them about Rose, how she is a key witness to a Royal’s debaucheries, how he has had her examined by medical professionals, that his goal is to help her find a way in to mainstream society and he will provide whatever help is needed to close the gap between what she knows from a life of deprivation and what she needs to be equipped with to survive on her own. 

He doesn’t provide the Royal Moroi family name for a number of reasons.  One is that it would undermine Victor’s goal to get all the families on some sort of equal footing. It was enough to mention it was a royal to inspire shock and to enforce how far the nobility has fallen but to be specific would create hostility between the Dragomir’s and the Ozera’s which would undo what Victor had managed to do in the last few days, to get Lucas Ozera back into political action after years of being stagnant. The Dragomir’s would not let the abominable actions of their ‘cousins’ go quietly.

It was a hard thing to admit, to say out loud but Dhampir slavery had become a very real thing in our world, a very disturbing reality.  It wasn’t flaunted, it wasn’t something we were desensitized to in amidst of the chaos and attacks and plummeting numbers in our population. It was a hushed and hidden crime for the most part, perpetrators never making it obvious and not because they’d face a trail but because they’d be branded with ultimate disgrace and suffer the indignity from our world. They’d be seen as no better than the Nazi’s or the human slaveholders. The inhumanity was unforgiveable, the crime that had no fitting punishment and all amplified by the belief we were the superior civilisation. One’s who had felt just as horrified by the humans’ crimes against each other, so much so that Dhampir’s had served in their wars and campaigned in disguise all for the sake of justice. We’d believed we were better because we only became our worst when physically forced to. When we lost our souls. But the Ozera’s and many like them had shown that magical ability, heightened senses and evolutionary development did not make us wiser about humanity.

The Dragomir’s would march them to social and political noose. As much as I’d like to this and as much as Victor would agree they deserve it, we could not let that happen.  We needed the unification of the Royals. We also couldn’t let the actions of two debase a whole lineage. I had my own personal reasons for that. Tasha had been to share her suspicions with me and given me permission to share them with Victor. She didn’t deserve punishment for her brother’s crimes and I believed her when she said her nephew didn’t either. He would have to leave school, either by demand or because, and this was just my own thought because of recent developments, Lissa Dragomir would force him out.

Victor explanation leaves the room quiet and it makes me realize how much anger was weighing down upon me.  I try to make it dissipate. Anger was useless to me right now, I had no way to utilize it but for all this reasoning I’m only able to compress it down to embers.

“But who…who could reap so many Dhampirs? And keep them subdued?” Eric Dragomir finally asks but he sounds dazed.

“Enough violence, pathological, physical, mental and emotional can wear down even the best trained soldier until they break.” Victor says gravely. “Dhampir’s can endure for longer but they are not invincible.”

No, we certainly are not.

“And like Rose, it may be all they have ever known.”

“This is an atrocity.” Rhea Dragomir’s voice is a mix of outrage and shock. “Those poor souls.”

Her husband is less shocked and more outraged, demanding to know the Moroi responsible and have them punished. Victor tries to curb him by vindicating that they had been dealt with and the Dhampirs left behind were being treated better. This doesn’t appease them at all and it’s not really surprising. Victor explains it’s too late to mainstream them into society, that there weren’t resources available to house them and take care of them and he regretfully did not have the time to put something together. He told them about the turnover of Guardians and receiving daily reports. He makes it clear, with no concrete details, that the tyrants responsible are under his thumb and he was not making life easy for them.

“I can’t give you their names. I have…. Things in place that we cannot afford to lose. Please believe me, I doing what I know is best.”

“For who? Victor, we love you but we know you. Your self-interest cannot take precedence.” Rhea Dragomir says.

“My interests are not self-involved. My interests have the full weight of our world on them, our children’s lives, our futures, our legacies.  I am punishing the culprits, they have in no way gotten off lightly but if I take course of action _you_ want…they will. These people will not burn in their shame and you know better than to believe they will be prosecuted. They will disappear, comfortably and I implore you understand this will be worse.”

Victor’s argument, to those without all the details and in this case his audience, would be hard to buy. It would sound self-interested and craven. But he was right, the Ozera’s would disappear east and God knows what would become of them or what would happen to Tasha and Christian. And no matter their crimes I knew that Victor was trying to save them from themselves as well as using them to serve a purpose. 

A few moments tick by in heavy silence.

I don’t dare to glance and calculate their responses based on facial readings or body language. This wasn’t just a discussion regarding our business, if it had been perhaps I’d be more worried, but it was a discussion between people who were family and that meant a lot here.

“You’ve never given us a reason to doubt you.” Eric Dragomir says solemnly. “I trust your judgement.”

“Yes, of course we do.” Rhea agrees softly. “Forgive me, I just-”

“There’s nothing to forgive.” Victor responds airily but I suspected on some level there was some injury. “You reactions show how much you care when most people would turn the other way.”

“So…Rose was it? Do we pretend she isn’t here or can we talk to her?” Andre Dragomir ventures.

I catch Ben’s eye, a secondary lapse of control but it confirms the eldest Dragomir boy’s question had affected him too. After yesterday’s negligence we were going to have be a lot more cautious with whom we brought into this house and who we let Rose interact with. She was vulnerable and more likely to be even more afraid of men, especially moroi. Her reaction to Victor’s feeding sessions rears up in my mind, how frightened she was that she’d be conducted into being part of it. It was some relief to discover that she was ignorant to the experience personally but it was something she’d seen before and it didn’t take a lot to figure out between whom.

Victor had mentioned getting a DNA test run, of the basis of Spiridon’s lurid blunder on the plane. Keith would have sample of Rose’s and it wouldn’t be hard to get hold of Lucas’…or Christians. It could be Tasha’s niece upstairs and even though Rose was adamant she wasn’t Lucas’ daughter, her word wasn’t substantial evidence. Spiridon could be tactless but he had a point. Victor could have far more leverage than he bargained for.

“Well I had planned to introduce her to Natalie in the hopes that being around another girl would help her settle and to adjust to this way of life. Perhaps interacting with two other peers would be good for her. You would just have to be mindful, in some ways she’s like a child but in others she’s more mature for her age.”

“She would have to be, considering everything she has been through.” Rhea says fiercely, as if there was need to defend Rose.

I could picture her expression at being referred to as a child. Someone would probably get a fist flung at them.

I press my lips together.

Victor makes a noise of agreement. “Exactly. Be simple and concise with her but don’t be patronising. Spiridon’s been on the receiving end of her response to that.”

I can’t help but glance at him as the others do and it’s more than amusing to see his jaw tense. I could only imagine what he was holding back and how it killed him to do so.

I avert my gaze back to the other side of the room but not before glimpsing Vasilisa watching me studiously.

I school my face and look at the flowers beyond the glass wall and Ben’s head.

“Whatever we can do to help we will.” Rhea Dragomir says.

“Absolutely.” Her husband agrees.

“Can we go talk to her?” Vasilisa asks.

There is a pause in which half the occupants of the room tense.

“I don’t see why not.” Victor says. “Natalie why don’t you go too. Introduce yourselves, be patient and not that your girls aren’t but try to be more considerate in all instances. She needs clothes too and if there is anything else you can think of…I’m at a bit of a loss. ”

The girls remove themselves from the couches and make their way upstairs, whispering in low voices.

It nettled me to leave them unsupervised but I had to be reasonable. There was no threat here. I knew those girls and they were harmless.

I hear the faint knock on Rose’s bedroom door.   
  
“Do you think I should go up in a little bit?” Rhea asks. It was nice to hear the concern her voice, a maternal concern.

“I think it might be better not to overwhelm her even more…and I think meeting you would be too raw after only a few days away from her mother.” Victor responds softly.

Good decision.

“Is there anything else we can do? Anything she needs?” Eric asks.

“Just your discretion is enough. You know how problematic this could be if the other Royal’s found out. If anyone else finds out.”

The end of Victor’s sentence weighs down heavily and I cast a look at the Dragomir’s Guardian who’s stationed at the front door. He catches my eye and nods curtly.  

“Of course.” Eric Dragomir says. “This is safe with us.”

“I can’t take it in.” Rhea says, rubbing her forehead. “How…far we’ve fallen. It scares me to think we could live in the world where this could be normal. We used to be a community. We had so much pride in one and another. It overwhelms to think our choices have caused this…that four people voting for another set this future in motion. We were all wrong to not support you.”

How would the world be different if Victor Dashkov had succeeded the throne instead of Neil Szelsky? I didn’t have to really question it. I knew it would not be like it is. There would still be a Royal court instead of the remnants of one.  There would be a Guard made up of the most highly skilled Dhampirs, graduates of the best Academies in the world. Three of those Academies now stood as empty tombs.

The Strigoi’s numbers wouldn’t so alarming that we now installed panic rooms in our Moroi’s homes and worry that something was coming, a tsunami of blood we couldn’t see but could feel the ripples under our feet.

There wouldn’t be so few of us left to defend our world and there would be no room for us to be so vulnerable that we’re reduced to slavery, ignorant to our rights, our power.

There wouldn’t be so much fear.

We wouldn’t be putting hopes into rumours and gossip of a cult.

There would be twelve royal families instead of eleven.

All if the mad king hadn’t thrown gasoline over his people and danced as they burned, then killed himself on the ashes.

The ‘what ifs’ are a nice realm to visit but they couldn’t help us. I believed the only thing that could was to follow the man that should have been leading us years ago.

“Don’t do that.” Victor says. “What’s done is done and we concern ourselves with now. It’s the only way to go on.”

“It’s so weird to think you could have been Uncle King Victor.” Andre says, restoring some lightness to the room.

“I like that ‘Uncle’ takes precedence to ‘King’ in that sentence.”

“It means you’d let me get away with more.”

“Like you don’t already.” Rhea says and reaches out to ruffle her son’s hair. He dodges her hand.

“We should get going.” Eric announces. “The plan was to stay for dinner but obviously that might not be the best idea. Too many people at once and we have a lot to unpack.”

“I dread to think about what Natalie’s got hidden in her suitcase.” Victor says, shaking his head.

Rhea makes an amused sound, trying to support this fragile air of ease.

“She did bring home an extra two.” Andre adds.

“I noticed.”

Eric nods to his son. “Will you go and get Lissa? And be nice.”

“I’m always nice.”

Andre makes his way upstairs and I make myself stay put.

They chat a little more about the Dragomir’s vacation and the difficulty of arranging to have more Dhampir escorts as they travelled. Thank God for the Alchemists who had resources and connections everywhere guaranteed to make things happen.  Ten years ago most of us didn’t know about their existence but as more Moroi dropped and more strigoi attacks emerged so did the Alchemists. They may hate us but they had their own reasons for wanting the Moroi protected and Dhampirs to extent. Their reasons were a mystery but I would guess a part of it would be that we’d been keeping Strigoi subdued for centuries and they needed us to keep playing our part.

Keeping the Royal Moroi protected was the height of their favours, well, the one’s they kept records anyway.

“Dimitri will accompany you home.” Victor says, bringing me to attention.

“Of course.”

The all turn to the sound of Andre descending the stairs, the girls following him seconds later. They begin negotiating for Vasilisa to stay and I cross the room to ask Ben about the phones. He assures me they’re functioning perfectly now and it’s safe to turn them back on. Under his monotone it’s clear he’s embarrassed and I wanted to reassure him but incompetence like this can’t be comforted. It wasn’t acceptable and frankly he needed to step up.

Outside I get onto the Dragomir’s Guardians headset frequency as Victor says his goodbyes. I tail the car eight miles to their home without any hiccups and come back to find all three girls in the living room.

Natalie and Rose peer at me over the sofa and Lissa pops up from where she must be on the floor. I do a quick sweep over Rose as I tell Vasilisa her parents are home safe. She seemed okay, not too overwhelmed by Natalie’s energy or by being around the girls in general. Her posture was tight but her chin stayed raised and she didn’t avert her eyes to the floor as usual. She was engaged instead of shying away when Natalie asked her questions. She was also openly watching mine and Vasilisa’s exchange about Cupola del Brunelleschi. Vasilisa feels her gaze and looks over. Rose becomes an animal caught in the headlights but instead of looking away or shrinking herself further, she forces a smile. A small one but the effort spoke volumes. Her dark eyes flick to me and the smile disappears. She turns back to Natalie, leaning toward her to look at the laptop.

Vasilisa asks me a question and we return to the topic of Roman history.

The light sheen of blue and redness under Rose’s eye was significantly better than yesterday, thanks to our accelerated healing. It would most likely be cleared up in a week’s time, sooner if her remedial genes speed up with her metabolism.  Another reason she needed to eat more.

Suddenly Rose is on her feet, a spring wound up too tight and released.

“Rose?”

I scan the room for some source for change but there isn’t one.

Natalie’s wide eyes look from Rose to the screen in her lap, a sheepish expression starting to cloud her face. The one she got when she realised she’d done or said something brash. It was a rare look and usually inspired when Victor was around.

Rose asks me if I want a coffee in a rush of breath. I decline and she makes some ineligible excuse to scurry to the kitchen.

“What did you say to her?” Vasilisa asks lowly.

Natalie opens her mouth but her explanation halts as she glances at me.

“Excuse me.”  I stand.

 I’d ask Rose myself, she could tell and I’d sort it out.

I find her standing with her back to me, her dark hair lying down it thick waves. By her hips her hands are shaking. I say her name which provokes a reaction. She yanks open the fridge and ignores my question.

She turns to me and her face is deadpan. A lie. It bothers me more than I’m comfortable with. I cross my arms.

“I’m fine.” She says.

“Don’t lie to me.”

It an outspoken reaction and not a rational request. It sounded harsh so I try to amend it by saying please. For a moment she looks like she might tell me, for a moment it looks like the wall constructed behind her eyes might come down.

She whirls around and opens the fridge. She snatches out the milk carton and shuts the door so forcefully the whole thing shakes.

I take a deep breath and mentally count to three. Why did this press upon my patience like pressing upon a fresh bruise? I had earned my control… it was mine so why was it resisting me.

Rose starts fussing by the sink and turns on the coffee machine.

I knew why it bothered me. Her quick, panicky movements, the tenseness in her shoulders, the lowered eyes… it was like being in my childhood home thirteen years before.

“If you tell me what’s bothering you then we can deal with it.”

“I can’t”

Yes you can. You can tell me and I’ll fix it.

I’ve moved closer to her side but kept enough distance to not crowd her.

“You can Rose but you can choose to not want to. That’s different.”

Her head is bent over the sink. A portion of her thick hair has fallen out of her braid and is hiding her face. Her thin fingers cling to the counter top.

Her chin jerks up and she fixes with an impenetrable look.

“I don’t want to talk about it. Not with you.”

We stare at each other as this sinks in.

“Okay.” I say and make myself walk away.

Vasilisa passes me in the entry. Maybe she’d have more luck. She was considerate, tactful and probably, most importantly in this instance, female.

I retreat upstairs to my room.

I don’t bother with the light and sit down on the bay seat overlooking the back of the house. I hadn’t noticed how clear the sky was tonight, the tree tops were silhouetted against the navy which was speckled with diamonds. It would be easy to pretend I was home from this perspective. Except it wasn’t crisply cold and I felt completely remote looking up at the sea of stars.

I pull my phone out and dial the house telephone. They’re eight hours but someone could still pick up. I hadn’t called a mobile just encase they had been sleeping and I didn’t want to disturb. God knows how Viktoria could be when she was tired.

The dial tone stops and the automated voice picks up. So they were asleep or pretending to be.

I let the hand holding my phone drop to my lap and look out at the sky.

Did it make it harder I wonder, for them to forgive me when I was so far away? I wasn’t there to show I was sorry for how it turned out and I had left so quickly, turning them over to a new way of life. Was their last memory of me clouded in anger that they couldn’t see past it?

I run a hand over my head and stand.

 I was over thinking. They were asleep.

//

It would be comical if it weren’t so … sad.

Rose’s expression as she had her first taste of pizza mirrored that of someone who’d just been proposed to or found out they’d past their finals with exceptional grades. Vasilisa saw the flip side of it, of how it was wonderful to see Rose try new things and Natalie proposes making a list. It was a good idea but I couldn’t quite shake the darkness of the situation. Things like this shouldn’t be firsts they should be ordinary. They should be a part of an ordinary night with her friends.

The reality of it was like a black stain in my mind.

It seemed everyone else had become desensitised to Rose’s condition and background. That wasn’t a bad thing but I wished it warranted to think before throwing things at her. I’d caught the dip in a fluke and when I handed it to her she’d looked at me with something that resembled apprehension…like being civil toward her had taken her by surprise again.

Her fingers had been cold which I’d noticed every time I’d made contact with her hands. It could be circulation issues.

It bothered me.

A vibration from my pocket cleared my mind and I reach for it at the same time Ben and Spiridon do. The somewhat private alert to us three didn’t go unnoticed.

My gut tightens as the screen is lit with an email from Guardian headquarters. Without hesitation I open it and read the short and precise message.

My gut twists.

“Shit.” Spiridon mutters.

It was clawing at me, starting in my stomach and then travelling through my limbs. The need to act, to do something but there was nothing I could do.

“What is it?” Victor asks.

I look up and try to dissect the centre of the whirlwind in my head.

“There’s been another raid.”

“Where?”

“Lahemaa.” Ben answers.

His disposition had altered and closed off, in what Tasha described as going from human to machine.  I wished I was only wire instead of blood, thoughts and emotions. It would make things a lot simplier.

“Girls, why don’t you take your dinner upstairs? I’m sure there are a few other things Rose needs that you haven’t thought of yet.”  Victor says, looking pointedly to Natalie and Lissa.

I give another once over to the short list in the email, my dinner curdling in my stomach.

“Sure.” Natalie agrees, standing up hastily. 

Vasilisa reaches for one of the pizza boxes. Rose clumsily gets to her feet and tries to take it from her. I inwardly cringe. Vasilisa gently shakes her head and murmurs to her, nodding toward the stairs.

Victor watches the girls until they’re out of sight.

“Details.” He says curtly, averting his eyes from the stairs. 

“The College.” Ben begins, assuming the bearer of bad news. “Four Guardians dead, two missing. Three Moroi dead, six missing. All children.  Five novices missing. Three Strigoi dead.”

A silence descends in which we all try to accept these facts or in my case, stomach them.

“How long ago?” Victor asks.

“Nearly an hour.” Spiridon says, his face completely clear of anything sardonic.

“Court will know soon, everyone will.” Victor murmurs. “Lehemma…that’s a spike westward.”

“It’s a bigger school.” I utter, words not willing to be pried off my tongue. “All those dead can only mean the offensive was too great.”

“It means.” Victor says, taking a deep breath. “They are working together.”

Spiridon is shaking his head and I’m not sure he’s aware of it.

“But what is giving them enough incentive? Strigoi aren’t communal creatures, they’re nature just simply doesn’t make it able. They turn on each other, the biggest nest ever discovered was of fourteen and that was astonishing, and even then they were spaced out. An attack of this size means…”

Nobody wants to say what it means.

It means they’ve evolved. They had worked in a bigger pack and they had… oh my god.

“There was more taken than dead.” I think aloud. “They’re building their number.”

And where better than to select recruits? They’d killed what Guardians couldn’t be overcome. They’d taken the Dhampir novices and instead of killing the Moroi, a preferred blood source, they’d opted to take them to.

 To awaken them.

“Did it specify if any of the Moroi children were royal?” Victor asks.

“No.” Ben answers.

“Well find out. “ Victor says.

Ben fingers move quick and soundlessly over his phone. Spiridon and I await our orders.

“Dimitri, take Lissa home. I need to talk to Keith, see if Alchemists have intel. Then I have to get in touch with the councils representatives. This can’t make a fracture, not now.”

Ben head snaps up. “Two were Royal.”

“Get me on the phone to the Guardian director of the area now.” Victor says, standing up.

“The Ozera’s.” Spiridon suddenly says, halting us all in our tracks.  His eyes dart between Victor and I. “They might know something about this. Lucas has been making the trips to Old Country. If it’s to do with Donovan he may know something.”

Victor considers this for two seconds. “I’ll see what I can find out from the GD and then I’ll talk to Lucas. Spiridon send a message ahead to alert them, the last thing we need is them to feign an early night and then call Keith.”

We all file toward the stairs.

I didn’t like being assigned the job of chauffer but putting my feelings aside I knew why I had been. I was guaranteed to keep my mouth shut if Vasilisa were to prod for details, and after tonight I wouldn’t put it past her. She had compassion and it drove her. That was obvious.  Not that the other two would completely forget themselves and inform them of details but personal attachments could be a minor risk and small allowances are still building blocks to the truth.

I hadn’t been here as long and it was less likely for them to ask me details and it was even less likely I’d tell them anything.

The others continue down the landing as I stop outside Rose’s door.

I knock lightly before stepping inside.

Jade, emerald and chocolate eyes all look up at me from the floor.  They were sitting cross legged with a book spread open in front of them, the world map marked out in colours across its pages. Rose was parked between the other two and it struck me how all three girls were similar in size. All of them slim and delicate but how it complimented two it hurt the other.

“I’m to take you home now Vasilisa.”

It was almost funny how all three of them frown in unison.

“Oh, okay.” Vasilisa says, uncurling her legs to stand.

Sitting down she had been concealing three other books.

“You’ve picked out some reading material then?” I say to Rose, unable to help it.

She looks startled at being addressed and then glances at the books. She nods but doesn’t lift her eyes, drawing her knees up to her chest.

What warranted that?

“We’re starting with non-fiction.” Natalie pipes up. “A world atlas and some biology. And an encyclopaedia on our world… it’s pretty old.”

“That’s because everyone uses the internet now.” I say.

Sad but true.

“See! We should just show her how to use my laptop.” Natalie directs at Lissa, pushing herself up off the floor.

Realizing she’d been left on the ground Rose scrambles up too, tucking the Atlas against her chest. My old shirt looked like a misshapen dress on her.

“I wasn’t condoning it.” I add, accidently cutting off Vasilisa’s reply. “Books are better.”

“I agree.” Vasilisa grins triumphantly.

“Whatever.” Natalie sighs.

“We will show you that later.” Vasilisa says to Rose and I felt a spark of gratitude that she was including her in the conversation, instead of talking about her like she wasn’t there.

“I like books.” Rose replies quietly, her brown eyes lifting to meet mine.

I wanted to smile at that but time was pressing on.

I hold her gaze for a beat longer and then look away.

“Vasilisa.” I urge gently, holding the door wider.

“Yes, sorry.” She says, shouldering her small handbag. “Natalie don’t forget to give Rose the other thing. I already asked Uncle Victor, just remind him.”

“I will.” The other girl sing songs.

Give her what?

Natalie follows us into the hall and Rose stands in the doorway.

“I’ll try to come over tomorrow.” Vasilisa says. She descends one step and then stops, looking back at Rose. “I’m very glad we’ve met. Goodnight Rose, bye Nat.”

“Glad to be getting rid of you.” Natalie grins.

“Goodnight.” Rose returns quietly.

We descend the stairs, behind us Natalie tells Rose she’s going to go up to her bedroom to unpack and would she like to see everything she’d brought back with her.

“I hope she doesn’t exhaust her.” Vasilisa says quietly as we cross the foyer.

I type in the code and hold open the door for her.

“She’s not as passive as she seems.” I murmur.

Lissa looks seemingly surprised I’d replied.

I lead the way to the car, opening the passenger door for her. When I start the engine she speaks.

“What did you mean?”

“She’s told Spiridon she doesn’t like him and served him what he deemed as ‘prison rations’.” I recall, concentrating on reversing and pulling out. “That and she’s punched me few times. Not intentionally I should add.”

Lissa laughs, a warm, affectionate laugh that made me want to talk about Rose more. But I wouldn’t.

“I thought I’d imagined it you know.” She says. “That…spark in her eyes.”

“No it’s there.” I reply as deadpan as I can manage. “It just needs tempered.”

The small smile that had remained on her lips slips away.

 The silence ticks by as I keep my eyes on the dark road. We’d passed the ward boundary half a mile back and every nerve in my body was alert.

Her voice carries quietly in the dark confines of the car. “How bad was this raid?”

I say nothing and glance at the GPS. It was an advanced version, thanks to Ben’s touch, that scanned the cars perimeter as well as being equipped to locate the households other cars.

“That bad?”

“It’s something you should discuss with your parents.”

Three more miles to go until the Dragomir’s ward boundaries.

“They won’t tell me how it really is.” She mutters, looking out at the dark shadows passing by the window.

If it weren’t for our heightened sight she would be seeing utter darkness and I would have wrapped the car around a tree by now.

I don’t comment on her reply. Who was I to comment on her family or her parent’s decisions? Rhea and Eric would no doubt no all the facts soon if not already, from Victor or from their Guardians, Eric’s seat on the council ensured he would be fully aware and that he would have to act.

“It’s only going to get worse isn’t it” She murmurs and out of the corner of my eye I see her turn to me. “Lehemma college, it’s one the biggest schools in Europe…how could it be raided? How did they get in?”

These questions had been tumbling around my mind, like rocks in a washing machine. Lehemma College was situated in a national park in Estonia, obviously protected by and surrounded by extensive ward boundaries. Any humans hiking or exploring the park would simply get the notion to turn back.

I’d been there before, escorted children from the airport.  In spite of Guardian numbers the college had more than satisfactory security. It’s large grounds were patrolled and protected. Places usually subjected to raids were smaller schools or communities, sometimes just homes. But a school of this size, of this importance… it was unnerving.

How did they get in?

“I deserve to know.” Vasilisa says, anger now flaring in her voice.

We pass the boundaries and the GPS screen turns blue instead of green.

The tension was building in the quiet. I didn’t want my silence to be misconstrued.

“I agree but isn’t my place to discuss this with you. Your parents should know as much as I do by now, if not more.”

We glide around a bend to the left and the ground begins to climb into a mild slope.

The top of the Dragomir’s grand house comes into view and the further up the hill we travel more of it becomes revealed. The windows and porch are lit up in white and gold against the navy sky and dark forest. The ground evens out as we approach the drive, changing from dirt to gravel.  The grit crunches under the tires as we pull to a stop.

The front door opens and one of the Dragomir’s Guardians steps out onto the porch.

Vasilisa undoes her seatbelt. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

She opens the door and hops down. She turns back instead of closing the door she leans in.

“I’m sorry I yelled at you.”

“No need to apologise. I was lying after all.”

She smiles graciously.

“Uncle Victor meant it didn’t he? When he said he was going to help Rose?”

That was a topic I wouldn’t withhold on, not now and not when it was apparent she genuinely cared about Rose’s wellbeing and as it stood, Rose needed as much support as she could get.

“Yes.”

He’d meant it but it didn’t mean she would be priority. It would be naïve to think otherwise.

Vasilisa’s green eyes pulsed, her gold curls brushing her shoulder.

“I want to help her too. If she needs anything don’t hesitate to ask me, please. I’ve given Rose my number and I’ve asked Uncle Victor if it’s okay for her to use one of Natalie’s old cells. I know there are things going on and you’re all busy but if I don’t make it over tomorrow could you see she gets it set up or remind Natalie, she can be… forgetful.”

“I’ll see to it.” I say after a moment.

“Lissa.” A woman calls.

Rhea has come out onto the porch, no doubt wondering what the holdup is. I realize how the delay would not be compounding well with tonight’s news, the family would be on edge.  

Vasilisa shoots me a small smile and shuts the door, hurrying toward her home. Rhea holds up her hand in thanks and pushes her daughter inside. The Guardian remains on the porch as I pull out of the drive.

When I return home Rose is in the kitchen preparing coffee. Wordlessly she pulls another mug out of the cupboard when I come in.

“Thank you.” I say and she replies by nodding at the counter.

It was a little awkward and I could only guess it was down our encounter earlier. I didn’t want it to be awkward, I wanted her to at least be comfortable around me, well as comfortable as she could be.

I had made it clear she could tell me things. I’d enforced it since I met her but I hadn’t specified that she could choose not to tell me things either. She was entitled to privacy and I don’t think she knew that. I think she was feeling guilty at having withheld when it was perfectly within her right. And now she was being cagey.

I couldn’t let that go on.

I resist the pull to go upstairs and dive into work.

“Did Natalie show you her new things?”

She picks up the coffee pot, the tendons in her hand too distinct.

“Yes.” She says quietly. “Some of them. They were pretty.”

“You’ll have new things tomorrow.”

She starts depositing sugar into the separate mugs.

“I have everything I need.” She utters so quietly that if I hadn’t seen her lips move I would believe I imagined it.

“No you don’t.”

She looks up, her dark eyes flashing. It takes me by surprise and something resembling adrenaline spikes within me.

But when she speaks her tone is mild.

“You have all been so generous to me. I have everything I could need.”

“You need new clothes.” I respond and plough on despite seeing that fierceness in her eyes was near being utilized verbally. That would be something. “You’re growing and you need more whether you believe it or not. Your life before, you said, didn’t allow for wanting. You can’t tell me there weren’t times you wished you had a fresh shirt or socks. You can want now, you can want pretty things. This is coming out fairly obnoxious – that means-”

“I know what it means.” She snaps, surprising me again.

“Right. Well what I meant is that I don’t want to sound like I understand what you have lived through or push you to accept things. The girls are used to having…well to having so they may do things in excess but the core of it is essential.”

 God, this was tricky. I wished my mother had answered the phone. I needed advice on how to navigate with Rose. Usually body language, facts, and some calculating added to enough to know how to communicate with others but she through me, as if the operation I’d been functioning under had started malfunctioning. This must be how Ben felt with his computer didn’t comply.

But why?

I was too close perhaps. My first thought when I saw her had been Viktoria. My thoughts when I saw her flinch were my mother.

There’s a silence in which she stares fixedly past my shoulder.

There are strands of gold in her hair.

“I’ll take two of these.” I say, picking up two mugs.

“It scares me.” She says suddenly and I end up looking over my shoulder, expecting to find a threat. I turn back and find her brown eyes wide and open.

Anxiety reciprocates in my own chest.

“What does?”

She swallows but doesn’t break eye contact.

“That I want. That I might…have. It scares me that I can go get food when I want it or change.” Her voice has dipped lower so I have to lean in. “I’m scared because…it might go away and I don’t think I could handle it.”

Her dark eyes are shining.

I set the mugs down with a thud, regretfully making her jump and maybe it wasn’t the most considerate move but I gently take her thin shoulders in my hands.

“That’s something that is never going to happen. Do you understand me?”

“But-“

“Rose, we look after you now. We care about you. Victor, Ben, even Spiridon. The two girls. That’s not going to change easily.”

I could see she didn’t believe me. I’m not sure I would either. I wasn’t great at emotionally connecting or offering empathetic advice. I could only stress the truth.

Maybe I should let her go. Christ, I was invading personal space.

“You haven’t known me that long.” She says.

I make myself release her and stand back.

“Natalie, Vasilisa. Did you like them?”

“Yes.”

“Would you care if they came to any harm?”

A dent forms between her eyebrows. “Yes.”

“You haven’t known them long.”

That was my brilliant counter argument. Well done Dimitri.

I wanted to tease this out and neutralize all her worries but duty was weighing down my head and the faint noises from above were straining my nerves.

It was a good thing I think that she was considering this.

“But it’s different.” She murmurs as I pick the mugs back up. “I’ve never had…known girls like them before. It means more to me.”

“And they have countless friends. It would be easy for them to ignore you and pretend you weren’t here but instead - Vasilisa fought for you, argued with her family. And Natalie is putting thought into making sure you have everything she herself would want. It’s okay to be scared Rose, it means you have something you value but know we value it too. We won’t let your new life be taken from you.”

She takes a deep breath through parted lips. The expression she’d worn earlier when she’d eaten pizza on her face again.

I didn’t know how to respond to that.

I wanted to stay here and talk but I couldn’t.

“Let’s take these up before they get cold.”

That snaps her back to her normal composure and I feel a stab of regret.

I lead the way upstairs, anxiety plucking at my ribcage and driving the need to act, to do something useful.

I’m vaguely aware I’m going too fast for Rose to comfortably keep up but it was far away concern, one I didn’t have the resources for right now.

On the landing music can be heard from Natalie’s suite on the floor above, along with her singing in unison with the singer.

I tap the door with my boot, not risking trying to balance to mugs in one hand.

Spiridon pulls the door open, his other hand holding a phone to his ear. He jerks his head toward the room. I pass him his drink as I walk inside.

Ben could be seen out on the deck and I could faintly hear him speaking German.

Victor’s at his desk and on the phone also. One finger is curled over his lip as he listens to whoever is on the other end. He’d looked up as I’d come in and nodded in greeting. I set his mug down on the available coaster.

Rose is standing the doorway. I cross back to her and take mine and Ben’s drink.

“We shouldn’t need anything else tonight. Thank you Rose.”

It felt slightly wrong to dismiss her like this but at this point I think it was the only way she’d understand that now would be her free time. At least I hope that’s what she understood.

She nods timidly and steps back as I close the door.

The glass door to the deck opens and Ben steps into the office. I pass him the drink.

“What’s going on?”

He exhales. “A council meeting is being set up. Every representative is on their way to court. It wasn’t easy but Victor managed to get Lucas to confess he’d known rumours that attacks like these were in the works. Schools, residents, communities, the big ones are all supposedly targets.”

St. Vladimir’s. It was the biggest in the US and if the attacks were to migrate westward then they’d be the third hit, theoretically.

“When’s the meeting?”

“Sunday.” Victor answers, putting the phone down.

“When do we leave?” I ask.

“Tomorrow.” He answers and then something crosses his face. “But the thing is Dimitri, I need you to stay here.”

He had to be joking.


	15. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE BEEN SO BUSY OMG. I’ll keep this short.
> 
> Thanks for being patient. Another update on Sunday (the end of this chapter, Rose and Dimitri alone time…there is touching), I get off this Friday for three weeks so more writing time and updates. 
> 
> I’m sorry this is a let down after the long wait, it can’t be helped and I’m embarrassed by it tbh. I didn’t want to leave you all waiting until Sunday though, that and it gives me anxiety. Things in the next chapters after this Sundays involve travel, bonding, a scope into St.Vlads and more about the circle. Then we get to Halloween.

The screen went white and a familiar red text glared at me.

 

“Natalie I’ve done it again.”

 

“Just hit the arrow at the top, like I showed you.”

 

I do, after a moment of trying to direct the little white arrow. The screen reverts back to Google. I supress a groan as I realize what I’d typed into the search bar has gone. Great, it would take another three minutes to type it out. That’s where Natalie had gotten exasperated with me. The keys on the laptop weren’t in alphabetical order, they didn’t seem to be in any kind of order and it took me minute to find the right letter. It had gotten to the point where Natalie had kept taking over but then voiced what had been needling me, that I wouldn’t learn if she kept doing it. So she resigned to throw herself down on my bed with her glossy book. No, _magazine,_ which told stories about well-known people, _celebrities,_ and it was something Natalie found fascinating.

 

I didn’t understand how she could be so excited about people she didn’t know and how she knew things about them when they knew nothing about her. That and they were all human.

 

“Think of it like when you read a history book.” She had explained. “You know about those people and their great accomplishments. These people are my kind of history.”

 

That sorta made sense.

 

I finally hit the last letter and double checking I’ve spelt everything right I hit search.

 

Dimitri had suggested, in a rare moment when he wasn’t brooding around the house like a dark cloud, that there be a button I hit that took me straight to the websites I needed but I wanted to learn. I wanted to know how to find the answer to any question I had with the only problem being whether the _child block_ would allow me to know it.

 

I was not a child.

 

“It’s only on because the internet can be really weird.” Natalie explained. “Like things can sound innocent to search but then some sicko has completely twisted it.”

 

“Like what?” I had asked.

 

“Like ‘white dragon’.”

 

Daringly when I had been alone I’d typed it in but what Google had answered was just pictures of large white lizards breathing fire.

 

The site, which I now did the grocery shopping on, lights the screen.  I grin triumphantly and feel the small surge of power course through me. I was entrusted with this, me, I had control. It was great.

 

“Remember more chocolate chips and the chocolate syrup.” Natalie says over my shoulder. I hadn’t felt her sit up but I’m glad I hadn’t flinched. I did that less frequently now because it was either become immune to Natalie being behind my door in the morning, popping out from behind corners, blasting her music or have heart failure.

 

“It was the first thing I was going to put in the basket.”

 

“You have your priorities in order.” Natalie says approvingly and flops back down.

 

Her perfume lingers over my shoulder, floral and sweet. She’d offered to buy me some, under the pretence it would be a necessity but I already had a lotion that smelled great. I didn’t need more.

 

I had far too much already, so much so that it makes me dizzy recalling the list of products decked out in my bathroom.  Natalie hadn’t let Dimitri’s choices slide and thirty minutes after the clothes had arrived another delivery came bearing so many bottles and potions that I thought they must have made a mistake.

 

It was hard to adjust to and to remember the things that Natalie said had to be ‘routine’ but I couldn’t help the small part of me that was…thrilled about it. That part that had always been dark and selfish. I had access to food all the time, I had more items of clothing than I knew the others would have between them and I had a body butter that smelled like white chocolate and raspberries.  I had things that smelled edible to slather on my body to make it smell enticing.

 

It was a terrible selfishness and I was indulging in it.

 

I tried not to think about the others. I tried not to think about my mother. I tried to think about the present and how I had to survive it. Also, this was not forever. Victor had told me that and somewhere in future I would be on my own so this selfishness had an expiry date.

I tried to argue with myself that it would be more selfish to withhold from the kindness and generosity. That it would be taking it for granted and it would be stupid. It wasn’t a completely stable argument.

 

I click on the chocolate chips and double the quantity. Two things I had learned over the past two weeks were 1. Lissa loved cookies, my cookies specifically she said and 2. Dimitri loved hot chocolate, which was apparently an odd choice of drink in August according to Natalie. But he drank coffee so I didn’t really see the difference except that hot chocolate tasted miles better.

 

It was also something that I could bring him when he was particularly broody looking, if that was the correct word to use. I’d look it up later.

 

He hated that he’d been left here while Victor and the other two Guardians had been at court, well that’s where they were as far as I knew. I felt a little bit guilty about it, that he had to stay here to look after us but I was learning more and more what he and the other two saw as their duties and it was vastly different to what I’d always known. Although Dimitri didn’t like being here I knew he didn’t resent it, he saw it as his duty to look after his charges but there was something in him that called to be more action orientated.

 

“He’s not angry.” Lissa told me quietly, her green eyes intent on where he sat in the living room as she helped me prep vegetables. “He’s restless. Pent up energy with no outlet.”

 

I had stopped chopping to peer at Lissa and then at Dimitri, trying to see what she did. All I could see was Dimitri’s left profile as he watched the TV until he felt our stares and looked around. I dropped my gaze as Lissa, without hesitation, asked if he would like rocket through his salad.

 

“How do you know that?” I asked, moving the veg to the colander to wash.

 

Lissa shrugged and looked up at me, smiling. “I’m intuitive. Besides, it all adds up. He’s a Guardian who has to watch the action from the side-lines and he seems like an intense sort of person, one who always wants to act. It makes sense that he’s agitated, no?”

 

And I had thought I had some sort of special gift that allowed me to gauge Dimitri’s mind set.

 

“That makes sense.” I said.

 

Lissa smiled. In that instant she looked glowy and I think I would have run the knife through my hand if she asked.

 

“Is Lissa coming over today?” I ask Natalie, clicking through various fruit and vegetables.

 

Natalie hums behind me. “I don’t know. If she does I hope she’s lost her mood from earlier. You know it’s really upsetting to have someone snap at you first thing in the morning, like it throws off your energy.”

 

“Maybe she was tired.”

 

“Then have a cup of coffee, don’t tell me my ‘fashion crisis was microscopic blip in grand scheme of her life’. Honestly who can be that dramatic in the morning? All I wanted to know was if she had my gold pumps.”

 

I frown and bite my lip.

 

Another thing I’d learned was that Lissa, despite being so lovely, thoughtful, kind and gentle, could swing the other way. I’d only ever witnessed her become withdrawn however, become quiet and utter singular words to conversation. It had only happened twice but Natalie’s words made me think about those times.

 

“Bloody teenagers.” Natalie mutters.

 

“Should I text her?”  

I felt self-conscience about asking, like I was overstepping or doing something that I didn’t have right to. Talking to a Moroi, having a friend.

 

The day after Natalie had come home she had bounced into the kitchen as I was making pancake batter under Dimitri’s watchful eye. His fingers had been tapping the counter, like counting the seconds Victor, Spiridon and Ben had left. She had presented me with a rectangular black object.

 

“My old phone.” She grinned. “Now you can join the real world.”

 

I still wasn’t a 100% sure how to work it and startled myself when the screen had become a mirror when I’d been playing with it on my bed.

 

I was slow at texting to but sometimes the phone would know what I was thinking and fix the words. Sometimes it changed it to utter jibberish. I preferred talking to the other person through it but that only happened when Lissa called me. Or when Natalie had called me from upstairs to ask what was for dinner.

 

“Sure.” Natalie says, flinging her magazine from the bed to the floor. “Remind her she has to help me choose a party outfit and if she mentions the grand scheme of her life again tell her I’m applying to Jerry Springer.”

 

It would take me three solid hours to type that out. Maybe two if the phone wanted to help.

 

Who the hell was Jerry?

 

I type out ‘are you coming over’ and send it. Natalie had told me I could use ‘text speak’ which meant using a single letter to present a word but that seemed lazy to me. My mother hadn’t risked teaching me to spell for me to abuse it.

 

No reply comes in the time it takes me to complete the grocery shopping.

 

“Do you think she’s okay?” I ask, turning to find Natalie scrolling through her phone.

 

“Lissa? Yeah she’ll be fine. Probably hasn’t seen it yet.” But the girls always had their phones close to hand, just like the Guardian’s, although the reasons were very different.  “She could be with Aaron. Maybe he makes my gold pumps seem like a dismal subject.”

 

She really was offended on behalf of these shoes.

 

“What’s Aaron like?” I say, shutting off the computer and shimming around to face her.

 

“Cute, Royal, blue eyes, blond, popular.” Natalie rhymes off not looking up from her phone. It was a slimmer version of the old one she’d given me. I almost wanted to snatch it from her.

 

“That doesn’t really tell me anything. Actually, you could have described Andre.” I say.

 

Natalie does look up, a peculiar look pinching her face.

 

My heart sinks.

 

My tone had been out of line.

 

“You know your right?” Natalie says and then laughs. “I love when you say things like that. Except Andre is not cute.”

 

Feeling reassured I was still on level footing with her I relax.

 

“He kind of is though. I mean, he’s pretty looking.”  I say, trying to connect things I’d heard the girls say and correlate with their meanings.

 

Natalie scrunches up her nose which makes me laugh.

 

“Well, he’s not bad looking but he’s not attractive. WAIT! Do you think Andre is attractive?”

 

I’d reeled back at her shout but thankfully the rest of her sentence hadn’t been lost to me.

 

“No! I just meant that Lissa’s pretty and her families pretty so he’s pretty, for a boy, like boy pretty.”

 

Luckily Natalie is nodding a long with my garbled response. “Just never, ever, let him hear you say that. You’ll never hear the end of it and he really doesn’t need a bigger head.”

 

“What’s wrong with his head?”

 

“It’s an expression. Basically if you give someone like Andre a compliment it gets stuffed inside his head and stays there. The more compliments the bigger his head gets, it’s a wonder it hasn’t exploded. Anyway, I’m hungry. Lunch time.”

 

She rolls off the bed and I follow her, trying to recall if Andre’s head was particularly big.

 

“What would you like?”

 

“Soup I think. Is there some left?”

 

My heart swells. Yesterday I’d made a simple pot of Vegetable soup with chicken stock we had left over. Dimitri and Natalie had said they’d liked it but hearing Natalie prefer it over something else made me proud.   
  
“Yeah.”

 

“Cool.”

I follow her down stairs marvelling at how someone could skip while descending stairs in heels. She looks almost graceful except on the last stair when she trips. My heart clenches and I grab for her before she topples forward. The marble floor wouldn’t make a soft landing. 

 

“Woah!” Natalie says, looking to where Dimitri stood on the edge of the living room. He had been sitting on the couch but had moved like lightening to volt over it as soon as Natalie slipped. It was impressive but he wouldn’t have been fast enough. Natalie looks over her shoulder at me. “Nice save. If I’d busted my face it would have totally ruined the old glamour look I’m planning.”

 

She moves out of my grasp making me realize I hadn’t released my hold. I uncurl my other hand from the bannister, blood pulsing in my fingertips.

 

I find Dimitri’s eyes.

 

“You were three steps behind.” He says like a question.

 

I shrug. “Lucky.”

 

I tail Natalie to the kitchen where she’s eating cheesy crackers from a box at the breakfast bar.

 

“These are so addictive.” She says, her cheeks bloated.

 

Warmth caresses my bear arms.

 

“Do you still want soup?” I ask her, ignoring the tingling. She nods and I turn to Dimitri standing behind me in the entry. “What about you?”

 

He nods. There’s still something ticking behind his eyes, wondering. I turn away and fetch the soup from the fridge and the French rolls. I pop the rolls in the oven to warm and ladle the soup into bowl for the microwave.  The control courses through me and seeps into my brittle bones, I relax.

 

I set out their cutlery, butter and the pepper. Neither of them liked adding more salt.

 

Natalie crams her hand into the box before proffering it to me and then Dimitri. My fingers twitch as I reach inside it.

 

I murmur a thank you but I don’t think she hears me, partially because she’s crunching on the savoury goodies and reading the box, and partially because my voice was lighter than a breeze. I hated that I did that, lost the volume and looked like someone who needed subtitles. 

 

Natalie hated subtitles. She said it was the only bad thing about her father calling her from court, he always rang during the best part of the show.

 

“So what’s your next experiment then chef?” She asks.

 

I grin as I take the bowls from the microwave.

 

“I was thinking maybe Carbonara for dinner.” I murmur, recalling one of the recipes I’d seen in the cook book last night.

 

“Chicken or bacon?” Natalie asks, biting her grinning lip.

 

“What would you prefer?” I ask, setting the bowls down in front of them.

 

I make a point of looking at Dimitri, hoping maybe he’d contribute.

 

“Both.” Natalie decides, pulling her bowl to her.

 

“What are you having?” Dimitri asks so suddenly that Natalie’s spoon pauses mid-air.

 

“A sandwich.” I retort, turning away. It annoyed me that he did that. It annoyed me he was always watching but it annoyed me more that I looked to make sure he was. I didn’t get it.

 

I take the rolls out of the oven, the tops all golden and crusty. The smell of warm bread floats around the room. I deposit the rolls onto a plate in front of them and fetch turkey, cheese and tomatoes from the fridge.

 

We eat in a comfortable silence and I marvel again at how much Natalie could eat despite her lithe figure. On top of finishing the box of crackers she ate four bread rolls, two she made sandwiches out of like I did, and a candy bar for ‘early dessert’.

 

She holds one out to me and like always the guilt, unworthiness and delight seep through my veins, almost keeping my arm pinned to my side. I take it and thank her.

 

Dimitri declines dessert and asserts himself into my role by loading the dishwasher but it was hard to be annoyed as chocolate and peanut butter glazes my tongue. When I come out of my daze I realise Natalie has left and Dimitri is watching me. My cheeks flood with heat and my mouth is too slick with chocolate, making me crave water.

 

I looked like an idiot. I looked greedy. He must think –

 

“It’s so refreshing to see the pleasure on your face.” He says quietly, his lips quirking into a small and rare smile. “True appreciation, joy. I haven’t seen it in a while.”

 

I swallow thickly.

 

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to make you self-conscience.”

 

“It’s just a candy bar.” I murmur, trying to believe in the ‘just’.

 

“I believe eating a candy bar should be one of life’s little joys, always.” He tells me in his quiet and inflected voice, the voice that always seemed to have a lot more going on beneath it.

 

He pushes away from the counter signalling our little conversation was closing.

 

Something jumps in my chest, like a nervous bird.

 

“But you didn’t have one.” I say.

 

“I’m going to go for a run and then I will, and it will be one of the best things I have ever tasted.”

 

I follow him out of the entry.

 

“You went running yesterday.”

 

He’d been gone for an hour and a half and come back in that tight, black material looking like he’d just come out of the shower.  The sensation of my stomach falling out of place had been an odd reaction.

 

“I’m aware.”

 

My cheeks heat again but this time it is not a weakness .

 

“Does running help your anger?” I ask. My voice is tinged with demand.

 

I had no right to demand. To question why he’d been more withdrawn these two weeks, more like the Guardians I was used too. Silent, watchful…contained anger. It was in the way he sighed at his phone, drummed his fingertips on his knee, put his mug down a little too forcefully. The tells were there and I had noticed them.

 

He stops on the stairs to look back down at me.

 

“What anger?”

 

The voice in my head was telling me to be quiet.

 

I straighten my shoulders and stare back at him.

 

“Because you’re here. Because they left you behind.”

 

“They did not leave me behind.”

 

The brave part of me starts choking on itself. “You know what I mean.”

 

He turns to me fully and I feel myself shrinking. It has nothing to do with him being further up the stairs.

 

“Are you concerned Rose? Am I making you uncomfortable?”

 

“No.”

 

“Is there a problem with how I’m governing the house in Victors leave?”

 

“No, I meant –“

 

“Then I would like this conversation to be over. We both have things to do.”

He turns and in a blink of an eye his bedroom door is closing with an amicable and awful thud.

 

I stand there stupidly for a moment. The urge to race up the stairs and bang on his door almost becomes a reality but he was right. I did have other things to be doing. Dimitri had his own from of training to keep his place and I had mine.

 

I stomp to the utility room and grab the vacuum cleaner.  I wheel it out into the hall and yank out the cord.

 

I’d stepped out of line, spoken when I had no right to, no ground to and no credibility to. I didn’t have to worry about Dimitri’s retaliation or anybody else’s but I was still stuck with my own. This stupid hot feeling that was an undercoat beneath my skin and made me wish even more that I could escape my body or learn to be what my mother always wanted me to be, quiet.

 

He was up there now thinking about what an idiot I was. Stupid little girl with a big mouth. Ungrateful and spoiled.

 

 I hadn’t meant to make him more irritated. I had wanted to have a… understanding with him or to show him the same empathy he had with me. I knew he was like a caged animal here and I wanted to him to know I, and Natalie I’m, appreciated it. That we knew we were safe here and I was sorry that it was causing him strain.

 

No, I had come across as little brat needling him and -

 

“What did the vacuum cleaner do to you? And remind me to never do it.”

 

Lost in my own head I’d been manhandling the machine a little too roughly. The whirlwind quietens down so I regain some sense. Natalie is leaning over the bannister grinning down at me.

 

“If you don’t want to do it then don’t. I won’t tell anyone.”

 

“No, no. I want to.”

 

She props her chin onto her hand still grinning. “Doesn’t look like it.”

 

I had to earn my keep. This was my job.  I look around but I can’t avoid her grin and then I can’t stop looking at her for different reasons.

 

“Did you change?”

 

It’s obvious she had. Her tight blue jeans and the pink and white polka dotted blouse had been replaced by a dress. A dress of glittering, pale gold that looked like sundrops had been sown into it. There was a sliver of it missing around her chest but it didn’t look bold, it actually served to show how pretty her pale skin was and maybe that was a hidden boldness because I couldn’t stop seeing it. Around her slim hips the dress then began to taper down softly into a floaty mesh layered skirt.

 

Natalie skips down the stairs (Today’s incident having taught her nothing then) and twirls when she hits the marble floor.

 

“What do you think?”

 

I was feeling a lot of things right now, things I didn’t understand but I knew what I was thinking at least.

 

“You look like dream.”

 

Her smile brightens. Natalie had many different smiles in her arsenal I’d learned over the past few weeks.  This one was proud and something inside me glows at knowing my response had meant something to her.

 

“It’s Valentino.” She gushes, twisting side to side so the dress floats out around her. “I knew it was thee dress as soon as I saw it. This dress is going to help remind everybody who’s in charge this year. It’s my dress, it’s my party, it’s my senior year and nobody is going to mess with that.”

 

I didn’t know what a dress had to do with school. As far as I knew they wore uniforms.

 

The sound of the door opening and the rapid footfalls of Dimitri save me having to answer.

 

Natalie turns to him expectantly, holding the skirt of her dress out. I look down at the black yoga pants and oversized thin sweater that had arrived as part of Natalie’s mission to fill the closet in my room. They were comfortable and I loved them but they weren’t woven with sunlight.

 

Dimitri glances between us both before averting his gaze to the ground as he uses the newel to balance as he stretches.

 

“New dress?”

 

“Uh huh.” Natalie grins.

 

“It’s lovely.”

 

“Thank you.” She says in a way that sounds the same as ‘I know’.  “I’m going to wear it to my party. I just need to alter it the tiniest bit –“

 

“Your party?”

 

“Yes, on Saturday. The caterers coming with the samples tomorrow, didn’t daddy remind you?”

 

Dimitri straightens up and his face holds a shadow of discomfort.

 

“I thought you knew. You’re party’s been cancelled.”

 

Natalie stops swishing her dress from side to side. “Pardon?”

 

“With everything going on and your father being at court it’s not ideal to have so many of your classmates here. I thought he discussed it with you.”

 

Red was spreading up Natalie’s neck and staining her cheeks. I kind of wanted to go hide in the utility room.

 

“Come again?” She says quietly. It’s scary how her lips hadn’t even moved and she was staring at Dimitri in a way that made me conscious not to make any sudden movements.

 

“The party isn’t happening, I’m sorry Natalie.”

 

“I don’t quite understand what you’re saying.”

 

Dimitri sighs. “You should speak to your fath-”

 

Natalie holds up her hand in a sharp motion. “I don’t quite understand. I have been organising this since May. I have had the guest list locked since June. I have the colour scheme and arrangements co-ordinated with the decorator. I have a caterer coming with two chocolate fountains, a fondue station and a mocktail bar. I have a DJ. So I don’t _quite_ understand what you are talking about.”

 

Dimitri looks unfazed. I on the other hand was cringing at the strain in Natalie’s voice, a rope pulled too tight and fraying down to a tendril.

 

“Your party is cancelled.” He says flatly.

 

Natalie blinks and begins to shake her head. “No, no. You’re mistaken. You have to be mistaken. There’s no possible way,” To my surprise she pulls her cellphone from inside the slit of the dress. Is that why she had the gap, to improvise pockets? “He wouldn’t…he would have told me. No possible way.”

 

“Would you like some water?” I ask.

 

Dimitri’s watch lights up blue taking my attention off Natalie.

 

He looks down at his wrist. “Are you expecting Lissa?”

 

Natalie puts her phone to her ear and the other one to her forehead, still muttering under her breath. I steer her toward the couch as a silver car pulls into the driveway. Natalie sits down as Lissa’s blonde head pops out from the back of the car. Her Guardian gets out of the front and they head toward the house. Dimitri is standing on the threshold.

 

I sit down beside Natalie and rub her back. It seemed important to do that.

 

“Good evening Vasilisa.” I hear him murmur.

 

“Dimitri.” She greets brightly.

 

She had hair up in a high ponytail today, leaving her pretty face and big green eyes open for the world’s admiration. She smiles at us as she comes into the living area and I can’t imagine her having snapped at Natalie this morning.

 

Her smile falters as she takes us both in. “Whaaat’s going on?”

 

Natalie doesn’t answer but furiously taps her phone before putting it to her ear again. Lissa sits down on the coffee table and crosses her legs. She raises an eyebrow at me. I glance at Natalie to see if she’s going to offer up an explanation but her jaws locked. She punches redial again.

 

“There’s been um, a problem with er, Natalie’s party.” I say quietly.

 

Lissa frowns. “The party? Surely it’s not going ahead.”

 

Natalie’s hand drops away from her ear and she stares at her. Lissa takes this as incentive to continue. I start rubbing Natalie’s back again, soothing circles, like my mother used to do for me when I was small.

 

“I mean, what with everything happening and um, Rose being here now.”

 

I stop rubbing her back and stare at Lissa too.

 

“Did you know?” Natalie demands.

 

“I just assumed-”

 

“Well don’t.” Natalie snaps. “With everything going on everyone needs this to take their minds off it and daddy hasn’t said anything to me. He would have discussed it with me.”

 

She starts tapping furiously on her phone screen.

 

“Girls I’m going for a run. Neil will stay with you.”  Dmitri calls from the hallway where he’d been talking in low voices with the other Guardian.

 

“Enjoy.” Lissa calls.

 

Dimitri nods at her and spares me a glance before disappearing into the kitchen.

 

Natalie swears under breath making me start, it was weird hearing someone so sweet cuss.

 

“I don’t want to – I don’t want to be part of the problem.”  I tell Natalie quietly, in between her furious typing and putting her phone to her ear.

 

“Oh you’re not a problem.” Lissa says. “The circumstances are just different.”

 

“It’s not a circumstantial problem.” Natalie growls.

 

I slide a little bit away from her.

 

“I brought your shoes back.” Lissa says, holding up a carrier bag. “Sorry about this morning. I had a fight with my mom.”

 

“Again?” Natalie manages to reply.

 

The Guardian, Neil, was a living statue at the front door. It was strange seeing him so immobile when I’d become so used to the other three men. It was like being thrown back into the Ozers diningroom.  A shiver runs down my spine.

 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Lissa says.

 

Natalie doesn’t look up from her screen. “You can be so mardy sometimes Liss. They  know you don’t mean it though. Everyone bickers with their rents – DADDY!”

 

She spring up from the couch, away from Lissa’s vexed face, as Victor’s voice carries through the phone. Natalie walks away as she starts rapidly telling him the event of the past hour and what each individual has ‘said’.

 

Lissa looks lost in thought.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

She looks up. “Me? Fine.”

 

I trace a pattern on my knee. “It’s not a nice feeling arguing with your parent.”

 

“No, it’s not.” She sighs. “But Natalie is right. I have been…I can be difficult.”

 

I cock my head, studying her troubled face.  “What makes you difficult?”

 

She licks her bottom lip. “Normal things, teenage things yano? I mean like being moody and waking up early…maybe I need to feed a little more. Sorry, I know you don’t like it.”

 

I hadn’t meant to recoil at the mention of the feedings. I was actually adjusting to the idea of them, the ‘civil’ idea, and had even brought Alice some sweet tea on her last visit before a car came to pick her up. Feedings weren’t the focus here and I clear my head of Alice.  Lissa was important, she was troubled and her reasons sounded more like an attempt to convince herself.

 

“I have to count to three. When I don’t sleep well and Natalie’s always so…happy. I have to count to three before I speak.”

 

Lissa’s perked up at my garbled string of words that weren’t really conveying my thoughts.

 

“You have to count to three?”

 

I press my lips together but that doesn’t stop it. “So I don’t tell her to shut up.”

 

Lissa’s lips crack into a smile. “She wouldn’t take offence if you did.”

 

I take a restorative breath and pull at the hem of my sweater. It was a dark grey and had loopy, white writing on the chest that read ‘Not Sorry’.  I don’t really know what I was stating I wasn’t sorry for but after I’d felt how soft it was I stopped caring whether it was disobedient or not. That and Natalie had chosen it so it had to be okay.  And it hid me.

 

I look up and Lissa’s smile has faded.

 

“I don’t know what happens sometimes.” She says quietly. “I lose control and I’m just speaking, saying things without having thought about them. Nasty things sometimes. Things I can’t take back. Other times I feel like I’m full of the dark, of all those things you were scared of when you were little, all the things that could hide in there. Sometimes I’m full of that.”

 

The anxiety in her voice propels me to take her hand and I’m the one saying things without thinking.

 

“But you’re full of so much light too. I see it all the time. Just remember that when the dark comes.”

 

“What if it’s not enough?” She asks.

 

“It is. I’ll remind you.”

 

Her bright eyes search my face and I somehow feel exposed and strong at the same time. I’d spoken like what I had to say mattered and Lissa had listened like it had.

 

She squeezes my fingers.

 

Something behind her head catches my eye. Lissa turns around, dropping my hand.

 

“It doesn’t look like it’s going well.” She says as Natalie starts stamping the ground out in the garden, the phone still pressed to her ear.

 

“I hope she doesn’t get her dress dirty.”

 

Lissa looks back at me and we giggle, all dark things turning to shadows before disappearing as she become bright again.

 

“She coming.” I say.

 

Sure enough Natalie comes barrelling into the hall and toward us. Neil’s eyes follow her.

 

“We need to move it your house.” Natalie says breathlessly.

 

“Move what?” Lissa says, moving from the table to couch.

 

“The party. Daddy says Eric will be home Saturday morning and he can arrange three more Guardians from school to come and chaperon.”

 

“But then my parents and the Guardians could just come here and chaperon - ” Natalie’s head cocks sharply to the right, like she had a nervous twitch. “Oh but, um, I suppose it could double as Andre’s leaving party I suppose.”

 

“Okay!” Natalie’s lips bursts into a smile. “Can you ring them? Now. And ask.”

 

Lissa shuffles her legs. “I haven’t exactly apologised yet…it would be better to get Andre on board. Otherwise it will look like I’m apologising because I want something.”

 

“Yeah! My happiness.” Natalie says and then huffs, tapping furiously on her phone again. “What were you fighting about anyway?”

 

“Doesn’t matter.” Lissa shrugs.

 

“So you’re going to apologise right?”

 

Lissa exhales and nods.

 

“Okay, good. Can you do it now? Please. It’s just if Rhea’s happy that her unruly daughter has come to her senses then she’d more than likely to say yes.”

 

“She wouldn’t say no to Andre anyway.”

 

“But she _could_.” Natalie’s phone beeps and scans the message before scowling. “Your brother is so annoying.”

 

“What’s he saying?”

 

“That he’ll only hang with us ‘kids’ if promise to provide champagne.”

 

“Please ask Camille to steer clear of my brother. It’s … weird.”

 

“I’ll try.” Natalie sing-songs and looks up from her phone.  “Vasilisa. Ring Rhea. Now please.”

 

Lissa rolls her eyes and bumps Natalie’s shoulder as she stands. She walks off to the kitchen with her own phone to her ear. Natalie takes her vacated seat and turns to me.

 

“You’re okay with not coming to the party right?” She asks in a mild voice.

 

“Me?”

 

“Yeah because….well there will a lot of people there and you’re not good around people. Yet. A lot of people. It might just be overwhelming and to be honest some people that are going can be a bit bitchy and I wouldn’t want to have catfight before schools even started.”

 

I really didn’t understand why she sounded so nervous. It was making me nervous.

 

“That’s okay. I’m glad your parties happening and your happy.” I venture.

 

She looks relieved and startles me by pulling me into a hug. Cautiously I put my hands on her back.

 

“How are things at court?” I ask when she pulls away.

 

“Huh? Oh, fine I think. Daddy sounded less stressed. They should be back on Sunday, even better reason to have the party at Lissa’s. He won’t be coming home to the smell of bleach or asking me why someone’s’ undergarments’ are hanging from the tree in the garden.”

 

“Why were someones –“

 

“Sorted. I am an angelic daughter once more.” Lissa announces, leaning over the back of the other couch.

 

Natalie claps her hands together. “Perfect. Okay we’re going to assume Andre has got the proposal handled –“

 

“Which he will. They’ll give him anything now he’s going away to college.”

 

“So we just have to let everybody else know.”

 

A silence descends and then Natalie leaps up.

 

“So much to do!  I’m going to have to order more food if Andre’s going to invite more of his friends.”

 

“I guess we should start calling people.” Lissa says.

 

The both nod and Lissa retrieves her handbag from the floor.  They both pause to look at me and then between each other and back at me. I felt like a spare part they didn’t know what to do with.

 

“I’ll get back to work.” I say standing up and trying to smile.

 

“You could come and um, help us?” Lissa says.

 

“I have things to do and it sounds like you have a lot to do as well.”

 

“And time is ticking.” Natalie chimes, taking Lissa’s hand and pulling her toward the stairs. “Rose, come upstairs in a little while!”

 

“I will.”

 

I watch them run up the stairs and the shadows from early start creeping onto my shoulders.  I go back to the abandoned vacuum and get to work.

 

/

 

I wipe the sweat from my brow and start climbing down the ladders. I step back to admire how clear the glass wall looked, so clear it was like it wasn’t there and I could almost feel the breeze ruffling the roses.

 

I hold up the ladders and put them and the other products back in the utility room before going in search of more water.  I absentmindedly fix myself a sandwich as I skim over the recipe for the spaghetti carbonara. It seemed straight forward enough.  On the next page is a recipe for a devils fudge cake which puts Natalie’s chocolate bar in my mind. I rifle through the cupboard until I find the box and the only candy bar left. I put the box in the bin and tear open the wrapper, the faint and enticing smell of chocolate drawing me in like magnet. I sit at the breakfast bar happily munching as I flick through the book.

 

I was going to have to start prepping the ingredients if it was going to be ready for dinner. I hoped no one would be secretly disappointed it would be bacon and not pancetta. I was also pretty confident we had the correct cheeses too. Victor had so many different cheeses that they took up three shelves on the inside of the fridge door.

 

I finish the candy bar and take a long drink of water when the backdoor beeps open. Dimitri comes in, sheen of sweat covering his tan skin and trickling over his brow. He nods by way of greeting and crosses to the sink to splash water over his face.  The contours of his back shift and ripple under the black material. It was darker between his shoulder blades, right down the middle really, all the way down to –

 

He turns around and I choke on a peanut.

“Are you alright?”

I nod and reach for my water.  He doesn’t question me any further and goes to fridge to retrieve his own. I pop the last piece of candy into my mouth and chew. The kitchen fills up with an awkward silence and I wonder if he’s still annoyed with me.

“Did you have a good run?”

“I beat my best time.” He replies flatly.  I would take it as a positive answer, despite his tone.

“Well done.”

He drains the whole bottle in two more gulps, the bump in his throat bobbing up and down. I drop my eyes back to the book as the silence bears down. I start committing the measurements and ingredients to memory as I hear him move around the kitchen.  Why didn’t he just leave to shower? He usually did and I found myself thinking too much about it.

I peek up and see he’s gathered some snacks together. A banana, some trail mix and now he was scanning the shelves for something that he obviously couldn’t find. I look down at my empty candy wrapper as he closes the cupboard doors.

The wrapper crinkles in my fist.

Dimitri’s walking by the counter when I confess. “I ate the last one. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.” He replies simply, dropping the banana skin into the trash.

I swallow and wait for some other reaction from him. Something to make the weight balanced on my ribcage crush down or disappear in an exhale.

“But I know you wanted it and I didn’t think. I didn’t even think about it being the last one and –“

“Rose, I said its okay. It was as much yours as anyone’s.”

No, no it wasn’t. 

I wipe my itchy palms on my thighs. I had deprived someone of something for my own greed. It wasn’t okay. _It wasn’t wasn’t wasn’t wasn’t-_

“I’ll let you in on a secret.” He says, snapping me back into the room.

I watch him cross the room back toward the door and crouch down to put his hand in the gap between the wall and the dishwasher.  He pulls out a rectangular tupperware container and I feel my eyebrows shoot up.  He carries it over to the counter.

“You can’t tell the others about this okay?” He says putting it down between us. The heat from his body presses up against me, much hotter than usual which I guess was due to the exercise. He smelled like sweat and zest.

I lean forward with anticipation and he pulls the lid off to reveal…

“Is that chocolate?”

The container was full of various different candy bars, some ridiculous sizes like actual blocks and they were coloured and named things I hadn’t seen before. Dimitri hums and leans down on his forearms, putting us on the same level.

“British chocolate. The best.”

A memory clicks in my head. “Ben said you hid things, like a squirrel. Do you have other boxes?”

He looks up from under his lashes.  “A few.”

He picks up one of the shiny purple ones and holds it out to me.

“I just had one.” I say, the guilt swelling in my stomach.

“So keep it for later.”

 I take it from him and try to smile. He must not be angry anymore.  He takes a matching bar out before putting the lid back on and returning the box to its hiding place.

“Our secret?” He asks, pointing the candy bar at me.

I didn’t need to try and smile now. “Our secret.”

I trace my fingertip over the ‘dairymilk’ bar.

“Where are the rest stashed?” I ask.

He stops in the entry and looks back. “Now, I can’t give away all my secrets can I?”

He walks out leaving me grinning with the rich purple bar in my hand.

/

Spaghetti Carbonara was pretty straightforward to make but the whisking made my arms ache.  It made me think about Dimitri’s arms and more to the point his muscle. I would have to do a lot of whisking to get to his standard. Then I started thinking about his promise to train me and show me how defend myself.

 I had put on weight over the last couple of weeks. I noticed at first when I lay down in bed and my skin didn’t melt as deep into my bones.  Everything still poked out but not as much. I also felt a lot better, which was strange as I hadn’t known I could feel better or that I had been living in a constant shade of what this goodness felt like. I had more energy and my limbs didn’t feel like they were made of stone. It was like being fully awake now and it scared me to think I hadn’t been before.  In the small hours of the morning/night it danced around my head just how much I owed my mother. How she’d kept me safe, exhausting herself and depriving herself, sacrificing, all for me. And there was no one to do that for her now, what I would have done now I was old enough. I liked to entertain the dream of going back for her. Taking down all those Guardians, hurting everyone who’d ever hurt her and then we’d get away.  I’d fall asleep on a damp pillow with my head swimming in the past and aching dreams.

“You are such a good cook.”

Lissa’s voice brings me back into the present. We were all sitting around the dining table and after Natalie’s rundown of the new party plan, this Saturday which was two days away, everyone had been eating in comfortable silence.  Except for Neil who had quietly declined my offer and said he was going to walk the perimeter instead.  His loss.

“Thank you.” I murmur.

“Cafeteria food is going to be crap after this.” Natalie pipes up and reaches for the garlic bread. Dimitri slides it closer to her. “I’m going to need care packages, packed lunches, everything.”

My fork pauses on its journey to my mouth. “How am I going to do that?”

“She’s joking.” Dimitri says quietly.

“I am not.”

Lissa giggles and shakes her head at me, putting me at ease.

“Is there still ice-cream left?”

“Yes.”

“Concentrate on the course you’re on.” Lissa says bemusedly.

“We should totally try baking something. Make a pie. Oooooh like the chocolate silk pie.”

“That’s for Thanksgiving.”

“Hey.” Natalie says and points her fork at Lissa. “Chocolate pie is not confined to a holiday. It is a human right.”

“What’s Thanksgiving?” I ask.

They do that thing where their current emotions fall off their face and stare at me when I ask a question, although they were getting better with recovering. It only takes Lissa a beat more than normal to answer.

“It’s in November, every year.  We cook a big dinner of specific foods, turkey, mash potatoes, carrot and suede mash etc and we eat and talk about what we’re thankful for.”

“It’s my favourite holiday.” Natalie says.

“I wonder why.”

Natalie rolls her eyes. “It’s my favourite because it’s exclusively American, we’re with family and yes, we get eat LOADS. Three different types of pie on one plate is amazing.”

I consider this and turn to Dimitri. “But you’re Russian.”

Dimitri raises an eyebrow. “Yes.”

“Well if it’s only for Americans what do you do?”

He actually looks close to being amused. Natalie’s giggle draws me away from his face.  Her nose wrinkled when she laughed, it was cute.

“What?” I say, resisting the urge to cross my arms.

“You don’t have to be American, it’s not a rule.” Lissa explains smiling. “It’s just a tradition in America.”

“I haven’t been here for a Thanksgiving yet. This year will be my first.” Dimitri says.

“Daddy makes the best stuffing.” Natalie testifies, a dumbstruck expression taking a hold of her face.

“And my mom makes the best velvet potatoes.” Lissa gushes.

“Sounds nice.” I say.

The icky cold feeling was back, cool jealousy not bubbling or itchy, it threatened to shift into sadness which was ridiculous. Feelings were ridiculous.

“It is.” Natalie grins. “You’ll see for yourself. OH! AND! We play games and believe me it gets brutal.”

“Oh?” Dimitri asks, a small tug on his lips.

“Oh yeah.” Lissa says, looking embarrassed to admit it.

“Last year daddy threw his pen at Andre when we were playing Pictionary.”

“That’s a pretty tame example Nat. What about when you threw the whole drawing board at Spiridon?”

Natalie presses her lips together and manages to look sheepish before turning to me and Dimitri. “We’re not allowed to be on the same team anymore.”

“I’m surprised you still play it.” Dimitri says.

“Daddy and Eric have played it every Thanksgiving for twenty years.” Natalie explains. “We can’t really get out of it.”

Lissa twirls her finger at me and Dmitri across the table. “And soon you won’t be able to either. Welcome to the family.”

/

Lissa helps me load the dishwasher, despite my protests, and Natalie sits on the counter eating her second bowl of ice-cream and asking Lissa questions about her party, and by Lissa’s tone they’re questions she’s answered more than once before.

“And you’re sure that you’re fine with it still being _my_ party?”

“Of course.” Lissa says, sounding like Rachel Green when she says ‘uh duh’. “I’m only providing the venue… well…my parents are.”

“Andre better understand that too.” Natalie says, sitting up straight and smiling proudly down at her bowl.

“Well, you might have to share. We’re selling it to my mom as part leaving party, part going back to school.”

Natalie wrinkles her nose.

“C’mon he is leaving. And it will totally be distinguishable. People at St. Vlads know this your party, the Queen Bee of senior year who has older college guys there. The girls will grateful, the boys will bond and feel the need to step up and be alphas or something.” Lissa’s point hangs in the air and then she shrugs. “You have a chocolate fountain. The people will know who to thank for it.”

“Not just one but three.” She says, holding up her fingers for emphasis.

“Maybe you should just wear a crown?”

“I could.”

“A chocolate fountain sounds messy.” I say quietly. “And wonderful.”

“It can get messy.” Natalie grins and I ignore how Lissa’s looking at me. “Especially if Mason has anything to do with it but apart from that we just skewer fruit and marshmallows and stick them in it.”

“I have one, a small one. I’ll bring it over for a sleepover sometime.” Lissa says casually, handing me the washing tablet. I pop it in and shut the machine.

“We could do that the Friday before school starts.” Natalie agrees.

Dimitri comes in then, his phone pressed to his ear and his face pinched in concentration. He sets his empty mug down on the counter and goes about making a fresh one. The girls are walking out of the kitchen and I trail behind them, pausing when I hear him speak.

“They can’t be disillusioned into thinking holing up at court is the solution….yes…It has excellent security but so does most of the schools….but the facilities…”

He pins his phone between his shoulder and ear as he pours and adds a little bit of sugar, that’s new.

“No I haven’t heard anything…when does Victor want to leave? ….Right. Let me know the minute the manifesto result comes in. Okay, bye.”

He pockets his phone and spins around before I can run after the girls or make it look like I wasn’t blatantly eavesdropping and being nosey, although my only option would be to examine the wall.

“Uh.”

Yes Rose, ingenious.

“Something you wanted?”

“You don’t normally take sugar.” I shouldn’t be able to speak. I should have gone with examining the wall.

Dimitri hums and walks toward me. “More stress, more sugar.”

He passes me in a wave of fresh cotton and his masculine scent. It had to be his shower gel, like how mine smelled of honey. I couldn’t place his smell though, something like spice but not quite.

I follow him out into the hall. “Why are you stressed?”

“Reasons that can’t be helped.”

“Because you’re here not there?”

“Partly.”

“Why else?” He looks down at me from the stairs he’s climbed and before I can start to feel awkward I blurt out, “You said I could ask you anything.”

“You can.” He says. “But that doesn’t mean you’ll get answers.”

He turns and walks up the rest of the stairs leaving me surprised at how I felt. I didn’t feel stupid or want to immediately turn invisible. I felt like following him and asking ‘why’ again.  Instead I wander into the living room and sit down beside Natalie. They had a show I recognised on. They’ve brought a large, brown throw out from the utility room to drape over their legs. Without looking away from the TV Natalie starts blindly tucking it around my hips. 

“Snug as a bug.” Lissa says.

“Shhh.” Natalie demands.

//

At first I think it’s the dream that wakes me. That the part of me running away from the dream, from her, started pounding at the piece of my brain that kept everything else asleep and eventually succeeded before it could get worse. But lying here getting my breath back there’s a tremble in my lower abdomen and then suddenly something twists. I gasp and collapse back against the pillows, clutching the mattress with one hand and a fistful of Dimitri shirt with the other.

My breath comes back in a huge inhale and before I can decide if it’s worth calling for help the pain disappears, slithering away and leaving an achy trail behind it. Gingerly I prod my tummy, expecting it to suddenly reel up again like an agitated animal but it doesn’t. It was gone.

I push myself up and run a hand over my clammy forehead.

Stupid body.

I shuffle to the side of the bed, ignoring the nip of the bandages and pad into the bathroom. I kept them tight as ever but it was getting harder as my chest had gotten a little bigger. It would be a lot easier if the extra weight had gone to my hips or tummy or anywhere else really.

I splash my face, rinsing away the dream and clearing my head.

I hoke around for the lip balm Natalie had given having told me that they needed ‘tender loving care after being brutalised for most of life’. I thought at first it was a bit dramatic but after studying them in the mirror I realised that they did look horribly dry and were almost always cracked. I unscrew the little pot and smooth the appley balm over them. The problem now would be not to lick it off.

I tug out my hair tie and run a brush through the tangled mess. My hair had a lot more shine to it now and the ends weren’t as wild, although still broken. I pull it over my shoulder to get at it and then throw it back, still surprised by the length and how it brushes against the bottom of my back.  I wonder how it would look at Natalie’s length. It would certainly not be as heavy but what if I was so used to the weight that I couldn’t hold my head up without it. That would be problematic.

I turn out the light and wander out. I didn’t want to go back to bed. The dream still felt too close and lying down in the bed wouldn’t let it fade away. I pull on a pair of pj bottoms and tiptoe out onto the landing. It was dark and quiet, the living room showing no sign that it was the middle of the day and not the middle of the night. Looking at the dark glass it was almost bizarre to see a round white ball in the sky instead of a speckling of stars. I tap in the code and push the door open, not anticipating the rush of colour, warmth and light.

I’d stepped into another dream.

It’s so unexpectantly pleasant that I stand there with my eyes closed, letting the sun warm my face before dazedly making my way onto the lawn. The grass is soft and tickles my feet. I plop down and drink in the grand array of flowers and their popping colours. How perfectly blue the sky was and how the summer air felt like a snug, warm blanket around me. A million miles away from the blistering, dry heat in Arizona.

I’d missed the sun despite what it used to mean.

I close my eyes and breathe in the warm floral air.  To think that somewhere else the same sun was in the sky but angrier, that my mother was among plants and flowers but for a different purpose and she wasn’t hungry, she was starving and she was tired and she wouldn’t stop being those things.

Did she miss me?

An ache swells inside my chest and up my throat.

I open my eyes and drink in details of the garden, letting it chase out the images in my mind.

The forget-me-nots in pink and sky blue, the roses in scarlet red, pure white and yellow, jasmine, peonies, lilac and tiger lilies. A single sunflower with its face turned to the sky and sweet peas climbing the only tree enclosed in the garden. I couldn’t remember any other name’s Natalie may have told me, I’d gotten so distracted with watching her cup her hands around a flower bud and making it bloom.

Without warning that ache becomes more intense and I wondered what my mother would say if she were here. If she would think it was beautiful, if she would permit herself to share a moment with me in admiring it. Probably not.

The ache had spread to my eyes and a tear escapes down my cheek.

“Rose.”

I look over my shoulder and find Dimitri has stepped into the dream.

//////////

 


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if you were expecting this on Sunday, I always forget about this site as i prioritize fanfic.net :S I'll work on that. Sorry xx
> 
> ps. i think there's an extra chapter on the other site too, a DPOV, I don't know how to move the chapters around on here to insert it.

You’d think after being under the same roof as someone for almost a month you would get used to their features. But seeing Dimitri in bright sunlight was like meeting him for the first time or meeting someone you haven’t seen in a while. He stands in the sunlight clothed in shade, black, white and grey, solid and bold against the colours of the garden.  He walks forward and in a swift motion he’s crouched by me. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

His hair is messy, tousled around his face. It makes him look younger or perhaps his actual age.

“What age are you?”

His lips turn down. “What?”

Just because I was awake didn’t mean my filter was too. I lean back and inhale, trying to keep focused on the flowers.  Two fat bumblebees were dancing around the sunflower.

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong.”

Act normal, be normal, be worth being visible.

I feel him sit down beside me. His voice is more relaxed than before. “Then why are you crying?”

“I’m not.” I say, turning to wipe at my cheeks and chin.  Through the sun’s warmth I could feel were my tears had made tracks. I hadn’t noticed before. How embarrassing.

“Okay. So why are you out here?”

I almost turn back to face him but the embarrassment at being caught snivelling has made my neck stiff.

“I couldn’t sleep.”

A light breeze ruffles the trees leaves causing their shadows on the lawn to dance.

“Neither could I.” He responds quietly.

I peek up at him before my neck rusts. His dark eyes were looking forward, toward the flower beds that hugged the lawn in a semi-circle. A pretty buffer to the tall fence behind it which looked to be wood painted a dark green. He had one knee drawn up and his forearm resting on it, hand hanging limp and his other leg is stretched out. If mine were stretched out my foot would probably just make it past his knee.

His skin looked softer despite being home to his sharp cheekbones and a stoic expression. They more I looked the more I began to see it as just a barrier and one I was curious to see past.

His gaze flicks down.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” I ask, a blurt of panic.

“I’m waiting on a call.” He replies, plucking a blade of grass. “I don’t sleep much anyway.”

“Why?”

The faintest smile presses at his lips. “It’s your turn to answer a question I think. That’s how the game goes.”

“Game?” I ask wearily, tugging the hem of his shirt over my knees.

He hums. “Bartering questions back and forth. You can pass but you miss a turn.” 

I mull it over and bite on my lip tasting apple.

“Okay.”

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” He asks, cocking his head. The sunlight is threading bronze into his hair.

I draw my knees closers and lock my hands under them. “Nightmare. Why can’t I clean your room?”

“Privacy. What was your nightmare about?”

I didn’t like this game. Soundlessly I taste my answer before making it heard. “Janine.”

I think his pause indicates he’s trying to recall who that is. Somehow that makes me sadder.

“Who’s call are you waiting on?” I mumble.

“Ben’s.” He says in a manner of pushing it aside. “I can still arrange a phone call Rose, anytime. You can be in contact with her.”

“No.”

“But-“

“I said no!”

My raised voice sounded alien to my own ears and by the look on his face I was more surprised than he was. He looked annoyingly calm. I turn my scowl toward the lovely scenery. He begins to speak but I cut him off.

“It’s not your turn.”

He stays silent while I try and dig up another question. Usually I had tons and keeping them in was like pushing down on a bulging box or trying to close Natalie’s small closet. I’d learned she had a main one, hidden behind the pretence of a double full length mirror in her room. It was like another room because you could walk inside it but it was devoted to the sole purpose of housing all her beloved clothes. Yet somehow things still ended up on the floor.

I finally pick one from the box, self-consciousness being tugged out with it. I glance at his patient face and try to hang on to some of the fire that sparked when he’d pushed about the call.

“What happened to those people? The one’s in the raid.”

I feel rather than see him tense up. I also think I see him twitch a little as if in pain but I couldn’t imagine why.

“We don’t know exactly, we haven’t found all of them.”

I knot my hands together. “The one’s you have found?”

He turns to me, gaze sweeping my face. I get the idea he’s trying to gage something. “Dead. Three of them.”

I hold his gaze. “Strigoi did it didn’t they?”

It was a foreign concept in my mind, a blurry image I tried to associate with that night. More than one dark monster dressed as an angel coming for lots of Moroi children who I could only dress as Natalie, Lissa and the young master in my head.  And there were Guardians too who had been taken I remembered, Guardians who had Dimitri’s, Ben’s and Spiridon’s face. But that image was never solid, never as terribly real as picturing Lissa or Natalie prey to those creatures.

“Yes. A lot of them.” He says gravely.

“You’re turn.” I return quietly, the fire having gone out.

The way he was looking at me should have been a warning. “Why don’t you want to speak to her?”

I grit my teeth. “Speak to who?”

“You know who.”

“It would make it harder.” I admit through thin lips. “To talk to her and never see her. I wouldn’t know if she was really saying what she meant. And it would draw attention, from both of them and I don’t know which would be worse.”

I’d said too much when I really hadn’t intended to say anything.

“There have been no further run ins with Moira or Lucas.”

“Yet.”

“Rose, I promise –“

“Don’t. Please don’t promise me anything more. You’ve done enough I think.”

It was true, he had done a lot for me and I had no way of repaying him. Not yet anyway. I also didn’t want to believe in another promise, not one that was about keeping my mother away from hurtful things. It would be too easy, too ignorant to be a thousand miles away and believe things were better for her too. And I’d never know the truth, even if I spoke to her on the phone. Someone would undoubtedly be close or listening and she wouldn’t tell me how she really was. There was also the horrible chance that the line would be silent because she’d have nothing to say to me after making sure I was staying in line. Well, maybe she’d be chiding me because I was not staying in line by anyone’s standards.

Master and Mistress Ozera wouldn’t leave her alone forever, that I was sure of.

I lick my now dry lips. “My turn?”

He nods and I stretch out my legs. I was right, my sock clad feet reach the very top of his shin. I notice unlike me he is wearing shoes, boots rather, that he must have just stamped on hastily because the laces were undone. I remember what he said about hating damp socks.

I run my fingers through the warm, short grass and pull various questions from the box until I find the one I want.  It might be cruel, it definitely overstepped the mark and it might be like holding up my middle finger to all the nice things he’d done for me.

But now it was out of the box and I can’t resist. I never could.

“Why did Ben and Spiridon go and not you?” I ask, staring at a group of tulips.

He could lie. He could say that it wasn’t strategized out to depict who was suited to going or staying, that it was just the way Victors order fell out of his mouth. He could say Ben was needed to translate German like Victor asked him to do sometimes and Spiridon spoke another language so he was needed. All the men’s combat skill were up to par, that was obvious when I thought about it, considering how much weight Victor seemed to carry, how important he was and there were threats against him. It could be, however unlikely, something to do with me.  Victor had noted how I levitated toward Dimitri if I had a problem or a question. He was also firm enough to enforce rules and fair enough with matters to govern Natalie.  Or, as I’d learned, he was the last Guardian to join this household and that could be a visible reason. They were all things I would buy if sold in a lie. I’d just have to forget about his agitation and his snappy remarks at me on the stairs.

I breathe in three floral scented times before risking looking at him.

He’s looking at me.

My heart stops. Was this it? Was this the line I’d finally overstepped and snapped whatever…understanding or empathy he had toward me.

He doesn’t seem angry. His face is as composed as ever with exception of his eyes. They were mild, dark chocolate having been warmed by the thoughts going on behind them. I wanted to know what he was thinking so badly. It was annoying.

His lips move once but with no sound. He tries again, running one hand through his hair.

“The same reason you won’t speak to your mother.” He says, his fingers threaded into the back of his bowed head. “I’m not there because I’m protecting my family.” He drops his hand looks up to my surprised face. “My father is at court, a representative for his royal family, a step in for the families Prince. We do not get along to put it simply. Seeing me by Victor’s side could be incentive to antagonise policies on a biased scale. Or it could be seen as Victor’s way of touching on a sore spot. I would be the opposite of helpful at court.”

“How does that protect your family?”

He looks out around the garden. “He has not seen my mother or my sisters in over a year because of me. I’ve hidden them from him. He is not a nice man. Seeing I was involved with Victor he would try and bribe him into revealing where they are in exchange for support.”

Dimitri’s voice had turned awfully bitter, the inflections in his accent sound like metallic clips.

“You’re protecting your family from their parent?” I ask numbly.

A parent was the only safety I had known much of my life. The only kind of association to love and to think that it was flipped for him caused my heart to ache in a different way.

Was my father the same? Is that why I had never been told about him? Why my mother never spoke about him. I cold feeling sloshes inside me as I consider I might know him and she might have lied to me.

“He is not a parent. He is a parasite.” He corrects.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“I could have passed. I wasn’t completely victim to the game.” He says, adopting a lighter tone.

“Still it was… nosey and I knew the real reason was going to be something bad.”

“It is what it is. Don’t feel any guilt Rose, you aren’t responsible for how I handle my feelings. And as for your curious nature,” he says turning to me. “It’s more endearing than irritating, don’t apologise for it either.”

I smile without authorizing it. It felt nice. His expression is softer but he’s not smiling, just studying me.

“So running makes you feel better?”

“Exercise releases endorphins and relieves stress.” He says bluntly, like reading it off a book.

I scrunch up my nose. “I don’t think its working.”

He laughs and I feel my expression drop off. A quick laugh with two beats, his head falls back so he’s smiling at the summer sky.

“Well maybe it’s because I run in the dark.” He says, his mouth receding into a small smile.

I feel like I’ve been hit on the head with a rock. I scrabble around inside the box.

“Will you train me in the dark?” I ask, the words falling out of my mouth.

“For some parts maybe. It will be easier to start at dark, when it’s cooler.”

The anticipation was bubbling up. “Are we starting soon?”

He cocks his head again. “Maybe. You look healthier but we’ll weigh you first.”

Urgh, I had to rely on my body to not betray me.

“When?”

“We can do it in the morning if you like. Our morning rather.” He looks back to the garden. “If you’re ready we’ll have to wait a day or two before beginning. I’ve over done it the past couple of days.” Unconsciously he rolls his right shoulder and his expression pinches slightly, like it had earlier when I thought I saw him twitch.

I didn’t want to wait longer. Not if I was ready, not if there were groups of strigoi running around, not when there were dangerous Guardians, not when I could learn to protect myself.

“You’ve strained your trapezius muscles.”I guess although I’m sure.

He stops in his attempt to knead his shoulder to raise an eyebrow. I realise he’s surprised.

“Have you moved onto medical books now?” He asks.

“My mother knew, knows, about them and how to treat them.”

“Does she.” He murmurs, thoughts building behind his eyes.

“Yes, she taught me. I can help if you let me?” I sit up on my knees and face him. He was just looking at me and it was making the need to prove something more imminent. “The back muscles need palmar and petrissage kneading. I can do that for if you want.”

“You want to rub my back?” He says, still expressionless.

Hot defence zips through my veins. “I want to help and I want you to teach me as soon as possible.”

He considers this as another warm breeze ripples over the garden.

“Alright.”


	17. Between dreaming

I’d expected him to say no. I think I even hoped he would. I think even he’s surprised he’s said yes. He stares at me for a beat longer with dark eyes flecked with honey in the sunlight, before facing forward and straightening his back. An obvious indication to get to start then. I supress a gulp and shuffle forward, hoping I don’t get grass stains on the knees. That would be a pain to get out.

He shoulders off his grey hoodie and despite the sun I can feel the natural warmth radiating off his body. My hands hover in the open air, inches from his back. He turns his head slightly, waiting. I take a deep breath and place my hands between his shoulder blades. The warmth seeps into my cool palms.

_Get a grip, you know this stuff. It’s just like helping Janine. Pretend it’s no different._

I force confidence into my fingers and explore the tense landscape. There were knots on knots, tension that didn’t ease in my exploration. I went as far up as to the base of his neck and no lower than his mid-torso. It could be ticklish down there and I didn’t want to think about Dimitri being ticklish right now. 

“You didn’t do this running.” I murmur as I pick a place to start. I press the heel of my hand into the crevice of muscle between his shoulder blade and spine.

He makes no indication that this was helping or uncomfortable.

“No.” He admits. “There are weights in the garage and a few in my room.”

“Ah.”

I press down harder as my palms move down his back and switch to the left. I just needed to loosen them up and then work with them. It would be a lot easier if he was lying down but I don’t know how he’d feel about that. It would probably take me two years to be able to say something and even then I don’t know how I’d feel about it.

I reach the opposite point of where I started and my fingers only twitch twice on conversion to his shoulders. My thumbs start working against the angry muscles at the bottom of his neck and I use the rest of my hand to lift and roll the tension in his shoulders. My hands are a shade paler than his skin.

He makes a small satisfied noise in the back of his throat. It re-vibrates in head and satisfaction plumes in my stomach. I work like this for a few more minutes before changing tactics. He twitches slightly as I come across something that feels like a taut string beneath his skin.

“This might be uncomfortable.” I apologise. I was going to have to apply a lot more pressure.

Dimitri, the rarely bothered enigma (my new word), doesn’t say anything in reply to this so I guess he didn’t mind.  I dig my fingertips right in at least expecting him to twitch again but when he doesn’t I experimentally make my next motion rougher.

He jerks.

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine.” He says gruffly and I try to supress a smirk.

That was naughty. I needed to behave. My hands move rhythmically up and down his back, sticking within the boundaries and not daring to pull anything sneaky. I become all about my work, spurred on by the idea that if I achieve something then we would be able to start the training soon and that sent flutters of excitement through me. It was also intriguing to have this freedom, this control to explore Dimitri’s body. I didn’t just have control, I had trust and that made me swell with pride.

After about twenty minutes I begin to realize that all the tension in Dimitri’s back is not just muscle related.

“This is going to be pretty pointless if you don’t relax.” I murmur.

My words seem to have the opposite effect of what I was aiming for. Now it was like massaging a stone sculpture. _I_ wasn’t relaxed, then again I hardly ever was, I was still nervous but it was a nervousness I wanted flirt with. Like how I wanted to scale the ladders in the library to flirt with the height. That was the most relaxed I got around people, which is still progress from wanting to close my eyes to pretend they weren’t there.

I was climbing the ladder again.

“Do you even know how to relax?”

I feel the short laugh pass through his chest under my fingertips. “I think I can recall.”

I inhale deeply. “Don’t try, do. That’s what my mother says.”

“Good philosophy.”

His shoulders fall making my task a little easier. I cast my mind back to early mornings that had spawned from long nights. Lugging sacks of compost into the berry fields, my first week of abandoning childhood to be ‘useful now’, had left so many aches and twisted nerves that I could hardly lie down into the position my mother ordered me to. I’d learned how to treat muscles and know the mechanics behind my body through how I’d learned most things, through pain.

I curl my finger and drive the knuckle into the tissue lining between his shoulder blade and spine. It was like pushing down on a very thick steak. It hits me again just how different we are. Touching me you were guaranteed to find bones first, although this was improving, but touching Dimitri was like touching power. All the ability, discipline, strength and skill was proof under my hands. The broad shoulders held up and supported by lean muscle, all protective padding, all evidence of a dedication to a lifestyle, dedication to be being a weapon. He didn’t taper in like Spiridon’s body did, he was lean and sturdy. I preferred his shape. I liked every contour and dip I detected through his thin shirt. I liked how warm he was and I was certain I could feel scars beneath the material, small raises of skin here and there. Our bodies were not completely different then.

He groans suddenly, head falling forward. I’d finally hit a sweet spot. It was always a little bit of heaven once you’d gotten past the pain. That part usually didn’t last long for me because my mother took it as a sign to stop. I didn’t want to stop, I was being useful and this could kinda be like saying thank you for everything couldn’t it? It didn’t really matter that I was enjoying it too.

What if he asked me to stop?

“Twenty four.” He says.

My hands pause on his waist. Twenty four what? Flowers, minutes, muscles in your lower back?

“My age.” He clarifies, turning to look at me over his shoulder. His hair had fallen into his eyes and away from his neck to display his tattoos.

“Wow.” I respond deadpan. “Old.”

He rolls his eyes and turns away.

“I mean just – you were seven when I was born.”

“The math isn’t lying.”

I give him a sharp jab and he humours me by flinching. Another modest laugh passes through his ribs.

“What was it like?” I ask after a few minutes. His chin had to be resting on his chest now and I took this as a good opening. “When you were seven and you were in, um, Russia.”

His head lifts and takes a few moments to answer. “Noisy. I have three sisters and being the only boy meant either watching them argue among themselves or be the one they collectively ganged up on.” That didn’t sound good to me at all but I could see he was grinning. “Once they actually tried to wrestle me into a dress…but I was six, not seven and there was only Karolina and Sonya against me.”

“So… did they win?”

“No. I ran out of the house and climbed a tree until they got bored.”

I laugh, imagining a shorter version of Dimitri running away from two little girls. “How long did that take.”

“Around three hours. It helped mama came home.”

I run my thumbs down his back, either side of his spine, smiling at the tiny glimpse of his life he was painting for me. Mama had to be Russian for mother but it sounded so …affectionate.

“Do they live in America now?” I ask, curious to what he meant by having to hide them from his father.

He tenses slightly and I mentally kick myself. “No. They are still in Russia.”

I try to remember all he told me in the Ozera’s bedroom but my memory is fuzzy. What I do remember is that Russia is a long way from America. I had looked when Lissa and Natalie had pulled out a map to find where the raid happened and then I had asked google how long it would take to get there. More than eleven hours by plane, that was like making the trip back to Arizona six times. His family was so far away and I think he felt the distance a lot deeper than I ever would.

I realize my hands have travelled lower than before when he sits up like he’s been shocked.

“Sorry.”

I remove my hands from where I’d felt two impressions at the base. He catches my right hand in his before it can settle on his shoulder. My hearts stutters and he turns at the waist to look at me.

“I think that’s enough. I feel a lot better, thank you.”

Molten gold is playing in his dark eyes.

I inhale. “Are you sure? I don’t have to stop.”

The gold gains density. “I think its best we do. It’s getting very late.”

He’s right.

He is still holding my hand.

Heat that had nothing to do with the sun was creeping through my veins. He lets go to stand and I pull my hand to my chest, scrambling up after him. My eyes are just level with his chest and I have to tilt my head back.

 His hair is a tousled array around his face, the bronze threads lit up as he sun beats down from high above.   

“What?” He asks awkwardly.

My lips refuse to flatten out. “Your hair.”

He reaches up a hand to smooth it back.

“No, no. I like it. I like that it’s longer.”

“Thank you.” He finally says, looking a tad confused. It just encourages my lips to split further apart. He cocks his head to the side. Before I can react he reaches out and takes my hair in his fingers.

My body locks, only my lungs work.

“You have gold in yours.” He says quietly and after a couple of long seconds he lets the lock fall back against my shoulder.

“It’s too long.” I admit, pulling it out for inspection. “Too heavy.”

I’d always fought against having my mother cutting it but having to tend to it every day now was a pain. It was too thick and long, the ends frayed or broken.

“Natalie’s length would be easier.”

“Don’t cut it short.”

I look up. “Why not?”

It may be the sunlight but his face has softened.

“Don’t cut it short.” He repeats.

I felt that nervousness grow and fill every fibre. “I think you’re biased.”

“You’d regret it.” He murmurs and then steps back. “Like how you will regret staying up so late.” The nervousness ebbs away and the sun moves behind a cloud. “Thank you, for your help.”

“You’re welcome.”

The cloud passes and again we’re bathed in the summer sun but the shadows have stayed with Dimitri making him remote. A statue I cannot touch. I walk back toward the house, crossing my arms and clutching the fabric of his shirt.

I let go of the door and turn back. He was watching me leave and even that won’t sway me from saying the truest thing I have ever thought.  “They’re lucky to have you, your family.”

“You think so?” He says.

When is a question not a question?

He takes a deep breath and looks away. “The ironic thing is, we have the opposite problems you and me. You won’t call your mother and mine won’t take my calls.”

I think I should leave.

“Why?” I ask instead.

He turns back. “You think you know what’s best for yours and I think I know what’s best for mine. I wonder what the answer would be if we asked them.”

“Why doesn’t she want to talk to you?” I ask, not being able to connect the dots starting to annoy me.

He shakes his head. “Go to bed Rose. I’ll see you in the morning.”

The final shutter comes down in his face signalling that there would be no more talking. I make my way back to bed trying to riddle out why his family were ignoring him when he was protecting them.  It didn’t make any sense. It sounded ungrateful. I tie my hair up into a knot in my dim room and climb into bed, the question still tumbling around my mind.

Although…there are different ways to protect people. My mother protected me in her cold and strict manner. I knew she was doing what she though was best. It was a lonely best overshadowed by fear. I was used to the solitary of it all because it had been my life but if I had to go back to it having lived the past two weeks here, in human warmth and conversation and vibrancy, having had two girls I think I could call my friends, that cold would cut me. That cold was cutting Dimitri. He had told me a story about his childhood and there was no mistaking it was a fond memory. He had good relationships with his family, like Victor and Natalie. And now he didn’t. 

I lie down thinking about how much that would hurt. How it would hurt Natalie if Victor turned his back on her. I mean it already upset Natalie when she thought he wasn’t listening to her. I think about how it would upset me if she and Lissa no longer wanted to bother with me.

Dimitri was hurting and I wish there was some way to help.

I gasp as the pain from earlier crumples my insides and just as quick it fades away. I shuffle on to my back and place my hands on my stomach. I gently press down and hope I don’t come across any abnormalities, like feeling something wriggling in there. Urgh, I had been watching too much TV with Nat. No wriggling, just tenderness. What was wrong with me? Had I not eaten something right? Was it irritating my insides? I lie there for a while longer until my eyelids grow heavy and I cautiously roll onto my stomach. That seemed to appease it a little but the pressure wasn’t nice on my chest.

_Stupid body._

Stupid body…poor Dimitri…he looked so isolated when I’d walked away… being in the sun had been nice, surreal, was it a dream? I’d been touching him willingly, a man, a guardian for that matter and it hadn’t been dreadful. I’d really enjoyed it. Not just the touching but the company. To think he’d been so distant and agitated this morning (yesterday, last night?) and now I’d heard him laugh…heard him moan…odd how that sounded scary and appealing at the same time. How could it be appealing? How could I hear it again?

_He turns to me, sunlight caressing him in an outline as it streams through the window. Oh no, I couldn’t just ask him to make the noise again could I? Maybe I could ask him if his shoulders hurt._

_I look around at the piles of books littering the floor and bed. I wasn’t allowed in Dimitri’s room, why was I in here? Did he have so many books because he didn’t sleep?_

_“Come here.” He says softly, his voice sounding like how sunlight_ f _elt._

_I wasn’t scared. It was only Dimitri. I go to him and it isn’t until I’m right in front of him that I realize something._

_“Did you know you’re not wearing a shirt?”_

_“I don’t need one.” He smiles and it stuns me. Not just a small one or a forced one, areal one._

_“Why?”_

_He reaches out and puts his hands on my arms. “Because I’m always warm, see?”_

_“I always want to be warm.” I huff and enviously put my hand on his bare chest. It was almost hot, almost too much. “What if you get too warm? How do you cool down?”_

_“A shower. I take three a day.”_

_“Oh.”_

_I let my hand travel up his chest and wait for the reassuring thud. He felt sort of soft and hard at the same time, like a blanket over steel. The thud doesn’t come. Dimitri’s hands slide down my arms._

_“Where is it?” I frown._

_“Where’s what?” He murmurs, his breath tickling my forehead._

_I look up at him, marvelling in spite of myself at his skin. It’s looked like something edible, something inviting, tanned like the sun had spent hours kissing him. I finally make it to his eyes, dark chocolate and honeycomb._

_“Where’s your heart?”_

_His content, almost sleepy looking expression, along with his smile disappears. “They have it. I can’ get it back.”_

_The sun has set behind him leaving the room in shadows. His skin is no longer warm but almost cold. I look up at him suddenly scared and then terrified when I see his face._ _Completely closed off, eyes hard and_ _black. I try to step back but his arms are unyielding on me._

_“Dimitri?”_

_But he’s not Dimitri anymore. He’s not anyone. He’s made of stone. Grey and cold and I’m locked in its grasp._

_“Oh Rosemarie.” A voice simpers. I look over my shoulder and find my mother standing proudly in the shadows. “This is what happens when you care. Look what you did to Eddie and now look. No one can get close.”_

_I try to pull free again but I can’t, there’s no give and the stone fingers are getting tighter, biting into my flesh._

_“Mom, please help me!”_

_“I can’t help you anymore.”_

_I look back, a new plea on my lips but it dies away._

_“Such a stupid girl.” Mistress Ozera says to my mother. “Walked right into my trap.”_

_She raises her hands and her fingers are curled like claws. She starts stalking toward me, eyes turning from blue to red. I start to scream._

_Lissa appears by the statues side and latches onto its stone hands. She begins to pull causing a spider web of cracks._  

_“Lissa, Lissa run away.”_

_She looks at me and I get the sense she’s really annoyed. “Why would I do that?”_

_The stone cracks loudly under her grasp. Frantically I look back over my shoulder expecting Mistress Ozera to be on us but she’s been blocked. Ben, Natalie and Victor are standing in her way._

_“No no, dear.” Victor smiles. “You walked into ours.”_

I wake and immediately I know something’s different, wrong. My chest is the first ache I recognise but there’s more, further down in my tummy and all the way down between my legs. It’s when I try to sit up I feel something else. A wetness between my thighs.  I sit up and yank the covers back, lifting Dimitri’s shirt out of the way.

“Oh my god.” I breathe.

I stare down at the crotch of my pj's truly unable to believe it’s stained with blood.

 


	18. Waking Nightmare.

No no no no NO NO.

I scramble out of bed and barrel toward the bathroom, sparing a backward glance at the sheets and spying no red as I flee.

The door slams behind me with a crack like thunder. There’s a pulsing in my ears, my head, as I pull my trousers down and pray the whole time I had imagined it, that the scarlet from my dream had blotted my vision as I woke up but it’s not scarlet, it’s not red, its blood.

I stare down at my underwear as shame fills up the entire room as quickly as tears fill my eyes.

_Why was this happening again?_

A slow rolling ache meanders through my abdomen and I rip the toilet roll from its holder, causing it to fly like a banner. Frantically I tear pieces off, getting more worked up as bits too small break off and rain down like confetti on the nightmare I have woken to.  I get a part long enough and roll it like a bandage to put between my legs.

_Mommy what’s happening to me?_

_“Nothing is happening. Do you understand? This is a secret. No one can know.” She grabs my wrist and looks almost like she has a_ f _ever. “Do you understand me? You hide this.”_

_Her grip threatens to crack bone. I can’t remember a time when I was this frightened. Every erratic beat of my heart had me thinking another wouldn’t follow. “But what’s happening?”_

_Mommy is looking at me like she can’t really see me. “You’re changing.”_

I was as scared then as I am now. I am also angry, confused and it perpetuated just how alone I am. It all threatens to split me open and crack the tiled walls with the force.

I shouldn’t be changing anymore, I was changed. My bandages proved that, the flare of my hips and dip of my waist. What more was there to change? What was this place changing? What else was there to mould and crush out of me that I would have to try and push back in? Why did my body hate me?

I want to scream.

I can’t scream.

No one can know.

I step out of my ruined clothes and kick them away. Sitting down on the toilet seat I run my hands over my hair trying to settle myself, trying to think and trying not to think about unclean I felt.

It never lasted long. A couple of days at most, three I think and then it would go away. It had only happened a handful of times and the spaces in between got longer. When was the last time? A year? Two? No, not two years, too long. I can’t remember. 

_Why did my body hate me?_

I clutch my elbows as another wave of the dull pain passes through me.

Three days. I could hide it for three days couldn’t I? I hid it through long nights when there were no breaks, nowhere to slip away and adjust things or wash away the evidence. I had more advantages here.

I take a deep breath.

And it wasn’t like I had the same odds against me here. There were less men, less to hide it from and for now there was only Dimitri. By the time the others got back it would be almost gone and I wouldn’t have to worry about it for a while.

I could do this. I had to.

I need to stop sitting here as if she’s going to come and help me.

I strip off and get into the shower, bringing the spoiled clothes with me.

//

I don’t think it hurt this much before. It used to be some mild cramps, a little back ache and the urge to beg for more to be snuck from the kitchen.  The cramping was worse but bearable, except for when it was sharp stabs that made me gasp or lose my breath. Under that the back ache I could barely feel and the most intense urge I had was too let the panic pull me under and burst into tears. But I wouldn’t do that.

I make breakfast as quick and precise as possible. Scrambled eggs and toast. I have it all on the table as I hear the signs of life coming from upstairs. Natalie prances down the stairs as I’m looping back to fetch Dimitri’s coffee.

“Morninnngg.” She sings.

I fly past her and hope she sees my attempt at smiling.

I’m drumming my fingertips on the counter as the coffee machine does its out most best to annoy me.

It beeps at the same time he says, “Good morning, Rose.”

My shoulders go rigid but I force myself to move before the rest of me can freeze over. I look over my shoulder as I lift the pot.

“Morning.”

Funny, he looked just the same to me now as he did in the daylight.

“You timed that well.” I say trying to sound normal, trying to sound the same as yesterday and not any different.

He smiles a little and I think I’m glimpsing the sunrise again.  A part of last night’s dream flashes across my memory and I become as warm as the coffee I’m holding. 

“Here.” I almost yell proffering it to him.

Yeah Rose, that’s normal.

He raises an eyebrow but he doesn’t say anything, thank God.

I realize we’ve just been staring at each other for more seconds than necessary. I grab my water and go to join Natalie, extremely thankful that her mouth ran away with what was going on in her head. It would be distracting and would leave less opportunity to suspect anything, especially if I kept up with her.

Natalie is on the phone.

“What do you mean you have don’t know where your peonies are? How do you lose peonies? It’s not like they have a fake ID and a car.”

She spears her eggs looking like an angry kitten in her pyjama’s. Consciously I tense my crossed legs. I’d decided black yoga pants and my oversized jumper from yesterday thinking it would be the safest bet.

I jump as Dimitri slides into the seat next to me.

“Looks good. Thank you.”

He never failed to thank me every morning. When the other’s ‘thank yous’ flittered away as meals on the table became a routine his didn’t and when wasn’t expressing gratitude it was because he’d been present during cooking, insisting on doing something. It was a little bit annoying next to being one thing that made me happy.

He reaches for the toast rack and I find myself staring at his naked forearm. He usually wore long selves although he hadn’t been in the garden. He usually didn’t wear white either. Was that all real?

He’s staring at me obviously wondering why I’m staring at him.

Something like a screwdriver tries to clear a path through my insides. I suck in my breath and turn back to my empty plate. My concealed fist is shaking by my thigh.

“Are you okay?” Dimitri asks, because he would, because he has to notice everything. Annoying.

Natalie’s done with her call and is eyeing me over nibbling on her toast.

“Slept on my neck wrong or something.” I offer up and reach for the eggs, acting like a bloody battle wasn’t going on inside of me, like I didn’t want to run away from both of them.

“You’ve gone a bit pink.” Natalie observes.

I swallow and meld my thighs together. “I was out in the sun last night. I couldn’t sleep.”

I could be imaging it but I swear I could feel Dimitri tense as if the temperature had changed.

Natalie frowns. “It doesn’t look like sunburn.”

“The garden’s beautiful in the day.” I say. “All the different smells are incredible.”

Natalie’s face lights up at the new topic. Dimitri takes a long gulp of coffee and I think it’s important that I don’t look at him.

“I want more Tigerlilys.” Natalie tells is, turning to admire the garden through the glass. It was hued in fairy lights and the sky was painted with purple dusk.

“Why is there only one sunflower?” I ask.

Natalie’s smile turns down in wattage but remains soft. “For my mom. Sunflowers thrive in the sun. Obviously. Their faces always turn toward it. That’s how we like to think of her…thriving somewhere we can’t be yet, warm and happy.”

“That’s lovely.” Dimitri says.

She smiles softly but then looks at me and asks with concern. “Are you okay?”

I think I was going to cry. What the hell was happening to me? I pinch my thigh instead. Pain I could think through pain, well, pain I knew not this alien one that sat in my chest and tried to squeeze my heart to see what would pour out.

Now Dimitri was looking, oh great. He’d probably start on about calling my mother again and I’d have to restrain from shaking him. Although it would be probably be like trying to shake a tree.

“I’m fine.” I appease her but I could feel Dimitri still watching as she tucks into her breakfast

I make a face at him and he raises an eyebrow. What a dick. I wish I could do that.

“Excuse me.” I say and push away from the table.

“You haven’t finished.” He says, the disapproval reaching a three mile radius.

I have to bite down on the ‘very observant’ comment. Bite on it, chew it to pieces and swallow so I can say a normal and civilised, “I will.”

I get to the sanctuary of the kitchen and refill my water glass. I take a long drink and eye my reflection in the window.

_You do remember you’re supposed to be cautious right? That today you actually need to be invisible, you need to be invisible until it stops._

This felt like my first real challenge since being on my own, to surviving by myself. No, second, there was the run in with Alec and I completely failed. If it weren’t for Dimitri there would not have been anything left to keep alive. Not inside anyway. God, I owed him so much and I was having to swallow verbal stones so I didn’t fling them at him.

I go back to the table which now only hosts Natalie who’s typing away on her phone.

“Double O Russia got a phone call and blasted out into the garden.” She tells me without looking up which is unfortunate because I’m sure my baffled expression would lead her to elaborate.

I take my seat and shovel some cold eggs into my mouth.

_So good._

I take another piece of toast and slather it in jelly.

I try to prioritize my questions. “From Victor?”

“Unless Daddy has learned Russian I’m guessing not.”  She says airily.

She drops her phone with a sigh and turns her attention back to her food. Outside Dimitri is standing with his back to us and head bowed over his phone.

“What did you mean ‘double o’?”

“James Bond reference.” She says, “We need to get you hooked up with Netflix. TV in your room, you’ll never want to leave.”

I grin and reach for the last piece of toast, my hand colliding with hers. I reel back immediately and apologise.

“Don’t be silly. Besides carbs are your friends at the minute. I really need to lay off or I’ll bloat right out of my dress.” She says, airing her words away with a little wave.

“No but I shouldn’t have –“

“Rose.” Natalie throws my name up like a full stop. “Can we stop this in its tracks please? Stop apologising to me, stop full stop. It stresses me out and it stresses you out. Next time you want to apologise I want you to say ‘you welcome’ instead. Got it?”

No not really.

She raises one delicate brow.

She hasn’t put her make up on yet today and had looked younger until now, now she looked like someone who could order me to start dancing with my plate balanced on my head and I would.

I nod and she copies, a nod of finality. It reminds me of Victor.

“I have to go get ready. Enjoy.” She says, tossing the last slice of toast onto my plate and parting with a cheeky grin.

She was nothing like I’d ever expect of a Moroi girl. I was really glad about that.

I slather honey on this piece instead. Mmmm it would be so much better with banana… maybe some chocolate sauce. The delivery must have come at some point because there were far too many eggs in the fridge come to think about it.

There’s a beep and moments later Dimitri rounds the corner. Oh great, I’d forgotten about him. Why did Natalie always have other things to be doing or preparing or planning or preening?

He slides back into his seat without a word.

A ripple of pain travels through my tummy and I clench my hand.

“Sleep well?” He asks with as much interest as I had in Spiridon’s hair routine.

“Fine, thank you.”

That shift that had happened earlier when I’d mentioned the garden was still in effect. It wasn’t cold but it was weird. I peek up at him and see his eyes are looking ahead but not at anything present in the room, his jaw chewing mechanically.

We eat in silence. My toast now as appealing as cardboard which is funny because there had been a time I’d been that desperate and thought it was a good idea. Janine was wuick to inform me it certainly was not.

The ripple has made way for a wave and the toast crunches in my grasp.

“Are you-“

I stand up, an action of panic propelled by the fact when we were alone together I tended to get far too honest because he was far too intuitive, this however is a very bad, disastrous idea because gravity effects the flow of blood apparently (I actually didn’t know that, I’d only made google clarify that gravity kept us on the ground).

I freeze.

Dimitri was watching me with utter confusion on his face. Blood was now rushing upward to my head. He opens his mouth but before he shapes his first word I walk away as calmly as a cat on hot tiles.

I needed to get back to my room, close the door and have serious talk with my body and myself too while I was at it. All these other stupid thoughts and feelings needed dealt with. I was forgetting everything I’ve been taught, all the ways to shy away and become invisible. To become a shadow so I don’t draw attention, too gray to be paid attention to or possibly want anything from.

_But you don’t want to bed gray anymore._

“I was thinking we could –“

Dimitri’s voice is cut off by the sound of the plate I’d been holding leaving my hand, crashing into the others on the dishwashers rack causing my nerves to crack into smithereens with the ceramic. I stare down at the broken crockery in horror. I try to say sorry as I drop down to clear it up but all that comes out is a strange, choking noise.

“Hey, hey it’s okay.”

“No it’s not.”

“You’re going to cut yourself.”

He stoops down to draw me away and I let him, cringing away from his touch and back to the counter. He throws me a look that tells me that he was not going to let this go, running away from the table he may have but not this. Not unless I got a grip.  I turn away from him as he collects the broken pieces from the floor. I push all the erraticness down, trying to find the numbness but it wasn’t there. Searching for it was like trying to grasp water. But I knew how to pretend.

I touch my mother’s pendant and turn around as I hear the pieces deposited into the bin.

“I’m sorry. That was careless.”

He walks back across the room to put the brush and dustpan back under the sink. “So is trying to pick up broken glass without shoes on.”

I look down at my sock clad feet, my toes curling self-consciously. When I look back up he’s watching me intently, waiting.

“You made me jump.” I state like it’s obvious.

He raises an eyebrow. “You didn’t hear me come in?”

I shrug. “Daydreaming. That’s not wrong is it?”

His expression clears, suspicion curbed. “No, I suppose not.”

“What were you saying?” Distract.

He studies me for a beat longer and then goes to collect the forgotten dishes he’d cleared from the table and had left on the breakfast bar.

“I said, I was thinking we could weigh you today. Take things from there.”

My stomach sinks as my heart leaps. There was an odd sensation.

How could I train or do anything like this? How could I be close to him like this?

_Stupid body, stupid fucking body._

I swallow and try to dissect something from the railroading train of thoughts.

“Okay but could… could we wait a few days? I don’t feel… very well.”

That was the wrong thing to say because he’s instantly snapped to attention and walking toward me. I bang my hip, hard, as I move back.

He pauses just shy of me, a shadow of something passing behind his eyes.  “What’s wrong?”

I shake my head, sling-shotting my excuse back and forth and making a mess of my lie before I’d even said it.

“Nothing important.”

I had to be careful. Trying to lie to him was like trying to navigate rocking ground where the wrong footing could send me hurtling to the ground. “Just not feeling …energetic.”

His eyes had been darting around my body as if the answer was going to present itself. They kept returning to my arm where the burn was presently in the process of scarring, the tight red loosening into a maltreated pink. Then his gaze flicks to my ribs which were definitely not something to still be worrying about. My run in with Alec and the stairs had bruised them. I hadn’t thought anything of it, it wasn’t awful, just a sharp twinge when I’d moved but flinching wasn’t a common occurrence for these people’s usual company and I hadn’t been mindful enough about that. Lissa finally asked me if I was okay in front of Natalie and Dimitri and there wasn’t any way to backtrack. The confrontation of refusing to let Dimitri see, to letting any of them see, was more uncomfortable than the physical pain every time I drew breath.  Finally they let me be after around forty minutes of trying to persuade me. Natalie being the one to reason that my pain killers should help and making me promise that breathing wasn’t an excruciating exercise. Behind her Dimitri’s jaw could have cut glass and Lissa was peering at me, her fingers restless and almost causing sparks.

Dimitri’s eyes meet mine and ground me to the present. There are no gold glimmers now.

“Didn’t you get enough sleep?”

I’m about to nod but when some of my sense returns. I shake my head.

He steps back, his mouth turning downward slightly and I get the bizarre sense he’s taken some fault from that.

“I see.” He says. “Well we’ll weigh you anyway. See what progress you’ve made.” I nod, relief spreading through my veins in a cool wave. “After you’ve eaten you oatmeal.”

Relief ices over.

I frown up at him and his lips twitch.

“But-“

“That’s an order.” He says flippantly.

I scowl.

“I have to vacuum that first.” I mutter, gesturing to the floor.

I make a move to stride past him when his nimble fingers take my arm and draw me toward him. My head spins, heart lurches and stomach spasms causing the physical effect to jump under his touch. How did I stay standing?

I look up at him in alarm.

“Careful.” He says in his low voice.

I look down to see a jagged tooth glinting up from the floor, exactly where I’d been about to step.  He guides me around it before letting go, the imprint of his warm touch still lingering on my sweater.

“Thanks.”  It comes out in one breath like I had one lung instead of two.

_Stupid body._

He doesn’t acknowledge the strange reaction. Then again he never made a point to acknowledge my idiocies, thank God. Instead he tells me he’ll make up the oatmeal while I sort the floor out and I feel something close to dislike toward him for the first time since living here.

/

“A hundred and ten.” Dimitri reads quietly, eyes downcast on the scales.

I look down and read the same thing he does, not really knowing what it meant or why I felt so exposed about it, like I may as well be standing there naked in my bandages and the other… matter exposed.

Heat creeps up my neck as ice glaciers crash around everywhere southward.

“Is that good?” I force myself to ask.

“It’s better.” He says, taking out his phone and starting to type. There was a crease between his brow that contradicted him.

“What are you doing?”   
  
It’s out before my mouth can clamp down on it, slice it half. I think it’s not my business but instinct screams that’s exactly what he’s typing about it.

“Remember Keith? We visited his house the day we got off the plane. I’m sending him your stats. I want a second opinion, a medical opinion before we start.”

Keith, the alchemist, the religious doctor, the douche (as Natalie would say).

“What are my stats?” I ask and step off the glass plate Dimitri had brought downstairs.

“You started around 96 pounds so you’ve gained 13, 14 pounds in under four weeks. I’m not sure what to make of that. Your metabolism should be getting faster and with that a growing appetite.”

“I eat all the time now.”

He raises his eyes from the phone and drops them back. “I know.”

His phone vibrates and I resist the urge to read over his shoulder or over his elbow rather. Stupid giant.

“What did he say?” I opt for instead. I cross my arms and step away from him as pain rolls through like a reminder to be careful.

“He doesn’t recommend it.” He murmurs and dark clouds rolls over my head. He straightens up and deposits his phone back into his pocket.  “But we can start out gently, which I intended to anyway, whenever you’re ready.”

Anxious butterflies swirl around my stomach as I bite my thumb.

“I’ll let you know.” I say quietly.

“This is still something you want?”

My head jerks up and I meet his passive expression with a determined one. “Of course.”

He nods. “We will start off slowly, take it easy.”

“I don’t want you to take it easy on me.”

I think he wants to smile but he doesn’t. Who has that much control?

“Only in the beginning, later on you’ll be begging me to.”

There is thunder and lightening above my head now. “No I won’t.”

Now he grins. “We’ll see.”

He ducks down, making me jump, and grabs the scales. He strides away toward the stairs.

“Where are you going?”  I fume.

“To get changed for a run.” 

What a dick.

I’m still glaring at the stairs after he’s disappeared into his room as Natalie rounds the bannister and starts bouncing down the stairs.

“Wow, who spilt nail varnish on your white jeans?” She asks.

“What?”

She grins bigger, showing her vangs. I stiffen but there’s no urge to run out of the room.

“What’s up?” She rephrases simply.

“Noth- “

Instead of remaining above my head the lightening has flashed downward and through me. My knees buckle and I stumble into the wall.

“Rose!”  Natalie grabs my arm, her green eyes wide but just as soon as it had come the pain has gone. “Are you okay?!”

I breathe in deeply. She turns and I know she’d going to yell up the stairs.

“No, no. Natalie I’m fine.”  I lie quickly.

“But.”

I cover her hand with mine, the one already on my arm. “I’m okay, really. Indigestion.”

She raises an eyebrow. “Seriously?”

“It’s the oatmeal. I hate it and I’ve eaten it too quickly.”

Understanding starts to dawn on her face, the concern smoothing out. “Are you sure? I mean I thought your appendix had exploded or something.”

“No really, I’m fine. Please don’t make a fuss. It… it’s embarrassing.”

“Well, if you’re sure…”

I nod as the sound of Dimitri’s bedroom door opening travels down the stairs just before he does.

“Are you going out?” I ask. Distract.

“Um, yeah.” She turns to Dimitri as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. He’d exchanged his black cargo pants and boots for long shorts and trainers so naturally I was staring at his shins like I hadn’t seen shins before. I divert my attention to Natalie’s hair which was hanging sleek and straight, light bouncing of it like moonlight on water. It was worth staring at. “I’m going over to Lissa’s to prep for tomorrow. Neil or Adam are coming to pick me up. Daddy knows.”

Dimitri looks like he already knows this too but nods anyway. “I’ll wait until you’re collected.”

“You’re hairs nice.” I tell her as Dimitri walks away into the living room.

She smiles. “Thanks! Totally inspired by Kim K’s hair from her shoot yesterday, haven’t got the tan though.”

I grin like I 100% understand.

She tugs at my sleeve. “Didn’t you wear this yesterday?”

“Uh, yes. I like it.” She smiles but doesn’t say anything else although I know she wants to. “Is Lissa coming with them to get you?”

“I think so. I hope so. It’s so awkward with other peoples Guardians sometimes.”

“Natalie.” Dimitri calls, his body angled toward the window and I hear the sound of a car pulling up.

“Speak of the devil.” She winks and pushes her bag strap further up her shoulder as she reaches for the doors keypad.

“There are other people in the car.” Dimitri says suddenly, appearing beside us in the entry. He’s looking over my head at Natalie who had stopped in the middle of opening the door.

“Oh…They must have picked up Mason and Camille first.” She says, casting a look at me and biting her lip. “Sorry Rose. Lissa will be over tomorrow. See you later.”

She slips out and closes the door behind her.

It takes me a moment to remember why she’d done that, why they’d both acted like that. I was a secret. It’s going to take me even longer to work out why being a secret made me feel about an inch tall.

“Enjoy your run.” I say, turning away and walking toward the stairs.

He doesn’t say anything and I don’t look back. I get to my room and close the door fighting the urge to cry. I don’t have to fight for long as the rolling pain comes back but it’s not just pain. I run to the bathroom and lock the door.

 I start listing all the words beginning with A and applying their meaning as I change the tissue paper.

There was no damage to the underwear I had on thankfully. My tactic was to wrap the tissue paper around the base of my panties like a protective bandage. It felt really strange but it was the only option to not having anyone find out. So bulky underwear it is.

I leave the bathroom what seems like a couple of months later and crawl onto my bed. The lie I told Dimitri was almost not a lie anymore. I felt drained. Every spark of energy blotting out.  I don’t remember feeling like this before but then again every time before stopping for a nap was not an option and the option never entailed my new friend.

Sleep crawled toward me like night crawled into the day and causing the lights in the dining room to go out.

/

Something brushes against my head, soft, soothing.  I would think I’m dreaming and that I was small again if a part of me wasn’t completely sure I was waking up.

A hand on my arm shakes me.

“Rose.” Someone coaxes softly.

Blearily I look up at Dimitri.

“You need to wake up.” He says, an order that was like an embrace. “You need to have dinner.”

Dinner? Oh!

I sit up too fast and the room spins. I put a hand to my temple.

“I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”

“Don’t worry about it. I didn’t get back too long ago and Natalie is eating at the Dragomir’s.”

I look at him properly and see he’s still in his running gear. Sitting on my bed we’re level and it sends memories of yesterday to the forefront of my mind. The difference being yesterday contained sunlight and now we were sitting in my dark room.

“Good dreams this time?” He asks quietly.

“I think so.”

He had his hair pulled back, only a few strands escaping at the side. I wanted to brush them back. I grip the covers under my hands.

Then I feel it. The situation.

I tense.

He notices, of course he does. He stands up and the warmth leaves with him.

“Well, I am sorry I woke you but you have to eat.” He says walking toward the door. “And if you sleep too much now you won’t later.”

I want to call him back or ask him how his muscles felt after exercising them but I can’t and then he’s closing my door.  I sigh and carefully roll off the bed and head to the bathroom.

I spend all the time in there thinking about dinner possibilities but my mind cant work around one thing that’s causing a road block. I leave the bathroom and dig in the bedside drawer through all the various panties Natalie had ordered. There were far too many and all different materials, shapes and colours. It scared me a little.

Maybe she thought I needed lots of weapons.

The bra’s hadn’t come again, thankfully.

I root around until my fingers skim the smooth wrapper and I pull out the chocolate bar Dimitri had given me from his secret stash.

I unwrap it on my way out to the landing, passing his room where I can faintly hear the water running, and pop a piece in my mouth on my way downstairs. It makes me stop half way down.

_Oh my god._

It was the perfect balance of smooth and sweet, chocolate and milk. It melts slowly on my tongue and when I open my eyes I’m slightly dazed. I devour half of it before making it to the kitchen.

Where could the others be hid besides behind the dishwasher? I skim through possibilities as I scan the fridge and freezer. By the time I’ve decided on making spaghetti I’ve come up with several possible hiding places, like inside the fireplace as it was rarely used and up the tree in the garden. He was tall enough to hide them up there.

When Dimitri comes into the kitchen, wet hair and wearing black and dark red, I’ve only one piece of candy left.

Wordlessly I offer him it hoping it would chase away the weirdness from the bedroom that somehow made me feel guilty which I was well aware sounded dumb. It didn’t feel dumb though.

“No, thank you.” He says, lips splitting into a smile which knocks me back. He looks pleased…maybe I imagined the weirdness because I was guilty of hiding something. That something seemed to be under control so I didn’t need to be so skittish. It was going away, I was sure of it.

The nervous buzz was back. “I was hoping you’d say that.”

He laughs, light and short. “The last piece is the best. Enjoy.”

“Is spaghetti okay?” I say, turning back to the sauce pan that was heating the sauce. I stir and pick up the little pot of basil to add.

“I’ve no complaints about your cooking so far.”

“That’s because you’ve seen what I do to Spiridon.”

He laughs again and I grin down at the simmering pot.

“What can I do to help?” He asks coming up beside me and I roll my eyes.

“Drain the pasta.”

“That was easy.” He comments, picking up the other pot. “You usually make it a battle.”

“Do you want to fight?”

“I’ll wait until I’ve shown you some moves first.”

I spin around. “When can we start?”

He raises an eyebrow over his shoulder as a cloud of steam rises from the pot he’s draining and clings to the window behind him.

“Whenever you want to. We are starting slow, keep that in mind.”

“How slow?”

“So impatient.” He utters, serving out the white pasta strings onto two plates.

His reply had me pressing my lips together as I give the sauce a final stir. There was no doubt that when he said slowly he meant slow, so no throwing punches or learning how to pin someone twice your weight to the wall but what did slow actually mean? How do you slowly teach someone?

He moves aside so I can ladle out the sauce and sprinkle grated cheese on top and then I follow him as he leads the way out of the kitchen. He isn’t taking the direction to the table.

He sits down on the sofa and I stand dumbly on the outskirts. Was I eating by myself then? The thoughts more depressing than it should be.

He flicks out a tea towel over his lap and looks up at me.

“I won’t tell if you won’t. And if you don’t drop anything.”

He holds up another cloth and I grin. I sit down near him, not by him, only sparing a short scary thought to the situation and light coloured sofa. I tug at my sweater which was sitting around my thighs.

Dimitri flicks on the TV and scans the table of different shows. I couldn’t see anything I recognised so I just concentrate on the food which tastes better than I thought it would, or more enjoyable than I thought I’d find it, surprising me. I hadn’t been that hungry and I’d already eaten chocolate.

Now I wanted chocolate.

A sharp pinging noise makes my head snap up. The TV screen is lit up by a man standing like a raised cat, his hands poised by his sides over two guns strapped to his hips. The brim of his large hat overcasts his eyes so we only see his mouth. A toothpick is hanging from his smirking lips.

“Is that all ya got?” He grins.

“What’s this?” I ask and the man snatches out his guns and unleashes hell on a street lined with wooden houses.

“Silver Gun.” Dimitri replies, eyes never leaving the screen.

The TV now shows the man’s whole body.

“You have a coat like that.” I realize.

He hums in reply.

“Last question.” I promise. “Who is he and why is he shooting at people?”

Dimitri grins. “That’s Silver Gun and he’s an outlaw. The sheriff, the man in charge of the human authorities like the police, wants him caught and imprisoned for robbing a bank. But he didn’t do it he was framed by a man who wants to marry the girl he loves. So he’s shooting in a fit of rage when he should be trying to get away.”

On queue the man starts running through the dusty streets as other people start firing back at him through their windows. He gets hit in the shoulder and goes down. Men quickly descend on him, similarly dressed and drag him away.

We eat in silence as the movie goes on. We watch Silver Gun thrown into prison where his brother and the woman he loves come to visit. She asks him to plead guilty so the law won’t kill him. He refuses to lie, his jaw set determinedly in defence against her shining eyes and then they kiss through the bars. I take the plates to the kitchen during that part and when I come back Silver Gun is on a platform, a lonely noose hanging beside him.

They put it around his neck and draw. I look away and watch Dimitri instead. Not wanting any of the sound to paint pictures or memories. It’s over quickly and not loudly either. The story ends with the girl, Charlotte, proving Silver Guns innocence and having the real criminal arrested.

I liked that part.

All the men in it call her a liar and use their words against her. They try to make her small and obedient but she doesn’t let them, not under Silver Gun’s own brother’s orders. She stands proudly as the man who had Silver Gun wrongly accused is tied to a pole and shot.

And it ends there.

“I liked her.” I say as soon as the screen goes black and the music starts.

Dimitri hums in agreement. “Charlotte is a strong character.”

“She didn’t even blink when the sheriff threatened to hang her.”

“She had a cause.” Dimitri says, putting his elbow on the back of the sofa and facing me. “All that love drove her and made her fearless.”

“But they could have killed her.”

His dark eyes beg me to lean in closer to see what’s hidden in the depths. “Some things are worth dying for.”

I’m instantly sobered. “Is that what it takes to be brave? To not care about dying?”

“No.” He responds immediately. “To not be afraid isn’t brave, it’s stupid. Charlotte was afraid. She trembled before the court when she presented her case but love made her strong enough to face it.”

Love making you stronger. There was a sick joke. Love had my mother chipping more pieces of herself away to give me what I needed.

“What are you thinking?” His is voice quiet and catching in my throat like smoke.

My lips part as the walls I’d built crack, fissures allowing whispers of things I’d locked away to peek through and want to spill from my mouth.

“I-“ I begin but Dimitri’s watch lights up blue, his intent face turning away to hold it up and then we’re eclipsed by light intruding through the living room window. It sweeps over us in seconds but those seconds are all that are needed to change everything.

I pull back.

I seal my lips and smooth over those cracks, horrified that I nearly allowed myself to do that. Dimitri stands and heads toward the door.

I hear Natalie’s loud laughter, can feel her excitement and energy approaching the house and all I want to do is get away. I uncurl myself from the couch and slip up the stairs before she can make it to the porch. At the top of the stairs I spare a glance at the door and find Dimitri’s watching me go.

I lock my door and fall back against it. I take a deep breath.  I’d made it through today. I had slipped up but not fallen. The ruined clothes I’d hidden had not been found. All I had to do was repeat for another day and it would be easier. It would trail off like it always did. The blood would go away and I’d be safe again.

I go to bed prepared. A thick towel laid down and extra tissue padding my underwear so it bulged out. When I’d been changing the previous handiwork bits of tissue had broken off and littered the floor. It had made me panic that it could have happened around the house, little bits of evidence peppered around. I set my alarm earlier so I can get up to be sure. Plus Victor would be coming back tomorrow and the house needed cleaning.

More men in the house.

For once I’m eager to throw myself into dreaming, into oblivion that wouldn’t be real even if it was terrifying.

/

I wake to the incessant beeping of the alarm and I groggily roll over onto my back. Irritation was fogging my head as I slap the alarm off but there was something lurking in the mist, something worse, like a cliffs edge.

I blink up at the ceiling at fog clears.

My heart sinks as I’m pushed off the cliff.

“No.”

 Reluctantly I sit up trying to tell myself that all the aches didn’t mean I was damned. That the tenderness in my breasts could only be because I’d fastened the bandages too tight the night before. That the cramps were due to the spaghetti and that the worst ache, the one that felt like a bruise constantly being pressed on between my legs, is for some unknown reason, some way I’d hurt myself without noticing. And the discomfort and sensation of something going on down there as I sat up had to be something different because it couldn’t be … it couldn’t be happening.

It couldn’t be worse.

Swallowing the pressure in my throat pushes it into my eyes causing tears to spill over as I push away the covers.

I stare down at myself with a mixture of disgust and helplessness, knowing in my heart that I was not going to survive at all.


	19. Chapter 19

So far it isn’t going well.

I had spent so long in the bathroom trying to breathe, trying to strategize, trying to hide it that setting my alarm became pointless and Dimitri ended up knocking on my bedroom door. It was like a bomb going off inside my chest and when I heard him come into the room, calling my name, everything threatened to collapse, crumble and the debris to hit him in a wave of what I once was.

But I held my palms flat to the bathroom door and tried to breathe evenly. I told him I would be out in a minute when what I really meant was go away and please help me.

The world had been distorted. Things were too loud past the heartbeat constantly in my ears. Every moment passed with the effort to listen to everything and concentrate on a task. To know where each footfall was headed and who it belonged to. The world was becoming like it was before, terrifying.

For the first time in weeks I didn’t want to eat.  I craved food. I craved breakfast. I almost craved the oatmeal but I didn’t want it. The more of me there was the harder it was to hide. I’d lost the power to become invisible and the more I tried the more noticeable I became.

I couldn’t get it together, couldn’t remember the discipline and protocol from before. I couldn’t recall my mother instructions and when I tried all I could hear was her hissing with disappointment.

I had forgotten my place.

“I know you said you’re fine but you’re looking a bit peaky.”

I take a deep breath and look up to meet Natalie with a smile. “I’m fine. I promise.”

She eyes me for a few seconds longer before humming and turning back to the mirror.  I needed to work on that being the last time I had to convince her to let it go.

It had already been tedious getting out from under Dimitri’s eye.

“What’s wrong?” He had demanded, taking my wrist and forcing my hand under cold water.

I’d spaced out. I’d been worrying about what could be’s instead of paying attention and burned myself. The hot sting jolting me back to the room and alerting me that I’d ruined the bacon. Again.

“Nothings wrong.” I had said through clenched teeth.

He’d sighed and pulled my wrist back to asses my stupidity. I knew he would push unless I gave him a reason not to.

“I didn’t sleep very well. I’m sorry.”

His hold becomes gentler, more relaxed as he starts winding a damp cloth around my hand.

“No need to apologise. Bad dreams?”

“I always have bad dreams.”

He releases my hand but the look he was giving me made me feel like his fingers were still on my skin. I step away, taking a deep breath and go to the fridge in search of a third replacement for breakfast.

“You might think lying is better so I won’t worry or you don’t want to be an inconvenience but it’s redundant. It makes me worry that much more.”

I whirl around, annoyance flaring up quick and unexpected.

“What makes you sure I’m lying?”

He watched me steadily. “You have a tell.”

The flare spreads like a forest fire. “I do not.”

He raises an eyebrow and I realise I’ve made yet another blunder. I’ve indirectly admitted I was hiding something. That I was lying and that sends the fear over me like an icy shower.

_You can ask me anything._

_If you tell me what’s bothering you we can deal with it_

_You can choose to not want to. That’s different._

For a moment I wanted to tell him, I wanted to ask for help, throw everything embedded to be instinct out of the kitchen window where I couldn’t go outside to retrieve it. I wanted to believe I could ask for anything. Dimitri’s imploring expression tinges with impatience and I’m drowned by the other facts. He is a man ad he is a guardian and I cannot decide which is worse. I don’t see him how I had since our talk in the sunlight. I see him wrapped in shadows with a stake in his hand.

“I don’t want talk about it.” I say meekly. 

He walks toward me and the fire is sucked away. He takes the packet from my hands.

“I’ll finish this.” He says quietly.

I was dismissed.

He wasn’t pushing me to tell the truth so he was pushing me out.

I’d trudged upstairs trying to gain some sort of grip on my emotions but it was like trying to grasp water. I was wrecked with anxiety but these flashes of irritation, weepiness and hunger were like violent shoves. There was also some other emotion, something I couldn’t identify. It reeled up with hunger but it wasn’t my stomach that needed feeding. I craved something and II had no idea what. Then weepiness would shove its way in and it made no god damn sense.

I made it to my room and locked myself into the bathroom, even moving the little stool that lived in there in front of the door. My… attempt at controlling the situation was holding up so far but I would need to change it soon. I just hoped nobody would notice how much toilet paper I had gone through. I doubted it. I had to. I had enough to worry about.

I’d wanted so badly to take the bandages of or even loosen them. My chest was tender and achy but if I took them off I’d only face the hell of putting them on again. I had already cried through that once.

I faced myself in the mirror and watched my own eyes widen in surprise at the misery that had been reflected.  There were dark circles under my eyes and my lips were weighed down on either side. I tried smiling but it only made me grimace.

No wonder Dimitri knew something was wrong. I didn’t have a tell I had a whole signpost on my face like an advert on a billboard.

_You have to at least try._

As if to test me a bolt of white hot fury slashed through my abdomen and fanned out at the base of my back causing me to stumble. I caught the door for support almost tripping over the stool. I had gritted my teeth and curled my hands into fists. I was not weak. I was not vulnerable to my own body. I wouldn’t let its betrayal cripple me.

I had marched out onto the landing determined to get through my chores so I could retreat back to the bedroom as soon as possible and that’s when I had capture by Natalie.

“Rose!” She yelled, swinging around from behind the bannister at the end of the hall. “Can you sow?”

Without thinking I’d said I could and now I was here, in her room, mending the lining of her dress. Even stationary in my hands it was the most beautiful piece of clothing I had ever seen. I could see the individual shards of gold and material that shimmered in the bodice and how it trickled down into the mesh of the skirt.  The lining of the slip underneath the dress had come undone and it was currently my task to fix it.

It demanded care and patience, two things my anxiety is trying to undermine.

I feed her the lie that I knew Dimitri had rejected. “I’m just a little tired.”

Natalie kicks off the stiletto shoes she’d been judging. I’d learned in the past half hour there were many types of shoes and all could have personalities like ‘these scream trashy’ or ‘these are too boring, like my dress brought its distant cousin to the party’.

“You should take a nap before daddy gets home.”

The needle begins to vibrate between my fingers. “When do they get back?”

“Before I leave. Daddy always likes to take photos before these things and give me a run down on what he expects behaviour wise.” In the mirror she rolls her eyes. “Basically all the things that I have to make sure he doesn’t find out about.”

“Like what?”

“Drinking, smoking, fornicating, fighting: cat or verbal, physical is out of the question.” She sits down at her dressing table and lifts her curling rod thingy. “Respecting the space I’m in, especially a home and under no circumstance am I to embarrass myself or disgrace the name Dashkov.”

Her voice has grown comically broody toward the end and she sticks out her bottom lip at me in the reflection of the mirror.

“I don’t think you’re capable.” I murmur as I delicately slide the needle through the seam.

“You haven’t seen me with jaeger bombs yet.”

“What are they?”

“A ticket to fun town…although there can be detours to shame city. I’ll show you one day my friend.”

I smile touches my lips for the first time in what feels like years. It was nice to hear of a future place with these things, doing things they considered normal and being included. Even if it wasn’t real.

There’s a gentle tap on the bedroom door and Dimitri shoulders his way in bearing breakfast.

“Yummy! Thanks Belikov.” Natalie says cheerily.

Dimitri merely nods and sets her plate down on her dresser. I make a motion to get up from where I’m sat on her floor but he waves it a way and comes to hand it down to me.

I thank him but I don’t mean it.

He looks pointedly at the bacon sandwich and then at me. He doesn’t have to say anything because his voice is in my head. ‘ _Eat’._ With Natalie’s sunset mural ablaze behind him it makes his silent order that much louder and unyielding.

“This is so good.” Natalie comments after the door closes behind him.

“You should have told him that when he was here.” I mutter, picking off the crust of one triangle half.

“You really like him don’t you?”

My head snaps up. Her tone was playful but it was like she was accusing me of something. Well she was…wasn’t she?

I try not to bite my lip. “Is that…bad?”

“No.” She says with one cheek bloated out as she chews. Her eyes were smiling for her. “He’s just not the…easiest type to read. He makes me nervous sometimes.”

He made me nervous too but I didn’t think it was a bad thing.

“He’s not meant to be easy to read, he’s a guardian.” I admit and taste ash in my mouth. I pry off another piece of crust.

She hums in agreement. “True. But Ben and Spiridon can be like that but that’s usually when they’re working around people. Not in the house where it’s meant to be like their home. Maybe that’s just how he is, as emotional as a teaspoon.”

I was genuinely confused. “He’s not like a teaspoon.”

“Fork then. Pointy bits to stab enemies.”

“He’s not a piece of cutlery.” I grit out. “I think he’s the easiest person to be around.”

Natalie presses her lips together and I can tell she doesn’t believe me at all. “Well, it’s not like he seems to demand much conversation is it?”

My irritation propels toward the ceiling.

“He is –“

“Are you going to eat that?” she asks.

I look down at my breakfast and I’m lying before I even know it. “I’m not that hungry anymore. The oatmeal filled me up.”

Natalie frowns but I read something else on her face. “You should try and eat some of it though. I know daddy and everyone worry about it.”

I blink. “They worry?”

Natalie’s expression becomes soft. “Of course they do.”

I look back down at my privilege, a token of my luck, a real gift that countless others wouldn’t experience.

A tremble starts in my lower abdomen and causes effect to the delicate situation. I don’t do much more than inhale deeply, tasting the meal in the back of my throat. I clench my fist.

I draw out the look I’d recognised earlier on Natalie. “No really, I couldn’t manage it. You have it if you’re still hungry.”

She makes a series of refusing noises. She shouldn’t have so many carbs on the night of her party and she couldn’t be that greedy but I already know I’ve won. Daringly I get up from my spot on the floor, trying not to flinch as the situation shifts below, and take the plate to her. She accepts it.

With itchy palms and a heavy tongue I try to phrase ‘Can I use your restroom?’ evenly.

“Yeah, sure.” She says, not looking away from the mirror as she twists a lock of her hair around the curling iron.

I walk as steadily I can into her restroom which was double the size of mine, basically another bedroom. I work as fast as I can to remove the soiled tissue and replace it, trying not to let the anxiety overtake me as flakes and tiny specs escape and litter her dark tiles, all little signposts of my secret. I have to flush the toilet twice and I can only hope she won’t comment on that.

I take a deep breath and unlock the door. Natalie isn’t at her dresser.

“In here.” She calls and I walk into her closet.

Natalie is holding up long sweater and turning it over for assessment. It was a deep red, like the inside of a rose and looked soft and light. 

She looks over her shoulder. “I think this might be your colour. How flukey huh? Rose Red.”

“It’s lovely.”

“Glad you think so.” She grins and then tosses it toward me. I catch it between clumsy fingers. “I can see your fond of sweater dresses and now you have more than one option.”

I knew wearing the same thing for the third day in a row would bug her.

“You don’t have to wear things to the point they’re falling off yano.” She sings as she skips past me, one side of her head bouncing with curls and the other sleek and flat.

My fingers tighten around the plush material and I resist the urge to throw it at her.

“Thank you Natalie.” I recite instead.

“You’re very welcome.” She calls back.

I take a deep breath. This was Natalie’s way of helping, to her this was one of the kindest acts she knew….one she’d appreciate that. I could understand that. The irritation simmers.

I exhale and go back to my spot on the floor and finish her dress.

“Remind me tomorrow to talk to you about your hair.” She says and I prick with myself with the needle so I don’t throw it at her.

//

I leave Natalie to finish getting ready and leaving my newest gift on my bed I rush down to the bottom floor to start cleaning. Dimitri is sitting on the couch with a book in hand. He doesn’t look up.

He still wasn’t happy with me then.

I wouldn’t want someone to keep lying to me either so if not talking was the way to avoid that then I really couldn’t blame him. It also benefitted me anyway. It meant he wouldn’t pursue with the ‘oatmeal has lots of benefits’ crap.

 He reminded me of the old Chinese wise man from the cartoon Natalie liked.

I slip into the utility room and shut the door, just in time too.

My stomach growls.

_What do you think you’re doing?_

For years I’d gone with barely anything, just enough to keep me upright and that was more than Janine got.  But now my stomach had experienced luxury it had resorted to whining? Whining didn’t get you anywhere, hadn’t it learned that?

This would be a good reminder for it because here was not forever it was temporary and then I was on my own.

Thunder rolls through my abdomen and shoots lighting up my spine. I double over in shock, having at least the wit to clench my teeth so I don’t make a sound but even the gasps make me paranoid. Dimitri was not the type you could easily hide things from.

I stumble over the dryer. My fingertips clinging to the smooth surface and wait for it to pass.

Slowly it does.

I straighten up as I breathe through it. It was only pain, it was only pain, it was only pain.

Was this my body’s further revolt? To leaving, to passing up this luxury. My body was making my head a place I didn’t want to be. Jesus, since when was I ever happy here, stuck inside this cage.

I have to hold onto the dryer again.

I was in control.

I had to be.

I was.

I collect the cleaning supplies I need and shove them into the carry case. Just as I’m about leave I feel the inklings of anger, no not anger, desperation trembling in my stomach. I clench my stomach muscles and the growl is muted to a pathetic sputter. I was in control.

And Dimitri was not going to tell me otherwise.

I march out into the hall making a mental list of everything I needed to do and feeling completely confident in ignoring him with a straight back and no glances. He could glance at me. Well, he might have if he weren’t on the phone.

The confidence wobbles as I spritz the dining table. What if it was Victor? What if they were coming back early? I had at least twenty things to do and then start dinner and I wanted to bake so he would have something nice and Ben would like it –

Dimitri laughs and it stops my vigorous circular motions.  It wasn’t a laugh like he’d allowed it of himself, a rush of breath or two. It was from his core, his belly, it was free.

“Not that I’m opposed to my own kidnapping but there are a few holes in your plan.”

I look over my shoulder and I’m floored. His expression was warm and I knew it wasn’t Victor or Ben or Spiridon he was talking to. It wasn’t anyone relating to that part of his life. I’d only ever seen him look like that when he was talking to me but never…this much.

In this moment I feel like I don’t know him at all and that I was missing out.

I go back to chore before he can catch my eavesdropping.

“I’d like that.” He responds quietly to whatever is said in his ear.

I’d begun to think that maybe it was his family, a sister or his mother but his tone washes that assumption away. Those three words were threaded by something that didn’t connect to family. I didn’t know a lot of things but I knew that.

“I have...a trip coming up. Maybe when I’m back or before. I’ll let you know as soon as I can.”

A friend. Dimitri had a friend who wasn’t Ben. How odd. A friend he spoke to like he sometimes spoke to me and who was not Ben, it couldn’t be a man.  Dimitri had a friend who could be a girl. I slam the surface cleaner into its allotted pouch in the case and take out the cushion foam for the chairs. Maybe it was like a Lissa or a Natalie. He would probably have a Lissa.

He laughs again and it’s really annoying. When I’ve worked my way around the table he finally hangs up. About time.

My stomach trembles again and I clench, unfortunately I’m poised over a chair and I was sure it does not look normal at all.

_1…2…3…4_

“Something wrong?”

I take a deep breath and straighten up. I couldn’t only imagine I looked like a rod about to snap.

“Thought there was a stain but it was just the light.”

He’s walking toward me, probably to inspect himself because it wasn’t enough that I could be sure. Without looking up I shoulder past him and retreat to the kitchen. Surfaces and oven were next.

The bastard follows me.

“The others should be home around eleven and Natalie wants to leave shortly after. Any ideas for dinner?”

“No.”

“What’s next on your culinary list?”

I shrug and make my way along the counter, spraying it as I go.  “Shepards pie.”

Why was he even talking to me? He just thought I lied to him so hadn’t it been decided talking was not what we were doing today. I had enough to worry about.

As if to spite me my body starts reacting down there. My movements are becoming more rigid, like I was icing over and fighting it.

“Should I lift out mince or start the potatoes?”

I slam the bottle down and look up at him. “You know the recipe?”

He looks unabashed by my tone which made one of us. His face is impassive but it wasn’t cold like he was still annoyed about our earlier conversation. It wasn’t warm like it had been moments ago.

“A little.” He says. He probably knew the whole damn thing.

“Oh.” I turn back to wiping down the counter.

“Well, do you want me to?”

“No thank you.”

“Are you sure? I don’t mind and it would give you one less thing to do.”

“I can manage.”

“I know you can I’m just offering-”

“I’ll do it!”

There had been too much pressure. In my head and my abdomen and trying to keep track with his voice in the background caused a fissure to crack. Only now in the silence do I realize I couldn’t afford to crack.

“I’m sorry. I appreciate that but I can…I’ll do it.”

I force myself to meet his eyes.  They are unreadable but somehow that makes them readable. Just like how his lack of reactions could be reactions.

 I was confusing myself and I really didn’t need that right now. 

We are just staring at each other. Or rather, he is staring at me and I’m hiding all my secrets.

“Alright but if you change your mind.” He says, leaving his offer in the air and walking away.

I didn’t need help. It was another thing I couldn’t afford.

/

By the time done doing a basic cleaning sweep Natalie is in her dress and is absolutely captivating. It was like watching the sun come down the stairs.  The bright gold of the bodice spilled down into lighter pearly rays of her skirt.

“Do these pumps make me look ginormous?” She asks, breaking the spell.

I look down at the pearl satin shoes and back up at her. The new inches really made a difference.

"If you mean taller to be a bad thing then no. You look elegant.”

And she did.

Natalie moves in sweeping movements, her dress fanning out behind her like a breeze has caught it but she remains poise in its midst.  Her inky black hair was curled and pinned expertly and she wore make-up to enhance her looks, not alter them. She was stunning.

Dimitri says something from the living room but I don’t hear him. The situation has taken a critical turn and I needed a bathroom.

“Rose.” Natalie calls as I have one foot on the stair. She’s looking toward the kitchen. “I think something’s about to blow on the stove.”

I take a moment to consider running upstairs but instead I rush to the potatoes rescue. They would survive, barely. I drain them and add milk to try and win them over. The whole time I have to try and ignore what’s going on below my waistline.

“Ah!” The pot thunks down onto the counter and I snatch my charred hand back.  Both hands have been under fire today. “Shit.”

“Well that’s new” Dimitri says, taking me by the shoulders and moving me to the sink. He turns on the faucet.

When the hell did he even come in? Why was he always hovering to swoop in like he was waiting for me to screw up? What was new?

“I’m fine.”

It wasn’t a bad burn, I’d reacted more from shock than anything. It really is making me soft living here.

“So you keep saying.” He mutters and then adds louder. “So is the dinner.”

He moves the pot to a cool ring on the stove. He takes up the masher.

“I’ll do that.”  I flex my hand. It would hurt more later on but now it was bearable.

“Go upstairs and put some salve on it.”

“No.”

I try to take the masher from him but he holds it away.

“Stop it.” I reach for it again and he steps back. I was going to hit him with a ladle.

“Stop being stubborn.” He says flatly. “That will blister. You need to at least wrap in a cold cloth.”

“Stop telling me what to do.”

His face creases with some emotion. “Where is this attitude coming from?”

I’m hit with the ladle. My head is cleared of everything and my body locks down. What was I saying? What was I doing?

“I’m sorry.” I breathe.

He tosses the utensil into the pot with exasperation. “I don’t want you to apologise.”

I stop myself from saying it again.

“Has something upset you?” He asks, dark eyes intent, calm, inviting.  It was a contrast to the hell that was behind mine. “Have I upset you?”

Surprise parts my lips. He hadn’t upset me, well no, he was irritating me but for no viable reason? Yes, Dimitri how dare you have another friend besides me. Were we friends? Was he my other Lissa?

I am baffled.

My silence is taking the form as an answer. I can see it in his face.

“No.” I admit quietly.

He steps lower and his voice dips lower. “Then what is wrong?”

I was reliving this morning.

We’re interrupted by a gurgle that is almost a growl. My lungs constrict. The question is about to pounce off his lips and I have forgotten how to be unreadable, how to lie, be invisible and I’m sure he would see through whatever lame excuse I gave. He would make me eat something.

I was so hungry.

“ROSE!” Natalie cries from the next room, eclipsing the start of Dimitri’s question.

 I’m out of the room faster than he is which I think is something to marvel at in spite of everything. His moroi charge had screamed which snapped him into Guardian mode but yet I had beaten him to living room by a hair. I probably had the edge considering I’d been coiled like a spring, a spring with a rocket under her butt.

Natalie is frozen in front of the couch, half bent like she’d about to sit down.

“I think I heard a rip.” She says, holding up a hand as if the motion would keep her panic at bay.

I needed the bathroom.

I go to her and only hesitating slightly I lift up the meshy material to check the slip. If there wasn’t so many thing to worry about the whole thing might have been funny.

“It’s fine. It’s perfect.” I reassure her, letting the skirt fall back into place. Natalie breathes a sigh of relief and drops carelessly into her seat.

“Thank God.”

“Excuse me.” I murmur and make my escape toward the stairs. I have to scoot by Dimitri who I can feel burning holes into my skin trying to glimpse the truth.

_Mind your own goddamn business._

In the refuge of my bathroom, both its and the bedroom’s door bolted, the situation has surpassed critical. It was getting worse. How could it be getting worse? Maybe this was just a… one off surge, to get rid of it all. Maybe it was close to ending, there couldn’t be much more left.

I’d ruined another pair of underwear and even my black yoga pants are damp too. The inside of my thighs are smeared scarlet making sickening memories and shame swirl in my head.

There’s nothing for it but to get into the shower to wash it all away.

It’s a quicker process than the last time I had to remove excess blood from my skin. Then again, maybe somebody else’s blood stains much more than your own. A way of trying to remain living, melding into the cracks of a strangers palms and under finger nails so it wouldn’t be washed away as easily as life could leave a body.

I get pulled under by memories and slip. The crash onto the wet, tiled floor knocks me back to the present. I scramble up, check myself and turn off the stream. It’s a race against time to get out and gather enough to tissue before it happens again. But it wouldn’t, it was going to taper off now. It had to.

I rinse the blood off the clothes and miraculously it mostly comes away, turning the hot water and soap rusty. The evidence disappears down the drain.

I stuff the sodden clothes behind the radiator and pull on a dark pair of jeans.  Natalie would notice the difference. I’d say I spilt something. It would be okay.

I do a double take from the doorway to make sure that you couldn’t see anything incriminating and then go check the bathroom for the third time.

From downstairs I hear Natalie scream ‘Daddy!’

Dinner was nowhere near ready. I hadn’t baked anything. Nothing was prepared. I had completely forgotten in trying to sort out this crisis. I’d forgotten my role and my place.

 _They come first._  

I race out onto the landing and down the stairs.

I hadn’t noticed how big the house had been without them but seeing Spiridon smirking even while telling Dimitri something in the foyer with Ben rolling his eyes beside him, and Victor making Natalie twirl for him in the living room made the place feel full again.

I’d be happy if it didn’t make scare the hell out of me. More people. More risks.

Ben stops eyeing Spiridon indignantly to look up and grin at me. “Hey kiddo.”

“Hi.” I utter as the other two look up.

“Miss us?” Spiridon grins.

Fear flat lines and irritation kindles. It had to be the glare off his spiked blonde hair. It was enough to cause headaches.

“Some more than others.” I reply coolly.

Spiridon grins wider and Ben winks at me.

My stomach muscles clench at their own accord, going into spasm and I freeze. Victor calls something out to me, like a greeting or something but I can’t hear him so I just smile.

I slip into the kitchen. The pot was on the stove covered by a plate.

“Leave that until tomorrow.” Dimitri says and I grip the handle tighter. “It’s too much fuss and they’re hungry now. We’ll order in.”

I’d failed. I had so much time today to have this ready and I failed.

“It won’t take that long. I can –“

“Rose.” Dimitri says in a tone that hushes me and ends discussion. “It’s okay. Just leave it.”

My shoulders drop.

I don’t hear him come up beside me, I don’t notice the footsteps so when he tugs at my braid I jump so violently that I drop the plate and it crashes to the floor.

“OPA!” Spiridon yells from the next room.

Dimitri is holding his palms up and I am a garbled mess of apologies.

_GET IT TOGETHER YOU IDIOT._

I duck down and stare picking up the pieces of my battered nerves. He bends down too, movements slow and deliberate which makes me feel annoyed of all things.

“Why did you do that?” I demand.

“I asked why your hair was wet. I apologise. I shouldn’t have touched you.” His voice is quieter than usual because it was overlaid with sincere regret.

I had meant why had he made me jump? Why did he make me so comfortable that I could zone out and not pay attention? Why did he do that? It just caused more accidents, it made me incompetent.

“Keeping him in line?” Ben asks, strolling into the room and bringing some lightness. He stoops down takes all the shards from my hands. “Jesus, you’re cold.”

I wanted to be cold. I wanted to be numb and made of stone. Instead I have to get up off the floor and try not to fray out.

I had nothing to do. Nothing to keep me preoccupied. Natalie was leaving and I couldn’t go sit in my room could I? Would that be rude? I could say I was tired and I was.

I’m about to offer this up when I tune into the conversation.

“So drop Natalie off, pick up food on the way back?” Ben is asking.

“I’ll do it if you want? You haven’t stopped today.”

“Dude, do not leave me alone with him. I need a break.”

I could only imagine he was whispering about Spiridon and not Victor. Dimitri grins but it isn’t genuine and I know it’s my fault.

Natalie dances into view through the entry. She’s smiling so happy and bright, looking like a star wearing the sun. Victor stands in front of her and holds up his phone and grasp that he’s taking photos. Natalie strikes various poses and then starts giggling and sticks out her tongue.

I suddenly wish I knew what kind of night she was going to have.

She catches me staring.

“C’mere.” She calls, waving me forward. I counter her waving and try to refuse but she’s so insistent. She comes forward and draws me back to her platform. “Our first selfie!”

“Our what?” I repeat.

Victor smiles and takes a step back, holding up his phone. I hadn’t even greeted him yet.

“Now stupid face.” Natalie tells me. “Like this.” And she crosses her eyes.

I can’t help it, I laugh.

“That’s a good one.” Victor beams, his eyes alight with the smile.

He turns the phone around for us and there we are, there I am. Immobilised in my first photograph with my first friend, who looks unbelievably goofy and the face I’m making shows I’m thinking as much.

“I need that one on my wall.” Natalie says, handing it back.

My heart swells, the first positive thing I had felt today. It was the nicest thing anyone has ever said.

“Okay I need to go. I can’t be late to my own party, its bad form and makes no sense.”

“Have a wonderful evening darling.” Victor plants a kiss on her forehead. “Behave.”

“And if I don’t you won’t know anything about it.” She sings.

There is a trembling in my abdomen and I don’t know if its hunger or something else. I retreat into the kitchen where Dimitri and Ben are leaving, talking above my head about things I cannot hear because something was going wrong. But it couldn’t be going wrong. No not now, here, not –

Not thunder or lightening this time but both, along with a hurricane and something that feels like a compilation of cramps, rampages through me. My legs go out from under me as does the air from my lungs so I don’t even cry out when my head connects with the breakfast bar.

It hadn’t tapered off it had been a warning that the dam could burst that the end was coming, that worse was coming and worse was here.

“Rose!” 

Ben’s voice.

 Ben trying to draw me up.

 I could hear myself telling him not to touch me like I was hearing a stranger say it.

 “What’s wrong? Where does it hurt?”

He was calm or trying to sound it like it, like he’d been conditioned to be as a guardian.

“Should I call Keith?” Victor says, not sounding calm at all.

Oh no no no no.

“Yes, if not to just be cautious. She hit her head when she went down. Rose, I need you to sit up.”

No no no nononono.

“What?”

I need Natalie.

Ben’s boots and hands disappear. I hear the door flung open after the beep and his yell from the porch. 

Light uncertain fingers brush my shoulder. I was under Moroi hands again, on the ground and in agony.

I needed Natalie. I needed someone who would understand.

“Ben’s fetching Natalie dear. She’s coming, don’t panic. You’re going to be alright.”

Beyond the pain and betrayal of my own body I could hear the quick footsteps, the fast click of her shoes behind the heavier ones of boots.

No no no no.

“Rose?” Natalie’s loud, confident and excited voice is for once subdued. She sounds gentle and a little scared.

I could hear Dimitri close by. I could hear the rush of breath with its inflections, demanding to know what had happened. I could hear Ben’s quiet response, laced with confusion and worry. I knew Spiridon and Victor were watching. I was a spectacle and I hated myself for it.

Natalie says my name again and in her lovely dress she drops down onto her knees to take my hand. She was going to rip it.

She curls her other arm around me and leans down close.

“Make them go away.” I beg.

She leans away.

“Can you all leave? Give us a minute.” She says in a normal voice which is much too loud.

Victor begins to protest making me shudder but Natalie verbally pushes them out into the foyer, as far as the living room.

She runs a hand over my hair. “Honey, sit up.”

I let her guide me up and by my thigh my hand is shaking so much it looks like its vibrating. I clutch my elbows.

Natalie brushes my hairline. “Ouch, that’s gotta hurt. C’mon, lets get you up and get some ice.”

I shake my head. “I can’t.”

“Why?” She asks delicately, her warm hands making soothing motions up and down my arms.

I try to breathe. I need to get it right so I can speak. I need to tell her. I need to say it before they all come back in.

“Rose, let me help you.”

I lift my heavy eyes to her nonthreatening green and I tell her.


	20. It's easier in the dark.

I’m not sure how I ended up back in my bathroom. I know I must have physically walked here, Natalie taking my elbow to guide me and shield me from the others but I felt like my head has been underwater and only now it was breaking the surface and able to see the world clearly again.

Natalie is rifling through the cupboard under my sink and I drag the last ten minutes from my memory.  There had been the briefest of pauses when the words had left my mouth like dust off a closed book. Natalie’s face didn’t pinch in disgust or judge me in anyway. She seemed to just absorb what I had said and then pulled me to my feet. She told me to wait and then she left the kitchen to whisper orders and then came back to lead me up the stairs. They all must have been in the living room but no one spoke.

“I didn’t even think about this. Well I did but I thought, well I didn’t think I had to explain – God I’m dumb.” Natalie says, pulling out a box and pulling up the lid.

I clench my legs tighter together. There was no way to move now. It had gotten worse with the walk up the stairs jostling everything around. The back of these pants were wet now too.

I push back against the hot press behind my eyes.

Natalie pulls out a white plastic looking slip.  “Okay, right. Panties.”

She disappears in whirl of gold into my bedroom and I hear her opening drawers. She comes back holding a bundle of fresh clothes. I can’t even look at her.

“Okay.” She repeats again and I get the feeling its encouragement to herself. She kneels down in front of my perch on the toilet so I have to look at her. She holds up that plastic strip. “This goes inside your underwear okay? It will soak up everything. Just change it every couple of hours or when you need too, okay? This bit comes off and you put it here.”

I nod to show I’ve followed what she’s said even if I don’t understand. She turns on the shower and instructs me to change and then leaves. I undress with shaky hands and step into the hot water that may as well be ice cold.

I’d failed again. A reoccurring theme with me it seemed. I wash numbly and then step out of the water and do as Natalie says. It’s weird at first and I wonder if this pad is really going to secure everything but I have no choice but to trust Natalie. I pull on the pj’s she brought and I’m tying the elastic at my waist as she knocks on the door. I bundle my old clothes together as if hiding the red will mean it’s not there.

Natalie slips back in to the bathroom. “There, that’s better.”

I nod but can’t bring myself to speak.  She grabs another towel and makes me sit back down on the toilet. She undoes my braid which was I realize is sopping wet and starts to dry my hair. When she’s done she scoops up my dirty clothes and dumps them in the hamper. Either she doesn’t notice my twitch, a compressed instinct to take it from her, or she ignores it. The bottom of her dress is sweeping along the moisture collected on the tiles.

My stomach tightens.

“Paracetamol” Natalie announces like she’s going through a mental list. She ducks back into the cupboard. “My cramps are a bitch too, well they were until I started birth control and now I have no excuses for crazy cravings. Have you been having any of those? Now everyone judges me when I want a cheese puff and Reese’s  sandwich.”

While she’d been talking she’d rinsed out the glass that holds my toothbrush and filled it with water. She holds it out and two little white tablets.

“What’s wrong?” She frowns. When I don’t respond she kneels down and more gold material meshes against the slick tiles. It was going to get ruined.

“I can’t…I…Dimitri said I have to eat before.”

Natalie’s shoulders deflate and I feel her gaze weighing down on me. “You lied to me earlier.” I take my eyes off the floor at the sound of the hurt in her voice. “Why did you lie to me?”

I knot my hands together. I’d spent the whole morning wanting to hide everything and now it seemed very important to expose it all because maybe that would take wounded look out of her eyes.

“I wanted it stop. It always stopped before and went away but it wasn’t this time. Because I have…because I eat here.”

Her eyebrows almost touch. “And you thought not eating would make it stop? Oh Rose no. This is natural and yeah it can bloody hell, no pun intended, oh my god I can’t believe I said that, anyway. It means your healthy yano, natural. I get why you got that idea but that’s not the right way to handle it. I should have thought more about this, I mean it’s not like Dimitri purchased Always, I just … assumed.” Natalie puts her hands over my fists. “We might be really different but I’m your friend. Rose, if you need help with things like this then tell me. It doesn’t matter if I’m at school or here or it’s the season finale of America’s Next Top Model just tell me. ‘Friends’ that means if you have a problem I have a problem and between the two of us we’re gonna come up with a solution. Okay?”

For once I let myself believe. “Okay.”

She pats my hand. “Food, tablets, bed.”  She takes my hand and leads us out of the bathroom. She tucks me into bed and I can’t help but wonder did she think I would sit in the bathroom all night if she didn’t.

I almost drift off but the click of the door snaps me awake. My head was light and somehow heavy.

“They’re all having kittens down there.” Natalie says, managing to sound so laden with exasperation that it could knock her over. “I’m no you so I just grabbed what I could. They’re gonna get takeout but I figured you wanted to sleep.”

Sleep, you mean hide.

She puts her loot down on the bed, a packet of chips, a caramel yoghurt and a ragged cut sandwich with what looked like chicken and tomato inside the crust. I notice then the woollen thing tucked under her arm.

“Hot water bottle.” She explains, lifting up the comforter and shoving it underneath. The heat surprises me but I like it. “It helps with the cramps.”

I gingerly pick up the sandwich. “Who has kittens?”

“Huh? Oh. I meant they’re freaking out. Just worried, I mean you did face plant the counter. How is your head by the way?”

“I’ve had worse.” She shifts uncomfortably and I remember when I’d said the exact same thing to Dimitri. “I’m okay. It sounded worse than it was.”

“Hard head.” She grins but her hearts not in it.

“What did you tell them?” I mumble, picking off crust.

Now she looks apologetic. “I vaguely explained. ‘Women’s stuff’, it’s not a topic they like to wade into, not even the tough Guardians.”

She sits down on the edge of the bed watching me expectantly. I bite into my sandwich. They all knew then or guessed. I never wanted to leave this bed especially now it was heating up. My stomach was appreciating that and the food. Maybe now it would relax.

“I’m sorry you’re late to your party.”

“Oh don’t worry about it. They’ll be fine without me. They’ve been doing this for a couple of years now. They know the partying ropes.”

“I’m sure Dimitri could get you there on time.” He could probably make the trees move if it meant a shorter route.

“It doesn’t matter.”

The sandwich pauses at my lips. “What do you mean?”

Natalie picks at the gold fabric of her skirt. “It’s just one party, no one will miss me.”

“Now you’re lying to me.”  Natalie looks more surprised than I am but I carry on before my voice gets smothered by self-consciousness. “You’ve been looking forward to this. You’ve put so much work into it, you can’t miss it Natalie.”

“But-“

I lower the sandwich to my lap. “Please, don’t let me be the reason you don’t go. Lissa is there waiting and all those people.” Natalie bites her lip, resisting even though everything I’m saying is true. I try to make my voice light even though I feel I’m made of shadow. “It’s not fair on your dress either. It deserves to see more than the inside of this house.”  She runs a hand over her skirt. Her nails were a healthy, pink pearl colour until the tips, they were gold. She’d made so much effort and I knew she wanted to be there and not here. The way she’d chattered about people and how she imagined the night would go. There was also one person in particular who she always mentioned seeing. “Raff will be waiting won’t he?”

She chews her lip. “Will you be okay on your own?”

I nod. “I’m only going to sleep.” God knows how I was going to get up tomorrow and face them all. I wanted tomorrow to be years away.

“You remember what I said about changing?” I drop my gaze and nod again. I pick up my sandwich. “Finish that, take the tablets and that should help with cramps. I’ll tell the guys not to bother you…and if you need anything, I mean _anything_ , you call me got it?”

“I understand.”

Her hand reaches across the blanket until it’s resting on my thigh. “Do you?”

I look up and instead of pulling a shutter down, instead of telling her what she wants to hear like an obedient Dhampir should, I consider it all. I let my answer be weighed up by feeling and not just a hollow response. Could it really be that easy? Could I really accept exerting some dependence? It wouldn’t be for that long and if it helped me learn…

“Yes. I’ll call you if something happens.”

“Or if you have questions.”

“Or if I have questions.”

She takes a deep breath and sits up straighter. Some glimmer returning to her eyes. “Well then, I better get to my ball.”

Despite being inflated by her own infectious energy she refused to leave until I’d eaten the sandwich and swallowed the tablets. And even then she fusses with tucking the blankets in around me and sealing in the warmth.

“You’ll eat the rest won’t you?”

“Yes.” I mumble, sleep coaxing my eyelids to close.

“I’ll be back by five. Six at the latest.”

Time was something that didn’t matter anymore. I am neither here nor there or anywhere. I am just warm. The falling away into sleep is easier than it is has been in a while. My senses are utterly spineless, not straining to stay alert until the last possible second and all because a part of me had signed myself over into trusting someone else with me. I may have taken a step backwards but it felt so much easier, it felt like peace. I sink into dreaming.

Somewhere in the warmth and tranquillity I think or imagine something pressing against my forehead, light, tender and soft. It sends me to a place where the trees are tall and a little boy is running ahead of me and I have to chase him.

///

A part of me is awake but the rest of me is sleeping.  I want the conscious part to slip away again, disappear into the smell of fresh cotton and the feel of a thick blanket, soft mattress and most importantly, how dry and stable things are. I want to but I can’t.

A small sound, like a boot chaffing on the carpet.

The rest of me wakes, my limbs locking and the hair on my neck standing on end.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.”

I roll over and look up at Dimitri. “You’re not very quiet.” He raises an eyebrow and I try to wipe sleep from my eyes because it was currently hazing my vision. “Not like you were the night in the woods.”

“I didn’t realize leaving you water required the highest degree of stealth.”

“It does.”

“Ears like a cat.”

I push myself up hoping the haze will clear with leverage. “What does that make you? The mouse?”

“I’m not quite sure what metaphor we’re using now.”

“What’s a metaphor?” I was adjusting to the shadows so the planes of his face were becoming visible. In the back of my mind I knew a Guardian standing over me in the darkness, cloaked in shadows with an unreadable expression should be terrifying but it isn’t. It isn’t until I remember what sleep had made me forget. I sink back into the pillows. “Did Natalie go to her party?”

In a move that is either bold or rude he sits down on the very edge of the bed. I resist moving away. “A metaphor is figure of speech in which a word or phrase is applied to an object or action to represent a symbolic meaning. And yes, Natalie left nearly two hours ago but left explicit instructions.”

The metaphor explanation was digging some forgotten knowledge out of the pit of my mind. I needed to go over the ‘M’s in a dictionary. “Instructions?”

“To not disturb you unless you needed something.”

“Not very obedient are you?”

“I was aiming to bed the rules not break them but I woke you up.”

“With your stomping.”

His teeth flash in the dark with a small chuckle.  My heart clenches in such a way that I think about moving over again.  I pluck the cover. “Thank you for the water.”

“How’s your head?” He returns.

I want to roll off the bed and under it. There was a hidden sentence in the question and it read along the lines of ‘you lied to me, you lied to me, you lied to me’.

“Fine. Really okay, I only clipped the side.”

“Only.” He repeats in an unexpectedly hard voice.

I bite my bottom lip. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“You didn’t lie to me.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”

“That’s your choice, don’t be sorry.”

I look up and wish I hadn’t completely adjusted to the dimness so I couldn’t see his face clearly. “The why are you upset?”

“My emotions are my responsibility, you aren’t responsible for how I react to situations.”

I consider this. “What way are you reacting?”

He looks across the room and back again. He takes a deep breath, his chest rising and falling in a way that makes me want to put my hand to it. “I don’t like seeing people suffering and being powerless. I didn’t like that you were quite obviously hiding something that was hurting you and I couldn’t help. I don’t like seeing you hurt.”

I might have swallowed my tongue. I have to roll it twice before it works again. “Natalie was angry with me.”

“Because she cares.”

I grip the mattress. “I’m not used to this. People being upset because I’m not whining or asking for help.” Somewhere in the sentence my eyes had started to burn and my voice had started to thin. I clear my throat.

“There is no shame in asking for help.”

“That’s not how it feels.” I press my lips together, the ruined clothes burning in my mind.

“There is no shame in asking for help.” He emphasises. “There is nothing you could tell or ask of me that I will judge you for. Or the others, you have had a completely different life with different rules. An unfair one.”

I’m shaking my head without realizing it. “I couldn’t tell you that. How could I tell any of you _that_.”

“Rose, it’s natural-“

“Don’t.” I hold up a hand. I couldn’t have him talk about it. “Don’t”

He seems to deflate a little bit. How was he even balancing on the edge of bed, his butt was hardly on it…Guardian skills. We sit in silence for one minute and I wonder when he’ll excuse himself. I didn’t know if I wanted that or not, even though I should want it.

“They all know don’t they?” I utter.

“Yes. Natalie had to tell us, Victor was very concerned. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

My head snaps up. “Of course it is. How isn’t it? Everyone knows, everyone knows that I can, that I have-“ Suddenly there is a lot less air in the room and he is rubbing between my shoulder blades and making calming noises. A part of me wants to shove him off the bed. “I can’t let it happen.”

“Let what happen?”

I inhale and exhale three times over. “It started again and it means, it means I can have a child and I can’t let that happen. I can’t.”

“That’s not a risk. I told you. I promised.” He whispers urgently.

I tilt my head back and try to focus on the small chandelier. “But it can and it might and I can’t stop it and I can’t turn into her.”

“Who?”

I drop my pleas from the ceiling to his face. “I can’t look at someone the way she looks at me.”

His hand encloses around mine, the warmth enveloping the cool and becoming a cantered calmness to the trembling. He’s no longer perched on the edge. “That is not going to happen. And you cannot punish your own body to compensate for improbable possibility.”

“But it’s not improbable.”

His hands are on my cheeks and centring the earthquake in my head. “No one is going to hurt you like that. No one is going to take a choice like that from you and make you unwillingly become a mother.”

His thumbs wipe away the wetness on my cheeks. I’m glad it’s dark. I know he can see just as well as I can but all the same, I’m glad it’s dark. It meant the rest of the world can’t see.

“Don’t punish yourself anymore. Not for old rules, not for anyone. You are your own priority now, not anybody else. Nobody else’s happiness comes before your own.”

I breathe that in. Could it be that easy now? Could it be that simple? Could it be that hard? Not worrying about what everyone else thinks or will do or will feel or react? Could it be as simple as knowing to help myself I could inconvenience someone else? Could it be as hard as putting my needs forward and hoping someone else will help me? Is this what my new life was going to be? I had to be dependent with some things to really be independent? Natalie had shown me how to deal with it, control it and now I would never have to ask again. 

“Happiness.” The word tasted funny on my tongue. It was a vague memory, happiness. I remembered it like seeing something through water, a boy showing me how to climb trees and run as quiet and as fast as wind, stealing a left over scone and splitting it with me, getting the bigger half.

“Yes.” He whispers. “If anyone deserves it, it’s you.” His touch leaves my face and moves over my head, light and warm, coaxing my body to lie back against the pillows.

“You’re safe here.”

I’m starting to believe that and it’s frightening. With the last ounce of consciousness I open my eyes but there’s no one on the edge of the bed or in the room. Maybe there never was. Sleep drags me under.

#

_“What do you thinks out there?”_

_“Out where?”_

_“There.”_

_I follow his eyes over the blueberry bushes and to the tree tops where they touch the navy sky._

_“More trees.” I shrug and go back to drawing squiggles in the dirt._

_“That’s it? What about the metal carts they come here in? And people like them who wear nice things and eat nice things. Where does it all come from and who makes it all?”_

_My dirt crusted nail pauses mid wave. I knew where it all came from, knew the names of the places. ‘Shops’ and ‘factories’ although I had no images to go with the words but I couldn’t tell him that._

_“Where did our mom’s come from?”_

_“They don’t like that.”_

_“Yeah I know but don’t you wanna know? Janine sounds different sometimes and my mother talks in her sleep about things. I wanna know what’s out there. I wanna know where…” He looks around and immediately I do the same. We were under our favourite Oak, on the very edge of the orchard where we could see everything but they could seldom see us. No, not seldom, a word like that makes him ask questions. They couldn’t see us here unless they were close and the closest one was six trees away staring at the others working in the berry field. “I wanna know where they come from. They are like us but-“_

_“They’re nothing like us Eddie.”_

_“Yes they there! They’re not like them, they serve them.”_

_“They are not us Eddie. We’re nothing.”_

_His hazel eyes harden over like treesap. “I’m not nothing.”_

_He was annoying me now. “Yes we are.”_

_Eddie springs up. He glares down at me just as mighty as the Guardians can and for a moment I see that he is like them. He kicks his dirty foot through my drawing, the dust flying up into my face and when it clears he’s gone._

_He wasn’t going to play with me now. Maybe never._

_I pout down at my ruined picture and then try smoothing it out. The dirt had gotten under my nails and I was going to have to clean them soon or mommy would get mad. When the ground is new again I glance around before puncturing the ground with the tip of my finger and drag it down. Then a loop that connects to the line like the sun on the trees.  One line taking off from the bottom of the curve like a bird soaring to the ground. Then a circle. A squiggle and then a ‘C’ with a face._

_My heart beats faster as I look down at my new picture._

_“Rose.”_

_That was my word, I was a word. I didn’t know what picture went with Rose, I’d never seen me. The only picture I have for my word is dirt. I am dirt. I am nothing.  I drag my fingers through it and head back across the orchard to wash my hands._

_Maybe Eddie would play with me tomorrow if I told him he wasn’t nothing to me._

_The navy sky spills down over the house and comes rushing toward me in a wave of velvet and stars._

_/_

I stretch out in bed, ready to roll over and back into dreams when the back of my hand collides with something solid. My eyes snap open and focus on the face cradled on the other pillow.

 “Hi.” Lissa says.

I blink to make sure I’m not still asleep. When she’s still there I shimmy onto my side to face her. “Hi.”

Lissa makes a small noise in her throat. “Is this okay? I didn’t want to be on my own.”

I nod against the pillow and it surprises me it’s not a lie. Lissa was tucks a loose tendril of gold behind her ear and I notice her bare shoulders. Even in the dark her skin was almost pearly but it had more luster, a pink undertone, nothing like the strigoi in the forest. Against her pearl skin is emerald, rich green fitted to her chest in a flattering way. It accentuated her shape, her small chest and I couldn’t help but feel a spark of envy as well as the nipping at my ribs. Below her bust the torso turns into sheer black panels, emerald lace spread over it like ivy. The comforter was tucked around her waist so I couldn’t see the rest and that was disappointing.

“Is the party over?” Was Natalie home? Was Lissa staying here tonight and I was in her usual bed. It had been the guestroom. I hope she doesn’t kick me out. I could move over and I wouldn’t take up that much room.

“No.” Lissa says quietly. “It’s still going on. It’s only three I think.”

Was she tired and couldn’t get peace there? That would make sense although something tells me sleep isn’t the reason she’s here.

“Are you okay?”

She looks up at me and her green eyes are naked. Lissa always said she was fine and smiled. Even when her demeanour shifted and she retreated from Natalie’s wild chatter or looked a million miles away from the TV show we were watching. She’d catch me watching her and she’d smile and say she was fine.  Now she looked like she had when she told me about the darkness that crept up on her. Maybe it’s with her now.

“No.” she says. “I don’t even know why. I mean, all my friends are at that party, the rents were socializing with their age group in a different part of the house. Natalie’s has done such a spectacular job with everything. Gold and red balloons, waiters in matching colours, mocktails, codes to tell the servers so they’d lace the drink with alcohol, mini foods we’d actually like, like mini-cheese burgers, not obnoxious stuff. Three foot high chocolate fountains in different flavours….”

The words were nice but her tone was empty. “Sounds nice.”

“Yeah.” She murmurs. “My boyfriend was there, my family, friends…and I just felt totally alone. That’s so stupid right? And so selfish I’m here complaining to you about this, but I just felt like…” She pauses to take a deep breath and I know she’s trying not to cry. I resist the urge to do something stupid, like rub her arm. “I felt like I had to pretend and I really didn’t have the energy to. I had to pretend I cared that all the stuff they were talking about, people, gossip, homecoming, hook-ups…I just kept thinking why does this matter? There are bigger things going on….everything seemed vapid. And I love those guys but I just…none of it matter to me anymore and I couldn’t pretend. So I had an argument with Aaron and I left my own house.”

I clench the pillow as my curiosity gets the better of me. “What did you fight about?”

She sniffs. “He said he loved me and I didn’t say it back. I just froze. I couldn’t even be kind and say it automatically…I didn’t say anything.”

“Do you love him?”

“Yes. Just not the same way he loves me, or he thinks he does.” She wipes her cheek. “I just couldn’t pretend anymore.” She sighs and looks at me again. “And then I came here because I feel like when I talk to you I really talk to you and you listen to me. This is so selfish I’m sorry, I woke you up when I know you’ve had a bad night…Natalie told me. I hope that’s okay, she was worried.”

I try not to get embarrassed. Thank god it’s dark, I doubt she minds pretending she doesn’t see my discomfort.  “That’s okay and I don’t mind you waking me up. You needed someone to talk too.”

“Not just that. I wanted to be here. I wanted you to be there. I missed you. I don’t have to pretend with you.”

My heart swells out to fill my chest and I’m smiling in the dark. “Because we’re friends.”

“Exactly.” She smiles back but I knew her heart wasn’t as full as mine felt.

I scrabble for the right thing to say. “I’m sorry you had a bad night.”

“I’m sorry you have too. How do you feel?”

I think about it before saying what’s on standby, ‘I’m fine’, exactly like Lissa did. “Sore but okay. It’s better now. I think it’s a good thing that Natalie found out.”

She turns on her side, her dress rustling under the covers. “I bet. It’s hard enough as it is and at least this way you get the three guys tripping over themselves to be nice to you. Three tough Guardians and the mention of a menstrual cycle and they become like little boys. Ridiculous.”

If I hadn’t dreamt it then Dimitri hadn’t acted like a child. Actually he had made the whole situation seem normal, like discussing anything typical. If it hadn’t been a dream but if it were real it didn’t change the topic we were discussing and that leaves me cringing.

“I’m embarrassed.”

“Because your tough and you wanted to handle it on your own. But you don’t have anything to be embarrassed about it, I promise.”

“Thanks. Are you…are you and Aaron going to be okay?”

“I don’t think so…and yano I think I’m relieved and I feel really guilty about it.”  Oh god she sounded like she was going to cry again. I scoot closer to her not knowing how I was meant to help. Was listening enough? How did I hug her lying down? “Everything that mattered last year doesn’t anymore and I’m not going to lie about it anymore.”

“Lying’s hard and everyone seems to get hurt that way.”

“Yeah.” She exhales. “Casualties all around.”

We lie there for a few minutes, letting the dark be our audience and minder to our own thoughts. It was nice being able to be quiet with someone. It was nice knowing they were comfortable with it too.

Lissa sighs. “I’ll fix it tomorrow.” She tucks her hands under her head and her eyes focus on me instead of her troubles. “So do you want to go back to sleep or do you want to eat?”

I don’t have to think about it. “I want to eat.”

Lissa grins. “I always need chocolate. That sounds so stereotypical but I mean I eat a serious amount of chocolate. I eat it with chips, fries, nutella sandwiches, add it to cookies, popcorn.” She wrinkles her nose. “I even put a Hershey in a burger once.”

I laugh. “That actually sounds good.”

“What do you want? Anything goes.”

I was pretty sure I could eat anything sweet…and salty…and crunchy. “A burger sounds amazing.” I’d never had one but if the adverts on TV made them look delicious.

Lissa sits up. “So let’s go get some.”

I frown. “We don’t have any or anything to make them with.”

Lissa grins. “So let’s go get some.” She rolls out of bed revealing the other half of her dress, a very short dress. It flared out from her hips like the black material was thick or layered underneath and the same emerald lace from the bodice lay over it. It stopped mid-thigh. “Coming?”

I stop staring at her legs. “Huh?”

She skips over to the door and suddenly the room is bright. How was she skipping in shoes that balanced on a stick at the heel? “I really want curly fries now.”

I squint at her as my eyes adjust. “Where are we going to get curly fries?”

“I think the closest place is an In-and-Out.”

I am seriously lost. She had very long legs. Lissa notices and looks down at herself. “Not exactly In-and-Out attire. Could I borrow some pjs?”

Lissa changes in the bathroom and I try to figure out what the hell her plan is. The worst part is I know it involves going downstairs. I was feeling very warm. The bathroom door swings open and Lissa puts her folded dress down by the dresser. She’d taken her hair down from its pins so it now sat in curls around her shoulders. She’d left her dark eye-makeup on.

“Do you want to put a jacket on? It’s not really cold outside.”

Outside? I shake my head.

“Alrighty.”

Lissa’s hands on the door handle when she notices I haven’t moved. “What?”

I look down at my lap. “There all downstairs.”

Lissa comes over and sits on my side of the bed. How could I go downstairs when my skin was just burning with the thought of it? “Who cares what they think? Rose, seriously. I’m pretty sure they were more worried than anything. No one’s laughing at you or anything.”

“I find it hard to believe Spiridon wouldn’t find some way to make a joke.”

“I’ll make you a deal. Spiridon makes a joke and I’ll kick him where it hurts.” She holds out her hand. “Deal?”

I raise an eyebrow. “You wouldn’t.”

Lissa’s hand lifts higher. “Wanna bet?” What if she did, wouldn’t I get in trouble for that? Wouldn’t she? “Nobody’s going to say anything.”

I take her hand and she shakes it once but doesn’t let go. Instead her grip is something I can’t get out of and she’s leading me to the door. “Be brave in the name of burgers. You won’t regret it.”

I better not. When we reach the stairs I’m gripping her hand back as she leads the way. Ben and Dimitri are in the living room. Dimitri has a book in his lap and Ben’s watching TV but looks up as we reach the foyer. I drop my gaze to the floor.

“We were wondering if someone could take us out for burgers?” Lissa says. “And snacks.”

I expect a deafening silence or a flat out refusal.

“Yeah sure.” Ben says, throwing the remote down. “Gives me a chance to get away from Dimitri’s _incessant_ chatter.” Dimitri regards him over his book. Ben throws out a hand. “Just doesn’t shut up.”

I can’t help but grin beside Lissa’s laughter.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Dimitri says, snapping his book shut. “The hour can make things precarious.”

“We only wanna go to In-and-Out and maybe the 24hr store.” Lissa says.

“Shouldn’t take more than an hour.” Ben confers with Dimitri. “The clubs in the city will still be open. We’ll be far from there.”

“Are you sure?”

“Dude I got this. I’ll just check it in with the boss.” Ben says, winking as he walks past us and heading up the stairs.

I squeeze Lissa’s hand. “Where are we going?”

“On an adventure.” She grins.

Behind her Dimitri watches us steadily. “We’re on the outskirts of Missoula. You’ll be going to the fringes of the city.”

I couldn’t hold his gaze. Seeing him made it clear that I hadn’t imagined earlier. I don’t think my imagination could depict him so perfectly. Despite this my heart rate is picking up, fear and excitement bubbling in my stomach. We were leaving the house. We were going somewhere to get something I’d only seen on a TV screen. I was leaving the house.

Dimitri wasn’t coming with us.

“All good.” Ben announces coming back down the stairs. He twirls keys around his fingers as he strides toward the door, Lissa following him with me in tow. He punches in the code and throws open the door. I look back at Dimitri as the world open up in front of me through the doorway.

“Be safe.” He says quietly as Lissa’s leads me out into the night.


	21. The Big wide World.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many people went nuts after this chapter for moronic reasons. Save yourself from that and read on :)

The temperature drops as the world welcomes me on the porch. It wasn’t cold but it wasn’t warm either. Had the sky always been that big? I almost miss the bottom step of the porch but right myself so I don’t fall into Lissa or knock us both over. I let her guide me down the stone path, her grip holding me to the ground and keeping the anxiety at bay. I hadn’t had this much freedom in weeks, this much freedom ever.

There were trees beyond the fence in Victor’s private garden and one tall oak within but none of those compared to giants that lined the other side of the drive. They could whisper to the stars, the stars that lived in an endless sky.

There’s a flashing as one of the Guardians cars wakes up. Ben approaches the animal and climbs into the driver’s seat. I expect Lissa to get into the one beside him but she opens the rear door and we climb in. I feel a bit like I’m dreaming or remembering a dream. I put my seat belt on as Ben brings the inside of the car to life. Music starts playing, banging drums and an electronic strumming.

“All buckled up?” Ben says over his shoulder as the car begins to purr.

“Yes.” Lissa sings back.                     

“Yo, you on?” Ben says and I notice he has his ear piece on. There’s a quiet hum as someone replies and I wonder who it is. I imagine having Dimitri being directly in my ear.  A tingle runs down my spine and I roll my shoulders.

“You okay?” Lissa says as the car begins to move, throwing my heart back against my ribs. I nod and she grins. “You’re going to love this.”

“Hell, I’m going to love this.” Ben grins.

I take Lissa’s hand again as the cars gets further away from the house. I’d been asleep on the way here but it seems I hadn’t missed a lot. The car eats up a road that’s well lit on either side but beyond the lights is a wall of trees and black shadows. I try not to think about what could be in the shadows. Upfront in the middle of the dashboard is a screen lit up green with a pulse emitting from the middle that grows out as a circle until it disappears off screen. Another pulse is born. 

“Are we still in the ward boundaries?” I say to no one in particular, I wasn’t even meant to say it aloud.

“Yup.” Lissa replies quietly.

“For about thirty more seconds.” Ben adds.

Lissa takes a sharp breath and I immediately loosen my grip. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay.”

Up ahead the light’s cut off and I try not to crush Lissa’s end as we speed toward it. We pass between the last sentry lights and for a moment the world is dark and unknowable. Then the car pulls left and a road opens up. There’s a concrete barrier on the right, separating us from a car going in the opposite direction, it was speeding away from the collection of concrete and lights and we were speeding toward it.

“Missoula.” I repeat with Dimitri’s voice in my ears.

Ben hums from the front seat and the rest of the drive is quiet bar the music playing. I zone out as I follow the singer’s voice and let the song paint pictures in my head.

“Wallmart or In-N-Out first?” Ben asks and I realize we’re on the brink of entering the city. I let go of Lissa’s hand to lean over and look out.

“Whatevers easier for you.” Lissa replies.

“Walmart it is.”

People started to appear on the streets. Not a lot of them and I remember humans slept through the night. What were these ones doing here? More begin to appear as we drive and then a building on a corner of a street is lit up with people inside drinking, eating, talking. Starbucks. The car veers away and my nose bangs against the window.

Lissa was grinning at me and I’m not even embarrassed, there isn’t time to be. We were approaching a store. It has huge white letters blazed against a blue backdrop and beneath the windows were lit up and showcasing everything inside. There were people inside, one, two, three –

Lissa and Ben unsnap their seatbelt and numbly I do the same.

Ben turns in his seat, his brown eyes kind. “Ready?”

I stare back at him. “You won’t leave me?”

“Couldn’t get rid of me if you tried kid.”

And in the ocean of numbness excitement breaks through. I grin and that’s their cue to get out. I take a deep breath as I open my own door and hop out.  Lissa’s by my side in an instant and Ben waits for us in front of the car, his eyes now alert and scanning the parking lot. Lissa leads the way to the front doors and Ben follows behind.

It is amazingly bright inside, almost too bright but it doesn’t matter because there is so much of everything.  Lissa’s hand keeps me anchored and I try to drink it all in. She picks up a metal basket and leads us past lanes lined with shelves. I try to read the labels and my heart skips when I recognise things we had at home. I had ordered them! I had ordered things from a place like this and they’d ended up in our kitchen. Bread, flowers, packaged fruit, jars and cans and-

We turn into an aisle filled with colour.  Lissa’s stride slows and I read some of the labels.

“Hersheys.” I utter, brown, cream and white packaging waving the same label at me. Cookies and cream? How could that be compacted together? How –

“A must.” Lissa says, dropping my hand to grab two of every packet. She throws it into the basket. “Get whatever you want or what grabs your attention. You’re not allergic to anything are you?”

“Oranges.” I say promptly, remembering the uncomfortable itchiness that ruled my mouth for two days.

“Okey dokey, no Butterfingers for you.”

There’s a rustle and we both look down at the basket where a bag of marshmallows have appeared.

“I’m sorry. I thought you were talking to me.” Ben says airily but there was a gleam in his eye. How cheeky.

“I was talking to both of you.” Lissa says and shakes her head as Ben holds out a green bill. “Do you think the others want anything?”

“Victor has to keep his sugar levels in check and Spiridon hyper would end in homicide.”

“What about Dimitri?”

“Oh he’s very particular.” Ben says vaguely, shooting me a wink as he moves past Lissa.

“What do you mean?”

“He doesn’t like American chocolate.” I say, scanning the shelves for the purple packaging. There weren’t any.

“The fiend.” Ben says over his shoulder.

Lissa looks between us both and I get the idea I’m on the inside of something for once. “Oookay.”

Ben and I exchange a grin then I go back to investigating the shelves. Peanutbutter and chocolate? Yes. I pick up the orange packet and self-consciously I put it into Lissa’s basket. She gives me an encouraging smile and holds up a white jar. “Do you like marshamallows?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well we’ll find out.” She says and puts the jar of fluff into the basket. It was almost half full.

“Do you want me to carry that?”

“Nah, I got it. Go look for stuff. We need to achieve sugar coma and I-never-want-to-eat-anything-again levels.”

Well that’s not something I thought I’d ever be told. I investigate the packets of M&M’s and then freeze as a stranger comes into the aisle, a human. I glance at Ben who gives the person a once over and then takes a subtle step closer to Lissa, a small step, and other than that he looks unperturbed.

The boy is older than me and Lissa and wearing a blue shirt with the shops logo on it. He looks tired and is completely uninterested in us. He doesn’t even notice I’m staring at him. I stiffen as he passes, my chest brushing against the rack. A weird smell takes over my nose and I grimace.

“Do you think he’s being sponsored to wear that cologne or it’s a personal choice?” Ben says quietly.

“That was terrible.” I say, my nose trying to straighten itself out.

“That was a teenage boy. You haven’t missed out on that much.”

Young master Ozera hadn’t smelled like that.I go back to the shelves and pick up a few things that grab my interest, like cake flavoured oreos. We move up the aisle where the packets change from chocolate to chips.   I’m reading the different flavours and trying to decide what ultimately will taste good but everything sounds good. BBQ rib, cheese, sour cream and onion (that I was curious about), flaming hot (hot was flavour?), steak, buffalo, prawn cocktail, salted…

Lissa grabs the huge bag of sour cream and onion. “These are so good.”

“Really?”

“Oh yeah.” She appraises the bag. “Thinking about it, it sounds nasty but it’s not.”

“I trust you.”

She grins. “Good. Now you choose.”

I grab the steak flavour. I’d never had steak. The basket was almost full and Ben offers to carry it. Lissa refuses again but he takes it from her anyway. I pick up a caramel bar.

We reach the end of the aisle and along the nearly empty back shelves are packaged baked goods.  I make a beeline to them and don’t catch what Ben says.

Cookies, chocolate muffins and maple pecan plaits. My mouth fills with salvia.

Lissa makes an unsatisfied noise as she comes up beside me. “Not a lot left seeing it’s four am.”

I make my tongue work. “Can we… can I…”

Lissa cuts me off with a simple, “Course.” She picks up the last packet of cookies, white chocolate and macadamia nuts, two maple pecan packets and one box of muffins.

My fingers itch to rip it open but instead I take the cookies so they don’t topple off her stack. Oh my god I can smell them. I feel faint.

“Can you think of anything else?” Lissa says, pushing her purse strap up onto her shoulder.

“A diet soda?” Ben suggests. “I think you have enough to feed an army of Dhampirs.”

“Oh we both know that is not true.” Lissa says. “You guys need trucks.”

“Okay so maybe one Dhampir and a Moroi…and maybe their Dhampir escort could get thrown a cookie.” 

“Maybe.” I say before I can help it. Lissa laughs and Ben makes a weird pouting face.

We make our way toward a low counter where an older woman sits, looking border than the boy before. A man gets to her before we do and put down his items. The surface of the counter moves and I miss a step. The woman starts making the items beep and pushing them toward the other end.

“$15.95” The woman sighs. The man hands over green bills and a part of the counter pops open. She puts in the money and takes out coins to hands back. It hits me.

“I don’t have any.” I say, my heart falling through my body and descending to the centre of earth.

“Any what?” Lissa asks, taking out her wallet as Ben starts unloading the basket.

I shift anxiously as the beeping starts. I was going to have to put it all back. “Money. I don’t have…”

Lissa waves her hand. “I got this.”

“But it’s not fair.”

“It’s my treat Rose, I got it.”

“I’m supposed to, I mean Victor said about, about wages but I don’t have –“

“Rose.” Lissa says halting my tirade. She slots a plastic card into small machine, like Dimitri had in Keith’s office. “I got it. You can pay me back by enjoying it.”

Well that seemed too easy. I run around Lissa to take one of the bags Ben has loaded before he can. He raises an eyebrow and I dare him to try and take it. We walk out of the too bright store and into the softness of the very early morning.

Ben pens the back of the car up and I resent having to let go of the bag. I almost make the argument that they might tip over back there but the storage bit of the car has small metal compartments erected on the floor to one side. They really thought of everything.  Ben puts the bags snugly into an empty space and I wonder what’s stored in the bags in the others. The floor back here was velt and I notice in the corner a bit is raised…it could lift I realize.

“Watch out.” Ben warns as he starts pulling down the door.

“What do you keep stored in there?” I ask, trying to keep my voice light.

Ben leans down and I resist the urge to move. “Weapons of mass destruction.”

“Like guns?”

“Cooler.” He winks and then nods his head signalling I should get into the car.

I slide back in beside Lissa who is playing with her phone, she looks annoyed.

“Are you okay?”

“Aaron.” She sighs. “He’s texting me jibberish, clearly he’s had too much to drink. I hope he doesn’t make an idiot out of himself in front of my parents.”

“Couldn’t…couldn’t Natalie ask him to behave? She’s hard to argue with.”

“That’s true.” Lissa says, grinning a little. “I’ll text her now. I don’t think she knows I’ve left.”

How many people were at this party that Natalie wouldn’t have noticed Lissa was gone? And the party was at her house.

“Do your parents know you’re gone?”

Lissa hums as she types. “I doubt it. A guardian will let them know if they bother to ask.”

Here was a dark place under her words, hidden in her tone, I didn’t want to pry it open and look.  Instead I look out at the passing buildings and sit up straighter when I take in the pillar of light, a blazing sign against the inky sky with an arrow to lead us. Ben drives toward it, getting extremely close until we’re coasting beside its walls. There’s a buzz as his window lowers and the cars stops.

I move to unbuckle my sit belt when a voice makes me jump. “Welcome to In-n-Out what can I get ya’ll?”

I lean over to see past Ben but there was nobody there.

“Hi. I’ll take one double-double meal with a large vanilla shake. A cheeseburger, a four by four, a grilled cheese and animal fries. Actually just give me another shake on top of that, small though.” Ben turns to us in the backseat. “What do you guys want?”

I stare back at him trying to process what’s happening whilst Lissa laughs.

“Is that all sir?” The voice says and I see its coming out of a box. What the hell. Like a huge telephone.

“Two seconds.” Ben replies.

“You okay with salad and stuff?” Lissa asks me and I merely nod, still staring at the box. Lissa sits forward. “We’ll take two double cheese burger meals with large fries. I’ll take coke and Rose do you want a shake or soda?”

Ben’s relaying her words to the box.

“What’s a shake?”

“Like an Ice-cream you drink.”

“I want one of them.” I say quickly and Ben chuckles.

“Vanilla, chocolate or strawberry?” He asks.

“Chocolate.” Duh.

He tells the box that too and the car starts rolling forward. A window appears outside Ben’s with a boy sitting on the other side. The seatbelt is cutting into my chest.

“That’s $32.80.” He tells Ben who’s dug out green bills from his back pocket.

“Ben.” Lissa says holding out one with ‘20’ stamped on its corners. He waves it away. Again I had nothing to offer.

The car rolls forward again to another window and dark coloured lady starts passing Ben bags out and a tray of drinks. He puts them into the passengers chair and passes Lissa the drink tray to hold.

The smell hits me. Oh my God.

“You two okay eating in the car?” Ben asks as the car moves away and approaches where other cars are parked.

“As long as you don’t mind your car smelling like burgers.” Lissa replies.

“I personally like the new burger smell. Just don’t get any ketchup on the seats.”

The car stops and I’m practically vibrating. Lissa hands me a large cup and the cold surprises me, it shouldn’t it was ice-cream after all. An ice-cream drink. I have to swallow my mouth has pooled with so much saliva. Lissa hands me a straw as Ben rifles through the bags that are omitting the smell of beef, melted cheese and what can only be described as the smell of fried food, the oil smell that candidly tells me something has been sizzled and will be too good to taste.

I stab the drink with the straw, forgetting to be polite or say thank you. At first nothing happens and my lips hurt with effort at sucking at what’s like a blocked air pipe. Ben is passing back boxes and French fries to Lissa who’s used one of the bags as a place mat for our meal.

“No gold kid?” Ben grins. I pout at him. Who needs a damned lid?

“Here.” Lissa pumps the straw up and down a few times. “Now try.” 

I ignore both her and Ben’s eye as I try again. It seemed a bit silly, trying to eat ice-cream through a straw-

**_OH. MY._ **

“Chin chin.” Ben says, holding up his own cup. It’s magical. It’s better than anything ever. It was what dreams were on hot days or early morning adventures. We’d found the gold, I had the gold.

“Rose, slow down.” Lissa says, tugging the cup down so the straw leaves my lips. I almost bat her away. “You have other things to eat here.”

I lift my chin and the beef and onions and cheese smells dance around my head. I take notice of what Lissa has been arranging on the make shift place mat between us.

I put the shake between my thighs. “Is…that’s for me?”

“Yup.” Lissa grins, popping a french fry into her mouth. “Those too.”

I assess the burger. It looked different than it did on TV or in pictures. Squished with escaping cheese between patty and bun. It is an absolute mess. It is glorious. And there’s a pocket of French fries that Lissa isn’t touching which must be mine too.

I felt like shouting ‘shut up’ like Monica. It didn’t make sense logically but it felt right.

“Eat up. Can’t hang out here all night.” Ben says from the front. I watch him fold over half a grilled cheese and shove it all in his mouth. I exchange a look with Lissa, which might have been timed better as she was trying to get her mouth around her burger. She starts giggling into it. Now she’s kind of stuck because she’s already bit into it but she’s laughing and can’t swallow. That just makes it funnier.

I spare laughing at her pick up a French fry of my own and nibble on it.

It was over. It was all over. I was sunk. I was going to have to live forever on fries and shakes and god knows what the burger was going to taste like. I was hooked, an addict. I’m not picking up one anymore but as many as I can graciously put in my mouth without dropping them or looking like an animal. Which might be okay, I’d look like I was in Ben’s herd anyway.

“Shunk yoer eyes into da sheke. Ver gud.” The pack leader says from the front.

“Uh, pardon?” Lissa asks, licking cheese off her finger.

Ben swallows and his cheeks go back to normal size. “I said, dunk your fries into your shake. It’s good.”

“How do you not have heart disease?” Lissa laughs.

“I’m a Dhampir, practically indestructible. Well, from acquiring a gut and catching a cold.”

“It tastes like sweet pastry.” I conclude, having done as he said. “It’s good.”

“I am wise in many things.”

“Culinary expert of fast food chains.” Lissa adds nodding.

Ben waves a French fry around in a regal wave making us both laugh. I pick up my burger, handling it like the precious mess it is.

I’m about to bring it to my mouth when I stop. “Guys, please don’t watch me.”

“You watched me.” Lissa argues, wiping ketchup off her chin. If she couldn’t eat it graciously there was no hope for me.

“It’s a big moment.” Ben says, casting a glance to his green screen which was still on.

Defiantly I turn toward the window and try and get my mouth around it. It was a bit nerve wrecking, the bottom was in danger of falling out, it was so messy, the light sheen of grease made me worry it was going to slip out of my hands and yet… it was the best thing ever. The burger meant I couldn’t speak to gush a right amount of praise so my body finds another way to voice appreciation. I moan loudly, catastrophically loud to my own ears, and I’m too buried in taste that I don’t even care.  I don’t even care for Ben’s chuckle or whatever Lissa says. I don’t care about anything but the food. I enter a trance where the food is all that exists and I only come out of it when it’s nearly all gone and stomach is starting to sound its alarm bells.

Somehow, Ben is finished before the both of us.

“That’ll be an hour around the lake tomorrow with Belikov.” He says under his breath.

“Two.” Lissa corrects and ten puffs out, “I can’t eat anymore.”  She puts down the last of her burger in defeat. I debate asking her for it. Instead I put the straw back in my mouth. My stomach was close to bursting, it didn’t need more burger. Ice-cream was okay because it’s liquid and liquid fits into all the small spaces left.

Lissa passes all the trash to Ben and he gets out of the car to take it to the garbage can.

“Better than pizza?” Lissa says, dabbing a napkin around her mouth. I point to my chin to indicate the splodge of ketchup she’s missed. “Still there?” I nod and she sticks out her tongue trying to reach it. A vang gleams under her lip. It hits me in a wave, a bout of vertigo, how surreal my life has become. Sitting in the back of a Guardian’s car with a Moroi who made me laugh by acting like a total goon and it felt right.

“Have I got it?” Lissa says through her giggle, still wiping at her chin.

I push away from the path my mind wants to go down. “You got it.”

“I think Ben’s fallen victim to that woman’s desire.”  Lissa points out the window.

I follow her line of sight and see Ben’s been cornered at the trashcan by a woman in very tight clothes. Her top and short skirt are a second skin, the only indication that she isn’t naked was the skirt was black and shiny and her thin top was the brightest shade of pink. She was also wearing shoes taller than Lissa’s had been, they were chunky and looked like they could be used as a weapon.

“Her shoes look dangerous. Is he safe?”

“Oh I don’t know. Drunk girl see’s hot guy, they can get pretty determined.” Lissa contemplates wickedly. “But I think Ben can hold his own. I mean, he does date Miss Karp on top of being a Guardian so.”

“Miss Karp?”

“Yeah, she’s a teacher at my school.” Lissa explains, grinning as she watches Ben’s growing discomfort.  “She’s a bit…eccentric.”

I mull that over. “Is her forename Sonya?”

Lissa looks away from the window. “Yeah, how’d you know that?”

I pick at my pj bottoms and hope it doesn’t sound like I’m a nosy eavesdropper…even though that’s the case. “He was talking to Dimitri about her.”

Lissa looks interested. “What about?”

Now I was a little uncomfortable. “Um, children I think.”

“Wow. I didn’t think they were that serious.” She says. “Kids…I wonder will he stop working for Uncle Victor then.”

I didn’t know why I was being pulled into this when I felt funny about it but I liked knowing things nobody else did for once. “He doesn’t want to leave and that’s what they were fighting about.”

Lissa hums. “He has a really good job. Lots of Guardian’s would kill for it.”

“There are more women.”

Lissa looks out at the small group that have cornered Ben. He was pressed up against the trashcan and it was clear he was trying to negotiate with them, taking small steps to the side to get around them. They were talking and laughing loudly but I had no idea what they were saying.

“We might have to call for reinforcements.” Lissa muses. “I wonder how Dimitri would handle himself. Alcohol would definitely be in their favour.”

Ben now seems to be laughing with them, his expression plastic as he slowly detangles himself. I wonder should I get out and help. How could I help?  They were very loud. “What do you mean?”

“He’s gorgeous but he has that scary as hell resting face down to a T.”

I laugh and Lissa’s head whips around. “What?”

“Natalie thinks he’s scary too.”

“You don’t?”

I shrug. “He can look like it but he’s not when you speak to him.” He wasn’t scary in ways I can explain to Lissa or to myself.

“Yeah, he’s pretty decent.” Lissa concludes. “He’s a good guy, they all are. Victor’s always been good at reading people.” She smiles and I’m about to disagree with her on the grounds Spiridon was like a six year old with a smart mouth and killer skills when she adds, “But sadly ladies, both the good guys are taken.”

I shove Spiridon out of my mind. “What do you mean?”

“Ben, Sonya.” Lissa says, weighing them together in a way I understand and then she tips the scale by adding. “Dimitri, Tasha.”

I blink. “What?”

Lissa opens her mouth to explain the riddles she’s talking in when there’s a movement on the screen up front. A little box has popped up.

_‘Nest exterminated in Estonia. 18. Evidence of Circle activity. Zemy is on the move. Get back immediately._

_-S.’_


	22. The truth will set you free

I’ve just about read the last word when the box zips down to the bottom corner and sits in a blinking little box.

“What the hell is ‘Zemy’?” Lissa says. She starts forward between the gap of the front seats and I yank her back. “Rose –“

The driver’s door opens and Lissa jumps.

“Those women are complete rockets.” Ben says as he throws himself into his seat. “They’ve been drinking for two days. College reunion or something.”

Me and Lissa wear matching plastic smiles. Ben’s making a joke about ‘Vin Disealing’ away or something when he notices the little box. I expect him to tap it so it opens again and we’d have another chance to read it, an excuse to maybe ask about it. I know Lissa is thinking the same thing. Ben does tap the screen but the box disappears and the phone he’s pulled from his pocket vibrates. 

Lissa’s shoulders drop and I sink back against the seat. He’d sent the message to his phone.

“Seatbelts on.” Ben orders, changing the air inside the car immediately.

I scramble to get mine on as Lissa asks if everything’s okay. She sounded far too sweet but I don’t really have time to think about it because I have to stop my face being plastered against the passenger seat as the car flies backwards.

“We’ve spent too long out here.” Ben replies as we exit In-N-Out’s car lot. I just about keep my shake upright.

We zip through the streets in silence, some signs and places looking familiar. It doesn’t really interest me as much as before, not when the chocolate ice-cream is in what seems like a never ending supply. My stomach is protesting but I don’t care.

“What’s the circle?” Lissa asks suddenly.

I stop sucking on my straw and the chocolate shake sticks in my throat. Ben’s eyes flash in the mirror but between the passing lights and the darkness inside the car I may have imagined it.

“Nothing you need to be concerned about.”

I almost here the wind whistle through Lissa’s flared nostrils but her voice is steady. “The nest in Estonia, was it the one responsible for the raid?” Ben’s knuckles tighten on the wheel. I take a nervous sip of my drink. “It was wasn’t it?”

“My private emails are not your concern.”

“Strigoi nests are my concern. They’re everybody’s concern.” Lissa argues.

“Not when they reside thousands of miles away. You have no business reading my private messages.” Ben’s voice is cold and empty, nothing like him at all.

“We didn’t mean to read it. It just came up on the screen.” My voice is too small and a pathetic in her defence.

“And what is ‘zemy’?” Lissa adds.

“That’s enough.” Ben snaps and even Lissa leans back. Her lips press together in a hard line and I hope she keeps them that way, sealed. You don’t push Guardians. Ben sighs heavily and then says in a calmer voice. “Don’t ask me questions you know I can’t answer.”

“We deserve to know.” Lissa says under her breath.

“I don’t dispute that.” Ben replies a minute later.

The rest of the way home is quiet with the exception of the radio, which Ben turns up to try and stifle the tense silence. I finish my shake by the time we hit the long stretch of road. Lissa is typing away on her phone.  I pick mine up just to have something to do, Natalie explained that was one use of a phone, to pretend you had something to in awkward situations. This qualified as awkward I think but I’m more than surprised when there’s an alert on the screen telling me I had messages.

Only Lissa or Natalie ever messaged me and considering Lissa was right beside me it had to Nat.

_U ok? Xoxo_

_Is Lissa with u? xoxo_

_Comin bk soon xoxo_

_U R NOT HERE._

I’m about to type out a reply when the phone vibrates with a new message.

_Pls get mini cheese crackers xoxo_

I laugh and it sounds odd inside the car, rude almost. Ben looks up at the mirror and away again. The car veers off the long road and into the woods.

“Did you get the cracker text too?” Lissa asks quietly, the lights lining the private road darting in and out of the backseat. I nod and she rolls her eyes in good humour.

The house comes into full view and Ben parks the car. We all unbuckle our belts and he turns in his seat. “Don’t mention what you read, okay? It will just serve to get us all in trouble.” Lissa returns his question with a steady gaze and I pray she doesn’t start arguing. Ben must sense the same danger because he gently adds, “Please.”

“Fine.” Lissa sighs and gets out.

Ben looks at me.

“I won’t say anything.” I won’t get you into trouble.

He shouldn’t have showed it but he looks relieved. I get out of the car feeling sorry for Ben because it was becoming more and more obvious that he was the weakest link out of the three men. That or he is extremely unlucky. I hope Lissa keeps her word.

I take a bag from Ben without asking and we make our way back to the house, the door already open and waiting as Lissa had gone ahead. I look up at the lightening sky, the stars fading into sleep, wondering how long it will be before I’m out in the open again. The ceiling of the porch pushes into my vision and I climb the steps into the house.

The warmth was welcoming and I don’t think I’ve ever been so relieved to be stepping inside. Immediately my eyes travel the foyer into the living room and find Dimitri. His gaze had already been waiting for mine. I think his shoulder drop a fraction of an inch in relief, I think.

The door closes behind me with a beep breaking the reunion and then Lissa appears in the kitchen entry cradling a large bottle of soda under her arm and holding two glasses.

“I’ll grab that one.” She says, not looking at Ben as she reaches for the bag.

“Did you clear out the candy section?” Dimitri asks, but he was looking over our heads at Ben with hardness in his eyes.

“I’m easing Rose into it, we will next time.” Lissa replies, balancing the items in her arms and nodding toward the stairs.

“Gimme that.” Ben murmurs, taking the empty cup from my hands.

“Next time then.” Dimitri says. “Ben can you come down to the garage? Natalie’s upstairs girls.”

“Yeah we know.” Lissa throws over her shoulder as she starts up the staircase. “C’mon Rose.”

I hesitate then with a murmur of thanks to Ben I follow her up to my bedroom. Natalie is sitting on my bed, gold dress pooled around her with a look of concentration on her face. I spot the black remote in her hands and then a loud, unfamiliar voice erupts behind the door making me jump and Natalie grin.  She spots us in the doorway.

“It about time you guys got back! Look what Spiridon set up.” She flings out her arm to the source of the noise and I peer around the door.

“Spiridon put a TV on my wall?” Who had made him do that?

“Uh huh. Hooked up Netflix and everything, well, he started to but he got a message that put everyone’s panties in a twist.”

I kick the door shut with my foot and set my grocery bag down on the bed where Lissa is unloading all the sugary treasures from her bag. She glances at me as she asks, “What was the message about?”

“As if they’d tell me.” Natalie replies uninterested until she notices Lissa’s activity and then she perks up. “Ooooh you got all the goodies!”

“You should go change into your PJ’s and then we can hash out and marathon a show.” Lissa suggests, although it sounds more like an order wrapped up as suggestion. She’s still really annoyed at Ben and it makes me uneasy.

I help Natalie off the bed so she doesn’t rip any folds of gold and she sweeps out of the room. Lissa is unnecessarily organising the treats on the bed.

“Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

She begins to say fine but stops and takes a deep breath. She turns to face me and sits down. I try not to think about my favourite thing in the world, my bed, is entertaining potentially all my other favourite things in the world. “No. I hate that they lie to us under the pretence that’s it’s about keeping us sae or ignorance is bliss or that we wouldn’t understand. Things are happening out there, big things, and they won’t tell us what they are. I just have the feeling that we’re all going to be ignorant until something goes go really wrong and we won’t be prepared or ready.”

I weigh that up. “But that’s not Ben’s fault.”

Lissa looks down at the Oreos. “Yeah I know it’s not his fault.”

“He has orders.”

“The last time things went really wrong was because people were following someone else’s orders.” She huffs. “We should know everything…we should, I don’t know, be prepared or something.”

It’s silent for a few moments and I pick through the number of things I want to ask. I settle on, “Are you going to tell Natalie about the message?”

“She wouldn’t really care, I don’t think or she’d ask Victor about it in an around about way thinking it was subtle.” She smiles a little imagining Natalie trying to pry out some secret information. “I googled Zemy in the car, all that came up was diety stuff which didn’t make sense.”

I sit down beside her, pulling my cuffs down over my knuckles and ignoring that familiar nip at my ribs. “Is it…is it really important to know? Sometimes we’re safer not to know the truth about everything and I think Victor…and your parents would do anything to protect you and Natalie. They aren’t going to tell you things that might only serve to scare you and make what could be easy days become ones where you’re worrying about things beyond your control. I don’t think you should worry so much about not knowing because one day you might know everything like them and have to bear it all.”

Lissa considers this. “That makes sense…”

I cross my legs tightly. What I’d just described had been my life until coming here. Living under a cloud of fear of things I didn’t understand and was afraid to. Then my mother explained, let the cloud pour down over me so I was constantly sodden. Fear clung to me, became a part of my anatomy so whenever a Guardians eyes lingered to long, whenever I woke up without restrictions on my chest or heard the shuffle of the masters shoes on the barn floor that part of me would start to sing. The past few days that part of me hadn’t been singing but wailing.

“You’re better not knowing things until absolutely necessary. When you know the truth about everything there’s no hiding from it.”

Now Lissa looks troubled, her green eyes trying to see through my skin.

“Time to hash it all out!” Natalie declares, bursting back into the room and throwing the door closed behind her. She bounds forward and throws herself over the bottom rail and lands on the bed, causing candy bounce upwards. “You first. Where and when and why did you leave?”

Grammatically that was terrible but luckily language could be something you just needed to get the jist of what was meant and not what was actually said I was learning. Lissa scoots further into the bed and I tuck my legs up. I try not to eye up the birthday cake Oreo too much but my palms are itchy and I have to thread them together.

“I got a migraine.” Lissa says, the lie leaving her lips easily. I go back to staring at the Oreo, the chips, twizzles, cookies, Ben’s marshmallows. “And listening to Camille talk about Cannes constantly wasn’t helping. Sorry to bail.”

Natalie doesn’t miss a beat. “I thought it was because you and Aaron had an argument.”

Now I can’t help but look between them. Natalie looking at Lissa intently, no anger, expression just smooth with focused eyes and then Lissa looking back completely caught by surprise. Maybe I could take an Oreo and retreat under the bed.

Lissa sighs. “Who told you? Is everyone talking about it?”

Natalie crosses her legs, her pj bottoms are overrun by pink bunnies in a yellow world. “Aaron had a bit too much to drink. Jesse’s special mix.” She rolls her eyes and reaches for some candy. Could we eat now? My stomach still feels close to splitting and under my top I could feel where it had ballooned out more. It made the bandages even more uncomfortable, nearly unbearable. “He was talking to Mason and…Mia of all people when I found out you were gone. Can you believe she crashed? I knew she would. The desperate little hoe-”

“Aaron was talking to Mia about me?” Lissa demands.

Natalie tears a packet open with her teeth, her vangs making her look like an animal. “Mason was trying to get him to drink water on the patio and reason with him. From what I heard it was just him drunkenly going on about how much he loves you and you’ll never understand how much.”

I sense Lissa’s guilt even though it’s not on her face. “So what was Mia doing there?”

Natalie’s nose wrinkles above the lollypop stick in her mouth. She pulls it out with a pop. “What she normally does? Sticks to boys like a postet when their slightly vulnerable. She was just cooing and giving the whole ‘your such a nice guy, if she doesn’t realise that blah blah blah.’ I told her to go crawl back into Tyler’s bed. Mason got Aaron into a car and sent him back to the villas.” She reaches for the Oreo packet and my heart sinks. With a flick of her wrist she tosses it to me. “Don’t be shy Rose. So is that what happened? He said he loved you and you left him in no man’s land?”

Lissa reaches for the pastry packet. “It’s not a war. I just…I’m not sure anymore.”

“Yeah that’s not a war. You just shot him in the head.” Lissa face slackens and she looks dead eyed at her friend. “Heart rather.”

“Gee thanks Nat.”

“Well you know how sensitive he is.”

“Yeah I know.” Lissa mutters and then sinks her teeth into the pastry.

“That wasn’t even the height of the drama BTW.” Natalie says around her lolly, looking between me and Lissa. “Mia I expected to crash with her little posse because 1. She’s a social climbing loser and 2. She’d hate having to hear all about how great it was rather than how much she’d hate being there.” She rants and I tear open my Oreo packet. I was trying to picture this girl that they disliked so much and piece together why they felt that way then I could avoid ever doing the same.  My teeth sink into the large cookie and bliss erupts in my mouth.

“If you stopped caring so much about her you’d probably add years onto your life.” Lissa recommends.

Natalie jabs her lollypop in Lissa’s direction. “Uh, have you forgotten the puddle incident, the snow incident, the rumours about us blood whoring? She’s like a snake I have to stamp on until it dies and not to mention not three hours ago she was vulturing around your boyfriend. If Mason wasn'’t there she probably would have black widowed him.”

“I really don’t think you realise what you’re saying half the time.” Lissa muses.

“I don’t understand.” I add.

“Black widows have sex with their men then kill them.” Natalie explains to me.

I turn to Lissa. “She wants to kill your boyfriend? Aaron?”

“No. She wants to kill Natalie.” Lissa replies.

“Why?”

“Because I’m fabulous and have everything she doesn’t. Plus she looks thirteen.”

“You’ll want to kill her for looking younger in twenty years.”

“God forbid she’s still in my social sphere in twenty years.”

“Her family do live at court.”

“So she says.”

“Whatever. What was the scandalizing drama then? What topped my relationship bust up and potential love triangle?”

I’m polishing the crumbs off my fingers when Natalie dramatically whispers to Lissa. “Christian Ozera.”

I bite down on my finger and wince. My reaction is lost under Lissa’s exclamation of, “WHAT?”

 My blood stops flowing in my veins and my heart is a dull thud in my ears. I have the strangest urge to run across the hall and through the neighbouring door.

“Why the hell was he crashing? Seriously? Who with? Oh my god, were his parents there?”

Natalie is shaking her head but grinning smugly, clearly enjoying Lissa’s reaction. “No. He turned up with his aunt but like, he was hanging out with the guys within ten minutes like they’d known each other for ages.”

“Boys are like that though.” Lissa says and fixes Natalie a look. “Non-judgemental or suspicious of each other.”

“What are you saying?” Natalie says innocently, the lollipop poised between her teeth.

“I just described the race of high school girls is all.” Lissa shrugs, reaching for a Hershey bar. I am still frozen and even the dipping movement of the bed doesn’t jostle me.

Young master Ozera. Young master Ozera. Christian Ozera. Christian Ozera was at Lissa’s house. He was close. He was so close. There were no longer thousands of miles between me and the past, no stretch of space that let me believed the place was gone. The nightmare was following me.

What if he came here?

“Rose, you look like you’re gonna hurl.” Natalie says looking wary.

I swallow. “Just, too much …food.”

“Take a breather.” She replies and takes the candy bar I’d selected to be victim to my greed from my numb fingers. “Do you want some water?”

“Maybe you should lie down.” Lissa says worriedly. “It might have been too much too soon.”

“No.” I whisper and painfully push a smile onto my face. “I’m okay.”

Lissa pulls her concerned gaze away to Natalie. “So what were they doing there? He’s always late to join the school year and like…hates everyone. Did he try to set the place alight? Remember what he did at prom?”

A dark look comes over Natalie’s face. “Yeah, how could I not? I spent hours arranging those damn balloons to make them look like they were trickling down over the hall. Kirova thought someone was shooting up the place!”

Lissa shakes her head in revulsion. “He just has to be anti-everything. So what was he doing there?”

“Well Mason told me that Christian told Jesse that he was living with his aunt now because his parents were going to court. Who would even want them there? Freaks who live in the dessert, no wonder Christian’s bizarre…”

Lissa hums as she thinks. My heart slowly is quieting, there chatter ebbing my fear. It was clear they didn’t like him, didn’t really know him, didn’t see him a lot. He wouldn’t come here.

“So…he’s living with Tasha.” Lissa mulls over. “Well she’s seems…normal. Well every time I’ve spoken to her. She’s actually quite funny and down to earth.”

“Daddy says she’s a revolutionary. Whatever that means.”

“She wants to use magic to fight, that’s what Andre told me he heard my dad say.”

Natalie taps her lolly against her teeth. “So, she is a bit mad then. No exposer to sunrays to defend her.”

Lissa frowns. “It’s not mad.”

Natalie points her lolly at Lissa. “In your opinion.”

Lissa goes rigid and I can see her swallowing whatever argument she was chewing on. Why did she do that? Hold back and not tell people what she really thinks or feels? Natalie was her friend…

Lissa exhales. “Maybe that’s why she and Dimitri are together. Fire creates passion and a challenge for him.” She breaks off a piece of chocolate and pops it into her mouth, grinding a bit too much.

My ears perk up and I dare not to breathe, I need this conversation to follow the same thread. I don’t know why but I need to know, I need to know like I needed…to open another candy bar.

 Natalie cocks her head and an indignant expression wrinkles her face. “Dimitri and Tasha aren’t together.”

Now Lissa looks confused. “But I saw them at court once, he was laughing and their arms were linked.”

“Ooooh how kinky.” Natalie laughs and Lissa flushes.

“Well…” Lissa scrambles around for something to say and surprisingly I feel light, despite having consumed pounds and pounds worth of food.  Natalie was mocking her right? That meant she found it ridiculous right? “They looked close and anyway, how would you know? You couldn’t remember his sister’s names.”

“Daddy has lists.” Natalie whispers with a glimmer in her eye. “Of everyone and who they are acquainted with. Relationship statuses, family trees, interactions etc.”

Lissa blinks. “Why the hell does he have that? Where?”

Natalie is practically giddy. “On his computer! I hacked it just before Ben went absolutely ape shit with his hacker protective crap. I think they actually thought someone else had been in there. Kind of a compliment if you think about it.”

Lissa is still astounded. “But why?”

“Well if you think about it it’s quite smart. They do say success comes from who you know and now daddy knows who everybody knows. How do you think I found out about Karp and Ben before our holiday?”

Lissa is absorbing all this, so am I but I only understand pieces. Lists of people? Of what people? His Guardians were on it, his employees. Was I on it? What did it say about Dimitri?

“I thought you’d been listening in on calls or something.” Lissa mumbles and then acuteness returns to her face as she focuses. “So there’s this list and it says what? Dimitri Belikov single?”

“Basically. Although it does say under Tasha’s name under ‘close friends’ and in brackets ‘she is interested’” Natalie reveals, laughter infecting her voice before she finishes her sentence. “Imagine trying to make a chart of everyone at school. Oh my God Spiridon’s dating history is crazy, you would not believe-“

Interested? Interested in what? What was there to be interested in? Dimitri was interesting though, especially when he allowed you to peek through the doors he closed. Did she find him interesting because he had opened the door for her? He wouldn’t even let me see his bedroom. I’ve been carried off in this wave unanswerable questions that I’ve completely missed their conversation. And I’ve eaten my candy bar. I reach for the opened cookies.

“That is disgusting.” Lissa cringes. “Both sisters? On the same night?  Vladimir above… I can’t even picture it. Yano, Guardian’s having… social lives. That’s bad right?”

“Don’t ask me. I’m grateful I can’t imagine Spiridon banging the Voda twins.”

Lissa squirms. “And your dad knows! How would he even? Spiridon must have told him.”

Natalie grins wider. “All about who you know…and who you’ve banged it seems. What’s funnier is the heading is ‘has been intimate with’ or something and Spiridon had about a page and the other two have like three. No Ben has three, Dimitri has one.”

“And it’s not Tasha?” Lissa pries and now I’m squirming. Intimate? Intimate? I cringe so hard my skin almost comes off.

“Nah.” Natalie answers, reaching for the bag of chips. “Some Russian gal. So…you and Aaron-“

Lissa holds up her hands, throwing up a barrier to the subject. I wish she could throw up a barrier to my train of thought. “I don’t want to talk about. Really. I’ll talk to him tomorrow and let you know…or yano, the whole school will get back to you.”

Natalie rolls her eyes. “It was party, you know their like vultures for gossip and Mia’s going to try her damned hardest to be a part of it.”

“Don’t waste your time worrying about her.” Lissa advises, unfolding her legs and making empty wrappers crinkle. “She’s not worth it.”

“I don’t worry about her.” Natalie says. “I pity her and think I need to do her a grand favour by killing her social life before she hurts herself.”

Lissa grins, shaking her head. “So, what show should we get Rose addicted to first?”

They both turn to me grinning, unaware that I feel like I’ve lived through the world shaking for the past few minutes.


	23. While the innocent sleep.

I jerk the mouse and the black screen jumps awake to show the nightmare. Ben’s only reaction is to inhale deeply as the pictures assault his eyes, after the initial shock he’ll start breaking them down and absorbing the facts. He’ll move past the marble face and was screaming in agony, as if seeing the hell that awaited it. He’ll look closer at the mangled limbs, charred faces and look for clues. Because that’s what we did. We didn’t have time to revel in the horror of it all.

“The nest was in an abandoned mine. Deep enough into the forest but close enough to main road for easy prey. Thirty miles south of the school.”

“The missing humanities teacher.” Ben says, pointing to a corpse.

“All of the missing is there, either strigoi or dead from their feedings, kept as livestock. Bar two…they could have gotten away before or during the attack.”

“Or?” Ben prompts, expanding the image bigger to look Zmey’s signature emblazoned on the wall. It had been drawn in strigoi blood but most likely with a rag or something alike, not freehand…he wouldn’t leave fingerprints as clues. It was simple, like a child could draw, a flattened out heart shape for the head, two dots for eyes, and a solid body of blood coiled beneath it. A circle of red to encompass it, a barrier, a symbol of his followers, a circle to protect the snake in the centre.

“Or…they were taken.”

“Names?”

“Mikhail Tanner, Guardian posted at the school, and Bree Sanders, Moroi teacher. We don’t know what their status is. There isn’t any sign… not in the report anyway.”

If they were strigoi they’d have been taken to wrangle information out of, most likely, and then they’d experience what The Circle had shown to be what they considered penance for the undeads crimes. They’d turn up in a worse state than the pictures we are currently looking at. If they were human then it will be even harder to find traces of them.

“Tanner is well experienced and highly skilled and qualified. Sander’s teaches Moroi culture and history.”

“You think they’ve been initiated?”

“I think they’ll have been given that choice if their human.”

Ben’s zooms out and slides the next image assaults the screen. An aerial shot of a corpse, a girl, lying like a broken doll on blackened rocks, her bare legs were powdered with soot where the flesh wasn’t charred or blotched with red. Ivika, fourteen years old, deceased. Primary cause a broken neck, other injuries broken ankle and sever blood loss. I turn away from the screen to remind myself of my own surroundings and not to get sucked into the rage that was spitting in my soul.

“Jesus Christ.” Ben breathes, getting pulled into it, into emotions, into hell.

I clap his should and he jerks. I take the mouse from him and bring up the short written report. “Voda sent this. His contact reported it and thankfully he isn’t petty enough to not send it on.”

“We’re the only ones that know about this right now? Besides Voda?” Ben asks, snapping back to formality.

“Supposedly.” I mutter and step back to let Ben read what I have re-read five times.

“This contact…he just got tipped to go to this place?” Ben asks, scepticism dripping from his voice.

“Again, supposedly. They were sent co-ordinates and told there was a message to deliver.”

“Well, if you want to send a message I suppose you need a messenger.” Ben utters, scanning down the rest of the article. “They could know he would be reporting it through to us.”

“Victor thinks so. A controlled leak. They aren’t trying to go completely public yet… if they wanted to they could have contacted the school.”  

“So they’re saying we know you know we’re active?” Ben says, closing the files and going back to the images. Those I didn’t need to go over again, they were burned in to my mind. All the bodies, half eaten by fire or dismembered.

Ben sits back. “It being a controlled leak, how do we know that our source isn’t part of thee source?”

“I thought that. If they know we were inquiring, asking questions and scouting in the eastern regions for more signs of them why not contact us directly? They control what we find so we only know what they want us to know. And how likely is it that they ventured, alone, into an abandoned mine after an anonymous tip. ”

Ben hums, his mind running elsewhere, sorting through theories and facts. I hit the keyboard so the file closes.

“This source contacts Voda saying he’s been hearing whispers of The Circle, may have leads and suddenly is sent directions to discover this…” Ben weighs out, “They’re a pawn or a part of it. What does Victor want to do?”

He straightens up to look at me demanding all of my attention and pulling back the part of my mind that was wondering away.

“We leave for Estonia soon. Victor wants to give Natalie time to pack and organise with Eric, he’s going to hold Victors place at the council meeting.”

“Are the girls staying with Rhea?”

“Rhea’s seeing Andre across country to college. The girls will go to campus.”

“Natalie is going to freak out.”

I grin slightly. “Victor’s already started rehearsing how to put it.”

“God be with him. So, weapons?”

I nod, “We don’t know what we’re going to run into so we’re not packing lightly.”

Ben snatches up a black sports bag from underneath the desk and leads the way over to his other work station and storage lockers.

“What are we expecting to run into?”

“Victor wants a meeting with the elusive source; we’re waiting for a response. Otherwise he wants to see the site for himself.”

He had been unlocking the metal cabinet that hosted our supply of stakes but the key doesn’t complete the turn in the lock. Openly distress sits on his features and frame. He wasn’t as reinforced as Spiridon or I, he was made of material that could yield under emotion. Knowing I could be seeing the images on the screen in life, no longer confined and raw to my senses, in less than seventy two hours made bile boil in my stomach. But I could control it, shut it down, push it back and become stone. As could Spiridon. But Ben would feel it. Maybe he could wait outside, surveillance, or…

I pull out a drawer housing blades and scan them. “We couldn’t bring Rose with us for that. Out of the question.”

“Rose?” Ben repeats surprised.

“Yes. We can’t leave her alone and she can’t go to the school.” I pick up a dirk and it winks at me under the light. Ben opens the locker beside me. “She’s coming with us.”

Ben passes me a stake. “Out of the frying pan, into the fire and on to an inferno. It’s not fair to her at all.”

I sheath the dirk and attach it to my belt. “What do you think she knows of life being fair? And she’ll hardly find that here.”

“I wonder,” Ben says as he stocks the bag with wire, rope, stakes and blades. All things we had hidden in our cars but we would hardly be bringing them. “If she’ll break at some point. All that trauma needs an outlet.”

I resist the urge to look up at the ceiling as if I’ll somehow be able to see through it. “You said it yourself, she was born into fire. It will take a lot more to break her.” And I’m willing to bet you would fissure before she did.

I throw up a wall at that train of thought. I didn’t want to think of Ben as weaker than the skinny orphan upstairs and I didn’t want to think about what would have lead her be made of stronger stuff. Knowing all the things Ben has seen, what we have seen and heard and experienced together, I didn’t want to think about what Rose has seen.

“Going to the site isn’t a good idea.”

“I agree.” It was a stupid idea. To go poking around a nest not knowing and unable to know if it was home to Strigoi that hadn’t been fortunate enough to have been put out of their misery by The Circle. We should just call it in anonymously to the Guardian quarter and let them start investigating and let them put those souls to rest. To think they were still lying there surrounded by rotting strigoi…it’s so wrong.  I couldn’t completely understand why Victor wants to witness it for himself.

“But” Ben sighs. “If there is some magic residue left over we’ll hopefully be able to tell how many Moroi they had.”

“True.” I utter, interest pulling me away from the numbness surrounding the thoughts of the dead. “Fire was obviously used.”

“And air. The nest will have been deep down so to keep the fire burning they would have needed the oxygen.”

“That amount of control…the precision…”  The awe in his train of thought mirrors my own. Tasha had been working for some time on controlling her own element and while she was good there was no way in hell she was close to a field test.

“How do you see this playing out?” Ben suddenly asks after minutes of silence. “Us, The Coalition, a magic wielding vigilante group and a strigoi army practically being built across the water.”

I check the battery life on the UV stunner, a cheeky little invention of Ben’s that could temporally blind an enemy. Enough time to strike or run. I put it into the small compartment of the bag. “Us we take it day by day. We’ll help Victor organise some sort of order. The magic wielding vigilante group as you put it, could go on scrapping with Strigoi and get wiped out or put a good enough dent in for us to take care of the rest… and the Strigoi. The Strigoi we’ll need to move against soon before they take us out in a wave. Unless Nathan’s strength is greatly exaggerated which we can all hope for.” 

“I pray for it.” Ben murmurs. “I can finish packing. You should get your head down.”

I’m about to argue when I recognise the pulsing behind my eyes. “Are you sure?”

“Positive.”

I nod. “Check in with Victor when you’re done?”

“Will do.”

I pass the slumbering cars, touching the patent black surface of the jag as my mind pulls up another case of business and naturally it has nothing to do with me.

I turn and call back to Ben, “Don’t forget. You had a personal day planned.”

I hear him sigh from across the garage space and I head for the stairs.

The dining room lights are low embers, creating shadows around the rest of the ground floor.  Disorientating to think that beyond the wall of dark glass the world was waking up. Lightly I take the stairs three at a time until I reach the landing. I pause outside her door hearing only the chatter of TV characters. Quietly I turn the hand and poke my head into the room.

They were all asleep. Candy wrappers and empty packets were strewn at the foot of the bed. Lissa and Rose slept facing each other, Rose in the middle and for some reason she’s holding what looks like marshmallows to her chest. Natalie was pressed up against Rose’s back, one arm flung around her waist and her legs tucked up.  I pad into the room and shut off the TV. 

I tread back to the doorway and catch Rose watching me under heavy lids. I recall what she’d said earlier about how loud I was. I was going to have up my game. I shut the door with a quiet click and find a smile tugging at my lips as I walk the rest of the hall to Victors office.

Off to the far left natural light was starting to creep into the hall.

I tap the door with my knuckle before stepping inside. Victor is reclined behind his desk with his cell phone pressed against his ear. Despite the shadows under his eyes they retain focus as he intently listens to whoever it is on the other end. Spiridon on the other hand is sprawled across his two-seater couch in far corner, not bothering to even pretend like he’s reading the file in his hand.

He raises a finger toward me and without looking away from the wall he says, “Before you get all judgey… just don’t.”

I shouldn’t respond but it’s very late and he’s very irritating. “I wasn’t.”

“My eyes are on fire.” He mutters, “I can literally see this page printed on the wall.”

“You’ve had a long day. Go to bed.”

He gestures to Victor with a wave of his hand by way of response. Victors gaze breaks from the table top at the movement but returns to his open notebook. In his free hand he turns a pen idly over the page hosting a list of names.  “I’m hanging tight encase we hit gold.”

I lean against the wall and a lazy grin spreads across his face. Over the couch’s arm his boot twitch and I know he’s expecting me to ask him to move. I wouldn’t dream of giving him such satisfaction, no matter how petty. I preferred standing anyway.

“Thank you Hans and I apologise again for asking at this hour.” Victor says, demanding both our attention. “Whatever you can find out from her. I appreciate it. I know how…tedious she can be.”

Spiridon’s head had lolled to the side to watch him but turns but with a flick of his wrist he lifts the paper in his hands to assess. “Moira still a complete joy then?”

“She is completely drunk.” Victor replies, amending Spiridon’s tone with the appropriate insult. “We won’t get anything comprehensible out of her tonight, morning…and Lucas isn’t answering. Understandably. What time is it?”

“It’s just gone seven.” I answer.

“I think we best we call it quits.” Victor says, rising from his chair and craning his neck to the right.

“Instead of asking Madam Chardonnay about names wouldn’t it be more effective to show her faces?” Spiridon suggests, remaining horizontal. “Faces make more of an impression.”

It takes me a moment to understand what faces he’s referring to. Victor’s list of names were known Strigoi linked to Nathan, a Strigoi who had gained rank in Russia by turning small groups of strigoi and placing them in different areas but the past year his groups were spreading out and becoming bigger which was equally unnerving and worrying. Strigoi did not fare well in groups, they were nomads or at best they moved in couples because of their volatile nature and predator instincts having them constantly battle for dominance. But mere weeks ago a school, a well-guarded and protected school, had been raided by pack where they snatched more than they killed. Which meant they weren’t simply weren’t just looking for a food source or to show a display of power and supremacy. They were recruiting. Until The Circle got there. Spiridon’s proposal is to show Moira the images I had just shown to Ben to see if she recognised any, it was possible seeing she and Lucas did spend some time in the Eastern regions and we knew they had been looking for Nathan. But it seemed ridiculous to think they would have come into contact with multiple strigoi and have been able to walk away from it. Then again, it’s equally ridiculous to know they had invited one to their home to meet with their son.

I suppress a shudder.

“I wouldn’t want to give her actual reasons to turn to the bottle.” Victor sighs, closing his journal and pocketing his phone. Now his head isn’t bowed the lights above show that the shadows under his eyes are more prominent than I had realised. Tomorrow I would have to call Alice.

 “She’s going to make her way through them regardless by the sounds of things.” Spiridon says, heaving himself upright. “Faces she’ll recognise faster or show them to Lucas. Might be a safer bet.”

“I’ll think it over in the morning.” Victors says and holds his fist to his mouth to stifle a yawn.

“This jet setter lifestyle is wearing on me.” Spiridon says standing. “Next time I stay at home with the children and play house. All cookies and Netflix. Eh?”

Expressionlessly I match his grin. “Goodnight Spiridon.” He claps me on the shoulder as he leaves, shutting the door behind him.

“He sees it as challenge.” Victor says, sliding his suit jacket back on. Even though he was only going up to his suite he would always remain proper. “Trying to needle a reaction out of you.”

“I find needles only mildly uncomfortable.”

“I guess you would have to.” He says, moving around the desk and nodding toward my neck. “Or you wouldn’t be the best at your job.”

“You flatter me.”

“Dimitri you and I both know I don’t flatter unless I have an agenda. I’m just simply stating the obvious.”

I’m not really sure how to argue or if it’s worth it so I nod. Victor smiles and begins to move toward the door. “Goodnight.”

“Sir-“ I begin and his hand pauses on the door. Ivika’s face looms in my mind, paralysed in fear and agony, no peace. I push it away to look him in the eye. “Is going to the site completely necessary? Especially with the time gap, what could we learn? The magic residue will be all but gone and what if some of the nest weren’t exterminated and they come back. I think we should call it in. Anonmously of course.”

Victor steps away from the door and regards me in such a way that it makes me feel like I’m in school again and Galina is about to point out something fairly obvious. Obvious if I could have seen past my temper and attitude.

“Magic becomes less potent yes.” Victor tells me, his voice quiet and smooth. “But like calls to like. I will at least be able to tell how many users and what their element is. You boys will look at with strategic eyes and above all we need to see if anything was left behind.”

“Left behind? They wouldn’t be that careless.”

“Maybe.” He returns without an ounce of doubt. “But even the most skilled can make mistakes. Yourself or Spiridon would admit you couldn’t parry out of every situation unscathed or without leaving something behind…”

It clicks. “You think they might have left blood. Their own.”

He shrugs. “Perhaps or dropped something, left something else. Their activity has remained inside Russia or a little bit further. They occupy Nathan’s most heavily populated areas which made us assume they were just vigilantes. They’ve taken out small groups here and there, sabotaged raids and attacks on towns and of course we know they passed through the Szelsky’s home that night.” Melancholy coats the room like a blanket being thrown over a light. Victor’s face turns mournful. “I believe they were there to save them but they were just too late.”

The Szelsky’s were the smallest but the closest of all the royal families. They believed in keeping close ties and actually being family as opposed to just saying so. The night they were slaughtered all sixty five of them were gathered to celebrate their family Prince’s eightieth anniversary in Moscow. Sixty five Moroi lost and seventeen of their Guardians, fifteen more unaccounted for.  A sever loss for us, a permanent scar in history and sadly that’s what it took for people to start organising themselves, to start listening to politicians again.

But no one else recognised The Circle’s involvement that night. The dead were discovered with crossed arms and their eyes closed, as close to peace as they could be. There had been candles burned down to stubs, overlooked because it had been a festive evening, nothing out of the ordinary about candles. But in the recovered photographs from forgotten cameras there were no candles as decoration. In Prince Szelsky’s recovered possessions no one thought it odd he had a gold coin with the engraving of a serpent.

“You think they may have left something at the site deliberately?”

“Or not deliberately.” He shrugs. “Like I said, close quarters, darkness…” And we had been lead toward it by them, it wasn’t implausible.

 “And I’m also interested in the whys.” Victor murmurs. “Why surge so far west? There have been other raids much closer to home, why did Estonia matter?”

I chew it over. “It was a big hit. They hit back to prove a point. They have something to match up to Strigoi power and-“

“And we take them seriously?” Victor smiles and it awakens his tired face. “Yes, perhaps.”

He reaches out and opens his study door and I pull at the thread I feel he’s just put down. “Or?”

Victor stops in the doorway and he’s grinning now like I’ve amused him. “Or the nest had something important, something they needed.”

“Like what?”

Victor flicks the switch on the wall so the lights in the study go out. “I don’t know. Maybe they just felt morally obligated. Maybe a member of the nest was a higher up and they took an opportunity to exterminate. Maybe they had an interest in those the Strigoi took.” I follow him out into the dim landing and my eyes are drawn naturally to the golden patches of sunlight that are spreading on the carpet outside Ben’s bedroom door. “It’s going to be hard to stomach but I have to see it for myself.”

I thought when I opened the topic I may have been able to dissuade him but now that I know his motivations I know it won’t be possible. Not unless we’re faced with something that greatly outweighs Victor’s suspected advantages and I have a feeling if we are faced with it then it will too late to backtrack.

I wish Victor a goodnight and go down to let Ben know we were all retiring but his voice stops me at the top of the basement steps. His voice is hushed but the tone was clear to pick up on, he was frustrated and he was trying to reason which calculates to an argument. I could only imagine with whom. He’d been gone three weeks which overlapped into two of his personal days and now we were leaving again. It was bound to put added strain onto any relationship and I couldn’t but wonder when they’d finally cut the cord.

Love is not always enough.

I grab a bottle of water and head up to my room. On the landing I briefly think about peeking in on Rose again to see if she’d detected me but the thoughts gone as quickly as it comes. There wasn’t any room for such whimsical notions. Inside I lock the door, pull of my shirt and toss it in the hamper and more or less collapse into the seat at the bay window. I dial my mother’s new number and feel nothing at all when it goes to voicemail. I do it three more times before I toss the phone onto the desk. Ben could see it on my call records, everything was recorded on his systems. He’d wonder who I was repeatedly trying to call when the line was blocked. Maybe tomorrow it wouldn’t be. Maybe next year.   


Dawn is backlighting the mountain peaks in the distance. My favourite time to run, the world was wakening up, everything refreshed and somehow new. In the winter the air was crisp and burned your lungs like a furnace to wake up the body and in the summer it was lazy, dew drops spotted on every passing leaf, bouncing up from the ground when you pounded along the grass, challenging you when you went uphill as it made the grass slick and then you hit the stone trail which was growing warmer and warmer and the crunch underfoot was satisfying. I couldn’t run now though, my body was exhausted and I was waiting for my mind to follow suit.

I drop my hand to the floor and blindly search until I come into contact with a hard smooth cover. I snatch up the book and immediately toss it back to the floor. Holden Caulfield wasn’t a companion I needed right now. Across the room one of the w colourful books I own catches my eye and I grin. A Harry Potter book that Viktoria had snuck into my luggage. I wasn’t sure which of the series it was but maybe Natalie had the others and maybe Rose would like them. Something more creative to sink her jaws into outside of the Encyclopaedias and War history books.

She did like history. When she wasn’t watching that programme about the big family or the other sitcom she had the History Channel on. Or maybe she hadn’t branched out yet. I should ask.

I rest my head back and watch the sun break over the mountain peaks, washing light over the treetops. I plan on watching it reach the Oak in the private garden and Natalie’s sunflower but my mind eclipses.

I stir and light pierces through my eyelids. Immediately I turn away from the brightness and doing that I become very aware of how stiff my neck had become, like it had rusted in a few hours.

 “Argh.”  I reach up a hands and trying to knead it.

Quiet footsteps and an even smaller noise of a door shutting. Ben going to bed.

I stand up and all the back protests having seized up and gone to sleep for the night. I yank the curtains closed and the dark is a big relief. Rolling my shoulders and I remember how Rose had skilfully undone knots with her hands as I check my phone. No missed calls or messages. My mind begins to wander down dark paths so I fall into bed and bury my face into the pillow trying to block them off. I must be truly exhausted because I tip right over into nothingness.

///

Carefree laughter presses at the edges of my dreams. Am I dreaming? Viktoria is throwing snowballs but she’s much shorter. A warm hand takes my forearm. I look down at babushka and find her smiling up at me and suddenly I can breathe properly again. Strange, I hadn’t been aware of the constriction until now, now that I could feel my lungs expanding.

Sonja darts out from behind the treeline and fires a ball in perfect ark. It explodes over Viktoria’s shoulders in white dust.

“Dimka.” A voice calls, one I can’t place, like a quote I can’t quite remember. My mother is standing on the porch holding a plate with a slice of sharlotka cake on its floral surface. I hated those plates. They were a gift from him. I look into my mother’s face and she’s smiling at me too. I step out of bahboolya’s touch and the cold erases her warm prints.

Yes, I was most certainly dreaming. 

Viktoria laughter becomes louder and she spins, sending a snowball toward me at lightning speed.

I jerk up and blearily take in my bedclothes. After a few seconds my head drops like a rock into my pillow. I roll onto my back.

 The laughter trickles into the room again and I turn my head toward the door.

The girls were awake which meant I should be too. Another peel of laughter and I’m off the bed, kicking off the jeans I slept in and pulling on black jogging bottoms. I pull a navy tee from the drawer, acting more alert than I possibly felt but it’s nothing coffee wouldn’t fix.

I stride to the door wondering what could be making Rose laugh so much.


	24. Hold it together.

The bedroom door swings open and the landing lights take me by surprise. It’s not that they’re overly bright but coming from a pitch black room it was a bit of an adjustment. Rose’s doors open wide and through narrowed eyes I see her flat on her back and shaking in silent laughter. Lissa has her hand clamped over her mouth, shoulders shaking and then I see the reason why.

“I could totally get around campus like this.” Natalie says but barely. Her voice is uneven, cracking with glee. Or maybe she’s finding it hard to talk because it she’s put her legs through the arms of what looks like a sweatshirt and is ambling around in a crouch and that requires concentration.

Lissa spots me and her hand can’t hold back her laughter anymore. A new wave of giggles knock it out of the way and she flings herself back on the bed. Natalie turns around and and her face goes blank.

“Uh, Goodmorning.” Is the only thing I can think to say.

She screams and trys to dive out of sight, leading her to stumble and land in a heap. Rose laughs harder, tears streaming down her face as she clutches her stomach. Natalie is an oddly shaped shaking bundle on the floor.

I have no idea what to do so I sharply turn left and make downstairs. I needed coffee. Afterwards maybe I’d know what to do or maybe they will have stopped. I hope they have stopped. I can’t remember how to be around teenage girls. Thinking of my sisters doesn’t help but I suppose that is different. I was always in on the joke then or welcomed into it, or I was the victim of it. But that was a long time ago.

There’s a rapid stomping from above and I can only imagine Natalie has fallen over again or the other girls had joined in and they were racing. Now that does make me laugh.

“What’s funny?” Rose asks from the archway. She looks different. Her cheeks were tinged pink and her eyes were lit up. Happiness I realise. Some weight falls off my shoulders.

“Is Natalie joining a circus?”

Her eye’s cloud with confusion but it’s only for a split second, the second where she has to remember or recall the meaning of the word.    
  
“No…no she doesn’t like clowns.” She tells me, taking a mug from the cupboard and passing it to me.

“A shame. I think she would have been a grand attraction, especially if she learned to somersault.”

She laughs again and I’m taken back in a warm embrace.

I pour out the coffee and our hands collide over the sugar pot.   
  
“Sorry.” She says quickly.

“That’s alright.” I murmur back. “Can you pass me a teaspoon?”

Grateful to do something she pulls the drawer open so fast the cutlery clatters. Time, I remind myself, is what she needs before she can really relax. But she was relaxed upstairs.

I stir the coffee and toss the spoon into the sink. I lean back against the counter and take a sip. Bittersweet and sharp, perfect. My head felt clearer already.

Rose is watching me closely.

“What?”

She starts and turns away, making me want to dump the hot liquid over my head. “Nothing, you just looked happy.”

“Of course I’m happy.” I hold up cup up higher. “Got my morning fix” and then in her direction. “And good company.”

She beams and again I feel like I did when I walked out of my bedroom. Dumbfounded and then more so because I don’t know why.

“So.” I begin, trying to clear my throat. “What do you girls want for breakfast?”

“I like you Dimitri.” Natalie declares loudly coming into the kitchen. “You ask all the right questions.”

Lissa trails behind and smiles in greeting. Natalie is avoiding looking at me and after hopping up on a stool she hops down again to go to the fridge. Rose sidles up beside her, no doubt already starting to panic and plan meals.

I could leave them to it or start helping Rose but I decide to take risk and try to step in on the joke. “Work up an appetite?”

Lissa grins.

Natalie clears her throat but spins to look at me with set shoulders. “I really did. You should try getting into that position sometime, works up a really good burn. You could race Spiridon.”

Lissa makes a raspberry noise and Rose bites her lip.

“It wouldn’t be much of a race.” I return, pushing away from the counter. “My legs are longer.”

Rose and Lissa burst into laughter and Natalie gives me a look of what I can only discern as mild approval.

“So the real question is.” Lissa says, flushed and watery eyed. “Is where we would find a sweat shirt big enough.”

“A sumo shop.” Natalie answers, passing Rose the eggs. “I think I want pancakes. Confetti and chocolate chip with sliced banana. Oh and we have chocolate syrup and I could crumble some cookies on top.”

“So Diabetes.” Lissa summarizes. “You want diabetes.”

“You only live once.”

I help them set up the utensils and feel immensely proud when Rose asks if she can have some protein powder. I’d been worried that after yesterdays…incident she would be holed up in her room for days refusing to see or speak to any of us. I’d even imagined tears and screaming.  How stupid of me.

If Spiridon is an ass to her I may hit him.

I’d been enjoying the mornings more and more these past few weeks and this morning is truly pleasant. Natalie and Lissa had never been rude to be as such but never chatty. It wasn’t something that had bothered me as such and I knew how I could appear, standoffish and cold, but being included in their banter…it’s nice. Even though I wasn’t participating, just a silent helper in preparing the food as Lissa and Natalie batted conversation back and forth, and Rose watched them like a child watching her favourite television show, I felt close to something that was almost like home.   
  
Almost.

An hour later the sink is piled high with batter coated bowls and utensils. The breakfast island laden with plates and multi-coloured sprinkles and chocolate chips are scatted on the marble top and will sit around it full and content. I have my second cup of coffee, no sugar.

“Should I make Victors?” Rose asks me as Natalie continues to argue that sugar is an important food group for a vampire to a bemused Lissa.

I clock the time. “Give it another half hour. They were up late.”

“Weren’t you?” She asks and then jumps when Natalie slaps the counter to emphasis a point she’s made. She apologises and then gets back on her case.

“Yes.”

I can feel her watching me as I take another drink.

“But you don’t sleep a lot.”

I turn my head a fraction so I can look down over my shoulder at her, “Exactly.”

She opens her mouth and I know she’s about to ask me why but Natalie has exhausted her previous argument and asks if Rose will become bulky by eating protein powder.

“Not at all. It will just encourage muscle growth and give her some more energy.”

Natalie flexes her arm. “Maybe I should start taking protein shakes.”

“Really? You think you need more energy?” Lissa asks drily.

“I need muscle. I could fight crime, find out who set Miss Karps locusts free, who put fire crackers in Kirova’s office.” The whole time Natalie had been swishing her hands around like the karate kid. She throws one out at Lissa’s face, stopping just shy of her nose. “Punch Mia in the face.”

“I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.” I mutter and collect the finished plates.  Rose immediately starts to help.

Lissa regards her blandly. “You should give her the satisfaction of being a problem.”

“But she is a problem.” I hear Natalie say as I put remove the dishes from the sink so I can fill it. Beside me Rose is bouncing on the balls of her feet. I step aside before she can push me out of the way. “I’d be defending your honour from the home wrecker.”

“Don’t.” Lissa warns and I look to see her face has turned very hard. The atmosphere of the room is dropping and I catch Rose’s eye. She’s noticed too. We both turn back to the sink.

“After breakfast would you like to come on a walk with me?” I propose to Rose, trying to ignore the heavy awkwardness and what Natalie is saying.

Rose looks up at me surprised and I take the soapy dish from her to dry. Thankfully she’s too preoccupied to protest.

“A walk?” She asks.

“If you break up with him he’s going to rebound right into the child!” Natalie’s voice stresses from behind.

“I really don’t care. Doesn’t that say enough about it?” Lissa replies icily.

“Yes.” I set the dish on the rack and take another from her hands. “The path I run every day and the one you will too but I figure you we should walk it first. It can be really beautiful and I’d hate for it to distract you so much that you run into a tree.”

Her face immediately takes on that defensive look and I fight the urge to grin. “I wouldn’t run into a tree.”

“Doesn’t it matter to you at all that _I_ am unhappy?” Lissa hisses.

“Of course it does.” Natalie replies sounding hurt. “I’m thinking about how it will be the first subject of rumours and shit stirring when we get back to school. Can’t you wait a few more weeks?”

Rose glances over her rigid shoulder and I know she wants to leave the room just as much as I do. Or go temporally deaf.

“Maybe that is a bit of an exaggeration. You’d trip and I don’t like breaking stride once I get going.” I try to keep my voice light and centre us to our conversation so we stay out of the girls.

“I wouldn’t trip.” Rose snaps back, shoving a plate into my hands so I almost drop it. “And even I did you wouldn’t notice. I remember how fast you are.”

I could swear there was envy in her voice and if I wasn’t sure then the way she was furiously scrubbing batter off the wooden spoon said it all. I take it from her before she splinters it. “I’ll teach you to be fast but first we’ll start with a walk.”

She turns to me and puts a hand on her hip. It’s so like something Natalie would do. “Why can’t we run? I’m not fast but I can run.” 

I remember how she fled through the trees from me. She had been fast but how much of that had been adrenaline? I set the last dish on the rack and let the water drain. “We’re walking and you’ll see why.”

Her scowl tells me she’s about to start arguing with me and I almost welcome it when there’s rapid footfalls on the stairs. Rose jumps like she’s been electrocuted and darts for the coffee pot. I resist the urge to sigh. Lissa and Natalie seemed to have cleared up whatever it is they were conflicted over as Natalie has one arm across Lissa’s shoulders but both are watching Rose with matching mixed expression of confusion and concern. It wasn’t just me then.

Spiridon rounds into the kitchen. “Good morning Ladies and Rose.”

My good mood goes into decline.

“It _was_ a nice morning.” Natalie dishes back loftily. She could match his obnoxious …personality and run with it. I had no such talent. Neither does Lissa it seems as she throws him a look, that he doesn’t see and wouldn’t acknowledge even if he did, and goes to assist Rose.

Spiridon yanks open the fridge and pulls out a soda. “Have I missed breakfast or can I put in my order?”

“You missed it.” Natalie smiles. “We had pancakes. They were delicious.”

He actually pouts. “Awww. Does this mean the rest of us have to starve? Really Rose? Bad form.”

Rose looks taken back and seems to shrink into herself. All the happiness and confidence that had been holding her up this morning seems to vanish. The teaspoon Lissa had been using to stir his coffee (she’d been able to persuade Rose to let her help) clatters on the countertop and by the look on her face he’s in danger of having his drink thrown at him.

“I- No I-“ Rose begins.

“You could do with a fast.” Natalie snaps back. “You’re getting all pudgy.”

Spiridon grins lazily over his cola. “More of me to love.”

“More for the Strigoi to grab.” Natalie sasses back.

“Ooooh that was a good one.”

Rose looks like she’s having some internal crisis and Victor’s coffee is trembling in her hands. I take it from her.

“Make him some oatmeal.” I tell her. “With cinnamon and four sugars.”

“Oh so you get special treatment?” Spiridon hurls across the room.

“And Ben will take the same minus the cinnamon. I’ll ask Victor what he wants.”

Relief spreads over her face and beside Lissa seems to relax a bit too, as if she’d been feeling the amount of stress Rose had been under.

“Thanks dad.” Spiridon tells me sarcastically as I cross the kitchen and I very nearly throw the cup at him.

I make myself take the stairs slowly, working on calming down but knowing he could rile me up so easily just irritates me more. Some people I guess you would always be allergic to, no matter how well you disciplined your rage. I knock on Victor’s suite door and leave his coffee on the small table on the landing after he responds. Guessing Ben would be harder to get up, from how late he stayed up and how generally loved sleep, I knock twice and then let myself in. He doesn’t even stir. I turn on his light, turning the wattage right up until he groans, and turn on the radio.

Spiridon’s words are waiting in the hall for me. _Thanks Dad._ I was not a father figure. If anything Victor was…I was just… responsible.

I return to the kitchen trying to shake off the remark like it was something sticky. Spiridon was in the middle of explaining something and trying not to laugh. Natalie and even Lissa are smiling and paying attention, previous begrudgement forgotten. Rose is still standing in the corner by the sink, a steaming bowl of oats beside her. Spiridon’s bowl is in front of him and already half eaten despite that it was obviously still hot.

Rose looks up expectantly when I come in.

“Toast.” I tell her simply and she immediately goes to work.

I resist the urge to tell her to relax or try to help so silently I drink my own coffee as the other three burst into fits of laughter. Maybe I was too sensitive or maybe I was being so on Rose’s behalf. She would get used to him and doing so she would grow immune.

Victor appears before Ben and Spiridon vacates a spot at the breakfast bar for him. I try not to wince at how uncomfortable Rose looks as Victor asks her about her night.  At first she just nods and looks down but as the other two girls start piping in and subtly urging her into conversation she relaxes a little bit. And of course Victor knows how to graciously handle the situation.

Ben stumbles in looking like he hasn’t slept at all. Rose darts across the room and is holding his tea and oatmeal out to him before he’s even half way into the room.

Sleepily Ben points at her. “You, you are amazing. Thanks kid.”

 She blushes and I hide my grin behind my mug. He takes them both from her and hops onto the counter beside me.

“Rough night?” I murmur.

Ben shakes his bowed head. “She’s not happy with me at all.”

“It’s out of your hands. It’s not your fault.”

Ben pushes his oatmeal around. “She says she can’t depend on me and she doesn’t feel like she knows me anymore.”

“You haven’t changed and she knew what the job entailed.” I keep my voice low and watch Rose laugh as Natalie explains to Victor what she had been doing this morning in the sweater. It seems to be a part of some internet hype that Spiridon knows about.

“But she’s right. I never see her.” He says glumly and eats a spoonful.

I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t be in a position to hand out relationship advice. I couldn’t even get my own sisters to hold a long phone call with me.  “Should that change things? You talk…you love each other.”

He doesn’t say anything for a few minutes and I finish my coffee.

“Maybe love isn’t enough.”

I touch his shoulder and put my mug in the sink. Victor steers the conversation to ‘something I have to discuss with you’ and I cross to Rose’s side. I dip down, ignoring her twitch, and tell her to go and change so we can leave. She casts a curious glance at Victor and the two girls as his audience, Ben has left the room and Spiridon is leaning on the fridge watching avidly, eager to see how Natalie reacts. Rose’s eyes shift to the plates and cups left. Before she can fuss I shoo her from the room.

Natalie is not happy. Even though I excuse myself to the living room I can hear her protests. Going back to school early doesn’t give her enough time to organise packing, he just got home and they hadn’t spent any proper time together and surprisingly she protests that she has things to teach Rose. Unwillingly I think about the reason behind Rose’s off behaviour the last few days and how she’d felt there was no other option but to hide it from us all.  What if something like… that happens and she doesn’t have girl to turn to.

I didn’t like pressuring her to talk to me, especially when she looked like it hurt.

Victor reasons that she can come back on weekends and Rose has a phone now so whatever issues she has she can call. He will clear it with Kirova that Natalie may have to excuse herself from classes If needs be but she cannot take advantage of it.

Natalie leaves the kitchen with a scowl burning her face and Lissa following looking troubled.  They both start up the stairs as Rose is coming back fully dressed. They exchange a few words, Natalies voice reminding me of a boiling pot with a lid about to blow off, and the girls continue upstairs leaving Rose looking anxious as she makes her way down.

“Ready?” I ask, meeting her at the bottom and glad to see she’s chosen sensible footwear.  She nods and I lead the way through the kitchen to the side door. Victor’s cast us a curious glance but he doesn’t feel any reason to ask or object. Spiridon raises an eyebrow and I usher Rose out the door before he can say anything stupid.

The late evening still holds warmth, like being wrapped in a light blanket. Rose’s head is craned back, her eyes are searching the sky. I don’t want to puncture her thoughts so I set off across the green to the trail that leads into the woods. I’m just over the threshold when she hurries up beside me.  The solar powered lanterns that dot the trail are starting to glow amongst the forest floor. Usually this is the time I’m almost done with my workout and the lights are bringing me back.

“Will it be okay? I mean it’s getting dark and –“ Rose asks, cutting herself off and looking self-conscious.

“Remember I told you about the wards? They give us a wide perimeter. If for whatever reason the perimeter is breached the lights,” I gesture to one we’re passing, “will glow red. They’ll also do that if the wards are down.”

“Has that ever happened?” She doesn’t sound worried just curious. Always curious.

“Not unexpectedly.”

“And if they did we get back to the panic room?”

“In theory, yes.”

“In theory?”

I should have just said yes. Better not to confuse her and just give her the concrete outline instead of making things abstract.  “Times of crisis can mean things don’t always go to plan…” Her big brown eyes are probing. I look ahead. “It might work out better to get into a car and go but yes, get to the panic room if you can.”

It would be ideal to run a practise drill soon. Natalie may take it seriously this time for Rose’s sake, instead of refusing to get out of bed and screaming she’d rather be dead instead of up at three pm. Victor had been livid.

On the right the trees begin to thin and then disappear completely. Rose stops walking and I stop too. The look on her face as she took in the large sapphire surface of the lake was satisfying. At the other side of the large body you could make out the blulish glow of the lanterns. Mere fireflies in the distance.

“In early summer it’s great to swim in. Even the girls find it warm enough in the evenings.” I murmur and then it occurs to me. “Can you swim?”

Rose shakes her head still staring out.

“Well you can be taught if you want.”

She looks up over her shoulder at me, the chocolate brown filled with wonder. I turn away as Darymilk pops into my head and the cravings start.

“Come on.” I urge and set off again.

We walk in silence the rest of my planned route but it isn’t awkward, it’s actually quite comfortable and somehow it was more filling than conversation. I kept sneaking peeks to see if she was growing bored or tired, she was still thin and I didn’t want to exhaust her, but the look of awe didn’t leave her face.  Whether it be she was looking out at the lake or at the sky, at the wild flowers that bloomed on the left or forest noises but she did step closer to me when a fox sounded in the distance. She looked sceptical that the baby wailing noise belonged to an animal but she didn’t say anything. 

It’s forty minutes until the trail starts to steep upwards and I slow my pace as much as I can without it being obvious. I don’t think I fool her though but she doesn’t complain and that may be because her breathing has become shallow.

Maybe I should have stopped sooner. We still had the walk back and she’d sooner punch me again than accept a piggy back.  I think I’d rather be punched than hear myself offer and how awkward I’d sound.

Rose suddenly surges on a head elbows punching the air on either side of her. I realize I’ve been smiling and it immediately falls off my face. She thinks I’m laughing at her. I’m not sure what to do so I let her lead until the ground evens out again.

“Just here.”  I call after her and she halts a few paces ahead. With her back to me I hear her take a sharp breath and I know she’s trying to keep it even. I walk over to grassy plateau that looks out across the lake and give her a moment to herself. We were exactly half way around and the moon was now peeking out from behind a band of clouds. 

The grass rustles softly and she comes up beside me.

“When I got here everything was covered in snow, even the water had partly frozen over.” I murmur as the memory of my first run in November surfaces. “It wasn’t nearly as cold as I was used to but it felt a little bit like home. I suppose the dark helped… you can make yourself believe a lot more is possible then.”

The moon has moved out from behind the clouds and the water reflects it like satin holding a pearl.

“You miss it.” Rose says softly. I look down and find she’s watching me with a lot more understanding than I’m comfortable with.

I clear my throat and look away. “Of course I do. It’s my home.”

Moments pass and the wind picks up, causing the water’s surface to ripple.

“Have you been back?” She asks quietly. “I know it’s a long trip.”

“You do?” I look down at her and she looks out at the water. There’s colour in her cheeks but that may have been due to the walk.

“I read it.”

Of course she did. “No. I haven’t been back.”

“Do you…do you plan to?”

The question pushes under my skin but the worry in her voice placates my irritation. “No, I don’t. Anyway how did you find the walk here? Honestly.”

She fixates on the lake again and I can see her weighing up her answers. She over thought everything over but then again I’d been told I did that too.

“I don’t really know what you mean.” She finally says. “I – I managed it. I kept up.”

“Well that much is obvious.” I return and kick myself when her head and shoulders drop. “I meant did you find it challenging? And take into account we have to walk back.”

“Yes.” She utters, head still down.

“Then you’re going to keep walking it until it no longer is. That’s where we’ll begin with your training.

I turn away and double back the way we came. She’s beside me in an instant and I can feel her indignation burning into my face.

“Walking? You want me to start walking? It wasn’t that hard and I can do more, I’ve always done more and you said-“

“I said we’d start out slow.”

“Oh okay. Next time I’ll just out walk Alec.”

The dripping sarcasm take me by surprise but it’s surpassed by the welling of emotion that has me round on her and she almost collides with my chest. It didn’t help we were on the slope and it’s harder for her to right herself. It’s even easier for her to glare right at me.

“First that is never going to be an issue again. Secondly do you really think physically you could put out enough force to even block an attack? No, you don’t have nearly enough body mass. And thirdly the best defence against an aggressor is to get away.” She’s still glaring at me but I won’t let it throw me off. I lean in closer. “Never engage unless necessary.”

She presses her lips together. I turn away and resume downhill before her pride could get defensive and start mouthing off.

“And this was only half way. The other half is more up and down. It took us an hour to get that far, so two at least to the whole way around. You need to work on improving that time whilst building up your strength.”

“And then you’ll teach me how to punch someone?” She demands and I roll my eyes. She didn’t need to be taught, my face could attest.

“I’ll teach you how to throw a punch.” I bargain over my shoulder. “When you run the whole trail in one hour.”

I hear her stumble but I don’t look back. I didn’t want the mere sight of her to cause a notion that questioned my resolve. If I was going to train her then I was going to do so with same precision and disposition I had shown every other student I’d taught.

We walk back to the house in silence.

/

I make a point of standing aside and punching in the side doors code so she can see and sure enough when I look over my shoulder her eyes had been completely trained on it. I can’t help but think that if she were more rebellious would she still be here. She was bright, intuitive and I knew she listened to absolutely everything, whether she meant to or not. She could easily run away if she wanted to. But she had nowhere to go and it was ingrained in her that any sign of rebellion would be broken.

“Evening.” Ben salutes from the kitchen island. Breakfast was no more than an hour ago and yet he was holding a very sloppy PB&J sandwich.

“Hi.” Rose replies softly and I shut the door behind her.

“What do you think of our back yard then?” Ben says, lowering the laptop screen.

I fetch two bottles of water from the fridge.

“Beautiful.” She answers in that same quiet voice but when I turn around and see her face it takes me by surprise. She was smiling and it was a smile that reached her eyes.

I hadn’t asked what she’d thought of the view or the landscape. Why hadn’t I asked? It was so much different to what she was used to and I’d given her the freedom to it, well as ear as the wards would allow but that was still more than she had ever had. And I hadn’t even asked how she’d felt about it. I’d just harboured her about her physical abilities.

“Glad it’s too your taste.” Ben grins and she smiles wider.

I snatch a granola bar from the cupboard and hand both it and a bottle to her. It startles her but she takes it anyway.

There’s a loud thudding from overhead accompanied by Natalie’s unintelligible voice.

“She’s packing.” Ben explains with a look that says she’s taking it as well as Victor feared.

“I see.”

“Packing?” Rose asks, her eyes widening.

“Uh, yes.” Ben says, his gaze flickering between us. He probably assumed I would have explained to Rose what had been occurred. I should have. I was getting far too distracted. “She and Lissa have to return to school.”

“But it doesn’t start until the week after next.” Rose says in a rush and the plastic dents under her fingers.

“They’re returning early as something important has come up that requires Victor to travel.” I tell her. “And because it’s out of country he requires all of us to accompany him. No one can stay behind this time.”

“Am I…am I coming with you?” The panic in her voice has most definitely been shadowed by fear.

“Can hardly leave you here, can we?” Ben exclaims throwing up a hand. “God knows what wild shenanigans you’ll get up to.” A smile creeps onto her face. I envied his ability to that, be so easy going and joking in a way that could reassure her. I could only offer monotone facts. “You best go up and see her though. She was giving off about having to teach you colour co-ordinating and not being ‘matchy matchy’ or was it ‘muchy muchy’… I can’t remember. There’s a duffle bag on your bed too. Pack warm.”

Rose nods fervently and hurries out of the kitchen.

When I hear her on the stairs I turn back to Ben. “What were you looking at?”

He reopens his laptop. “Keith reported something to Victor after you left and I’ve just posted it onto the main base.  He paid a visit to the group of Keepers on our border this afternoon, only when he got there they were gone.”

“Gone?” I peer over his shoulder at the report filed on the network shared between all Guardian bases. Alchemists had restricted license on what they could view but they were eligible to submit reports if they deemed it necessary information.

“No sign of foul play or a struggle or anything like that. Just like they’d simply packed up and offski’d.

“What?”

“Left. It looks like they just left.”

“Known to have been residents of the area for thirty years…” I utter the report aloud. “That is odd. But-“

“But not enough for concerned action.” Ben finishes.

I shrug. “It could just be a matter of relocating. We hardly know anything about their way of life or customs.”

“I still think it’s odd.”

“Of course you do.” I clap him on the shoulder. “We’re paid to be paranoid.”

“Tell that to Spiridon.”

“Do you know when we’re leaving?”

“Victor wants to see Natalie off tomorrow so the day after.”

Ice pools in my stomach as his answer converts into hours surrounding the bodies. I know my facial muscles haven’t moved an inch but Ben’s expression turns as grim as my thoughts.

/

Through the evening a series of banging accompanied by muffled ranting travels down from Natalie’s suite. It would go quiet for periods and then it would start again. It seemed Natalie’s primary concerns were some clothing parcels were yet to reach her that were essential for ‘this semesters wardrobe’ and more understandably that she and Victor hadn’t spent enough time together.

“You know I wouldn’t go if it weren’t necessary. I don’t like it any more than you do darling.” He’d told her as she marched down stairs and past his office carrying decorative storage bags she were giving to Rose to keep her ‘essentials’ in. That was another thing she made apparent we were robbing her of. Teaching Rose the basics of being a girl. I had utterly no idea how to respond and I was glad Natalie’s exclamations were made generally aloud and not directed.

“Yeah whatever.” She through over her shoulder and Victor had frowned behind her back.

I’d finished running background detail on our chosen pilot, crew and route, and with nothing of import demanding my attention I’d returned to my room. On the way I glance into Rose’s room. She and Lissa were sitting on the bed, a row of beauty products lined up between them. Lissa seemed to be quizzing Rose on their uses and when they should be applied.

I try to read but after numerous attempts at reading the same page I give up and go for a run instead. I make it to the plateau we’d stopped at earlier in a quarter of the time and bypass it. I wanted to run until my legs burned and my lungs were white hot. I hit the part of the trail that turns to steeps dips and rises and by the time the ground evens out again I’ve broken a sweat. I make the first circuit in forty minutes, the second in forty two and the third in just under forty one.

I can’t feel my legs when I step back into the kitchen and my hearts hammering so hard I barely hear Rose say hello. I return a meagre wave and resist temptation to stick my head under the kitchen tap.

I grab a bottle of water and my heart quietens enough for me to hear what she’s saying.

“…she seemed upset about it but I remembered they had some in the freezer so do you think it’s a good idea?”

I heave in two more lungful’s and make myself focus on her expectant face. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what you asked me.”

She huffs and I resist the sudden urge to laugh. It seemed being in the light of the girls presence was allowing Rose’s actual personality to bloom instead of her trying to be so regulated with her responses and submissive. Those rare quips or witty snaps I’d seen of her had been appearing more regularly.

It enters my mind again how easy it would be for her to run away.

“I _said,_ ”definitely Natalie’s influence, “that Natalie is upset because she and Victor have a special dinner together every year before she goes back to school. She says it’s their bonding time and they get to talk and Victor turns off his phone and Spiridon isn’t allowed near them.”

“Sounds pleasant. What were you asking me though?”

“She said they always have steak and I said they have some in the freezer and should I, well do you think if I made it, they could have their dinner together tonight?”

I consider it. “That’s very thoughtful.” She shrugs like it’s no big deal but her cheeks colour. “I think they’d like that. Have you cooked steak before?”

Judging from the opened cook book it looks unlikely.

“That’s what I was asking you.” She says sounding slightly impatient. “Would you help me?”

Now I really have to fight the urge to grin and to comment on the fact she’d asked for help. There was a trace of vulnerability on her face which helps me extinguish the urge. It cost her to ask.

“Of course. Let me change and I’ll find out how they prefer it cooked shall I?”

She smiles in relief and I jog upstairs with some renewed sense of energy.

//

Victor was entirely grateful at Rose’s gesture and to her alarm he’d enveloped her in a warm hug. Natalie thanked her too but remained standoffish as she sat down at one of the two place settings at the table, eyeing her father like a wronged child.

It was a bit off a relief to disappear upstairs. Spiridon had taken Lissa home and Ben seemed preoccupied and with his phone buzzing every other minute it wasn’t hard to guess why.  He’d better leave his personal baggage on home soil. We couldn’t afford a weak spot on this trip and if needed I would push him to block her number during working hours.

My phone buzzes and for a wild second wishful thinking surpasses reason. I snatch it up and check the caller ID.  Trying not to sound ridiculously disappointed I answer.

“Please tell me that you’re free to talk?”

I push my cleared plate away and lean back in desk chair. “Free as a bird. What’s wrong?”

Tasha sighs. “Ooh I’m just living in a teen angsty world where people communicate in monosyllables and grunting.”

“Sounds quieter than the one I live in.”

“Nothing is ever simple is it?” She says. “So how has your day been?”

“Good. I ran. Victor broke it to Natalie she will be going back to school sooner than she expected. She wasn’t pleased.”

“We need to swap kids. This one can’t wait to get away from me.” She grumbles.

“It’s not about you.” I reassure her quietly.

She sighs again. “He just shuts himself a way. He won’t talk to me. Lucas and Moira won’t talk to me. He’s made it very clear he doesn’t want to speak to them. They think I’ve planted ideas in his head and they’re too bloody proud and stupid to see he’s thinking for himself. If I could Lucas alone then maybe we could resolve some of this…”

I wait a beat. “How exactly?”

“I don’t know. He’s my brother. I could talk some sense into him...” The line goes quiet and it’s uncomfortable just how unhopeful she sounded but she renews with some vigour. “I could go down there after Christian leaves for school. They’d have to talk to me then, they’d have to _listen_.”

“They won’t listen, Tash.” I say gently. “You know-“

“But I have to try, don’t I?” She persists, “What happens when I see him at Court? At meetings? Are we going to ignore each other for the rest of our lives?  Victor has them in a vice now where they have to comply but what happens when he doesn’t? Do I let my brother destroy his life? Christians? I need to at least try and talk him into sense. And I know it’s her, I know it’s her that’s put…put this perilous idea into motion.”

I take a steady breath as the fine line between my job and my person life. “What idea?”

I knew. We’d guessed as much tracking Lucas’ and Moira’s steps throughout the year. Tasha never said outright but just what she suspected they were doing, vaguely, like she couldn’t admit it to herself.

The sadness presses upon my ear before her voice carries through. “That there’s no way out. That a wave is coming and one by one the families will be picked off. That it’s too late to stop it.”

My voice must remain steady. “To stop what?”

“I don’t know Dimika, I don’t know.” She sighs and I know she knows I’m on the line. Between being there for her and being Victor’s ears. “Whatever it is it scares them, it’s scared them so much they’ve lost all sense.”

I choose my side of the line and step over to be her friend, and friendship made it harder to be honest. “We’re all scared but times like these…it brings out who we really are. We’re willing to fight and they’re willing to give up. I don’t know if you can talk him into being something different.”

“To stop him being a coward?” She says but not angrily. Her voice is blank and as hard as concrete.

It is definitely harder on this side of the line. “No. To make him a better person.”

It’s quiet, it’s quiet for so long I wonder if she’s put the phone down and walked away.

“Christian said something to me earlier.” She begins in a quiet, thick voice. “I proposed we should make a front together against them, sort things out but he said…he said…”

“What Tasha?” I murmur, a place in my chest starting fill up with cold pressure.

“He said something about a girl.” She says quietly. “That Victor’s leverage is a girl. A girl that he thinks has been there all her life and that…that Lucas may have fathered her to a, a woman …they keep.” She couldn’t even say it. She couldn’t admit it aloud because it would mean having to face what her brother really was even though she knew. It was why she rarely visited that house, the rumours on top of it being placed in a ridiculous place for a Moroi. A place that alienates Moroi and Dhampirs can endure. “He said they were as good as dead to him.”

Her hope was a weak flame flickering against the dark truth.

“Dimika?” She whispers.

“He isn’t her father. We ran the tests.” Is all I can say and on the other end of the line I hear her break and the flame goes out. I speak softly and I hope she can hear me over her own sobs. “You’ve suspected what he’s capable of for a long time Tasha…it’s time to face it. And let’s just be grateful that Christian is away from it now and it’s not something he considers normal.”

A lot of us were already considered beneath Moroi, naturally inferior. We were there to be thrown between themselves and Strigoi…it was frightening how easy it could be to push the boundary. To put us within slavery.

She lets out a shaky breath and I can see her in my mind. She’d be curled up in her favourite armchair near the fire. Cracked red leather with faded to pink spots on the arms. There would be black crisps littering the hearth, where she’d have been toying with papers and practising control.

“No,” She says in a tone that can only be described as watery.

 I sit forward and rest my forehead on my knuckles. I wished I knew the right thing to say or to be there to put an arm around her. At least then she’d know I was trying to be supportive.  I used to be full of comforting mantras and promises. Phrases or paragraphs I knew when to recite when my father had gone off. Now I refused to say anything unless I thought it were true, unless I believed in it. She understands that too although she doesn’t always like it. Right now I don’t like it too much. It would be easier to appease her and make fantastical possibilities up about her family. But I’d learned the hard way about fantasying about possibility of how family could be.

“Christian is nothing like him.” She trails on and then lets out a bitter laugh. “Lucas is our father but Christian is not his.”

It’s quiet again and I listen to the faint shuffling on the landing. The door closes and I push back in my chair looking at the strip of light under the door, wondering if Rose had been loitering outside my door.

I shouldn’t have snapped at her on the stairs about my room. It was rather childish and uncalled for. Rather like my father.

 “The girl...” Tashes begins timidly and I tense. “Is she okay?”

I stare at wall. “She’s adjusting.”

“Christian says she’s his age.”

“She is.”

She swears under her breath and I can see her picking at the arm of the chair, at the flaking leather. “I know you can’t say much but … God, I don’t – I’m sorry. I’m so sorry to her. Is there anything I can do? Her mother…”

I take a deep breath and heavy pocket inside expands the chamber of my chest. “There is nothing you can do. You can talk to Lucas, you could keep trying. I don’t think it’s a completely lost cause but Tash, you remember how he was when we showed up. They were arrogant and proud. There was no sense of remorse or guilt.” I rub my temple and carry on with a lead tongue. “Her mother… we can’t remove yet. We’ve taken procedures to make sure nothing…” I roll my tongue against my teeth and search for the right words. “that she, and the others, don’t suffer anymore offences.”

No beatings. No starvation. More time to rest. Ailments attended to by guardians with basic medical training. No freedom. No promise of a different future. No basic skills, sense, stability. No time to erect a scheme or programme to shelter them.

 “Offences.” She echoes and then in a sudden burst of anger adds, “How could I have been so, so ignorant? I let this go on! And I would condemn and put down others when they made light of owning, of keeping a Dhampir and I knew, I knew there were rumours and I knew when I visited the house why they got antsy about the grounds. Not once did I see a Guardian lift a finger to anything. No but they were lifting their hands for something completely different. How can they? How can they when it could easily be the other way around? It could be them!”

“I know.” I didn’t understand, would never understand.

“You should have told me sooner.” She snaps and I hear a rushing noise.

“Watch the fire.” I murmur. “And I… Tash you said it yourself. You already knew but I wasn’t going to put the pieces together for you. Not when other things were falling apart.”

The rushing and cackling pitches and I say her name again. After a few moments it subsides and she exhales heavily.

Her voice is controlled. “If Lucas isn’t her father then who is? A Guardian?”

My lip curls in disgust. A Guardian, as if they earned the right to even be called that. Tyrants, Sadists, every curse under the sun.

“No, no we don’t think so. Rose is under the belief she was conceived before.”

“Before what? Before she was kidnapped? Trafficked?”

“I don’t know.” I snap. Red hot anger is taking hold now and guilt. I didn’t know, we hadn’t done any more research into Janine’s origins.

“If the girls seventeen then her mother…” She tails off and she mutters calculations to herself. “Then she could have been there when my dad bought the property.”

Edward Ozera. I had met the man once when he had visited Tasha at school, the only time he’d visited and it was to tell her, her mother had died. Then they had left for the funeral and Tasha was sent back to school the following week. His main business had been real estate for Moroi but it wouldn’t surprise me if he had his hands in other areas. Remembering his emotionless expression and the blunt way in which he told Tasha her mother had passed away, in the foyer with other students there to hear, it didn’t seem unlikely that someone like that could have been in the beginnings of the slave trade. And with Tasha avoiding her father and the Arizona property with exception of the few visits on special occasions it would be easy to fool herself. She’d dissociated herself from her family for years. Until Christian.

“I could find out.” She says

The shuffling has started again on the landing. A very light sound. Most Guardians never achieved that skill.

“You could try.” I say because she could. I just didn’t think she’d succeed.

I sit up straighter and cast a look at the door when I hear the quiet closing of the one across the hall. What did she want? Why didn’t she knock?

Tasha sighs again and carefully she asks. “Have you heard anything from Sonja or Yeva?”

This was not something I wanted to discuss at all tonight. I was in danger of turning off the light and sitting in the dark for a few hours, completely healthy behaviour.

“I would have told you by now if I had.” I return trying to sound calm but managing to sound violently cold.

“Olena will come around. When she’s been clean for long enough then she’ll see clearly.”

My fist clenches against my thigh and I remember my control. How Galina had taught me to reign in so it did not reign me. And this was Tasha, I was not angry with Tasha. I was angry with everything else in the world.

“I hope so.” I had taken this call hoping for some relief and now I felt about three times as heavy. “I’m leaving again soon. I can’t tell you why but it means postponing again. I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” She says in surprise. “Will you be back before you’re Birthday?”

“Maybe. I’ll let you know as soon I can. But Tash, you know I don’t want –“

“Yes I know.” She says mockingly exasperated and the mood surrounding our conversation changes considerably. “No strippers, parties, dancing or anything daringly fun.”

“Doing normal things with you is fun for me.”

“Maybe I’ll just shove you in a library with some balloons.”

“Sounds like heaven.”

“Weirdo.” She sniffs and I grin. “Don’t worry. I have it all thought out and within your boundaries. Just tell me when your back and book the damn day off.”

“I will. Thank you. I have to go.”

“Okay.” I know she wants to ask more, she always did but I couldn’t blur the lines. “Goodnight, good morning, have a great day, happy travelling, talk to you soon and if I don’t hear from you before then Happy Birthday.”

I grin wider. “Goodnight Tasha. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. I respect my elders you know.”

“Right well, this is the old man signing off.”

“Oh my god a joke. Hang on – yes, yes the moon has turned blue.”

“Goodbye Tasha.”

 Hang up and push myself out of the chair and head to the door. She hadn’t heard me coming which means I’ve earned some credit to my stealth training. Rose blinks up at me, her head craned back as she’d been quite close to doorway. Was she eavesdropping?

I raise an eyebrow and on queue her tan cheeks darken a little but she doesn’t break eye contact.

“I need help.” She blurts and then looks mortified.

“What with?” I step out into the hall and close the door behind me. She casts it a curious glance.

“Packing.” She murmurs and walks back into her room, expecting me to follow. Little steps to confidence. At least she didn’t flounce like Natalie did. Not yet anyway.

Her wardrobes doors are open and it’s good to see it’s half full. The bag Ben left is empty and gaping on the bed.

“Just warm and practical.”

She gives me a look packed with enough sarcasm and exasperation that I almost laugh. “I don’t know what practical is.”

I walk over to her wardrobe and she tails behind me. Ah, I began to see the issue. Natalie had picked off the current climate and not the oncoming autumn months or winter. But we were expecting Rose to put on weight and we hadn’t expected her to accompany us on a trip like this.

“I think we’ll be gone a few days.” I tell her, pulling out the few thin sweaters that were in here. She could layer up. “No more than a week so you shouldn’t need too much. It shouldn’t be too much colder in Estonia.”

“Estonia.” She repeats taking the clothes from my hands. She turns her big eyes up on me. “Natalie said we’re going to the school that was attacked.”

I return her gaze. “Yes. But nothing bad is going to happen.”

She turns away to put the clothes in the bag. “You can’t promise that.”

“Nothing bad is going to happen to you.” She takes the pair of jeans I’ve fished out and doesn’t comment. “Wear your sweatpants to travel in. Does that answer everything?”

“Yes.” She murmurs. “Thank you.”

As I’m walking out her voice halts me. “Are you going to find the things that hurt those people?”

I look over my shoulder with my hand still on the handle. “I hope not.” And I shut it behind me.

///

The next day passes smoothly. Natalie and Victor’s private dinner seems to have made amends but Natalie is quiet for most of the day, spending the majority of it with Rose in one and anothers room. We left them to it.

I run. I run four laps and collapse on the grass at the end.  I’m not sure how long I’m there for but I could swear when I sit up the sky is varied in the blue it was before. I was over doing it, I knew that. Not enough sleep, too much caffine and pushing my body. But I’d read everything I owned and exhausted the library and even in reading my mind could wander off.

Was she doing any better? Had she lapsed again? Was it a good day or a bad day?  I wanted to say sorry, I wanted them to understand I always am for the strain.  I hope they know I did it because I cared. And it had to better than being under his thumb didn’t it?  Me and my sisters had always banded together, not needing to speak to know how to support each other or handle my mother’s temperament. Handle his. But he was gone now and so was I and somehow it hadn’t got better.

I slouch back to the house. Rose is in the kitchen preparing a light dinner. Spiridon and Ben took escort detail to bring Natalie to school.

“Are you okay?” Rose asks.

“I’m fine.”

 I go upstairs to shower.

I pack my travel bag with essentials and when the others return we discuss the plan at the dinner table, unconcerned by Rose’s presence. She didn’t comment but you could see her calculating it up, piecing it together. I’d explain to her the situation later, it was only fair.

And it wasn’t like she liable to leak information.

It’s about two hours after dinner and I pick up the Harry Potter book to take with me across the hall but on the landing Spiridon is standing outside Victor’s office. He cocks his head to the side and disappears down the other hall.

I glance at Rose’s door and hoping she doesn’t go to bed soon. Victor had already turned in.

This better be good.

I turn into the dark hall and see the deck’s door open. He hadn’t turned any of the lights. Hoping there is a point to this I step out after him, tucking the book into the waistband of my jeans at the back.

The nights dipped in temperature and I suspect autumn’s crept across the forest. Spiridon is nestled in the corner between the rail and the wall of Victor’s office, the most shadowed part of the deck which conceals him almost perfectly. It’s obvious he’s chosen the spot for a reason and tracing his eye line the reason lies in the drive below. 

I pad up beside him.

“O yebat.” I hiss.

At the bottom of the drive where the tarmac changes to gravel and leads into the trees, Ben and Sonya seem to be having an argument.

“What’s been baffling me,” Spiridon begins, his whisper warmed with amusement, “Is how she got here. No car, he didn’t leave to pick her up, the wards haven’t detected anything…”

Sonya’s voice rises in pitch and she stabs a hand toward the house. Ben takes her by her arms and tries to calm her.

“She needs to leave. Before Victor knows she’s here.”

“Mhm, that would dramatic.”

“How long have they been fighting?”

“I stepped out ten minutes ago for a cigarette, things seemed to be in full swing by then. I’m surprised you didn’t hear. She was close enough to shouting.”

“This is ridiculous.”

“I know. She must have flown here or something.” Sonya bats Ben’s hands a way and points in his face. Her red hair is half out of its knot and wild around her face.  The wind has picked up around them, the leaves above shaking on swaying branches. “But her element isn’t air so perhaps not.”

I close my eyes and pray for strength. “I’m going to have to go down there.”

“Personally, I object. She looks a bit derang-“ His sentence breaks in half as Sonya’s hand strikes out and the crack off Ben’s cheek is sharp from where we stand.

He could have stopped her if he’d wanted to.

“Harsh.” Spiridon mutters as Sonya holds both hands over her mouth in shock at what she’d done.

I turn my back to them. “We shouldn’t watch.”

Spiridon shrugs, eyes still downcast. “What are you going to do? Stare at your bedroom ceiling instead?”

That was equivalent of how I spent my night. Unless I took some tablets but I didn’t like doing that. Was it that obvious I didn’t sleep? Rose had noticed or had I told her? I can’t recall.

“He should end it.” Spiridon says, eyes still flickering between them both. “It’s not exactly like she has a lot to offer.”

No matter how much I agree I refuse to. “He loves her. I know you don’t understand that concept but it has as much importance than anything else.”

He looks at me and his teeth flash in the dark. “More important than a stable well paid job that puts a roof over your head, a roof with nearly a much protection as Court itself, at a time when it’s very hard to procure any of those things?”

“It doesn’t chalk up the same and you know it.”

He stops smiling. “He doesn’t need his head filled with shit when he has a job to do.”

“I’ve told him that.”

“There isn’t time for love for people like us. Not now. Not when it doesn’t help the cause. At least you know that.”

“What are you talking about?” I should go back to my room. It would be more constructive to stare at the ceiling. Or maybe go out and usher their discussion to a close…and find out how the hell she got here. She couldn’t have hiked. Could she?

His smirk is back. “Oh come on. You know exactly what I’m talking about. Although, it could be looking to get a bit trickier for you.”

“What are you talking about?” I grit out.

The smirk gets bigger. “I get my information the best I know how. I do my job, I get laid, no attachments, it balances out perfectly. But you, you’re tangled up with Ozera.”

He leans fully out on the riling, taking interest in them again as both voices temporally spike to and climb over each other. I was going to have to go down there. Brilliant.

“I mean,” He begins quietly,“If Ben becomes too distracted Victor will at least give him the choice, depending on how badly he starts to preform, to give her up or his job. If he’s smart then he’ll cut her loose.  Victor can also give us choices. He needs jobs done. Information gathered and right now you’re personal ties are caught up in a precarious area.”

Get to the point so I can shut it down.

He glances down to the rail and his lips twitch before he looks back out at the drive. I look down and my knuckles are white.

“Victor values his ties to people, you know as much. He has the Ozera family name tied to his now, has their support but we all know Lucas and Moira will remove it the first chance they get. Whether they run or get a message out to Nathan who knows but they will get out somehow. And when that happens he’s going to need another Ozera in his corner. Ronald is a snooty wanker and Evette isn’t interested in anything unless is sparkles. So who do you think he’s going to keep close?”

“Tasha and Victor already have their own understanding.” I say and have trouble moving my teeth apart. “Don’t try to make out that it has to become sordid.”

Spiridon give me a look reserved for simpletons. “Now they do but when the world turns on her brother, her nephews father do you think an understanding will outweigh blood? Outweigh _love_?”

“And you’re suggesting what exactly? Victor will ask me to monopolise my friendship for his gain?”

He tuts. “You put it so crudely. What can counter family love? I believe authors and bohemian’s say true love conquers all.”

I should talk with Spiridon more often, it was exhausting. “I’m going to offer Sonya a lift.”

“If Victor asks you to make a choice between acting on something that’s already there with you and Tasha or your job, your families protection, are you really going to tell him no?”

My tongue is lead and my heart rate has picked up. I can’t answer.

“No, because you’re not a fucking idiot.” He murmurs. “Learn to put your morals aside Dimitri, you’ll need to. Make life easy and start something with her. Everyone knows she’s wanted it since hormones kicked in.”

My nails dig into my palms.

“They,” he points down to the drive, “are idiots. And idiots don’t make it out alive.”

“Forgive me but you are not someone I take reliable advice from.”

He turns to me. “You honestly think you know Victor better than I do?”

I return his gaze. All frivolous humour banished. This was as close to real emotion as he would get, as close to personal. “I don’t contest that.”

“He will ask you if it comes to it.” He repeats. “All women romanticise their lives. Does she choose the _Russian god_ who’s helping the man who wants to save the world or her deranged brother in league with the leeches trying to destroy it?”

“She’ll make the right decision regardless.” I snap. “Not everybody needs self-interest to motivate them to do the right thing.”

“Who cares what motivates people as long as they do what you want. Oh, she’s crying now.”

I turn on my heel and slip back into the house, closing the deck door behind me. I send Ben a quick text to tell him to resolve the issue, hoping it would be enough of a kick in the ass to put some sort of line under this. It had to stop.

I stride down the hall with every intention of going my room and taking up some breathing exercises. Or punching my pillows.

But I pause on the landing outside Rose’s door, the faint buzz of voices carrying through. She’s still awake and watching TV.

I should leave her be. Explaining Estonia could wait until tomorrow. But I didn’t want to go to my room with a new surge of thoughts to attack me. I didn’t want to be on my own. I didn’t want to have to deal with Ben’s shit. I didn’t want to be anywhere near Spiridon.

 I pull the book from my waistband and rap on the door.

///////////

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being such loyal readers :D I was supposed to upload this before my holiday and when I got back yesterday 3,000 words just seemed to add on haha.
> 
> I know my updating is frustrating, I’m sorry. I really am, it stresses me out to. Just know I’m not going to abandon this story and I will actively try and work on quicker updates.
> 
> xxx


	25. Behind the masks

RPOV

“Haven’t ya heard? I’m the crazy bitch around here.” Blair smirks, the arc of her lips transforming her pretty, sweet face. 

I hit pause and study it. How did she do that? It was like wattage subtly being turned up. In her eyes maybe? Something just highlighting her ample cheeks and dark brown eyes with confidence and …power. No doubt. It would be hard to imitate a girl like her and according to Natalie there were a lot of girls like her, which was why it was a part of my homework to watch this show.

Natalie wanted to teach how people in her world were by having me watch this show.

Calculating, scheming, manipulative, fake and narcissistic. I knew people could be like that. Mistress Ozera flashes in my mind. I wanted to avoid people like that. I wanted to know Lissas and Natalie and Dimitris and Bens, maybe I could even tolerate Spiridons. But the girls in this show were clever and … it all seemed like a big game. Scheme, attack, win or lose. Repeat.  Try and impress people above you….

The world couldn’t be full of games could it? And people who thought they were entitled to everything. The only difference with this show was that they were all human because Moroi stayed away from the spotlight. Natalie said the only performers in her, our, world stayed to performing in theatres and the few recorded artists stayed very ‘low key’. I wish that wasn’t the only difference.

Chuck should have gotten a lot more than punched for what he tried to do to Jenny. And there was more. Sex could be a part of the games too but that just seemed to blow up in their faces. And even though it was hard to watch I couldn’t stop watching at those parts and mostly because I didn’t get it. I understood it tied with jealousy and manipulating and affection but I just didn’t get it. I wanted to ask Natalie about it, about how she and her boyfriend…worked but I didn’t know how. And it was horribly embarrassing.

It was a horrible subject.

I wanted to stay away from it as well. Not only did it confuse me but it tried to contort things. Watching Serena and Dan eat each other’s faces and Blair and Chuck have these prolonged tense encounters had seeped into my head so that I had a bizarre dream last night. I was reliving those moments only I was in them… and all I wanted was for Dan to leave me alone.  Then I was on a rooftop with buildings all stretched out in front of me, we were up so high the streets below were covered by cloud. 

“You tell me first.” Dimitri had said, staring down expectantly. He was in one of Victors suits and I had resisted asking him why.

“Why do I always have to say things first?”  I’d huffed and hopped up onto the edge of the wall. That’s when I realised I was in a dress and I’d clamped my legs together and pulled the material tight across my legs. Below my knees were bare. They were more shapely too, my thighs, not like chicken legs.

And I felt warm.

Dimitri came closer and leans his hip on the wall, close to my knee and thigh and bare skin.

I felt warmer but he wasn’t acting right. He was sort of pouting…like Chuck.

“I told you. You can tell me anything.” He’d purred and his voice wasn’t his own anymore it was Chucks.  But that didn’t seem ridiculous at the time and neither did wearing a dress. I felt quite brave.

“I don’t want to leave.”

Dimitri nods and then steps in front of me so we’re eye level. My legs are bare below my knees. It’s very warm.  He’s looking at me like I could ask him anything.

“But you have to.”

And then he pushed me off the building.

I woke up confused and irritated, but that could be down to the intense ache between my thighs from the situation. Which shouldn’t be acting up as it was tapering off now…

My body hated me.

The show was annoying and none of those ‘actors’ looked sixteen either. Unless humans aged quicker than us.

I go to the menu and click into favourites.

_“Welcome to blue planet, the show that delves into the blue abyss and explores the other world within our own…”_

I sit up straighter as the screen ignites a brilliant blue. The angle tilts and my head tilts with it. Then the camera is rushing over mountains and tress until it drops off a cliff to show the great expanse of water.

The sea.

I thought the lake was overwhelming. This never ending navy gave me the feeling of needing to hold onto the bed beneath me. And it housed more than fish, great, incredible animals.

A knock on the door interrupts the voice introducing what looked like a grey dog. Only it had no fur and had some resemblance to a dolphin. I’d learned about those yesterday.

“Come in.”

For a moment the walls threaten to rush toward me when I imagine Spiridon opening the door but the room breathes a sigh of relief when Dimitri opens the door.

“Am I disturbing you?”

I glance at the screen and back at him. “Yeah but that’s okay. Come in.”

Natalie said people prefer it when you’re straight with them. It makes you trustworthy and it did make me feel better being able to be honest, after the feeling of my heart being seizes by a fist passes.

And being honest with Dimitri was good practice.

He side steps into the room and closes the door behind him. He remains by the door as if he doesn’t want to intrude any further but leans forward to get a better look at the screen.

“Discovery planet?”

I nod.

“I thought Natalie had you hooked on …” He searches for the right word or maybe he’s trying to remember the name. “Teen drama’s.”

“I’m taking a break to watch this.” I flick the channel back to the other paused show. “Gossip Girl is my homework.”

He tilts his head. “And what is it exactly you’re supposed to study?”

I sit up straighter and clutch my ankles as I recall Natalie’s exact words. “The relations of power in a teenage social structure. She’s going to ask me questions.”

“Sounds like a test I would fail.”

I always failed set tests but at least this time my assessor wasn’t so violent. “I don’t think I’m going to do so well either.”

He shifts his weight to the left and I almost wish he’d sit down. Almost. “What’s the purpose of this test?”

“I think… to show me how people my age are, girls more importantly.”

“I see. You have to bear in mind it’s all fiction and not accurately reality.”

There’s was a stress in his voice that made me want to roll my eyes. I was not that impressionable or naïve. I was... ignorant. I liked to believe there was a difference. I knew television was about people reading off pages and acting. Like how reading a book caused images and people to come alive in my head. Someone else’s words but it was my mind seeing them.

“I know.”

He nods and shifts to the right. His chin tilts down and he looks up at me. Studies. I hold my ankles tighter.

“And what do you think of the show then? I don’t know what it’s about but I get the general jist of teenage dramas.”

I shrug. “I don’t really understand why they want to do the things they do or want to impress each other so badly. I don’t know why they do bad things to each other and then be friends again. I don’t know why a lot of it is important. It…. frustrates me.” And some of it made me angry.

He nods like being so ignorant isn’t ranked with stupid. Sometimes Natalie made me feel stupid but not on purpose. 

“I think some of that may be the point. Being a teenager is a lot of trial and error. You’re trying to figure out who you are and what you believe whilst trying to see where what you’ve been told to believe or taught fits in. Going from having decisions made for you to having to make them yourself and can lead people to be selfish because it’s their first instinct, to look out for themselves so that can cause some fallout between friends and family. It’s years of trying to figure it out.”

How was he so smart? “They make a lot of errors.”

His lips twitch. “Are they rich?”

I nod.

“Then they’re spoilt and the selfish aspect is a lot heavier then.”

“Are you sure you haven’t seen the show?”

“I don’t have to. I’ve lived it.”

What a startling thought. Dimitri had gone to school like Natalie and Lissa, and as far as I was aware he wasn’t rich. Also he is a Dhampir so… in terms of status he wasn’t like Chuck or Nate or Blair… he was like Jenny or Dan.

I liked those two.

“Anyway, I wanted to give you something.” He says, voice dipping. I sit up straighter as he reaches behind him and produces a small book. “My sister gave me this. It’s one of her favourites but I thought maybe you’d enjoy it.”

He takes three steps toward the bed and holds it out. I crawl forwards and take it from him.

“’Harry Potter and the philosophers stone.’” I look up from the brightly animated cover. “What’s a philosophers stone?”

There’s something pleased in his face but it’s hard to pinpoint. “You’ll have to read it to find out.”

I run my thumb over the cover. “Did you like it?”

“It reminds me of her so yes.”

My fingers tighten on the shiny surface with its cracks that show wear from being loved. I was holding something important to two people. One I’d never met but had given it to her brother, someone special to her, someone she loved and now he was sharing it with me.

This was important.

“Thank you.”

His expression shies back into its modest way. “You’re welcome. It’s nothing like what you have been reading but I hope you like it.”

I glance over to the bedside table where _‘Moroi culture: Nostru Istorie’_ , _‘Before you go into the woods. A guide to wild life’_ and of course, a dictionary all sit like reliable friends.

“I’m sure I will. Thank you.”

He nods and I expect him to excuse himself but instead he asks, “Why a dictionary?”

“It’s familiar.” He raises an eyebrow and I realize Victor mustn’t have told him. “It was one of the books I had. It…tells me the truth.”

“Books are good at showing us that. Let me know what you think of that one, if it decides to tell you anything or if you don’t like it.”

“More homework.” I try and I gain a small smile from him. His gaze drops by my shoulder and his grin fades. Before I know it he’s perched on the edge of the bed. A new warmth presses up against me.

“It looks better.”

I catch myself doing it again. Tracing the planes of his face when he won’t notice and sometimes it’s not just his face but his shoulders. How wide and solid they are. I don’t know why that’s fascinating but it is. Before he notices I follow his line of sight which happens to be on me, on my arm. The sleeve had been pushed up to let the moisturizer dry.

I extend it out and the dark pink grooves shine angrily in the light. “It’s ugly.”

Natalie’s reaction had told me as much. I’d been changing the dressing in the bathroom and Natalie had been perched on the bath tub after following me in without hesitation which I found worrying because what if I had needed to do something else? But she had been talking to me about the different uses of coconut oil when her voice of cut off and in the mirror.

“Scars aren’t supposed to pretty. They’re proof you survived.”

That made sense I suppose. I could find pride in that.  I am covered in scars so if I couldn’t be pretty then I could be proud. 

Natalie’s skin was smooth and flawless. Milky pale and soft which she said was all down to her skin care routine which I was to adapt but looking down at my own hands, calloused and with the dark scar on the back of my left hand, I doubted they’d ever be as pretty. Not that it mattered.

“It will fade.” He adds, as if sensing the need to comfort by shallow thoughts. “The cocobutter will help.”

I look up at him. “How did you know that?”

That faint smile comes back. I wanted to find the switch that would turn it up, make his face alight in happiness. But with Dimitri was that even possible? Sometimes it seemed ‘revolutionary’ (word of the day, thanks to history book) to have his full attention at all, that a part of his mind isn’t off elsewhere thinking, worrying, planning or being a Gaurdian.

“My sister used it religiously when she was pregnant. It helped with stretchmark’s and she always smelled like this.”

An odd feeling ripples in my tummy. “Your sister had a baby?”

He hums, smile fading. “And she’s having another but I haven’t seen her since she found out.” I picture a faceless woman with an alien roundness to her stomach, like a ball had been shoved under her clothes. “Her first, Paul, is four – no – five. His birthday was last week.”

“Oh.” Is all I can think to say but then I need to say something else because I can see him leaving, pulling away into his thoughts. He looks exhausted. “What is he – what is he like?”

He snaps back to the present. “Paul? Oh well he’s – “ The smile flourishes again, teeth spied for a moment, and I may have found the switch. “Well they say he looks like me. Dark hair, only his is more curly and brown eyes. He’s tall too, for his age.”

“Smart?”

“Smart?” He repeats.

I almost cough. “Uh, well you are and you said he’s like you so…”

He looks amused or maybe flattered. “He is quite bright but he gets it from Karolina, very creative and brave in the way children are.” He lets out a laugh and my shoulders jolt in surprise. He doesn’t notice. “We bought him a leggo set for Christmas and he wanted to build a rocket ship that had been in his cartoon. So he assembled the leggo, which are little plastic blocks that connect to each other, and the model was almost exact. Impressive for a four year old at the very least and we told him how good it was but he wasn’t happy because the leggo didn’t have the ability to actually launch...” He was really grinning now and he’d leant back on the bed. His hand was near my thigh as one arm kept him propped up. I clutch my ankles again. “So he went in search for the lighter fluid and cello-taped a lot of newspaper to the bottom.”

I didn’t know from experience what leggo was but he’d just told me it was plastic and that mixed with lighter fluid and fire…

Dimitri is still grinning. “Fortunately we kept the matches on top of the cabinet so he had to ask me to retrieve them.”

“Spoiling his plans.”

He hums again. “. Karolina confiscated the leggo and Paul through a tantrum. Which I guess you would if you’d put so much time and effort into building a five hundred block replica rocket. Also sent to bed without pudding isn’t nice either.”

“No.” I   murmur in agreement. I’d be in danger of throwing a tantrum too now that I lived like I do, especially when I prepared the desserts or knew the kind of treats lurking. Although the idea of Victor sending me to bed without dessert seems ridiculous, Natalie would argue on my behalf. And Spiridon would be so smug and probably eat mine too.

Dimitri would probably save me his though.

“Why are you smiling?” I demand, the idea of a little Dimitri upset and being sent to a dark bedroom in my mind and clearly needing defending.

Dimitri’s eyes soften. “I felt very guilty so I woke him up early and we snuck out. There’s was a man called Crooks in our village who you could buy anything from. Anything at all. So I bought a firework and we let it off.”

He grins at me and hollowly I mirror it. “They’re the things that explode in the sky right?”

His grin falters and he nods. “Yes. You’ll see soon. Halloween is next month and I’m told Natalie always has a big party.”

“Where?”

“Well, here.”

My heart stops. “And I’ll be here?”

“Do you have plans to be elsewhere?”

I glare at him and he laughs. I want to shove him off the bed but I’d be shoving against a mountain and then I’d suffer the scolding humiliation I’d had earlier when he’d taken the trail with such ease and I was close to lying down and refusing to ever move again.

“Will I have to stay in my, the room?” I pluck the duvet.

“I don’t see why you would, unless you wanted to. There will be a lot of people, even if Natalie is told to downsize. People your age.”

My stomach drops down a floor and starts bouncing around the utility room.

Dimitri lightly touches my knee. “You won’t have to be there if you don’t want to be.”

“People dress up at Halloween.” Is all I can think to say.

“Yes.”

“Will you dress up?”

“Yes.”

“As what?”

“A socially at ease person in black.”

I frown and thankfully I dissect the sarcasm in time to stay in on the joke. “You’d have to smile more.”

“That’s the challenge.”

I take a deep breath. “Why don’t you smile more?”

His gaze measures me and my stomach blasts back up into my body to start expanding. “Well working in close quarters to…. Some people –“

“Spiridon.”

“- can undermine that. Do I seem unpleasant then?”

“What? No.” I say quickly and squash Natalie’s voice in her bedroom out as they rear up. Somehow he seems to be reading my mind again and looks disbelieving. “You always seem …sad.”

“Sad?” He repeats and I know immediately I’ve said the wrong thing.

“Well no, let me think.” I rack around my head willing my words to fling themselves forward. They’d been my only friends for months and now they were deserting me. “Like… like you’re not always here. Like there’s something else your thinking off that makes you down….despondent.”

“I come across as hopeless?” He says sceptically and I glare at him.

“You come across as detached.” I snap, a small part of me wondering how being mean to him is going to make him want to talk to me. “Always in two places at once.”

He watches me steadily and finally he says, “I see.”

I expect him get up and leave but he doesn’t. So we both just sit there. Serena and Dan are frozen on screen mid-dance. I’ve suspended their moment even longer. I hope they appreciate it, they both knew they didn’t want to let the other go. Unlike this moment when I wasn’t sure what I should be doing or what he was thinking. I have a stupid notion where I think maybe I should leave the room.

Instead I venture out into the dark with, “Is it because you miss them?”

I hear him take a long, deep breath. I dare glance up and I’m startled to see he looks exactly like I’d described. Sad. His head isn’t held up and proud, his lips are slightly downturned and his eyes unguarded. It’s like seeing someone else. I feel like locking the door. I feel like taking his hand.

I feel very confused.

“Yes.” He says quietly. “I miss them all the time.”

This is why I didn’t want to make Dimitri’s phone call. He spoke to his family all the time or I assumed he had, and he still looked like this so it obviously didn’t help. It made it worse. It made it more prominent that they were not here.

“When will you see them again?” Hopefully this will make him see the future as a happier subject even though the thought of him leaving to visit doesn’t sit well.

When he doesn’t answer right away I look up again and find him watching Dan and Serena’s moment. “I don’t know.”

“Oh, well I’m sure it will be soon or you could ask Victor…arrange something?”

His lips break into a small smile again but there’s nothing happy about it. He looks at me. “They don’t want to see me Rose. They don’t want to speak to me.”

I’m sure I look like Natalie did when she saw my scar. I knew he’d said something about it in the garden, in that weird dreamlike morning, but that was weeks ago. “Why?”

He turns more toward me, bringing one knee up onto the bed. “I … do you remember I told you I’d done something believing it was for the best? Well what I did, what I’ve done is…” He sighs. “My father is a terrible man. He always has been. He has always come and went from our lives, sometimes he was there and other time he wasn’t. Sometimes I would stay at rather than travel home at the weekend. That was incredibly selfish because it meant leaving my sisters and grandmother to deal with our parents. When they were together sometimes it could be fine. Sometimes it was almost normal… he would make her laugh and she’d always be smiling but when he was drunk his temperament would swing the other way. Shouting, screaming… beatings.”

I dared not breathe. I dared not make a noise that would be offensive.

“He would lash out for no reason and it was usually my mother that got it, not always but mostly and afterwards, especially if he ended visit on a bad note she would become …temperamental herself. She would blame us and scream and cry, scared he would never come back and we all wished he wouldn’t but he did. It wasn’t easier when he left on a good note either. The withdrawals could be just a bad.”

“Withdrawals?”  

“I believe the term you’d most understand, that you’ve heard Natalie use, is ‘blood whore’. It’s in your history book I’m sure.”

Yes I did know. Yes I did understand and sickeningly I could almost imagine how his mother would be because mine would be the same when the Master didn’t come for days or weeks. When he hadn’t visited and that blissed-out look I’d seen in Alice’s eyes would completely fade from hers… and she’d whisper horrible things at me in the dark. Blame me for things.

I’d imagined so many things about Dimitri’s family. Imagined him happy surrounded by laughing, smiling people that were Lissa or Natalie. I couldn’t picture this.

“When I was twelve I stood up to him. I’d undergone enough basic training. I was angry enough and so I unleashed it on him one night when he’d gone off. I broke a few things, tossed him out and told him to never come back. Karolina had to hold my mother back otherwise she would have come to his defence. My grandmother slipped a sleeping draught into her drink and when she woke up a few days later she wasn’t angry, having slept through the worst of the withdrawal symptoms I suppose. She promised to never see him again.”

Dimitri looks up at me. “It didn’t last but it was a quiet year.”

“He came back.”

“Yes and it was the same, maybe a little worse. I stayed at school more and hated myself when I did.”

“I’d stay away if I could.”

“And leave everyone else to deal with it.” He murmurs, not really asking but casting judgement on himself. I’m about to argue when he carries on.

“My temper almost became a problem. Galina noticed early enough and took me under her wing, trained me in her spare time, pushed me to exert control.”

That explained his scary calmness. How he could regard Spiridon like nothing more than a fly.

“She was your mentor. She taught you like you’ll teach me?”

He hesitates. “Somewhat the same.”

I realise I may have ruined the moment and I urge him on in a way I hope doesn’t seem as pushy as it really is.

“Galina’s methods helped me keep my head at home but I knew it had to stop. My sisters and grandmother agreed but they were frightened, especially when Paul was born. My father had hinted at taking him away.” Dimitri’s jaw tenses and a sharpness enters his eyes. “I had to find a way to get his hold off our lives. It was a miracle really when Victor came to me. I’d met him once, on graduation day from school when I became qualified. He’d come to… well he wanted to congratulate us. He’d given me his card but I didn’t think much of it. I was away working when Karolina called me on a particularly bad night. My father had broken my mother’s wrist and Paul had been so scared he’d hidden inside a wardrobe. No one found him for hours thinking he’s left the house. Hearing my sister like that I knew I had to do something. I rang Victor and negotiated the terms of my services. I would take less money in exchange for him to hide them and he has.”

“But why…why would they be angry with you for that?”

He sighs and the weight of the universe settles on his shoulders. “Karolina’s and Sonja aren’t so much angry but frustrated. My mother has not been easy to handle at all and they had to find new jobs. She was furious and sees it as being held against her will, not being able to see him and not being able to contact him. Although it was agreed if she could be sober, abstain from being fed on, for a few months she’d be liable to make her own rash decisions. She hasn’t been able to do that.”

“But she’s not near him so why-“

“Victor relocated them to another Dhampir community. There are always moroi visitors and it’s not like we can keep her locked in the house.”

He runs a hand through his hair and I wish I could smooth it back for him. When I was little I would do that for Janine. Eddie had liked it too.

“What about Viktoria?” I ask shyly, hoping I’ve remembered correctly.

“She is angry. She’s been taken away from her friends, her school and she has to deal with everything going on. She’s also the youngest. I understand her anger completely.”

 I lean toward him. My fingers are itching to take his, to give an anchor to the loneliness and desolation in his eyes or to communicate what I can’t say which is he hadn’t done a bad thing. He hasn’t done anything remotely bad.

“And I know my mother makes it worse, uses me to justify her outbursts and nastiness. It doesn’t help.”

His hand is rougher, warmer, and sturdier than I’d expected. His long fingers long suddenly tense under my grip.

“I’m sorry she doesn’t see what you have done for them. I’m sorry this is hurting you.”

He looks at me as if I’ve said something unworldly or completely random like he hasn’t been the one baring his secrets tonight. He looks down at our hands and I can feel mine growing warmer and I worry it’s going to start burning.

His fingers curl to tighten on mine. “Thank you.”

“Karolina will be grateful. Her new baby will never know him and Paul won’t have to be scared of him.”

He nods. “She has said that but it’s still hard. Her partner has to travel further to see them and he has to contractually swear to never reveal their location. My fathers a very wealthy man and can be very persuasive. Charming when he wants to be.”

“But he doesn’t know Victor has helped you.” I murmur, remembering why Dimitri was the one to remain behind on Victor’s trip to Court.

“No. It would be very bad if he found out.”

I wished I could hurt him, Dimitri’s father, just how I wished and imagined hurting Mistress and Master Ozera. Maybe one day I could. What the three of them stood for, their names, it didn’t matter to me. It mattered to Victor who had kept Dimitri from court so his father wouldn’t antagonise or try to mess up his plans.  And Dimitri wouldn’t be able to do anything without compromising Victor. I was no one. I could hurt people and disappear.

My hand is still in his and my thumb draws a small circle on his skin. “They’re safe from him.”

He nods. “And that’s what matters, whether they hate me or not.”

“They can’t hate you.” I say strongly. “They just need… someone to blame and you’re not there to defend yourself or calm it down.”

“Mediate?”

“Yeah.”

“You have no idea…” He shakes his head and inhales deeply, strength returning to his frame. He looks into my eyes. “Thank you for listening to me.”

My heartbeat is in my ears like it is when I’m in trouble but I‘m not in trouble. Am I? “You’ve done so much for me. It’s nothing.”

He cocks his head and a strand of bronze falls over his brow. “You then know more than anyone how much it can mean to have someone _listen_.”

I can only smile. My fingers begin to burn and without permission they let him go. He looks startled like he’d forgotten we’d been doing it.

“Yes well, Natalie gives me good practice.”

“Oh, yes. I’m sure she does.” He clears his throat and sits back. Immediately I can feel the wall being thrown back up.  “I didn’t mean to put that on you. Sorry-“

I throw up my hands. “No, that’s not what I meant. Please don’t.”

He nods, closing and opening his eyes as he does so which seems to calm him.

“You look exhausted.” I murmur. “Do you ever sleep?”

His lips twitch and he looks at me almost sheepishly. “Not as much as I should. It might help with my _detatchment_ issues. I need to be focused especially in the next couple of days.”

I want to ask about his sleeping and about what goes on in that room where he has private phone calls to someone who isn’t his family but instead I ask, “Are we looking for Zmey?”

He looks immediately alert, despite everything. He considers me for a few seconds and I know he’s thinking in Guardian form and no longer himself, like all himself.

“We’re not actively seeking Zmey out in Estonia, no. I wanted to talk to you about the trip actually. Clarify a few things. Whilst we’re there you must do everything you are told to be safe. You shouldn’t be left alone at any point but if you are then you stay where you are until one of us comes back for you, unless you’re told to do otherwise. Understand? Good. Do not wander off. When we’re there we will be going to investigate … a crime scene. As it stands I think Ben will be staying with you but we’ll know more closer to the time. The basic principles are don’t stray, don’t speak to anyone you don’t know and do everything you’re told in order to stay safe.”

All that kind of went without saying but I suppose it was better to have it said. Enforced it all and helped me understand where I stood in amidst all their planning and talking of people and clauses and court at the dinner table. I only mentioned Zmey because they’d mentioned him a lot and ‘The Circle’ and now they’d assume I knew because of that and not from Ben’s email.

Me and Lissa hadn’t said anything about it but whenever they had been discussing it at the table I’d had this niggling in my mind, like I needed to tell Victor about Lissa knowing. I had no idea why. I was able to squash it down.

I tuck my knees up. “Who’s the person your meeting? The informant.”

Dimitri crosses his arms and shifts back to the edge of the bed. “And what does that matter to you?”

I shrug and grab my ankles. “Curious I guess. Nosey.”

“Naturally.” He murmurs in agreement. “On a namesake basis we have no idea. We will let them know when we land and then they’ll let us know where. We have only specified meeting in a crowded public place…you may have to come along. You will be safe.”

“You keep saying that like it’s something I doubt or worry about.”

He looks hard at me. “You should worry about your safety.”

“Not when I’m with you.”

Something flickers in the dark brown depths of his eyes but then his jaw clenches. “Not that you should doubt that your well-being isn’t important when you are with us but you must understand that Victor is priority.”

I stare back at him. “They come first.”

He nods.

And then there’s a loud outside like something being thrown at the wall. Dimitri’s out the door and into the hall before an unexpected, surprising cuss has left my mouth. I scramble off the bed and follow him, the sound of more thuds, shuffling and hushed voices meeting me in the doorway.

Ben is backed up against the library door and Dimitri has one hand on his chest like he’s holding him there. Spiridon is slouched against Victors Office door and he’s grinning which could not be a good sign.

“Don’t you ever-“ Ben begins, the words scraping past his teeth and making him sound like a complete stranger. Someone I’d never like to meet. “Speak about her like that again. Don’t you ever.”

“That’s the thing about the truth.” Spiridon says grinning and pushing himself up right. “It hurts people.”

Ben moves and Dimitri roughly shoves him back.

“You both need to pack this in.” Dimitri hisses. “In less than 10 hours we’re boarding a plane to go into a precarious situation. We need to be a unit.”

“I really don’t see how that’s going to be an issue.” Spiridon drawls.

Dimitri’s hand leaves Ben so he can face Spiridon entirely. “It will be an issue if you continue to antagonise and show no respect, not even for us, but for Victor and his operations. He needs us operating to our strengths and we need to rely on each other.”

Spiridon points between them. “Soooo sort out your shit then. If you two were discrete enough to leave your personal life out of things I wouldn’t have anything to comment on, would I?”

Ben bears forward and Dimitri’s arm raises an arm to hold him back.

 “It’s pretty easy to keep your fucking mouth shut or do I need to give you incentive to.” Ben growls.

He didn’t sound like himself at all. It made me want to the lock my bedroom door or go down there and help form a human wall with Dimitri. I didn’t want Ben getting into any more trouble and especially not for the idiot with stupid hair.

“You could try.” The idiot sneers

Dimitri has to shove Ben back again and throw a warning hand out at Spiridon who squares up to take an oncoming attack. I glance at the ceiling hoping Victor will remain asleep.

“Enough!” Dimitri demands in whisper.  “For Victor’s sake, enough.”

I expect another sarcastic comment from Spiridon but instead he takes some deep breathes and his stance changes. He backs down.

“I’ll see you both at five.” He says and looks around Dimitri’s shoulder at Ben. “Get your excuses in order… probably your resume too.”

He turns away, one fleeting look at me and walks away to his bedroom. The sound of his footsteps almost non-existent.

“It’s easy for you to keep your personal life low down isn’t it?” Ben calls after him in low voice. I wish he would just shut up and from the way Dimitri’s eyes have closed I’d guess he’s thinking the same. “Seeing Victor is all you have.”

The only response is the closing of a door.

Dimitri rounds on Ben and they both stare at each other.

“Rose, please go back into your room and try to get some sleep.” Dimitri says.

I nod but he doesn’t see so I step back inside and close the door, locking it. I turn off the TV and listen hard for anything else but it’s quiet for two minutes and thirty eight seconds until footsteps lightly tread outside my door and my heart freezes.

The door across the hall clicks.

I let out a deep breath.

I check my bag again and wish I’d asked Dimitri to give it the once over. I could ask later when we get up. I stuff all the panties into a different compartment that I can make him avoid opening.

Then I can’t stand it anymore. All day it had been hurting and I couldn’t do it anymore. I yank off my shirt/ Dimitri’s shirt and untuck the end of the bandage and start unravelling, the relief not coming quick enough.

And then it’s like being able to properly breathe and before the whole material can fall away I scurry into the bathroom. It seemed wrong to be naked in a big room. I shut the door and lock it, letting the bandages fall to the floor.

My breasts have been so tender recently.  I step in front of the mirror expecting to see bruises or some sign as to why but there’s nothing. Only that they’re bigger. But I was getting bigger everywhere and my hips or thighs didn’t hurt.

Stupid Body.

I touch the soft, achy pudge and wince. It was like kneading a bruise but in a good way. If it got any worse it was going to be so hard to wind myself back into bindings. I could say I was ill but they’d still make me go. They couldn’t leave me here. Maybe they’d leave Ben with me? If he was in trouble. But Dimitri said Victor needed them all for this trip.

I start rubbing the other one too as it seems to be helping.

Natalie hadn’t mentioned anything about bra’s again since I freaked out although she did make point in telling me _Gossip Girl_ would show girls in ‘camisoles’ and under garments and I could skip those parts if I wanted. I didn’t skip. I actually re-watched those parts when I was alone.  It was just… I don’t know. Those girls walking around in their underwear or thin silky dress-like nightclothes …they looked …I don’t know. They were so confident and weren’t ashamed or terrified. Blair waiting in the dark room lit with candles springs forth in my mind. How she was waiting for Chuck, the same Chuck who had attacked Jenny, and the situation could have went so so badly. But it hadn’t. She’d almost gotten what she wanted by looking like that, by manipulating him with her body like that…she looked amazing.

And I hated I thought so.

What dignity or sense was there in wearing things like that? Why were they all so fascinated by sex or fighting about it? Tossing around love as a reason but then they all go and hurt each other anyway which isn’t love. Sex just seemed to be some …senseless thing that a dark instinct drove. I didn’t have that instinct. I didn’t want it.

But I did…I did picture…I had imagine myself in the scarlet underwear, the black pantyhose and smiling like the women on the poster I had seen back in Arizona. I had imagined it in those last moments before falling asleep when I could justify dreams tugging me toward nonsensical thoughts.

Then I’d dreamt bizarrely.

But now I’m doing it again. Imaging myself where Blair is, or being Blair as imaging myself in items I’ve never had is harder, waiting in the dark for someone. Someone I wanted answers fromg and I was going to use my body like a weapon to get them, a weapon instead of a hindrance.  My skin is smooth and silky like Natalie’s, my bones don’t jut out and someone is moving through the dark bedroom. My hand trails over my thigh, my touch tracing the black material and then crossing over to supple skin. The stranger notices me do it.

I feel in control. Powerful. Proud of my body.

The tall, dark shadow approaches the bedside and I deliver Blair’s line. He stoops down.

It’s Dimitri.

My eyes fly open and stare at myself in utter shock in the mirror, taking in some stranger who is holding her breasts and thinking _stupid, vile_ thoughts. The shock quickly warps to disgust and I turn away.

I pull on my sleepshirt utterly appalled at my mind. Then I realise it’s his shirt and quickly take it off again. I race out into the bedroom, the sheer size making me feel even more exposed and unnerved, and pull on a different pyjama top.

I turn out all the lights and crawl under the covers as if it can hide what had just happened. It could and so can the dark. No one would ever know. No one would ever know what sick, stupid things I thought.

Stupid Body.

I was just being stupid. Trying to project things in my life into a TV show, into make-believe. It didn’t mean anything. It was silly. I wouldn’t do it again.

So why was it trying to play in mind like a new episode, a re-written episode. I clench my legs together and roll onto my side, burying my head into the pillow. I couldn’t think like this. Why was I? It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Dimitri either.

I am horror struck by the idea of him knowing. Knowing this after what he’d told me.

But he would never know.

And I would stop thinking like this.

I would think of… I would think of… my mother. My mother would be so ashamed of me. I am so ashamed of me. She would slap me. She would keep slapping me. Or she would  turn away from me and never turn back.

I would never think like that again.

I grip the pillow and for once I’m more terrified of myself than anything else.

#

I wake up to pounding and for one wild moment I think Ben’s banging Spiridon’s head off the wall outside.

“Rose.” Dimitri barks through the door. “Are you awake?”

Before I can answer it he’s hammering again and I fall out of bed trying to get up. I kick away the sheet and scramble for the door, trying to call out some answer which is basically ‘what’ and ‘yes’ tumbling out of my mouth.

I pull back the lock and pull open the door. Dimitri glares down at me fully dressed and with his long cowboy coat on over the top of his dark clothes.

My heart stops as I remember what I did last night and wonder if he somehow knew.

“Didn’t you set your alarm?” He demands.

“I –“  I had. I’d set it ten minutes earlier than he’d told me to. But I’d hit snooze knowing that so it would wake me up at the right time.

“You have five minutes to get dressed and be down stairs.” He says and then nods over my shoulder. “Do you need anything from you travel bag.”

I shake my head without even thinking the question through. He was too much of a Guardian right not and I was very much not awake.

He slides past me and snatches up the bag. “Four minutes, thirty seconds.” He strides back and closes the door behind him.

I stand dumbly for a moment and then I tear into the bathroom, snatching up my laid out outfit on the way. Four minutes? I look from the clothes I’m holding to the bandages on the counter top. I needed more time. I didn’t have time.

My mouth judders as I inhale.

I look back down at my clothes. I was going to be wearing a shirt and a cable knit jumper. That would surely hide it. And I could keep my jacket on until I got some privacy.

Three minutes.

I take a deep breath and then I yank my shirt over my head.

When I’m dressed I dash out of the bathroom and pull my shoes out from under the bed and slip them on. A serrated edge scratches my hand and I pull out the bag of marshmallows I’d hidden under there. Bens. I had forgotten about them and hid them there so Natalie wouldn’t eat them. I tuck them under my arm and fly out of the room.

Dimitri’s standing by the open front door with his wrist held up, eyes on his watch. I can hear the others outside getting into the cars. I hit the foyer and cross my arms over my chest.

His eyes lift from his watch. “Twenty seconds to spare.”

“Until what?” I grumble, sleep still fogging my head. My eyes were stinging. I hadn’t been able to sleep for ages. My heart does a flip as I remember why and I refuse to look back up at him.

“Until I came to throw you over my shoulder. No matter what state you were in.” He says flatly and flicks his hand at the door. I scurry out with him a hairsbreadth behind me and causing goosebumps to rise all over my skin. I pick up speed down the garden path.

Two of the car’s doors were open. Victor and Spiridon were in one and Ben was in the other. I choose Ben’s car and wait for someone to tell me otherwise. But Dimitri doesn’t say anything as I climb into the back and Ben looks back from the driver’s seat.

“You sure you wanna be in here kid? Everyone else is riding in the other car.”

Sure enough Dimitri is casting me a glance before pulling open the door of the other car and climbing inside.

“I’m sure.” I say quietly.

He seems to be in a better mood than last night. Maybe they had sorted it out. Or maybe they hadn’t and that’s why there are two cars.

“Here.” I proffer the marshmallows forward and Ben takes them.

“Did you save these?” He grins.

“Yes.”

“Cheers. In fact I have something for you too.” He says, picking something up from the passenger seat where he puts the candy down. He passes a fan of papers back. They were glossy and the paper thick. A rich, white building is the picture on the top. “From Court. I thought you’d like them. They’re leaflets about Courts hotspots, the most historical parts.”

I look up from the paper, which now felt strangely delicate. “These are from Court? The Moroi Court?”

The other car’s engine purrs faintly and it drives forward. The seat beneath me quivers as Ben starts ours.

“Thought it might interest ya.”

I grin and put them in my lap. “They do. Thank you so much.”

There’s a popping noise and Ben tosses a marshmallow into his mouth. “Likewise. Thought these were lost to the sleepover party. So, ready to see more of the world?”

“I think I am.” I murmur and open the first leaflet up.


	26. Up in the Air

DPOV

Rose was acting strange or I was being paranoid. I may have gone too far with my anecdotes. My father, my families distance and my mother’s rage. How obnoxious to showcase my problems when she’d endured so much worse. Woe is me.

I stretch my left leg out and glance over to where she had set up camp. Ben had given her tourist leaflets from Court and she’d been engrossed in them. Reading them over and over and studying the pictures. I recognised them of course, information on the treasury, old throne room, the council chambers, the crypts.

Victor has raised an eyebrow but offered no comment which surprised me. I would have thought he would want to offer some information of his own and enjoy teaching her some of his own well regarded wisdom.

He must be too focused on what was coming.

There was just under three hours left of this plane journey and we’d all been able to snatch some sleep which was an asset because as soon as we landed we’d be travelling again. We were expected at the Lahemaa  school. Victor was officially coming to pay his respects and we would lodge there for a day or two. Somewhere we would slip away to see the crime scene and then we would travel back to Tallinn to meet the informant before flying back. Best case scenario it would only take no more than a week.

We wouldn’t be coming back the same. I knew, with a dark and unsettling certainty, that this was true. We were going to observe and investigate a massacre. Where tortured bodies have been left with no closure, no one to lay them to rest and so their souls were left lost in a rotting place.

So many families still grieving and suffering under the weight of not knowing where their loved ones are but we knew, and we were denying them that closure until we had fulfilled our own needs.

My guilt was heavy enough to take down this plane.

Rose is watching me.

I raise an eyebrow and she turns away, cheeks colouring. She murmurs something to Ben. Both of them have been watching the flat screen TV. Spiridon was still asleep. Victor was reading, book in one hand, a small tumbler of scotch in the other.

I push down at the bitter pocket trying to grow. She hadn’t spoken to me since we’d left the house. She had actually stayed pretty close to Ben.

Was I too brash this morning? I was only being straightforward. I probably had overstepped last night. The girl had enough to contend with without my issues.

I sigh and extend my other leg.

“Perhaps you should try and get more sleep.” Victor murmurs, looking over the top of his book.

“I’m fine.”

His green eyes hold me a moment longer before they drop back to his book.

“I couldn’t help but notice it’s your birthday soon. Will you be wanting to take some of your hours?”

“Couldn’t help but notice or were you purposely made aware?” I fish.

Victor smirks at the page. “I may have had someone direct me to the calendar.”

“If you can spare me then that would be great.”

“He said with barely contained excitement.” Victor mutters in good humour. It was easy to see Natalie in him here and also how he and Spiridon could get along.

Spending a day with Tasha would be a nice break. I would look forward to it when it got closer I’m sure but right now it seemed impossible to think beyond the upcoming tasks and how there could be something happy beyond it. Right now trying to imagine my day off weighed like another task.

A contained wall of ineligible chanting sounds from the TV and I guess Ben’s turned on a soccer game. Gold flecks glint in Rose’s eyes as they follow things on screen and then she turns away from it, bored.

No, I didn’t care for the game either.

She roots around in her carryon and pulls out Viktoria’s book, causing a fluttering of what could only be anticipation in my abdomen. I feel strangely satisfied as she settles down to read, tucking her knees up and pulling her jacket tightly around her.

I wonder if she’s cold. She couldn’t be. It must be a comfort thing.

“Do I need to know what last night’s altercation was about?” Victor asks for only me to hear.

I regard him. He could only mean the one in the hall. He could have overheard that. I answer as truthfully and carefully as possible. “No. It has been dealt with.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

There’s no good humour in his eyes this time, only a look that said he was taking my word as genuine and if it proved to be anything less than the consequences would be sever.

I nod to show I understand.

I would focus on this trip and when we got back to America I would deal with other problems there. I hated to admit it but Spiridon had been right. Ben would have to choose, his job or his relationship and I had no idea what his choice would be but he’d have to choose whilst he still had the freedom to.

Spiridon emerges about an hour later and I change from staring at the wall to staring at a book, parading a reason for him not to interact. I’ve read _Lonesome Dove_ so many times I could easily quote it page by page.

He doesn’t speak to Ben either, opting rather to make small talk with Victor and, to her dismay, Rose.

“You know wizards aren’t real right?”

“Yes.”

“But little boys can be shoved under the stairs. If there were another Guardian in the house that’s probably where you would have to be.”

“Spiridon.” Victor warns.

“Well it’s true.”

Victor sighs and excuses himself to the rest room.

“At least being in the laundry room you would be able to take care of things more efficiently.” He muses. I don’t have any idea what he means and neither does Rose but she’s glaring at him as we all know his thought process is heavily sadistic, “All those stains. Black…blue… _scarlet_..”

I blink. I could not have heard that right but in the second I exchange a glance with Ben, his gaze a conflict of alarm and disbelief, it’s enough to confirm we had unwittingly assumed the same thing. And so had Rose.

I can’t think what to say.

I _can_ think of what to do which is to open the air tight door and shove him out of it, risking everyone’s life in the process but knowing they’d all agree it was worth it. How does he have the gall to say _such things?_

Fortunately Rose has only two reactions. Her face colours and then she drives her fist into Spiridon’s lap.

The wind is knocked out of him and he crumples forward out of his seat.  Rose makes a ‘hurmph’ noise and turns in his seat so she’s facing a stunned Ben.

“Spiridon what on earth are you doing?” Victor asks from down the aisle.


	27. Estonia

**RPOV**

Flying was different this time. The flight was longer and unlike last time, I actually managed to hit Spiridon.

We’d gotten onto the plane with the dying sun lowering in the sky. Once the other car stopped Dimitri slid out the door with an umbrella held and ready for Victor. They were already halfway across the tarmac when Ben parked up. A man in dark suit was getting into their vacated car.

“C’mon kid or they’ll leave without us.” Ben said, throwing open the door. I hastily unbuckled my belt and got out as he was taking bags from the trunk. “Keys in the ignition.” He called out to another guy approaching our car.

I made myself keep up with his quick gait.

“Did Dimitri tip your bed over?” He asked with a smile over his shoulder.

“No.” I said with as much dignity as possible. “I keep my door locked.”

“Just as well. It wouldn’t be the first time he’s done it.”

“Who did he-“

I was cut off as the metal bird came roaring to life and Ben picked up speed. This plane, or jet, was different from the last.  The last was black where this one was white with a picture on the side, a gold badge with three blue beasts inside it. Ben suddenly steps aside and throws up a hand, motioning me up the stairs first. I shouted a thank you but I don’t think he heard over the roar.

The plane had thick carpets I could feel through my shoes and everything was cream and navy. There was a short corridor with a small kitchen area and a closed door to my immediate left that lead to a small room with two bunks. The main part of the plane was simpler than the last, smaller and narrower. It didn’t have a bar or  woman in tight clothes, but one small TV and comfortable seats.

Victor was already sitting at the only table on the left side. The right side had a short plush sofa and then closer to the room where the pilot is, is two twin seats facing the TV. Dimitri emerged from the pilot’s room making the plane look even smaller with his tallness.

“Warm tonight, musta been a scorcher.” Spiridon was saying with a look of longing on his face that oddly I could understand. I missed the sun on my skin, especially just before twilight when the temperature could only be described as lovely, like being under my duvet. He slid Victor’s smaller case onto a shelf overhead and flopped down on the sofa. “Probably the last of the summer.”

“Good. I look forward to taking breakfast out on the deck again. Excuse me.” Victor said, holding a hand over his mouth to yawn.

The roaring of the plane muted as Ben sealed the door behind me and the pressure to take a seat began. I took a step forward and my gaze collided with Dimitri. Last night came flooding back to me in an abrasive wave (a description taken from the man on the Blue Planet), what I’d done and thought just after he’d opened up to me. He’d told me what makes _him vulnerable_ and I had then went and done… that.

I couldn’t hold his gaze any longer and immediately took a seat beside Spiridon. Ben sat down opposite Victor and we all buckled up.

“What you got there?” Spiridon asked, plucking a leaflet from my hand. I didn’t have room to be annoyed or react because the roaring had come inside and I was pressed backwards as the plane sped forward.

I clutch the seat beneath me, taking some comfort in the sight of Victor doing the same and also resting his head back with closed eyes. Spiridon flipped the leaflets between his fingers and I was on the verge of snatching them back but then all the pressure in the plane went to my stomach as the plane left the ground.

I wished the windows were open, I really did. I wanted to see us fly. Spiridon tossed the leaflet back into my lap.

The plane evens out and a voice bids us ‘Good Evening’ and tells us how long the journey is going to be and about weather conditions. Ten hours. Ten hours in this metal room and I had put myself beside Spiridon. Yeah, I wasn’t spending a minute longer like that. But Dimitri was at the other end. Ben and Victor were at least down here.

I had opened the leaflet and re-read.

“Sleep well, Ben?” Spiridon casually asked, making a show of reclining back.

I tensed before glancing up but I had no reason to worry because Ben was the picture of ease. “Great actually.”

I wondered what Dimitri had said to him last night to make him so composed or maybe he was just powering on his own Guardian training to remain calm. Whatever it had been I had hoped it held strong. Ten hours in a metal room with Spiridon miles above the ground could be like hell.

“Well we’ll be flying through most of the night so we should try and stay awake. When we arrive the school will be asleep.” Victor intones. His head was still back and I knew he was trying to keep composed. For someone who flew so much you would think he’d be used to it.

“Hmmm, I think I will put my head down for a few. Didn’t sleep too well.” Spiridon had said.

“Oh?” Victor prompted in the air of being polite.

Spiridon hums again. “Thought I kept hearing voices. Must have been a banshee or something.”

Ben stared at Spiridon’s thoughtful expression blankly giving nothing away to his credit.

“Perhaps you should stop watching television before bed.” Victor replied. “Could someone please make me an espresso?”

Spiridon and Ben stared at each other a beat longer, taking most of my focus whilst a smaller part of me was wondering how to make an espresso and starting to panic.

“Yeah, sure.”  Spiridon said springing up. “Dimitri you want one?”

Dimitri, who was sitting in a lone seat, nodded.  I’d kept my head down and avoided eye contact for a few hours by re-reading leaflets. I knew Dimitri watched me. Not obviously or all the time but I knew he did in his sneaky way.

Maybe he wanted to talk more about his family. Maybe he just wanted to talk. Instead I ignored him because every time I felt his eyes flash in my direction it sent a hot sensation up my arms and neck. I kept picturing the scarlet underwear. Almost felt it on my skin.

I made myself study the leaflets.

Court was the biggest Moroi community in the world. The second was in Old Country (Romania), the old Castle, which was the biggest centuries ago but due to immigration (I asked Ben and he said that was another word for ‘moving’) to America the New Court was the biggest community to date. Court was originally the home of Moroi royalty and elite but since the dethroning of the last king the most important inhabitants are the Prince and Princess’s of the Royal families.

There was a leaflet on the royal treasury and information on tour times, highlighting the main attraction as the King’s crown. A short paragraph said he had been wearing it when he died and how it still bore flecks of blood and soot. Underneath in a fancier style read,

_‘We put faith in a crown and were blind to the fool who wore it.’ – Frederick Dragomir._

At the name I had turned to Ben who had been watching me read and I realised later that he had probably been waiting for me to get this far.

Without opening my mouth he knew and answered my question. “Lissa’s grandfather. He was very involved in the Royal Court and he even ran for King with Victor but pulled out at the last moment.”

He looked like he wanted to say more but instead he took a drink of tea.

“Why have they printed what he said?” I asked.

“Because after the fall he was the one to address us all and proposed the abolishment of the monarchy.” Ben answered in quiet voice that told me we were on a delicate topic.

“The fall?”

Ben’s face, that I’d become accustomed to reading, changed from friendly and kind-hearted as a veil of something I could only imagine to be palpable sadness fell across it. “The fall was – “

“Due to the nature of this trip.” Victor had interrupted and I had jumped when I looked up to find him standing over us. “I think it best we retain our focus on the present and not on past mistakes. Just for now.”  He reached down and touched my shoulder. “The fall is a very black mark in our history and it is a terrible heritage you will own another day.”

And then he went back to his seat leaving a strange presence behind him. Like something had been lost and there was no hope in it returning.

Like when Eddie had died.

“This one.” Ben said, sounding forcedly chipper and plucking up another leaflet. “Makes Natalie’s garden seem teeny in comparison.” 

The next one show cased the landscapes and garden of Court and although they were beautiful pictures I didn’t find myself quite so engrossed with them. The flight wasn’t as nice after that. The space became smaller than before and I had to keep fighting the urge to pace, appeasing myself with trips to the bathroom. In the small mirror I checked that no tell-tale curves were visible on my sweater. That calmed me down a bit…until I got back to my seat and started worrying again.

On my third trip someone else was waiting to use the restroom.

“Is it like a crime scene in there?” Spiridon asked. He was slouched against the wall like a slug.

“What?”

He straightens up which closed the tiny gap between us. “It’s no fun when you don’t get it.”

“Get what?” I snapped, side stepping him. He tugged on a strand of my hair and I cringed, hating myself for it.

“Try not to get blood on the leather.” He said closing the bathroom door behind him.

It took me a few seconds to add it up and when I did I was torn between kicking in the door and smashing his face into the mirror, and disappearing into the bedded room to cry. Instead I just stood there and collected myself before going back to my seat.

And oh God, Dimitri had moved again. I would pass him before I got back to Ben and if I looked at him he would be sure to ask what was wrong because he just noticed everything and wouldn’t let it go. He might not ask me in front of victor but he would follow me and I couldn’t deal with that. So I sailed past him like he was a dull painting. 

I sat next to Ben trying to occupy myself with the TV, the leaflets, imagining what Estonia would be like. Wondering would it be like Tucson or Missoula? I had only seen the cities through a car window mainly but they bore the same kind of qualities. I tried to concentrate on those things and ignore both Spiridon and Dimitri which became easier when Spiridon decided to go for a nap.

I couldn’t help but wish his bed would catch fire.

Dimitri was reading. Or pretending to read but either way it meant he didn’t sneak looks at me as much. Ben switches the channel over and noise erupts through the cabin from a sea of people wearing the same colours, chanting ineligibly.

 Football.  

I should have left myself something to read or at least paced myself. The rustle of Dimitri turning a page sparks a memory and I had reached into my rucksack for the book he gave me.  Again, in an obscure kind of way, it was Dimitri helping me out again. He’d given me the means to help ignore him and everybody else. It didn’t take long for the plane and its worries to disappear as I fell into Harry’s story. But then Spiridon had sat down beside me.  I knew it was an attack, I knew it was coming and I didn’t even let myself hope that he would downplay because the others were there. Nope, the bigger the audience the bigger the humiliation and I was not going to take it. If he was going to embarrass me then I was going to hit him in the only place I knew would hurt.

The effect was quite funny. He collapsed like a stick of uncooked spaghetti.  The shock on Dimitri’s face was great to, which was also mirrored on Ben’s when I curled myself toward him.

“Spiridon, what on earth are you doing?” Victor had asked, igniting a spark of fear in me. I didn’t care about Spiridon’s retaliation but what Victor thought, that I cared about. I knew he wouldn’t strike me and would bet he wouldn’t shout but I didn’t want him to be… upset with me.

Ben started to laugh. “He’s just being a drama queen.”

“Completely.” Dimitri added.

I tucked my jacket tightly around me and resumed reading, a smirk to rival Spiridon’s on my face. The only other exciting things to happen were Ben making everyone grilled cheese sandwiches (one for me and Victor, two for Dimitri, two for Ben, three for Spiridon) and sharing a packet of cookies with me. After that I tried to read more but somewhere around Halloween I ended up falling asleep. I don’t remember much of the dream except for vivid oranges and tables laden with food all alien shapes and sizes.

Then Ben nudged me awake to put on my seatbelt. We were landing in Estonia.

“Ten hours and twenty minutes in an enclosed space, thousands of feet above the ground with Spiridon and only one causality.” Ben remarked.

“That you know of.” I muttered and under Ben’s laugh I heard someone else chuckling. It was very hard not to look at him then. Had he laughed with his eyes? Probably not. He wouldn’t properly laugh in front of so many people.

And then we landed. I stepped out of the plane and into the startling bright morning. Down on the tarmac I could see we were following a familiar practice, two cars waiting.  I took the steps with the intention of catching up with Ben but then my rucksack was tugged in another direction.

“You’re riding with me.” Dimitri said steering me toward the car.

There isn’t any bigger discussion about this from the others or protests from Ben (traitor) so I guess this was decided when I was asleep. 

So now we’re sat beside each other in total silence and it’s very uncomfortable. Well, for me anyway. Luckily I can pretend to be preoccupied with looking out the window and wondering why it’s so bright outside if it’s supposed to be four am….maybe I’d counted wrong. I count it out again but I just come to the same answer. We left at six in the evening and then plus ten for travelling, four o’clock in the morning but it makes no sense. And the question of time wasn’t the only one burning in my throat.

I never could help it. “Where the buildings? Tallinn is a city isn’t it?” 

“Yes and it’s about twenty minutes behind us now.”

“Oh.”

“It’s quite beautiful. Very different to most western cities.”

“How so?” I ask unable to help myself. I tuck my knees up and rest my chin on them.

“It’s a city with a rich history. The ground is mostly cobbled stones and the buildings are unlike American architecture. They are soft colours and shaped different, hard to describe….here.” With one hand on the wheel he takes out his phone and begins typing into it without taking his eyes from the road. Again I find myself tracing his cheekbones down to his jaw line until he passes his phone to me.

The pictures are unlike what I’d imagined. Not like any of the short experiences with cities I’d had so far and oddly they reminded me of a place I’d rather forget.

“What do you think?”

“Pretty.” I pass the phone back.

“The people are very friendly and they have some of the best coffee shops and restaurants I have ever been to.”

“How many times have you been here?”

“A few. I worked for the College on temporary posts.”

“Really? When?”

“Before I came to work for Victor.” He murmurs. I glance up at the mirror and see the car following behind. “I wonder… how things might be if I hadn’t left.”

“Is that where you were when Karolina called you?” I ask quietly.

He pauses and I can’t help but feel paranoid about our conversation last night, if he was going regret telling me so much. “Yes and going back to that I believe I was telling you about your protocol. There will be students on campus and a heavy presence of Guardians. You will have your own room and we’d like you to stay there when you are not with us. We will be leaving school property for a few hours later to do something that’s too dangerous to have you accompany us. You can use your phone to contact us in case of emergency.”

There’s a sinking sensation in my stomach. “I thought Ben was staying with me?”

“It turns out we may need him. The details haven’t been finalized yet.” There’s an edge to his voice and I want to know what’s driving it.

“Are he and Spiridon okay now?” I venture sinking back against watching him closely but he gives nothing away. His face is a blank canvas compared to last night. He was in Guardian mode.

“They’ll do their job. Personal issues aside.”

I consider how antagonising Spiridon is. “Are you sure?”

“Anything less isn’t optional.” He says flatly. “You compartmentalize. This trip is about Victor and what he needs.”

“Right…” They come first. It was more obvious than ever I was just a spare part they couldn’t leave behind. At home they were their own separate unit but I had things to preoccupy myself with there. But in this new environment (a whole different country… that was hard to get my head around) I was daunted by it. Somehow it was like they were abandoning me.

“Do I…do I have to stay in my room?” I ask wiping my itchy palms on my calves.

 “That’s what I’ve been told to advise you but honestly, if you feel comfortable enough to interact with other students then by all means.”

By all means. Do what you want. In this whole knew place where you don’t know anyone and the place is surrounded by Guardians who were not Ben or you but sure, by all means.

“Other students.” I echo and then the words sink in and try to strangle me.

Other people my age. A lot of them… also boys.

“The majority of them will speak fluent English but a few might not.”

The more I thought about trying to talk to other people the harder it was to picture. This isn’t the first time I wished I was more like Lissa or Natalie. They would know what to do.

“Also, there is always the library.” He adds.

“A library?” My worries halt.

“Home to over twenty thousand books and passages.” He says with smugness.

 Maybe being on my own wouldn’t be so bad.

We drive for a few more minutes in silence and I realize happily that I no longer feel awkward around him. But I do feel guilty about how I’ve treated him. I glance up at the mirror again. “Where are you all going?”

“That’s not important.”

“So tell me.”

He makes a small noise in the back of throat. “If I don’t would I be subjected to your violent side?”

I grin. “Would that work?”

“Not at all. It would make driving complicated for a few seconds though.”

“Seconds?”

“That’s what it would take to restrain you.”

I wrinkle my nose. “I think it would take at least a minute.”

“I’m either restraining you in seconds or we’re crashing. What would you rather?”

“Crash.”

He chuckles. “You’re pride will get you into trouble Rose. Speaking of which you need to work on your temper, you can’t lash out like that again.”

My guard immediately goes up. “He –“

“I know what he said. It was out of line but the good thing about having Spiridon around is he is the ultimate test of self-control. He knows that and he uses it. He finds people’s buttons and he pushes. It gets him what he wants.”

I open my mouth and shut it again. How did he expect me to sit back and take what he had said? He had tried to humiliate me in front of them about … about something I didn’t even understand about my own body yet. I pull my knees in tighter and try to put a lid on the rage simmering within.

“Is that why Victor has him? That’s his special skill?”

“Believe it or not.” Dimitri says, veering the car around a long bend. The land opens up to the left and meets the blue horizon in the distance. How was it thise bright eor eivei n the morning. I knew five in the morning in America. It was the time Victor’s household started to go to bed. In the Ozera manor it was the start of the work day. “Spiridon is exceedingly charming when he wants to be. A social chameleon.”

“What the hell is a chameleon?”

“Temper.” He cautions in a murmur and I huff. “It’s a reptile, animal, than can change its skin to match its surroundings. What I mean is Spiridon knows how to work with any social situation and that’s one advantage Victor likes to have.” I’m about to start arguing again that he was just a jackass but something makes me shut my mouth. I chew over my insults and swallow them.  “Unfortunately we don’t get to experience his charming side too often.”

I snort. “Or at all.”

Dimitri hums. “Spiridon always has a reason behind his chosen behaviour. Remember that.”

I found it hard to believe that Spiridon’s reasons went beyond just wanting to piss everyone off or make them feel awful about themselves. There’s a word for people like that….what was it…

“What are you thinking about?”

“Lissa showed me Lahemaa on the map. She said the school was in a forest like her and Natalie’s. Hidden like Victor’s house.”

“It is but that was human map. The park is a third bigger than that map shows, that’s where the school is.”

“How far away are we?”

“About ten minutes from the boundary.”

Sadistic! The word is sadistic. Spiridon is a sadistic – no  sadist! He is a sadist. “How do humans not come across it?”

“Same as how they don’t stumble upon Victor’s or the Dragomir household or St. Vladimir’s. You remember?”

“The wards make them change direction?”

“Precisely.”

I look out the window. “But wouldn’t they be able to see it in the distance? It’s not like there are a lot of trees.”

“Give it five minutes.”

Sure enough within minutes Dimitri is veering the car into a narrow lane. The land we’d been driving through hadn’t had as many trees as I would have thought but now that was changing. Inside the car is getting dimer with the prominent source of light being the dashboard as we drive into the thickening woods. With the encroaching darkness a sense of unease comes with it. It wasn’t because it was dark but… I’d heard enough about what had happened at this school to be afraid. I knew enough to piece together a picture in my head. A terrifying picture with bone white angels with blood red eyes waiting for people to come deeper into the woods. But that’s not what happened here… nobody ventured into the woods. The Strigoi has come out of the woods and into the school.

“Are you enjoying the book?” Dimitri asks, pulling me away from the anxiety beginning to swirl inside

“Yeah, yeah I am. Thank you for giving it to me.”

“You’re welcome. What part have you reached?”

“Halloween.”

“That’s a good part. Are you finding it hard to imagine it?”

“Some things… the giant dog and flying on a brush. They have Halloween on some shows I’ve seen so that makes it a bit easier to understand. At Natalie’s party will I get to wear a costume?”

“I’m sure you will.”

“What could I be?”

“Anything you want to be. Natalie will be able to help you choose something.”

“Could I be an anti-social person in black?”

“Anything else. That’s taken.”

“Anything…” I’m about to taper into deeper thought when the car defeats the slope and the road opens up again, and up ahead is a massive gate. A gate flanked by stone walls just as high and as we got closer I could see little black figures stationed across it. Guardians.

Dimitri slows the car to a crawl as we approach and then stops all together. The unease creeps back over my skin and I look back at the car stopping behind us.

“Keep your hands on your lap.” Dimitri orders.

“What –“ I make a noise somewhere between a choke and gasp as there’s a hard tapping on Dimitri’s window.

“Relax.” He holds up a calming hand as he does the stupidest thing ever and winds down the glass. I almost take his hand to yank him back as I imagine a bleached white claw reaching through for his throat. Instead a white light shines in.

“State your name and your business.” A gruff voice demands.

My eyes adjust and behind the interrogating light is a hard faced Guardian who looks almost as scary as a strigoi. My hands are trembling in my lap and I press them against my thighs. Dimitri’s tells him (in his controlled and completely calm voice) his name, his Guardian position and that he is escorting the Moroi Prince, Lord Victor Dashkov.

Dimitri turns to me.  “Rose, pass me the dossier in the glove box.”  The shift of attention is even more startling when the light shines in my face. “Rose, the glove box.”

“Right, sorry.”

I reach forward and open the compartment and pull out the only thing in there, a smooth file case, and offer it to him. Dimitri takes it briskly and flips it open. The spotlight moves to illuminate the content.

A movement out of the corner of my eye almost makes me scream. There was another Guardian standing outside my window.

“Here you are.” Dimitri says. He holds up two plastic cards that the Guardian takes to investigate himself.

“What are those?” I whisper, taking hold of the door handle as though it will stop the Guardian ripping it open should he decide to.

“Our I.D’s.” Dimitri answers.

Victor told me it would take a while for me to get one of those. It was a piece I needed to become part of the world on my own. My heart sinks as the prospect of that becoming real so soon. I look out the back window. There were other Guardians surrounding Ben’s car too.

Wordlessly the Guardian hands back the two cards after a further few minute’s inspection.

“Cleared!” He calls and a voice from the car behind echoes the same thing back. The Guardian turns back to Dimitri. “We will radio ahead and let the Headmaster know you have arrived. You have come at a very hard time but I hope your stay is pleasant.”

“Thank you and we are deeply sorry for your losses here.” Dimitri returns.

The Guardian nods and steps back from the car. He signals toward the wall. There’s a deep grinding noise and the Gate splits down the middle, turning inward to give us admission.

I tuck my hair behind my ear and peek out my window. The Guardian has melted back into the shadows. The car rolls forward and through the gate.

“Here.” Dimitri says, passing me one of the two cards. “You may as well learn who you are.”

I take it from him and my stomach lurches. “That’s…me.” I feel him look at me but I’m too shocked to look away from the plastic card. Beneath its shiny surface is my face… sort of. This girls is thinner and sallow, there’s no colour on her cheeks  and she looks frightened. Her - my eyes are too wide in such a small face. Over my shoulder my hair hangs down in a thick rope. “When was this me?”

“When Keith examined you. He took a photo on his phone.” There had been so much happening that day that I must not have paid much attention when he took it. I had been too busy trying to remain upright and awake without crying or screaming or passing out. “It’s been airbrushed a little.”

“Airbrushed?”

“Um, touched up, edited. We removed the purple under your eyes and the signs of scratches on your face so not to raise suspicion.”

To not raise suspicions they’d altered how I looked but I still looked awful. “Do I … is this how I look?”

“Not so much anymore. But that’s not what is important.  Because of the attack security has been tightened and it presented an obstacle last minute which required we needed photographic ID to be able to enter the grounds. During this trip you’ll be known as Rose White, Ben’s sister.”

“Ben’s sister.”

“Yes, should anyone ask but it’s unlikely. It just provides an alibi for why you’re accompanying us. You were to be my sister because our features are somewhat similar but the accent provided a problem. ”

“Okay.”

“And keep that on you at all times.”

More questions are ready to fall off my tongue but the copse of trees on the right disappear and standing mighty and proud up ahead is the largest building I’ve ever seen. It reminded me of the Ozera’s house but bigger in every aspect and older. The drive was winding toward it and I knew it was only going to get larger the closer we got. The sky is a gorgeous blue behind it. A lovely backdrop that somehow serves to make me feel sad about the building…maybe because despite how beautiful it all looked, I knew something awful had happened here.  The something that contributed to the dead look in the Guardian’s eyes and produced the sympathy in Dimitri’s voice when he last spoke to him.

“They have beautiful grounds here, naturally. A private lake and gardens but there are limits to where you can go at the moment and I would feel better if you didn’t venture too far anyway.”

“I won’t.”  And I wouldn’t. I didn’t want to be alone out here. I didn’t really want to be left without him or someone familiar if it could be helped.

The car weaves toward the school and every second we get closer it gets larger.

There’s an insistent beeping from the dashboard and Dimitri taps it with his finger.

“Sir?”

“Have you briefed young Rose?” Victor’s voice asks.

“Yes.”

“Excellent. Headmaster Levandi will greet us at the front and escort us to our quarters.”

“Understood.”

There’s a click and I know Victor’s connection has ended.

“Everyone will be in bed right?” I ask, suddenly panicked by the idea of lots of young people staring at me and not knowing what to do or say.

“The students will be. The Headmaster will likely want to speak to Victor alone. I’ll see you to your room and find you some food. Are you tired?”

“Not really.”

“Try to sleep.”

“How long were we on the plane?”

“Just over ten and half hours.”

How bright it is still doesn’t make any sense.

We take the last remaining curve on the drive and the building eclipses the sun. We turn right and approach what seems to be the front of the building with its wide steps and fountain in the centre of the courtyard. Also there are people waiting on the top steps.

I take a deep breath as the car stops.

“I know this is a lot so soon for you when you just began to settle but it’s only for a few days.” He says as we unbuckle. His eyes are on the people outside of my window but his fingertips are on my arm. “We are your constants. You feel overwhelmed you come to me or you come to Ben.” He looks at me. “Understood?”

“Yes.”

 “Then let’s go.” He hops out of the car and shuts his door.

 _Calm. Stay calm._ I take the handle. I can hear Victors voice outside. Other voices. _Dimitri is here. Ben is here. There’s no reason to be afraid._ Except that this place was attacked by strigoi weeks ago. _But Dimitri is here._

I pull the latch and slide out into the warm Estonian air. Dimitri is the closest to me, standing by Victor’s right side and completely in Guardian mode. Statue still, up straight and no facial trace of emotion and on Victors other side Spiridon is his double. Ben is holding the bags a respectful distance back and calculating the area.

I shoulder my own bag and its then I notice how many figures in black are around.  One of which is standing behind a well suited man who is grasping Victors hand.

“…so grateful you’ve taken this time visit.” He says. His accent is somewhere close to Dimitri’s.  Victor said someone called Levandi wouldn’t be meeting us so I assume the man is him. The schools  Headmaster. “It will be so reassuring to the students and their parents to have you here Lord Dashkov.”

“I’m only sorry I haven’t been able to come sooner. I hope you don’t see that as neglect or lack of empathy on my part but the tragedy was felt at court my friend and there was much to attend to.”

“I heard bits and pieces. We received your flowers of course, a beautiful tribute at the memorial but come; you have travelled far and must be tired. We can discuss much heavier topics later.”

“Thank you. Thank you.” Victor says, shaking Mr Levandi’s hand and touching his shoulder. They begin walking up the steps with Spiridon and Dimitri flanking them, and the other Guardian sticking close.

Ben slings one of the bags over his shoulder and gets a better handle on the other three. I walk toward him and offer to help.

“I got it kiddo.” He smirks down at me as we climb the steps. “Or should I say sis?”

“Sis? Oh, oh right. Ha ha.” We’re far enough behind the others that he can let the Guardian exterior slip to joke and I can ask questions.

“Ben how do I… how do I talk to other people? I am allowed to right? Like people like me, my age.”

“Of course you are.” He says evenly, not breaking a sweat under the weight of all the luggage and I knew for a fact Spiridon packed extra steel toe capped boots. “And just like how you’d talk to me or Lissa or Natalie. With some discretion obviously but yano, talk about things that interest you. Talk about the TV shows you’ve watched or tell a girl you like her headband or something. I heard Natalie say once that giving a girl a compliment is girl code for universal friendship or something.”

“But if I make a friend I’ll never see them again.”

“You don’t know that and no harm ever came from making a friend.”

We reach the top of the stone steps and walk through the grand archway into a beautiful hall. Rich dark woods, sparkling chandeliers and lilies. We follow the group in front through hallways and up more stairs. The place is decorated rich enough to reflect how mighty it looks from the outside but cosily enough to make the many people who live here feel comfortable. It’s bizarre then, to think something awful had happened inside such a nice place. I keep looking around for signs of what had happened but the place is mostly quiet. I have a terrible idea about being led around a corner and seeing huge blood stains on the floors or seeing the remains of smashed furniture. Stupid thoughts.

We hardly come across anybody bar patrolling Guardians and there are lilies almost everywhere.

Victor and Mr Lehandi talk as they lead the party but not loud enough for me to be able to hear. We briefly go back outside, under the cover of a stone walkway that surrounds an enclosed courtyard, and I’m reminded of  how much I love and miss the sunshine. It’s barely warm but it’s bright and I know it’s making the two Moroi uncomfortable as they keep close to the inside wall.  I want to go lie down on the grass.

A Guardian stationed at the end of hall opens the door for us, nodding in respect to the others and as I get closer I realize that it isn’t a man, it’s a woman. I’m so surprised I actually pause before the door unable to help it. I’d mistaken her for a man because her short hair is slicked back and shaved at the side but her face is undeniable feminine. She is very pretty and she also looks confused.

“Miss?” She asks.

The others are rounding a corner way ahead in the next hall and Ben has stopped to look back for me.

“Sorry. Thank you.” I babble and rush toward Ben.

“What was that about?” He asks breaking into a quick stride once I reach him. I could hear Victor’s low voice on the stairs ahead.

“I’ve never seen a woman Guardian before.” We take the first flight of stairs two at a time. Even though he’s laden with luggage Ben makes it seem effortless. My lungs start to protest as we hit the second set. “I didn’t know there were any but thinking about it…I guess it makes sense.” We catch up with the others as they’ve only just reached the landing and I can hear Levandi explaining these were the guest quarters.

“There aren’t too many.” Ben utters. “A lot of Dhampir women complete their training and choose not to take Guardianship jobs. Especially in recent years.”

“Do a lot of them become Bloodwhores?”

“Jesus Rose.” Ben says almost too loudly. He glances anxiously at the others but they‘ve paused outside a door Levandi’s Guardian is opening. The Headmaster himself is talking avidly to the group and holding their attention, particularly Victors.

“This is your suite Lord Dashkov.” Levandi announces leading the way inside.

Ben turns to me. “Don’t be throwing that term around. It’s not always received well.”

“I didn’t mean –“

“I know.” He shifts the bag on his shoulder and starts walking again but slower. “They take up ordinary jobs and start families. Some do work and live in a community that …uh… operate like that but not all.”

“Dimitri’s family live in one don’t they?”

Now he looks really alarmed and I wish I could keep my stupid mouth shut. “Who told you that?”

There was no point lying. “He did.”

“Oh…well, let not make it a topic of conversation okay? Or Blood Whoring in general.”

“But-“

“Why are you two loitering in the hallway?” Victor’s voice asks. The look on his face stills my heart and although his he doesn’t portray it I know Ben’s has too. Victor motions to the room behind him. “You are being rude.”

“It’s my fault.” I say quickly, beating Ben to it. “I dropped my bag.”

Victor doesn’t look satisfied and a horrible guilty sensation sinks in my stomach. “Your room is the one across. Ben, show her in and then join us. Rose, get comfortable and someone will be over soon.”

He goes back inside and the door closes with a quiet click.

“I’m sorry.” I say to Ben and horribly he looks like the air has gone out of him.

“It’s not you.” He mutters and crosses to the door opposite. I follow him inside and into a room bigger than Natalie’s and mine combined.

Ben drops a couple of bags by an elegant looking couch that’s the dominant feature of a small living room, complete with its own grand fireplace. “I’ll come back for these.” He gets a better grip on the other two bags he’s holding and I guess they’re Victor’s by the more expensive look. “Unpack your things, I’m guessing the bedrooms through there and I’ll see you in a bit.”

I’d been too busy inspecting the small kitchen to notice the other doors on either side of the fireplace.

“Who else is staying in here?” I ask as he strides to the door.

Ben looks over his shoulder. “Just you.” And he leaves.

Just me? In this place that could easily fit all five of us. I could only imagine how big Victors room is and I’m more than glad to not be sharing anything with Spiridon.

I throw open the door to the bedroom and take in the biggest bed I have ever seen. Yes, I was more than glad Spiridon, Ben, Dimitri and I would not be sleeping in it together, even if there would be more than enough room.

I grin and take a running leap at it.

/

Ben does come back a short time later for the others bags and to tell me someone would be bringing me some supper and that I should then get some sleep. I venture to ask where exactly he and the other boys would be sleeping and he explains there’s a joining room to Victors for them. These rooms were designed for special Moroi guests and so they have accommodation built in for their Guardians to always be close by.

“Turns out there’s something made up for you in the fridge. We’ve basically lost a day because of the time difference so eat up and try to get some sleep. We’ll wake you in a few hours when School starts.”

“Time difference?”

“We’ve lost nineteen hours.”

I’m dumbstruck. “What? How?”

Ben stops in the doorway. “We were on the plane ten hours and Estonia is nine hours ahead of us.”

I just stare. “How?”

Ben shrugs. “Just how it is.”

“But –“

“Rose, I honestly don’t know how to explain which shows even I don’t understand it enough so ask Dimitri or google it or something.” And he leaves again.

 Wow, I think I’d just experienced Ben’s cranky side.

 I do Google it and it clears up a lot of the confusion I’d spent the majority of the drive in although it still seems completely bizarre. Then again being thousands of miles away from where Lissa and Natalie were (and nine hours ahead) was bizarre too.

After eating I crawl into the large bed bemused by the idea that when we travelled back to America we would be going nine hours backwards…back in time.

The world is weird.

/

“Rose.”

“Urngh.”

“Rose, wake up.”

I roll over and across the vast bed linen Dimitri is standing by with his arms crossed. I blink and then I jerk upright. “Whatareyoudoing?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Waking you, obviously.”

“I can bang some pans together if it will help?” Someone, who sounds horribly like Spiridon, yells from the next room.

Dimitri ignores him. “It’s lunch period, time to get up.”

“You could have knocked.” I snap. How long had he been standing there? And I had been completely out of it. What had I been dreaming about? God, it couldn’t have been him could it? No I’d probably remember.

“How do you know I didn’t?” He says completely monotone. “You need your body clock to adjust so get up.”

I keep the covers tightly under my chin. I had gone all day without the bandages and changed into my PJ’S without thinking to put them on. Stupid, stupid mistake. “I will when you get out or are you going to watch me dress?”

“Of course not.” He replies exasperated and walks toward the door to the next room.

“My.” Spiridon says, appearing on the threshold with a slice of half eaten toast in his hand. “We are mighty sparkly in the morning. Sorry, afternoon.”

Dimitri pushes past him and closes the door before I can do what I’d only seen Natalie do once and what I’d seen many Guardians do back at the Ozera’s, and hold up my middle finger.

That wouldn’t go down to well, plus I knew better. I am going to have to remember to lock my door. Grumbling o myself I get out of bed and grab some clothes as well as the bandages from their hiding place and go to the bathroom. I take my time putting the bandages on. I would rather get it right and endure Dimitri’s nagging than the alternative. More content and comfortable (despite the tightness) I walk into the living area.

“Hello sunshine.” Spiridon grins from the couch.

“What time is?” I ask Dimitri and join him in the kitchen.

“How rude.” Spiridon says.

“Half eleven.” He says, pouring out some coffee.

“Where’s Victor?”

“Greeting the students and staff. They’ve cancelled next period to hold a special assembly for him to address the attack.”

“Cheery business.” Spiridon remarks.

“Why aren’t you with him?”

“Ben is. We’ve been given an hour to break to wake you and eat. Speaking of which your fridge has been restocked so make something up quickly.”

“Extra sugar for me Belikov.” Spiridon says.

Dimitri sighs quietly and puts down the mugs he was about to walk with and dumps another sugar cube into the white coffee.

“After the assembly the Headmaster is going to give Victor a tour of the grounds and show him the memorial for those who were lost. It was thought to be a good way for you to look around and get a sense of things.”

He takes Spiridon his coffee and I set about making something to eat. Yoghurt and granola was fast and filling. Instead of joining them I eat by the counter, trying to ready myself for what was coming.

I was in a school. I was in a school full of people my age and I hadn’t allowed myself to really think about it but those people would be hurting so it wasn’t like I was meeting them under normal circumstances. If I was meeting anyone. I didn’t have to speak to anyone and maybe they wouldn’t speak to me. If I was accompanying Victor and the Headmaster then people would surely only want to speak to them. No one would really approach Dimitri, Ben or Spiridon because they were Guardians and would be in Guardian mode. I’d take their approach. Only speak when spoken to. That seemed the safest idea.

“Why are you standing over there? Scared I’m going to get you back for yesterday?” Spiridon says, ignoring whatever Dimitri was in the middle of saying.

I don’t even care. I hold my breath and hold up my middle finger.

Spiridon’s cocky expression doesn’t change and then he throws back his head and laughs. Dimitri rolls his eyes.

I turn away to make myself a cup of tea and I can’t help but smirk.

/

It’s funny how things look different in under different light. I knew we were walking the same corridors and halls but there was a change I couldn’t place. I could smell the lilies better now or maybe I just didn’t notice earlier.

I expected the first place to run into a lot of people to be the courtyard but it’s deserted. I don’t want to ask the other two because I don’t want them to know how nervous I am. Spiridon would only make it worse and Dimitri would be too understanding but then common sense strikes me. They were all already at the assembly Victor was talking at.

“I heard three more left this morning.” Spiridon says lowly to Dimitri. They were walking some paces ahead of me as my nosiness is keeping me back to inspect everything.

“It’s a mistake. I’ve never seen such heavy security anywhere but court.” Dimitri replies. I speed up so I’m almost between their elbows. “Can only hope once word spreads of our visit a little faith is restored.”

“You know Guardian presence won’t stay at this level. It leaves other places at a disadvantage.”

“Some of the ones here belong to boarding families. They want to keep them here.”

“As long as the wards are kept up to date and monitored then extra Guardians are just surplus. I mean, there are too many to be useful. I talked to a guy to guy whose shift is only four hours long. What a way to make a living.”

“Hopefully Levandi takes Ben’s points on board.”

“Well he’d be an idiot not too.” Spiridon finishes and pulls open a heavy door. I nearly collide with him. “After you, Rocky.”

I roll my eyes and step past him into the corridor. I halt and Dimitri bumps my shoulder.

 “Are you okay?” He asks.

I regain my composure. “Yeah, sorry.” I start walking again. I start walking down a hallway where groups of people my age are standing. Boys and girls. Moroi and Dhampir boys and girls. There was wall of voices and the majority were coming from a room up ahead that had rows of students sitting in it and where the groups were all moving toward. Two Moroi women are waving them forward and it’s obvious we’ve reached the assembly Victor is speaking at.

There’s a mix of languages, English and Estonian.

I feel like I’m inside a TV show. Like things are happening around me but not to me. I was really at a school. I was really walking between people who think all this is normal and familiar and not bizarre and wonderful in a scary way.

“Victors bringing you on stage by the way.” Spiridon says into my ear and my head snaps toward him, the horror reeling up from my stomach and bleaching my face.

Dimitri pushes his shoulder. “Go and help Ben.” Spiridon smirks and strolls away. “He’s teasing.” I try to keep the sick feeling at bay and try to conjure up anger at the blonde jackass. “Take a seat at the end there. I’ll be standing behind you at the door.”

I nod and follow his instruction. I slide into the remaining seat on the back row beside a red haired Dhampir girl. My plan had been to ignore everyone unless they spoke to me, when I couldn’t ignore them anymore, but I accidently make eye contact with her and she smiles shyly. I force my lips to do the same and she turns back to the person on her other side.

_Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale._

I take it all in. Their dark red uniforms with the same golden crest on each jacket, a shield with three lions, the same symbol that had been on the side of the plane. I’d been worried being among so many people they would notice an outsider but really no one noticed me at all. A bigger crowd gave a better invisibility factor. No one would notice if I were or weren’t here. I look over my shoulder and Dimitri is exactly where he said it would be, standing stationary by the door.

Well, maybe one person would notice.

There’s a hush and I turn back to see Headmaster Levandi taking his place behind a high, slim wooden table. Victor is standing just a few feet behind him, his hands clasped and looking completely at ease. Just behind him is Ben taking the same stance as Dimitri and every other Guardian dotted along the walls. I spy spikey blonde hair in the shadow of one of the pillars nearest the stage steps. I hear the doors shut behind me and Headmaster Levandi clears his throat.

The seats are barely half full.

“I apologize for interrupting you curriculum this evening.” Headmaster Levandi begins, his heavy voice carrying through the hall. “I know we have all been trying to find some sense of normality after the heart-breaking and tragic incident we, our school, suffered nearly one month ago. And whilst we try to move on we will never be able to truly forget and nor should we.” He pauses and I have to focus on breathing around the sudden melancholy pressing down in the room. Focus beyond the anxiety clenching around my heart. I remind myself of Dimitri’s words. I watch Victor, his familiar face keeping me grounded. So I don’t get swept away in the panic about all that is unfamiliar here.  
Headmaster Levandi starts again, his voice burdened. “Remembrance and sorrow are not only something we all share, although we do feel it more deeply, but it is to be known that we are not alone in it. What happened here is felt throughout our community. Just looking around this hall there are so many Guardians that have come to our aid. Have come to help us improve our security, reassure us with their presence and restore confidence in not only our school but for some of us our home. With pride I introduce to you the person responsible for catalysting that aid and offering to assist us in whatever way was needed, starting with contacting the Guardian Director in Tallinn and who has had his personal expert in ward security look over our precautions. Prince Victor Dashkov.”

 A group of girls sitting a few rows ahead had started crying. Three of them huddle together. A boy across from me on the aisle has his fists clenched on his knees and is staring hard ahead, not seeing anything.

Clapping fills the air as Victor takes Levandi’s place.  He holds up a hand. “There is really no need for that. I must thank your Headmaster for those kind words and I must assist upon something he mentioned. Community. Our society. They sound like vague terms to encompass a vast amount of people but to us, our people, it stands for so much more especially in this turbulent time. I cannot promise there are no more dark times ahead but I can promise that no one will face them alone should they transpire. We are all one heart. We are all family and like all families we don’t always see each other every day, we don’t speak everyday but what we do is support one and other when support is needed. No one in this hall is alone. No one at Court, or a small community is alone. We are family. I am your family. Headmaster Lavendi is your family and together we will help heal one and other. We will remember those who we have lost and we will honour them.” Victor’s words echo throughout the hall and he lets them stand alone for a few seconds before continuing.  “Times like these can make us feel that we are at our weakest but it is at our weakest points that we are forged. In the fire we harden and stronger we rise.  So what you feel now, that pain, that is a terrible blessing because we do feel loss unlike our enemy and because we feel we resolve to resist feeling it again. Our pain will become our strength. I stand here and I am immensely proud of all of you because you are forging and you are carrying on. The enemy cannot take that away. So, whilst your headmaster told you this assembly has been called to honour me that is not the case. I am here to honour you and honour those who fell.   
You all have and will always have my deepest respect.”

Applause follows but not like before when they welcomes him on stage but this time it is slower…sadder. The girl beside me sobs and reaches up to wipe her cheek.

 I swallow against the lump in my throat not really understanding entirely why it’s there. I didn’t know anybody who died here but I knew it was awful and bizarrely I felt like I understood what Victor was trying to say. Not in the way I could put into words but in the way my chest cinched. I felt it.

Headmaster Levandi retakes his place and begins to speak but I don’t hear it. I’m not sure I want to hear anything else that scrambles my emotions. Instead I count all the Guardians in the hall and including the three I knew. There are thirty all together and we’d passed some on the way that weren’t heading in the same direction. I understand Dimitri’s and Spiridon’s conversation a little more now, this school really did have a heavy Guardian presence and from Levandi’s speech it was due to Victor.

Yet I had lived in a world where Guardians beat and killed Dhampir’s who stepped out of line. Who stood up to them and now I was in a room with so many. Weeks ago it would have crippled me with fear but now… now I feel safe. And somehow angry…where were these Guardian’s for me growing up? Where was Victor or Levandi or Dimitri. Logically I knew they didn’t know but… they were all saying or had said the same sort of thing. That we needed to protect one and other.

So why the hell were the Ozera’s allowed to treat us like they had? Like they still were. Why was my mother back in Arizona in that place and why had no one protected her? Why had no one protected Eddie?

Why hadn’t I protected Eddie?

There’s a ripple of movement through the rows and I look to the front to see Levandi and Victor leaving the stage. The girl beside me has been brought to proper tears and her neighbour has put an arm around her.

I can’t help it. I touch her arm. “I’m sorry.”

She looks back at me and I could swear her hazel eyes bear cracks but she only nods. I get up and move into the stream of people moving toward the doors. In the back of my mind a voice is expressing surprise to be in a throng of people my age but I don’t care right now. I keep my eyes on Dimitri and make my way to him. He doesn’t say anything but as we walk out into the corridor, surrounded by sniffing and hushed consoling voices, he put his hand lightly between my shoulders and again I have the feeling of understanding Victors words. I don’t feel alone.

But I still feel angry.

//

 “I don’t know about you guys but I am seriously bummed out.” Spiridon says under his breath, just loud enough for me and Ben to hear.

The part of the speech I’d ignored was Levandi telling the students the rest of their classes for the day had been cancelled and reading a passage by St. Vladimir.

 We are standing in another hall, one with a black and white tiled floor, and waiting for Dimitri, Victor and Headmaster Levandi so we could go on a tour of the school and pay our respects at the memorial.

“I don’t mean this how it sounds but I can’t wait until we leave.” Ben replies. They were standing by the wall like Guardians do. That seemed to be an unwritten rule that when they were stationary they had to press up against a wall or pillar as to not be out in the open. I suppose it was a way to keep their backs protected.

“I might have to take some anti-depressants before we set off to the site.” Spiridon mutters and the smallest of shudders runs through Ben. He disguises it as rolling his shoulders.

Ben sighs. “What’s keeping them?”

I wander away from the wall and toward the large clock standing at the back of the hall. Students pass me and some I stare at unable to help drinking them in. Like the Dhampir girl with purple through her blonde hair or the Moroi girl wearing a sweater that’s cropped above her pale stomach, or the group of boys who walk together but not saying a word to one other. Their expressions and posture equal to the girl in the hall who had been crying.

I just want to know what time it is.

I stare up at the clock and go about trying to puzzle out the time. I still didn’t like numbers. The big hand is just past the hallway point, thirty-five that can also read as…twenty five to. The smaller hand is at one. So it’s twenty five to one. I grin in triumph at having nailed it. I’m about turn away when something niggles at my mind. I look back up at the clock face.

When Dimitri and Spiridon woke me up in was after eleven and when we left it was after twelve. The assembly was around thirty minutes long, maybe longer…and we had been waiting in this hall for over fifteen minutes. This did not add up.

I admit defeat and take out my phone.

02:47

I look back up at the clock face. What a shame.

“It’s not broken.” A boy’s voice says.

I look around and then I have to look up. He was tall for a Moroi but not as tall as Dimitri. He grins down at me and then back up at the clock which gives me more time to try to adjust to the fact someone, a moroi, a boy, is talking to me which means I have to talk back. It also gives me time to process that something other than surprise was throwing me off.  

I watch the smirk fade from his lips. “It’s a custom to stop the clocks when there’s been a death. It’s paying respect to the time a soul left the world. A big clock for a big tragedy.”

He looks back down at me and I’m nervous but not afraid. He is… something interesting about him. Like paintings. “Will they let time move again?”

He looks thoughtful and I find I’m not just looking at him but studying him. “I don’t know. Time always moves whether we’re ready for it or not. Maybe they’ll turn it back on when they’re ready to move on.”

“Oh.” His cologne was tickling my nose or was it cologne? Warm, sweet and spicy, something like cinnamon but not.

“I’m sorry.” He says, turning to me. A grin plays on his lips like he’s been told a joke “I didn’t catch your name.”

“You didn’t ask.”

The amusement lights up his green eyes. I hadn’t seen happiness in anyone face for what felt like days. “I’m asking now or is it a secret?”

I grin. I could make it one if I wanted to. I had that power now. “Rose. My name is Rose.”

“A rose by any other name would smell as sweet" 

“Am I supposed to know what that means?”

He laughs. “Only if you wanted to be flattered.”

“Well I don’t really care about being flattered.”

He leans down as to tell me a secret. “That’s not what girls usually tell me.”

This boy is strange but I was talking to him, to someone new and it isn’t terrible. It’s actually fun. “What’s your name?”

He watches me for a few seconds and I brace myself for something cheeky to evade the question, some kind of power play, but then he holds out his hand. I give it a distrustful once over before I take it.

“Lord Adrain Ivashkov.” He murmurs and presses his lips against my knuckles. The light glints off his bronze hair. “At your service.”

I’m so stunned the clock could fall over and I don’t think I’d hear it.  He straightens up but doesn’t release my hand. I think about snatching it back when shadows fall over us.

Dimitri is standing over me.

“Adrain! What on earth are you doing here?” Victor exclaims.

Adrian lets go of my hand to clasp Victors. I look to Dimitri for some kind of explanation but he’s completely remote, removed, gone, and it makes me think the clock could fall over and he wouldn’t notice either.


	28. A little bit of truth

"Mr Dashkov." Adrian greets. His tone has sharpened up to a respectful degree. "Good to see you again."

Over his and Adrian's clasped hands Victor rests his other on top. At first I take it as an affectionate gesture but then, staring at the grip Victor has it dawns on me it's also a way to ensure Adrian can't get away.

"You too, you too. But I'm confused I thought you were to start College with Andre this fall?"

"Uh, yes I am. We were visiting old friends and on the way back we thought we'd stop to pay our respects." Adrian's gaze switches to the Headmaster who had arrived with Victor and was politely waiting behind him.

"We?" Victor prompts with a smile. My eyes drop to their joined hands and I expect to see Victor's knuckles bleached. The thought surprises me.

"My father and myself." Adrian explains. The pleasant look on his face has become stagnant.

"Wonderful." Victor grins, their joined hands giving a final shudder before breaking a part. Victor turns aide and opens an arm to the headmaster. "My apologies, Headmaster Levandi this is Adrain Ivashkov."

They shake hands and Adrian offers his condolences. I look at Dimitri but he's staring past everyone and assessing the hall but beside him Spiridon's lips are in a firm line and his eyes are alight.

"I hope our arrival isn't intrusive." Adrian says. "It just seemed wrong to be passing this way and not stop."

"We appreciate your thinking of us." The Headmaster returns. "I'll have two other suites prepared." His Guardian shadow steps up to his shoulder and he gives him the instructions in a quick undertone that I'm sure aren't in English.

"Where is Nathan?" Victor asks.

"He has one last visit to make so he sent me ahead. He should be here in a few hours." Adrian says and then turns to me. "And I'm glad he did because unexpectedly I've made a friend. This is Rose, Rose this is -."

"Oh Adrian." Victor laughs. "We're acquainted. Rose is my Guardian Ben's sister, and now that I say it aloud I realise I haven't introduced everyone properly. Funny how etiquette goes out the window amidst the excitement."

"Well that explains Natalie." Adrian grins, the playful look coming back into his face. "She's always excited."

"You know Natalie?" I find myself asking as Victor explains who she is to the headmaster.

"I've had the pleasure."

"And Lissa." Victor adds. "Adrian and Andre will be attending College together. Business is your major correct?"

"Andre's is. Mine is still to be decided."

"That's leaving it a bit late isn't it?"

"I'm hoping the pressure will help me make the right decision."

"And your father agrees with your approach?"

Adrian's smile is stagnant once again. "We have an agreement."

"Lord Ivashkov, I was just about to show Victor and his party the grounds, as well as our memorial. Would you like to accompany us?"

"I'd be honoured." Adrian accepts

The Headmaster grins and leads our party out of the hall. Soon he and Victor are talking about the 'weight of responsibility' on the youth and I hear court mentioned before a hand on my elbow pulls me back a few paces.

"I don't know about you but I'm tired of politics." Adrian says.

"I can't say I understand a lot of it." I murmur.

We follow them down the stone steps and into a large court yard and I try to not be so resentful he's prevented me from eavesdropping. Eavesdropping isn't something I should do anyway…

There were students out here eating and laughing together although they stopped what they were doing when they looked our way, just for a moment, before they started whispering again with a new excitement buzzing around them. I could almost hear it. I could only assume it's the reaction to Victor after his speech.

So many eyes are flitting this way, skimming over us, and the hair on the back of my neck is standing up and staring back.

"So, where do you go to school? You're still in school right?" Adrian asks pleasantly.

Victor and Headmaster Levandi were walking ahead with Ben and Spiridon flanking either side. Dimitri is a couple of paces behind me so there is no one else to guide or steer the conversation or throw a life raft to questions. Fortunately, Dimitri and Spiridon had coloured in parts of my cover story this morning whilst I ate.

The best lies have a bit of the truth in them. I'd heard Victor say that.

"I was home schooled."

"Really?" He asks, looking much more enthused by the answer than seemed necessary.

"Uh, yeah." I look away from his keen expression. People were definitely watching us. Not so much me which is understandable, I am technically and theoretically a nobody, just a girl, but when their eyes slide over me they stick to Victor, their headmaster and Adrian. Mostly the girls watch Adrian and dissolve into whispers and giggles when they pass. He doesn't seem to notice. "Was it lonely? I had a tutor once and that was hell. All they wanted to talk about was proper grammar and the Renaissance."

He shoots me a grin and I smile because it seems like the best response. "So how did you make friends when you weren't chained to a desk?"

Two girls watch Adrian appreciatively as they pass. "I didn't have a lot of time for friends."

"Everybody needs friends. Who would lead us astray?"

There were lilies out here too. Simple glass vases hosting them proudly on solitary plinths, tea light candles keeping them company. "I had a friend."

"Just the one? They must have been special."

The buzzing courtyard becomes background noise. "They were."

"Wait. So you can still become Guardian through home schooling? How does that work? I bet your dads terrifying."

I take a deep breath and let the lie spill easily. "No, I was home schooled and Ben went to _St. Basils_ to train but now with the way things are its thought best I start learning about the …way things are."

Adrian glances thoughtfully at the party ahead. "And Victor is …supporting your broadening horizon?"

What a strange way to put it. "Yes, he's been very kind."

We start on a path that curves around the side of the building. A high wall on our right side looks out into the silhouettes of trees that rise out blackness on higher hills around the school. I crane my neck and see there's a sheer plunge on the other side, the tallest trees must still be twenty feet below and I can only make out some of its branches before being its lost to the black beneath.

A movement over my shoulder makes me look up and see Dimitri's scanning the hills with an animalistic keenness.

A small cough on my other side asks my attention.

"Pardon?"

Adrian looks graciously patient. Victor's party have gotten so far ahead. I fall back into step with the Moroi boy. The reality of it almost makes me snort. Me strolling around a castle filled with students, with a moroi boy at my side talking to me like we're equals. My mother would say…. What would my mother say? For a strange moment her face is fuzzy in my mind but Adrian speaks and the thought of her turns to vapor.

"I asked if you were thinking of coming here then? But that seems a bit like… not knowing how to swim and then jumping into the deep end of the pool. Possibly with stones in your pockets."

"No, I won't be attending school here."

He looks relieved but for some reason I can't help but feel disappointed. "I can't imagine your mother would allow that. I mean, this school has a lot of merit and it's produced some of the best but …. What happened still happened." The path spits us out into a wide bit of ground with the main building still flanking us but up ahead is another building, a smaller one… it kind of reminds me of the Ozera's barn but it's all brick and not wood. A high slanted roof with a stone cross presented at the front. The windows were coloured glass and they were lit up like glowing jewels against the inky darkness beyond the building. "She would probably prefer you to go somewhere a bit closer to her, huh?"

"I don't think it overly matters." I murmur, captivated by the jewelled windows and happy to see it was the building we were being led toward.

"Really? I'm worried my mother going to follow me to college and it's not like I haven't lived away before. Yours might just be better at playing it cool."

Victor and Levandi are no longer speaking and that solemnness that coated the hall is back and I'm no longer intrigued by the building. A coolness pools in my stomach as we get close to the arching door and the sweetness hits me like a wall.

I take a deep breath and expect the smell to burn my lungs. There was smokiness mingling in there too now, coming from inside.

"This is going to give me a headache." I hear Adrian mutter.

"No she's not playing it cool." I answer him, my head starting to swim as Victor steps through the doors.

"Oh?" Adrian's voice is tight as we step onto the threshold.

I look up at him and its plain on his face the smell is bothering him too. "She's dead." And I follow Victor in.

/

You got used to the smell. I learned it wasn't just the lilies but incense and I also learned that lilies were the flowers for mourning which caused me to feel sickened with guilt. I had walked through the school and the grounds with flowers everywhere and I had taken them for nothing more than decoration, easily ignoring them.

They were a symbol of pain. They were a symbol of loss. They symbolized people here were hurting and once I realized it the old wound inside me began to split open, one stich at a time. I tried to stay inside my own head and not get dragged away into memories or emotions. Both would be pointless and what was the point suffering here and now over things that couldn't change. It would be a selfish indulgence.

It was easy to stay in my own head though, in the present, all I had to do was pay attention to everyone else's sadness and try to see it through a glass wall against myself.

The building was a church and it's where the lost were remembered. It was lit by candles and burning lanterns. There were framed pictures of the people that had gone missing or died in the attack. They sat on a table that was atop some stone steps and they were surrounded by candles, flowers, letters, cards, what looked like some candy pieces and marble stones. I didn't read any of the cards or letters. I didn't get too close. It didn't seem right to be so … inside other people's grief. This wasn't a TV show to entertain me.

The students in here stood in tight groups of twos or threes. The girls held onto one and other and the boys held onto each other's shoulders, like without they show of support they'd become unstable and collapse.

Victor spoke to them and for a split second this seemed to me to be completely offensive and obnoxious but the compassion in his face and solace in his voice quickly changed to be a support that was needed. His empathetic hand on a shoulder and the mournful bow of his head stood out like warm light nestled in the dark.

I didn't speak. Neither did Adrian but we didn't leave each other. I think he felt a little how I did, like an imposter. We rotated around the hall, standing in front of the faces o the dead for a few minutes, before making our way back down to the back. Ben and Spiridon stationed themselves at either side of the room, letting Levandi's Guardian be the one to move with them. Adrian and I agree without words that it is time to leave and we make our way back down the hall, passing Dimitri at the door.

The candle light is reflected in his dark eyes but there's nothing else.

Outside the hall the cool air is a welcome relief and forgetting to be respectful I stride to the far side of the open ground to a bench and drop down onto it.

"Yeah, I know right." He says shakily having followed me. I don't know what to say, I feel utterly drained. There's a small clicking noise and a little ball of light spring up near his face.

"You smoke." I state dumbly, trying to reconnect my mind to normal footing again.

"Does it bother you? I'm sorry. I need to clear my head after that …ha, irony."

It takes me a second but I get it and I grin. The smell of cloves dances past my nose, a spice to chase away the sweetness I felt clinging to me.

"It makes it all feel real doesn't it?" He says quietly. "How close we really are to the end of everything."

I look out at the people coming and going from the church. "Or the beginning."

He sits down next to me and the reality hits me again. A moroi boy and a slave girl. I wasn't a slave anymore but what was I. What was I?

"I'm sorry." He suddenly says and I turn to find him watching me. Didn't any moroi have dull eye colour? His reminded me of moss and trees. "About your mom. I'm sorry you lost her."

Yes, every lie had to have a little bit of truth in it. "So am I."

"But you have your brother. You have each other."

Where was the truth in that lie? "I hope so."

The lingering fog in my head, the lack of awareness of my limbs, all sharply disappears when his hand takes mine. It doesn't just cover it but actually holds it. Not a reproachful gesture but one with the confidence only a Moroi boy with the world at his feet could have, a boy who would never second guess if his touch on Dhampir was wrong.

His hands were soft and mild. Not warm and calloused.

I try to stay calm.

"I know I hardly know you and I don't want this to sound like some bullshit people say because they have to but…it will be okay. I know it will be."

I tug my hand back with a small smile.

"You don't believe me." He takes a drag from his cigarette. He made it look more appealing than the Guardians had but then again it was less likely he'd put it out on my neck.

"There's just no way of you knowing that. I have to learn what I can while I can and do what I can with it."

"Very eloquently put." He muses and I sort through my mental dictionary whilst trying to decipher his tone. "But I do, I know these things. I get feelings about people. Don't mistake that for coded way of me declaring my love for you, I only do that after the third date, but I get a good read on people. You're going to be okay."

I give his speech the respectful few seconds that seem appropriate. "If you say so."

He chuckles and rests his elbow on his knee, tilting his head up toward me. He was definitely very pretty. "Not easily sold are you?"

"You'd be surprised. I've never been told my price."

He grins wider and I grin too at how utterly oblivious he is to my joke, to me and the truth. There's a power in it.

"How long are you here for?"

"I'm not sure. It depends on Victor I suppose."

"So you're going back west with your brother?"

I cross my legs. "Yes."

"So does that mean you'll be enrolling at since it'll be close to him?"

This was not covered. This was not briefed. "I'm…not sure."

"Well what else are going to do? It's bound to be too late for you to start punching through brick or holding your hand over flames, or whatever it is Dhampir's do in school."

"Don't you know how Dhampirs train?"

"Apart from being preached at about the failures in history and some droning about culture I didn't have much to do with Dhampirs. Although I do _admire_ their dedication to being in peek physical form."

I tug my cuffs over my bony wrists. "Yeah…they're great."

"Are you okay? You're col - Ah, you seem upset."

I lift my chin and smile into his face letting that lie play out for him. He doesn't buy it straight away. He was looking up at me with a judging kind of look, like he was trying to decide on something but just when I think I'm going to lose my grip on my smile he straightens up, expression mild.

"Why didn't you have 'much to do with Dhampirs'." It's better to keep the questions pointed at him.

He swirls his cigarette at me and the spice makes my nose scrunch. "You sound so judgey little one." He takes a long draw. "It's not that I _chose_ to have nothing to do with them they just weren't apart of my circle per say. I knew a few, obviously, but I wasn't close to any."

"Why?"

He looks over the quad and shrugs. "My school wasn't like Andres, , it was a bit more elite. The Dhampirs there are more focused on their training and don't really deter from it. They just walk around hard faced and stick with each other. Kinda like him." I follow the direction in which he nodded and see Dimitri stepping out of the church and scanning the open. His gaze quickly stops on us and he starts striding toward us. "God help the bastard who tries to get to Victor through him."

Now I smirk. "You're scared of Dimitri?

"His name isn't Goliath? Oh hello there."

Dimitri tilts his head in greeting. His face is completely blank and in the dim light he seems bigger than usual or maybe it's just because we're sitting. "Headmaster Levandi and Mr Dashkov were wondering where you were."

Adrian leans back so he's slouched against the wall behind us. "It's a bit much in there."

"They're hoping you'd talk to some of the students."

"And say what?"

His tone takes me by surprise but Dimitri is unfazed. "I think they're hoping you'll share your sympathy with your peers and in your fathers absence you'll be a positive presence, reassurance of their safety."

Adrian raises his eyebrows. "Because I can do that can I? Reassure safety?"

Dimitri considers him and my breathing has become shallow. "Yes, you can."

Adrian flicks his cigarette away and stands, wiping his palms on his fine trousers. "Sure. They've suffered through a massacre what's one lie?" And with that he walks away.

What on earth was that about? I give Dimitri a look as to ask as much but he doesn't provide any kind of answer. "They shouldn't be too much longer."

"Kay." I pick up the cigarette stub and toss it in a trashcan.

"I'll take you back up to your room when they're finished here."

"Okay." We walk back toward the church but at a much slower pace, like both of us had no desire to be back inside. "Dimitri, what was your school like?"

"How do you mean?"

"Did you… did you have Moroi friends?"

He pauses and I look up at him. "A few. Why?"

"Adrian says he went to an 'elite' school and Dhampir's and Moroi didn't really speak to one and other."

"Adrian's school are very firm about their belief of social order." He responds flatly.

I stop walking and he pauses a pace ahead. "Social order?"

"They come first."

I frown. "That's believed everywhere though, isn't it?"

He exhales and takes that pace back toward me. "It's believed culturally but it's practiced in a few places. The school is an example of one, where there is implicate segregation, and then there's the explicit practice."

I consider his words. "Me, right?"

He nods.

"Adrian thinks Dhampirs are beneath him in the order?"

"It's what his education subliminally told him."

"Sublimnally?"

"Subconsciously." He explains and then he lowers his voice. "Did he say something to you?"

I shake my head. "He was nice." Which is why I somehow feel betrayed.

"I shouldn't judge but I don't think Adrian's one to take his education seriously."

"What makes you think that?"

The barest hint of amusement touches his features. "The more pristine a reputation the more amplified a blemish can be. I've overheard of the Ivashkov's having to pull strings to keep stories hushed and compensating for scandals having to blow over. Judge Adrian for yourself though, not by what you've heard even from me. Your gut instinct rarely lies."

"People can lie though, people can be great liars."

Our party emerge from the church. Victor's hand is resting compassionately on the Headmasters shoulder, whose face seems rather blotchy, and behind them is Adrian looking paler.

"Yes, yes they can be." He murmurs and moves away.

/

Walking back through the grounds Headmaster Levandi has much more of an interest in talking to me and Adrian. Thankfully Adrian is better equipped with the appropriate responses and I know he's aware of how awkward I feel. It's not that the questions were hard or anything but being under somebody else's scrutiny, being asked what I think in the presence of others had sweat breaking out on the back of my neck and my bandages inching tighter around my ribs. I had no idea why I was irrationally anxious and it was pissing me off.

Lissa told me that I had a voice for a reason and I didn't have to justify that reason to anyone.

I missed them both.

"…I'm sure that within a few weeks they'll come to their senses and allow them back. Especially when the novelty of having a moody teenager in the house permanently wears off, maybe less than a few weeks if there's more than one." Adrian is saying and receives appreciate nods and smiles in response.

"What do you think, Rose?" Headmaster Levandi suddenly asks, craning his head past Adrian to see me. Would you consider attending here? Truthfully. I know you have not exactly been able to see much of what we have to offer Dhampir's academically but surely you've gotten a good sense of our schools values, our communal ties. "

Oh god. He looks so hopelessly expectant that I can't help but pity him. Now that I'm having to focus on his face it's hard not to notice the clear signs of stress. The lines that have been drawn to mark sleepless nights, the downturn of his mouth when it's relaxes and the smudges beneath his eyes.

Every lie has a little bit of truth in it.

"I have and I would consider staying here if it were a simple choice." I say carefully. Trying to think, walk, ignore their eyes and breathe was extremely difficult. No one was offering any help. Dimitri and Ben were behind. Spiridon was on my other side with Adrian at the other. I was on my own and in the darkest pit of my stomach a little spark was igniting. I try to focus on it. "But right now I want to stay close to my brother."

"Ah, I see." His tone is stiff with disappointment. Immediately I want to say something to insist that my lie isn't an outright lie, not the lie he thinks it is where I'm too scared by what happened here because I wasn't. Not completely. I don't know what to say.

"Well that's understandable." Adrian jumps in with a look of sympathy that makes guilt swamp the spark. "You just lost your mother."

"Oh, oh I am so sorry." Levandi says. His expression changing rapidly into horror and the guilt is back as well as panic because beside Levandi, Victor was looking rather surprised too. His eyebrows had shot up into hairline. It hadn't been a part of the brief that my, our, mother would be dead but … every lie was better with a bit of truth in it right? And I couldn't see how it would matter…

"It's okay." I appease pathetically but he's already turning around.

"My condolences." He murmurs heavily. If Ben was surprised by new stitch work in the web of lies he doesn't show it. He doesn't show any emotion at all as he thanks him.

We begin moving again and I clench my sweaty palms. I can't put my finger on it but I think I've done something wrong here.

"Are you okay?" Adrian asks low enough for only me to hear. The concern on his face makes my step falter.

"Fine." I say hoarsely.

"It seems no one is escaping death these days." I hear Levandi say to Victor.

We cross back through the large courtyard which has fewer students than before and some of the tea lights had gone out. A Guardian is moving around, a silent shadow, relighting them. Stepping back into the main corridor of the school a woman strides purposely toward us, the second woman I've seen since being here excluding the students. She wears a deep green suit that is fitted to her perfectly, accenting her curves that I can't help but trace, and beneath her jack is a silky pearl blouse with embellishments around the collar. Her skins a russet colour, like red earth, a colour I can't even describe because I've never seen anybody wear it before. But what's more startling and has me pause a beat before the whole party does, is that she is a Dhampir and not a Guardian.

"Ah, Lord Dashkov, Lord Ivashkov this is Zoey Blake. She has overseen the new security placement your Guardian Ben suggested and the general management of new Guardian enforcements. She's been nothing short of incredible."

Most Guardian's would merely nod in acknowledgement, modest, composed but Zoey smiles. It small, dignified but it relays that she agrees with him. I like her.

"It is a pleasure to meet you both." Her accent is thicker than Levandi's but understandable. "I cannot take that credit. I was given incredible guidelines and procedures to follow. It is Guardian White who is incredible in this instance." Her hazel eyes stare past the two Moroi and she nods in respect. Ben looks rather abashed and I swallow my laugh. Adrian raises his eyebrows at me. "I'm hoping we can discuss your ideas for the southern perimeter later."

All eyes on Ben.

"Yes. Of course."

Satisfied with his response she turns to Levandi. "Prince Nathan Ivashkov is waiting in your chambers. I had two seats added to your dining table. I hope that is appropriate."

"Yes, thank you Zoey." Levandi says. "How nicely this has worked out, yes?"

Victor hums. "Yes, how convenient. Shall we? Oh, could one of you show Rose back to her suite?"

It hadn't entered my mind that I would be joining them but it hadn't occurred to me either that I was the surplus, and that would mean I would be very obviously be asked to leave the party. If I'd been thinking, if I'd not allowed myself to get so distracted like I had been then I wouldn't be feeling so rawly dejected and rejected, and completely embarrassed about it.

"I'll see Rose back." Spiridon says, surprising at least four of us but three hide it well. My self-discipline had become so lax.

"We'll check in on you later." Victor assures me with a smile that has a degree of an apology. God was it so obvious? Or was he just covering bases encase he was being rude in any way. Since being here I felt like I didn't know him at all, like he was an utter stranger or rather that the lines were drawn better between us. He was an important Moroi and I was a shadow in his wake. "Let's not keep Nathan waiting. We know how he hates that.

"Oooh, don't we just." Adrian says blandly and then whispers to me. "I wish you were coming. At last there'd be someone to talk to about things that didn't make me want to be face down in my soup."

I can't help but laugh. He smiles to the degree his fangs show and my stomach flips but he's already following after the others.

"Move it." Spiridon orders. His Guardian face was still on but his grey eyes were flint.

I roll my eyes and as we walk back to the room I wonder if this is the point where he gets his revenge. He could hardly hurt me as badly as I had ever been hurt, physically…. Not here. Unless he hurt me where it couldn't be seen but he wouldn't do that right? Dimitri would go insane. Maybe like he had with Alec and that would be terrible for everybody. Unless he counted on my pride to keep me silent. A trembling works its way down my legs as we climb the stairs to the suite.

He stays the ahead the entire time, not doing me any favours about keeping pace but happy to highlight how weak I was in comparison. I hated it and it made me want to trip him. He only stops when he's in front of my door. I pull the key from my pocket and try to ignore the impatience radiating off him.

I open the door and step inside, rounding to close it behind me but to my surprise, and horror, he pushes past me and strides in.

Oh god, this was going to be bad. Maybe I should run.

Spiridon picks up the phone in the sitting room and punches in a short number. He looks over his shoulder. "Why are you loitering? Ah, Tere õhtust..."

I contemplate it and then shut the door behind me. I give him a wide birth eigning needing water from the kitchen. I can't understand a word of estonian he's saying but the conversation is short.

"Dinner's being sent up but other than that you shouldn't have any other visitors."

"Okay." I lean back against the counter and grasp the water bottle between hands to ground me. "What are you mad about?"

"What?"

I take a deep breath. "You're angry with me."

He cocks his head and the Guardian face falls. Yeah, he's pissed. "Is this self-obsession newly founded or have you been hiding it all this time?"

"What?"

"Your mommy's dead?"

The bottle crunches under my fingers. "I didn't… I thought it wouldn't-"

"You weren't supposed to think." He hisses. "You were told the story you needed to sell. It didn't require you to give it sub plots."

My face is in flames. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cause problems for Victor."

"Oh you haven't. You don't wield that much of an influence little girl." He sneers and begins to walk toward the door. "Someone will check in later."

The flames in my face are moving to encase my entire body and I can't stand it. So I have to throw the fire somewhere else. "Why are you like this to me? What did I do?"

"The moment the attention isn't on you, you had to bring it back round again. Make everyone pity _you,_ just could not bear everyone else's pain to do not directed at you. You're a selfish little brat."

I wish he'd hit me. I'd understand that. Dislike and bad temperament, plus me, plus Guardian, equals physical pain. That made sense.

"That's not what I wanted. Adrian…he asked me about my mother and –"

"Do you know how it then made Victor look that he hadn't mentioned it to Levandi? Do you know how that thread of insensitivity could undermine him? No of course you don't because you don't understand anything going on here. So just shut up Rose, just shut up and do as you're told."

He yanks open the door. "There's people out there who have lost everybody who meant something to them. Nobody to care whether they live or die and those that do have somebody left need to be fucking grateful. So think about how privileged you are to announce somebody dead that isn't, somebody who isl out there loving you." And he shuts the door with a resolute bang.

/

The whole evening Spiridon's words stay with me. Sitting on the opposite couch and staring into my face, demanding some explanation but I have nothing to say. I wish I could say that the way I felt made me lose my appetite but years of valuing food didn't allow it. So when dinner did arrive I ate every bit of it and felt ashamed for enjoying it.

So I'm guilty and greedy and ashamed.

Who was I becoming?

Was Spiridon right? Was I so used to being someone's concern that I needed to hold on to it… I didn't think so. I didn't want to believe so. I had told Adrian what I had because seeing all the pain and grief in the faces here, feeling the misery and longing and heartbreak inside that church… I carried a pocket of that with me all the time. It's how thinking of her made me feel and for once I could tell someone and have them begin to understand that.

I didn't expect Adrian to tell anybody else that. That was careless.

Did Dimitri and Ben think I was a self-centred brat? Did Victor? Did he think I was going to be more trouble than I was worth? What if he did leave me here? No that's stupid.

A knock on the door nearly makes me fall off the couch. Who would be worse coming to yell at me? Dimitri or Victor? If it were Spiridon again I'd be at risk of losing my temper which would be so so so bad. I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans and walk the too short a distance to the door.

I take a deep breath and setting my shoulders I swing it open ready to take whatever verbal beating is waiting on the other side.

"Wow, did I interrupt the watershed romance part of the movie?" Adrian asks.

I blink and the breath I'd been holding whooshes out. "Uh, what…what are you doing here?"

He leans on the door frame. "I escaped political debate number 134 and was hoping you're feeling the way I do in the sense that you're respectfully so over feeling depressed and want to do something to take your mind off death…and everything else wrong in the world."

"I think I followed that."

"Yeah, I get told a lot I can be too cryptic."

I raise an eyebrow.

He grins. "Layman's terms. Would you want to escort this rather lonely, bored and semi-gent on –"

"Adrian."

He laughs and straightens up. "Wanna come to a party?"

"Um." I look down the empty hallway, save for the Guardian posted at the bottom of the corridor. "There's a party?"

"It's pretty private. No faculty or respected government figures allowed. Just us crazy kids."

"I'm not sure I'm allowed…"

"Well that just makes it more appealing." His grin fades as he watches me and it's like he knows I'm about to turn the offer down. "Look when I left it was dessert, after that comes coffee and then the brandy and then the heated debates around the subjects the tip-toe around through the main courses. They'll never know you're gone."

"I can't really afford to get into trouble right now." I say, toeing the moulding at the doorway

"Rose." I lift my head and look at someone who makes all that shame melt away. Someone who didn't know about the words waiting in the room behind me, "Why would I get you into trouble? I'm your friend."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So currently I am in my last semester at university so my schedule is really hectic right now with things and throw in a part time job … yeah. I don't need the added stress of setting update deadlines.
> 
> Thanks for bearing with me though, I appreciate it.


	29. To new friends.

Friend.

The sudden announcement has me startled. And it wasn’t just an announcement, no, it was like a promise mixed up with a justification. He wanted my company because … because he liked it? Or did he just feel sorry for me? Or was he just bored but I am someone his own age and someone he’d been speaking to all day. Why waste a chance for company when you’d already put all the effort in? But if he’d been invited to a party then that would mean he already knew people so –

“Are you thinking of a way to get rid of me? Because you had a two second window for an excuse and that passed you by about ten seconds ago. Now twelve.”

“What? No. I just… I don’t know…”

“Well, while the angel and the devil battle it out on your shoulders can I at least come in? My legs are starting ache.”

I step aside automatically, anything to accommodate Moroi.  He sails through the door with swagger that couldn’t be faked. It made me jealous.

“Your legs don’t hurt at all.”                              

He grins over his shoulder, flashing a fang. “It got me in though didn’t it?”

“Praying on my guilt. How noble.”

He flops down on to one of the couches. “Nobility is in league with stupidity. I don’t want to be known for either.”

“Stupidity?” I drift closer to the sitting area. Spiridon’s words are watching scornfully in the shadows but they’re easier to ignore now.

“Noble men are dead men.” He says matter-of-factly. He props his legs up on the table, the pose mirroring how Spiridon had sat this morning. “About this party, I promise to have you back before the sky lightens.”

“I…” All my pop-culture education via magazines and TV kicks in. “I don’t have anything to wear to a party.”

He looks me up and down and my hands twitch to cover myself. “You look fine. It’s not a big thing just something casual in the dorms.”

I cross my arms and eye his clothes. “I think we have different casuals.”

He looks down at himself. “You might have a point.”

I did have a point. I was in a comfortable oversized sweater, one that I knew had been bigger a week ago but still hid me well, and jeans. Adrian on the other hand wasn’t dressed as formally as Victor in a suit but his clothes were just as expensive. He wore a charcoal V-neck sweater that I knew would be of the best quality and couldn’t be just tossed in with other laundry. It would have to be hand washed. Under that peaked out a deep plum shirt that was complimentary to his pale skin, green eyes and bronze hair. And there’s his trouser, deep gray and pressed, the thought of tossing them in the dryer gives me a flutter of anxiety. I knew my clothes weren’t cheap and Natalie wouldn’t insult herself by spending money on poor quality but still I was nowhere near being on the same level as him.

I relax thinking I’d resolved this easily and now could start hinting that he should leave. But then he stands up and starts pulling his arms back through his sweater.

“What are you doing?” My tone has shot to the ceiling.

“Dressing down, love.” He pulls the sweater over his head, ruffling his barely tamed hair and turning my tongue to stone. “There. I hate layering up but I’d already gotten away with not wearing a tie.” He tosses it on the couch.

“I- uh – whatno.” My words start tumbling over each other but he doesn’t seem to be paying attention. He’s too busy untucking his shirt.

“Is there a mirror?” I’m still mashing up words like a baby but he spots the one in the hallway behind me and goes to it. “Do you have any gel?”

“Gel? No. What sort?”

His reflection grins at me and my face starts to flame.  “To treat infections. For my hair.”

“No, I don’t.”

“Spiridon doesn’t stay in here does he?”

Well that sobers me. “No!” 

“Damn it.” He runs his fingers through his hair, tugging it in different directions. “I’m starting to get a better understanding of why Guardian’s shave it off.”

“So enemies can’t grab it.” I murmur recalling a piece of trivia I’d read.  I sink down on the arm of the chair watching him. He’s so utterly engrossed in styling his hair I’m reminded of Natalie. Even his tongue was poking out.  “And if they spent this much time on it we’d all be dead.”

He sniggers. “We do need all the help we can get at the minute. That’ll have to do. Screw it.” He turns back to me with a sigh that is seriously misplaced. He still looked too good. “You’re nervous. Why?”

I have a voice. Use it. I have choices now. Know them. I didn’t have to do things to make Moroi happy. I wasn’t for Adrian to control. I wasn’t beneath him.

“Why do you want me to go? It sounds like you know people there already.”

He looks puzzled and bit offended. “Uh, because I knew you were up here alone, probably bored and I thought it would be nice to bring you with me.”

“You don’t need to do me any favours Adrian. Thank you.”

“I’m doing it for me too, obviously.”  Obviously? Obviously what? Using me for his own interest like most Moroi I’d known. But what for this time? He smiles and the tip of his fang sends chills down my spine. _No_. “The guy having this party I know through, well other things, but he’s like people I grew up with so people there will probably be the same. I’m assuming so anyway, he might know some decent people. At least with you there I’d have someone different to talk to.” His tone had grown very gentle and he’s moved back against the wall, clearing the way to the door. It was helping calm me down.

“I’m not… I’m not really that interesting.”

“Tsk. None of that. Your plenty interesting little one and funny once you come out of your shell. Look I’m not going to force you to go but I think it would be good for you. It would be excellent for me but for once I’m not the most important thing here.”

“Are you always so glib?”

He smirks. “I pride myself on it.”

I roll my eyes and then look down at myself. “Are you sure I’m dressed alright?”

“You look fine. It’s just a dorm party, no need to bare skin. Maybe take your hair out of the braid, it makes you look younger.”

I frown and pull the tie from my hair and start combing it out. “What age?”

“I don’t know, fourteen. God maybe you shouldn’t come with me. They’ll think I adopted you.” I ping the hair tie at him and narrowly miss his eye and better yet, I only feel slightly guilty about it. “What age are you anyway? Sixteen?”

“I’m seventeen.” I say indignantly.

He looks genuinely surprised. “Huh… maybe the girls I know wear too much make-up.”

“Or maybe I need to too.” I mutter stepping up to the mirror above the fireplace. I avoid my eyes as I push my hair around hoping it will fall in a way that will make me look my age.  I’d always liked my hair but now it was like another element of my body that was making my life complicated.  Did Natalie have hers cut shorter to make herself look older?

But I liked it having it long.

“Don’t slather any of that cream stuff on your skin, whassit called…” I had no idea. In the mirror I watch him think hard on it. “Foundation! You have a great complexion so don’t paint over it.”

Foundation rang a bell. Natalie wore it and she’d tried to explain it to me once but I hadn’t got it. I just knew that she put it on every day and it made her pale skin glow slightly. It …enhanced her prettiness.

“Expert in make-up are you?” 

Could Natalie make me prettier?

Adrian stands up. “In artwork actually. Keen eye for colour.” Something in his tone sends a pleasant flutter through me. “There, a smile, a real one. Think you’re set in the beauty department.”

I pull my hair forward again. “Well there’s not much else I can do.”

“We’re going to a dorm party. Minimal effort is required.” He reassures again.

I turn round and raise a hand toward him. “You call that minimal effort?”

He grins. “Ah, but I had a prior engagement.”

I look down at my clothes which I’d chosen to be practical and comfortable. I never thought that would leave me at a disadvantage. Then again why would I ever think I’d be in situation like this?

“Rose, darling, I am not going to remove my shirt just to make you feel like the overdressed one. Well, unless you say please.”

His words would have panicked me if it weren’t for his tone and playful expression, they both told me he was teasing, that he wasn’t serious. There was no threat. I let the flame in the pit of my stomach glow and smirk back.  “I suddenly forgot all my manners.”

“Your loss.” He says, “Let’s go little one.”

“I’m not that little.” I argue as he leads the way. “I’m 5’7.”

“With the sturdiness of a rake.”

“What?”

“What?”

“You’re annoying.”

“And a beautiful friendship is born.”

//  


I am terrified. I’m as terrified as I was the night I met the strigoi and Dimitri. Every time a pair of eyes grazes over me it’s the same sensation I had when I was being chased, being hunted. But at least in the woods I knew what was wanted was my blood.

Here I had no idea.

“Adrian! I heard you were slinking around.” A very pretty red head shouts as soon as we step over the threshold. Adrian had just reassured me about how low key this would be because people just wanted to ‘chill and unwind’. I had just started to believe him.

The red haired girl been standing with two other girls in the middle dorm lounge (which was just like a large living room but with a lot more seats and desks)  but now she’d broken away and was walking toward us, eyes trained on Adrian like he were chocolate.

There are thirteen people in this room, seven boys and six girls. More people than I’d ever been in close quarters with. Fourteen if you include Adrian. Speaking of which, he’s grinning at the girl coming toward us and not doing what he should be doing which is telling me to calm the hell down.

That’s okay Adrian, you just ignore me. That’s okay because everything is okay. Nothing has happened. No reason to freak out. Everybody’s only looking at us. Calm the hell down. Be normal or at best average. Be average.

Yes, average.

“Astrid.” Adrian greets when she’s close enough. But she keeps coming and suddenly she’s pressed up against him with one arm around his neck and I have to step back. The whole room is watching them now

Average. Average. Average people wait to be introduced or be acknowledged.

Astrid pulls away but leaves one hand on his shoulder. “And I do not slink. I sashay.”

She doesn’t look at me or make indication that I’m more than a piece of furniture. Ah, how that brought back anxiety ridden memories.

Thankfully Adrian seems to remember he’s dragged me here. “Astrid, Rose. Rose this is Astrid. Her reputation would have preceded her if you more familiar with… well schools.”

Astrid looks confused but instead picks up on his teasing. “Cheap gossip baby. I would think you knew better.”

“I get told that far too often. You would think people would realise I really don’t know any better.” Adrian says and she laughs.

I feel like a spare part Adrian didn’t need to bring with him. I could have stayed with in the room with his clothes.

“I think this place needs _our_ reputations right now.” Astrid whispers and takes a sip from her glass.

Adrian hums in agreement but says, “Unfortunately I’ve a morally, ethically representative image to uphold.”

Astrid considers that. “Vodka?”

“I was wondering when you’d offer.”

She walks away and her hips are moving like Rachael’s had when she wanted Dimitri to notice. But the difference is Adrian does notice.  I feel like I’m watching a TV show or how I imagined a play to be. A real life experience of how boys and girl talk to one and other. How they dance along the danger lines like a game of hopscotch. I look around the room and I can’t help but overthink the body language.

Watching Gossip Girl, it left me with a lot of questions and anxiety. Did everything have to have this charged undertone? Why did Blair and Chuck have such a carnal draw to each other? Why did Blair…why did Blair seem to enjoy it when Chuck is a shadow of what I have nightmares about. What he almost did to Jenny. What if Dan hadn’t come?

Astrid pours a dribble of what looks to be water into a tumbler and then adds some ice. She hands it to Adrian. He doesn’t seem to mind that she’s been stingy with his drink even though there’s a massive bottle of it on the table. I’m about to tactfully ask him why she’s done that but then he’s clapped on the shoulder by a boy and turns away from me.

“And what about you?” Astrid asks and she’s smirking like she’s said something funny.  I’m getting pretty sick of her.

“What about me?” The backbone behind my voice surprises me.

She raises her glass and tilts it. “Drink?”

I only recognise the bottle of Coke on the table. Every other drink is in large glass bottles of various colours, from regal ambers to bright green. It suddenly clicks its alcohol.

I try to hold that backbone. “I’m not thirsty. Thank you.”

Her gaze runs the length of me. “So what are we to do with you?”

I’m saved from answering as a weight settles around my shoulders. “Rose isn’t like us. She’s a good girl.” Adrian says.

“I haven’t met one of those in a while.” The boy says, leaning around Adrian to smile at me. It doesn’t quite reach his eyes and I realise I’ve see him before. He’d been inside the church and I could see behind his eyes that he was still there.

“That’s because there’s no such thing.” Astrid replies. She lifts her cup and drains the entire thing. “There is only the bad and the ignorant.”

“So _that’s_ what kind of party this is. A prolonged wake.” Adrian says grimly.

“No, no it’s not.” The other boy says with resolution and takes Astrid glass from her. He starts refilling it and another glass. “No death. Not tonight.”

“What else is there to talk about?” Astrid asks.

He hesitates and then, as if the cosmic joke was hitting a new curve, he turns to me. “You. Tell us about you.”

Oh, I was going to throw Adrian’s clothes on the fire especially as he’s being absolutely no help whatsoever right now.  “I’m… I’m not that interesting.”

“You came with Lord Dashkov.” Astrid says. “I saw you with him in the marble hall.”

“Rose’s brother is his Guardian.” Adrian supplies, grinning at me like he’d opened the door open for me to enter the conversation.

“And is it, bring-your- _little_ -sister-to-work day?” Astrid asks sweetly.

They’re all looking at me, Adrian encouragingly and the other two expectant.

“Sort of.” I venture. After Spiridon blowing up at me about the lie I told, I opt to tell the truth the best I can. “I’ve never seen much of the world and being here is supposed to help me understand.”

Astrid snorts. It makes her pretty face unattractive. “Understand this, it’s going to hell little one.”

“Stop calling me little.”

She grins and she’s as ugly as Mistress Ozera. “But you are little.”

“Petite is the word you’re looking for.” Adrian chips in.

She opens her mouth and I beat her too it. I think about how Natalie wouldn’t let anyone make her feel like this but I try to imagine how Lissa would handle it. “Not, if she wants to continue to be bitchy.”

Astrid looks surprised and then she laughs which distracts everyone enough so they don’t notice how red I’m going. Or that I nearly joked on the term ‘bitchy’. Okay, that was about 70% Natalie and 30% Lissa.

 “Very good. I like you.” She says and turns back to the drinks.

Adrian gives me a playful nudge with his elbow and I almost shove him back with the intent to put him through a wall.

“Certainly a Dhampir anyway.” The other boy says. “Even if you are little.”

“To the feisty little Dhampir.” Astrid announces, turning back to us and pressing a drink into my hands.

“There’s a ring to that.” Adrian smirks. They all take a drink and, mostly because Astrid was watching over her cup, I raise mine to my lips and take a sip.

It takes everything I have not to react or retch.  It was like something in it had gone off and become diluted fire and garbage with an under taste of cola. How did they drink this stuff? No wonder Mistress Ozera became crazed with anger.

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone.” Astrid says walking back toward the couches but passing Adrian she runs her fingers over his chest.

I take advantage of having her back turned to pass him my drink. I didn’t particularly like Astrid but I didn’t want her to think less of me or something. I’m not sure why. Thankfully Adrian doesn’t comment but drains it.

“Don’t worry, we won’t stay long.” He says. “Go on over. I’ll bring you another drink. Just plain ol’ carbonated sugar.”

I don’t think I’ve ever felt more awkward in my life than I do now approaching the cluster on the couches. But nobody pays attention to me so now I’m just stood awkwardly as they all jabber away in Estonian.

Why was I here again? When Adrian appears at my elbow their attention switches to him. I take my drink grateful to have something to do with my hands.

“I heard a rumour.” A girl who had been whispering to Astrid begins. Her accent is as thick as her eyeliner. “That you are going to Lehigh University.”

Adrian doesn’t seem fazed that everyone’s attention is now on him, that conversation has stopped in his honour. No, he seems rather pleased. “Do you believe every rumour you hear?”

“If I did then I would think it impossible for you to get in to such a school. Especially after the incident with the German substitute teacher.”

Adrian touches the glass rim to his lips and looks up from under his lashes. “She was Latino actually.”

The girl looks delightfully shocked whilst the rest of the group laugh and swarm him with questions. He doesn’t pick at any but jerks his chin at one boy lounging on the end of the nearest couch. “Give the lady a seat?”

When is a question not a question?

The boy moves before I cannot protest and Adrian nudges me into the seat. He perches on the arm. Now the others, girls in particular, were sparing me second looks.

“Adrian’s little friend is with Lord Dashkov’s party.” Astrid decides to inform the group from where she’s perched between two other girls. “This is Rose.” I don’t have Adrian’s talent with attention. I take a drink. “Lord Dashkov seems to be allowing his staff family trips.”

 “Are you doing your Guardian exams?” One boy asks me.

“No.”

“She’s hardly old enough.” The racoon says.

“I’m seventeen.”

“Were you starved of Vitamin D?” Astrid grins. Impressions form in the cup under my fingers. “Where is it your from anyway?”

“Speaking of rumours.” Adrian says, taking the reins of the group again. “I heard that people were dropping out of here before the attack. Joining some crazy vigilante group.” 

There’s a collective noise that would accompany eye rolling and laughs.

Astrid, the groups’ mouth piece, says, “Just one stupid boy. Guardian Tanner brought him back.  No one would have known he’d gone if he hadn’t started shouting in the hall when Tanner was walking him in.”

“Oh?” Adrian prompts.

Astrid looks to be thinking, her delicate features screwed up. “I can’t quite recall exactly… Joel you were there weren’t you?”

Joel turns out to be the boy that had been standing with us by the table. He seems less than happy with the topic of conversation which is a turn around to how he’d seemed earlier. “Yes, well… he was accusing Tanner of being a hypocrite and that he was ready or something.”

“Ready for what?” Adrian asks.

Joel shrugs. “Who knows? To be a Guardian, to get out there and fight? I didn’t really know him.”

“I did.” A Dhampir boy says. I hadn’t noticed him before which was quite strange considering he was rather large. Thick arms with bulking muscle sprouted from broad shoulders. Even sitting I could tell he was tall. He was occupying a single a chair just outside the circle which is probably why I hadn’t noticed him sooner. However now I do notice he is one of only three Dhampirs in the room. The other was a blonde girl with red line running from her left temple to the tip of her cheekbone, a shallow wound that would have bled a lot because head lacerations always do. It would heal up nicely but she’d be left with scar. I can’t help but wonder how she got it. Did a strigoi leave that?  “He was in my combat class. He wasn’t crazy.”

“He ran away from a school that is surrounded by forest and mountains. That isn’t crazy?” Astrid returns and the girls on either side smirk.

Despite his large size the Dhampir boy looks uncomfortable. “I just meant he never seemed crazy.”

“What’s your name?”  I ask, cutting off whatever remark was to come out of Astrid’s mouth.

“Karl.” He says with a small smile.  I don’t know why I asked but it seemed important to _see_ him in this group of Moroi. To make sure he knew he was seen.

“So Karl, Joel, this guy wasn’t trying to con you into joining a cult then?” Adrian asks. His glass is nearly empty again.

They exchange a look as they shake their heads.

“Like I said, I didn’t know him. I just heard him when he was shouting at Tanner.” Joel says. “He was ready. Tanner was a hypocrite for holding him back.”

“Although there was a combat session which Tanner was leading, it was a real big deal because Tanner never came to training, and he was real adamant about taking him on one on one when we were paired up.” Karl recalls and reaches for another beer. 

“I’m sorry, who is Tanner exactly?” Adrian asks.

Karl’s face turns sullen and the blonde Dhampir girl touches her cheek, seemingly without realising. Astrid on the other hand, looks bored.

“Tanner was the head Guardian here.” Karl explains quietly. “He ran things pretty tightly. You could tell the other Guardians really respected him. He walked into room and you were ready to follow him anywhere.”

“Well nobody followed him when he really needed them to, did they?” Astrid says, regarding her nails.

Her words have an instant effect, on Karl especially, as he goes stiff.  Even Joel and a few other of the Moroi look uncomfortable but it’s the Dhampir girl that says, “How dare you?” 

Astrid looks at her un-phased and I’m annoyed I ever cared about what she thought. Her and her Moroi arrogance and stupid shiny hair.  “How dare I what?”

The girl’s voice is steel. “Guardian Tanner is the reason this whole school were not slaughtered. The reason you can still sit there and worry about your split ends and stupid dance society.”

“Okay, I think we should – “ Adrian starts, sitting up straighter but no one was listening to him now. He no longer held the room.

“If he were so great then they wouldn’t have gotten in.” Astrid snaps back, the pretty curtain falling off her face to reveal something raw.

“We all know Levandi used to boast about how this place was a standing fortress. He basically taunted the Strigoi.” Karl fires back. “He invited a challenge.”

“Well how should that matter?” Racoon demands as she slides to the edge of her seat. “You’re supposed to protect us no matter how big the threat is.”

“Helena.” Joel says with an appeasing/exasperated edge. “You’re being unfair.”

“It’s what their job is supposed to be!”

“At the end of the day it should have been just another training exercise.” Astrid says. “The Dhampirs should have handled it.”

To my horror, Karl actually hangs his head, and that’s when I can’t hold back the flame that had been spreading through me.

“You are one stupid, arrogant Moroi brat.” I say it quietly but it carries.

Astrid eyes had widened in surprise but now they narrow. “What did you just say to me?”

In my peripheral vision Adrian tenses and I don’t care if I embarrass him, I don’t care if I embarrass myself. There’s just fire in my body and no more room to tolerate bullying.

I glare back at her and clench my hands so they don’t shake. “You have no idea what they’re like. How strong they are or how mind numbingly terrifying it is when they are pressed right up against you and their breath is on your face. Do you know?” She doesn’t say anything but she’s getting redder, it’s not a good look for her as it clashes with her hair. And I know that she’s not feeling any degree of shame but anger because how dare I, a little Dhampir girl challenge her?

“Do you?” Karl asks. I look away from Astrid and I’m greeted by awe. Then I realise everyone is looking at me with expressions in the spectrum of disbelief.

That flame threatens to retreat but I grip it. “Yes. And the only reason I’m alive is because a Guardian found me and literally slammed himself it. Otherwise I’d be dead and, as much as that Guardian is skilled and brilliant I know it wasn’t easy for him to kill it. They aren’t easy to kill.”

“Well duh.” Astrid says in one short, dull breath.

“I knew they wouldn’t be easy to kill.” Karl says, his fingers shredding the paper on the bottle. “That’s common sense but … I still wasn’t prepared. I don’t think, I don’t know how I ever could have been. I froze.”

I realise now that his shoulders are laden with guilt. Joel reaches out and grips one, seeming to push Karl up a little straighter. “So did I. We all did.”

“But Guardians are not supposed to.” Astrid counters.

“Exactly.”  Helena says.

Karl looks utterly deflated but Joel’s touch doesn’t leave his shoulder. “He isn’t a Guardian though. Not yet.”

“Perhaps he doesn’t deserve to be.”

“And perhaps you don’t deserve to have the protection of one.”  I snap.

I comprehend Astrid is suddenly standing, bearing over the short table with her fangs out. She snarls something but I don’t hear it because as she does my drink explodes in my hands. It is a terrible sensation to have cola up inside your nose and even worse when it all streams out. I’m coughing and spluttering, and for some unknown reason I can’t open my eyes.

Someone is shoving tissues into my hand and pressing one to my face and among all the raised voices a girl is loudest, yelling but not in Estonian. It’s clearly Astrid and I anticipate a blow.  I scramble back on the couch and try to get a grip of myself. Urgh, there’s fizzing between my eyes.

I blow into the tissue which makes it easier to pry my eyes open enough to see that Adrian has Astrid by the arms a little bit away and is talking softly to her. She doesn’t look outraged even though I’m positive she’s the one that had been screaming. She actually looks quite… entranced with whatever he is saying. He touches her face with one finger and winks. He gives her a gentle nudge toward Helena who is by her side and who does look murderous. She catches me looking and her already ringed black eyes narrow, so she looks more rodent-like than ever. I can’t help but smirk.

“Are you trying to get your ass kicked?” 

I look up to find Karl hovering over me. The Moroi boy beside me was looking rather uncomfortable to have someone of Karl’s size hulking over us, in fact he was pressing into the girl at the other end as if it would help him get away.

“I don’t think she could kick a tin if you put in front of her.”

Karl smirks. “Maybe not but her nails are pretty sharp.”

“Would she risk breaking one?” The Moroi girl, the one being squished, pipes up. “Erik, will you get off me? I don’t play for your team.”

The boy mutters an apology and glances up at Karl as he moves back…which puts him in direct level with Karl’s crotch. Karl realises this and steps back over the table back to his previous seat. The boy beside me sighs as the girl on his other side laughs with the blonde Dhampir.

I frown and it has nothing to do with fizzing in my nose and back of my throat. “Where did Adrian go?”

“Trying to sweet talk Astrid into another activity bar drowning you I suspect.” The blonde Dhampir smiles, it instantly makes the line on her face irrelevant as there is light everywhere else. “Thank you for that though.”

“Uh, you’re welcome?”

 “I’m definitely in a better mood.” Joel announces, returning to our small crowd with large bottle with clear liquid and small mutli-coloured plastic thimble cups. He sets them out and starts pouring. “But let’s stay clear of sensitive topics for now, okay?”

They all mutter in agreement and each takes one of the plastic cups. Joel nudges one toward me and without thinking about it I take it, too preoccupied with Adrian re-entering the room.

“Well that’s the extent of my superhero work done for the year.” He declares when he reaches us. He takes the bottle from Joel. “What are we toasting? Me?”

“I didn’t have anything in mind.”

“My kinda guy, doing shots for no reason, good. But just for varieties sake lets toast to me eh?”

“Um, why?” The guy beside me asks.

Adrian looks at him like he’s an idiot. “Because I’m wonderful.”

“Because he got Astrid to leave the room?” The blonde suggests. I wish I knew her name.

“I’d rather toast Rose if we’re going down that road.” Karl says.

“Yes, but my hair though.” Adrian points to himself.

“Can we just drink please?” Joel says.

“To my hair!” Adrian declares as everyone lifts the thimble to their lips. I’m too caught up in the moment and too confused to second guess it so I copy them.

Oh. Holy. Shit.

The only thing I can do is spit it out but spit it where? I have to swallow so I do and holy god it’s like fire in my insides. This time I do make a noise between retching and a car engine. Nobody seems to care. Everybody else’s faces are screwed up our tinged in disgust but no one seems to be panicking that their insides might be melting away. No one else seems to be looking for a water source. Adrian seems to gauge my crisis and passes me his glass and I drink it because nothing could be worse.

WRONG.

IT IS SO MUCH WORSE.

I pass it back to him shaking my head and burying my face between my knees. Oh God, oh god, oh god.

Now there is laughter around my head. What hell, what actual hell is this?

“Here, Rose.” Joel’s voice. He wasn’t nice. I thought he was but he initiated this. I’ll tell Natalie about him. I’m pulled up by my shoulder and there he is, holding out a drink to me.

“Is it poison?”  

He grins. “No, it’s safe I promise.”

I glare at him and take it. He collapses into the opposite couch. I look up at Adrian who’s pouring the content of the bottle into his glass. Was he insane?  When he’s done he clicks his fingers at the boy beside me. “Let me sit there won’t you? Rose needs a body guard.”

Well that’s rude….on a few levels. But within moments the guy has gone, the girl too, and Adrian is in his place.

I hold up my drink. “This hasn’t got anything in it?”

“Unfortunately.” He murmurs, extending his arm along the back of the couch.

“If you poison me again I will tell Natalie.” I warn and I mean it. It seems entirely possible that I could call her and she would yell at him for me. I’m so grateful for her and Lissa. They are wonderful.

“A pretty hard core threat. I wouldn’t play your hand.” He says, the smell of cloves pressing up against me.

My face is very warm. I dare to take a drink and thankfully there seems to be nothing awful in it.

“So I’m guessing not going to school means there’s no late night school parties to partake in and or rules to break. Like, drinking, smoking etc.”

“Etc is my favourite.” Karl calls across to us and I don’t even know why but I’m grinning hugely. That’s when the pieces fall together. I feel like I had when Mary had made me drink wine. I feel steady yet free, relaxed yet on edge, but my anxiety has dulled a great deal. Or maybe that was just due to Astrid no longer being here and Adrian now being very close.

“You smell nice.” I tell him.

He leans in and I tense, I doubted that would ever stop happening no matter how much alcohol I had. He leans back a fraction and I can see the gold flecks in the green. “So do you.”

I grin. “I do, don’t I?”

He laughs.

“I’m going to take _that_ exchange as a yes to my earlier question.” He says before he takes a drink. I have so many questions and so many thoughts that I don’t know which to pluck out because right now I felt like I could ask almost anything.

“No, I don’t smoke or drink. But I have drunk a little bit before. It helped when I was scared.” There’s tingling under my skin that’s quite nice. Somehow it reminds me of Dimitri. Strange.

Adrian frowns. “Why were you scared?” 

There was no panic about the truth. He would only know if I told him but I was keeping the truth locked away. I could do that. I had the power to. “It doesn’t matter now. I’m not scared about things now.”

Worry lingers on his features and he opens his mouth to speak but thinks better of it so I smile and take a drink of my soda.

“Are you going to college with Andre?” I ask, remembering what Victor had said.

Adrian’s contemplative look is chased away with a roll of his eyes. “I’m going whether I want to or not. I don’t have a choice.”

“Don’t you don’t want to go?”

“I never really thought about it until recently. It was always a sure thing.” He takes a drink and then looks up at me from under his lashes. He was a very pretty boy, even by Moroi standards. “No one ever asked.”

“I’ve been told I need to ask more questions.” I say proudly.

His head lolls back against his arm as he watches me. “You are a genuine little find aren’t you? I feel like I could tell you anything, how dangerous.”

I’m not sure what to say so I take a drink.

“Did you meet Andre when they were on vacation?” He asks.

“No, when they got back. I’ve only met him once.” I try not to cringe at the memory.

“That explains the lack of reaction. Usually when girls have _met_ Andre they’re either swooning or … cursing.”

What was it Ben had said once? You are the company you keep and from everything I’ve been able to gather so far Adrian and Andre are friends. The girls at this school had reacted to Adrian, Astrid had… was that why she showed an instant dislike to me?  I revaluate how close together we are on the couch. How it would look to everyone else. I shimmy back against the arm, it wasn’t a lot of distance but it mattered. I wasn’t in the circle of his arm anymore at least.

What’s strange is… a small part of me felt smug about Astrid or what this might have looked like but it isn’t what it looks like and I’m glad because I have no concept of how to handle that.

“Astrid was swooning over you.” I venture.

“She’s only human. So that means you’ve been staying with your brother since August right?”

“Um, I guess.”

“He’d have to live close to Victor though right? Must be hard on him, yano, making sure you’re okay and working.”

“No, it’s not hard on Ben. I try not to get in the way. We live with Victor.”

“Oh yeah, yeah. That makes a lot more sense. But St.Vladamirs is so close, why don’t you go to school with Natalie and Lissa?”

I tell the one truth I’m able to. “I don’t want to.”

He seems surprised. “Why? I mean, I get that you’re shy and new to a lot of this but you’re handling yourself pretty well.”

I shrug. “I’m not ready for the world yet.”

He nods slowly. Why was he looking at me like that.

“Have you been to court?”

“No.”

“But Victor was there only a few weeks ago…when all this happened.”

I start to feel like I’m being tangled up in this conversation. “I stayed home with Natalie.”

“With your brother?”

“Um, no. Another Guardian.

“Ah. It was pantomime anyway, you’re lucky.” He takes a drink and looks around at the others which means he doesn’t see how I’m looking at him.

There was something strange going on, or at least it felt that way. I’m most likely being paranoid but I start thinking I should excuse myself and get back before someone could find me gone. I would really hate to give Spiridon another reason to yell at me.

“Do you spend a lot of time at Court?” I ask, genuinely curious about the place. I try to picture him in the broacher’s pictures Ben gave me.

He turns back to me. “Only when I’m trying to earn brownie points. Otherwise, I try to stay out of things.”

“Brownie points?”

He smiles and looks down at his glass. “I have a habit of pissing my parents off.”

I consider that and then lean closer so I’m not overheard. “Is that why you’re here with your father? To earn brownie points?”

He looks back at me sheepishly. “When you put it like that I sound like an asshole.”

I couldn’t argue against that even though a part of me wants to make him feel better. “What did you do to annoy him? Your dad.”

He sighs and looks away. “Not a hell of a lot this time actually. Merely went to Greece and missed the enrolment date for college.”

“Oh…” I can’t think what to say and the tingling is starting to fade. What excuse could I give to leave?

Adrian suddenly touches my wrist and there’s an earnestness in his eyes that alarms me. “I’m glad you came. I know I’ve said it before but it’s nice having someone different to talk to. Not just this.” Between us he gives a subtle wave to the rest of the room.

“What’s ‘this’?” I ask quietly so no one overhears, although it’s in vain because someone’s turned on music. “They don’t seem so bad.”

Adrian takes a long drink. “Yeah but, this is your first impression of it. Astrid, a lot of people are like her…the same way of thinking. The same shallow conversations, the same people even though they don’t realise they’re the same. You’re not like them.”

No I wasn’t and I knew why but why did he. “What do you mean?”

He grins. “Well, you basically told Astrid she was a stuck up bitch and she nearly drowned you. So there’s that.” I don’t think that’s what I meant to tell her. “And you look at everything differently, like it’s all new. I get that it is but … I’m not articulating this well. I like you. That’s it.”

I feel myself smiling. Not just my face but deep inside. “You’re okay too.”

He laughs and around his eyes crinkle. “Making me work for it. That’s different.”

I sit up straighter. “You’re used to having everyone like you, aren’t you? And getting your own way, getting whatever you want really.”

His smile falters. “I wouldn’t say that.”

“I would. You’re Moroi. You come first.”

“Are we about to argue? I don’t waste patron so you don’t have to worry about another shower.”

My heart starts to beat faster. I’m saying things that I often felt angry about but I wasn’t angry now. This was just … speaking my mind and It’s great because Adrian doesn’t seem angry either, in fact, he’s relaxed. I couldn’t say these things to Lissa or Natalie because I think it would hurt their feelings but Adrian is different. I got the sense that he knew he was spoiled not matter how much he tried to joke.

“You said before you haven’t been around Dhampirs much, maybe you should change that. Be around people different to um, Andre.” And other spoiled Moroi kids. “Karl seems like a good guy, so does Joel and they get along.”

He squints at me. “Are you saying you want to be my Dhampir bestie?”

Could I be a friend to Adrian? Could we be when he was so obviously used to Moroi company and people accommodating to him. How long before he grew bored of that? Or he said something that made me snap at him. But then again, how long was I really going to be in his life for?

“I can be the best Dhampir you know, sure.” I tell him.

He chuckles. “I think you just might be.”

“You’re not the best Moroi I know though.” I say softly.

He doesn’t look offended, rather his expression turns thoughtful. “I don’t doubt that.”

“Hang on, am I the only Dhampir you know?”

“No. I met Goliath earlier.”

 I laugh and decide on a new topic. “Astrid’s element is water then?”

His head snaps toward me in mock surprise. “What give that away?”

I roll my eyes. “What’s yours? Your element.”

He looks away. “A little bit of everything.”

“All Moroi can control a bit of everything.”

“Yes but…” The air around me stirs and strands of hair tickle my cheek. I brush them away and then blink. In front of my face is a glistening bubble, the colour of cola. Past it Adrian is smirking and holding up his fingers. I look down at my cup which now has less in it. “I’m much better at everything.”

I touch it with the tip of my finger but it doesn’t burst. “Cool.”

He hums and then says, “Open up.”

Feeling ridiculous I open my mouth and the bubble moves forward, soon I’m cross eyed. Cola bursts on my tongue in a sparking fizz.

“Jack of all trades.” He murmurs.  

“You’re like Lissa.” I say, wiping a stray droplet from my knee. “She doesn’t just have one specialised either.”

He perks up. “Andre’s little sister?”

I nod. Adrian brings his knee up between us so he’s facing me. “And has she ever shown you anything… different? Anything impressive?”

“Um…” Lissa is amazing but I couldn’t think of anything like making soda float. “No, she hasn’t.” He looks disappointed and I feel the need to defend her. “She is impressive. She impresses me all the time. It’s like she knows what you’re thinking or feeling without having to say it. I feel like an open book around her which is strange because I make sure I’m never open.”

“Yes… I can see that.” He murmurs but he’s looking at me. He’s looking above me.  I self-consciously run a hand over my hair and he snaps out of it. “Has she ever told you… or said something about auras or anything?”

“What’s that?”

He glances around but nobody is paying us much attention. A few looks from people that might suggest we’re mentioned in their conversation but not enough to really bother me. “Aura’s are related to somebody’s essence. Essentially it’s who they are, like a symbol of their nature. Aura’s are coloured.”

“Okay…”                                                                  

She smiles delicately. “You have no idea what I’m talking about do you?”

“Not really, no. But tell me. How do you see these auras?”

He pauses and takes a drink. I try not to pout with impatience. “Aura’s aren’t immediately visual.” He says casually. “There just imaginary. It’s just what you imagine someone’s essence to be like. You hate someone? Their essence is the colour of puke.”

“Huh.” Well, that’s a let-down. “Why do you think Lissa would tell me something like that?”

He shrugs and takes another drink. It’s easy to read, it’s easy to tell he’s being too casual and trying to hide something. I almost feel like he’s somehow pulling away.

“What do you think mine is? If you say puke then I’m leaving.”

“I don’t know. You need to really have a grasp on people in order to say. It’s more about how well you know their personality, hypothetically speaking.”

“Oh come on, just by how well you know me now. What colours have I got?” He really doesn’t seem interested anymore. He reaches for the alcohol bottle with a shrug. “I think you’ve got purple in yours.”

“Oh?” He says as he pours. “Why?”

I have no idea. I’m playing your game. “Well… purples a royal colour and your Moroi.”

“How profound.” He says dryly, settling back against the couch with filled glass. I’d noticed that when other people poured their drinks they usually added soda but Adrian didn’t. He filled the glass full of alcohol. I wonder if I should be worried about how much he’s drunk.

“Let me finish. Your royal Moroi yes, but you like to have people’s attention and be listened to which shows a degree of royalty right? And you like your things, your expensive clothes and your shoes are very shiny. And then there’s your hair.”

“My hair?” He raises an eyebrow.

“You’re obsessed with it.”

“That’s because it’s flawless.”

I laugh and finally, he smiles too. “So, am I getting it right?”

He begrudgingly nods. “Is purple my only colour?”

I go through every colour I can think of and apply it to him. It’s hard though because I knew purple was associated with royalty because of books but I didn’t know what other colours actually meant or anything. I could only go with gut feeling. “Gold… and green.”

He cocks his head. “Why?”

I felt like I was being tested for something I knew nothing about. “I don’t want you to make a smart remark about this otherwise I won’t speak to you again but… gold because there’s something different about you. Something I can’t place… something special. I think it’s something you try to hide behind your jokes. I don’t know. And green? Well, you have nice eyes.”

Through my ramble he’d been absorbed but at the comment about his eyes, he cracks up. I think I’ve passed.

I drain the last of my soda as he takes a huge drink too. The music has gotten louder which means he has to lean in so I can hear him properly.

“Do you want to know yours?” He asks sounding serious.  

Something twists in my gut. “Okay.”

He looks at me intently and I try not to fidget. “A lot of blues, indigo’s and purples. All merged and swirling. They spike brighter in places. You have gold shimmers too but mostly silver laces but underneath it all…. Underneath it all is dark. Not quite black but dark. It’s where you’re hiding things.”

I’m frozen and there’s something in his eyes that tells me he’s not guessing the way I had. That he knows I’m hiding a lot.

“I need to leave.” I whisper.

He immediately takes my wrist. “Rose.” I shouldn’t look at him but I do and I get stuck there. I get stuck in the green and this weird sensation rushes through me, like I’d been here before but it was a different shade of green pulling me in. “Relax Rose, just forget what I said. About auras, the whole thing. Okay?”

“Okay.” I feel the anxiety leave me, drifting away with thoughts I no longer have. There’s just Adrian holding my wrist and the gold in his eyes seems to dance.

He looks pensive and then ashamed when he says, “Rose, why is Victor Dashkov really here?”

That’s silly. He knew why. “To pay his respects and make everyone feel like they have somebody who is trying to help.”

“You haven’t heard him talk about the age vote have you? About getting the headmaster on his side?”

“No.”

“Does he have any other motives for being here?” Adrian asks.

My mind had been playing memories of Victor’s speech and the things I’d heard about the attack. About the girl in the hall crying and how many lilies had decorated the halls. But at this question my mind fogs, like I was trying to see something through frosted glass, hear things underwater. “N-no.”

Adrian’s fingers press on my wrist and he leans in, the gold pulsing in the green. “Think harder.”

“I can’t …” Snippets of conversation, a name I can’t recall … blood… bodies… someone telling secrets. Dimitri’s handsome face pale with darker smudges under his eyes. And suddenly, I don’t want to see past the fog or hear what it clouds. “No.”

The green holds me for a beat longer and then Adrian’s voice comes through, “Close your eyes and when you open them forget I asked you about Victor, about auras, you’re having a nice time.”

My eyes close and I’m suspended in a silent place until noise slices through. I jump as someone laughs loudly and I look up to see Karl balancing on the back of the opposite couch as the blonde girl takes a photograph.

I turn to Adrian. “Sorry, what were we talking about?”

He’s rubbing his temple. “You told me my hair was fabulous and I was overcome by how true that is.”

“Wasn’t there something after that?” I try to think back but I can only remember joking with him about being friends.  I don’t feel like I’ve just been joking.

“You clarified my eyes are green, not the colour of the ocean in the Maldives like I’d been led to believe.”

I’m more confused than ever. When had I said that?  “Where’s the Maldives?”

“Not a bloody clue. South. Another soda?”

“Um, sure. Thank you.”

He gets up and almost staggers into the table but rights himself at the last moment. It’s now I consider how much alcohol he’s had. Looking around its clear most of the other students have drunk their fair share too. When we’d arrived the room had had a sombre undertone despite their best efforts to hide it but now, pop music was playing and there was laughter in the air. The sadness completely concealed.

“Here we are. One virgin long-island ice tea and one neat patron.” Adrian declares, having come back with the drinks. He steps around me and sits back down.

“Thank you.” I take my soda from him and raise it to my lips when the sight of him draining half his glass stops me.

 I look at everyone else and it makes feel like a spare part again. I’m about to say something to Adrian about it but he’s been pulled into a conversation with Joel and it’s not in English either. I sip my drink. Somehow I can feel my voice getting smaller in my throat and I feel a bit strange, like I’ve forgotten something. Maybe it’s just a sign I should be getting back. Surely their dinner would be over soon. Oh god, what if they knew I wasn’t in my room.

I tap Adrian’s shoulder. “I think I’m going to go now.”

“What? Why? I thought you were having a nice time.”

“I was but I don’t want my brother to check the room and find I’m not there.”

Adrian asks the room at large what the time is and someone answers him. “It’s still early. Stay a little longer and I’ll walk you back.”

A massive part of me wants to cave and concede but I dig my heels in and push against it. I couldn’t get into more trouble. I couldn’t. I shake my head. “You don’t have to walk me. I’ll find the way. Thank you for bringing me though.”

I move to stand but he takes my wrist and something in me makes me yank it back.

“Please Rose, please stay.” His green eyes are wide. “I don’t want to go back to my dad just yet.”

“So stay.”

He looks lost and I’m starting to get a bit concerned. “If I stay by myself I know I’ll know I’ll get out of control but if I go back now then I have to listen to him for a few more hours and I can’t stand that either. Please stay, just a little longer. Please. You’re not drinking so your brother can’t get that angry right? You’re just hanging out. ”

“I guess…” I sink back down onto the couch and the look on his face almost makes it worth it. Ben had told me I could make friends. But that was before Spiridon had yelled at me. Screw him. I hold up my finger. “One more hour. That’s it.”

“Yes mam.” He grins.

“Unless Astrid comes back and throws me out.” I mutter.

“Where did she go anyway?” Joel asks, having overheard when reaching for the alcohol bottle.

“Ah, she saw it fit to go and catch up on her beauty sleep.” Adrian says casually.

“Translation.” The blonde dhampir says, “She’s getting trashed in her room and will probably reappear for round two.”

Adrian turns to me. “We’ll be gone before that.”

“Otherwise I’m using you as a shield.”

“Don’t worry Rose.” Karl says and flexes his arm, “I’ll protect you.”

“Well that’s embarrassing.” Adrian says

Joel’s face screws up at Karl. “You just want a valid reason to hit her.”

Karl holds up his hands. “I’ve been waiting since kindergarten. Can’t let the opportunity pass me by now.”

The all laugh at that.

“How do you know Astrid?” I ask Adrian.

“I know Astrid because Astrid knows Andre.” He explains. “Didn’t end well. Can’t say it will get better if she ends up at Lehigh next year too.”

I don’t quite know how to pursue that topic without sounding naive or nosy so I let it go and spend the next thirty minutes listening to the rest of them. Some jokes I get and some I don’t but it’s nice enough just basking in the company. Somewhere along the way Joel gets upset and Karl has a quiet word with him. They go through two beers before they brighten up.

Unfortunately I lose track of how many Adrian has had.

“Do you think Victor is a good man?” He suddenly asks me. His eyes have turned a little glassy.

I hesitate and then I admit, “Yes.”

“Not just because he’s taken you in though, I mean, do you believe what he said today? In the hall.”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because he cares about protecting people.”

Adrian looks unconvinced.

“He loves Natalie more than anything in this world.” I tell him with reverence and with slight envy. “He wants to make sure she’ll be safe.”

“My dad’s backing Victor.” Joel says, holding up his bottle. “He thinks it’s about time we learned how to use our magic too.”

Adrian seems to sober a little. “What?”

Joel tries to pour himself a drink but most of it goes onto the table. “He met Victor at Court a few weeks ago and he said something to him about, oh shit pass me that napkin, about learning how to use magic how to fight. At this point I don’t see how it could hurt.”

“You couldn’t burn your way out of a paper bag.” Karl slurs and Joel aims a kick at him but he just loses his balance so a bit of his drink ends up spaying me.

“Oops. Sorry, Rose.” He passes me a bunch of napkins and I take them whilst trying to keep my mouth firmly shut.  Beer is in my hair and it’s sticky and gross. And it smells.

“Have you heard anything about that?” Adrian asks me as I try and deal with the situation. Urgh, I was going to have to shower when I got back.  Why did they drink this stuff?! “Rose? Have you heard –“

“No, Adrian!” Not only was my hair and hands now sticky but the tissue had flaked so there’s now red bits in my hair. Great. 

“And what does your daddy believe in then, Adrian?” Karl shoots across the table. “Why are you suddenly here?”

Adrian bristles and the atmosphere shifts so noticeable that I stop fussing with my hair.

Adrian shrugs. “We were just travelling back and thought we should stop.”

Karl makes a dull, sarcastic hum. “Convenient.” He looks between us and then suddenly sits up straighter. “Hang on… did you two only _just_ meet?”

“What’s that to you?” Adrian asks at the same time I answer ‘yes’.

Karl’s lip turns up in what would be a smile if he didn’t look so irritated. “So, Nathan Ivashkov’s son just happens to strike up a friendship with the weakest chink, I mean link, in the Victor Dashkov party. _Interesting_.”

“What are you talking about?” Joel asks.

“Come on, Rose.” Adrian stands and the suddenness must cause a head rush because he falters. I get up and take his elbow.

Karl points his finger between Adrian and I as a means of explanation. I’m about to ask him to elaborate when Adrian gives me a shove.

“Thank you for having me.” I manage to call around a very now eager to leave Adrian as he steers us toward the doors. Behind his shoulder I can see Joel’s expression snap into understanding as whatever Karl was saying.  They both stare after us.

“Yes, it’s been wonderful!” Adrian shouts, a little too loudly, before we stumble through the door.

“Are you okay?” I ask him when we’re in the hall.  He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath, muttering to himself. “Adrian?”

“I knew I’d do this. Knew it. I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay…” I’m not sure it is but then again I don’t know what else to say.  “Let’s just go. I think it’s been an hour anyway.”

He mutters something under his breath that I don’t quite hear and I can’t help it, I’m annoyed.  I have beer in my hair, Karl and Joel seem to know something I don’t, Adrian is drunk and I am probably going to find out if Spiridon uses his spiky hair as a torture device.

I start walking back through the hall, passing a girl and boy who are wrapped around each other in a way that’s both embarrassing and nauseating. And yet I end up looking back at them curiously only to really wish I hadn’t.

Your tongue belongs in your own mouth, not someone else’s.

“I hope that isn’t giving you any ideas Little Dhampir.” Adrian says in tone that I know is joking but I give him such a look that amusement dies on his face.

I walk faster.

Adrian keeps pace with me even though his steps aren’t always one after the other but rather a little altered to changing directions. Sometimes he’s on my left and then he’s on my right. It wasn’t helping calm me down.

It’s when we reach a corridor I recognise as leading to the stairs to my room that I realise that he’ll follow me the whole way back. I round on him and he walks right into me causing us both to crash into one of the double doors which is thankfully closed so we don’t end up falling through and hitting floor but it does mean I hit the door and Adrian hits me.

“Jesus wept.” He exclaims and I try to, first work out why my hands are on his waist and how to remove them and secondly what sweet smell was mixed with the cloves. He leans back with his hands braced on either side of my head. “Are you okay?”

I’m about to answer or shove him back, maybe both when he door next to us flies open.

It’s an odd sensation, feeling your face drop in horror.

“Do you know I can say with absolute honesty for the first time in my life, that this is not what it looks like.” Adrian very clearly explains for someone that couldn’t walk straight.

Dimitri, however, does not look one bit impressed with his explanation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!!! Thank for sticking around and being so patient!
> 
> I finish uni on the 19th of this month so more updates after that!
> 
> xx


	30. Chapter 30

There’s a pause in which Dimitri looks from Adrian to my hands on his waist. I shove Adrian back and he stumbles more than what should be necessary.

“We were just –“ I begin.

“I was just –“ Adrian starts.

“Dinner is over. Your father is upstairs in Victors suite Lord Ivashkov, I’m sure he’d be more than pleased for you to join him.” Dimitri speaks directly to Adrian and then holds up something I didn’t realise he’d been holding. “But perhaps you should but these back on first?”

“Ah, sure.” Adrian takes his sweater and jacket from him.

I know this is bad but Dimitri won’t look at me so I don’t know _how_ bad. Why couldn’t it have been Ben? Why couldn’t it have been Spiridon? At least if he’s yelling I know what he’s mad about even if I don’t one hundred-percent understand.

“That really wasn’t what it looked like.” Adrian says and I give him a look in which to say ‘shut up’ because I’m not even sure what it was that they both seem to think it looked like. Oh god, I was confused. Adrian doesn’t seem to get this though and decides to carry on. “I was just walking her back up.”

Dimitri steps into the corridor so the door shuts behind him with a thud. He towers over us and bears down on Adrian.

“I don’t doubt you because if I did then we would be having a very different conversation right now.” Dimitri says quietly and Alec being slammed into a wall plays in my mind.

Adrian is leaning backwards and I step out so I’m between them. “Adrian took me to meet some of his friends, he felt bad I was up there alone.” Dimitri is still not looking at me. “Can we go up now? I’m tired.”

“I think that would be best.” Adrian agrees. “Upstairs, where there are more people…witnesses and the like.”

Dimitri rolls his eyes which is astounding because that’s pretty close to showing some sort of emotion. He steps back to hold the door open. Now he looks at me. “After you.”

I scurry through the door.

“I’d suggest you do put those back on.” Dimitri says behind me. “It will make you seem more put together.”

I look back to see Adrian’s sheepish expression become indignant. He tosses his sweater over one shoulder. “Yano, I think I’m going to go back to my room. I’ll catch dad later. See ya, Rose.” And with that he saunters back down the hall without stumbling. How much effort is that costing him and why couldn’t he have put it in on the way here?

Dimitri turns back to me and I go stiff. He starts toward the stairs and silently I follow, trying to keep pace as we climb. I don’t know what to say and it’s driving me mad. We pass Victors room where I can hear men laughing and Victors muffled voice.  When we reach my room I reach into my back pocket for my key but Dimitri already has one in the door.  I didn’t know he had a key but I suppose how else would he have gotten Adrian’s clothes?

He steps back and motions me in. Well, it’s hardly like I’m going to run away is it? I cross my arms and stalk inside.

“You can wipe that look off your face.” He says from behind as the door closes.

What the hell? “What look?”

“The one that says your about to be stubborn and argumentative.”

“You’re the one that’s starting an argument.” I point out.

He crosses his arms and I’m suddenly reminded that I am actually in trouble here. He just stares and waits and I wonder how long this would go on for if I didn’t crack.

“Nobody told me I couldn’t leave.” I start. “And I wasn’t going to but Adrian really wanted me to go.”

“I didn’t tell you you couldn’t jump off the East wall but I’m sure you’ve enough sense to not do that.”

I let that sink in and then I throw up my hands. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t swear.”

I glare at him. “I can if I want to.”

“Don’t swear at me, please.” He says sounding infuriatingly calm.

I purse my lips. “Okay.”

Dimitri exhales and takes a seat on the couch. I stand firmly in my spot opposite, behind the other couch. “What I meant was, do you think sensible to go off on your own with a boy you just met and know nothing about? A boy I’d suggested has a reputation.” Oh great, throw logic and facts in my face like they’re the only factors. I’m about to defend my new friend, who I’m not actually happy with right now, when he continues with, “What if something had happened. What if he _really wanted_ you to do something else?”

“He wouldn’t. He didn’t. This wasn’t like, he’s nothing like Alec –“

Dimitri stands so suddenly I jump. “But how would you know that? How would I know that when I came in and found his clothes here? How would I know you weren’t somewhere being made to do something you don’t want to?”

It takes me a moment to find my words, surprised at his reaction. “Because it’s not the same. Adrian and Alec aren’t the same –“

“But how would you have known –“

“Because I’m not stupid! And I am sick of everyone treating me like I am.”

“I never meant to imply you were but Rose you have to –“

“No. No I don’t. I wasn’t told I had to stay in here so when my _friend_ asked me to hang out with him I did. You’re the one who should know better. Adrian’s not going to… to hurt me. He wouldn’t.”

Dimitri’s lips have become a very thin line. “I’m not talking about rape, Rose. I would never accuse him of that. There are other ways for him to be a bad influence.”

I roll my eyes. I start pulling my hair up into a bun and walking toward my bedroom. I didn’t want to fight anymore.

“We aren’t finished.” He says in a way that doesn’t leave me room to dispute. I turn back and raise my eyebrows. Dimitri’s dark eyes hold me in place. “I am only going to ask you this once and I’m warning you not to lie to me.” My stomach drops and I know I’m screwed. “Have you been drinking?”

I don’t have it in me to say any more than, “Yes.”

He sighs. “Right.”

He crosses to the kitchen area and my courage comes back now that I’m not pinned under his gaze. “Not like, a lot. I didn’t even mean to. I didn’t know what it was, it was a little bit. It was in a small thimble.”

“And who give it to you?” He asks flatly and it looks like he’s started to make himself a sandwich.

“Joel did but I wasn’t paying attention to what it actually was because they were all talking and –“

“And was Adrian there when you were being plied with alcohol.”

“Yes but –“

“But nothing.” He snaps. 

 I stand there awkwardly trying to figure out what I should say as he slices the sandwich in half and plates it. He comes toward me and holds it out and dumbly I take it.

“He didn’t make me drink it.” I say lamely and try to ignore the fact that Adrian did give me his drink when my throat was on fire. But that didn’t count he thought he was helping.

“I don’t care.” Dimitri responds flatly. “He should know better and I’m sure he did. I’m sure he knew you weren’t familiar with anything happening seeing you’ve been home-schooled for years.” There’s no arguing against that and he knows it. “Sit down and eat that.”

I go to the couch and watch him suspiciously as he follows. “Why have you made me a sandwich if I’m in trouble?” I didn’t see him put anything bad in there or spit in it.

“It’ll soak up whatever you’ve drank ad any excuse to get you to eat more isn’t a bad thing.”

I really have the urge to hold up my middle finger again but I somehow think he wouldn’t find that as funny as Spiridon did. I’m sick of being told how small I am. What had Adrian called me? A rake.

“You’re chewing rather angrily.”

I glare at him and swallow. “I’m sorry, how do I chew happily?”

The barest hint of a smile touches his lips. I look away because I wasn’t finished being annoyed even though I’m not entirely sure I’m allowed to be. We sit in silence, me chewing angrily and him looking thoughtfully into space.

When I’ve finished the first half I decide to ask, “Am I in trouble?”

He comes back to reality. “That depends. Do you intend to sneak off without leaving a note or telling anyone and engage in underage-drinking?”

He is so annoying. “No.”

“Then no, you’re not.”

Well that’s a relief. I start munching on the other half.

“So, did you have a nice time?”

“What?”

His expression has warmed to being possibly described as mild so I don’t think he’s being sarcastic. “At the party? I assume it was a dorm party.”

How would you know? “It was okay. I, uh, got into a bit of an argument with a girl.”

“Oh?” Now he is smiling.

“Yeah, they were talking about the attack here and she was saying that Dhampirs should have done their job and it was basically their fault. She made Karl, that’s a boy Dhampir boy who was there, feel guilty for not fighting.”

“That’s not right.” He murmurs looking troubled.

“No, so I told her maybe she didn’t deserve to have a Guardian and that’s when it went…wrong.”

 “Wrong?” He prods.

“Yeah, she made my drink explode.” He laughs and the noise surprises me, it always does because he so rarely did. I take the opportunity to gain Adrian some points. “But Adrian made her calm down and leave. I also think Karl blocked her from getting to me but I’m not sure.”

“Dispute the circumstances I’m glad you had a nice time.”

I think about it. “I did. I’m glad I went and I’m sorry I didn’t tell anyone.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“Is Victor angry?”

“He doesn’t know and I think we should keep it that way.”

Fine by me.

“What did you and Adrian talk about?” He asks as I polish of the last bite. He makes good sandwiches.

I shrug and reach for the water bottle he’s imposed on me too. “A lot of things.” The look on his face conveys there’s more to this than just general curiosity. “Why?”

“You know how important it is that you keep your cover.”

Of course that was why he was asking. For an insane moment, a quarter of a moment really, I thought he might be a little bit jealous because today I’d made a new friend, someone who brought out a part of me I didn’t know existed.  I thought he’d maybe have been jealous, just a little bit, like I was when I’d hear him on the phone talking to someone, someone who brought out a side to him that he didn’t show around everyone else.

Why is it that different parts of us only shine for different people?  Isn’t there someone we can be wholly ourselves with? Someone to know all our secrets and stay with us in spite of them?

“We didn’t talk about Victor although Astrid did ask me because she saw me with him. I told her Ben’s my brother. That’s it.  They didn’t really want to talk about important things because it was just upsetting them. Especially not after Astrid and I, er, argued.”

Dimitri’s keen eyes suddenly dim as a shadow passes over his face. “Well, I can’t really blame them for that.”

“What… what happened here Dimitri? I know there was an attack but – how?”

He leans back against the cushions and immediately his posture goes slack. The lids over his dark eyes weigh down and it’s clear he’s more exhausted than anybody realises. “It was close to morning, about two hours out so mostly everyone asleep with exception of the patrols. The timing was too precise. They would have had to have had this carefully planned. We guess now that they might have a place hallowed out in a mountain side, the mountains facing the East Wall. It would give them a vantage point. But they haven’t been able to spare the resources to go and look. That morning the wards at the West started acting strange and when attention was paid they found two Strigoi stalking the boundary. They thought they were fledglings drawn by the smell of Moroi blood, the need for it overriding any common sense they had to know better about the Ward defences. But they were a distraction because then the Wards around the East side went down and the rest of the Strigoi scaled the wall.”  His voice held the atmosphere that had been inside the church. He was always such a fortress, keeping everything inside, every emotion, but right now the door was slightly open and I was getting to glimpse inside. I knew he carried pain. I knew his family was hurting him but I wasn’t sure how much. I knew he cared about what had happened here but I didn’t know he _felt_ because of it. He felt pain.

“Karl and a Dhampir girl were talking about a Guardian called Tanner. They said he’s the reason it wasn’t a lot worse.”

Dimitri nods. “Tanner was the Head Guardian here, the Captain as we call it in the states.  He seemed to realise it was a diversion before the Strigoi breached and got word into the dormitories so kids could get into the panic rooms or barricade themselves in. He saved lives.”

“He died didn’t he?”

Dimitri finds my gaze. “I hope so. The last witness account is that he was overpowered and dragged away.”

I trace the pattern on the cushion. “You’re going to look for them, aren’t you?”

He takes a long steadying breath. “Yes.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t. Something could happen to you all.”

A grim smile touches his lips. “I think that’s part of the appeal. Revenge is very seductive. It’s down to Victor, it’s his call.”

I tuck my knees up and turn toward him. “But they can’t be alive? And you three can’t go in and kill so many Strigoi. I mean your good but you’re not that good.”

“No we’re not.”

“And they can’t be alive can they?”

“No, they’re not.” He says quietly.

“So what’s the point?”

He’s quiet for a few moments but finally says, “We don’t think the nest is active anymore so we’re betting the threat is minimal.” I’m about to argue they should stay here when he asks, “Karl, you said his name was, was he close to Tanner?”

“Um, I’m not sure. He sounded like he really admired him. Why?”

“A lot of Dhampir children don’t have close parental ties and usually bond to their mentors. I was just wondering if Karl lost more than a role model.”

I want to ask about his parental ties and Galina but something tells me not to. “He didn’t talk about him that much, only when Adrian asked about a cult and they started talking about a kid who ran away but Tanner brought him back.”

Dimitri sits up and the door closes. “Explain that part to me, in detail.”

The abrupt change causes me to hesitate but thenI explain it as best I can remember which is almost word for word. Dimitri’s face smooths out as he listens, becoming that calm unreadable mask which he wears so well. When I finish he stands and begins to pace.

“Adrian specifically asked about a cult? Did he give it a name?” I shake my head. “Did he ask any other questions around the same topic? About The Circle or Zmey?” It’s like a light being shone on part of my memory and all the pieces I’ve overhead start flickering in the dark.

“No, he didn’t ask anything else. We had a nice time.”

Dimitri stops pacing and looks at me. Instantly I go taut. “Rose, did Adrian ask you anything about any of these topics? You directly”

“No.”

“Did he ask you anything about Victor or his business?”

“No. He only asked me about going to school. Why?”

“I think its best you avoid him from now on.”

“What? why?”

“Because he’s asking questions that are far too close to us. That cannot be coincidence, not with his family background.” He reads the look on my face and elaborates. “Nathan Ivashkov and Victor have opposing views on the Coalition. We don’t think its coincidence that they just happened to turn up here at the same time we did. Nathan wants to keep tabs on what Victors doing and... one of the best resources to tap can be the one most underestimated.”

The way he’s looking at me, what he’s saying, it’s all ushering me down the road to understanding but I’m dragging my heels because I know I won’t like what it means. “You think – you think Adrian will ask me questions about Victor?”

“Yes.”

“Then I won’t answer them.”

“You might give something away by accident. Its only one more day. I think its best you avoid him.” He seems satisfied with himself, like giving me an order to stop a potential problem gives him some means of control. I’m sorry I’ll be taking it away from him. “I’ve got to go back –

“No.”

The space between his eyebrows creases. “No, what?”

I clasp my hands together but I don’t look away from him. “I’m not going to stay away from Adrian. I like him. We’re friends.” And I like having those.

“Rose, the risk – “

“I won’t tell him anything.”

“You’re not listening to me. Stay away from him.”

The fire fills up my core. “No.”

Dimitri’s eyes narrow. “This isn’t up for discussion. I know you’re smarter than this. Act as so.”

Now I’m on my feet. “Why are you so sure he’d ask me about Victor? Can’t he just want to be my friend?”

There’s no badness in his face, no spite in his tone when he says, “It’s not exactly realistic is it?”

“What do you mean?”

“He’s an Elitist child who gets whatever he wants, whoever he wants and he expects the best of everything. It’s highly unlikely that you offer anything to him bar information and it won’t even be for his benefit. It will be for his father.”

There’s a stinging in my eyes and I would rather die than let it take over. I hold onto the fire that is slowly dying in my gut. “He’s tired of all that, he told me. He doesn’t even seem to like his dad because he’s forcing him to go to College.”

Dimitri looks close to pitying me and it makes my hands shake. “It made you feel sympathetic toward him didn’t it? He said something like, ‘It’s great to have someone different understand. You are unlike anyone else’.” Yes, yes that’s exactly what he’d told me. The fire retreats and extinguishes into the darkness. His voice is gentle, “Rose –“

I turn to the fireplace before a fat tear runs down my cheek.  “Get out.”

I hear him move across the room and the door open. “Boys like him Rose, they don’t know any better but now you do and that makes you worth ten times more.”

The door closes with a quiet click.

I spin around and grab the plate from the table. It’s almost enough when it explodes against the door, almost.  I hate that I’m crying. I hate that he might be right, that something _in_ me thinks that he is. But is it such an impossibility to hope that he isn’t?

He said himself he didn’t associate with Dhampirs. He said he wasn’t taught the same things in his school like Andre or Lissa or Natalie. He saw me as a resource just like how every Moroi saw Dhampirs.  The anger dries inside me like a new coat of armour.  I walk to the bathroom shaking my head at my own nativity. I knew better than this. Weeks ago I wouldn’t have been so easily toyed with.

I splash my face with cold water and then face the girl in the mirror. This is what people saw, this is what made first impressions and created how people treated me. A skinny Dhampir girl, no longer sick or sallow but still hidden beneath an oversized sweater which made her seem smaller. And I hated to admit it but the hair did not help. Thick and long, hanging in one wavy curtain with dry broken ends. Hair that is used to hide behind, hair that gave the impression I was a child who didn’t know how to be older, how to style it or make it look pretty. Natalie and Lissa changed their hair to match their mood. Lissa pulled hers up when she concentrated and she wore it down when she was being sweet. Natalie wore hers in a ballerina bun when she was in a beauty routine and in a high pony tail when she ‘meant business’.

I was sick of being seen as someone to mould and manipulate to suit others.

I was sick of being naive and afraid.

I was sick of being that girl from the desert.

I stalk back to the kitchen and rummage through the drawers until I find what I need. Adrian thought I looked younger and if he did take advantage of me I bet it made it easier. Astrid belittled me because of my appearance and used it against me. Spiridon teased me like he would a child. Ben comforted me and treated me like one too. Dimitri censored what he told me because he didn’t think I could handle it.

I get back to the bathroom, grabbing a hair brush as I go and start yanking through the strands. When I’m done it hangs heavily and lifeless in a curtain around me, going right down to my over hips. The first step to not being treated like a child is to stop looking like one. I pull both sides over my shoulders and grab a fistful just under my collarbone. Dhampirs wore their hair short. I take the scissors to the scissors to the thick rope in my hand.

But I can’t do it.

I meet my gaze in the mirror. “Come on. Don’t be a coward.”

A few seconds pass where it’s just me holding the scissors and daring myself to do it but I just… I can’t. I drop the hand holding the scissors and take some deep breaths hoping I’ll - what was it Spiridon liked to say? - grow a pair.  The problem is I like my hair. I like it long. I like long hair. I liked Serena’s and Georgina’s but Dhampirs wore it short. No… Guardian’s wore it short. I was not Guardian but I wasn’t a child either…

I lift the scissors up again but this time I take them to where my hair falls against the dip of my waist. I spare one last wistful look at the length between the metal mouth and the broken ends at the base of my hip before I start to cut.

///

_“Eddie don’t.”  He doesn’t hear me because I’m too far away so I start to run. He was supposed to come back. He told me he was coming back._

_The orchard is never ending but I can see him and the Guardian by the storage bay. I can see the Guardian’s cruel eyes alight which only means pain is promised. Pain was their favourite game and out here we were pawns on the playground. But they enjoyed it more when a pawn thought they could win, that they could play too and not just be a toy. Eddie thought he could play._

_I see Eddie’s slender frame go rigid, his shoulder set, feet apart and he’s tall as the Guardian, a warped image of one. I run harder but the orchard isn’t ending. I’m not getting any closer. The Guardian’s lips split in half and his teeth glint, welcoming the game. In his hand he holds the prize and he displays it to Eddie, taunting him._

_I know Eddie doesn’t see the Guardian’s face because if he did he’d know there was no way on this earth he could win even if got the prize from the Guardian’s hand. And maybe then he’d realise that it wasn’t worth his life and that there isn’t anything worth trading your life for. But Eddie doesn’t see because he’s looking at the prize._

_I scream as Eddie throws out his fist._

_I know what’s coming next and I can’t stop it. I can’t get there in time. His name is in my chest, expanding out, trying to bring him back, trying to make him stop and it travels up my throat to try again – the orchard trembles. The trees start to disappear, falling a part in flakes that get caught in the wind but there isn’t any wind.  I’ve stopped running._

_Everything begins to shake in a silent earthquake and then blurs._

_New colours and shapes begin to form and the temperature becomes cooler, pleasant. And then the world around me sharpens into focus._

_The sound of running water fills the air and it takes me a moment to recognise where I am. The courtyard of the school, the one we’d passed when arriving and I wished I could sit in instead of being in the shade of the aligning stone walkway. The sun was bright now and anything is possible in a dream._

_I step out into the sunshine leaving all the bad memories in the shade. I go to the fountain and dip my fingers into the cool water. It’s strange somehow, like in dreams everything has blurriness to it, a barrier or at least that’s how you remember it. Now, everything is clear to me and I can think properly. I feel like I have control. But perhaps you always feel that way in a dream and where I had been before had been a nightmare._

_“I had a feeling you’d like it out here.”_

_I turn and find Adrian watching me. He leans against the archway of the ingress between the courtyard and the walkway, just where I had been._

_I frown. Why was I dreaming about Adrian?  “Why?”_

_He shrugs and steps out onto the grass coming toward me. “A hunch. Dhampir’s aren’t allergic to the sun like us weaker beings.”_

_I thought he was strolling toward me with an exaggerated swagger but something about his movements make me think he’s drunk. Just like he had been when I’d last seen him which just serves to remind me I’m annoyed with him.  I make a humming noise and sit down at the fountains edge, turning my face up to the sun._

_“In Greece the evenings are warm like this. We could be in Greece if you want? Sipping cocktails and looking out at the ocean.” I don’t want to be dreaming about Adrian and I will him to go away. Strangely, I feel myself pushing against something but it pushes back. “Now that’s not nice.”_

_I turn to where he’s sat down beside me, a bemused look on his face. This is strange, so very strange, he was clear like he really were sitting right in front of me, all his features down to the green of his eyes accurate. I could even smell cloves._

_Was this real? Had I slept walked outside? But Adrian is in the sun…and he seems to be enjoying it._

_“What is this?” I say looking around for a Guardian or somebody else but it’s quiet aside for the water. I look up at the sky and my breath catches in my throat. It’s not just one blue but a range blues, moving through each other like water._

_“Don’t panic.” Adrian says and reaches for me as I try to stand. His touch is real. I know it, not like in dreams where you know things more in your head. I could feel him. “It’s okay, your safe.”_

_I pull my wrist away. “What is this? Where are we?”_

_“This is a dream Rose. This is your dream, sort of.”_

_“Sort of?” The sky was making me panic. I couldn’t help but think of Blue Planet and imagining the ocean-like sky crashing down and drowning us._

_“You’re still asleep. Still in your room and in your head only I’m there too.”_

_I look into his face trying to find a tell or a trace of untruth but there isn’t one. “How is that possible?” My mother had never told me about this. I hadn’t ever read about Moroi having this ability, to be in our minds. I knew they could compel but this…_

_Adrian grins but there’s sadness to it. “Magic, Llittle Dhampir.”_

_Cautiously I sit back down staring fixedly at him as he reaches into his jacket and pulls out a cigarette. “What magic? There isn’t magic like this.”_

_Adrian shrugs. “If there is higher force, like our good church likes to believe, he is yet to share with me the whys to it. Sometimes I think I’ve been cursed.” He lets out a bitter laugh and then put the cigarette between his lips._

_This is a dream. It had to be. A normal dream happening in my head and it wasn’t like my mind had been making me think weird things lately. I pray that Dimitri doesn’t appear without his shirt or something else ridiculous. If this is a normal dream, which it is, then I should just go with it._

_“Cursed? To what…wander into dreams?”_

_He exhales a cloud of smoke that shapes itself into a bird. “No, this part is actually a perk of it. I think, in the grand scheme of things.”_

_“Adrian.” I try to do my best impression of Victor’s serious voice. “Explain to me what you’re talking about, properly.”_

_“If I do then you might see fit to tell someone else to spite me for the real reason I’m here.”_

_“Will you stop speaking in goddamn riddles?”_

_His eyebrows shoot up which is kinda funny considering his lips are pursed around his cigarette. “Little Dhampir, the claws are coming out again.” He must see the irritation spark on my face because he carries on. “I’ve come to you in your dream for two reasons. A) I didn’t want to run into Goliath again, sorry about that, I hope he didn’t I’ve you ay grief and 2) I am a coward.” He looks at me. “Why do you think Astrid left so quietly? Or didn’t come back.”_

_“Um, because she had something better to do?”_

_“No, what she did was go to her room and go to bed. What would make her do that?”_

_It clicks. The dazed look on Astrid’s face, her easy compliance and the way everyone assumed she’d come back. And how could Adrian know she’s gone to sleep when he hadn’t followed her?_

_“You compelled her.” He smiles grimly and I lean away from him. How could I wake up? “Why?”_

_“Because she wanted to rip your head off. “He says simply. “And I didn’t want any drama, not tonight anyway, that and your brother probably like that you have all your teeth. I know I do.”_

_“If this is a dream why are you drunk?”_

_He snorts. “Rose, I’m always drunk.”_

_“Why?”_

_He shrugs. “To cope.”_

_I don’t have anything to say to something so sad. “Um, so you came to tell me you compelled Astrid. I guess… that’s okay. I mean, I’m not going to tell anyone you did. I’m grateful and it’s not like it hurt her right?”_

_“No, Rose.” He says sadly. “That’s not what I came to tell you. I came to tell you sorry … for compelling you.”_

_There’s a silence in which he manages to look up from the ground and at me. There was shame that couldn’t be faked on his face. “You did what?”_

_“I’m sorry, it was wrong.”_

_The rage ignites quickly, no small flicker just an engulfing fire. “When? Why? What did you make me do?” I’m shaking. Is it possible to be sick in a dream? He holds up his hands in a vain effort to placate me. The courtyard is no longer bright but dim, like the clouds have rolled over the sun. I don’t look up._

_“I just asked you things, told you things. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.”_

_I could spit fire I’m so mad. Maybe I could, this was my dream after all. Adrian suddenly stands to as if he knew what I’m thinking. He looks alarmed enough for it to be true. “What did you make me forget? How dare you. How dare you!”_

_“You didn’t tell me anything that could get you in trouble or anything secret. I swear. Otherwise my dad would probably be a lot happier with me right now… or yano, civil to my existence.” He says bitterly. “I didn’t want to do it but he pushed and – I’m sorry. Truly.”_

_“Is this – Is this what Karl meant? I’m the weakest part of Victor’s party so …” Disappointment crashes down on me. “That’s why you were nice to me. That’s why you came to get me, isn’t it?” He can’t hold my graze anymore. “What the hell did you make me tell you?”_

_I advance toward him with no idea to what I’ll do but he stumbles back, hands up again. “You didn’t tell me anything. You didn’t know anything.” I’d been raking my brain trying to remember things I could have said but all I can think about is Dimitri and his concern about something… something at the edges of my memory evading me. “Why should I believe you?”_

_“Why else would I tell you?” I turn away from him and walk back to the fountain, running a hand through my hair. It was loose and still very long. It isn’t like this anymore. “Rose, I’m sorry.”_

_“I don’t forgive you.”_

_“I understand.”_

_I turn back to him and he looks even sadder but my hearts hardened over, no sympathy can leak out. “What did you tell me that you made me forget?”_

_“That I won’t tell you. I think it’s enough that you know I can do this….and you know I can compel as effectively as I can.” Effectively? I was going to punch him. I could punch him here. “And I’ve said my peace. I’m sorry.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Why what?”_

_I throw up my hands. “Why did you tell me? Why are you sorry?” Apart of me wished he hadn’t because then Dimitri wouldn’t have been right and I wouldn’t feel like this._

_He looks confused. “Don’t you think I should be?”_

_“I think if you really didn’t want to do it you wouldn’t have.” I snap at him, at the spoiled Moroi brat who could take advantage because it’s right._

_His shoulders drop and I see him clearly. Despite all the swagger and confident talk Adrian is weak. “What did you mean about your dad? Did he ask you to compel me?” His face stills and I know I’ve pulled at the right thread. “What did he want to know?”_

_His shoulders deflate and he sits back down. He lights another cigarette having dropped the last. I resist the urge to pick it up. How did dream trash work? Had he just littered in my head?_

_Adrian is muttering to himself._

_“What?”_

_“I‘m damned now anyway.” He repeats loudly and I roll my eyes. “He…he wanted to know why Victor was here and was it because of the age vote.”_

_“I don’t know what that is.”_

_He gives me a dry look. “I know.”  My fists quake at my sides and he makes an apologetic gesture by waving his hands and scrunching up his face. He rests his elbows on his knees and suddenly I see him as a boy near my age and not just an older Moroi male. “It was proposed at Court a few weeks ago after everything happened here that Dhampirs should graduate a year or two earlier. Make them Guardian’s at sixteen.”_

_My face drops. “That’s –“_

_“Ridiculous? Barbaric? Suicidal? Yeah, I agree.”_

_I try to get my brain to work, which is odd to think about seeing we’re in it, and sit back down. “Victor…Victor wants that?” As I say it I know I don’t believe it. He would never want someone younger than Natalie fighting or guarding Natalie. The way he’d reacted to me at the Ozera’s, the way they all had, strengthened my resolve. That and Adrian snorts._

_“No, not Victor.”_

_It takes a moment. “Your dad?”_

_Adrian looks grim. “Yup.” He inhales heavily. “He thinks Victors here to get Levandi on side, which he probably should and if I’m honest I think he will be. You saw him, he’s a mess because of what happened, wracked with guilt. I doubt he’ll condone sending kids out to the slaughter.”_

_Levandi didn’t look like he’d slept properly in a while but I wouldn’t describe him as Adrian had. “Is that why you’re both here? To get the Headmaster to support you?” Adrian doesn’t say anything. “You weren’t travelling back from anywhere were you?”_

_He shakes his head and exhales a large cloud of smoke. “Daddy Dearest was bringing me back from Greece in order to go to school. He got wind that Victor was coming here and Dragomir was going to Court in his place. We made an altered route.”_

_The fire is dying down. Adrian had told me so many lies. Not just to me but to everyone but because his father told him too or so he said. If my mother told me to do something I wouldn’t have argued…well, then I wouldn’t have but now? I didn’t feel so weak now. I glance at Adrian with his hunched shoulders that looked like they held the weight of the world and at his solemn face. I didn’t think he was lying now but then again what did I know?_

_I just wanted to have a friend and somehow I had been dragged into bigger things. Moroi things._

_“Thank you.” I murmur and he looks up in surprise. “For telling me.”_

_“You’re thanking me for admitting I lied and compelled you?”_

_“And just strolled right into my brain uninvited. No, I’m thanking you for telling me the truth.”_

_He stares at me. “Well that’s a first. Usually, when I tell the truth it goes a lot differently.”_

_“You’re being vague again.”_

_He takes one last long draw from his cigarette. The smoke twirls and rolls within its cloud. “I told you before things are decided for me. Nobody cares what I have to say, just comply, behave, stop being a disappointment etc.”_

_That’s when I realise. Adrian is lonely._

_“I don’t forgive you.” I tell him gently. “But I accept your apology.”_

_“Well.” He says straightening up and smiling meekly. “That’s as much as I could have hoped for.”_

_“Why did you tell me?” It would have been so much easier to keep lying._

_His tongue runs over his bottom lip. “I… would it sound too lame to say because it was the right thing to do? Yeah, totally lame. I didn’t lie when I said I liked you Rose, that I was your friend. Yeah I’ve been pretty shit so far but it can only go up from here.” His try for humour falls flat and he becomes serious. “I asked you if you thought Victor was a good man and you said yes. I do too. I don’t want what my family wants.”_

_“You know I’m going to tell Victor this?”_

_He doesn’t look like he’d considered that at all. “Uh, right well, yeah. That makes sense.”_

_I feel the smallest puddle of sympathy. “I’ll tell him that you told me the truth when you didn’t have to. He’ll appreciate that.”_

_“Maybe.” He mutters. He runs a hand through his hair making it even more dishevelled. How did mess suit him and mine was just a mess? “My dad won’t.”_

_“He might not find out.” I say feebly._

_Adrian doesn’t look convinced and then he turns to me in alarm causing me to jump. “How are you going to tell him that I told you?”_

_It takes me a moment to grasp what he means. “I’ll say you came to the room.”_

_“Oh Jesus, your brother and Goliath will be thrilled about that. Won’t they be watching it? They might know that’s a lie. There are Guardian’s everywhere. They would have seen me despite my super stealth skills.” I roll my eyes. “Say…say I called you?”_

_“I don’t have your number.” I recall what Ben had told me about his special network and how it was different to others. He designed it so couldn’t he be able to see everything in it? I wasn’t sure how it worked but I knew Ben would know it were a lie. “They’ll know you didn’t.”_

_“So I’ll give you mine? Just put it in your phone and text me then I’ll call and hang up.”_

_“Ben’s a genius with these things. He’d know, believe me.”_

_“Then what?”_

_“I’ll say I met you? They’ll be more interested in the truth anyway.”_

_“So we’re lying about how you got the truth about lies? Seems ethical.”_

_“Shut up.”_

_He grins, a real one. I stand up with the intention of leaving but…. How did I do that? How did I leave me own head or wake up or … how the hell did this work?_

_“Rose.” He says quietly and I look down at him. “Can you not tell anyone about this? Please? I know I have no right to ask you but please. They won’t understand.”_

_There’s vulnerability in his face, he tries to hide it but I can see it. Could he compel me in dreams? If he could he was choosing not to. He was choosing to trust me. “I won’t tell anyone. Besides, do you really think they’d believe me?”_

_He smiles and stands up. The sky behind his bronze hair is a pale pink, almost white. “Stranger things have happened.”_

_I smile back at him when my earlier issue returns. “Adrian, how do I get out?”_

_Gently he places his hands on my shoulders and I try not to tense but it’s in vain. He leans in and his breath tickles my forehead. “Wake up Little Dhampir, wake up.”_

_There’s a warm breeze and the courtyard melts away._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey little one’s J  Thank you always for your patience! I get my uni results in the morning so I don’t have the concentration to finish this chapter so I’ve split it. Also I’m buying a new laptop soon which will help with updates…working key boards generally do.
> 
> xxx


	31. The calm before the storm

I wake with a jolt and the darkness confuses my already dazed brain. It had seemed so real to be out in the courtyard, in the bright sun with Adrian. Adrian...

I sit up and rub the sleep from my eyes. Adrian had – was that real? Could that have been real? It had been real. I know it in my bones despite how unrealistic it is. I just do. Adrian had been in my head, he'd gotten into my dreams … had he seen what I'd been dreaming about before? I didn't remember it all too clearly but I knew it was about Eddie. I still have the left over sick feeling in my stomach that I always get when I dream about that day. No – I don't want to think about that right now. I never want to remember that day.

I get out of the massive bed and flick on the light. There couldn't be much point in getting dressed could there? I check the time on my phone and it tells me it's a little after dawn. Would they even be awake? Maybe I should wait. No – no, I couldn't wait. The itch to tell Victor is under my skin, brushing against my neck like a needle point. My hand closes around the door handle but… I can't remember walking across the room. But I have to go tell him, I have to wake him if needs be even though he might get angry. Oh god, maybe I shouldn't but I have to.

I'm already in the hall before I remember my bandages are back in my own bathroom.

"Yo! Where do you think you're slinking off to?" Spiridon calls, strolling up the hall. He must have just come up the stairs and he's not in his Guardian attire but blue jeans and a grey t-shirt.

"I need to speak to Victor."

"Likely story." I roll my eyes and I would have stormed into the room only I didn't have a key. "Excuse me." Spiridon shoulders me out of the way and I hear the beep from the door. He strides inside leaving me out in the hall with the door swinging shut in his wake. I slip inside before it can shut, the need to tell Victor everything pushing me forward like wind against my back so I bypass any doubt or insecurity about the situation.

They're all awake and in the living area which isn't really surprising. Victor's reclined on the deep couch with his head resting back and his heavy eyes following Spiridon across the room as he tells him there was nothing 'substantial' to report. Dimitri is sipping coffee and Ben has his laptop balanced on his knees. Ben grins at me briefly but the clicking of his keys doesn't break. Dimitri raises an eyebrow at me and I shake my head.

Victor's rooms not bigger than mine but it is more expensively embellished with a gleam to everything. I wonder was anyone in the suites when the attack happened? The rooms didn't bear any hint of it but now… now I can't help but imagine raked lines in the wood beneath the expensive rugs.

"You're still awake, Rose." I look away from the rug beneath Victor's shiny shoes and into his face. He was smiling, warm, happy to see me despite the shadows beneath his eyes. I'd completely missed what he and Spiridon had been talking about.

"Caught her creeping down the hallway." Spiridon says, snatching up an apple from the fruit bowl.

"I was not creeping."

"You're right. Creeping is far too graceful when describing what you were doing."

I stab my finger at him. "I'm ignoring you."

He kisses the air and I make a revolted noise and turn to the others. Before anyone can interrupt or Spiridon can make some ridiculous comment to side-track me, I tell Victor everything. I tell him what Adrian told me, skipping the part about how exactly he told me, and making sure to never make eye contact with Dimitri as I do. I was basically confirming everything he'd suspected about Adrian's interest in me and I couldn't exactly wrap this up by starting to defend the part where Adrian had said he'd wanted to be friends.

When I finish I draw a long breath and it's then I notice that Ben's stopped typing and Spiridon's loud munching isn't irritating the air. It's quiet.

Victor's slid forward to the edge of his seat with questions poised on his lips. "When exactly did Adrian try and pry this information from you?"

Oh crap. "Um – earlier tonight he came to my room and asked me to come to a party."

" _You_ were at the party?" Spiridon's voice is full of sheer disbelief. I throw a dirty look at him in response.

"And he came to your room again?"

I make myself look at Dimitri. He'd asked the question levelly, quietly and to everyone else it would be just a simple question but I'd spent so much time trying to read him. Maybe Ben and Spiridon would notice how his fingers had partially curled, that there was slight tick in his jaw but neither would see the ultimate tell which is in his eyes. There isn't tension around them, no lines to give him away but inside them is where the truth is. He is very, no doubt about it, pissed.

I'm going to have to warn Adrian somehow.

"He didn't pass me." Spiridon says.

"It was a little while ago." I evade and look directly at Victor. "He didn't have to tell me but he did. He did the right thing."

"And what motivated him to do that I wonder." Victor murmurs to himself and then he stands. "You did well coming to tell me Rose."

Yes, I knew it had been the right thing to do. Just like how I knew the sky was blue and grass is green. I just wasn't sure how I knew…but it didn't matter. I'd done well and that makes me smile.

"And I didn't tell him a thing about … anything."

"Funny that." I hear Spiridon mutter.

"No, you couldn't have done." Victor says but again to himself. "I'm sure of it."

"It's not really that surprising that Nathan's tried to make this play." Dimitri says and I avoid looking at him because even though he had been right about Adrian it didn't mean I had to acknowledge it. "But I can't see him behind making Adrian confess to it."

"Trapdoor?" Ben says. "Gain her trust and also make her curious. Hope that it makes her try to snoop into things and the only person able to shed light is him?"

"Not that that could happen anyway." Spiridon says, taking a bottle of water from the fridge.

"Because I wouldn't tell."

"Of course not." He says sweetly. I stare at him trying to work out the double meaning behind his words of if he's trying to make me paranoid. His face gets more irritating the longer I look at it.

Dimitri sits forward, his fingers threading together between his knees. "Say Adrian is telling the truth it could mean a rift between him and Nathan. We could dig into it, use it."

"Possibly." Victor murmurs still pacing. "What I'm more concerned about is who he might have watching me."

"It could be circumstance." Ben says. "If they were coming back from Greece they could have gotten word when waiting on a connecting flight. As soon as we arrived it would have been all over the Guardian network and back at Court within minutes."

"Possibly."

"Most probable in my opinion." Spiridon says.

"Although he did enquire about a 'vigilante group'." Dimitri says.

"Yeah but so did Nathan and Levandi told him it was 'nonsense'." Spiridon replies. "Tanner had reported to him that a student or two were spreading rumours and he had dealt with it. Nathan got no further than Adrian did."

"And I'm fairly certain he's satisfied with that." Victor says coming to a standstill. "Nathan couldn't imagine anything worse than Moroi and Dhampirs working together and putting up a fight. A silly rumour is what he wanted confirmed and Levandi did just that."

"The vigilante group is The Circle, isn't it?" They all look at me but I refuse to be crushed. "The one you're looking for."

"Yes, yes it is." Victor answers.

"But Adrian and his father don't know that?"

"They don't know much of anything." Spiridon answers. "And neither do you depending on who you're talking to."

"What?"

"Spiridon." Victor warns.

Spiridon holds up his hands but he's grinning smugly.

"Did you find out anything?" Ben asks him, an edge to his voice. Victor sits back down the line of his face prominent as he thinks.

Somehow Sense bats Spiridon over the head as he stands up straight and begins telling us about his night. It seemed Adrian wasn't the only one snooping around for information as Spiridon had been in the Guardian's quarters trying to learn a few things. What he'd learned was the Guardians posted here were being paid more than other school Guardian's but it wasn't to last, it was only to get them to stay as some had left after the attack. This part Spiridon had said bitterly and it sent reactions through the other two Guardians' in the room. It wasn't hard to tell that they didn't approve of Guardian's deserting their posts. But how could they entirely blame them? Spiridon moves on to talk about Tanner, the Guardian who had been charge of all the Guard here and who had …been taken during the attack, and how he been well respected. He'd last been seen trying to rescue a student from two Strigoi in the 'Surr Aed' but had been overwhelmed by three more. No one has tried to save him.

After a small pause Spiridon lists a 'character profile' on Tanner which basically painted him pretty blank. He was a Blood Master Level 7 (whatever the hell that meant), excellent tutor and strategist but wasn't close to anyone. Ben inserts that he has no living family on record.

"Well, that's common." Spiridon remarks in a way that made me feel like having sympathy for Tanner on this count wasn't allowed.

At this point my mind gets tugged away down a path where I picture the Strigoi woman from the woods with other faceless monsters. I picture Mistress Ozera with her and I try to imagine who they could have that I would fight for and ignore the instinct to flee. Dimitri said the first rule of fighting is trying to avoid it. Tanner hadn't and he was gone, most likely dead or worse.

Was there a moment when Dimitri wanted to leave me? I think no but not because I meant something to him but because I meant something to Victor. And he knew he could beat that Strigoi. That's what I think anyway.

But as mind numbingly terrifying as she had been I don't think I could run if it was somebody else pinned beneath her. If it were Lissa; kind, thoughtful and quietly hilarious Lissa who was lying on the ground about to have all that taken from her then I couldn't just run away. It would be stupid and futile but I wouldn't leave. I'd fight like hell.

I come back to the room to hear Spiridon talking about the party in the dorms which had apparently tripled in size. It wasn't hard to picture him there when I thought about it. What with his attitude and stupid hair, he'd fit in perfectly with Astrid and her vermin friend. As if there weren't enough reasons to be glad I had left. If I'd stayed and Spiridon had been there … then maybe I'd know what Adrian meant by drinking in order to cope. The small amount of alcohol I'd drunk had made everything seem easier.

"I saw Adrian there but I didn't get a chance to speak to him and I guess now we know why." Spiridon nods at me.

"So, you could say Rose did a better job than you did." Ben says rubbing his lip to hide his smirk.

Spiridon rolls his eyes. "Adrian kicked a puppy and then apologised and said his daddy made him do it. I could have gotten all that out of him within ten minutes, five with the right scotch."

"The matter of import is that Nathan is going to lengths for the age vote which means he's determined to have it backed." Victor intones as he stares at the carpet. "Who else is in his corner….who he could be bribing. What if I've been too focused on this trip I've neglected my duties at Court."

Dimitri and Ben exchange a look. I feel like I should say something reassuring but what could I say? I could offer him a coffee.

Spiridon speaks and his voice is concrete with sincerity and missing all sarcasm. It was as close to emotion as I'd ever heard him. "You haven't. What you're doing here is important, big picture."

"If they get that vote into motion and it passes as law then that affects the big picture."

"It won't come to that." Dimitri says.

"Yeah, the majority won't get behind it and that's not considering the Guardian network. They won't sign off on training sixteen year olds for the field." Ben says.

"It would cause chaos." Dimitri adds.

Victor looks at them in turn and I wish I'd chosen somewhere to sit. "What do you think they'd do?"

There's a silence until Dimitri lifts his bowed head from over his hands. "They'd initiate a strike."

A strike?

"And would you comply? With the Head Guard of Montana if they told you to withdraw and become passive, would you comply?" Victor's voice is measured.

In the silence my eyes are drawn to Dimitri's laced fingers and how they've clenched together to bleach his knuckles white.

"No." Spiridon's voice is clear and sharp, his grey eyes locked on Victor with unnerving ferocity. Spiridon didn't get emotional, he didn't get another spectrum outside of mockery and sadism and if he did it felt entirely wrong to be witnessing it.

"You come first." Ben inputs. "You and Natalie are our charges, the network be damned."

Dimitri nods. I'm not really sure how we'd come from the topic of Adrian to here and how that had made the air feel thinner.

"Why would the Guard do that?" I ask in a voice so quiet that it would be missed under the hum of an air-con.

Victor looks up at me and I knew he'd forgotten I was there. Invisible, spare part, not essential to anything. Yup, that's me. "The short of it my dear is that since the fall Guardian matters are designated by the Guardian's Network. Their own sort of council which oversees employment, rights, education, funding if they can, all Guardians are registered with them. Most Novices register before they graduate, it helps them locate work. It is all very technical but basically they are the head that voices the body of Guardians in the world, do you understand?"

"Like how Moroi have Court?" I ask.

Victors nose wrinkles a fraction. "Not exactly but – well that is as close as to explaining it as I can manage."

He turns back to the others to ask something but my curiosity has taken hold of my tongue. "And why would they – what is a strike?"

Someone sighs loudly. All the mockery in the world is back on Spiridon's face. "Guardians aren't going validate sending kids out to the slaughter. They'll tell every working qualified Guardian, the ones over eighteen, to stop working. Stop protecting their Moroi, the homes, the schools, the Court – just stop."

"No working Guardians would mean no one protecting anything."

"Exactly." He drawls.

"And that would make them stop the age vote?"

Ben sighs and stretches out his legs. "It would certainly put a spanner in the works."

"But… if no one's protected wouldn't – wouldn't that be a good time for the Strigoi to attack? Good for them I mean not as in a good thing."

"It would be the perfect time." Dimitri confirms quietly.

Spiridon rolls his shoulders. "Well, it's not going to happen. It's too much risk and calling bluffs. The Coalition wouldn't risk that reaction from the Network and if they did, who's to say the Network would issue the order and if they did who's to say the majority would listen?" He gestures a hand out to the room. "We wouldn't. Hobbs and Dempsey over at the Dragomir's wouldn't. And do you think Alberta would leave Vladimir's unprotected? Bullshit."

"That said let's do everything we can to avoid finding out, shall we?" Victor murmurs. "I'll ask Eric to keep an ear to the ground and to ask his Guardians also. Start implementing counters."

"At least we know we have the Ozera's vote in our pocket." Ben says rubbing his eyes.

"And the Dragomir's on the right side." Dimitri adds.

"If Nathan's here to ensure I'm not monopolising Levandi and his ties to Conta then I'll be being watched." Victor pinches the bridge of his nose. "This is going to make our excursion a bit difficult."

"No disrespect boss but I think it's obvious you're not going." Spiridon hops up onto the counter.

"Oh?"

"If you're being watched then it's probably by a bribed security personal and Ben could flirt with Blake to get access to the control room but that could take days or in his case, weeks, and we don't have that time. You can't be tailed into the forest."

"What do you propose?"

"Me and Belikov will go. Recover what we can and – we'll, deal with it."

"No." Dimitri sits back. "Ben and I will go. If someone's watching Victor then they'll know well enough that you're his close guard and where he goes you go. And where he goes without you it's noticed."

"I am pretty unforgettable." Spiridon says sadly.

Victor runs a hand over his hair. "Are you all in agreement about my staying behind?"

"Yes." Dimitri and Ben say in unison.

"Getting a magic reading was a long shot anyway." Spiridon says.

Victor sighs. "We'll never know. Knowing how closely Nathan is paying attention to me I'd f eel better having the excursion over and done with." He turns to Dimitri and Spiridon. "You have until the school day starts. Can you do it?"

"You want us to go now?" Ben asks in disbelief. Beside him Dimitri's more composed but I can tell he's surprised too.

"Yes. I've been contacted by our source and they want to meet in 48 hours. That would leave us two windows, now or tomorrow day, and I'd prefer now."

"It's cutting it very fine." Dimitri replies carefully.

"The bags are prepared and you know the co-ordinates." Spiridon counters like they're both being unnecessary unreasonable. "You're just wasting time."

Dimitri's face turns hard. "I haven't had time to ask about the terrain, the risk of nomads-"

"Do you honestly think nomads will be roaming close with this Guardian surplus? And if they did the spruced up wards our darling Ben here has overseen would pick them up. Not to mention the nest being wiped out which would scare them off when they got a whiff of it."

A silence falls over the room as Dimitri and Spiridon glare at one and other. There's a tick in Dimitri's jaw again.

Ben turns to Victor. "We'll go."

"Dimitri?" Victor asks.

Dimitri's gaze drops from Spiridon's. "Yes, alright."

Instantly everyone's in motion and I'm like a rock in the stream that is bypassed by the current, never knowing the destination and unable to follow.

"I'll cause a diversion for you to get over the wall." Spiridon says as Ben disappears into another room to get 'the equipment'. "How long will it take you?"

"One minute. One and a half tops." Dimitri answers swinging on a jacket and zipping it up to his neck.

"Any longer just cut the cord and land on your feet." Spiridon advises. Dimitri ignores him and takes a rucksack and a belt from Ben who is already wearing one. It doesn't look like a standard belt and my thoughts confirmed when it clicks. Dimitri pulls his jacket down over it.

I wanted to talk to him. I had so many questions but I couldn't bring myself to ask them in front of everyone.

He catches my eye. "Rose, you should go back to your room. I'll come wake you in the morning."

I try to say something like 'wait', 'are you mad about Adrian?' or 'you better' but nothing comes out.

"Thank you for telling me about Adrian." Victor says, putting a hand on my shoulder and gently steering me toward the door. "You've been very helpful. You don't realise what it means to me. We'll talk over breakfast tomorrow."

"Hang on." Spiridon says loudly and we all stop. His face is pinched in revulsion which quickly turns into glee and of course he's looking at me. "What the hell did you do to your hair?"

/ / /

I'd been sent back to my room under the order to get some sleep and despite the stinging in my eyes I can't make myself go to bed. I make some coffee. I add milk and two sugars because unlike Dimitri I'm not sadistic to my taste buds. I curl up on one of the deep couches and check the time again.

I'd heard them leave Victor's room two hours ago with nothing but a murmur and a quiet click of the door. No footsteps or quiet discussion between them. Just two Guardian's slipping away. I didn't know where they were going or if they were likely to run into Strigoi but listening to them I knew it was possible. It made me too scared to sleep.

What if they ran into Strigoi? What if they didn't come back? What would we do? What would I do without them?

I make a short hiccupping sound that's my bodies failed attempt at laughter, a reaction to the twist of events in my life. I care about Guardians. Plural. I'm scared that they could get hurt instead of wishing they would.

I sip my coffee and wonder why Dimitri doesn't like it with milk. And what did he think about my hair? I'll ask him if he comes back - when he comes back.

"Fucking Spiridon." I mutter and then put my fingers to my lips. I had never said that cuss before, never. It was hurled across the berry fields and pummelled into us between punches. I'd heard Spiridon mutter it and Natalie breathe it out when her nail polish chipped. It had made my hair stand on end every time but now? "Fuck. F-u-c-k. Ha-ha-ha."

Now I could use it.

Maybe I should try and sleep. I was starting to act crazy…which would match my hair. I'm wearing it in a braid for the rest of my life or until Natalie and Lissa can fix it. I miss them. I want to go home, I want my room, I want the routine back, I want Spiridon thundering down the stairs in the morning and Ben telling him to shut up. I want Dimitri watching Natalie and Spiridon tease each other over his coffee mug by my side at the stove. I want to go home and be with these people.

I pick up Harry Potter and check the time. Two hours fifteen minutes. I settle back against the cushions hoping the coffee keeps me awake until Dimitri comes through the door telling me it's time for breakfast. I hope it keeps me awake because I don't want Adrian in my head again.

/ / /

A brief slap to my head rips me out from the dark.

"Wake up. You're drooling and I need you to stop that." Blearily I peer up at Spiridon. Dimitri's book hostage is in his hand. "Up. Now."

"What – ow OW, STOP IT."

I snatch the book from him in the midst of him slapping me with it and roll off the couch. I manage to clip his shoulder but he dances out of range.

"God, your hair looks even worse today. What did you use, nail scissors?"

I hastily tuck the butchered strayed locks behind my ears glaring at him and wondering if it's worth the books life to hurl it at him. "What do you want?"

"Breakfast is in half an hour and you're dining with Victor and Levandi so get dressed and find a wig…or a hat."

"Why?"

"Because your hair reminds me of the staircase in the Upside Down House."

"What is – no, why am I eating with Victor? Where's Dimitri?"

He hesitates, a small pause in his eyes, it would be missed by people who hadn't spent their lives reading into every gesture, motion, tone, pattern in breath so they didn't end up dead. "Sleeping. You go running a few miles in the mountains and you'd need to lie down too, especially with how you handle the stairs." He snaps his fingers at me as he walks back to the door. "Hop to."

I stumble after him and get rid of the book so I don't hurl it at him. "Were they okay? Did they run into Strigoi?"

Spiridon's face ignites in annoyance, scrunching up slightly and he shuts the door he'd just opened. "I know you're not the brightest but will you shut your damn mouth. Mention Strigoi or anything to do with last night outside this room or even to close to that door where anyone could hear, you will live to massively regret it."

Forget the book I wish I had a brick to hand. "I wouldn't do that! I only asked –"

"Belikov's your babysitter. Just get dressed." He slips out before I can say another word. The pressure rises from my middle and travels right up until its red hot in my throat. I let out a frustrated scream and smack the back of the couch.

"Stupid blonde haired dick." I mutter stomping into the bedroom.

I get the barest bit of satisfaction by being ready and meeting them in the hall where it's clear he was about to come and fetch me but as soon as his gaze drifted above my eye line, and the corner of his lips twitched, any satisfaction went out the window and got hit by a bus.

Breakfast sucks too. The food is nice, different but nice, and again I feel like a spare part that doesn't belong. I don't see why I couldn't have eaten in my room instead of sitting with Victor, Levandi and two other Moroi who don't speak English so all of the conversation is in Estonian. I doubted I would have understood anything if it was in English anyway. Victor makes an effort to talk to me a little when there's a pause and he explains what _'Jätku leiba'_ means after Levandi toasts his orange juice to the table. It just makes me feel even more out of place because I knew he was trying. I would have rather stood at the wall with Spiridon and the other Guardians, I would have understood that. The black bread is nearly a good enough distraction and I eat four thick slices.

After breakfast the two Moroi shake Victors hand vigorously and whatever they had all been talking about has them all smiling and in good spirits. I sneak another slice of the fruity cake and stick my tongue out at Spiridon who's smirking again but making a show of staring at the opposite wall.

"Rose." I turn to Victor. "Mr Levandi is allowing us to observe some classes today whilst they are in session. We have to be discrete, understood?"

When is a question not a question? "Okay."

He smiles but it's not his Natalie smile or the smile when he watches the boys bicker. It's different. It's charming and bright, a great smile but it's not his real one. I realize it's his work smile. It works for him because you trust it.

Levandi comes over to us, sliding on his navy blazer with the gold lions on the breast pocket. "I am thinking we start outside and work our way back in. Fourth year novice training is resuming in the Grand Garden. It's a pity Guardian Belikov isn't accompanying us considering his ideas are being given trial."

"It is isn't it?" Victor remarks as Spiridon pulls the door open. "I'll make sure to inform him about everything later. And then Spiridon can retell him properly with the correct terminology."

They laugh and lead the way into the hall. Spiridon tries to trip me as I pass. I kick him in the shin and laugh when he flinches.

/ / /

Sweat trickles down my spine and I roll my shoulders. I hate this classroom. I hate the heat inside. I hate that there are numbers on a giant white screen and I can't understand the teacher because I don't speak Estonian. I wished we were back outside where it's not much cooler but at least there's a breeze. The funny thing is two months ago this heat wouldn't be anything, it would be mild compared to what I had been used to but now, now I want to unzip my skin and get out of it. At least outside watching the Dhampirs train was distracting. It was amazing.

The room drops into silence and I realise the teacher must have asked a question. None of the students raise a hand. On my right Victor holds up a palm. The teacher grins and heads turn, and my heartbeat grows like thunder in my ears. They were all staring with their curious eyes, drinking us in now they have free reign to, instead of whispering and sneaking looks.

I don't hear Victor speak but watch as one by one the students turn back around. Except one boy. He's looking at me and I stare back too aware my face is being warped by confusion and heat. He grins and looks away. Is my hair that bad? I touch my braid and look to Spiridon but he's not smirking for once. Instead he looks like a pissed off statue.

After the class ends Levandi announces its lunch time. I expect to be trailing them to another private room or back to our own but instead we end up following the stream of students into a large hall filled with tables. Students were sitting at them laughing and chatting freely or turning to give us more looks. There seemed to be a kitchen to the right with students queuing up and being passed hot food over the counter. There's also a salad bar, an open refrigerator stocked with drinks and fruit and a machine with students hovering excitedly around it because it's dripping – no it couldn't be.

"Is that ice-cream?" I hear myself say.

Levandi laughs. "Like a shark to blood are teenagers to it. Yes, we very rarely use it but as now is as good as time as any. Madagascan vanilla and white chocolate I believe it is today and I suspect it will be only be for a short time. I will ask someone to supervise it. Come, we are dining over here with the faculty and the chef has organised a personal menu."

"You needn't have gone to so much trouble." I hear Victor say as we follow Levandi to the far side of the hall. I keep one eye on the ice-cream until I catch site of the table we're being led to. A mixture of Moroi and Dhampirs, twelve of them, watching us approach with expectant expressions.

Victor touches my shoulder. "Rose, you can go and get dessert first if you wish. Skip the introductions."

I don't need to be asked twice, I bolt. Walking across the room I wonder if I was excused because it would be difficult to explain who I was or because I would likely vomit from so many eyes on me, asking me things. I draw up short from the ice-cream queue as I realise something vital. I don't have a bowl.

"You could always stick your head under it. Sexy – or potential for pregnancy rumours but hey, this place could use some good news."

I inhale before turning around. "Why can't you manage a simple 'hello'?"

Adrian grins and the smell of cloves hangs heavy on him. He's dressed down today, simple grey trousers and polo shirt. "Dramatic flare. I might make theatre my major in college."

"Can you _dramatically_ find me a bowl?"

He makes a show of pushing his hair back and I snort. "Anything for the lady." And I watch in half amusement and half horror as he struts up to the open kitchen's counter and snatches up two bowls from behind it. A woman in a hairnet scowls and points her spatula at him. He blows her a kiss and her hard face turns slack.

People are looking at him. How could he not care people are looking at him and laughing. How does he thrive off it? I resist moving away as he comes back and holds the bowl out to me.

"Dramatic enough?"

"You are ridiculous." I whisper.

"You love it." I scrunch up my face and he laughs. "Come on, let's get some before they bleed it dry."

We join the loose queue and I try to ignore the mixed whispers around us. Adrian doesn't seem to notice at all but he is fidgeting with his hand I recognise the metal glint of his lighter.

"I figure your brother can't kick my ass in the cafeteria for talking to you." He says with a nervous grin.

"He's not here right now."

Adrian nods over my shoulder. "Yes he is." I look back and beyond the table where the teachers and Victor are chatting Ben is now standing beside Spiridon. I scan the busy room for the other Guardians but no immobile sentry matches who I'm looking for. "How…how did Victor react?"

"Um." My mind becomes a vague place with Victor's voice and Dimitri's I-told-you-so-eyes. I turn back to him trying to remember. "He wasn't really surprised. He was happy you told me though."

Adrian snorts as we shuffle up the line. "He's happy _you_ told him not that I told you. I'm the snake that blabbed." He turns to me looking unusually worried. "Is he going to tell my dad he knows?"

Real fear is a strange and unnerving thing to see in Adrian's eyes. It almost distracts me from wondering why his questions are so hard to answer. "No, no I don't think so. He's just going to be more careful."

We get to the front and Adrian pulls the leaver. Ice-cream starts falling in a thick stream. I could just imagine Natalie getting one of these for the house… then I probably would stick my head under it. Adrian swaps his full bowl for my empty one. I thank him and step out of the queue, almost bypassing the toppings and sauces, almost.

"I'm sorry." Adrian murmurs as I shovel up chocolate sprinkles. "Truly. Last night I –"

"We've done this Adrian." I pump out some chocolate syrup, just a little bit, for variety. "You told me, you said sorry, I got mad, you said sorry again, I told Victor the truth and it's done. It's done."

"Were you on an Amish diet or something?" Adrian looks down at my bowl with an expression that I find personally offensive.

"I'll eat everything I want to thank you very much."

"A bowl of diabetes is what you have."

"Sounds yummy."

He pumps a mere drop of strawberry sauce onto his and we begin walking back to the table. I take a spoon from Adrian's proffered hand and start to bury my anxiety in ice-cream.

"This should be fun." He mutters. "See that man with the retro moustache? Opposite Victor. That's my father, Nathan Ivashkov."

The ice-cream gets stuck in my throat and begins to burn ice-cold. Adrian pats between my shoulder blades. We're a few tables shy of the one hosting all the teachers, set apart by its decoration. The space allows me to analyse the man Adrian had indicated, his father, who looks nothing like him and for that I'm somewhat grateful. I disliked him and I didn't want there to be any physical trace of Adrian in a man I disliked. Even though I didn't know how much I actually liked Adrian right now. I thought I'd still be angry or hurt or upset but I actually felt a little detached. I didn't want what I had wanted yesterday, for him to like me and want to be my friend. I didn't care.

I didn't trust Adrian but I wasn't mad. In a way it was a lesson, another reminder to not forget where I came from and what I had been taught. I couldn't trust anyone, I had to be cautious, everyone had motivations for themselves and sometimes I was a tool to them. I was after all just a pawn to Victor.

Is that all I am or is it just a part of it? I didn't know anymore.

_Well you should know better._

My mother's voice lingers in my head so I don't realise right away that Adrian has pulled out a chair for me. I mutter thanks and sit down and he slides into the last seat beside me. We were at the end of the table and centre point of conversation is directed to the middle, where Victor, Levandi and Adrian's father are. No one acknowledges us. Adrian taps a plastic sheet on the table and I pick it up, keeping my spoon in my mouth.

"Are you ordering dessert?" Adrian asks. I nod, the stem of the spoon tapping my bowl. "Thought as much."

I take out the spoon. "I don't know what half of this is."

He doesn't mock me or look pitying, like Spiridon would (I'd spent ear too much time with him on this stupid trip) but he just simply asks, "Do you want me to order for you?"

I nod and pop another spoonful into my mouth. I sneak looks at the people at the table, speaking in a mixture of Estonian and English, and at Ben. Spiridon says something to him and he tilts his head to answer. My teeth clamp down on the metal as I take in the bruise flecked with small cuts on the right side of his face. He catches my eye and winks before resuming his statue impression. What the hell is that supposed to mean? Maybe I could slip over and ask...

"Unfortunately Nathan I'm departing in a few ours. Duty calls me back, as does my daughter who gets anxious when I'm away too long." Victor's voice carries down. "And I need to reassure our people at Court of the school and how well it's doing."

There's a mixed response at the table. The majority of the Moroi teachers are nodding but the few Dhampirs at the table deliberately look away or sip their drinks. I think about Victor's words and look behind me at the small sea of students. Some looked normal, chatting and laughing but others… one boy is sitting alone and staring into space. His food is untouched and he's pale, sickly pale not Moroi pale. His shirt collar hangs like a noose around his neck and I wonder when he last ate, what stops him eating now. He couldn't be older than thirteen.

"Will you be back in time for the Founders Ball?" Adrian's father asks as Adrian speaks in quick Estonian to a girl holding a note pad.

"Oh yes." Victor answers with his work smile. "And what about you, Adrian? Aren't you cutting it pretty fine with the semester about to start?"

As the majority of the table's attention relocates to our corner I immediately stare down at my empty bowl like it's the most fascinating thing I have ever seen. If Adrian wasn't so used to people's attention then my reaction next to him would make it seem so and no one but me could see his fist clenched under the table.

"I-" Adrian begins but is immediately drowned out by his father's voice.

"Adrian was given a short extension to decide between Politics or International Business for his major. You can understand how hard that decision would be."

"Both strong choices. Both requiring a lot of dedication." Levandi says and he sounds impressed. I count the droplets of ice-cream in the bowl.

"Quite. And what did you decide?" Victor asks.

"International Business." Adrian's father answers. "Adrian decided this was the smartest choice. The most stable and ensures a future, considering my brother will be a great mentor when he graduates."

"I'm sure Randall will, providing that is what Adrian decides to pursue after three years of study."

Both Adrian's hands are clenches now and I peek up at his father. His pleasant expression is in almost critical condition as he stares across the table.

"Why wouldn't he?"

Victor lets out a light laugh. "Life is what happens when you're planning, isn't that the saying? But it is a sensible plan." He leans forward to look down the table. "I wish you all the best Adrian."

"Thank you." Adrian says, answering for himself for the first time. I think I now understood what he had been talking about last night in…in the dream, about everything being decided for him.

Servers arrive with steaming plates and I can't look at the boy who puts down my plate. I know it isn't the same but I can't help but feel guilty, like I had taken a seat at the Ozera's table and Meredith was waiting on me. I steer my mind away to something else as I lift my knife and fork. I look up at Ben's cuts and bruises and away. It makes me want to leave my seat and question him. I want to know where Dimitri is, so much so it's burning under my skin.

"How does it work?" It comes out so abrupt that Adrian jumps.

"Well I think they just cook some meat and potatoes and stuff it in some pastry to bake."

I roll my eyes. "You know what I meant."

He leans toward me and I tense as his breath brushes my ear. "Yes but I don't want the whole table too also."

I look at the others and then to him. "I think you could catch fire and they wouldn't notice."

There's a yellow, almost gold ring around his pupils. "That's just a comment on how extraordinarily hot I am already."

I resist pulling back because it would only give him the satisfaction. "Should I throw water over you?"

"Usually girls wait at least to the main course to do that but that's because I've lost interest and have started flirting with the waitress."

I roll my eyes so hard I'm surprised they don't fall out. His games are too hard to play. He chuckles and I stab my pie so the steam puffs out.

"If I go missing it's because your brothers killed me and flung me over the wall."

"What?" I mutter and examine my forkful. I don't think its fish so I take a small nibble.

"He was glaring at me. He must think we're flirting."

"I don't know how to flirt and he knows that."

"What happened to his face?"

"What happened in the dream?"

His game face drops. The cocky grin becomes a humble twitch of the lips. Maybe I could play.

"Didn't we go over this?" He murmurs.

"So it was real?"

"How the hell else would I know what you're talking about?"

"Oh I'm sorry but it's not exactly a normal thing is it? … I mean, is it?"

He looks over my shoulder to make sure no one is listening which I knew they weren't. I knew they were more interested in Lavandi's plans for the summer programme and how to get students to agree to stay. "No. No it isn't."

"Then how can you do it?"

He looks straight at me and then shrugs. "I just always could. When I was little I thought other people might be able to. I didn't know anyone but I just thought it was rare. And I thought my family knew I could do it. I'd walk into their dreams and then ask the next day about what they dreamt about. Mostly my mother or my aunt and when I got older I realised they didn't actually believe in it. They just thought it was a very lucid dream. I asked my Aunt once, inside one, I asked her if she'd known anyone who could do the same thing and she…" His lips press together and his fork ravages through his food. It had been so nicely presented and now it looked like it had been through a blender.

"She what?" I urge, feeling like I was pressing down on something that might just pop.

His lip pulls upward, more of a grimace than a smile. "She said the Mad King used to talk about dream walking. I stopped asking then."

' _We put_ f _aith in a crown and were blind to the fool who wore it.'_ Lissa's grandfathers words burn in my mind and I itch to have the leaflet in my hand but it was safely tucked away in my bag back in the room.

"Someone has to know." I think about how I could ask Dimitri without having to tell him or avoid him turning the questions around on me. Now that would be tricky. Impatiently I look around at everyone's plates and wished they'd be done. "How it works. It's just more Moroi magic but … rare."

"Or I'm just as special as I've always believed." He says and the bitterness in his voice causes a pang to go through my stomach. I remember how he looked in the dream last night and how I could see the ghost of it on his expression now. He's so alone and in a way… God, he's more alone than I am.

I couldn't make myself touch him, not even a hand on his shoulder but I could tell him the truth, "I'm not going to tell anybody."

He smiles a little. "They'd only think you were mad if you did. Oh, my biggest fan just walked in."

I follow his gaze and the heat under my skin blazes so it nearly sends me out of my seat. Dimitri strides across the room with his chin up and looking purposeful ahead as he walks in our direction. I quickly examine his face and besides a small scrape by his temple he looks completely fine but I can't help feel like something is wrong. Like he's trying too hard to look like everything's okay but I could just be paranoid, overthinking because of Ben's face and having no idea what they'd ran into but knowing in my gut it was awful.

He sails past our table like a ghost and takes position at Ben's other side. He doesn't acknowledge anybody and he doesn't look this way no matter how much I will him to.

"How likely is it I'm going to wake up in a room lit by one swinging light bulb, tied to a chair, with Goliath and your brother bearing down on me?"

"You have a very overactive imagination." My mother's words come easily which is surprising.

He grins and for the first time today it looks real. "It gets me through the day."

"What's our dessert?" A girl takes my plates and I try to convey 'thank you' through a smile but I don't think I get it right.

"Häbelik taluneiu." Adrian says. "It's a rye bread and cream pudding."

"More bread? Are you joking?"

After the bread pudding (which was delicious and nothing like American bread or the bread from breakfast) comes multiple different teas and coffee, tarts and biscuits. How could there be so much more food? I never thought I'd be in a position where I'd be wishing the food would stop coming. I wanted to back in the room. I wanted to speak to Dimitri and to Ben, to make sure he'd treated those cuts properly, and I wanted away from Adrian. Through the dessert he'd gotten more fidgety and with that more talkative so much so that he didn't leave any room for me to reply before he was on to another topic. By the time the adults had consented for the servers to start clearing away the cups and cakes I wanted to stab Adrian's bouncing knee with my fork. I settled for eating another strawberry tart and snatching three more to wrap up in napkins.

"Preparing for winter? It will be getting colder soon, especially in Montana and I think it's fair to say you need a little more padding. I know it's rude to comment on a ladies weight but I always assumed that was when you were calling them fat but maybe it applied both ways. Apologies. Do you like snow?" And so Adrian goes on and on and on.

Seats slide back and the Guardian's step away from the wall as our party begin to stand. Thank God. I supress a groan as I hear Victor ask Adrian's father if he's interested in stepping in on the next class with us, weren't we done with the classes? The only one that seemed to provide anything interesting is the Dhampir's fighting classes, the others were a bunch of people listening to another person tell them something they could probably read from the books they had open. Then again I didn't actually know what the teachers were saying because they weren't speaking English but still.

An agitated metallic clicking comes from Adrian's hand. The knee bouncing had been swapped for fiddling with his lighter. Brilliant.

"No, no we can't unfortunately. We're leaving tonight for the States. As you know Adrian has to get to College and I have my own matter to attend to." Mr Ivashkov answers Victor. He turns to Levandi and instantly his tone is warmer. "I apologise our stay hasn't been long but I look forward to seeing what you do with my donation. This visit, well this visit has been humbling to say the least. I admire your work and you dedication here, Alar. You're an example to us, to my son, we can only learn from you."

Mr Levandi's abashed expression recovers and he thanks him.

I round on Adrian. "You didn't tell me you were leaving."

He's stopped fidgeting and his pretty face bares a hint of anger. "Because this is the first I've heard."

"Adrian, come." Mr Ivashkov calls as the group begins to break up.

"Quick." Adrian says, pulling out his phone. "Give me your number."

"I, um, I don't have my phone." I say, patting my pockets to make sure. I hadn't lifted it this morning because I was too hell bent on getting ready before Spiridon could come back.

He opens his mouth but something catches his eye and he shuts it again. Warmth presses against my arm before a hand touches my elbow.

"Rose, we're leaving." Dimitri says. It feels like it's been so long since I've heard his voice and something inside me relaxes, like his voice is reassurance he's okay. His dark eyes turn flick to Adrian, opaque and unyielding. He was not in a good mood. "Adrian, your father is waiting."

"He doesn't wait for anybody." Adrian returns bluntly, pocketing his phone.

"So catch up." Dimitri snaps.

Adrian raises an eyebrow and whatever had relaxed inside me coils up again. "Anxious to be rid of us? It's a good thing he no longer thinks there's any reason to stay." His gaze turns to me and gone is the boy who'd I had spent the last hour with and in his place is an arrogant Moroi. "I'll talk to you soon. One way or the other."

He casts Dimitri one last look that makes me worry for his own safety before walking away.

"Where have you been?" I demand turning to Dimitri. I hadn't noticed before the dark smudges under his eyes and up close the cut looks deeper than I'd previously thought. I want him to sit down so I can examine it.

"Resting."

I try not to take it personally that his tone is clipped and I try match his stride as we head toward our group at the door, estimating his gait won't leave us much time for me to ask questions. I hope that isn't the point. "That's a lie. You look like you haven't slept at all."

"If that's what it looks like so be it."

People are being impossible today. First Spiridon, then sitting through all those classes, then Adrian and his almost exhausting chatter and now Dimitri, who's acting as friendly as a glove made of barbed wire. I give it one last shot. "I saved you a strawberry tart."

"Serving your stomach is not how all of us appease our problems." He says with more ice in his voice than I'd been prepared for. It stops me in my tracks so he strides on ahead leaving me in the large empty room.

***24 hours later.***

"Dimitri, Dimitri please."

The hand holding a fistful of his cowboy coat begins to shake as I listen. His shallow breathing fills up my ears so I almost miss the sound of boots scraping against the ground outside the door. There's someone outside, I knew it.

I lean in closer and touch his face with my other hand. The one holding his jacket was beginning to lock and I didn't know how to make it unclench. I shake him slightly and my whisper is strained. "Dimitri, please. Please they're here."

Is there any point whispering if they know we're in here? Would it be better to scream and let the world know or at least hope someone in another room hears and might help us?

I slap his cheek and my other hand shakes his coat but his body moves lazily, unaware, unresponsive. His eyes remain closed and in the dim light of the motel room his skin looks pale. Miles away from the sun bronzed colour I was used to.

It's all starting to thunder through my head. The fear, my heartbeat, his breathing, the shaking in my hands and when something raps against the door it hits me like lightning. I scream. The sound unlocks my hands, somehow, and I scrabble up for the gun he'd left on the bed. It feels stupid in my hand, like a toy, like a very heavy toy. I point it at the door where the banging has stopped and has been replaced by short heavy thuds, a body or a boot beating against wood.

The gun is hot and sticky between my hands. Blood. Dimtiri's blood on my hands. He'd told me to run away. He'd told me it was the first rule of staying alive.

The door explodes inwards.


End file.
